Tag: love

Night Seasons

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

There’s a few good things that are interesting to note, when you are going through one of your “night seasons”, as my aunt calls it. First of all, it’s the numbness. My mom used to call this “God’s anesthesia”. Yesterday, after my son’s seizure, while I had a few periods of crying jags and deep sadness, mostly, I was numb. I felt mostly calm and numb, and this was not caused by any kind of chemical outside of my body. When you go through a trauma, usually your merciful body numbs you right up, so that you can handle whatever you need to do. I think that this is a really nice standard feature of our bodies. I deeply appreciate the initial numbness.

Another thing that your night seasons show you, is that there are so many people who love you and who you can lean on. When you have several people in your life who you can call and/or you can text, and you can feel their deep care and empathy, it means the world. I think that I have friends of every religion praying for us right now, and this feels so great. Yesterday, one of my friends told me that her entire Baptist Church’s prayer warriors were “on it”, and another one of my more “new age” friends told me that she believes that people with epilepsy are getting downloads from God which the rest of us just can’t handle. She told me that my son is probably one of the most enlightened people on Earth. I don’t know if this is true, but all of the prayers and the insights brought me comfort. All of them did. God has many channels. Don’t ever be afraid of saying “the wrong thing” to someone who is hurting. I can always tell true care, over indifferent judgment and arrogance, and that’s never in the words being said. Ignorance being delivered with love, can be cleansed down to just the “love” part. Always err on the side of reaching out. I appreciate all of the love and the prayers from everyone, including my beloved readers of this blog. It sustains me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The final insight about your night seasons, is that you get the reminder that people are mostly kind. Most people don’t want to witness other people’s pain. We had so much kindness bestowed on us yesterday, by perfect strangers, as we often do, when my son has a seizure in public. People want to help. People want to show you that they care. It’s traumatizing to witness a seizure, but people seem to overcome their fears, to act with deep concern and warmth and tenderness. Did I ever mention that EMT people are some of my favorite people on this Earth? They always make my son feel so good, and just like he is one of the “regular guys.” Yesterday, the EMTs got a good laugh with my son, when they reminded him that when my son was first coming out of his seizure, and they asked him who is president, in his hazy confusion, he said, “Lamar Jackson” (who is the quarterback for the Ravens). They all, including my son, got a big giggle out of that one. The EMTs made my son feel like he is a real stud (because he’s a big gym rat, who also attends a prestigious university), just when my son needed it most. These simple, empathic kindnesses are noticed by me, always. Always.

When you are in your night seasons, numbness, your own spirituality (and a big helping of others’ spirituality), and the overall kindness of strangers is what gets you through to the sunshine right around the bend. God has many channels. Yourself, your loved ones, and often perfect strangers, are the passageways, which God uses to get you safely to where the sun rises again. We are in good hands – our own hands, the loving hands of our friends and family, and the kind, empathic hands of strangers, which all come together to form the biggest hands of all. And these Big Hands are firmly and securely holding all of us with Love. This I know.

Heart to Heart

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Today I am sending you a hug. And it is not a quick, little reminder that I love you, like the cute little “o” attached to the “x”, in a fleeting text, unless that is really what you would prefer. This is the kind of hug that is full of acceptance. This hug is a careful recipe full of “I know”, “I understand”, “It’s okay”, “You are not bad”, “You are not lost”, “I can help hold you while you feel your feelings, and then I keep holding you, as you release your feelings and let them pass on by”, “You are stronger than you know”, “You will survive and you will even thrive,” “You are doing great”, “You are more loveable than you could ever fathom”, “I see you”, “We are in this together”, “This too shall pass”, “Just breathe,” and all of this is held together by an extremely strong substance called Love.

One of the great things about being a 50-year-old woman is that my hugs pack a lot of punch. My hugs have a lot of experience and lessons and perspective, and also a curious mix of powerful strength and yet also gentle humility, built right into them. The recipe for my hugs has been simple-d down to the mostly “tried and true.” Did you ever get hugged by an 80-year-old woman? Your grandmother, perhaps? Let me tell you, those hugs are the real magic elixir. Those hugs will heal what ails you, for weeks and weeks to come.

Hugs bring hearts into extremely close proximity. Hugs help to transfer some of the deepest love and wisdom planted in one heart, into the other heart, all of the while reminding the receiving heart that all that it needs to keep on steadily beating, is already readily available and ever-replenishing, from its deepest depths. Hugs are like gentle, natural defibrillators.

Please pass on my hug today. Someone in your life needs one, no doubt. Don’t be afraid to offer a hug to a loved one, a friend, your dog, yourself. Soak it in. It’s good medicine . . . . I know . . . . I understand . . . . It’s okay . . . . I love you.

So here’s your hug: o

Or if you need more, here’s your hug: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pass it on.

Selfish

“When they say, “Be yourself,” which self do they mean? Certainly not the self that wants to win every game and use up every resource and think of nobody’s needs except your own.

So when they say, “Be yourself,” which self are they referring to? Here’s what I think: It’s the self that says “Thank you!” to the wild irises and the windy rain and the people who grow your food. It’s the creator who’s working to make the whole universe your home and sanctuary. It’s the lover who longs to express your love of life everywhere you go.” – Rob Brezsny

I love that quote by Rob Brezsny. I guess that when we say “Be yourself”, to ourselves and to others, what we are really meaning is, “Be your Highest Self.” (and I am not referring to any substance use here 😉 ) When Rob talks about someone who “think(s) of nobody’s needs except your own,” it’s so easy to curl up our lips in disgust and think, “selfish, selfish, selfish”, because we are thinking about this in the context of sharing food, and resources, and medicine, and volunteer time, etc. But there are other tricky times when we think that we are being loving and altruistic, when really, what we are more focused on, is our own needs and comforts, and we put that heavy burden on to others. I am talking about emotional selfishness.

I think that most of us would say that our biggest treasures in life are our families and our friends. We can’t bear the idea of losing those whom we love. We want nothing more than their happiness and their peace of mind. Most of us, by middle age, have suffered losses of people whom we love dearly, and we become extremely fearful of having to go through that depressing, painful experience again. So sadly, sometimes we project those fears of loss on to the people whom we love the most, in the guise of needing them to be happy and content and healthy, all of the time, for our own comfort and relief and security. Now these people love us deeply, too, so they want us to be happy and comfortable and fearless, so they feel the need to protect us from our own fears. And so these people pretend that they are always happy and content and fearless, so that we won’t worry about them. You can see what a vicious, ugly cycle this becomes. And when we aren’t being real and authentic with each other, the relationship becomes distant and false. We become isolated from each other, in the very relationships that mean the most to us. In a sense, we lose the real relationship, even with people who are still alive and with us. Our fears become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Worry does not equal love. Putting on a false front does not equal intimacy. It’s okay, not to be okay, all of the time. Unconditional love recognizes that fact. Unconditional love can hold space for anything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Do you think that our Creator worries about us? Do you think that our Creator needs any of us to be anything different than what we are, right in this moment? I don’t. I believe that we are loved by our Creator in whatever mood we are in. I believe that we are loved by our Creator no matter what we have done, how we have felt, and what we will do and feel, forevermore. Our Creator doesn’t worry about us. Our Creator doesn’t need us to be anything other that what we are right in this moment. Soak that in. Our Creator holds space for us, always. Our Creator is within us. Our Creator is our Highest Self. We have the capability within us, to hold space, and to unconditionally love ourselves and all others. And when we are in that state of pure and unconditional love, we are fearless. Love is fearless. We are loved. We are Love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Important to Repeat

Friends, I woke up this morning with a bad cold, which is utterly shocking. With all of this mask wearing and social distancing, I can’t tell you the last time that I have had a cold. I almost forgot what it feels like to be sick. For reminder’s sake, it’s yucky.

Also, this morning I woke up to the sad news that one of my favorite people/pups on Twitter, Rex Masters, lost his beloved sister to her death this morning. My heart aches for him, and I have never met, nor conversed with the man, in my life. I feel like Rex might be out there on my blog space, or a fellow fan of his might be out there because I wrote a blog post about him one time, over a year ago, and today somebody looked at it. Rex, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Here is the post that I wrote about Rex Masters, a while ago:

Me and Dog Named Rex
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Shared Loves

I saw this on Think Smarter (Twitter) today. I smiled. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my husband just the other day. We were sitting on the couch with our daughter, and of course, all three dogs decided that they should be close by, too. So there was the three of us, and all three of our canines, all squished together in one small space, of an entire house. We liked our shared energy, I guess.

Looking over at our daughter, and Trip, our spaniel, all cuddled up to my husband, I said to my husband that I think that a big part of every love story is your shared loves. A huge part of any close relationship (family, friends, lovers, etc.) is that you share a deep love and appreciation, for a lot of the same people, places, pets, homes, plants, neighborhood spots, schools, spiritual houses, restaurants, teams, vacation spots, activities etc. You share a profound love for a lot of the same memories. And it’s these two individual loves that are co-mingled to form this very strong and protective cloud of love, over you, and over the object(s) of your shared love.

When we were on vacation, all four of our mostly grown children were blessedly with us. Sometimes they would get into “teasing mode” and they would start laughing about little bedtime songs which I had sung to them when they were young, or goofy things that my husband and I said to get them “into line.” Not in a morose way (moreso in a reassured, peaceful way), when they were doing this, I thought to myself, “When I pass on, these are the things that they will laugh about together, when they are old and grey. These are the memories that will keep them intimately connected.” The great truth is that all four of my children all love, and yet, are also deeply, deeply loved, by the same mother. We all share a big, big love. And that love is extended with their father, and with each other, and with our shared family and friends, and with the houses we have lived in together, and with the pets who have shared our lives, and with the adventures we have shared together. This is how Love connects everything.

I love the Earth and creation. I know that you love the Earth and creation. This is how I know that we are all covered by a beautiful protective cloud of love, together, all around this Earth. We share a fathomless love for the miracle of life, and we are all loved by that same immeasurable force of Love. Sometimes I sit with this thought for a few minutes, and I just sigh into the peace of that thought, and I try to keep that wise, knowing peacefulness with me, all day long. Love’s got us covered.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday, you look Great!

Image

Good morning friends! Today is my favorite day of the week and typically on “Favorite Things Friday” I list three favorite things or songs or books or movies, etc. that make the tactile world we live in, so much fun. My process is this: when I revel in a “favorite”, I run to my Barnes and Noble Desk Diary calendar (a previous, and still all-time favorite) and I scribble that particular favorite anything, on my nice large Friday space. Unfortunately, today’s space is filled with plenty of “to do” stuff, but alas, no favorites. This morning, I was lamenting this with my husband, scrambling to find “favorites” and asking him to brainstorm with me. My husband reminded me that I treasure my authentic connection with my readers, so I can’t be fake, and pretend to love and to adore anything that I have barely tried. So, today, I have no favorites to share. Please forgive me. As I have mentioned, I am in the midst of a three week period, crammed with “big ‘stuff’, events, celebrations, concerns, etc.” that in an ideal world, would be spread out a little more evenly throughout the year. It’s like having too much salt on one part of your meal. That salt tastes better when it is evenly spread, but such is life, sometimes! I’m rolling with it, and I’m trying to stay in the moment.

The other night, I was returning 18,000+ HomeGoods decorative items (only a slight exaggeration), because we are in the middle of changing around our bedrooms and as we all know, what looks good in the store, doesn’t necessarily translate at home. In trying to appease the understandably exasperated sales clerk, I started listing all of the things which we have going on in our family life (which precipitates me having to get my rooms in order, in a big hurry), all happening in this short time period. As I was doing this, I was incredibly annoyed with myself. It’s so lame to do this. The clerk isn’t going to remember any of that stuff, which has nothing to do with her, and frankly, she doesn’t care. Nor should she care. Yada yada yada. But I kept on rattling on and on. Eww. Yuck. I don’t owe the clerk an explanation. She doesn’t owe me anything but courteousness. So much nervous energy happening, as I spout out loud, what my frenzied, and emotionally charged calendar events look like throughout the rest of this month. But you know what? We were both wearing masks, but we caught each other’s eyes and our eyes smiled, knowingly and warmly, at each other. We got it. Two middle-aged women who have been around the block a few times, gave to each other, in just that one look, the feeling of understanding, humor, empathy and reassurance. That, my friends, is the beauty of our shared humanity. And that shared humanity will always, always be a favorite of mine. I revel in it! Have a great weekend!!!

Image

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

And Then, My Response

“We can be good at approaching life with perspective. My husband says that ninety percent of what is beautiful, meaningful, and useful in the world is visible in a ten-minute walk. I love this, but it does not always ring true with my PhD in morbid reflection.” – Anne Lamott

I think that I may actually be Anne Lamott, and her husband, all wrapped up in one.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

In Florida, winter is actually the easier, more temperate weather season. Summers can be brutal. It really does all come down to perspective, doesn’t it?

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough. You don’t need to photograph, paint, or even remember it. It is enough.” – Toni Morrison

My photographs, artwork and short-term memory are all sorely lacking. This is an easy sell for me, Toni.

“Mom, Thank you for always being there for me whenever I need support or guidance. As I am about to leave the nest, it is nice to know that I can always count on you. (That particular period, ending the previous sentence is heavily bolded and accentuated. The phrase “for advice” follows this period, but the “for advice” part was decidedly and emphatically crossed out.) I feel very lucky to have you as my mother! Thanks for giving me my wings.” – my eldest son

I found the above quote, while cleaning out our office closet this past weekend. Needless to say, it was the highlight of the weekend, for me!! This quote was found in the middle of an old, used up notebook that belonged to my eldest son, filled with college graduation to-do lists, and trainee notes from his new job. My guess is that my son had been practicing writing me a card or a note?! I may have even gotten “said card” a few years ago, when my eldest son first left home for his new adult life, but it fully touched my heart to find his words, and to read the note again (and again and again and again). The Universe sends us exactly what we need, all of the time, if we really pay attention. Look for the signs. They are all around us, all of the time.

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

I’m doing my best to pass on love. Passing on my pain, isn’t very pretty. It usually involves yelling, spewing nasty words, and doing these terrible actions while sitting firmly in my Imperial Victim Chair.

Under the Carpet

I think that a big thing about what is happening this year, is that so, so many things which we all have pushed away and swept under the pretty, little carpet, are springing out of the corners, left and right. Literally and figuratively. The carpet isn’t big enough anymore, to keep the ugly reality about some unpleasant things which we have all co-created, tamped down. The elephants in the room are charging at us, in a large herd, all at once, and we can’t help but to start talking about them, because they aren’t happy or satisfied about being ignored anymore. The elephants in the room are tired of being polite. We are all at “our pitchers are full” moments, in so many facets of our lives. There isn’t room for anything more to be held in, until we spill some of what we have been desperately containing inside of us, in order to get some relief. And this seems to be a universal thing, not just relegated to a particular race or religion or country or political party or sexual identity. We all have held too much in, for much too long, and Someone pressed the release valve. And it’s scary and it is overwhelming and it’s terrifying and we don’t know where it leads us. Still, it is necessary. In the end, it is this release that will open a cleared path, which will lead us to truth and to healing and to authenticity and to acceptance and ultimately, to the universal destination of Love.

I know that just in the little microcosm of my own family, it is painful to address our private little elephant issues. It is excruciating and fearful to lift off the dark cover of the pleasant familial rug, where a lot of feelings, and misunderstandings, and resentments, and anger, and frustration, gets swept under, and away. We often do everything that we can to avoid lifting the rug. Like my middle son says, “Oh no, we are not about to have one of those emotional family moments, are we? I hate those!” And we all agree with him. We like to stay on top of the rug, where things feel pleasant, and safe and contained and well behaved. Still when any of us in my family, either musters up the courage, or some kind of outside trigger lets the overwhelming, underlying emotions take the wheel, we are forced to pick up the rug and to really examine, and to clean, and to release, what is underneath it, if we want to remain an authentically close, and healthy family. Inevitably, even after some ferocious spewing and crying and screaming and emoting, and whimpering, and divulging, and humbling, we always feel better. Real always feels better than pretend because even though it isn’t always pretty, you can believe in “real”. Pretend is fake, and it is a poor substitute for real.

It’s only when we admit that we have a problem, that anything can ever really be done about it. We don’t always have all the right answers to solve everything that was unearthed, right in that present moment, but we aren’t dancing around and tiptoeing around, and trying to contain a growing, grumbling, sleeping giant anymore. And the relief is palpable. The anxiety and the fear that we had built up as a family, about facing and revealing the truths about our fears, and our hurts, and our broken parts, our disagreements, and our shame, and our loss for answers, is often much worse than actually dealing with the truth of our own humanity and our own vulnerability. And what we find, after the initial loud, overwhelming stampede of the ignored elephants in the room, and we all come to a quiet, whimpering, worn out, released state, is that at the core of it all, we are mostly the same, and we just love each other completely. We all just want the best for ourselves and for each other, and it hurts to hurt, and it hurts to see those who we love hurt, and we want a magic wand to fix it all. And in those curled up, raw moments when all of the elephants have been acknowledged and all of the dust-up has been exposed, is when we feel the most uncomfortable and vulnerable and unguarded. But let’s not forget, it is in these moments that the real magic can begin. The starting line has been revealed. All Life begins as a naked, fragile baby. After the greatly feared giant under the carpet, is unveiled, he is not so fearsome anymore. He is surmountable because we have looked him in the eye and we are draped in each other’s arms, staring him down, and he often disappears under the eyes of Love. Because the giant under the carpet has been exposed, and the giant is no longer unacknowledged, we quickly come to the realization that bigger than any of our problems, or our mistakes, or our individual and collective pains, is our Love for each other, and our desire for the best for all of us, as individuals and as a unit. It is in our most open, humbled moments, when we have no other choice than to love each other, and to sink into our collective embrace, admitting that we need help, that the real, cleansing miracles start to happen, in ways that we could never have imagined.

I believe this is exactly what is happening in the world right now. We are just in the ugly, scary stage of the uproarious, furious, pent-up release, which we all work so hard to avoid. We have lifted the carpet, and we have acknowledged the many elephants in the room. We have stopped pretending our perfection. And when all quiets down again, and we are all quivering, humbled, yet open to possibilities, the real miracles will be brought to light, and the world will move towards being authentically whole and healed and cleansed and shimmering in the material that makes it . . . . .Love. And if we can get honest with ourselves, in the end, that is all that any of us really want. Love.

Path of Least Resistance

When life gives you a crazy ride with a pandemic, make jeeps!

I loved reading this news story about teachers who are trying to make this school year a little less scary and a little more fun for their students. At the “meet the teacher” event at the elementary school pictured above, the teachers handed their students “keys” to their individual cars. What a gift teachers are to this world! Today, my daughter starts her junior year of high school, in her bedroom. I am so thankful to her teachers, who are doing their best to make this hybrid “in-person/online” classroom situation work out for everyone, the best that they can, on a daily basis.

I’ve been reflecting on the idea that it is the shared love that we have for things, and people and places and passions, in our lives that really connects us. Think of what a unifying feeling it is, to share love for the same people, the same team, the same country, the same pets, the same state, the same school, the same hobby, the same favorite musician or band, the same ideals, the same religion, the same books, the same home, the same beach, the same profession, the same car, the same food, the same restaurant . . . . It is so refreshing and happily reflective to find people who share in our loves. It multiplies our joy.

Love really is the connector that lifts us, and sustains us, and gets us through our journey of life. And just because we feel a special connection to the people who love a lot of the same things that we do, we can still have a respect and a happiness that other people get zeal and joy from the things and the people and the places and the passions, which speak to them. We don’t have to convert others to our loves. We can just feel gratefulness that other people have found their own loves and their own passions, because the bottom line of it all, is that if we stay in our own lanes, there is no traffic. (I read that quote on Twitter recently and it has become my much-needed daily reminder mantra, as a well-intentioned, but highly overprotective woman/mother/wife/friend/family member during these strange and ambiguous times.)

If we are all riding on the easy street of flowing with our own loves, and our own passions, and our own inspirations, and our own well-being, and we are all living in the faith and the trust that others are capable of doing the same for themselves, and that there are enough pathways for all of us in this world, traffic jams and accidents and mass casualties, are a lot less likely to happen. If we trust that we can find what sustains us, and allow others to do the same for themselves, love flows. I think that life is meant to flow along the easy, light, beautiful, nourishing, sustaining energy of Love. It’s certainly the path of least resistance. And the path of Love is always wide open.

Your Person

“You are the most perfect you, there is” – Meraki (Etsy)

Think of the most wonderful person in the world, to you (or your pet or your family group or your friend group, or your God, just think of the most meaningful relationship(s) of love to you, that you have in your life). Think about how much you love that person, you admire that person, you care for that person, you treasure that person, you feel gratitude for that person, you feel beyond lucky beyond belief, to have that person in your life. Feel all of those wonderful feelings that just the thought of that person brings into your heart. Feel how much you light up around that person. Feel how secure and comforted you feel around that person. Think about all of the kind things that you do for that person to take care of that person and show them how much you love them. Think of all of the lovely things you have said to that person, all of the lovely things that you have done for that person, how much you consider the thoughts and actions and feelings of that person. Think of all of the kind things that you say to that person, to uplift them and to cheer them up when they are down. Think about all of the wonderful things and experiences and happiness that you want for that person. Think about how much time and energy and thought, you put into that person. Your person(s). Your familia. Your heart.

Now, just for today, try letting “your person”, be you. Today, “your person” is yourself. Treat yourself to all of the love and admiration and care and adoration and gratitude and pride and comfort, that you typically feel and give to “your person.” Realize, the true and amazing fact, that all of the love and admiration and care and adoration and gratitude and pride and comfort that you give to others, doesn’t go away when you give the same to yourself. No, in fact, all of this wonderfulness, will be amplified because you won’t be needy or full of expectations or full of resentments towards others in your life. You will be satiated with the love which you are craving, the love which you are often trying to get outside of yourself. If today, you allow yourself to be “your person”, you will find that you are so full of love and peace, that these feelings can’t help but to over-spill on to everyone you meet.

Just for today, just for experiment’s sake, allow yourself to be “your person.” When you catch yourself being mean or neglectful or judg-y or demanding or demeaning to yourself, apologize immediately – just as you would do for your “your person” when you have hurt them. Then do something nice for yourself, for reparations – just as you would do for “your person.” Compliment yourself. Thank yourself. When you make a choice or decision today, ask yourself if this choice is one that you would make for “your person,” with their best interests at heart. When you feel yourself in need of advice, ask yourself what advice you would give to “your person” in this situation? When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, just as you would do for “your person”. Don’t admonish yourself, endlessly. Help yourself to do better, as you would do for “your person” . When you feel yourself feeling scared or down or lonely or sad or angry, cheer yourself up, like you would do for “your person.” Empathize with yourself. Don’t dismiss your feelings. Be kind to yourself just like you are kind to “your person.” Let yourself feel and visualize holding yourself, just as you would do for “your person.” Protect yourself, like you would protect “your person”, from cruel people and negative places and experiences.

Today, be real with yourself. Be authentic. Be as you are. You know that you love “your person” authentically, “flaws” and all, because the totality of “your person” and the intimate knowledge of that totality, is what makes you so close to “your person.” You know and accept “your person” like no one else does. Today, be that “knower” of yourself, and accept yourself completely and totally. Give yourself this great gift. If “your person”, asked you for this genuine love and acceptance, you would say, “Honey, you had me at hello. The gift is already yours.” Give yourself the pure and freely given gift of total love and acceptance that you give to “your person”, just for today.

Try this experiment, just for today. What have you got to lose? Today “your person” is you. I think that maybe if all of us did this experiment a little bit more and a little bit more, we’d be surprised about how much better our lives would get, individually, and collectively. Love is infinite. Love has infinite supply. Love is. Why would we deny something for ourselves, that by its very definition is infinite? We have put up the barriers, we have closed the doors, and we have created the false conditions. Love hasn’t done any of that. Love just waits patiently, surrounding us, waiting for us to wake up from the illusion that we don’t deserve, what we already have.

Love “your person” today, with all of your heart. Love “your person” today with everything you have. Today, your person is you and you deserve real Love.