Tag: holiday mathis

New Exhibit

Here is a new exhibit in the thought museum that I call, Adulting – Second Half: (Ladies, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, wives, boss ladies, this one is especially important for you to take your time with, and to ponder with open hearts and minds):

“If a problem isn’t yours to solve, to do so would be a robbery for the person who needs the accomplishment or the lesson.” – Holiday Mathis

Ooooof. Those of us who consider one of our superpowers as being “helpful”, don’t like to consider the idea that sometimes our “helping” could actually be labeled as “robbery.” We don’t like to think that sometimes what we consider to be helpful, might actually be something more like controlling, or enabling, or arrogant and presumptuous. In short, people who tend to “help” in a codependent manner need every bit as much help as the people whom they believe they are “helping.”

When we do other people’s work, we are stealing the pride and self confidence that they achieve from accomplishing the work on their own. When we swoop in and “fix” other people’s problems, we delay the lessons the Universe is trying to teach them. The irony of all of this is, most of us “helper” types can’t stand to be “helped.” We like to be lone wolves. We can do it all ourselves. Nobody can do it better than us. Don’t try to control us. (And then, if we are honest with ourselves, we sometimes then like to thrash our chests and to lament, “Who cares about me? Who’s “helping” me? I do everything for everybody else, and nobody cares about poor little me.” We rarely think to refocus some of our own “helpful” energy on to ourselves.)

Now help isn’t bad. It is kind and good and positive to support each other through this journey we call life. Life can be hard. We need each other. However, the key difference between “helping” and “enabling” is best explained by the Association of Intervention Specialists: “The key difference between helping and enabling someone is that helping supports positive change, while enabling mitigates the consequences of negative behavior without addressing the underlying issue.”

So, for example, if a friend who is in financial trouble, asks you to help them move to a cheaper apartment, it is helpful and kind for you to assist in that way. But if a friend who is in financial trouble, wants you to help them to continue to pay for expensive rent which is way beyond their means, that is enabling to do so.

True help lifts people up. It helps them to see that they are capable and able and resilient and strong. It supports their own ability to solve their own problems. True help is support that lasts. When we feel confused if we are helping someone, or instead, we may actually be enabling someone, it is always good to check our motivations for our “helping.” Are we trying to control the situation to settle our own fears and anxieties? Are we overly concerned with our image of being a “good” person and focused on what other people may think of us? Are we overly concerned with the outcome, so that if a person whom we are “helping” doesn’t respond to our “helping” in the way that we want them to, we seethe with resentment? Is “helping” someone causing problems and detriment in our own lives and health? If we answer “yes” to any of the questions above, we aren’t being helpful to anyone, ourselves included.

What do you think of the new exhibit? Is it a little bit of “shock art”? Do you recognize yourself in any of it? Are you a helper or a robber? If someone isn’t “helping” you in the way you think that they should help you, is it possible they are actually “helping” you more than you could ever know?

Another addition to this exhibit could be: “When you change perspective, everything changes.” – Jenny Colgan

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ingratitude

“Not using your talents is an act of ingratitude.” – Holiday Mathis

My husband was telling me that he read an article that stated that Thanksgiving is quickly becoming America’s favorite holiday. He said that the article suggested this is because Thanksgiving is less commercialized than other holidays, and it is focused on gratitude. It always feels good to feel gratitude. It always feels good to be reminded of all of the plenty and abundance in our lives. When people list what they are grateful for the common lists seem to be: family, friends, home, health, food, pets, savings, etc. That’s why when I read the above quote this morning, it gave me pause. If someone were sitting around the Thanksgiving table and they started spouting how thankful they were for their intelligence, their creativity, their physical prowess, their beautiful singing voice, their gardening skills etc. we might think to ourselves, “How arrogant!”, but yet, we all benefit when people use their talents to the best of their abilities. Our Thanksgiving feasts are delicious because talented cooks came up with the recipes. We are entertained Thanksgiving Day by the talented singers and dancers and musicians and float creators that start with the Macy’s Day parade. We often watch amazing athletes later that day, playing football and other sports. Many of us went to go see Wicked over the weekend (my daughter and I among them) and besides the incredible actors, the talent that went into making that movie from the writers, to the special effects people, to the directors, etc. etc. is a list as long as the credits that are played at the end of each film which we see.

I often would spout to my children, “Actions speak louder than words.” Gratitude is an action. When we are grateful to be alive, our actions reflect this. When we are grateful to be able to do, and to enjoy the things that come naturally to us, we are giving ourselves (and the world) the gift of gratitude in action. When we squander our gifts and talents, that is like throwing a present away in the face of the Bestower. Don’t be humble. Be thankful. Share your gifts with the world. They are singular. No one does anything like you do it, and no one will ever do things exactly like you do them, again. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat us. The opposite of today’s quote is: “Using your talents, is an act of gratitude.” Today, be your gratitude.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

Yesterday, Holiday Mathis wrote about the fact that when you enter into relationships with people, these people don’t come “a la carte”. People are “package deals” with the people they have relationships with, as well. It’s like the old saying, “You don’t just marry the person. You marry the family, too.” I’ve never bought completely into that adage. I think you less marry “the family” but more so, you marry into your person’s relationship to their family and friends, and also your person’s chosen boundaries with said family and friends. So, for instance, you could like someone’s family and friends very much, but not want to spend every weekend with these people. And if your person wants to spend every weekend with these family members and friends, that’s where the conflict lies.

Along this same note, there’s a good expression that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are the same person. If someone has really toxic traits that are mean or abusive or destructive, all the flowers and charm and sweet traits and talents, do not cancel out their abusive behaviors. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are a package deal. Don’t delude yourself with an abusive person, by saying that the “Mr. Hyde parts of him or her, aren’t really them. Dr. Jekyll is the ‘real’ person.” Unfortunately, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde is a package deal – one and the same.

“All human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil: and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2410. What is your favorite sandwich?

Monday – Funday

Credit: posted by @woofknight, X

This week, take some time to consider “emotional labor”:

“It takes energy to shore up discrepancies. When you feel one thing but must act in some other way, it creates a gap. To shore up those gaps and present one cohesive personality is the very definition of emotional labor. This is why people you can’t be yourself around are so draining. Ask yourself: What energy is being expended to shore up a discrepancy?” – Holiday Mathis

Who can you be your total whole self around without constantly editing, or having to be on high alert, or having to censor yourself or pretend to be something different? These people who know and love and accept the whole of you, are your people. The people who you feel relaxed around and understood by, are your people. Quit trying to conform and contort yourself to fit your square peg self into a round hole. You deserve more. Be true to yourself. Be the best person/support system/cheerleader for yourself. You should definitely be one of your people.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1401. Have you ever rescued anyone or anything?

Overlooked Superstars

“It happens all the time. Superstars get overlooked. The passersby rush past the musical genius playing on the sidewalk. The future bestseller sits at the bottom of a slush pile. Groundbreaking work is met with skepticism or ignored. It all presents an opportunity for the intuitive and aware. Be on the look-out for the good stuff. Be the one who sees it, senses it, lives it.” – Holiday Mathis

Whenever I’m in a quandary about what to write about on the blog, I go to Holiday Mathis’ daily horoscopes. She typically writes something profound (such as above) before she even gets to the individual astrological signs. Some of the best music that I have ever heard, some of the best artwork which I have ever seen, and some of the best words I have ever read, have come from obscure places such as street corners, graffiti walls and out-of-print books that I picked up at a garage sale.

When we were away last week, sitting in a swanky hotel, two extremely stylish women decked out in pricy, designer gear from head to toe, were gushing to me about a ring that I was wearing on my right hand. I had two rings on, one expensive, beautiful 14K gold ring bedazzled with diamonds and the other one, a hammered brass ring, holding a broken shell, that I had purchased from an artsy street fair in a local town a couple of years ago. I asked the regal looking women which ring they were inquiring about, and it was the street fair ring. They wanted to know the maker, and unfortunately, I had no idea. The artist had not put a maker’s mark on it. I do love the ring though. It is truly one-of-a-kind. It is special.

I love to support the underdog, especially in the arts. If someone’s creative work touches me, I do everything that I can to support it, whether that means a purchase, a compliment, a nice tip, a referral/promo, etc. It takes courage to put one’s creations out into the public. To do this opens a creator up to criticism, to ridicule, to rejection and creating takes a lot of time to do, without the likelihood of great reward in return for their time and effort. This is why I believe that we miss out on so much of what the world and all of its individual creators could offer to us. We often respect and worship all of the wrong people/places/stuff. We get a lot of copycats and a lot of same old/same old. And thus, we don’t get inspired to be more creative and imaginative, ourselves.

Go to Etsy and look up something you like, say perhaps, “turtles.” You won’t believe the offerings that you will find, in every kind of art form, at truly reasonable prices. Go to local hole-in-the-wall restaurants that aren’t chains. You might taste flavors like you have never experienced before in any kind of restaurant. Pause and listen to that saxophonist on the corner. Many famous stars today, including Justin Bieber, were originally street performers. And if you find a creator that really impresses you, support them, any way that you can. It means so much to them. And honestly, it means so much to the world.

Even if you don’t like astrology, go to Holiday Mathis’ website and just read her opening paragraph every day. In my opinion, she’s a writer and a thinker and a wise woman who deserves a whole lot more attention. She’s a star among those who write about the stars. And also, allow yourself to put your own creations “out there”. If nothing else, this will help you to appreciate, even more so, the bravery, the vulnerability, and the imaginative effort and sacrificial time, the creators whom you admire, have in spades, by the offerings which they give to all of us. Creators give us an intimate piece of themselves.

(It is my belief that WE are the vehicles of creations for our Creator. Do not withhold your gifts, and also, bring attention to other creators’ gifts. The world will be a much better place for it.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2481. Would you join in a revolution?

Seeds and Shoes

 “All is temporary. Any effort to acquire or cling to things will be tempered by this wisdom. Accept the fleeting nature of ownership and make room for happiness with the things, people and time you have.” – Holiday Mathis

“I know when I buy something, fashion needs to speak to me emotionally. I look for a shoe that represents my individuality and personal style.” – Libby, from Sam & Libby shoe company

This past weekend I found out that one of my favorite “little town” stores was going out of business. I felt a little gut-punched and soul-crushed to be honest. I think that my husband, who was with me as we happened upon their unexpected going-out-of-business sale, was concerned that I might burst out in tears, in front of the other shoppers, digging through the final, few 75% off cast-offs from the store. I didn’t wail, but I was definitely crying on the inside. This store was a plant store with a unique urban edge to it. I can look around my house and see several pots, plants and accoutrements that I had purchased there, usually on date nights, because the town that the store sits in, has wonderful, low-key restaurants right by the water. This store contained things you just didn’t find anywhere else. I never left there without purchasing something which made my heart sing a little, and as a magic bonus, the item was usually tied to a little romantic memory with my husband.

I’m with Libby. I buy my fashion pieces, my jewelry, things for my home, my cars, souvenirs from my trips, definitely my shoes, because they speak to me emotionally. I delight in individuality in myself, and in others. I adore getting a glimpse of someone’s soul and overall being by the way that they dress themselves, hold themselves, comfort themselves in their homes, adorn themselves . . . . I “worship” at the places and at the feet of people that aren’t afraid to put it all out there, and who fully own who they are, and who proudly show it, for the whole world to see. And this looks different on everyone. And yet it is all so incredibly beautiful.

We all know that the only constant is change. So savor everything. Take nothing for granted. Buy the damn shoes. Wear them proudly. Wear your emotions on your sleeves. Say thank you to everything and everyone who has made your life the unique and wonderful experience that it is. Thank you, sweet little plant store and the persons who created you. You changed lives by being fully you, and your sui generis spirit lives on in a lot of homes, and gardens all over. Your emotions have been spoken and they are lovely.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1131. Are you a positive person?

Tuesday Tidbits in Still January

+ “When you wake up tomorrow, it’ll still be January.” @ProfAlang, X

“genuine question, how is it still january?” @eosinlove, X

“We are 6 months into 2024 and it’s still January.” @hashjenni, X

“why is it still January. i’ve lived several lives this month” @milkygoddess, X

“Why is it still January? Let’s pack it up babe” @witti_indi, X

I’ve been noticing the remarks about this seemingly long January, particularly in the last few days. Honestly, January has been a good, satisfying month for me, but even still, it does feel sort of never-ending. Don’t the holidays seem like forever and a day ago??

+ “If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long.” – Mark Twain

This has been shortened into the statement: “Eat a frog.” The point is, get the tasks which you have been dreading, done and over with, and then you can enjoy the rest of your day and even your week, with ease. Hopefully, reading my blog is not your “eat a frog” moment. My blog is conceivably more of a delicious little Dove heart – just a tiny, harmless, happy break in your day. A spoonful of sugar, makes the frog go down.

+ “You are, in a general, low-key, ambient way, concerned about the whereabouts of your people at all times. You rather enjoy having a corner of your mind occupied in this way because it reminds you that you love and are loved.” – Holiday Mathis

This was one of my horoscopes this morning. It brought a smile to my face. It was one of those “I never thought of it that way” moments for me. I would say this is a true statement for me every day of my life. Maybe we worry about our people for the pure little prickling reminder to ourselves, that we love, and we are loved. We like to keep tabs on our love. I’m happy to dedicate at least a corner of my mind to my great loves. I just have to remember to show my love in the form of confidence, and not in worry.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

910. What is your favorite outfit?

Monday – Funday

Summer often likes to leave with a bang in our state. I am not too concerned. We live pretty far inland, and we’ve lived through many big Florida storms and many big Florida storm scares. If you don’t get a daily blog post from me later in the week, just figure that our power is out. Still, I’ll take any extra prayers and good juju for the people in the path of Idalia.

Have a great week, friends! Here are some bonus thoughts that I wrote in one of my inspirational notebooks this past weekend, from my readings. I’m sorry, I don’t know who to credit some of them to:

+ When a human reaches the end of his or her rope, he or she reaches the beginning of God.

+ Choose change before change chooses you.

+ We all have gifts that we don’t recognize, not because they are hidden but because they are so much a part of us that we can’t see them. Other people are the mirrors that allow us to see. – Holiday Mathis (***I really like this last one. We are often told that other people mirror the traits about ourselves that we don’t like and which we tend to disown in ourselves, so it’s a nice turn to think about people being mirrors to our positive traits, too. It’s also true that the traits that come naturally to us, we tend to discount. But these unique attributes of ours are gifts to us, and to others. My husband has the uncanny ability to find lost things. He’s found glasses buried in sand in the shore of the ocean. He’s found tiny earring studs at the bottom of a pool. If I lose something, I often wait for him to come home, because I know that he’ll find it. This gift of his, was the first thing that came to my mind, when I read this quote. What are some uncanny traits that you have that are so naturally a part of you, you can’t see them? I bet that your loved ones could tell you.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Coasting into Friday

I’m assuming that a lot of you are closeted (or not so closeted) book nerds like me. I recently purchased a couple of these sturdy, engraved bamboo coasters for myself from a local bookstore. The maker of these wonderful coasters also has an Etsy shop called “Homemeadeshop” where you can purchase any one of these coasters for $8 each. They are well-made, easy to clean and so far, they are holding up quite well. These coasters make me smile any time I look at them (when I am pulling my nose out of a book). These coasters are my favorites for today, on the traditional “Favorite Things Friday“, here at the blog.

I read a couple of these truisms on Holiday Mathis’ horoscope column this week. I believe that these probably apply to all zodiac signs:

“Don’t try to be likable to all. Be likable to you. You are the one who must hang out with you the most.”

“If you ignore it, and it doesn’t go away, it’s reality.”

And I just read the sad news that Tony Bennett has passed. I remember being so enchanted watching him with Lady Gaga, on a holiday special not too long ago. RIP to a delightful legend.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Just Decide

I read an excellent piece by Jill Donovan yesterday, discussing decision making when the answers just don’t seem particularly clear. She gave an example of her daughter trying to choose between two colleges, that she had been accepted to attend. Her daughter did the tried and true “Pros/Cons” and “Advantages/Disadvantages” lists about her decision, and yet the answer was still not completely clear to her. Jill wrote this:

“This is because life’s complexities cannot always be simplified into tidy lists of advantages and disadvantages. If every decision could be made so effortlessly, our lives would lack the vibrant tapestry of experiences that provide us the opportunity to rely fully on and deepen our trust in God.” 

We get so many conflicting messages about how to make decisions. “The mind can play tricks on you.” “Trust your gut.” “Feelings are not facts.” We get so caught up in trying to find the “perfect answer”, that we forget that very often, more than just one path can lead us to our destination. There isn’t necessarily just one, ‘right’ decision. And even if we get off course, the ever-patient Universe has a way of guiding us back to where we need to be, when we willingly surrender to the Great Compass inside of us.

When making decisions it is best to use our analytical minds, but also to listen to the sensations in our bodies. Holiday Mathis recently reminded her readers of this wise tome: “How you feel around someone is as important as how you feel about them.” We can love, and admire, and be totally charmed by different characters in our life, who are really not particularly healthy for us to have relationships with, in our daily lives. I remember many, many years ago, my sister-in-law was deciding between two men whom she was dating. She told me that the first guy looked “great on paper”. He checked all the right boxes. But the other guy, just felt great to be with, like the perfect “glove-in-hand” fit.” Spoiler alert: My sister-in-law is happily married to, and has spent many adventures with (including raising two sons and living in Australia for a few years) the “perfect fit” guy, for a few decades now.

When making a decision, using the mind, and creating plus/minus checklists can be very helpful and wise. Feeling what decision most resonates with our guts, and which decision feels most peaceful and “right” to our Inner Compass, is also important to pay attention to, and to figure into the decision. However, in the end, if the answer is still not entirely clear, it is best to make a decision and move on, with a deep faith that Greater Forces will gently steer us, and keep us “on track” to the lessons, epiphanies, experiences and destinations that are meant for each of our individual lives.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.