Tag: middle age

Whole Paycheck

They say that you should never go to the grocery store with an empty stomach. I have oft heard this wise wisdom repeated throughout my life and I absolutely believe in its truth, in totality. I actually overheard that proverb said three times over, in a grocery store, just yesterday, as I steered my “filled to the brim, with things toppling over the top of it” cart towards the cashier.

It all started when I realized that we needed more gut shots, beet flavored. Costco got us hooked on this ridiculously expensive juice which is rather awful tasting, but decidedly helpful in the digestion arena. Like many things that Costco has gotten us hooked on, over the years, just when we are at the point of “I can’t ever live without this stuff”, Costco puts up one of its asterisk warning symbols on the price sign, and then quickly discontinues the item, leaving me, the desperate shopper, fumbling, all alone, in the dark, with no direction to go. Costco can be cruel.

Now, to order the said beet shots online, Amazon would charge $25 a bottle because they have to be delivered, cold, in a refrigerated delivery truck. (the beet juice is good, but it isn’t THAT good) So, the closest place that I could find, which regularly stocks 1-3 bottles of this stuff at any given time at a price more reasonable than $25 a bottle, is a local health foods store, similar to a smaller Whole Foods. I mentioned to my husband and to my daughter that I was going to get some more beet juice, if they wanted to ride along. Much to my surprise, both decided to come. It was a beautiful, cool, crisp, fall day and I did have the convertible top down, so I was figuring they just wanted an outing and some fresh air. Nope, not really. It turns out that they were starving. So was I.

Now these types of grocery stores are not the types of stores where people typically “load up”. People typically walk around in these stores with small, eco-friendly, sparsely filled baskets. These stores don’t even have “normal sized” carts. I think that the workers and the shoppers in these types of stores secretly hold the belief that eating is really rather kind of a nasty, gauche thing that you have to do, to stay alive. They all look at each other serenely, knowingly, and with an air of superiority that seems to say, “Yes, we have to eat to stay alive. But WE will only fill our bodies with small, expensive, tasteless nuggets of nothingness to keep ourselves alive and alert for one more day. WE are in the know of the correct ratio of just enough sensible calories to sustain the CORRECT level of alertness. Wink to you, fellow smart, healthy consumer.”

Further, there are absolutely no bargains in these types of stores. There are no BOGOS as far as the eye can see. Sales are gauche in these parts, too. The “Whole Foods/Whole Paycheck” absolutely applies to Whole Foods and to every knock-off store like it. But, since the three of us didn’t bother to fill our tummies before we headed off for a couple of bottles of beet juice, instead we decided that instead of going out for dinner, we would “eat in” last night and our dinner would consist of everything that looked good to all three of us, in every single aisle of the store. By the time that we got home and laid everything out that we had bought, our counter top looked like it was helicoptered in from The Old Country Buffet, minus the chocolate fountain. (but we had at least six different desserts to make up for that loss.) We had managed to buy out the store, of everything they had on the low end of health and the high end of sugar and calories (but hey, it was natural cane sugar – no chemicals). I purposely threw the receipt right into the garbage before giving it another look. I didn’t want to get sick, as my stomach was gorged. Luckily, the beet shot which I just took this morning, has me all straightened out and back to even keel, and in good senses. There will be no more impromptu family trips to ANY type of grocery store, except for right after a large dinner.

Knowing Yourself

“If you spend enough time with people who don’t laugh, you may start to think you’re not funny. Similar errors in judgment could be a takeaway from hanging out with the incurious, unkind and aesthetically oblivious. . . . Remember that the good life always involves people with the qualities we value.” – Holiday Mathis

After dinner last night, my husband and I stopped at an adorable cafe for coffee and dessert. We had time to kill (yes, that’s my excuse for getting dessert) because we had to pick up our daughter from an outing which she was having with her tennis friends. That is the only reason why we stopped at the cafe, despite passing it on the road many times before and saying to each other that “we MUST give that place a try.”

The cafe is European style. It is furnished with modern, sleek, yet comfortable Scandinavian furniture with frosted glass tables that change colors from the encased subtly color changing lights. The atmosphere is unique, relaxing and elegant. The gelato and the sweet, delicate desserts were absolutely scrumptious, and the coffee was divine. The proprietor of the cafe could not have been more gracious, welcoming, and delightful. And we were the only people there.

My husband and I both left the cafe, hoping desperately for the proprietor, that the cafe would stay in business, but we both already had the sinking feeling that we might not get another time to visit the eatery. Its prospects did not seem good. The problem mostly appeared to be with its location. The main street of town is filled with restaurants, breweries and shops. The cafe is on a quiet side street, a little bit out of the way. My husband is the one who thought to give it a try, when I suggested getting some dessert. I had suggested Panera or a local ice cream shop, both frequented by us and others, many times over. The cafe, despite being on my “local bucket list”, never really crossed my mind.

I could turn this blog post into a treatise of shopping “local” or “Flocal”, as we call it in Florida, but that is not really what has been swimming around in my mind, since this experience. More so, I have been thinking about the fact that just because something isn’t being responded to in a big way, or becoming popular by the masses, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not good, or even great. The local Panera and the Tastee Treat (both chain franchises) that I had in mind for dessert, are bland and pedestrian and mediocre, at best, compared to what we experienced at the little Euro Cafe. I do have high hopes that word-of-mouth and the influx of “Snowbirds” coming into our town, will give this cafe the recognition and business that it deserves in the coming months. But I also know that we humans have a tendency to “follow the herd” blindly, when it comes to choices that we make, which makes us so vulnerable and easily swayed by the mass marketers, and the well-backed “influencers” of our time. Thinking outside of the box and then acting on that thinking, takes work, introspection, courage, curiosity and risk, that which we are often too adverse to experiencing. We are quick to follow the paths and the patterns laid out for us by our families, our friends, our institutions, and our society, without giving it much individual thought, that there may be more interesting, resonating paths that are equally viable options to try.

The great talents, gifts and contributions to society from Edgar Allen Poe, Emily Dickinson, Vincent Van Gogh, Franz Kafka, Gregor Mendel and Henry David Thoreau, among many others, were not appreciated until after their deaths. Would any of these brilliant people, who I just listed, whose accomplishments are still shaping our thoughts and our history and our knowledge and our ideas today, stop applying their gifts and their energy and their motivations, to the lives that they lead, with the fore-knowledge that this would be the case? I think not.

I like the idea in the opening quote that the good life involves people, places and things that embody the qualities that we value. Maybe that means slowing down and really pondering each of our choices, even choices as simple as to where to go to get some dessert. Are our choices really reflecting who we believe we are, at our very cores? Are our choices really reflecting what we say we value in life? One of my favorite proverbs is “Actions speak louder than words.” As someone who spends a lot of time playing around with “words”, I understand how easy it can be to start spin doctoring experiences, even to myself. “Walking the talk” takes a whole hell of a lot more courage, insight, and integrity than lying to myself with flowery words, ideas, images and sometimes, even excuses.

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Falalalala, It’s November

I had dinner with friends last night. While walking through the town to get to the restaurant where we were meeting, I noticed Christmas lights everywhere. They were adorning shop windows, street lights, and there were even a few animated Santa Clauses. One building had already changed its spotlights, to bright red and green. (and keep in mind, here in our town, it’s still 85 degrees outside)

My eldest son, who lives outside of New York City, texted a picture of the interior of a NYC German restaurant where he had met his friends for dinner, this past weekend. I’ve attached the picture above. The decorations are decidedly amazingly beautiful. But how long do decadent holiday decorations need to be displayed before “amazingly beautiful” turns into “claustrophobic-ally repellent”? Is it the subconscious Grinch in me, or even more so than ever before, are we going to skip right over Thanksgiving this year, into Christmas-on-steroids?

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Star Wars

My family, friends and regular readers know that I faithfully read my horoscopes every day. Cue in the prayers for my soul, from my more traditionally religious friends, family, and readers. Cue in the sighs for my naivety, from my more intellectual friends, family, and readers. Cue in prayers and sighs and tongue clucking, from the smartest and most religious among them all. Cue in the eye rolls from my kids. Cue in the cute wink from my patient, amused, “totally gets me” husband.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I feel the need to warn you all, that today’s stars forbode angry tempers among all of the signs. There is a Pluto-Mars opposition that only occurs once a year, happening today. According to the stars and the scopes, it is likely to be an edgy, ornery day for all of us. So, my advice is to take a few breaths before you react to anything or anyone. My advice is to respond calmly versus reacting, reaction-ally. My advice for today, is to think before you speak, give others the benefit of the doubt, and protect yourself from undue toxicity.

Now some would argue that this is good advice to heed any day of the week or of the year, for that matter, and I concur. See, my point is proven. Is reading your horoscopes such a bad thing or is it just a reminder, on a daily basis, to be your best self, while also providing an explanation and an excuse, when you are not quite your best self? All bases are covered. You are welcome.

“The only day to watch is Tuesday when Mars squares Pluto, a combustible situation. Friends or team members could be ornery, so sit tight and let this pass.” – My Stars

“Tempers could flare on Tuesday, when warrior Mars forms a combative square (90-degree angle) to controlling, domineering Pluto. Fortunately, this challenging transit only comes around once a year, but when it does, a clash of egos could quickly escalate into an epic showdown. People will be hotheaded and ready to sting, and even the most enlightened among us won’t be able to totally dodge the intensity. If emotions are intensifying, step out for some air instead of getting sucked into the drama. Socially, beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing. That quiet observer could be an undercover competitor with a secret agenda—or not! But since it’s going to be hard to tell near Tuesday, keep your cards closer to your vest. Mars and Pluto are the lusty co-rulers of Scorpio—and in a combustible square, they can stoke passion. Simmering attractions may explode, but they might also get complicated quickly. Rule of thumb? Get a grip before you strip.” – Astrotwins


Morphing

I fear, as I age, that I am becoming more and more “set in my ways”. This is something that I swore to myself, that I would never become. “Set in my ways.” To me, “getting set in my ways” is as ugly a sign of aging, as the ever increasing age spots that appear to be multiplying on my body at an exponential basis. Two age spots have just appeared on my left hand, I noticed, as I just glanced down at my hands, resting on the keyboard.

Daylight Saving Time (there is officially no “s” after Saving, btw) has thrown me for a big old loop. And this is annoying, because this fall end of Daylight Saving Time, is the one part that I used to actually always like, and to look forward to, but now, I notice that this particular Daylight Saving Time has just made me feel grumble-y. I am kind of annoyed that it is now light outside when I drive my daughter to school. I miss the darkness that helped to camouflage my bedhead, my crooked glasses, and my smeared mascara running down the side of my cheek that is typically more wrinkled than the other side of my face because I sleep on my side, much to the chagrin of my perfectionist dermatologist. The mask is off, and all of my morning imperfections are bared for every sneering, judgmental teenager to see.

Since the clocks fell back, everything feels just not quite right. Everything feels just a little “off.” When I was younger, I think that I just rolled with things a little bit better. Or maybe I wasn’t as perceptive. I didn’t notice as much. Maybe life was more of a blur when I was younger. Maybe I wasn’t quite as introspective and self aware back then. I’m almost 50. I’ve accumulated a lot of moments in life. I’ve learned that change is inevitable and I am not really in control of almost anything. I dropped that delusion a while ago. (well, maybe I still hang on to that illusion of control, here and there, but at least I am now aware that I’m delusional)

I had lunch with a good friend of mine the other day. We have known each other for thirty years. Lately our lunches center around the game of, “Is this normal?” Like, for instance, my hips are achy almost every single night, “Is this normal?” And then when she cops to achy hips, too, I feel sorry for her and greatly relieved, all at the same time. I imagine that if I called her up right now, somewhere in the conversation, I would sneak in, “Daylight Saving Time really messes with me more than ever. Is this normal?” And being a good friend, whether she honestly feels this way or not (although I suspect that she does), she would say, “Oh yes. I hope that the Florida legislature abolishes it soon. It really messes with my circadian rhythms, more than ever. I’m a mess.” And then I would smile with her, knowingly and appreciatively.

Yep, those are the kinds of conversations I have now with my friends. “Never Have I Ever” has morphed into “Is This Normal?” so fluidly, that I’m not even sure, exactly, of the precise moment when the game changed. And change irritates me now more than ever. I feel grumble-y, even after a restful weekend, with an extra hour of sleep. Is this normal?

“Oh, my ways are strange ways and new ways and old ways, And deep ways and steep ways and high ways and low, I’m at home and at ease on a track that I know not, And restless and lost on a road that I know.” – Henry Lawson

Satiation

“Happiness is not the same as pleasure. Pleasure is an immediate experience, very transient in nature, that’s enjoyable, and if we experience a great deal of it – there’s a sense of satiation.” –Frederick Lenz

After a delicious, lingering, multi-course meal last night, and an enjoyable cool and crisp walk to our car, feeling the first hints of autumn breaking the ridiculous summer heat that we’ve experienced for what feels like an eternity, and then falling into a deep, dreamy sleep with the understanding that we got a guilt-free bonus hour of pure rest last night, the only thing that I could think of this morning was the word “satiation”. So, I looked up quotes on being satiated.

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May you feel satiated this morning, my dear friends and readers. May you feel satiated with everything that brings you pleasure. Good books to read; good shows to watch; good, warm fur to pet; good slippers to comfort your feet; good family and friends to laugh with; good, hot coffee to warm your inners; good, crusty pastries to pleasure your tongue; good, warm sunshine to bask in; good, interesting sights to see; good, soothing, long, baths with good, clean, sweet smelling soap; good music in your eager, discerning ears, good news in your inbox. May you feel completely, utterly satiated with the goodness of Life. And may you bask in that satiation.

Global Village

My husband and I were married in late October 1994. We honeymooned in the Caribbean and one evening when we were out to dinner, we peered out of the romantic restaurant’s tiny, little block windows and we noticed a strange procession of people headed to the cemetery across the street. The people were carrying lighted candles, and then setting the candles upon the tombstones. These people were wearing terrifying, elaborate costumes with skull make-up. Now, please remember this was 1994. The internet was sparse, slow and sloppy. I had never heard of the Day of the Dead celebrations back then. I was more than a tad intimidated and eager to return back to the assumed safety of our resort.

Today, Day of the Dead is Google’s Doodle. Everyone is familiar with Dia de Muerto. The skull make-up, made particularly famous and prevalent by the artwork of the artist Diego Rivera, is now available on any house hold item you can think of, such as tea towels and salt and pepper shakers, all over the world.

The true meaning of The Day of the Dead (actually a 3,000 year old celebration, first celebrated by the Aztecs, that was evolved, during the Spanish colonization of Mexico, to coincide and blend with the Christian event called All Saints’ Day) is actually quite un-scary, evolved and spiritual. This is how the internet explains the event:

“In Mexican culture, death is viewed as a natural part of the human cycle. Mexicans view it not as a day of sadness but as a day of celebration because their loved ones awake and celebrate with them.”

Tonight my husband and I are going to a tiny, little romantic restaurant to celebrate our anniversary, in a town not far from us. There is a very popular Mexican restaurant down the street from this restaurant, and they have a big Day of the Dead party every year. People of every color, from every background, young and old, happily don elaborate skull make-up and pin roses in their hair and the people march around the town in joyous revelry.

Of course, I don’t fear this experience. It is something that I am now quite familiar with and I find it to be fun and interesting and festive. I’m am looking forward to viewing the artistry, and the pageantry of it all and I respect the meaning that it holds for a lot of people. Knowledge is power, I guess.

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Candy Comes in Handy

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Happy Halloween, friends!!! I remember years ago when I was just a kid, writing for the school newspaper, I decided to write about the history of Halloween. Despite all of the work that I put into the article, (this was before the internet/Wikipedia, I actually had to go to the library to research and spend daunting hours sifting through the card catalog and then, musty books) the article was a dud. Even I don’t remember what it said, or what the history of Halloween really is, because the reality of it all is, nobody cares. Holidays, like Halloween, are whatever anybody wants it to be. Little kids will not just wear their ninja and princess costumes, they will BECOME ninjas and princesses. Staunchly religious people will see Halloween as an evil holiday that serves only to worship the devil, and they will shut themselves off behind tightly closed doors and keep their lights out. Closet stage designers will use Halloween as a time to creatively turn their suburban McMansion into an even more elaborate version of Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Stressed out middle-agers will use Halloween as an excuse to blow off steam, and to eat and to drink, to all excess, hiding their stress behind goofy, all in good fun, costumes. Wiccans will likely incorporate more serious ceremony into the day.

Like all things, Halloween all comes down to the perspectives, and the projections that we put on to it, all coming from our own unique life stories and experiences and teachings. And the funny thing is, each Halloween, every year, may be a little different for each of us, depending our moods, on the age of our kids or grandkids, if we are invited to costume parties, and just our own mindset. No matter how you decide to celebrate or to not celebrate Halloween, I hope that this year’s Halloween exceeds all of our best expectations. (I know that I personally have bought some extra bags of candy this year. Even if we don’t get the big crowd of trick-or-treaters coming to our home that I am hoping for, there are no doubts that the candy will NOT go to waste.)

Partial List

A Partial List of Random Things That I Love:

  • Remembering something that you were looking forward to (like a book release or a TV series drop or something that you had ordered) that you had temporarily forgotten about and getting excited about it all over again.
  • A really, good smooth writing pen – extra bonus if it was a free pen given away at a really cool place or at a memorable event.
  • A really thick, intriguing looking magazine.
  • Unscheduled days full of whimsy.
  • Serendipity.
  • Stories told by little kids, and watching their minds and imaginations churning, as they continue to embellish their stories.
  • Witnessing random acts of kindness.
  • Feeling the sweet relaxation of total surrender.
  • Hitting every green light.
  • My dog, Josie, “helping” me make my bed.
  • Twix bars.
  • The magic, transformative power of sunglasses. (you get a different attitude with every pair, trust me on this)
  • Total trust in your hair stylist.
  • Trick-or-treaters, particularly the ones who really take their costume to a whole new level and “become” the character they are dressed up to be.
  • Rain cancellations that you were secretly hoping for.
  • Laugh lines next to kind eyes.
  • The rare nights that all six members of my family are sleeping peacefully under one roof.
  • Almost all Italian food.
  • Feeling like my digestive system is actually working efficiently and correctly.
  • People who take their jobs seriously.
  • People who dare to start new things, like clubs and companies and events.
  • Guest stars on Saturday Night Live who really give it “their all.”

These are just a few things to came to my mind in less than ten minutes. I dare you to do your own list today. You’ll be amazed at every little thing that holds meaning and happiness for you! Maybe if we were required to come up with one of these love lists with every to-do list that we write, the stuff on the to-do list wouldn’t seem so daunting or banal or meaningless. The love list is more fun to come up with, that’s for sure.

“There are three kinds of people in this world: 1) People who make lists, 2) People who don’t make lists, and 3) People who carve tiny Nativity scenes out of pecan hulls. I’m sorry, there isn’t really a third category; it’s just that a workable list needs a minimum of three items, I feel.” – Mary Roach

My Favorite Story

Dear Children,

I want to tell you a story. I think that you may have heard variations of this story before, but it’s a good story. It’s worth hearing again. Once upon a time, about thirty years ago, an eighteen-year-old girl met a twenty-year-old boy, up on a hill, on the girl’s first weekend, away at college. The attraction between the boy and the girl was instant. There was a fiery pull towards each other from the very start. The relationship was young, so of course, it had its fair share of dramas and petty break-ups and make-ups, as many young relationships, made up of passionate, stubborn, youthful people, often do. But somehow, the Universe knew what it was doing, and it did its part to keep the magnetic pull between these two people, a stronger force than any other kind of force that would ever try to keep them apart. Twenty-five years ago, on this very day, these two young people got married and started out on what would become an amazing shared life adventure, one like they could never have imagined.

Marriages are a co-creation of life with Life. This marriage had many co-creations: the marriage relationship itself, four incredible children, adventures in moving and exploring and vacationing, shared extended family, shared friendships, cozy homes and gardens, shared pets, shared championing of and patience for, each other’s individual personal growth, shared adversity and painful moments, and shared triumphs and glories. That is what marriage is, shared Life. I think what made this particular union so successful and loving for all of these years, was that the boy and the girl (now a man and a woman) understood the most important part of that sharing, that part being a shared devotion and appreciation and understanding of each other’s sacrifices and commitments that make the union a strong, powerful force to be reckoned with. This union is a safe haven for them and for their children, to always be able to come home to, and to rest and to renew in its kind, empowering nourishment. Nothing was more important to the man or to the woman than what they had created together. They understood that about each other and thus, the man and the woman both felt fiercely loved and treasured and honored and cared for, and there is no better feeling in the world, than that feeling. It is everything that these two lovers want for their children and their grandchildren and for the generations to follow them.

This story is still playing out, but I think the moral of the story will remain the same. Believe in love. Live love as an action. Be in awestruck gratitude when you find someone who is willing to give to you every part of their very self, for the rest of their lives. Know that there is no greater gift that they could give to you. Honor and respect and reciprocate that gift. The gift of Love grows and grows when it is nurtured, and that blooming of Love is where the greatest treasure, out of all of Life’s wonderful treasures, is truly found.

I hope that you enjoyed this story, my dear loves. I know that it is my favorite story of all time and for all of eternity.