middle age Archives - Page 178 of 206 - Adulting: Second- Half

Hanging or Holding

I am sure that I have written about this before, but it is so striking to me that the first half of adulting seems to be so much about building things up, attaining, creating and while there is still some of that momentum going on in the second half of adulting, a new, greater emphasis seems to be on the “letting go.”

One of my meditations this morning talked about the difference between perseverance (hanging in there) and just holding on. When we are just desperately “holding on”, sometimes we are not letting go of a situation or a person or a lifestyle or a job title, etc., that has long passed its expiration date. That’s not perseverance. This type of holding on can turn to desperation, and an inability to move on with our lives.

Anne Wilson Schaef writes this:

“Perseverance is continuing to work at something for as long as there is value in working at it. Perseverance is being appropriately related to ourselves, the situation, and others involved. It is the commitment to seeing something through to completion and the ability to recognize when the completion has been reached.”

I think a lot of us are really good at the stubborn, “dog-on-a-bone”, toughly hanging on, aspect of perseverance, but the understanding when the time has come to let go, is actually the much harder part for many of us. We have been taught not to be quitters, and to always have hope. But I think sometimes we are confused between the real conclusion to something, versus the happy ending that we are deeply attached to, in our minds. Or, sometimes, coming to an ending of something is difficult for us because it is just our individual time of conclusion, in a particular happening – kind of like the passing of a baton, in a long race. It is hard to comprehend that when we are a part of something, that we won’t necessarily always be the ones to see it through to the end, if there really even is a true ending. We have a hard time seeing ourselves as just one part of a long story or journey or adventure. We fear missing out.

It’s interesting to me that when we are blessed enough to reach the second half of our adulting, a time when we have hopefully gained a lot of experience, and the wisdom that comes from all that experience, life shows us that sometimes the hardest lessons often aren’t about the determination to attain something. The dedication to achieve a worthy experience of living, and the moxie, and the stamina, and the steadfastness it takes to even make it to our second halves, while all very important, has all been building to what is sometimes the biggest challenge of all. The hardest lesson, that which we have prepared for, with all of this spunk and all of this persistence, is really the ability to know when a particular lesson, experience, and/or adventure in life, has been exhausted of all that it was meant to teach us. It has been wrung out and we have to take the exit sign, on to our next, new journey. The upside of this, is that we can transfer our hard-earned perseverance to our new focuses in life. When we allow ourselves to surrender to the conclusion of an old adventure, we realize that the immense relief that we feel, frees up new, vital energy that we can put towards new, exciting adventures, making us feel more alive than ever. And, at this second half stage of the game, we now have the wisdom and confidence of knowing that we have the perseverance to see the new experience through to its end, and we also have the knowing that we have the strength to let “it” go, once that ending has arrived for us.

Love In Motion

My two eldest sons are spending the weekend in NYC together. There is nothing that warms a mother’s heart more than her children choosing to spend time together that has not been forced upon them or scheduled for them. Seeing my sons’ adult relationship bloom and flourish makes me smile as I write this. I hope that their relationship continues to satisfy them both so much, that they continue to choose to share spontaneous adventures throughout their lifetimes. Because who else better can look into the excited, awe-inspired gaze of an adult on an adventure, and purely see a glimpse of the once known, thrilled, beaming child that lives on underneath the adult exterior?

The Face of Friday

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I couldn’t resist this one, guys! I am going to see Once Upon a Time . . . in Hollywood tonight and I am looking forward to some great acting! New readers, there is nothing but surface stuff here on Fridays, at Adulting- Second Half. On Fridays, I pick three of my favorite items, foods, songs, books, etc. and I encourage you to share your favorites in my comments section. Please see previous Friday postings for over a year’s worth of my favorites!

Today’s favorites:

The Original Make Up Eraser – This is a miracle cloth. I have sensitive eyes, so most make-up removers tend to burn my eyes or make them swell. This item is just a cloth that you dampen slightly and it removes your eye make-up in an easy couple of swoops. I am shocked that it works as well and as easily as it does. It is sort of like a slightly shaggy washcloth, that can be thrown in the clothes washer to clean it. Love it!

SouthEndGirlArt (etsy) – I bought a small woodblock piece of artwork from this artist’s adorable collection and I adore it. The artist, Tiffanie Seiler suggests that their small size is perfect for closets or other small spaces. I actually keep mine in my car, so that every time that I get into the car, a beautiful, whimsical, spiritual looking woman smiles at me with the word NAMASTE resting beneath her ethereal presence. The artist has actually licensed her whimsical mermaids and little girls and cute animal images and they have been featured at Trader Joe’s and even on a wine label. Pick out your own one-of-a-kind piece at her etsy store!

Jardinière – I took Latin, so I just learned this word last week. It is the French word for gardener, in its feminine form. I bought a wonderful, old, interesting vintage flower pot adorned with two dragon handles from a cool retro store in the artsy end of town, last week. The tag had this word on it and I thought that it referred to the actual artist or maker, but I was wrong. Jardiniere refers to any fancy variety of pottery used to house plants. There are a lot of collectors of Jardiniere in the world, and I just discovered that I am one of them and that I have been one of them for quite some time. There is nothing more delightful than a beautiful flowering plant, housed in a unique, eye-catching pot – the house that the plant deserves and where it will be happy to flourish and bloom. Don’t just settle for generic terra cotta pots – you and your plants deserve more! Jardiniere it, baby!

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One Year Anniversary

Today is a very special day at Adulting – Second Half. Today is the one year anniversary of this blog. One year ago, I started this blog on a whim (and honestly, probably my way to process some grief). My husband and I had just dropped our eldest son at his first adult apartment, about to embark on his first, real adult job. He was officially off of our payroll, and officially at the beginning of a whole new path for himself, a path in which we would now be mostly bystanders and adoring fans, waving from the sidelines. I realized, particularly in that moment, that I was nearing the end of a major path in my own life. My Adulting – First Half had been on this wide path of child rearing, focused on raising our four children to independence, for a long while now. The path has sometimes been smooth, sometimes rocky, and up and down hills and mountains. The path has been sometimes clear with breath-taking views of gorgeous horizons. The path has sometimes been foggy and the path has even run into some big storms, here and there. Even still, my Adulting – First Half road has been a beautiful, miraculous journey, a path that I have never regretted taking.

My eldest son had reached our united path’s finish line and our three other children, dutifully always following their eldest brother, like “ducks in a row” (as I have always insisted), are nearing that finish line at a clip pace, as well. And therefore, so am I.

I want you to know how grateful I am, to all of you, for your support, your kindness and your validation, as I have dared to take steps into my new path, my Adulting – Second Half path. In some ways, I suspect that this path is a path that will help me to find ways back to parts of myself that I had long forgotten even existed. And that is scary and exciting, all at the same time. The best part of writing this blog, is the realization that as I embark on a new path in life, and probably at lot of little side paths and stop offs along the way, I am not alone. None of us are alone. Thank you for being such a beautiful, comforting reminder of that fact.

With heads held high, and hearts wide open, forward march . . . . . .

Pringle Boy

Yesterday I ran into our local Walgreens drug store, for some chips that my daughter needed, for a party that she was attending, at the summer camp where she volunteers. In front of me in line, was a young father and his adorable two, maybe three-year-old son. The father, it seemed, had just run into the store, quickly, for some batteries. The son lagged behind the father as they headed to the cashier to pay. The little boy saw a can of pizza flavored Pringles right at his level, and he grabbed the can very decidedly. As his dad was paying for the batteries, the little guy assertively put the can of Pringles on the counter (well, actually, the part of the counter that is a little lower, where they keep the plastic bags) with a firm, confident bang. “BAM! We’ll be taking these Pringles, too,” are what his very clear actions seemed to say.

“Do you want to buy those, too?” the cashier hesitantly asked the young father. The little boy smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

“Uh, uh, well, uh, um, sure, why not?” said the Dad and he looked at me, a little sheepishly. I just smiled, knowingly. I had been through that drill many times throughout the years. The little boy confidently grabbed the Pringles can and kissed the top of the lid, as they headed out of the store.

The cashier and I had a fun conversation about what we had just witnessed.

“It usually doesn’t go that way for the kids,” said the cashier. “I’ve honestly never seen a little guy so sure of himself. Usually, the kids are more sneaky and whiny about the whole thing.”

“I’m guessing that if he had been with Mom, that it may have gone the other way,” I giggled and the cashier agreed. When I relayed the event to my husband last night, he said, “The Dad was probably figuring that he’d get to eat at least half the can.”

There really wasn’t anything particularly unusual about this happening. I am not even sure why I am writing about it. Still, the experience sticks with me. I guess that I found it to be cute and nostalgic. I also liked the little boy’s happy, self-assured confidence. In some way, a three-year-old little boy inspired me, a 48-year-old woman, to have a little more swagger. When you go for things that you want with happy pluck and assurance, I think that you get a little more favor towards the outcome that you are wanting. I know that I was secretly rooting for the boy to get his Pringles. And I relished in his triumphant joy, as he kissed the top of the can.

Feeling Friday

Hi Friends!! Happy Friendly Friday!! Yay, Friday is finally here!! On Fridays, at Adulting – Second Half, we keep it Frivolous! Frivolous Friday!! On Fridays, I list three favorite products, services, websites, songs, etc. and I encourage readers to add some favorites to my Comments section, so that we all can have some Friday fun! Please see previous Friday postings for more ideas. Here are this Friday’s Favorites:

Secret Box New York Constellation Earrings – I love these earrings! They take your zodiac sign’s star constellation and make them into a pair of intriguing, mismatched earrings. One side is just the major star (one CZ) and the other side is the rest of the constellation. These are fun and definitely conversation starters. They have constellation necklaces to match, as well. Unique, and can be dressed up or down!

Chanchitos – “In the small village of Pomaire, Chile, it is believed that “chanchitos,” little pigs, bring good luck. Three legged chanchitos are especially fortunate and are traditionally given to friends as a token of goodwill and love.” I found these sweet trinkets at a little souvenier shop recently and I brought one back for me and my kids. My little chanchito is smiling at me right now, as I write my blog. They are inexpensive, cute reminders of just how lucky we all are, just to be breathing and soaking in this miraculous experience called Life. You can find similar ones to what I bought, at Many Hands Gallery, on-line.

Emu Oil – I recently bought some emu oil cream because I was in a climate much more dry and less humid than me and my skin are used to being in. I have used it before, but I forgot just how emollient, and saturating and healing, emu oil really is for our skin, the largest organ of our bodies. One person told me that emu oil healed her sister’s scars after a sledding accident. It is particularly good for sensitive skin. If you have spent a little too much time in the sun lately, you need emu – emu 4 u.

Small Corrections

“When you wait until momentum is well underway before you are aware that you are moving in the direction that you don’t want to go, sometimes the momentum is too strong and so that negative momentum just has to play itself out. But . . . .There is always another opportunity to direct your thoughts and accomplish momentum in the direction of things that you do want.” – Esther Hicks

My daughter got her driver’s license permit earlier this spring. She and my husband (driving lessons have always fallen under my husband’s “list of familial duties”; the experience of our kids learning to drive, wreaks such havoc on my nerves that I am more likely to cause an accident, than to teach the kids to prevent one) will soon be “all-in”, with my husband teaching my daughter the driving skills that she will need to get her safely to where she wants to go. These lessons will get her motor-motor skills to a certain precision level, in which my husband and I won’t have to hold our breaths, every time she drives somewhere, until she comes home. I remember when I learned how to drive, my dad had to keep emphasizing to me, that driving is really a series of “small corrections”, instead of big swerves or trying to change lanes instantly. This lesson came to mind recently, as girlfriends and I were discussing the changes and sometimes tumult, summertime can bring to family life.

By middle age, we all have hopefully matured to a level where we have tried to hone our communication skills. We have learned to be better listeners. We have made the effort to become more self-aware and to find healthy ways to understand and express our needs and concerns while empathizing with the fact that others’ needs and concerns must be considered, as well. But sometimes . . . . sometimes all of that learning, and all of that practicing, and all of that patience, goes flying out the window, and momentum kicks in, and like a horrified spectator, we see ourselves moving into the “no turning back zone”, where we act and react emotionally, forcefully, and sometimes even, slightly out of control.

That’s why it is so key in life to have a circle of friends, with similar lives, who can validate your experience, laugh along with your stories in a knowing way which makes you feel less freakish and alone, and to remind you that you can “bring it back to center”. You can get centered because you have the long practiced skills, and these good friends always remind you, that it is all going to be okay.

Summer, in all of its fabulous-ness, requires a fair amount of adjustment. Schedules change. There is a lot more free time. It’s really, really hot outside. Kids away at school are suddenly home again, but in the habit of living their own rhythms, which are not often on the same circadian rhythms as their parents. If you go at this seasonal adjustment, with small corrections – kind, but assertive reminders of expectations and requests, the adjustment may not be seamless, but it is often painless. However, many times in summertime, with everyone going in many different, random-by-the-day directions, and then all of the sudden, coming together into very close, sweaty quarters, like small summer rental cottages, or cars full of people and luggage, all that pent-up emotion, and unspoken frustration comes out like a long-dormant volcano, and the eruption is shocking to everyone, even to the erupt-or(s). But as the above quote reminds us, once the eruption is over, once the lava has cooled, we have the ability to change the momentum. We can change the momentum to a positive outlook, newly cleared air, and a reminder to make small corrections, so that the momentum does not build to create another Vesuvius-like eruption. One major display of fireworks is good enough, for any particular summer.

Vodka and Mongolian Rocks

I slept in. I’m feeling a little lazy today. There is no great inspiration here, at my end, to provoke any deep thoughts or ideas for myself or for anybody else. I hope that today is just a silly day.

Speaking of silly, when my family and I were on vacation, trying to find a place to eat, we started laughing about restaurants which serve artistic, small morsels of food and how they describe those delicate bites. While I have a deep appreciation for great chefs and their creative endeavors, after hiking all day and burning up thousands of calories, that type of gourmet eatery was not the kind of restaurant that we were looking for, to serve us dinner. We were tired and starving and punchy, so we started laughing at the pretentious way those teeny nibbles are often described. We laughed at how restaurants often describe flavors of food.

“This exquisite lamb nibble is touched with just a hint of rosemary, a suggestion of coriander, an idea of cayenne, a whisper of brandy, a notion of saffron and an impression of tarragon.” Wow, they were able to do all of that in that microscopic kernel of meat topped with a sprig, a z-shaped sauce on the small plate, and an edible flower?!? Culinary chemistry at its best.

I guffawed out loud when my husband added, “Don’t forget that it has an aura of chervil.”

Would you like some vodka with your Mongolian rocks?

(Above picture taken from an article in The Village Voice entitled “Our 10 Most Pretentious Restaurants”)

Winnie’s Wisdom

I watched a tribute Anderson Cooper made to his recently deceased mother, Gloria Vanderbilt. It was very sweet, and very touching. Something that he said about her, really struck me. He said that Gloria was not tough, but she was the strongest person that he knew. I could relate to that statement. I am not tough, but I am strong. And I sometimes think that if you are not a tough person, people can’t imagine that you are strong. Of course, we all have “weak” moments. My sister-in-law, a helicopter pilot, and one of the first women to graduate from West Point (in other words, she’s tough and strong) had to be supported when it was time to stand at her father’s funeral, because she was extremely overcome with emotion. Yet, we often equate being emotional, as being weak. Nonetheless, we all know that it takes a whole lot of strength to really feel and accept and allow your emotions. My guess is that some of us are tough and some of us are not tough. Toughness is a personality trait born out of circumstance and adrenaline and physical strength, many times. However, I think most of us are strong – very strong, much stronger than we realize.

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Proud to be An American

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Happy 4th of July!! I am proudly patriotic. So, is my husband – it is one of the things that I love so much about him. He had our flag flying yesterday. We are both military brats and we both have seen enough of the United States to know that it is a beautiful, beautiful country filled with vibrant, diverse, good people. Sure, we have our differences and our divides, but in the end, we come together to form one of the most dynamic, awe-inspiring, freedom loving, generous, productive nations, history has ever known.

I live in Florida, by the beach. I was just out in Montana, hiking and attending rodeos. Our states’ terrains could not be more different (mountains and rocks versus swamp lands and sand), our style of dress is entirely different (cowboy boots versus flip-flops) our scary animals are unique to our each of our states, but equally as ominous (bears versus alligators), and even our life pace were two different things. (slow and easy, versus crowded and high-charged) Yet, we are all fellow Americans. We all lay claim to the beauty and abundance and unique attributes that both states provide for us all. And that goes for every magnificent state in this great nation. We share a bountiful, breathtakingly beautiful land, filled with generous, creative, individualistic humans and we have created a country – a structure, that supports that generosity, creativity and rugged individualism. I am so grateful to be an American.

Enjoy the fireworks tonight, friends! Try not to tear up when Whitney Houston’s unbeatable rendition of our national anthem is played. Know that even in times of turmoil, frustration and strife, our country stands strong. Our country is great. Our country is a precious gift that deserves our grateful acknowledgment for all that it bestows.