Tag: middle age

It’s In the Structure

Fortune for the day – “The only wealth is life.” – Henry David Thoreau

Like many people I know, I recently watched the three part Netflix series Killer Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez. It is a fascinating documentary. There is a lot to discuss about the show, to try to understand how a football player with so much talent, ability, fame and fortune, could so easily free fall into becoming a cold-blooded killer. The documentary touches on child abuse, sexual identity issues, drug abuse, brain damage due to concussions, the entitlements which society gives to our super star athletes, and the list goes on and on. Aaron Hernandez seemed to be caught up in the perfect storm of all of these issues, and probably even more problems and factors, that we can’t even begin to fathom. And of course, what is most sad, is that several families and friends are left to mourn their dear loved ones, for the rest of their lives, due to Aaron’s senseless actions.

There are so many issues to consider in the Killer Inside documentary, but there is one thing that has stuck in my mind, more than all of the other points being made in the show. The jailers who brought Aaron to his tiny jail cell claimed that they never had a prisoner take so quickly and easily to being confined than Aaron did. Here was man who came from living the high life in a 7,000 square foot McMansion, to a tiny, 7-by-10-foot, bare, no frills jail cell and he seemed actually relieved to be constrained. He craved the structure and “ease” of jail life, with no distractions to derail him. This is from an article describing conversations he had with his fiance and his mother, while in jail:

My room is very organized,” Hernandez told Shayanna Jenkins, his fiancée and mother of his daughter, Avielle. “I have everything lined up perfect, have my little trash in there. Everything all folded, I always make a nice perfect pillow.”

He added: “It’s actually cozy. I think I enjoy it too much.”

Hernandez even went on and on about prison food, as shown in a transcript from a different conversation:

“So you get two honey buns, right? And you put a layer of peanut butter in between the two honey buns with the icing facing each other,” he told Jenkins in one phone call.

“For breakfast, I got three pancakes, with two sausages — not bad,” Hernandez stated.

Supposedly Hernandez spoke of taking “bird baths” at his small sink and wrapping his jail cell light with a shirt to give it a warm glow.

“Jail doesn’t bother me,” he told his mother in one phone call. “I’ve been the most relaxed and less stressed in jail than I have out of jail.”

What is it about structure that is so stress relieving? I know that our dogs are completely out of sorts, if we miss our nightly three mile walk. Ask any zoologist and they will talk about the importance of regular, reliable routines to keep animals healthy. We are animals, too. One article I read said this about needed structure in our lives:

“Life structures can cut down on the stress of life by helping us to more easily maintain positive habits.

This is important because habits are what drive many of the activities in our lives, whether we realize it or not.” – Elizabeth Scott, verywellmind

So if we have good structures in place in our lives, which promote healthy habits, with enough room and open-mindedness for some flexibility when things go unexpectedly, a little off track, we are likely to experience less stress, overall. I suppose that the trick is to make sure that our structures are really the right ones to help us create a formula of healthy, regular habits, which in totality, equate to good, healthy lives. Who would think that a documentary about an ex-NFL murderer would make me want to examine my own structures, which I have in place in my own life, a little more closely?

“I thrive in structure. I drown in chaos.”
― Anna Kendrick, Scrappy Little Nobody

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An Animal’s Eyes

Fortune for the day: “Work is love made visible.” – Kahlil Gibran

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The TV show, 60 Minutes was particularly good this past Sunday, I thought. The entire show was made out of segments about nature and animals. I lapped it up. (So did our Labrador retriever, Ralphie, as he kept looking behind the TV for the pack of wolves showing on the segment about the Yellowstone National Park wolves) My favorite segment featured Joel Sartore, a photographer for National Geographic who has made it his life’s mission to make a pictorial ark, much like the biblical, Noah’s ark. He spends at least half of each year, going around to zoos and conservancies photographing every species that they have in captivity. Sartore only uses black or white backgrounds and he focuses on the animals’ eyes, so that we can fully empathize with their emotions and their inner beings. During the 60 Minutes segment, one animal which he photographed was the last frog of its kind. Once that particular frog passes, there will be no more of that species, ever again to be found on Earth. Currently, there are 9,844 pictures of species in Joe Sartore’s Photo Ark. He says that it will take him about 25 years to document every species currently in human care. Peruse the miracle of it all, in awe and amazement, at his beautiful website:

https://www.joelsartore.com/photo-ark/

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” –Anatole France

“Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.” –George Eliot

“An animal’s eyes have the power to speak a great language.” –Martin Buber

Intentionally

Fortune for the Day – “What’s old collapses, times change, and new life blossoms in the ruins.” – Johann Von Schiller

The bucket story from yesterday’s blog post, seemed to resonate, so I will add one more thought that really stuck with me from Dr. Christian Conte’s book about anger management. He states that as people, we are more likely to judge ourselves on our intentions and yet, we are more inclined to judge others, by their actions. So, this implies that people are judging us on our actions, because they really aren’t privy to our intentions and they may make incorrect assumptions. Just having this knowledge about how we judge ourselves and others, makes me want to maybe give others a little more of the benefit of the doubt, but to also hold myself a little more accountable for my own actions. Along these lines, I recently copied down this quote into one of my “Things to Ponder and Write About/Inspirations” notebooks. I think that the quote is from Think Smarter on Twitter, but I am honestly not certain:

“Any time you worry that someone is going to judge you, that is really you judging yourself.”

Hmmmmm. Judgment is an uncomfortable subject, so let’s bring this back to intentions. Last year I read that it is more useful to rephrase “New Year’s Resolutions”, to “New Year’s Intentions”. “Intentions” has a more positive, hopeful ring to it, than the demanding, demeaning, judg-y, foreboding tone of the word, “Resolution.” If you are having trouble coming up with New Year’s Intentions, these questions that I cut out of an article from the last issue of Spirituality & Health magazine, I thought were interesting, positive and absolutely thought-provoking:

What’s unfinished for you to give?

What’s unfinished for you to learn?

What’s unfinished for you to experience?

What are you waiting for?

Happy Friday Eve, friends.

Empty Bucket

Fortune for the day – “All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well.” – Dame Julien of Norwich

Recently I flipped through an interesting book by Dr. Christian Conte. Dr. Conte is a renowned anger management specialist who specializes with working with some of the most violent criminals in our country. He tells a lot of parables in his writing. I like that because they are simple and easy to remember. He tells one story of a teacher, who told her students that she was going to give each of them an empty bucket. She asked her students what they would fill their buckets with. They all shouted out things like food or money or even, (and probably most likely), their cell phones. The students asked the teacher what the right answer was to her question and she replied that there was no right answer. She replied that she had no judgment about what they put into their buckets. She just asked them only to agree with this statement, “Whatever you, in fact, put into your bucket, will be in your bucket. Your bucket will be filled with everything that you put into it. Agree?” The students all agreed with a “duh!” sarcastic expression on their faces. The teacher then said to her students, “Your mind is just like your bucket. Whatever you fill it with, that is what is in your mind. Choose carefully what you fill your minds with.”

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All Over the Map

Today’s Fortune: “The soul is here for its own joy.” – Rumi

Today is Monday and I slept horribly last night, for reasons unknown to me. Just as I am all over the map in my actions, flitting from one half-finished chore to another, so goes my thoughts. Therefore this is going to be a “random thoughts, all over the map” day here, at Adulting – Second Half. Here is what is conjuring up in my wild and crazy, and very sleepy mind right now:

First Thought – If I am going to continue to be archaic and insist on using my Barnes and Noble hardback, paper desk diary, as my daily calendar, I must improve my handwriting. My handwriting has become barely legible. Further, I must stop writing “in code.” The reality is, I forget the code that I created almost immediately after I write the crazy, unidentifiable words/symbols/wtf? on my calendar, and I spend hours in puzzlement and bewilderment and anxiety, trying to understand what I am supposed to be doing. I then become my own version of Angela Lansbury, trying to decipher my own sloppily written, and not-so-very clever abbreviations, for the things that I must do in life, in a timely fashion. I must fix this problem. Stat.

Second Thought – I saw this quote on twitter made by a young woman who appears to be in her twenties: “Third wave feminism in not about empowering women, it’s about hating men, yelling in the streets, and on demand abortions. Traditional feminism is empowering. Third wave feminism is embarrassing.” Someone commented on her tweet with this comment: “Third wave feminism hurts women more than men. Men are afraid work with women now, afraid to be in the office with them, afraid to date them. Any man with a career he has worked hard for would be NUTS not to be terrified.”

I have walked this balance beam for a while now, raising both young men and a young woman, in this current divisive climate. I understand that sometimes it is necessary for the pendulum to swing far out in one direction, in order for healthy change to actually happen, but I do hope that it comes back to center soon. I think, as women, when we project anger and hatred and disappointment that we have about some “bad” men, on to every man who we meet and know, we are being completely unfair. Do we do that to other women in our lives, making every woman who we meet, feel bad about being a woman?? If a man is instantly disliked just for being a man, what makes us, as women, so likable and agreeable, to him? If a man’s experience is that every woman who he knows, are man-haters, one can see how he would start to deeply distrust women. Thus, he will project his learned hatred of women on to every woman who he knows. And thus, the cycle of inequality, mistrust and divide continues. I think that it is our responsibility as mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc. to be strong, wise, healthy examples to both young men and to young women, and to raise up strong, confident, kind, capable, loving, self-respecting adults, who can discern for themselves who is toxic (no matter what that person’s sex may be), and to be brave enough and healthy enough to create strong values and boundaries, to protect and honor their own true selves. When they feel solid in self-love, they will share that healthy love and respect with the other men and other women in their lives, who deserve it.

Third Thought – My husband and my eldest son are currently reading the book called Empire of the Summer Moon, at the same time, so that they can discuss it when they are finished. The book is primarily about the history of the Comanche Native American tribe. Now the book sounds a bit too brutal for me to stick my nose into, but it did remind me of this scene from one of my favorite movies of all time. If you have never seen the movie, Hell or Highwater, put it on your watch list. The character development is excellent. It is one of those movies that you think about long, long after you have watched it. Here’s the scene:

Now, I must get back to more half-baked projects and to deciphering what I am really supposed to be doing today, that is, when I can figure out what the chicken scratch on my calendar really says. Have a great week, friends!

Soul Sunday

Fortune for the day: “What seems to be, is, to those to whom it seems to be.” – William Blake

Let’s get to the poetry workshop part of the day! Here’s mine, please put your stream of thoughts, in poetic form, in the Comments section. Thank you, Carla, for joining in last Sunday. I deeply wish that our poetry forum would get more poetic in 2020, so that we have many interesting, thought provoking poems to read and to interpret and to feel and to connect with, on our Soul Sundays, that we share here at Adulting- Second Half. This is firmly a no-judgment zone. I have veto power and I will not allow any hate on my blog forum. Poetry comes from love, from vulnerability, from the deepest understanding of life that sometimes cannot be put into ordinary prose. Poetry does NOT come from fear and hate. Again, here’s my poem for the day:

The Mind

The most outrageous adventures

Most often take place in the far corners of our own mind.

It is fascinating that a place of comfort and reprieve

Can also be a berth of agonizing hell,

In the flip of a switch of an ordinary, random thought.

If a thought is allowed to continue and to grow and to repeat itself,

It becomes a prison cell, a sorceror holding a hypnotist’s ball and chain,

Creating a trance and a falsehood of reality, that overtakes the soul.

If we can stand back with bemusement and detachment,

The mind is often nothing more than a scatterbrained child,

Changing continually, with the winds of whimsy.

Just for fun, it likes to see how far reaching its thoughts can take us,

evoking deep, primitive emotions that stir wild energy,

intense energy, flowing throughout and reaching every cell

of sometimes the entire physical body.

The one thing that the mind doesn’t ever care to be . . . .

is quiet.

Clearing Things Up

Fortune of the Day – There are beautiful and wild forces within us. – St. Francis

Over the winter break, I read Ann Leary’s The Children. It was on sale at Barnes and Noble. I really enjoyed reading Leary’s The Good House, so I looked forward to reading another one of her books. Leary’s characters tend to be very direct, and very matter-of-fact, in the way we sometimes stereotype people from New England, where many of her stories take place. I like that aspect of the characters. Her books are also filled with interesting tidbits and asides, which might be my favorite feature about her writing. For instance, The Good House described, in amusing detail, how to be a fake, yet credible fortune teller and The Children was chock full of ideas on how to commit minor fraud crimes, plus a bonus survival tip. This tip claims that if you can find the star Polaris, at night, and then find a landmark underneath it, you will always know where true North is pointing, even while hiking in the light of day. Now I don’t plan on committing any fraud, but it was kind of vicariously fun, to get into the mind of someone who amuses themselves by committing petty crimes. The best part of the book, is that I feel like I got two-for-one deal while reading it: one, the joy and relaxation of reading interesting fiction and two, a possibly life-saving survival tip, which will come in handy, should I ever agree to going into the Montana wilds again.

An interesting fact about Ann Leary: She is married to the actor Denis Leary. In 2013, during a troubled time in her marriage, she wrote an essay for the New York Times’ Modern Love feature called “Rallying to Keep the Game Alive”. You may have seen this essay depicted on the Amazon Prime video Series, “Modern Love.” Her essay was the one in which Tina Fey plays Ann Leary. Playing tennis with her husband is what brings their marriage back to center. Ann Leary is also a recovering alcoholic and her insight into the mind of an alcoholic is really explored in her book, The Good House. Fascinating stuff.

However, I will finally get to the real reason why I am writing about Leary’s book, The Children (which I found to be a good read, not a fabulous read, but definitely worth my time). I mention this book because the main character is a blogger. The main character is a 20-something/never married/never had children undiagnosed agoraphobic. And guess what the main character’s blog subject is about? She blogs about her adorable, active family and lovely children. Seriously. And Yikes.

Readers, I assure you that I am the REAL DEAL. A lot of my readers are friends and family, and they will verify is that I am just as kooky and wide-openly honest, as I write. I am happily married to my college sweetheart and we do have four adult-ish children and two dogs. I have watched many, many episodes of the TV show Catfish (a show that catches on-line fakers and liars) and while I find that show fascinating, it is not at all, in my DNA to make strange, elaborate lies. That’s why I don’t think that I could ever write fiction. Do I exaggerate and dramatize and use creative license sometimes? Yes. Definitely. Life is more interesting when you dress it up with some flavor, but I am not a liar. I was honestly kind of surprised that Ann Leary, a mother herself, really believes that a never married, never mothered, never had much exposure to many children at all, could really capture in writing, all of the emotion, exhaustion, hilarity, and growth that comes from being a female head of household. I like to think that we women could spot a fraud like that in a second, but then, I guess a lot of the times, we believe what we want to believe. That seems to be a major theme of life these days. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

So now that we’ve cleared that up, I am going to take some baby steps and try to leave the house today, so that I can get more fodder for my blog about my “adorable” family . . . . . .

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

Fortune for the day (getting this out of the way before I forget again) – However long the night, the dawn will break. (African Proverb)

So, as you can see, I’ve made it successfully through my new morning routine for a second day. Today, was not quite as smooth as yesterday. I took my dogs out early, into the dark, dark morning and I managed to step in a large plop of dog caca, while wearing my ginormous Ugg slippers (which are the most wonderful, durable, comfortable slippers in the world, btw). This occurred unbeknownst to me until I managed to walk around a fair portion of my home, spreading the love. So, I had to add mopping and disinfecting the tile floor to my new morning list, the “Must-do These Chores Before Doing Anything Else That Feels Remotely Fun/Interesting/Addicting, etc” list.

I met a new acquaintance the other day and she was asking me about my blog. I said that it is mostly aimed at connecting to/relating with, other middle-aged people, at my stage of life. I meant to say, “It is meant to be read mostly by soon-to-be empty nesters, finding their way to the next thing.” Instead, though, I made a Freudian slip and I called us, “empty nexters” and I thought, “Wow, that is actually the right term. We aren’t actually experiencing empty nesting, we are contemplating the empty – next-thing.” I like that terminology better. We middle-agers have vessels that have been quite full, sometimes over-flowing with responsibilities, duties and obligations. Now, those vessels are slowing seeping out to near empty, so that we can fill them up again, with our “next thing.” I love it!

I’m going to end this blog post with some lyrics to a wonderful country song that came over my iPod when I was taking my daughter to school today. My kids are very frustrated that I still use my old fashioned separate iPod (who’d ever think iPods would become old-fashioned so soon?!?), so my daughter informed me this morning that she changed some of the settings on my iPod, so at least, it would seem like I actually stream my music on Apple Music or Spotify. She said, “See, you like this song, and we haven’t heard it in forever.” She was right. Err, sometimes I hate it when the kids are right. Anyway, it was the perfect song to hear today, after my dog poo fiasco, and me cursing, under my breath, at the guy who blocked the intersection, only to find myself accidentally doing the exact same thing on the way home, during the crazy morning rush hour. So, that’s when I started my well-worn self-flagellation for judging others, and then I started worrying about friends who are unfortunately starting out their new year, in the hospital. Luckily my propensity for singing (and sometimes dancing) along with songs (particularly country songs), stopped my negative thought loop, in its tracks. I decided that this song was worth listening to, again and again, until I felt better and it worked. In fact, I am listening to it right now. Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be alright
Nobody’s gotta worry ’bout nothing
Don’t go hitting that panic button
It ain’t near as bad as you think
Everything’s gonna be alright
Alright, alright

There ain’t no doubt it’s gonna work out
Come on, sing it with me
There ain’t no doubt it’s gonna work out
Come on and sing it with me

Everything’s gonna be alright

By David Lee Murphy and Kenny Chesney

Have a fantastic day, friends!! Everything’s gonna be alright!!

Just Shine

“Is your glass half empty or half full?” asked the mole.

“I think I’m grateful to have a glass,” said the boy.

From The Boy, the mole, the fox, and the Horse

This quote was brought to my mind, when my husband gave me an excellent article from the WSJ, written by Peggy Noonan to read. She talked about a conversation she was having with a great artist on New Year’s Eve. He was asking her if she was optimistic or pessimistic about the upcoming year. She answered this way:

“I will simply think I am here/I am here/I am lucky/I’m alive.”

It is my own spiritual beliefs, that life is mostly just meant to be a grand, awe-inspiring experience. I think that before we got on to this Earth plane, we were just tiny, little sparks of Creation, just begging to give real, tactile, sensual, emotional Life on Earth, a try. We were like shiny, beautiful droplets of Light, in a line full of other droplets of starlight, feeling very excited, very anticipatory, full of wonderment about what our turn on the roller coaster ride on Earth was going to be like. We were jumping up and down, saying, “Pick me! Pick me! Me, next, please! Please! Please!!” Back then, we intuitively understood that it was just going to be a thrill ride – a chance for us to really, fully and truly experience the larger wave of Creation, experiencing the Greatness and infinitely creative versions of Itself, here on Earth. The ride would have its ups and downs, of course. Some parts of it would be scary. Some parts would be exciting. Some parts of the thrilling ride experience would help to give us a better bird’s eye view and perspective of the overall Life experience. Overall though, back then, we knew that it was just a ride, a ride that would be over more quickly than we could ever imagine. Even if the ride was too thrilling, or too overwhelming, we knew, surely and faithfully, that this ride on Earth, would bring us back to a safe end of the adventurous experience, back into the arms of the bigger wave of Oneness, back with all of the other droplets of Love and Light, the ones who we intimately know and love and experience Oneness and wholeness with together. We didn’t have fear when we were just teeny, tiny beautiful droplets of Light (and Love). We only had excitement, and wonderment, and zest for the upcoming creative experience. But then, in our human form, we sometimes forget where we came from, and we take the life experience WAY too seriously. We forget that many, many tiny droplets of light, together, make up the most beautiful, powerful, clean light, shining from the sun, and the moon and the stars. We think that we are separate from the whole, and we grow dim with fear and worry and mistrust and trying to do it/fix it/be it, all alone, just by ourselves, forgetting that this is not possible nor necessary nor wise. Silly us! Perhaps if we could sit back more, and just enjoy the ride, enjoy the experience, be in total awe of what the Oneness of us has created, is creating, and will forever create, we could just let it all go and just shine . . . . .

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Soul Sunday

Sundays are a virtual coffee house, poetry workshop here at Adulting – Second Half. So grab a cup of whatever moves you, and let it flow. Your feelings, your words, your inspirations, whatever comes . . . . please feel comfortable (and excited!) to share your poems in the Comments section. I’m new to poetry, too. This is a no judgment zone. Here’s mine today:

Our Burrow

When all else fails to soothe me,

In your arms, late in the evening or early in the morning,

is my comfort, my peace, my sanctuary.

I want you to feel the current of my love,

Pulsating from something very deep inside the well-spring of my vitality,

Surrounding the form that makes the two of us only One.

One with Oneness, though seemingly quiet and vulnerable,

the robes of our daily defenses completely let down and put aside,

and yet, at this unruffled, untroubled, tranquil time,

We are at our most impenetrable, solid strength.

Our energies merged, the same energies that made our Love and

our loves . . . . our shared creations, experiences, our shared Life.

During these wordless moments with you,

Is when I know Love the most.

(Ooops! I already almost forgot the daily fortune. Here it is:

If one would move the world, one must move oneself. – Socrates)