In light of all of the painful world’s events that have occurred in just this short time, I think that this wisdom from the Dalai Lama is so correct:
“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” ― Dalai Lama XIV
I hope that you have a reflective, restful day off (if you are fortunate enough to have this Labor Day off) and enter into another fall season, refreshed and hopeful. Over the weekend, a dear friend of mine’s son, tragically lost one of his dearest friends. I wrote to him that every friendship that I have ever had, whether long or short, has affected my life and in essence, has become a part of, and helped to form, who I am, at my very core. So, in essence, those friendships will be with me forever. In that same sense, every tragedy and every triumph that we experience in our lifetimes, also becomes a part of who we are and helps to form us, and to grow us, individually and collectively. Thus, nothing is for naught.
What stinks about hurricanes (besides just about everything) is that they force me to look at the news much more frequently than I ever do, on a daily basis. So, on top of all of the anxiety, prepping for all possible ramifications of Dorian, depressing feelings set in, from reading about yet another tragic shooting and all sorts of other negative news, swirling around on the TV and the internet. However, there was one news story, from a day or so ago, that truly touched my heart and reminded me that people are mostly kind and caring to one another. The world is a mostly good place.
A couple was flying with their young autistic son, who ordinarily loves to fly. Typically, flights have a calming effect on this young man, so his parents were completely mystified when their son got hysterical during take-off during the flight and could not be calmed. The flight attendants warned the parents that the flight could not take off until he was in his seat, but the child was inconsolable. When the flight attendants realized the parents lack of ability to change the situation, they patiently worked with them, sitting with them and allowing the child to sit on his mother’s lap, for take off. Soon, it became evident that the child felt more comfortable lying on the floor of the plane, due to the vibration. So after take off, the people in the first class section, spread a blanket down, so the child could lie on the floor comfortably. A stranger wrote a lovely handwritten note to the mother on a ripped out page of the airline magazine. Here is part of it:
“I commend you for your strength. Do not EVER let anyone make you feel as though you are an inconvenience or a burden. He is a blessing . . . Continue to be superwoman and know you and your family are loved and supported.”
The best part of this story, is that when I chose to write about it today and I did an internet search for it, I found that it was just one of many, many similar stories. One mother put her high-functioning autistic son on an airplane to visit his father with a note to be given to the child’s seat mate, letting him know about his condition, asking the person to be patient and even enclosed 10 dollars for the inconvenience. The kind man sitting next to her 7-year-old son, sent a picture and note back to his mom, saying this:
“(Landon) did ask if we were there yet several times but he was a great travel buddy. We had a good time and played a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors,” Pedraza wrote. “He’s a great kid and you’re a lucky mom.”Pedraza said the $10 “wasn’t necessary” and that he donated it to The Autism Society in honor of Landon.
Both mothers put their stories on social media, and thankfully, these WONDERFUL news stories went viral. Perhaps instead of avoiding the news, like I do these days, I should just be choosier about what I read. There are pages and pages of GOOD news to be read, if you put your mind (and heart) in the right direction.
I’ve mentioned before that I love playing the game 1010! on my phone. It is a grid game, sort of like Tetris, where you are trying to fit the pieces all together, so that when a solid line of ten blocks is formed, it disappears, making more room, for more pieces to be added. The game ends when you cannot fit the various shaped pieces to be played, on to the grid anywhere.
I have come to learn that I am most successful in the game and I tend to get my highest scores, when my focus is on just getting a line to disappear. On the other hand, when I try to make the grid look perfect and set up patterns and I try to make a whole lot of lines disappear at once, is usually, when I set myself up for failure. Invariably, an odd figured shape comes out of nowhere and because I have so many pieces neatly placed on the grid, there is nowhere to put the unexpected shape.
I was a marketing major in college and I have held various sales positions, over the years. “Always be closing!” is something that they preach to you in sales. I repeat that mantra to myself when I am playing 1010!. It reminds me to keep my eye on the goal, racking up points and keeping the grid relatively empty, by making lines disappear, no matter how messily that happens.
It struck me the other day, that life is a lot like this. We get goals in mind, but we get tripped up, thinking exactly how those goals should come about. We want things to be neat, easy and orderly, but that’s not really how a lot of life goes. When we keep our eye on the prize – our goal, we are more open to the different avenues and approaches of how that goal may be attained. We aren’t as easily thrown for a loop, when something unexpected (that dang, hard to place shape) comes our way. When we believe in the goal, we know that there are many possible ways to get to the goal and that forces bigger than us, are helping us along the way. When we keep focused on the desired end result, and we aren’t as worried about how we get to that end, but just hold on to our faith that we will get there, however messy and hard and full of surprises the journey to the goal may end up being, we have a much better likelihood of success. When we hold fast to how we think an objective should be attained, we more easily get stuck and mired in disappointment. We have lost our vision of the goal, because we keep eyeing “the pretty picture” of how we think the goal should come about. When we do that, we have lost our way.
“Failed plans should not be interpreted as a failed vision. Visions don’t change, they are only refined. Plans rarely stay the same, and are scrapped or adjusted as needed. Be stubborn about the vision, but flexible with your plan.”
I typically throw on a pair of sweat pants and my glasses, before taking my daughter to school every morning. As much as I love clothes, I would never win any fashion awards for my morning attire. (my morning coif leaves something to be desired, as well) When I got home the other day, I dropped trou, to get into the shower. When I came out of the shower, I noticed that my sweat pants were in a perfect pile on top of my shoes, as if the person wearing them had instantly disintegrated, right where she was standing. I giggled to myself because lately, how my pants looked, is how I feel about my aging skin. It’s like every morning, I have to start at my ankles and pull up my skin, like a pantsuit or a wet suit. Pretty soon, I’ll need to hold things up with a set of bungee cords or extra strong velcro. (could be an interesting fashion statement)
An alternate thought that I had, when I stared at the funny little sweat pant pile (this just gives you a bird’s eye view into where my weird mind goes to . . . and tends to stay, far too long), is that it was like I had melted, like the Wicked Witch of the West. (right now, my family is all saying to themselves, “You said it . . . not us.”)
I had a lot of free time this weekend, which is a beautiful thing. I actually got to sit out in the sun, and casually flip through my magazines, which have been piling up, like paper bricks, forming the “Wall of the Unread.” It turns out that In Style magazine is 25 years old this year. It was born, the same year that I got married. One of the features of this month’s issue, was interviews with frequent cover girls of In Style. They interviewed celebrity women like Jennifer Anniston, Demi Moore, Jessica Alba, Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson and Meg Ryan, among others. They asked each woman to describe in a few words what she was like when she did her first cover for In Style, versus what she was like now, 25 years down the road. Here are some of the words that the women used to describe how they were in their first cover sessions, in their younger years (1994 – early 2000s):
sweet, naive, curious, hopeful, insecure, prickly, fiery, ambitious, overwhelmed, sassy, hardworking, loving, no idea where it was all headed, surprised, excited, immature, optimistic, flat-stomached, fearful
Here are some of the words these famous women use to describe themselves now:
strong, knowing, excited, dedicated, introspective, quirky, eccentric, happy, smart, independent, thoughtful, generous, more forgiving of myself, less controlling, blessed, centered, focused, content, very strong, always curious, still a nerd, more wise and less sure, very optimistic, humble, grateful, fearless
When I compared the lists, I realized that I have a lot more in common with these celebrity women than I would have ever guessed. All of these years of watching them on the big screen, I guess I always just equated them to the characters that they played, which were often bigger than life superheroes. (literally) It was interesting to see them from a very relate-able, humane view.
As I was reading my magazines, I had put on a cover-up that I haven’t worn in quite some time. The brand of this article of clothing is Gretchen Scott and this is what the company put on all of their tags:
Laugh More, Gripe Less, Ignore Critics, Say Yes, Order Dessert, Love Life
I think what is sweet about being 25 years older (and I believe that the above mentioned celebrity women would probably agree with me, based on their personality trait lists) is that I understand and I apply the wisdom of the Gretchen Scott clothing tag, more than I ever did. Love Life. It’s that simple.
Yesterday we went to one of my “happy places.” This happy place is an absolutely fabulous gourmet Italian market, filled with scrumptious cuisine, lots of kitsch, and a dessert selection worth waiting the half hour, until it is your turn to order. Not everyone is happy here. I overheard one woman talking on her cell phone, “I can’t believe that they brought us to this place. It’s a cluster. It’s insane.”
This market is so fantastic, that it is always filled with people. And the people are such a good microcosm of the entire world. You hear all sorts of languages being spoken. You see every age, every color, every style of fashion that you would see in an international airport or touristy shopping mall. I honestly would come to this precious market for the people watching alone. It takes an army of employees to run the show, including flag waving parking attendants. You definitely have to be in the right mindset before you visit it. At Christmas time, there are so many people in the market, that you kind of have to allow yourself to be pushed around in a mass blob, yelling your orders out to the serious, “no time for nonsense” employees, as you pass the meat section or the pasta section or the gourmet coffee stand, holding your old-fashioned bakery ticker number, high into the air.
Don’t get me started on the sandwiches. Each sandwich runs you around $7 and you will never taste a better combination of fresh bread, insanely fresh vegetables, any kind of protein you can imagine, and sauces that bring it together like no other can, and make the whole mash of it all just sing in harmony. Even though they are huge, I ordered two sandwiches, the hot Italian and the wasabi tuna, because I can never make up my mind which of the two sandwiches is better. I ate half of each for lunch and for dinner. And I went to bed with a smile on my face.
While I was sitting in the center of all of the collective, excited chaos, with our over-filled baskets (yes baskets), waiting for my husband and my daughter to bring us even more goodies and treasures to place into the baskets, I just breathed it all in. There was noisy chatter-y voices, and excited anticipatory expressions on everyone’s faces. Everyone there, no matter their ages, had transformed into their “inner kid in a candy store.” There were spilled drinks, and carts bumping ankles and little kids looking up, wide-eyed, overwhelmingly lost in a sea of legs. There was every scent you could imagine wafting in the air, overwhelmed by the best aromas of rich coffee, mixed with a whiff of fresh baking bread, and warm chocolate chip cookies, rounding it all out. I knew what to expect as we waited in line to just enter the market. I had set my mindset to the right dial of patience and presence, and so there, right in the center of it all, I just basked it all in.
I suppose, in the end, one woman’s insane cluster, is another woman’s cacophonous bundle of joy.
“Here’s to a long life, and a merry one; a quick death, and an easy one; a pretty girl, and an honest one; a stiff whiskey, and another one.” – from Outlander
Outlander is my husband and my new TV series addiction. One of the characters gave this toast, the other night, when we were watching it. I thought that it was a good one to have around for when a good toast is needed. The best part is that I easily found it on several sources the next day when I did a quick search on the internet, in both written and video form. Here’s a few other good ones that I found, in case you need a good toast this Saturday night:
“May you live as long as you like, And have all you like as long as you live.”
“One bottle for four of us, Thank God there’s no more of us!”
“May neighbors respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And heaven accept you.”
“May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, The foresight to know where you are going, And the insight to know when you have gone too far.”
“May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.”
Today I noticed. Not every day that I drive my daughter to school, do I notice. Sometimes my mind is far away, focused on the to-do list for the day or trying to solve “a problem” that I have allowed to grow in my psyche and peppered it with fear and worry. But not today. Today I just noticed. I noticed people of all ages walking beautiful dogs of all varieties, so many that they could make up one of those gorgeous dog coffee table books that I can never seem to resist at Barnes and Noble. I noticed a strange dew covering an overgrown conglomerate of bushes that was actually so eye-catching, that if painted by just the right artist, or photographed by just the right photographer with just the right lens, this botanical mess would be shown to be a breathtaking masterpiece. I noticed that the brightly colored book mailbox, created by earnest Eagle Scouts, at the local church, where we stopped to drop a couple of books, was brimming with donations and I smiled to myself, knowing how many others share my love for reading. Today I noticed the kind eyes of the school police officer as he offered a reassuring smile to every child leaving their cars and I felt thankful, as I prayed for his safety, as he protects our children from dark forces that seem to swarm to the surface more these days. Today I noticed beautiful wild flowers blooming out of the wide mouth of an overworked sewer drain and I remembered that beauty can come out of the foulest of circumstances. Not every day that I drive my daughter to school, do I notice. But today . . . I noticed.
We sold one of our cars yesterday. We had this car for 13 years. We tend to get attached to things, particularly things that are attached to good family memories. We bought this sleek, but safe, quick, but safe, stylish, but safe, modern station wagon when our children were in the age range of 10-2. They used to fight, for the right, to sit in the backwards facing seats, making faces at and engaging with, the drivers behind us, until they started to outgrow the seat. As the kids grew (and boy did they grow!), I moved on to the obligatory Mom’s SUV and my husband commuted to work in the wagon. Finally, it became the main car for our second son, who drove it to many soccer practices and games and proms and summer jobs and beach outings and even back and forth to his university for a couple of years. It became an extension and symbol of him and he even bought a sticker for it, saying Wagonsteez, a monniker that he proudly shared with this car that he loved. Since both of the middle boys are at the same university this year, we no longer had a need for this extra car and at 192,000 miles, it had more than fulfilled its faithful duty to us. It had seen us safely through family trips, through rain, sleet and snow, and all the while being reliable, and safe, with a timeless, classic style that still made it sell-able after all of these years and adventures. We texted our children (with lumps in our throats) that we had sold that wagon last night. My son, “Wagonsteez”, replied only “In My Heart Forever.”
“A car isn’t a classic just because it’s old. To be a classic, a car has to tell us something of its time.” – James May
I started reading a book about menopause. (I realize that I have just lost all of my male readers. I am surprised that I have any male readers, but my macho, cigar smoking, ex-soldier cousin tells me that he is a fan and has quotes from my blog to prove it.) This book that I started reading, is a new-agey kind of book, popular in yoga circles, but apparently it has a lot of good advice on herbal remedies during this stage in a woman’s life. And, I am all about natural remedies.
However, when I first started reading the book, I was more than a little off-put, when the beginning of the book starts telling me to embrace the start of my changing into a “crone.”
What?! Is this some kind of cruel joke?! How evil, at this vulnerable time of my life, at this emotionally volatile stage of my existence, to suggest that I am turning into a crone!!
Here are some definitions of “crone”, I found on-line:
crone/krōn/
an old woman who is thin and ugly.
Crone definition is – a cruel or ugly old woman.
Wikipedia starts out mean, but gets a little nicer, at the end:
“The crone is a character in folklore and fairy tales, an old woman. In some stories, she is disagreeable, malicious, or sinister in manner, often with magical or supernatural associations that can make her either helpful or obstructing. The Crone is also an archetypal figure, a Wise Woman.” Wikipedia
Having matured (obviously, I’m at beginning crone-stage), I didn’t burn the book or even throw it at anyone, or even away. (the herbs must be working) I read further. And then, it all started making more sense and then I did more research, and by the end of it all, I started to almost embrace the term, “crone”. (almost)
In ancient times, the cycles of life, were highly revered and honored. Women’s life cycles were divided into three parts: Maiden, Mother and Crone, creating the “Triple Goddess.” The Crone was often thought to be the wisest, most powerful stage in a woman’s life, and that was very threatening to the “powers that be.” Here is some background from goddess-guide.com:
“In today’s society where we worship youth and beauty, this aspect of the Goddess is the most frightening and misunderstood of the three, as she represents our destruction, decay and death. Traditional societies however, view death as part of a cycle. . . . . In her positive aspect she is often depicted as a Grandmother, a wise woman, or a midwife. The word Crone is derived from the old word for crown, suggesting the wisdom that emanates from the head like a halo. Her own child baring days are past; she is the wisdom keeper, seer and healer and midwife, whose knowledge is sought out to guide others during life’s hardships and transitions. . . . . Unfortunately in the Middle Ages the church feared these wise women and the esteem with which their communities held them. Many of them were killed during the Inquisition and the wise woman of old was relegated to the Wicked Witch and Hag Archetype of our fairy tales. This is a corruption of the original meanings of the word witch and hag which respectively derived from the word wit, denoting wisdom and hagio meaning holy. Today as more woman live longer and take more prominent roles within society the tide is starting to turn as they start to reclaim their power.”
Another source had this to say: “In the days of the matriarchy, and in some matrifocal cultures yet, a woman who has completed her menopausal metamorphosis initiates young men into the ways of love play most pleasing to women. She is honored as the teller of truth and the keeper of peace. She is the tradition keeper and the people’s link to the spirit world.” – Susun Weed
Like anything, how we see any subject, all falls to our own perspectives and viewpoints. I, admittedly, am always a seeker of the positive point of view. If I am headed into “crone-hood”, these definitions are what I think describes a crone the best:
“The Crone is the wise-woman who has crossed the developmental threshold that marks her “a woman unto herself.” The Crone dusts the red dirt of the world from her feet and begins her real soul-centric work. The Crone has grown wise and potent enough to chart an inward course that takes her to the center of the world where she finds her authentic self in total communion with Life. She is then able to bring those gifts back and offer them to those around her.” -TreeSisters
And I’ll end with this:
“The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom that comes from experience. She has lived through love, sorrow, hope, and fear, coming out of it all a wise and confident spirit. Through these experiences she has learned the secrets of life and death and of the mysteries beyond this world. She has tasted death itself and watched those she loved make the journey before her. It is through her mourning that she faces death, grows to understand it, and becomes the gatekeeper between worlds.
The wisdom of the Crone comes only after learning the lessons of non-judgment and compassion. Through these lessons the Crone becomes the balancing scales between light and dark and between life and death. She is selfless, yet she loves herself. She is kind, yet she knows when to be harsh. She is free, she is compassionate, and she is wise. Only the Crone can complete the journey to the Otherworld and birth the Child of Completion.
The Crone is full of power. Her body is no longer fertile, but her mind is sharp and able. She no longer bleeds, keeping her power within her and owning it without shame or fear.” – boundariesarebeautiful.com
