Last week, a young woman who was a student at the high school where all of my children graduated from, took her own life. While, of course, suicide has a lot of complicating factors, it was well known by the student population that this popular, talented young woman was being bullied by, and ostracized from her friend group. Something about a boy . . . .
“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” – Unknown
We teach the younger generations not by what we say and lecture about, but more so by what we do in our own lives and how we behave on an every day basis.
“The life you lead is the lesson you teach.” – Marie Humphrey
So many lives have been forever hurt by this awful tragedy. Not only will this young woman’s family and true friends have to live with this horrific loss forever, but the girls who bullied her will have to live with this taint on own their lives forevermore. Where did these girls learn bullying? Where did they learn gossiping and ganging up? Where do “Mean Girls” come from?
We help the world when we heal ourselves. It doesn’t feel good to be a mean girl at any stage in life, and it doesn’t feel good to be a target of mean girls during any stage of our lives. Meanness comes from a feeling of insecurity and lack. Happy, contented people are not mean people. Meanness is wearing your wounds like a tattoo, for the world to see. Kind, secure, confident women raise kind, secure, confident women. May we all aim to be these healthy, highest forms of womankind.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Thinking is difficult. That’s why most people judge.” – Carl Jung
At dinner last night, we got to talking about whether or not certain ideas/theories should be taught in schools, as part of the curriculum. I have not done enough research to make an informed opinion on these different subjects. However, what I do know, is that I believe what absolutely should be included in every school’s curriculum (especially in these days of information overload, and extreme bias and slants on every subject in the world. What/who doesn’t have a bias these days? “Just the facts, ma’am” is an humorous, rare antiquity in today’s world.) is Critical Thinking. In our lives, we tend to accept a belief about something, and then, that’s it. Once our beliefs are formed, we rarely reconsider them again. We never question our beliefs or consider that there may be other ways of looking at things, or we may have our own irrational prejudices clouding our vision. Its often easier to stay firm in our convictions, even when all of the evidence starts to point in a different direction.
“We rarely find what we do not seek.” – Words of Worth
Why do we stay so firm in our stances? Is it stubbornness? Is it laziness? Critical thinking is hard work and we humans are creatures of habit. Is it embarrassment of the idea of possibly having made a mistake or been erroneous – i.e. “the need to save face”? Is it the fear of being ostracized or letting others down? Is it the need to feel “right” and thus, “superior”? In today’s world, someone admitting that they were wrong or mistaken about something, is such a rare phenomenon that it’s unbelievably heroic. It is my belief that these people who can admit the errors of their ways, are the most interesting, strong, integrity filled (and utterly scarce) people out of all of us.
I am almost 52 years old, and I am amazed at how every single year of my life, a new cloud that was blocking my view, dissipates with each time that I am willing to reconsider what I think, and how I feel about things. Sometimes, my moments of reconsideration, help to further cement my views, but either way, I always feel like a better, more informed, more self-aware person, than when I was just blindly going through the motions of unexplored labels I put on myself (or others placed on me), sometimes from childhood on.
I think if I were to teach Critical Thinking, I would work first on helping to create students so confident, and so sure of themselves and their abilities to consider all facets of a problem or situation, that admitting that they could be wrong about their assumptions would be peanuts. Making mistakes and having erroneous ideas would be just another part of getting to the true heart of a dilemma – nothing personal, just part of the process of chipping away to the truth. Maybe that’s why we have a hard time questioning and critically thinking about our own beliefs and ideologies. We personalize and identify with our “labels” too much. And by doing that, we often limit who we are at the very heart and core of our most creative minds. Labels limit us. When you strip away all of the labels, philosophies and dogmas, we are truly unfathomably limitless. Maybe if enough of us keep focusing on a continuous, unending course of Critical Thinking throughout our lifetimes, we will start to see what this “limitless” version of humanity could look like. My belief (yet I am willing to be challenged on this) is that if this happened, our world would be more awestriking, and at ease, than the likes we have ever seen or yet imagined.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge. —Stephen Hawking
I think that this is the big crossroads of aging versus staying youthful. If we grow into our age believing that we know everything and that we have everything all figured out, our mind becomes old and decrepit. There is no elasticity there. Our mind is stuck in its own judgmental closed capsule of fluids that are turning a decaying yellow. When we stay curmudgeonly stuck in the process of aging, we choose only to focus on things that emphasize and validate to us, what we smugly think that we already know.
A youthful mind can’t get enough. A youthful mind is curious, imaginative, creative, and full of wonder and innocence. A youthful mind constantly gets replenished in gargantuan waterfalls of inspiration and refreshed in the pools of hope and possibility.
And below is just for fun because it is Monday – Funday (and its a good reminder to remain youthful) Bugles are so underrated:
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“A poet’s work (is) to name the unnamable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it from going to sleep.” – Salman Rushdie
Welcome to poetry day on the blog. Sundays are devoted to the songs of our souls – poetry. Lately, I have been really moved by other people’s poems, so I haven’t been writing my own. I have two poems to share with you, written by other poets which I think are excellent works of words. I miss writing poems though, too. I think that I will work on some poetry this week. I hope that you will, too. Please share your poems in my Comments section. Have a poetic, idyllic end to the weekend.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“Career OVER. I’ve made my mark. I’m done. We were lining up for lunch. A student gives me a hug. I immediately start joking. Are you looking for an A?! Do you want a candy bar?! She looks up at me and says: You’re the reason I come to school.” (credit: @joypcoffee, Twitter)
Teachers, you are amazing. I am friends with many excellent teachers. And I can still call out the teachers by name who made a big difference in my own life and of course, I can also call out by name the teachers who made a huge difference in the lives of our four children. Teachers, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The kids in our area started school this week. It feels surreal. This will be the first time in over two decades that I won’t belong to a PTA, or have to go on a scavenger hunt to find an odd colored folder with a specific amount of pockets that doesn’t exist.
Our youngest child, our daughter, started college this summer. She is home for a couple of weeks before she heads back to her university for the fall session. She was horrified when were in a store the other day and the clerk asked her if she was doing back-to-school shopping. “I’m in college,” she declared, loud and proud, for everyone around to hear. At what age does the shift occur when we no longer want to be noticed for being older and more mature? I can’t even remember. That ship sailed a long, long time ago for me. I did feel slightly delighted (and a little embarrassed) when I was purchasing BOGO iced animal crackers and the clerk asked me if these were for school snacks. “My kids are all grown,” I admitted. “These are mature woman sneaky snacks for when sugar cravings hit.” She nodded in full understanding.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Eruption at Mount Edna (Sicily) gives the illusion of a Phoenix in the sky (credit: @fastworkers6, Twitter)
What an amazing world we live in! In a matter of ten minutes (after studying this amazing picture above which was taken in May of this year), I watched a video of a newborn calf who was born at 3 a.m. last night, a lecture given about marketing by the late Steve Jobs, and a fabulous dancing video of the late Carmen Amaya, who is considered to be the greatest woman flamenco dancer who has ever lived. All of this greatness, arrived at the touch of my finger before 7:15 a.m. Why is this ability to see and to experience, and to learn about so much, so easily, so taken for granted? I remember the days of having to painstakingly research everything that I was curious about, utilizing card catalogs and microfiche. Don’t get caught in ruts, friends. Don’t watch the same news channels, droning on the same negativity every single day. Broaden your horizons. This world is incredible. Put your focus on what puts you into the state of awe.
Happy Friday!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!! What’s my favorite thing for today? I live in Florida. Hair and humidity do not mix. I finally found a hair product that helps to keep my hair in relative form. It’s not perfect, but it is better than any other product I have tried thus far. Paul Mitchell Fast Drying Sculpting Spray is effective, relatively inexpensive, and available in travel size at your local CVS, in order to try it before you purchase the large size. (that’s how I originally discovered this gem of a product)
Please check out my previous Friday posts for more favorites, and do something this weekend that will put it on the list of one of your favorite weekends of all time!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I read a fascinating book yesterday. I couldn’t put it down. It is the first time in a while in which I have read an entire book in one day. The book just came out and it is called I’mGlad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. Jennette McCurdy is a (now grown) child star who is best known as the character “Sam” on the Nickelodeon hit “iCarly.” My kids loved watching that TV show growing up, and I personally always enjoyed the character of “Sam” the best. However, the book makes it abundantly clear that Jennette doesn’t like “Sam” at all. I’m Glad My Mom Died is a memoir of what it was like to be a little girl forced into child acting, by an overbearing, abusive, narcissistic stage mom, in order to live out the unfulfilled dreams of her own mother. Jennette comes into her adulthood, realizing that she never liked being an actress at all. Jennette comes into adulthood realizing that her entire childhood was spent hoping to make her extremely difficult to please and sickly mother, happy. Jennette feels robbed of her childhood, her adolescence and her very own sense of self. The book is a brutally honest, frank, often funny, yet frequently sad memoir, leaving the reader with hope that Jennette can come into her true self, in a healthy way, leaving the ghosts of her past behind. (Warning the book is explicit, and may hold triggers for people, including candid accounts of abuse, sexual encounters and eating disorders.)
For my fellow writers who read my blog, you will definitely relate to this excerpt from the book:
“I absolutely prefer writing to acting. Through writing, I feel power for maybe the first time in my life. I don’t have to say anybody else’s words. I can write my own. I can be myself for once. I like the privacy of it. Nobody’s watching. Nobody’s judging. Nobody’s weighing in. No casting directors or agents or managers or directors or Mom. Just me and the page. Writing is the opposite of performing to me. Performing feels inherently fake. Writing feels inherently real.”
And chapter 91 was perhaps the most brutally honest chapter of the book, yet incredibly insightful. Jennette writes:
“Why do we romanticize the dead? Why can’t we be honest about them? Especially moms. They’re the most romanticized of anyone. . . . My mom didn’t deserve her pedestal. She was a narcissist. She refused to admit she had any problems, despite how destructive those problems were to our entire family. My mom emotionally, mentally, and physically abused me in ways that will forever impact me. . . . Her death left me more questions than answers, more pain than healing, and many layers of grief – the initial grief from her passing, then the grief of accepting her abuse and exploitation of me, and finally the grief that surfaces now when I miss her and start to cry . . . . Sometimes when I miss her I start to fantasize what life would be like if she were alive and I imagine that she’d have apologized, and we’d have wept in each other’s arms and promised each other we’d start fresh. Maybe she’d support me having my own identity, my own hopes and dreams and pursuits.
But then I just realize I’m just romanticizing the dead in the same way I wish everyone else wouldn’t.
Mom made it very clear she had no interest in changing. If she were still alive, she’d still be trying her best to manipulate me into being who she wants me to be.”
Two of my absolute favorite activities in this world are reading and writing. I am not sure which I like better, but I do know that they go hand-in-hand. I’m so grateful for the written word.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“A person who leaves when they are angry, often returns. A person who leaves when they are calm, rarely returns.” – Wise Connector, Twitter
“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” – Elie Wiesel
Love and hate are often passionate and fueled with emotion. Many unhealthy relationships (romantic and otherwise) exist on the yo-yo spectrum of love and hate, because the parties involved are in love with the drama, and the excitement, and they are individually fueled by the passion and the spectacle of the relationship, not necessarily with each other. This yo-yo string keeps them connected, and the back and forth cycle continues ad nauseum, until someone finally burns out and the string is irretrievably broken.
Any time in my life that I came to a conclusion about leaving a place, a job, a relationship, a situation, a habit, etc. it always came with a quiet, calm, sincere fullness of knowing. The last drop fell into my already overflowing pitcher, and there was no more room left for me and my energy, to stay in an untenable situation. It is in these moments in my life when I fully came to understand what my own intuition really and truly feels like. The comfort of the wisdom of our intuition is other-worldly. Intuition doesn’t arrive with an highly detailed plan book and a guaranteed crystal ball prediction of the future. Instead, intuition comes with an assurance like you have never felt before. It assures you that all that you have to do is take the next right step, and you will be lead. Intuition is not necessarily fearless, but it is reassuringly affirming that you are more than able to rise above the fear and do what you must do. Intuition comes to us with an urgency that is not excitable, but is intense and persistent. Intuition is our best leader, but your intuition won’t force you to follow it. Intuition is much like love – patient, kind, understanding . . . . Perhaps our own intuition, is the best form of self-love which we can ever know. Substitute “intuition” for “love”, in the ever comforting love verses in the Bible. It makes complete sense. Love is an action. Following your intuition is the act of loving yourself.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I was a little soul sick yesterday when I heard the news that Olivia Newton-John had passed. What little girl in the 70s/80s couldn’t sing every song by heart in the Grease soundtrack? My fun, stylish, youngest aunt took my sister and I to see ONJ’s “Physical” concert. It was the first musical concert I had ever been to, and it was amazing. What a lovely, talented lady! Olivia Newton-John will be missed.
It struck me lately that a lot of my “regulars” whom I count on to be there: my dentist, my hair stylist, my son’s neurologist, and my favorite pedicurist, are all older than me. And I am no longer a spring chicken. I now worry that at any given appointment that I have with them, they will be announcing their well-earned retirements. And I will be devastated. I am not ready to let go.
“Let go.” We get told that a lot in life. And the older that we get, the more often we are reminded to just “let go.” It make sense. Wanting things to be different than they are, is a sure way to go crazy in the moment. Still letting go is not easy. It never gets easier. We all know the steps to letting go: Accept the things we can’t change, change the things we can, and move on or away from toxic people and situations. Lose our rigid expectations, i.e. “the shoulds.” Allow ourselves to feel our feelings, in order to free them. Get lost in a creative outlet. Pray and stay with our faith. Stay focused on the tasks at hand (mindfulness). Look for the silver linings and the possibilities of the situation. etc. etc. Honestly, in my own experience and in observing others, it is mostly just time and patience that helps the letting go process finally happen. Letting go can’t be forced.
At our ages, we have been doing this “letting go” thing a long time now. And it never seems to get much easier. I suppose it all comes down to letting go of the idea that life should always be utopian. Or letting go of the idea that we actually know what utopian should look like. Letting go means forgiving ourselves for struggling against what is, and giving ourselves permission to move forward into what may be . . . .
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
