Tag: middle age

Dumb Little Things

I have a couple of friends who are in the beginning stages of getting divorced. It’s a situation fraught with emotion, and unfortunately, I have proven myself not to be the best support system in this situation. I just always manage to express the wrong words, it seems (my foot-in-mouth game is in full force these days). Last night, my guys were all at a football game, so I decided to watch a couple of podcasts with an interesting character named James Sexton, who is a divorce lawyer in New York City and has been one for over 20 years, in order to better understand the situation my friends are dealing with in their break-ups. James Sexton has handled many high profile/high net worth divorces and he has written a couple of books, the latest called: How to Stay in Love: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together. I should mention that James Sexton, himself, is divorced.

James Sexton doesn’t necessarily believe in the institution of marriage, although he claims that he still gets as weepy-eyed and romantic as anyone, at a beautiful wedding. (He claims he always watches the groom, because he loves to see that fullest expression of excitement, and hopefulness and love, in a man’s eyes.) In his experience as a divorce lawyer, Sexton claims that only about 25 percent of people are happily married. Over half of all marriages end in divorce (although people remain bright-eyed and hopeful, as 80 percent of divorced people marry again within 5 years), and he believes that about another 25 percent stay unhappily married because of religion, or for financial reasons, or “for the kids”. James Sexton says it all starts when people first get married. He claims people don’t know what they want out of marriage and when they do figure out what they want, they don’t know how to clearly and effectively communicate what they want to their spouse. James Sexton claims that if all marriages had prenuptial agreements (which he emphatically emphasizes to get) it would force people to confront those issues, and to learn how to communicate better about the “tough stuff”, right out of the box.

What breaks up marriages according to Sexton? He claims that marriages break apart very slowly, until it is “all at once.” While it appears that a marriage ends because a big calamity of cheating or financial blow-ups, the truth is, according to Sexton, that these things are generally the grand finale of a slow meltdown. “It’s dumb little things, man,” he said to one interviewer. He talks about one client first noticing that her marriage was breaking up when her husband no longer purchased her favorite granola, like he always had done. James Sexton says that the little, every day kindnesses (and sometimes even sacrifices) that we do for each other, is what makes our spouse feel so loved and appreciated and special. And he questions, why is this so hard for us to do? Why are we stingy with the actions and the compliments and the cheerleading for the one person who has given us the most to us in our lives, that being the pledge to share their entire lifetime with us? (James Sexton reminds people that all marriages end – either in death or in divorce.) He claims that the happiest marriages almost always seem to be the marriages that have a “us against the big, bad, scary world/life problems” mentality. Sexton says that the happiest marriages are those in which each partner is, by far, the other’s biggest fan and supporter.

I’ve been married for almost 29 years. I am still completely in love with my husband and I believe that he feels the same way about me (he always makes me feel loved and supported and cherished). It’s not always been a cakewalk. We have gone through major moves, job loss, financial disasters, dealing with supporting a child through the ups and downs of epilepsy, a miscarriage, dysfunctional relationships in our extended families, etc. We also have shared four beautiful children, amazing trips and adventures, financial booms, lived in beautiful places and have together loved countless pets, etc. We have shared an interesting, full life experience with each other so far. I feel blessed by my marriage more than anything in my life, but I also get grumpy and resentful and hurt. My husband does, too. In the end, though, I do believe that we both have always made “Team Us” our biggest priority.

The other day, I got a wake-up call from one of my best friends from college. On that day, I realized that she was even a better friend than I ever knew before. We had lunch and during that lunch, I was complaining to her about a trip that my husband wants to take this spring, to a place that I really don’t care to visit. A place that has deeply intrigued him for over a decade, scares me and really doesn’t interest me at all. I have told my husband to go with someone else, but he really wants to share this adventure with me. I have reluctantly agreed, but I have also managed to make him feel guilty and less excited by exuding my obvious blase, disinterested, “I’m doing you a big favor” attitude. After lunch, my friend called me, as we were both driving back to our own homes. She said that she still wanted to talk to me and that’s when she told me her truth: “You have always been an adventurer and a lot of tourists travel to this place every year. If you need to complain or gripe about it, call me, but support him. We’ve always talked about how lucky we feel in our marriages. I think that you should be more supportive of him. You won’t regret it.”

And she was so right! And in that moment, I felt incredibly grateful for my marriage, and also for this particular, insightful friendship all at once. (that kind of burst of gratefulness will bring you to tears – it feels so good) What did I do then? I burst out of the car when I got home and I told my husband how grateful I was for all his support in everything that I have ever wanted throughout the years (including having three dogs when he would have been happy with one, is just one example) and I also confessed what my friend had said to me, and that I realized that she was so right. I said from that moment forward, I have decided to be more open-minded and supportive and interested about the trip. And then my husband smiled and he said that she was always his favorite out of my friends. (ha!)

There is obviously no one magic formula for a happy marriage. James Sexton makes a point that in any other scenarios, almost none of us would enter into a situation with such hopeless odds stacked against us. Still, we do. Our need for love and connection and hope is strong and wired hard, into our DNA. I highly recommend checking out James Sexton on some of his YouTube video interviews. He is insightful, candid, and a great communicator.

“We’ve been indoctrinated to believe that it’s immoral to try to change someone else. We’ve been told that love, real love, is about accepting your partner “for who they are.” But we’re constantly changing our romantic partners merely by our presence in their day-to-day lives. They react to us. We react to them. That’s kind of the point. We influence each other’s behavior and, ideally, help each other, together, be the best version of ourselves.” – James Sexton

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

credit: @woofknight, Twitter

We have been hanging out with our two middle sons and their friends this past weekend. Our sons are 25 and 22. They eat a lot, and they have high, fast, young people metabolisms. I’ve been trying to keep up as best as I can. This lipstick will definitely come in handy for the rest of the week. I just couldn’t keep it secret from you until Favorite Things Friday. Ha!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

We have two of our sons with us this weekend which “magically” coincided with some delivery of outdoor furniture that needs to be assembled. (ha!) Anyway, my attention is diverted this weekend, so for this day of poetry on the blog, I am going to share some lovely words of Walt Whitman’s, who is considered to be one of America’s greatest poets ever. Walt Whitman loved our country. He called America “a teeming nation of nations” and “A grand, sane, towering, seated Mother.” I wonder if he would question her sanity today? Today’s poem is an excerpt from Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman:

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me.

Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”

Walt Whitman famously said this: “I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Weirdo

In my morning readings, I just read the word idiosyncratic. I haven’t seen that word in a while, and I love it. Idiosyncratic is one of my favorite words. Idiosyncratic means peculiar or individual. It means having habits and actions that are individual to you. Your idiosyncrasies are what make you stand out from the crowd. These are the things that the people who love you will nod about and recognize and smile, when you are spoken about. At my mother-in-law’s funeral in December, my sister-in-law passed out green ink pens to everyone. My mother-in-law wrote all of her correspondence (cards and letters) in green ink only. It was one of her special idiosyncrasies.

What are your idiosyncrasies? List them. Love them. Discover yourself today. Be proud of what makes you interesting and unique. Don’t be ashamed of what makes you, you. Those who love you will find these idiosyncratic attributes of yours to be endearing and familiar and interesting and intriguing and amusing and sometimes at the very least, just forgivable. Those who find your idiosyncrasies odd or irritating do not matter. They are not “your people.”

“It is one of man’s curious idiosyncrasies to create difficulties for the pleasure of resolving them.” – Joseph de Maistre

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Pumpkin, It’s Friday

Hello!! Happy Friday!! On Fridays, I keep it on the surface and I discuss the stuff that I like. Fridays on the blog are all about my favorites. Please add your own favorites to my Comments. We all love the joy of finding new favorite things to help us to enjoy life on an everyday basis! It’s all about the little things, isn’t it?

Sadly, we don’t have a Trader Joe’s close to us, but we were visiting my daughter at her university last weekend and she and I could not resist a visit to one of our favorite shops. True to the season, Trader Joe’s is not immune to the pumpkin craze. There was pumpkin everything, everywhere you looked. So, my daughter and I loaded up the cart with pumpkin stuff (and even an actual, real pumpkin for her balcony). My favorite out of this lot (and my daughter’s, too) is Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Body Butter. Surprisingly, this body butter does not smell like pumpkin. In fact, it has very little scent. The secret ingredient, however is the pumpkin seed oil, on top of coconut oil and shea butter. These ingredients combined make this cream easily absorbable, long lasting, and particularly emollient. As usual when it comes to Trader Joe’s, this big jar is a bargain at only $4.99!

Have a great weekend! See you tomorrow!!

Credit: Courtney W. May, Pinterest

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Paintings

Gregorio Catarino is a man on Twitter who posts wonderful pieces of art every single day. This artwork above is by Zlata Devic Salaj. They say that dogs and their humans often resemble each other. Clearly, these two beauties above would be happy to say that this is an absolutely true statement. I found this picture to be particularly captivating because it reminded me of this tall, elegant white-haired woman who would walk two stunning, dignified white Borzois around our neighborhood. I haven’t seen the three of them in a while, but I imagine that I was embarrassingly obvious about just gaping and staring at the group of them, when they sauntered on by. The woman and her canine companions looked like a walking portrait, coming right out of a fashion magazine.

Speaking of art, I attended my second Zen art class yesterday. My teacher, and my husband, and my friends are being so lovely and encouraging and complimentary. I haven’t taken a formal art class since college and I had forgotten how much I love to create art. My husband said to me the other day that he has always loved and admired my artistic side, and that made me happy and sad at the same time. I wish I hadn’t let my interest in art go dormant for this long. I find myself shocked and disappointed when the two hour class is over. I’ve decided that I may take an art class for the rest of my life, much like one of the students I met yesterday. Cheryl is 85 and an amazing artist who has sold many paintings. She told me that she realized her own affinity for art when her daughter was three. Her daughter was given one of those old fashioned tin watercolor paint sets for her birthday, and she didn’t know what to do with it. Cheryl decided to show her daughter how to paint, using a dandelion as her “model” in their yard. Cheryl fell in love with painting that very day. She told me that she still has her original dandelion painting. Cheryl also told me that she never plans to die. And I imagine that Cheryl won’t die. At the very least, her spirit will live on through her beautiful paintings.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Auspicious

These are the quotes that stuck out for me today, in my morning readings. They speak for themselves:

“Your values become your destiny.”
– Gandhi

“Every moment happens twice: inside and outside, and they are two different histories.” – Zadie Smith

And here is my own “feel good” story of the week:

As I mentioned in the blog, I started taking a Japanese Zen Art class last week at a local Fine Arts Center. Many Japanese calligraphers and artists use a red block stamp to mark their works, instead of signing them. I was excited to purchase my own soapstone stamp and red ink, to start making my mark on my own art. As I was searching for something unique and special (I’m not a lover of “practical and pedestrian”), I saw the unusual ink pad above up for auction on eBay. I put it on my watch list because I adored it. I sensed its special quality. Apparently, the turtle vermillion ink pad was made in Kyoto, Japan and it was sold to the seller in a specialized, traditional calligraphy shop there. The seller said that he was selling the ink pad because he no longer dabbles in calligraphy. He claims that the the turtle is considered to be an “auspicious” animal in Japan.

Now the truth is, my second Zen Art class is already this afternoon, and I am not a patient gal. I wanted my stamp, and my Asian red ink for today. I had already done a “Buy It Now” on an interesting stone stamp and I didn’t want to wait around for an auction to end on the ink pad above, so instead, I purchased a more “practical and pedestrian” ink pad from Amazon, and that was that. Truthfully, I had forgotten all about the turtle ink pad on eBay.

Last night, I was having trouble falling asleep. My husband and our three dogs were snoring away in chorus, as I tossed and I turned. Finally, I picked up my phone and I played around with it, and then I looked at my email. There was an automated email from eBay saying that the turtle ink pad auction was about to end and there were no bids on it. Eleven minutes from ending, I placed my bid. What did I have to lose? I played a couple of games and when I came back to my email, it turns out that I had won the auction. The adorable turtle ink pad is mine!! I paid the seller and then I finally fell into a deep sleep.

Almost every morning, my husband arises at the ungodly hour of 4:45 to go to the gym. I sleep. Around 6 o’clock this morning, I hear the buzzing of texts going off on my phone. I look at my texts and I see that the Family Chat was full of texts. I could start feeling my heart beating out of my chest, but then I calmed myself, reminding myself that if there were a real emergency, there would have been an actual phone call from someone. I quickly looked at the texts. They started with my husband texting that he saw a strange little white thing moving erratically on our street this morning when he came home from the gym and he wanted to see what it was, so he got closer and this is what he found:

The little turtle’s bright white egg was hanging by a thread on its back. My husband gingerly scooped up the precious little hatchling, and he brought it to safety, by taking the newborn baby turtle off of the road and placing it on a rock, by the small lake in our backyard.

When I excitedly told my husband about purchasing the turtle inkwell last night, after hearing the wonderful story about him saving the hatchling this morning, I smiled the biggest smile (inside and out). These happenings are so “auspicious”, for all of us (the baby turtle included). I am not a believer in coincidence. Coincidence is always Spirit being anonymous and deliciously mysterious.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Don’t Be Owned

“That of which we are not aware, owns us.” – James Hollis

James Hollis is a psychoanalyst, author (19 books) and public speaker whose main area of study is middle age in humans (in other words, us). He’s a difficult read. He says it like it is, and it’s not all “warm and fuzzy.” Still, his work is yet another reminder that we are the stewards of our own ships. Use James Hollis’ quote above to do a little soul searching of your own. Make a list of repeating patterns in your life – patterns that you like and patterns that you don’t like. Now, observe closely and really take ownership of your own part in each of these patterns. It doesn’t feel good to do this, especially with the negative patterns. We are a culture that likes to place blame elsewhere, but when we place the blame entirely on someone or something else, we lose agency. We may not be aware of it, but when we place all of the blame on entities outside of us, we are the ones putting our own selves in the ugly, hard, little victim seat in the corner, with nowhere else to go, but to sit and to pout.

Don’t be owned by the “unknown” parts of yourself. Be brave. Explore. You still have a good chunk of your life left to live. Do you want to keep continuing with unconscious patterns that are taking you to the same frustrations and toxicity, again and again? What about all of the good patterns in your life? Explore those, too. Become aware of the thoughts, habits, beliefs and actions that are bringing you to your highest level of living. Freedom is not being owned by anyone or anything. With full conscious awareness, you become free.

“In the second half of life, the questions become: ‘Who, apart from the roles you play, are you? What does the soul ask of you? Do you have the wherewithal to shift course, to deconstruct your painfully achieved identity, risking failure, marginalization and loss of collective approval?’ No small task.” – James Hollis

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

(credit: @woofknight, X)

Okay, this meme really resonated, especially for me on a Monday morning (okay, truthfully this resonates for me, during most of my mornings, but especially on Monday mornings). My brain cells do not seem to be allowing the coffee to permeate. And I’ve already watched a video of a quokka kissing Robert Irwin, made half of my bed, and put part of the laundry into the washer. Now, I guess I’ll circle around and finish up all of the tasks which I have half-started.

Have a great week!! Oh, and did you know that quokkas are considered the happiest animals on the planet?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Welcome to poetry day on the blog. Plato said that “Poetry is nearer to vital truth than history.” Nietzsche said “Poets are shameless with their experiences: They exploit them.” T. S. Eliot said “It is a test that genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood.” What is your truth? How can you exploit what you have experienced into a form of poetry? What are you struggling to understand? Write a poem. You might find an answer. Here is my poem for today:

“The Quest for Knowledge”

We are visiting you at your esteemed institution of learning,

My brilliant, driven, ambitious, beautiful daughter.

There are buildings, and books, and the bustle of ceaseless curiosity,

surrounding us everywhere in this oasis of youth and possibility.

Where will this erudition take you towards your lofty dreams?

I study you closely, pondering these things, quietly to myself.

But then I look up at your carefully crafted picture wall . . .

Beautiful pictures of beautiful people and precious pets,

Your family and your friends all glowing with mutual love and admiration,

The most interesting picture is placed in the center, simple framed words:

“I’ve learned that it’s not what I have in my life, but who I have in my life that counts.”

And this is when I serenely smile to myself, gratefully understanding

that you already know everything that you will ever need to know.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.