Today, I took our annual “first day of school” picture by the front door. We have been doing this for 20 years now (My eldest son, the eldest of four children, is 25). It is my daughter and our youngest child’s first day of her senior year of high school. This will be the last “first day of school” picture that I will ever take of our children. I’m feeling a little sniffly. I am trying not to sob. This is going to be an emotional year.
I’m the eldest “child” in my family. I was even the eldest grandchild on both sides, by five years. Frankly, I didn’t always love the pressure of the spotlight. I didn’t love always having to be the lead dog, and having to figure things out for myself (often the hard way). But, I did feel special and important and mature. I guess in some ways, I even felt a tad entitled. In my mind, for the burden of being the eldest, I “deserved” the biggest bedroom or to stay out later. I think that I always felt that I should have a “bigger say” in my little sister’s life, than she should have in mine. I now realize that’s silly. We deserve(d) equal respect.
I feel for my daughter. I am trying not to dump all of my emotional baggage into her backpack as she heads off to her last year of her childhood. She doesn’t need to be weighed down. I realize now that the youngest children in families, have to share all of their own milestones, with the entire family. The eldest children mark the beginning of it all, and the youngest children are the “official closing ceremony” of the raising of any particular family. That’s a heavy burden for the beloved babies of any family. Too much attention can be a big burden, especially when it is laden with emotion and melancholy and an endless reel of memories. This year, I’ll do my best to keep in my own lane, as I process this “ending/new beginning” stage of my own life, and this new stage of our family life. Hopefully, my baby will not notice (or at least pretend not to notice) when I hug her to me, harder than ever before.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Yesterday, I spent a little bit too much time ruminating in my fear and my worries and my disappointments. It didn’t help that I had woken up in the morning to a terrible dream in which I had been told by a doctor that I had throat cancer. I spazzed out on that one. Interestingly, about half of the hundreds of dream interpretation websites which I looked at, said that this was actually an excellent dream that foretold fortune and happiness and lovely surprises. Nice. Let me tell you, Dreams, “There are much kinder ways to tell me that good things lie ahead.”
Also, yesterday morning, my son texted a picture from his first medical school class. It was occurring on Zoom, in his teensy little apartment bedroom, for eight hours straight. Sigh. Thanks again, Coronavirus. So awful to see you again!
The great mask debate is in full force (and obviously on national display) here again in Florida, and my daughter starts her senior year of high school tomorrow. The ugly vibes are swirling on the news, and in social media, and in the neighborhood and like everyone else, I am so, so, so tired of it all. I had tricked myself, earlier this summer, that with the vaccinations, Covid was practically a thing of the past, and instead it has come back with an ugly vengeance. Some of my closest friends, despite being vaccinated, are in quarantine, healing from Covid infections. Luckily they have seemingly mild cases, so far.
So those three paragraphs above, show you where my mindset (and heartsick) was yesterday, and even into last night, as I crawled into bed. I don’t like that mindset. I don’t like negativity. It doesn’t feel good. As I was waiting to go to sleep, and I was thinking that I really didn’t care to have anymore scary dreams, I went to my phone and I looked up “the most comforting, reassuring thought in the world.”
Over a decade ago, when my family and I were the poster kids for the Great Recession, and we were watching our savings go down the drain like rushing water, this Bible verse helped me to get through those tough times (Matthew 6: 28-30):
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
This verse made a lot of sense to me and it became my daily mantra. And thankfully, we made it through the Great Recession just fine. Last night, though, I wanted a new, fresh mantra. My current worries and stresses are more about the health of my family, and of my friends, and of our world, and maybe even my own mental health. My worries are more about the overall health and well-being of everyone I love, including our Mother Earth. So, when I searched up “the most comforting, reassuring thought in the world” last night, the search wasn’t as satisfactory as I wanted it to be. It turns out that there are about 18 million comforting thoughts to pick from.
My love language is the written word. I love to read. I love to write. I love comforting thoughts. My search had me strumming through hundreds and hundreds of uplifting verses and quotes, many that I had already seen, and had already read before, many, many times. So many of these quotes talked about the fruitlessness of worrying. Duh. But that’s not particularly comforting when you are stuck in the worry cycle, which has taken up a life of its own, in your head. It’s hard to find the “off button” for the Worry Cycle, at that point. So reading about how taxing worrying and anxiety is, to your body and to your spirit, is honestly, at times, just more upsetting and worrying, than anything close to being reassuring and comforting.
I was frustrated that there was not one simple consensus as to what is the “the most comforting,reassuring thought in the world”. So, I figured that I might as well take a few screenshots of quotes that at least, resonated with me. This quote was very similar to my favorite Bible verse:
“Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep Let-Go. God opens millions of flowers every day without forcing their buds.” – Osho
This one has always made sense to me:
“You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather.” – Pema Chodron
And as I was beating myself up angrily for being such a Wanda Worrier/Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy, this one really struck home:
“I just give myself permission to suck. I find this hugely liberating.” – John Green
But then, some kind of Divine Intervention happened. Without searching for it, I somehow ended up reading a scientific article that talked about comforting music. My guardian angel must have been saying to me, “Girl, you don’t need any more words. You need to get out of that silly little pissy-missy mind of yours, if you want to have a good night’s sleep, and a hope for a more positive tomorrow.” The article that I miraculously landed on, said that this ONE song, created by professional sound therapists, has proven to reduce anxiety by 65%, and shows a 35% reduction in any one person’s typical physiological resting rate. This song is wordless. I played the song as I was trying to fall asleep. And I slept so soundly. My husband didn’t know that we were both being “treated” by this song last night, because he was already asleep when I played it, but this morning, the first thing that he remarked to me was how well he had slept last night. The lesson I gleaned from this experience was that we shouldn’t get so stuck in trying to control the ways in which we are going to be comforted, or fixed, or reassured, or loved to sleep. When we do the “deep Let-Go”, the Universe gives us exactly what we need. I slept incredibly well last night. I don’t recall any negative dreams. I feel comforted. I feel reassured this morning. It turns out that last night, for me, Marconi Union’s “Weightless” was “the most comforting, reassuring thought in the world,” and it is not even a thought. It doesn’t even have words. Last night’s comfort came from pure sound. Be open to every amazing resource available to us, friends. Keep the faith. We are loved. We are protected. All is well.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning, my dearest readers. I hope that this Sunday finds you well. I devote Sundays to poetry. I write a poem and I courageously put my poem out there into the ethersphere, for no other reason than I can. And so can you. The world never died from bad poetry, and many worlds have been inspired by good poetry. Poetry is a release for the writer, and a spark of thought for the reader. Be brave and bold. Write a poem today and put it out there for others to catch your spirit. Here is my poem for today:
August
I suppose that August was created in order to
Help me to empathize with my food.
August is like those last couple minutes of cooking
A friend of mine’s son just graduated from boot camp. In her pictures, my friend and her son look so full of relief. I think that relief is one of the most underrated emotions in the world. Relief feels almost as good as love and peace and happiness. Relief marks the end of suffering. Relief is when you finally get an answer to a question. Relief is finishing and crossing off all of the stuff that you have written on your to-do list. Relief is looking in the rear window of an event you had been anticipating and working towards for a long, long time, and then having completed it successfully. TUMS made “relief” their major selling point and marketing campaign. We love the feeling of relief.
In the beginning of the summer, I was feeling a lot of relief about the coronavirus. It seemed like it was really going to be behind us. All of my family and friends got vaccinated. We were even able to go on a nice family vacation, and out of the country, to boot. But now this damn Delta variant is ripping through my state. I personally know two vaccinated people who have tested positive for Covid. I believe that they are going to be okay, but it is so frustrating and disappointing and upsetting to be dealing with this virus, all over again, just when we were feeling so much relief.
I just read The Gift by Edith Eger, who survived the Auschwitz camp during the Holocaust. Edith said that a main reason why she survived the camp (she was found by the Allied troops, starving, on top of a pile of dead bodies) was that she was able to hold on to hope. She said that the definition of hope is knowing that suffering is temporary, and staying curious about what comes next. It is best to focus on how much relief we will feel when this coronavirus really dwindles down to not even being newsworthy. The hope and the anticipation of the wonderful feeling of relief (because all suffering is temporary) is what will sustain us through whatever else this pandemic brings our way.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy Friday!!! Happy weekend!!! My regular readers know how much I love Fridays. On Fridays, I take off my ruminating, philosophy pants and I put on my Friday Partypants. On Fridays, I typically list three favorite songs or products or websites, (basically anything that I really, really like) and I love it when you add your own favorites to my Comments section. I am always excited to have new things to try, or new movies to watch, or new books to read. Here are my favorites for today:
Uptime – This application for your phone is not cheap, (I think that it is about forty dollars a year) but for me, it is worth every cent. This app takes popular non-fiction books and documentaries and basically narrows them down to “the gist” of what you need to know about each source of information. I wish that I had time to read every book that I want to read, but that would take several lifetimes, and it would also create an extremely one-dimensional life for me. Uptime also works as a great tool to figure out what areas and books that I want to explore more about, and also figuring out areas, where settling for “the gist” is all that I need to do.
The Gift by Edith Eger – This book is outstanding. Written by an Auschwitz survivor who later became a successful psychologist (she got her doctorate in her fifties – it’s never too late!), The Gift is incredibly uplifting, inspiring and full of good sense. The theme of the book is to help people find freedom, which Edith Eger defines as “becoming who you truly are.” She says that freedom requires hope, knowing that all suffering is temporary, and staying curious about what comes next. You won’t regret the time you spend reading and soaking in this wonderful, empowering book.
Sharing Knowing Looks – This might be one of my most favorite human experiences. The communication that we share with others, without talking, and yet being able to feel that complete connection and understanding between each other, by just one knowing look, is totally priceless. Yesterday, I was in the middle of getting a pedicure in a part of town that I don’t know all that well. I was getting a pedicure in a shop that I had never been to before. And I was trying to reach my daughter by text, and then by calling her frantically, and I still couldn’t reach her. Thus, (this is the negative side of today’s instant gratification, “reach everybody and everything in one second flat” technology) I flew into a mini-panic attack. I yelled to my nail technician that I had to leave the shop immediately to get to my daughter. I flew out of the shop, dragging along a towel, as my technician was desperately trying to help me to dry my feet, and to help me put on my shoes, as I ran to my car, breathing heavily. My daughter turned out to be fine. It was all a big, scary misunderstanding, but after the fiasco, I knew that I needed to return the towel to the shop. I was horrified and I was utterly embarrassed by my previous “making quite the scene,” but I decided that the best thing, and the right thing for me to do in this situation, was go back to the shop, return the towel, and get pedicures for both me and my daughter, and to leave them a nice tip. The shop was filled with female Vietnamese-American workers and it seemed that many of them did not speak English, but the look of relief and happiness and kindness and understanding on their faces, when they looked at me, almost brought me to tears. Mamas know other mamas’ hearts, without ever having to say a word. Love is the real communication and connection between all of us. And this deep and wise communication doesn’t even require any words. Love and kindness is able to be communicated in a single glance. Love is. Love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ We saw a real “little horse” at a travel stop a couple of weeks ago. It really was really, really little. My Labrador retriever is bigger than the horse we saw at the truck stop. I once read that there was an emotional support horse on an airplane, and I thought to myself, at the time, that the story was total “horse pucky”, but when I was petting the horse at the travel stop, I thought, “Hmmm, that story about the horse on the airplane was probably actually true.”
+ Trip, our boisterous, one-year-old Boykin spaniel is due for his annual booster shots on Friday. Our vet is still doing the curbside service, due to Covid, where your animals go in for their health visits, without you. “Are you sure, Doctor, that I shouldn’t go in? You know Trip. He doesn’t really like anybody but us. And he does a lot of barking and snarling and posturing, to let you know it.”
My vet : “Honestly, he thinks that he needs to guard you. He thinks that this is his main job to do – to protect you. We see it with Dobermans and Rotties all of the time. He’ll do much, much better without you there.”
I thought a lot about this statement. I thought about my little 30-pound dog (with ears so big and long that he has been compared to “Dumbo”) thinking that he is a mighty ferocious guard dog. Trip, the spaniel, thinks that he is a Malinois. What good self esteem he has!! And honestly, I can see where he might not have a lot of faith in the protective powers of Ralphie (the retriever), who hides in my shower from storms, and likes to offer any Amazon delivery guy his chew toys, and Josie (the elegant collie), who barks a lot, but otherwise prefers not to get her paws dirty. Ever. (I envision me getting bludgeoned by a thief, and at the same time Ralphie offering up his best chew toy and Josie, side-stepping the blood in disgust. Thank heavens for Dumbo!) This also made me think about how many times over the years that I was told that my kids were better behaved when I wasn’t around. I suppose that it always comes back to the moms being the bad guys – even us “dog moms.” It’s always the mom’s fault. Sigh.
+We spoke to our middle son last night. Today is his first official day of medical school. He mentioned that he was feeling a little homesick. I immediately went into “the song and dance routine” that I did before any of my kids went to preschool, kindergarten, various camps, college or were subject to a babysitter . . . .
Me: “Mom and Dad are ALWAYS here for you. Day or night. We are just a phone call away. Mommy is always, always with you. And when she goes to the store, she always comes back. It’s going to be okay. . . . . . blah, blah, blah,” I blabbered on and on, without taking a breath.
Son: “Mom, mom, I do miss you guys, too. But I mostly was talking about my college town (where he has lived this past summer, and also for the last four years of his adult life) and M (his lovely girlfriend, who has been his girlfriend since he was a senior in high school, and who currently lives in their college town.)”
Me: “Hahahaha! Of course! I knew that! How are you doing with the separation?” (Sob.)
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I love this tweet. Never has this fact been more evident than throughout this damn pandemic. Right??? Here are some of the Comments to go along with this tweet:
“Peak adulthood is realizing that your parents were just winging it, too.” -@mjonesonline
“Oddly comforting, isn’t it?” @allisonching1
“Middle age is looking around for an “adultier adult” and realize everyone else isdoing the same but they’re all looking at you. Because you ARE the adultiest adultpresent.” @getoffmylawn585
I recently did some self-reflection on this annoying thing that I do to my kids lately. It’s not charming, or “loving mommy” of me at all. (but honestly, I don’t see myself quitting it, anytime soon) Whenever my kids (ages 17 and up) have to do something exasperating that I used to do for them, such as calling customer service lines, and then waiting in the queue for 3.8 hours, and then having to speak to someone who doesn’t seem to understand English, and then being afraid to complain about this fact because it might get them “cancelled”, I just say this, with a quirky little smirk on my face:
“Welcome to adulthood!!” (and then I do this irritating laugh)
When my kids have to pay for something ridiculous, like paying an extra fee and some taxes for a permit for something that is required for a class that they’d rather not have to take in the first place, or when they complain about having to pay for things such as “batteries that aren’t included”:
I reliably chirp, “Welcome to adulthood!!”
Talk about being forced into a club that you never really wanted to join in the first place. And then looking around and going, “Wait, these are “the adults”?!? Seriously?!?”
On our walk last night, my husband and I were having a conversation, trying to make sense of the new round of COVID variants/mask rules/vaccine requirements/infection rates/school and work plans, etc., that seem to be all new, just for this week. Detaching and listening to our conversation, I had to giggle. We were repeating “news”, “conspiracy ideas”, things that we had “heard” in grocery store lines, work mandate memo updates, rumors from friends and neighbors, things that we had read on social media, etc. All of what we were saying to each other was completely convoluted. All of it contradicted each other. All of it was overwhelming and scary and frustrating and maddening. And of course, we both said all of it, with an air of solemn, all-knowing authority.
Welcome to adulthood.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
When we were walking our dogs last night, we noticed that our neighbors were walking their dog on the opposite side of the street. The neighbors were staring up at something perched in the branches of the tallest tree, by the sidewalk. The “something” that had our neighbors mesmerized, was an incredibly beautiful, majestic, large and regal hawk. We are fortunate enough to share our neighborhood with more than a few of these incredible birds.
“Isn’t it gorgeous?!” We yelled over to our neighbors, as they took several pictures of the hawk. No matter how many hawks you see, you never lose the desire to stop and to stare at them. They are mesmerizing members of the raptor realm.
“Yes. She was just being harassed by a bunch of mockingbirds,” our neighbor told us. Apparently this is a relatively common phenomenon. Mockingbirds, and other smaller birds often use “mob mentality” in order to try to harass and to scare the larger predator birds away from their nests and their own self-proclaimed territories.
The neighbors and my husband and I all laughed at the audacity of the mockingbirds. This incredibly striking and magisterial hawk could have easily taken out, one or more of the mockingbirds, in just one easy swoop, or by one swift swipe of her sharp talon. She could have chosen to do this, if for nothing else, than to make an example to the rest of the birds, that they had best quiet down, and respect her stealth capabilities and power.
But the hawk didn’t do anything. She didn’t feel the need to prove anything. The magnificent, confident hawk did not seem the least bit concerned about the noisy, angry mockingbirds. The hawk stayed in her calm, regal, elegant pose, and nonchalantly let all of us snap pictures of her, as we basked in her utterly staggering and awe-striking presence.
The hawk knew who she was, and she understood the force of her own presence. She calmly and serenely stood her ground. She didn’t let herself be bothered by the noisy chatter, coming from the flock of intimidated, and puffed-up mockingbirds. Hawks are wise and brilliant creatures. They carefully conserve their energy, only to extend this energy on the things that truly matter to their living experiences. Giving attention to a bunch of defensive, chattering, angry birds simply wasn’t worth it, to the intelligent, focused, dignified hawk. Her feathers remained unruffled.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Every soul is whole, no matter how wounded the mind is.” ~ Native American (credit: Native Red Cloud @Native3rd, Twitter)
Your soul is whole, baby, and it is always, always with you. Your soul has been with you since the beginning, and it will be with you until the end of time. How do you get out of your overthinking mind, and into your ever-peaceful soul? Here are some ways:
Take five deep breaths and notice the inhales and exhales.
Think of five people, places, pets, or things which you are grateful for, and notice what gratefulness feels like in your body. (for me, it is a buoyancy in my chest, and an overall feeling of relaxation and relief, much like floating safely in a swimming pool)
Do a body scan. Start at your toes. What are the sensations in your toes? Work all of the way up your body, to noticing the sensations at the top of you head.
Say a prayer to your Higher Power, with just these words, “Let me hear what you have to say to me.” That’s it. Just sit with that prayer, and if your mind starts to wander on to other things, or you find yourself wanting to get into “talky” mode, repeat the listening prayer. Let the peace wash over you. (this is a sort of prayer and meditation, all in one.)
Pick up one object that you like, say a “cherry”, and notice everything about the cherry. What does it look like? What does it sound like? What does it smell like? What does it feel like? What does it taste like?
Think of someone who you love, like you love no other. Imagine hugging that person and transferring all of the love that you hold in your heart, to that person. Now imagine both of you covered in that swirling energy of love. Feel what that feels like. Gift that feeling to the next person you think of, imagining that person all of the sudden getting showered in the beautiful, powerful energy of unconditional love.
When driving and passing people in their cars or on the street, think to yourself, “I love you and I bless you.” (this gives your mind and your heart a good job to do, without getting distracted by worries, or by anger about errant drivers. Your mind is just like a German Shepherd. It’s smart. It needs a job, all of the time. Give it a good job.)
Now if you prefer to stay in your overthinking, judgy, “stressed to the gills” mind/ego, here are some good ways to stay totally in your mindstate:
Think of everyone and everything that annoys you (in detail) and think, with an air of superiority, about why you are right and they are wrong.
Try to control everyone and everything going on around you, and sit in the feeling of utter, quickly growing frustration during this continuous, never-ending lesson in futility.
Think of your own worst fears and worries and think of all of the worst case scenarios that could happen from your worst fears and worries. Obsess on these outcomes. Let them grow exponentially. Use your imagination.
Spend at least two to three hours with Dr. Google, after experiencing a slight, but unusual pain in your neck.
Keep the news on, in the background 24/7, and check other news stories, compulsively on your phone at the same time, just to make sure that your mind is getting fed all of the negative news that is available to you, right in the moment.
Spend a good deal of your time beating yourself up for not being thin enough, or productive enough, or kind enough, or stylish enough, or smart enough. Be your own worst critic. Be creative with your harshness. Add a lot of sarcasm, just to be clever and cruel.
Replay in your mind, every past experience that has already happened, and start making harsh judgments about the whole event. Cut down and criticize yourself, others, and all of the players who you can think of who were involved in the situation, until you are depleted and exhausted. Stew in your gripes. Be sure to be extra nit-picky and passive aggressive. Repeat on a never-ending cycle.
“Every soul is whole, no matter how wounded the mind is.” Your soul is whole, baby. Pick your soul every time. Your mind is just like a German Shepherd. It needs to be redirected to do helpful things for you, in your overall life. Your mind isn’t bad. It just likes to have a job, and to work all of the time. So give your mind some training. Make your German Shepherd mind an excellent working dog that does good, helpful work for you – work that supports you, and guards you from harm (especially from yourself). On the other hand, your soul doesn’t need any training. Your soul is the glorious, holy resting place for you, and your German Shepherd mind. Give your mind lots of breaks, just letting it relax in the whole of your soul. Your soul is whole, baby. It is your source of life, love, peace and replenishment. It is the perfect part of you, and it is available to you, forever.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
