Tag: mindfulness

Ambedo

Word for the day: Ambedo The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows describes ambedo as this: n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life . . . .

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows was created to find words for emotions which we feel, that do not quite have a word for that particular, intricate feeling in traditional dictionaries of our modern languages. On another site the word ambedo is found beside the heading of “Thoroughly Depressing Word of the Day.” On this site (BK Words Worth Knowing), it says that ambedo is this: “briefly soaking in the experience of being alive, an act that is done purely for its own sake.”

I am not sure why ambedo and its meaning is considered to be “thoroughly depressing.” I am not quite sure why a word, that seems to me, to mean mindfulness which is also filled with deep emotion and appreciation, comes off as depressing. I find it more depressing how mindlessly and unmoved we seem to go through our lives a lot of the time. We get into habitual robotic action, often forgetting what we last did. We drive along in beautiful scenes full of nature and notice that everyone in these scenes are hunched over their phones, oblivious to the miraculous vitality teeming all around them. We stay in the dramatic, antagonizing stories created in our heads, while we miss the epic novels of being present in our every living moments, while being willing to fully feel the emotions and sensations which this presence brings to us.

Readers, let’s take some time today with ambedo. Let’s light a candle and stare at the flickering flame. Let’s watch water trickle into a fountain, and hear its light touch as it falls to the pool of water calmly catching it below. Let’s watch a precious pet napping in the sunshine and notice how the sunlight highlights the intricacies of fur and patterns of the fur slowly rising and falling to the vital breathing of our beloved companion. Perhaps what we really feel when we allow ourselves some rare ambedo moments, is an overwhelming, lump-in-the-throat awe of the incredible miracle of life. Perhaps the depression only comes about as an after-effect of ambedo, because we realize how little of our own lives we spend in the pure astonishment of the amazing, yet fleeting experience of it all. We worry about being in ambedo states as “wasting time”, and yet what ambedo does for us, is makes us come to the realization of how we waste so much of our living experience ignoring the true experience of real, tactile, beautiful, in-the-moment sensory life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Trying

Friends and I were having a discussion about different frustrations going on in our lives. I blurted out “That’s why it is so hard trying to be healthier in a world that mostly isn’t!” My friend said, “That’s a profound statement.”

By the time we reach middle age, my husband likes to say that pretty much everyone has gone through at least “one major biggie.” Something happens that rocks your world. Whether it be a major health situation, a relationship breakdown, or a career crisis, or something of the like, these are the pivotal moments in our lives. These are the moments where you either decide to get introspective and mindful, owning the parts that you play in the situation, and coming to the realization that the only person whose thoughts and actions you have any control over, are your own. Or, you stay mired in the victimhood of the situation, casting blame and moping in despair, on the throne of martyrdom, until the next crisis rears its ugly head.

It’s lonely to work on getting healthier in mind, body and spirit. There are plenty places to do it: nature, gyms, health food stores, churches, therapists, self-help books, support groups, yoga studios, etc., but oftentimes, if the quick fix doesn’t happen, we swiftly go back to our old habits, patterns and beliefs and feel sorry for ourselves. We always want the quick fix – a magic pill, with an absolute 100% guarantee.

It’s difficult, in any situation, to feel like you are that only kid who sees/accepts that the emperor obviously isn’t wearing any clothes. It feels lonely. Whether it is noticing all of the processed crap in our grocery stores, or facing all of the unhealthy communication styles in every social institution that we have (such as manipulation, passive aggressive comments, sarcasm, bullying, and sneaky half-truths. It’s funny that we’re so afraid of “direct communication” because we think that it is “mean”, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest and clear form of communication which we can utilize. People can deal with being disappointed that you aren’t able to go/do/be something that they want you to go/do/be, and you can live and deal with the knowledge that the person is disappointed. We’ve all coped with all sorts of disappointment in our lives, and we’re all still standing.) When we can sit with our own difficult emotions, instead of lashing out, or doing mindless, addictive behaviors to avoid feeling our feelings, or depressively shaming ourselves for having negative feelings, we are on a healthy road to acceptance and self-love and compassion for ourselves and for others. The ability to sit with our own difficult emotions is a simple process, but not an easy one. It’s actually pretty grueling. It takes constant practice and discipline to decide to work on being the healthiest version of ourselves. And that’s why it seems to be such a rare phenomenon in our society. Any family, social group, institution is usually only as healthy as its least healthy member.

It’s not our jobs to “fix” anyone but ourselves. Self improvement is a lot in itself. And when we keep the focus on ourselves, we can notice the unhealthiness in the people and the organizations and institutions surrounding us. We can use these observations to place boundaries to keep a safe path for ourselves to continue to grow and to heal and to prosper in our own lives. A great question to start with, to really get a detached view of yourself, and your individual beliefs, is to take a look at a situation that bothers you, and ask the question, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” You may be incredibly surprised about some of the falsehoods, silliness, and level of emotional control you have given to others, in this particular happening.

Our “stories” often aren’t full of facts at all. They are mostly our own perceptions, based on our own emotions and past experiences. My eldest son and I love watching indie films and thought-provoking shows, and talking about them afterwards. My husband and I recently watched “The White Lotus” and we really liked it and we recommended it to him. As expected, he loved the show and he binge watched it. When my son and I discussed the show, I was amazed at what stood out to him (parts that seemed relatively inconsequential to me). He made a lot of references and analogies to meditation, an interest of his that has he has been spending a lot of time on lately. I laughed to myself. My son is 26 and I’m almost 52. He’s half my age. Of course, what stood out for him in the show, would be different than what made an impression on me. I imagine if we both wrote reviews of “The White Lotus”, people might wonder if we watched the same show.

When I am being mindful, I notice when I am judging others for their lack of self-introspection, and then I can notice my physical, mental, and spiritual response to my judgment. What story am I telling myself about this person/situation/experience?

The sewing project above, if it were truly healthy (and not just cute and funny) would read, “People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with their own perceptions about, and need to control the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.” But that of course, would make the sewing project above much more time-consuming, difficult, and expensive, wouldn’t it now? That would be quite a demanding project.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Rug Bumps

credit: @TrainingMindful, Twitter

I don’t have much to write today. I am more in a pondering mood today. I do know that the meme above is true. It is an extremely difficult skill to bring up “hard things”, and to discuss them in a meaningful, healthy, helpful manner. And I also know that I haven’t mastered this skill yet, but it is something that I am working on, and I constantly do so. For healthy relationships with others, and with yourself, this skill is vital. And if “the difficult conversations” are ignored, dysfunction goes on and on and on, sometimes for generations. These days, there is a lot of talk about breaking cycles. Dysfunctional cycles aren’t broken when there is a lot of bumpy terrain underneath the rug.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday Fun and Stickiness

Happy Friday! Happy Friday Favorites!! On Friday, I keep it light and superficial on the blog and I discuss my favorites, such as products, beauty items, books, movies, websites, games, etc. It is the sensual stuff in life which makes it fun, so on Friday, I talk about the stuff that make my senses happy. Please check out previous Friday blog posts, for more favorites.

Before I get to today’s favorite, however, I have “a no horse pucky” story to tell you. Long time followers of the blog, know that I occasionally interject “no horse pucky” stories into the mix. (search up “no horse pucky” for more weird stories on the blog) These are stories that are so ridiculous and incredulous, you might think that I am pulling your tail. But I am not. Everybody has these crazy stories that happen in their lives every once in a while. These unusual events are so much fun to experience, and to retell.

Yesterday, our eldest son sent me a strange text. For background purposes, our eldest son is a tech professional who was attending a conference for his company in Boston earlier this week. My eldest son is a tall, gregarious twenty-six year-old man, who has curly red hair. (I only note his hair color because redheads/gingers can never be anonymous. They are rarely forgotten, primarily because they are so rare. Ask any ginger you know. This is the truth. When we took our son to Puerto Vallarta Mexico, when he was a toddler, the older village folk treated him like he was a god. They kept touching his hair for “good luck.”)

Anyway, the first line of the text said this: “Hey Mom! Random question for you, do you remember that apartment complex we moved into when we first moved to Charlotte (NC)? Was there a Colombian family there you gave a Steelers ornament to?”

Me: “Yes. Wow. Why?”

Our family moved from Pennsylvania to North Carolina in 2002, when our eldest son was six. We stayed in corporate housing apartments for three months that summer, until our house was ready to be moved into. While we were living in those apartments, we befriended a very nice Colombian family. They had just relocated to North Carolina from Columbia, because they wanted a safer place to live. Despite being well-off, educated professionals, and middle-class citizens in Columbia, they lived in constant fear of being kidnapped for ransom. That was a common thing in the early 2000s in Columbia. They said that they lived in terror, if any of the family members were even five minutes late coming home from work and appointments. We had a couple of enjoyable dinners together. I remember that they had lovely heirloom furniture and the wife introduced me to the wonders of cooking with capers. However, when we moved out of the apartment at the end of that summer, we lost touch and we never spoke or contacted each other again. We were never friends on social media.

Bottom line, it turns out that their son holds the same exact tech job, for the same exact company which my son works for, except that their son resides in Washington, D.C. and our son lives in New Jersey. Both young men happened to be at the same conference in Boston. Their son thought that he recognized my son (20 years after seeing each other at the age of six!) after they were talking and they realized that they had both lived in North Carolina as children.

Our son: “He told me his family kept that ornament for like ten years. LOL”

No horse pucky. In my opinion, coincidence is God being anonymous. This story brightened our day.

Okay, on to my favorite for today. It’s been a stressful summer, full of change and trepidation for our family and for our extended family. I have been looking for more items and objects to help me with mindfulness. On a whim, I purchased a Brain Games Sticker By Number book at our local grocery store. This book is like painting by numbers, but easier and less messy. The only skill that it requires is a steady hand. It’s such a satisfying, meditative activity and the end result is always really cute. I’ve already finished putting all of the stickers on that one particular book, and thus I have purchased three more of these Brain Games Sticker By Number books from Amazon. Try it. You’ll like it. You’ll relax doing it.

Have a great Friday! Go discover a new favorite to enjoy!! Don’t be afraid to play with stickers, no matter what your age!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Fill

Like so many others, I was shocked to read the story of the former Miss USA, Cheslie Kryst, killing herself by jumping off the 29th floor of a New York City building. Cheslie Kryst was an absolutely stunning young woman, who had both an MBA and a law degree from a very prestigious university. She worked as a correspondent for Extra Television (for which she had been nominated for Emmy awards) and she had her own fashion business. In March of 2021, she wrote as essay for Allure magazine about turning 30. Here are some excerpts from that essay:

“Each time I say, “I’m turning 30,” I cringe a little. Sometimes I can successfully mask this uncomfortable response with excitement; other times, my enthusiasm feels hollow, like bad acting. Society has never been kind to those growing old, especially women. (Occasional exceptions are made for some of the rich and a few of the famous.) When I was crowned Miss USA 2019 at 28 years old, I was the oldest woman in history to win the title, a designation even the sparkling $200,000 pearl-and-diamond Mikimoto crown could barely brighten for some diehard pageant fans who immediately began to petition for the age limit to be lowered.“

A grinning, crinkly-eyed glance at my achievements thus far makes me giddy about laying the groundwork for more, but turning 30 feels like a cold reminder that I’m running out of time to matter in society’s eyes — and it’s infuriating . . . .

After a year like 2020, you would think we’d learned that growing old is a treasure and maturity is a gift not everyone gets to enjoy. Far too many of us allow ourselves to be measured by a standard that some sternly refuse to challenge and others simply acquiesce to because fitting in and going with the flow is easier than rowing against the current. I fought this fight before and it’s the battle I’m currently fighting with 30.

When I graduated from college and opted to continue my studies at Wake Forest University, I decided I’d earn a law degree and an MBA at the same time. (Why stop at two degrees when you can have three?) I joined a trial team at school and won a national championship. I competed in moot court; won essay competitions; and earned local, regional, and national executive board positions. I nearly worked myself to death, literally, until an eight-day stint in a local hospital sparked the development of a new perspective. . . .

I discovered that the world’s most important question, especially when asked repeatedly and answered frankly, is: why? Why earn more achievements just to collect another win? Why pursue another plaque or medal or line item on my résumé if it’s for vanity’s sake, rather than out of passion? Why work so hard to capture the dreams I’ve been taught by society to want when I continue to find only emptiness?

Too often, I noticed that the only people impressed by an accomplishment were those who wanted it for themselves. Meanwhile, I was rewarded with a lonely craving for the next award. Some would see this hunger and label it “competitiveness”; others might call it the unquenchable thirst of insecurity.“

After reading this, I ran into the kitchen and I hugged my daughter and I reminded her that she is lovable just as she is. She is she. And that is wonderful, and it is enough. It will always be enough. Just fully “being” in every single moment, is all that is required to live, and to experience this awesome adventure which we call life and living. That existential hole that exists in all of us, cannot be filled with beauty, accomplishments, money, stuff, addictions, trips, awards, compliments, degrees, relationships. It can never be filled with externals, as desperately as we try sometimes. Our voids are filled, when we realize that everything that we need is already contained inside each and everyone of us. The one universal thing that every single one of us human beings shares, is Awareness. We all share the ability to notice what we are sensing, to notice what our fleeting thoughts are saying to us, and to be mindful as to where our emotions land in our bodies. We all even have the ability to notice the universal “hollow of the void.” If we can accept that everyone has the same exact peaceful, untouchable, eternal Awareness, inside of each and every one of us, and that Awareness unjudgmentally notices and stays in awe of everything in our unified experience, then we really aren’t alone, nor separate, are we? The Awareness is what is truly experiencing a (and every) lifetime in a certain body, in a certain set of circumstances, during a certain time period. And the Awareness is experiencing everything, at all times, forevermore. (Remember Awareness is the ocean, we are the waves.) Our silly little made-up egos and personalities (the little ripples and waves), are just along for the ride of the bigger Ocean’s overall experience. The hole isn’t empty. It never has been. It has always been quite full and it flows eternally. We just need to remember that we are not separate from Life/Awareness/Ocean/God. We are all One with it. And if we can keep that perspective, and remember to just live in the moment, and if we don’t take our own “little selves” too seriously, we can experience our lives the way our lives were meant to be experienced, moment by moment, in peaceful awe and pleasure and in pride of our One Ever-Flowing Beautiful Creation.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fuzzy Friday

I was going to share this picture with you, my readers, yesterday, but instead there was a fiasco in Washington DC that sorely needed to be addressed. I needed to get my feelings out about everything, in written form. That’s how I best process my inner emotional world – by writing. Anyway, welcome to Favorite Things Friday! On Fridays (in honor of my favorite day of the week), I typically list three favorite things, or songs, or books, or ideas, or websites, which have made my life a little more colorful and interesting and I strongly encourage you to add your favorites to my Comments section. Check out my previous Friday posts for more favorites. They can provide ideas for what to spend your holiday gift cards on. I usually use up my holiday gift cards almost immediately, every year. I tell myself that I am afraid of losing the gift cards, plus the sales are great, so I go all in. I am always amazed when people have gift cards left over from the previous decade. I am in awe of people who still have gift cards to places that already have new logos.

A few Fridays ago, I mentioned a favorite new app for my phone, called Marco Polo. In posting a video with a group of my friends, I caught the giggles and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. I thought to myself, what a wonderful thing to have in my back pocket – a video of me, laughing. So on days, when it is hard to find something to laugh about it, I can watch myself laugh, as a reminder of brighter days. On to my favorites for today:

Chia Pets – My husband got the Bob Ross Chia Pet pictured above, for my daughter for Christmas (among other things). It has brought a lot of smiles to our family (and now hopefully to you, too). Bring back the wonderment of your childhood and buy yourself a chia pet. They grow really fast (obviously) and the chia pet will help you to make your own video of yourself, giggling, as you watch your pet grow.

S.O.A.R. – I read about this mindfulness technique recently and it has really helped me to deal with everything that is going on in our world these days. When you feel a turbulence of feelings, use this technique.

S. – Stop and breathe deeply. (deep enough to make your belly rise and fall)

O. – Stay detached and observe what your feeling feels like, in a physical sense. Where does anger land in your body? What is the physical sensation of sad or bewildered?

A. – Accept your feelings. What we resist, persists. What we try to disown in us, doesn’t go away, it just often shows up in other ways, like in the form of sickness, or in sleep disturbances, or in short fuses, etc. Feelings are just feelings. It is okay to feel whatever you feel. Just accept your feelings.

R. – Release and let go of that feeling. You will be surprised by how easily a feeling that has been observed and accepted, will pass on by. We experience thousands of different thoughts and a wide range of feelings every day. I always remind myself and my family, that our true essence is that of the steady blue sky. Clouds come, and they go. The clouds always, always pass on through.

Addison Weeks Jewelry – I have probably shared this designer with you before, but I keep going back for more pieces of this jewelry. (My husband bought me my first piece of Addison Weeks jewelry, as a gift, a few years ago. He probably rues the day.) This year, I have fallen in love with Addison Weeks’ chains and charms that are interchangeable and look so lovely, layered together. My favorite thing about Addison Weeks jewelry is that it always incorporates natural crystals and stones. I love to wear nature. It calms me. It grounds me. Wearing a piece of what has come from the earth, feels right and Addison Weeks allows me to do this, is a fashionable, eye-catching way.

Happy Friday, my dear friends and readers!! Have a lovely weekend! See you tomorrow.

Book Nerd

In the beginning of the year, I download books to my Kindle like they are candy. On top of the books that have been so kindly gifted to me, I gift myself about 100 more. (okay, that is an exaggeration, but I do get particularly book hungry at the beginning of the year, and my appetite is voracious) During most of the year, I methodically read books, one at a time, but during the beginning of the year, I dive into my books like its a smorgasbord of ideas and words and interesting stories. My pile of books becomes like a plate which you have filled up at a “serve yourself, all you can eat” banquet or buffet, with all of the books piled up, and running and oozing into each other, and thus, I can’t remember what flavor or tidbit belongs to which brilliant piece of literature. I get overwhelmed and delighted with everything that sits before me, and I want to devour it all, and fast. I am not sure why I do this. I find myself reading too fast and not always savoring the different styles of writing and genres. Perhaps there is more downtime around the holidays that I want to use up, or maybe I am always looking for some inspiration to help me with my “theme of the year.” Or maybe it is just that I love to read, and fresh starts remind me to do what I really love to do, in my life.

I saw on Twitter that Stephen King recently celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary. That interesting and inspiring tidbit, spurred me to look up more information about Stephen King, and to order his book, On Writing A Memoir of the Craft. Honestly, I have never read any of Stephen King’s fiction books because I am a huge scared-y cat. I’ve seen maybe three Stephen King movies, and those viewings were decades ago, and they still terrorize me. I wrote off “all things scary”, quite a bit a time ago. My flight/fight response is very dramatic and intense, and it is not healthy for me to go through it, or for anyone else to have to witness it. Still, in just reading the first few chapters of this book, I realize how much I have missed out on. Stephen King is a master. His writing is so engaging, it is almost an out of body experience.

I read everywhere. I read advertisements. I read people’s faces and energy and emotions. I read quirky signs in stores. I find a lot of good short reads on Twitter. Something that I read on Twitter recently, is a question, which is really a tool that I plan to use all of the year of 2021, until I forget about it. The Twitter blurb said: Am I passing on love, or am I passing on pain? And I thought to myself, on the flip side of this, when I am experiencing dialog or reactions or actions, from other people, is what they are doing: passing on love or passing on pain? When I am kind, generous, paying attention and listening, thoughtful, using direct communication and exuding optimism, these actions are coming from a place of love. When I am sarcastic, cynical, mean, passive aggressive, violent, judge-y, tossing out guilt trips, or being manipulative or controlling, these actions are coming from a place of pain, and it is my job to filter through those feelings of pain, to heal myself, so that I don’t act from a place of pain, for most of my time. Me, and my relationships, will be healthier for that honest introspection. At the same time, if I use that same kind of consciousness and mindfulness, when noticing other people’s actions and reactions, I can keep a level of detachment, and thus not personalize these interactions so much. When a person is being cruel or hurtful, that is coming from a deep rooted pain within themselves. It is not my job to fix that other person’s pain. It’s not even possible to do so. Only that person can heal their own pain, but it helps me to see the angry person, who I am dealing with, in a more empathetic light. It also helps me to see with whom I need to have better boundaries with, in my life. Finally, that question is a really good question to ask ourselves, about how we treat our own selves. Am I passing on love (to myself) or am I passing on pain (to myself)? How do I speak to myself? How do I nurture my body? Do I protect myself from toxic people and experiences? Do I treat myself to the things that speak to my deepest, most intuitive sense of self? How I interact with myself is often deeply entwined with how I interact with others. This simple question brings a level of mindfulness and consideration to all interactions, which can really help to lift up the amount of peace in anyone’s daily life.

I think that is why I love to read so much. There is great, great power in words. An eleven word question that I casually read on Twitter, may be a life changer this year for me, if I consciously remind myself of the question, and I utilize it. Someone once told me that you are the culmination of the people you meet, the experiences you have, and the books that you read. I believe that this could be true. Perhaps my book reading frenzy in the beginning of my new year, is just part of those resolutions or intentions that we all make to ourselves in the beginning of the year, in the hopes of becoming a better version of own selves. If the books that I read, are a part of who I become, I want to find and to explore and to discover as many different facets of myself, and my living experience as I can, before I no longer have the ability to do so. Books help to navigate me, to myself, and that is why books are meant to savor.