Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ From the stats, I see that yesterday’s blog post hit a nerve. It’s understandable. Relationships are often the hardest things for us to navigate in this world, including the relationship that we have with ourselves. I’ve often thought that it is best to simplify relationships, and whittle them down to just the relationship that you have between yourself and one other, versus in relation to a whole related group. In other words, even if you have eight brothers and sisters, consider yourself to be an only child. What would your relationship look like/what expectations would you put on yourself, with your parents, if you were an only child, with no relation or expectations as to what their relationships look like with your siblings? This is the same if you have multiple children, multiple friends who are part of a bigger friend group, relationships at work, etc. As we all have figured out by now, in this middle stage of our lives, we cannot control other people. But we can decide what we are willing to do, and how we are willing to be, in any given relationship that we are a part of, and we want to nurture. I’ve found that when I do this simplification and focus on myself and just one other, my relationships seem to flow better, and I am often pleasantly surprised by the ease. (I suppose accepting my lack of control of others, stepping up for my own needs, and letting go of my expectations, is what is the magic elixir of this equation, when I remember to use it.)

+ When deciding what to write about on any given day, I often refer to quotes and thoughts that resonated with me. I either jot them quickly on my calendar or I take pictures of them. Here are a few that “struck a nerve” with me lately:

“Something that we don’t talk nearly enough about is how we often feel worse while we’re healing because we were forced to feel nothing while we were enduring something traumatic.” – The Empowered Therapist

This is so true, isn’t it? This applies to all healing – physical, mental, spiritual, which sometimes happens all at once. When we are going through a trauma, we often get robotic and numb. Our feelings shut down, as we go through the motions of getting through the nightmare situation. It’s often shocking and annoying how terrible we feel after something traumatic happens, but processing everything is necessary. It is often more painful and traumatic to keep trying to tamp the experiences down. We must heal ourselves by feeling the feelings, both physical and emotional. The only way to heal and cleanse pain, is to process through it. Here’s another one that resonated with me:

“I swear the universe can be divided into two kinds of people:

I had to go through it, so you should too.
I had to go through it, so I’ll work to make sure you don’t.” @MonicaHesse

This is what I mean by my daily tagline. There is great satisfaction in being a number 2 kind of person. Watching people experiencing the same kind of pain that you’ve gone through does nothing but add more pain into this world. How many recovered addicts have helped themselves to continue to stay sober, by helping other addicts? How many people have done the hard work to get educated and stay motivated to stop generations of poverty in their family line? How many people have turned a horrible tragedy, such as losing a loved one to gun violence or to cancer, into their life mission to change things, so that others will not feel their same pain? If we all made it our goal to be Number 2s, just imagine how beautiful this world would be.

Along these lines here is another quote from a picture I took:

“u r so considerate”

thanks i was raised in constant fear of upsetting people -@jayhs1k

Remember, some of the nicest people whom you’ll ever meet in life, have a “fawn response” from trauma they have experienced. Do not take advantage of this fact. Be kind.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

788. How do you feel about redheads? (I adore them! My two eldest sons are “gingers.”)

Soul Sunday

One of my friends commented on my post yesterday. My friend is one of those people who you can’t help but to instantly like (and her husband is the exact same way). I’ve never heard of anyone not liking her, or her husband. They are delightful. There is a saying that my grandmother used to say a lot when we were kids, “To know her, is to love her.” How wonderful to be one of those people in the world!

But getting back to business, today is poetry day on the blog. Since it is the week of Valentines Day, I am choosing to share a wonderful poem that Bob Marley wrote about love. (I consider my blog to be a curation of thought and of creativity, and it’s often not just my own thoughts and creativity. My blog is a collaboration with me, you, and many other interesting, past and present creators along the way. My blog is a thought museum, doused with a lot of emotional sauce and a bit of creative spice.) Bob Marley was a true master of the creative arts. Here is his poem:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only.

She loved before she may love again.

But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,

and the two of you may never be perfect together

but if she can make you laugh,

cause you to think twice,

and admit to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto her and give her the most you can.

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,

but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her,

don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.

Smile when she makes you happy,

let her know when she makes you mad,

and miss her when she’s not there.”

― Bob Marley

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

650. How many pairs of shoes do you own? (my answer is – A LOT. I own A LOT of shoes.)

October’s Final Day

Credit: @woofknight, X

Happy Halloween!! On our past trip, I overheard the story of a little kid asking for a grilled cheese, “but without the cheese, please.” This brought a smile to my face. That’s what I love about Halloween – the vicarious thrill I feel and the automatic smiles that come with that thrill, when I see the joy on the little ones’ faces. The children literally become the super heroes, the princesses, the sports heroes, the pilots, the witches, etc. and they get rewarded for their pure audaciousness and creativity and mischief.

In a dangerous world where the much-too-easy-to-do wrong click on a computer’s website can show a child what real horror looks like, in real live children’s faces, all over this planet, thank goodness that many children can have a night of escape into make-believe and fun and sweets galore. For at least one night, the children can believe that magic is real and that they, themselves have great power in commanding a simple spell – “Trick or Treat.”

Our children need more lightness and fun. Our children need to see more smiles and acts of kindness, everywhere that they look. Our children need us to believe in them and their futures, by us boldly taking the reins and owning our own mistakes, and steering our ships to better, safer, clearer routes, so that when our children embark onto the harbor of their own adult lives, the real horror won’t be so easy to be found. And the magic will be everywhere.

“A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality.” –Lucy Van Pelt, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

“Magic is really very simple, all you’ve got to do is want something and then let yourself have it.” –Aggie Cromwell, Halloweentown

“Just because I cannot see it, doesn’t mean I can’t believe it!” –Jack Skellington, The Nightmare Before Christmas

“The farther we’ve gotten from the magic and mystery of our past, the more we’ve come to need Halloween.” –Paula Guran

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” –Robert Brault

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday- Funday

There are so many things that I love about this letter: courtesy, effort, fond memories, life lived, connection, diligence, humility, humor, kindness, meaningfulness, the idea of ‘gentle maturing’, gratitude, appreciation, “if there is a will, there’s a way (he found a working VHS player!)”, the fact that the seller shared the letter with others . . . . may we all live and have all of these precious attributes, in abundance in 2023, and beyond. The ways of being pure, and real, and having unentitled awe, are truly timeless, and these ways will never, ever fail to inspire what is the best in all of us – giving and receiving love, to and from others, and giving and receiving love, to and from Life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Understanding

Few people talk about the grief that comes after ending toxic relationships. Intellectually, we know it’s for the best, but we also have suffered a deep loss many don’t understand. – Dr. Nicole LePera

This was an interesting tweet by Dr. LePera that got a lot of responses of relatability. One response was so interesting that I had to put it into one of my inspirational notebooks: “Sometimes the head takes the elevator, while the heart takes the stairs.” (@sparkleandcocoa)

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Just like people, many relationships have their good, healthy aspects and then their not-so-healthy characteristics. Some people can have healthy, loving, mutually satisfying relationships with people whom other people find to be completely toxic. Some people make excellent mentors or teachers or siblings, or leaders, but not so good spouses, parents, or friends, and vice versa. Some people are one person’s dream partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor, etc. and at very same time can be another person’s nightmare partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor. It’s all relative and complicated and based on individuals’ temperaments, personalities, needs, beliefs, passions and tolerances, and how well these elements match to one another.

The loss of any relationship whether it’s due to death, or to a choice, has to be processed and grieved. Nothing is black and white. Most relationships have at least some good aspects to them. If relationships were purely toxic, they wouldn’t have likely come into fruition in the first place. When you grieve a relationship, you not only grieve “what was”, but also “what could have been.” Endings indicate a need to process “what was”. “What could be” is no longer in the cards.

I always call grief the loneliest emotion, because even if two people are grieving the same person, or the same experience, everyone has to do grief in their own way, and in their own time. No one grieves in the same manner. Usually the same loss means a different kind of loss for each individual in a relationship. What is universal however, is that never is there a more important time in the world for gentleness and kindness and understanding and empathy, then when someone is grieving.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Something Stronger

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back. – Albert Camus

Like so many others, I was deeply disheartened yesterday to read about the death of Stephen Boss, aka tWitch, the brilliant dancer and television personality. He died by suicide, leaving behind a loving wife and three beautiful children. In the last year or so, our own extended family has lost two loved ones to suicide. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been affected by the suicide of someone. Suicide is more common than we want to believe.

Depression doesn’t discriminate and it takes an incredibly dark depression for someone to start dancing with the ideation of suicide. Yet, people can be clever in hiding their depression. Stephen Boss was living a supposed “dream life.” Appearances can be deceiving.

I’ve always hated the focus on “appearances.” How do things look? What will people think? Yet I am as guilty of this as anyone else. The other day, I found myself thinking, “Thank goodness that the outside of the house is decorated for Christmas. No one will know that we don’t even have our tree up yet.” Blech. Who cares? The thought is, “As long as the outside looks good, nobody will know the turmoil that goes on in the inside.” We spend way too much time, and energy on the outsides/appearances of ourselves and others, instead of loving, and healing and focusing on the insides of ourselves, and connecting to the deepest, most authentic essence of others.

How do we prevent more suicides? It is such a deep and troubling question. There may not be an easy answer, but we can always be kind. We can always be observant. We can remind ourselves, and we can remind others that the clouds always, always pass. Our true selves, our essence, our souls are NOT our thoughts. Our true selves can observe our thoughts, just like we can observe physical sensations happening in our bodies. We can notice that our thoughts always pass on, like clouds in the sky. Our true essence is the vast, peaceful, still, timeless blue sky and the clouds (thoughts, happenings, feelings) always pass on through. The key is to hold on to the vision of being the still, serene, blue sky of awareness that is the truest, realest part of each of us – the unchanging part of each of us that connects us all.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Dumping Grounds

I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.

The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.

This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”

We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.

We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?

On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Stronger People

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Yesterday I was driving my car and I was about to turn into a shopping center. Out of nowhere, another driver swerved around me and cut in front of me, causing me to have to slam on my brakes. I know that this action deserved a good honking, but I am a terrible honker. I usually get too flustered and I often wonder what honking out of anger and astonishment will really do, since the dirty deed has already been done. Further, I know that I have done some idiotic moves while driving in times past, so my thought is usually to just let these things go.

What delighted me though, was that another driver who had witnessed the whole scene, gave an aghast look at the driver who had cut me off, and then gave me a look of communal exasperation. We both held up our hands and shook our heads, and then smiled knowingly at each other. I love it when people stand up for other people, especially strangers. I felt, in that moment, that someone else, whom I didn’t even know, cared about an injustice which had happened to me. It warmed me enough to write about it.

Spanky

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

I’m at an IHOP this morning. I haven’t been to IHOP in forever. I was concerned that they wouldn’t be open this early, but then I saw the sign (OPEN 24/7). How comforting! I love the idea that lonely people almost anywhere, could probably find an IHOP, and sit among other people, any time, day or night. As I stated in yesterday’s post, reliable, steadfast, stable, consistent people and institutions are our national treasures. These are the things and the people and the conditions that are so unassuming and behind-the-scenes that you forget to be grateful for them. But in the end, the things that are so dependable that we often take them for granted, are the things that are missed the most when they are gone. Didn’t the pandemic make this abundantly clear?

Walking into this restaurant, I giggled to myself thinking of a family memory when our children were little. We took our family to a Waffle House for breakfast, which is a similar establishment to IHOP. Our server looked at our youngest son, and he smiled and he said, “Now, what can I get for you, Spanky?” We all laughed until our stomachs hurt, with this new nickname for our little guy, which seemed kind of fitting at the time. To this day, on occasion, my husband still likes to call our 6’2″, strapping, almost 22 year-old youngest son, “Spanky,” and we all laugh remembering this shared memory. It’s part of our family folklore. A stranger has no idea that he created a long-lasting, fun, happy, element to our family’s story.

Yesterday, I picked up our dry cleaning and as I was leaving, the clerk said, “Thank you for being kind.” I had noticed nothing unusual about the pleasantries that we shared. Honestly, I felt like I had been a little distracted. But I am a naturally friendly person. I have a hard time containing myself in my body, if that makes sense. My emotions tend to bubble over and thankfully, I am usually in a good mood. I am happy that she found me to be “kind” in a day that she probably needed some kindness. Think of all of the times, strangers did or said, just the right thing for you, on a day that you needed it so badly, that you couldn’t help but question whether that person had perhaps been an angel on earth, sent specifically to you. Treasure those moments. Send love and good energy to all of those strangers who are currently coming to your mind. I know that there is more than one. Remember to be that “angel”, too. Don’t wait for the “work order” from Heaven. It’s already implied.

What Matters

Some things matter and some things don’t. The journey of life is about discovering the difference.

~ Alan Cohen

I love the story I read over the weekend in People magazine. A little girl was on a flight with her parents, and as they left the flight and were walking in the airport, in the wee hours of the morning (I think around 2 a.m.), the little girl panicked realizing that she had lost her first baby tooth and that she didn’t have it with her. It had probably fallen out on the plane. A pilot, seeing the little girl’s distress, promptly came over and wrote a note, vouching for the lost tooth, for the little girl to give to the Tooth Fairy. The note asked the Tooth Fairy to accept the note in lieu of the tooth. I am sure that the Tooth Fairy accepted the note.

Kindness matters.

I also read an excellent article by Paul Sutherland in Spirituality & Health magazine. The article was talking about perspective. He wrote this:

“I have been immersed in spirituality and religion my whole life. I met a few “repent or go to hell” fearmongering Christians, Muslims, and Jews along the way. Listening to the frown-lined devotee who is keen to save my soul, I ask: “Are you happy?”

I pause for their answer. I then ask: “Are you saved, or content that your life is reflective of Moses, Jesus, or Muhammed, or whoever guides your worship?”

I then listen and simply say, “Seems if I had a personal relationship with God, was feeling guided by God’s presence, and had faith, I would be so happy, optimistic, and joyful that I would hardly be able to contain myself. I certainly would not be running around judging people and tearing down those God created in God’s image.”

Paul also told the story about lamenting about all of the world’s ills to one of his teachers. His teacher let him go on and on and then said firmly, “Paul. Suffering exists so we have something to do.” Paul Sutherland ended his article with this statement:

“I realize that, actually, suffering can be our call to optimism, to act, to hope, and to work for a world where every person goes to bed feeling safe, happy, loved, full, connected, and optimistic about tomorrow.”

Perspective matters.

Masaru Emoto, a famous Japanese author and researcher, studied water crystals and what the effects of words and feelings have on water crystals. Here is an example of some of his findings:

Whether you believe these findings about water crystals to be true or not, we already know what Emoto was trying to convey:

Gratitude matters. Wisdom matters. Truth matters. Peace matters. Love matters.

It appears what really matters in this world, are those things which are eternal and recognizable to all of us, no matter our age, our country, our language, our backgrounds, our educations, and our beliefs.

Love matters. Love matters. Love matters.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.