We Like Each Other

There are a couple of young, famous mommy blog writers who recently announced that they are divorcing their husbands, this summer. This has caused an outrage and a disillusionment with some of their many, many followers. One of the bloggers has actually turned her brand into sort of a “here is the secret formula for creating a perfect marriage/perfect kids/perfect life” if you come to this speaking event, or buy this series of podcasts, or if you pay for this expensive marriage retreat, so I can understand the shock and disappointment among her fans.

We all want the secret formula for life, don’t we? We all hold out hopes that if we just stumble on the exact right steps to take, we will be guaranteed happiness and joy and a problem free life, forever and ever. But at our middle-aged time in life, we are humbled. We get it. There are no guarantees. Life has a way of throwing a lot of curve balls our way – many that we didn’t see coming.

For my marriage, I know that we will be soon be embarking on “the empty nest” stage. I see it in the fast nearing horizon. Our fourth and youngest child, our daughter, is a junior in high school. For most of our married life, we have been a traditional sort of family. My husband has always been the main breadwinner, and I did most of the every day child raising. Lately, I’ve been floundering a little bit. I am headed towards early retirement, where my husband is still following his same, steady career path. I notice that I often feel defensive about how I spend my time (which there is now a whole lot more of, with the kids being more self sufficient than ever) and I also feel nervous, not having as clear a purpose that I felt when I was shaping my children’s lives, on an everyday basis. I don’t feel as assured of my direction these days, and sometimes that makes me feel a little insecure and shaky and floundering. But at the same time, it makes me feel excited, too. My husband’s every day life isn’t filled with as many changes as I am going through, so he just gets to experience the bewilderment/aggravation of having a life partner, who is going through a lot of changes (in her daily routines and in her hormones), and all during a worldwide pandemic. It’s not easy. And there are no books or seminars or weekend retreats, that have a perfect formula for navigating this stage in life, either, because the answers to navigating life stages, are different and unique and complicated, for everybody and every couple. We all have different personalities, and circumstances, and values, and mixes of all of it. Not to dash anyone’s hopes, but singular formulas for perfect lives, do not exist for anyone, at any stage of life. Singular, slick, flashy life formulas are often created by great marketers (even if they do start out with pure, well-meaning intentions), for the ultimate destination of a big pile of money.

That being said, I have started to read Phil Donahue’s/Marlo Thomas’ (who, by the way, have been married themselves to each other for about 40 years) latest book, What Makes a Marriage Last. For the book, they have interviewed forty long term, famous couples in order to find out what makes their marriages work. (Some of these couples include Jimmy and Roslynn Carter, James Carville and Mary Matlin, Elton John and David Furnish, LL Cool J and Simone Smith . . . . believe me, you will recognize all of the names) I’ve just started to read the book. I’m in the first third of the book. It’s so charming. It’s a really fun read. This book reminds me of that last part of When Harry Met Sally, when the sweet couples are sitting on the couches, discussing their own love stories, with twinkles in their eyes. I have noticed many common themes among these couples who Marlo and Phil interviewed. There is a lot of obvious compatibility, mutual respect for each other, a shared love for the families and the lives that they have co-created, etc. Sting and Trudie Styler talk about the importance of good communication and “a pretty intense sexual charge” between the two of them.

My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night. He was watching hockey and I was reading the book, sometimes out loud to him. We laughed knowingly, at some of the things which the couples playfully teased each other about. We talked about some of the aspects that have made our own partnership last so long. We couldn’t articulate everything. We can’t really write it out in a simple, easy formulaic style. We had another enjoyable night together, last night. I think Brooke Adams had a really good answer, when talking about what makes her long marriage to Tony Shalhoub work:

“I think the answer to your question is pretty simple,” she said. “We like each other.”

Sacred Friday

A day of remembrance 9/11 9/11 quotes september 11 quotes september 11th quotes… | Remembrance quotes, Remember quotes, September 11 quotes

As you age, you come to realize that there are certain traumatic moments, and surreal time periods in life, that you will never, ever be able to completely forget. These sensations and memories are particularly amplified when everyone you know has been affected to at least some degree, and is hurting along with you. We are living through one of these types of time periods right now. We were devastatingly scorched by one of those time periods back in September of 2001.

9/11 was a horrible, horrible, horrible day and experience, but we survived it. We will always remember it, but we overcame it. We got temporarily knocked down, but we rose back up. Beside all of the disbelief and horror and pain and shock and loss and soul scorching anger, there was a pure beauty that came out of that day. I never felt more unified with my neighbors and my fellow American citizens, than in the rest of that year, and into the new year of 2002. I never felt prouder of being an American than on those surreal days after 9/11, when we healed our trauma, together. We held our heads up high, in sharp defiance of evil. I remember for days that turned into weeks and then into months, the feeling of unification was everywhere. People were kind to each other. People focused on how akin they felt to each other. People did whatever they could, in order to heal and to memorialize this awfulness, in a most graceful, dignified, sacred, all encompassing way. People from other countries spoke only of our country’s greatness, of our unmatched generosity, of our beacon of hope which we give to everyone all over the world. We put aside our differences, during that painful time, because we knew that to become whole again, for the raw vulnerability to be cleansed and to be healed, that we needed the support of the whole body of our great country.

Today, we will get set back into our grief a little bit again, but let us also remember the utterly amazing, awe-striking unified Phoenix that rose from those lowly ashes. Let that defiant Phoenix of destiny, which rose and soared above all that which was meant to destroy us, be an example and a reminder to all of us, of what we are capable of doing with our current fires and traumas and fears. We owe this to the people who gave up their lives on 9/11, and to the families who still grieve their appalling sudden losses. We owe this to future generations, to give them an example of core strength and hope and the proof that love and respect for each other, is really what conquers all. Our future generations will need a positive example to fall back on, a wisdom to thrive from, when dark days happen again in their lives, and in the history of America. We need each other. Today, as Americans, we all embrace each other in comfort and compassion. Let’s find more strength and power and energy and onus, in today’s embrace. Let’s all look outwards, together, from this embrace into a unified vision of the beautiful country that everyone who has fought for, and who has lost their lives for, believes in. We aren’t where we need to be yet as a country, but we can get there. It won’t be from fighting each other, though. We need each other.

We healed over the acute pain of 9/11. There will always be a sharp ragged scar, which will always hurt to the touch, but we survived it, and then we thrived. We know that we are a country that is capable of great, great things. We’ve proven that to ourselves, and to everybody else, again and again. We rise from the ashes, and we continue to do so, every time that we are called to do it. Let’s try now to give our collective healing from our current pains, some wings of unity, dignity, love, respect, kindness, empathy and hope, and let the rest of it all – the divisiveness, the inequalities, the failure to work together, the closed minds, the focusing on all of the negative without putting major energy towards the solutions – let’s let all of this negativity that is no longer useful to our country’s greater good, just smolder away in the ashes of what does not serve us. We are the people of a great democracy. We decide what matters. We need each other.

(I apologize for not sticking with my traditional Friday format, but honestly, not really. Thank you for understanding.)

Flavorful

“The world needs this right now, we have received thousands of comments from people who say this has come at such a perfect time,” said Klein about the treasure hunt.

Did you read about the founder of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans, giving away one of his Candyman Kitchens, with a golden ticket/Willy Wonka style? How fun! How intriguing and inspiring and heartwarming and charmingly evocative!

Most of us would agree with David Klein, the inventor of Jelly Belly candies, in his statement, “The world needs this right now.” But what is “this” that he is referring to? What is the golden ticket that the world needs right now?

Is it fun? Is it a focus on the light-hearted, happy stuff? Is it excitement? Is it smiling, bright-eyed anticipation? Is it curiosity? Is it wonderment? Is it sweetness? Is it frivolity? Is it sugar-coated happiness? Is it innocence? Is it faith, hope and love?

Whatever “this” is which we all seem to agree that the world needs more of right now, we can try to be a little bit of “this“, today, right now, in our own spaces and our own places. If the world needs more of “this” and we have the ability to give the world more of “this“, why not try? Why not be a golden ticket in our own corners of the world? At the very least, we can be our own little flavorful jelly bellies. (I’ve been working on my jelly belly since quarantine started. It’s coming along nicely.) What flavor are you today? I think that I will be “this” flavor, just for today.

Mt. 2020

340 Best AA quotes images | Aa quotes, Quotes, Recovery quotes

Happy Labor Day. This is the right way to do a Monday, isn’t it? My family just woke up, fully rested and restored. The morning is bright and still and quiet and calm. I saw this meme the other day and I thought to myself, that is exactly what we are doing here in 2020. We have been assigned a whole range of seemingly insurmountable mountain tops. We have reached peaks of anger and frustration, and pinnacles of rage, in so many facets of our society. But on this day that reminds us about just how much we can achieve when we labor together, we realize that we are the chosen people, to move these mountains of fear, and pain, and shame, and anger, and inequalities, and sickness, to the side, in order to clear a path for all of us, to walk into a brighter tomorrow. We are the chosen people of 2020. We know this, because we are here. We are being trusted to move the mountains. Someone knows that we are strong enough, yet have malleable hearts and open, bright minds, in order to see beyond the terrifying heights, to the beautiful valleys that stretch beyond the rocky mountain ranges. As long as we all remember to see it as our sacred task and duty, for all of us to labor against the problems, instead of “us against each other”, we will make it. We will move mountains in 2020. We are the chosen people. It is time we start acting like it.

Soul Sunday

Hi! Sending love to all of my readers and friends. For new readers, Sundays are devoted to poetry. On Sunday, I shared a poem which I have written, or a poem written by a poet that has moved me, often to my core. I ask you to share your poems in my Comments section. Poetry is the bared soul. Poetry is about as real as it gets, and that is why it typically pulls at our strings, even the strings we didn’t know that we have which are daintily and hungrily, hanging from our hearts.

Today’s poem is a rough one. It doesn’t necessarily go with my typical peaceful, glowy, hopeful-toned poems, which I typically post. This poem was not written by me. It was written by Charles Bukowski, who was known to write about the darker and edgier sides of life, in a “nothing left out”, raw, “say it like it is” style. Still, this poem deeply, and completely spoke to me. It took me most of my life to get to this point, which the speaker of the poem is talking about. It took me almost all of my life to lose all of the pretensions, and the suppositions, and the fears and the shames, and “the rules”, and “the shoulds” to just put it all out there. “I had to lose it all, to gain myself,” as the saying the goes.

Friends, whatever your passions are, whatever your craft is, whatever burns the way to the same found path in your life, no matter how much you try to veer from it, that is your purpose. It doesn’t have to mean anything, it doesn’t have to give you fame or attention or money, or even have to be understood by anybody else. That passion, that fire that just won’t be put out, was put inside of you for a reason, so honor it, follow it, and just do it. We don’t have the views that God has, but it is God/Universe/Spirit who is weaving and has already woven what is, and what will always be. The big picture of Love and Life is the beautiful woven tapestry which is already made and perfected, in all of its glory. The sparks which we have inside of each of us, which incline us to do and to be, are our own individual parts, in the shimmering, perfect creation. Don’t live a formula. Live that which bursts forth from you. Live for what resonates within you. Don’t question it. Don’t judge it. Just know it. That which bubbles inside of you, that which is just dying to get out into living motion, is your true essence. That is your real beauty. That is your gift, your spark, the much needed, and co-created addition to the perfect, eternal tapestry of Life. Do what you can do, to take off all of the covers and shades and boxes, and just let that light inside of you, shine, in all of its glory. You, and the world, will be blessed for your actions. And the true tapestry will be closer to being revealed. Remember, You Shine. (and that is an order)

so you want to be a writer?

Charles Bukowski – 1920-1994

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Bless This Mess

This is the state of my writing nook right now:

You can see Ralphie, the Labrador, trying to peek his head up over the rubble, in the right hand corner, like hope of life, peeking out of a war scene. I would like to take the time and space to thank the following creatives for making me feel good about my messy mess. First, a quote from the famed author, Anne Lamott:

“I absolutely don’t buy into the current mania for tidiness and decluttering. For a writer, piles of paper and notes are a fertile field.” – Anne Lamott

And a picture taken of the late, great fashion director, Karl Lagerfeld:

Thank you both, for allowing me the state of rationalizing my messiness, for today.

Rocking It Friday

Good morning, friends and readers!! I was reading another blog the other day and I noticed that the blogger called her readers, “my wonderfuls”! I like that. I think that I am going to borrow that. Happy Friday, my wonderfuls!!! I had another good thought, earlier in the week, as I was gazing at my sagging jowls in the mirror. I thought to myself what is a inexpensive, non-intrusive way to cover up my middle-aged droopy jowls? I figured it out. On good days, smile, and on bad days, stay masked up. See, masks aren’t all bad. New readers, on Fridays, I don’t try to figure out any deep thoughts. I stay on the surface on Fridays to give me and you a break from my overthinking/overwriting about, just about everything. On Fridays, I list three favorite things, songs, apps, websites, food stuff, etc. and I strongly encourage you to list your favorites in my Comments section. Fridays are called Favorite Things Friday, here at Adulting – Second Half. Please check out my previous Friday posts for more favorites to enjoy. Here are my favorites for today:

Putta Tea – I discovered this tea on the Clearance shelf at my local grocery store. Now I know that a lot of people think, “There’s a reason why things are on clearance. Nobody wants them.” But, I disagree. It is more like “Nobody wants them AT THAT PRICE.” Further, sometimes things just need to be highlighted, and that is how I found this most delicious tea. I always check out the clearance rack and that is where I have found some of my most favorite things, Putta Tea being one of them. I have never tasted a more fragrant, delicious, unusual tea from tea bags, in my lifetime. Another plus, is that the boxes in which the tea comes in, are absolutely artistic and gorgeous. So far, I have tried Putta’s “Relax” and Putta’s “Tulsi Clarity” and both were fabulous. I saw that Amazon sells a variety pack of many other Putta Tea flavors. Enjoy! My British friends and family say that a cup of tea fixes everything.

Convertible Mask Chains – Fortunately, I am not one who needs to do much in public, so I have limited mask wearing time, but for those of you who have to wear masks frequently, I saw that they are now selling mask chains (similar to chains that hold your glasses around your neck). This seems like a much more sanitary way to carry around a mask, versus digging through your purse, praying that you still have a clean mask somewhere in there. I saw some pretty mask chains on Stephanie Wolf’s website. (https://stefaniewolf.com/collections/facemasks-and-headbands) And this website has a nice gold one: https://www.camillejewelry.com/products/convertible-oval-chain-necklace-for-masks

What makes the chains convertible is that they turn into necklaces when you don’t need a mask any longer, which hopefully, will be sooner than later. (On that note, I got my Barnes and Noble Desk Diary 2021 calendar delivered yesterday, this calendar being a longtime favorite of mine forever and ever, due to its sturdy, hard cover, big calendar squares and weekly pages. I have kept all of mine on a shelf, dating back to 2008, and you’d be surprised how handy it is to look information up, like when you had health care, or house work done, with phone numbers to boot, when I can read my own handwriting. Anyway, getting the calendar yesterday was exhilarating, like “Hope in a Box!”)

Nancy Meyers Kitchen playlist – I don’t have Spotify, but I have read about how great that this music play list is, more than once, so I just started playing some of the songs from the list, and it is wonderful!! This playlist has songs like La Vien Rose by Louis Armstrong., I’ve Got a Crush on You by Steve Tyrell and I Only Have Eyes for You by The Flamingos. Seriously, this is perfect, soothing background music, for almost any activity. If you have Spotify, start playing this now, you won’t be disappointed!

I’ve mentioned before that I cut out things out of magazines that are inspirational to me, and I tape them to the inside of my calendar covers to look at, here and again, to get rejuvenated and inspired. I saved this cutting from REAL SIMPLE magazine and it is going to get taped into my new 2021 calendar right after I publish my blog post. Have a wonderful weekend, my wonderfuls!!!!

I can’t wait to say, “Bye-bye 2020, don’t let the door hitcha on your way out!!”

Here is an Example

I’ve mentioned it before, but I just have to do it again. Watch Street Food: Latin America (Netflix), if you need a good relaxing, heartwarming, reassuring, resonating show to watch before you go to bed at night. To be clear, I don’t really like to cook. I am not a particularly picky or discriminating eater. I don’t watch The Food Channel. I love to watch Street Food: Latin America for one major reason – the cooks in the show are absolutely passionate about what they do. They love their individual lives, each centered around cooking, and it glows out of their eyes and their whole faces beam and shine. You can’t help but feel warmed and touched by these chefs’ bursting bliss. Their happiness and contentment honestly seems to burst right out of them, like it can’t be contained in their bodies. Just like daily cooking and serving makes these cooks, in the show, buzz with delight, (and like eating their various concoctions does for their customers), I feel a complete and wholesome sensation of well-being, watching “love of life” in action. It is so utterly inspirational and uplifting.

None of the featured chefs in these shows are wealthy. In fact most of them live quite modest lives, and some of them created their shops and their street stalls out of total desperation, needing to save their families from starvation. Still, if you asked me to give you an example of a completely happy, satisfied, and totally alive person, I could quickly pick more than one of these street vendors from this delightful show, as a perfect, shining example. Honestly, it would be easier for me to show you one of these people, than most comfortable American suburbanites whom I know.

This show reminds us that real nourishment comes from living our passions. When we do this, we feed our own souls, and the by-product of being true to our own purposes and to own our selves, is that the souls of many other people are fed, as well. We are all inspired and nourished, by art, and by music, and by brilliant scientific discoveries, and by inventions, and by well-cared for, happy children, and by people who serve simple, delicious delicacies, from their well-loved stalls and carts (and hearts), every single day. We are inspired and comforted and blessed by others who are the embodiment of Love in motion. Love is an action. Our hunger and thirst for life is satiated by what we do, and what others do, all in the name of Love. Life flows so well that way, just like it was designed and intended to do.

30 Cooking Quotes to Inspire Your Inner Chef | BLINQ Blog

Come Alive

(greeting card by Ingrid Goff-Maidoff)

Every day is a new day of a new version of ourselves. The experiences we had over the weekend, our emotional responses to those happenings, and the wisdom we gleaned from both our experiences and our responses, have added a new layer to this energy, we each call “me.” This morning I have curated quotes from my many inspirational quote journals that sort of go along with this same theme. I am sorry that I am not sure who to attribute these quotes to, but I don’t claim any of them as mine. I am just thankful for their inspiration and sagacity.

“You can’t go back and write a new beginning, but you can start from here and write a new ending.”

“I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday.”

“Today is a new day. Begin it well, and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

“When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That is what the storm was all about.”

“When you are a better character in your story, your story gets better.”

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today, I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

“Your past is meant to be a guidepost, not a hitching post.”

“Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you are made to do.”

“I am my only project. Fully embracing this idea gives me so much freedom to do the many things that I have been born to do. Others are in our lives for a reason, but they are not present as our works in progress.”

“Never think of yourself as a self-made person. Thousands of hearts, souls, hopes and hands molded the form that became you.”

“Anything I can go through, I can grow through.”

“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Soul Sunday

Good morning, my beautiful friends and readers. Thank you for coming by. I hope that today finds you to be in a peaceful, restorative place. New readers (and new subscribers – thank you, peek-a-boo, I see all of you and I appreciate you so much!), Sundays are poetry workshop days, here at Adulting- Second Half. Please write a poem today. You don’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to, but I would love to see your poetry in my Comments section. I consider poetry to be a rule-less purge of words. Poetry is the most free form of communication. It is seductive, mysterious, alluring, and pure, all at the same time. Give yourself the gift of a poem today. Just spill it out. You might happily surprise yourself, with what comes out of your heart, in word form. At the very least, you will feel relieved and more clear. Here’s my poem for today:

For Now

Sometimes I feel the onus to save the world,

But the only sharp tool that I have,

That I can use with any proficiency or skill,

Is my pen.

So I pick up my only tool,

And I let what is inside of me,

Flow out of me, through it.

Blindly, recklessly, un-calculated, and fervent,

the words topple out, faster than I can write.

And then, in an awakening, awareness moment,

I realize that I cannot possibly save the world,

No one really can.

But in utilizing my tool,

my pen, the way shower of my words,

I can save myself.

And that is enough,

For now.