Tag: generations

Discoveries

“We create to discover what we already know but cannot yet name.”

“Don’t be afraid to cut something. The best ideas are resilient. If it truly belongs in your work, it’ll find its way back.”

I took yesterday “off”. I did only the essentials and in the meantime, I read one and a half books. I love to laugh. (and I mean, LAUGH – not chuckling, not giggling – these are just small tastes of the real thing) Chapter two of Disaster Preparedness: A Memoir by Heather Havrilesky made me laugh until I cried. And then I decided to read it out loud to my husband at dinner, and I couldn’t read it to him, without snorting, and losing my breath with laughter. I belly laughed. He could hardly understand what I was reading, so he just laughed along with me. There are few better feelings than belly laughing.

The top two quotes are from a conversation that Kelly Corrigan had on her podcast with Pete Docter, the creator of the animated movies, Inside Out and Monsters, Inc. The first quote resonates in this way: I believe that I laughed so hard reading the chapter in Disaster Preparedness (which is about the author’s growing up in the 1970s/80s) because the author absolutely named feelings that I felt, growing up during that time period, as well. She “named” what I already knew and I had experienced long ago. That is what all artform and creativity is about, right? We allow ourselves to be a channel for the muses inside of us, and out pops something that speaks to us so intimately and intuitively, as if it was always there. We now have a “name”, or a “symbol”, or a “picture” or a “description” or a “song”, for what is swirling inside of us. And often it is these outcomes of our creativity (the name, the symbol, the picture, the description, the book, the song, the movie, the dance . . .) that makes us all feel connected. The dots get connected when we feel a familiarity, or a relatedness, or a knowingness with our own creations, and also with others’ creations.

Yesterday, I also read a memoir by the actress Ione Skye in its entirety. Ione is only a few months older than me, and she played in a lot of TV shows and movies with stars like John Cusack, Keanu Reeves, Matthew Perry and River Phoenix. Ione Skye hung out with the 80s supermodels and had a toxic relationship with Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers and a short marriage to Adam Horovitz (Ad-Rock) of the Beastie Boys. Based on my (unconscious) book choices, I must be feeling nostalgic. What struck me most, while reading this particular book, was that I was experiencing all of these “blasts from the past.” There were many names that I had honestly forgotten all about, until I saw their names in print. This book named all of the BIG names, who were the BIG names in my impressionable, coming up years. I doubt my kids would have even recognized half of the people whom Ione Skye was writing about. I said to my husband, we really do live generationally. Yes, generations overlap like a venn diagram, but ultimately all of our most poignant frames of reference, such as world leaders, national and international major happenings, fashion, famous bands, famous actors, famous movies, etc., are shared primarily with the generation we grew up with. Yes it’s true, many generations experienced the pandemic, but my generation experienced the pandemic as middle aged people, mostly concerned for protecting their children, and also their elders. Reading these books yesterday, gave me a feeling of kinship with my own generation, like I haven’t felt in a while. These books (creations) helped me to discover this nostalgic, grateful, sentimental, loving feeling that I already know and experience deeply. (Gen X, I love you all.)

The second quote from above, doesn’t just apply to creating. I truly believe that if something that is meant for you to have, or to be experienced, it will happen. Don’t worry if you feel like you missed your first shot. Believe that if it is meant to be, the Universe, in all of its glory and wisdom will see to it, and guide you to it, along the way. Your dreams are planted in you, for a reason. I have so many examples and illustrations of this, in my own life. The first one that comes to mind, is the house I currently live in. In my married life, I have never lived longer in one home than in this one, and despite all of its quirks, and its aging bones, and its ever constant need for expensive updates and fixes, I love my home. I have never felt more at home anywhere else. My husband feels the same way. However, when I first visited this home, it was up for sale, it was entirely overpriced, it had a master bathroom that made me laugh out loud, and all there was to the landscaping, was trimmed up, bush-sized weeds. (even as my realtor and I left this home, both still giggling about its bright, bold gold lame’ tub, I had this weird, indescribable, knowing feeling that I would live in it one day.) Well, a few months later, the home which we were renting was being put up for sale by the owner, and we didn’t want to buy it. Our current home (the one I visited with the realtor), not being able to be sold for its ridiculous asking price, was up for rent, and was located just right around the corner from our rental, making for an easy move. We decided that we could live with a gold lame’ tub for one year. After one year, the house was growing on us (and also, we didn’t want to move again, being a family of six, plus a menagerie of pets). And so, we were able to get the beleaguered owners down to a fair price, and we purchased the home. Fast forward, 11 years later. Home Sweet Home.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Elevator Talk

I went to my annual OB/GYN appointment yesterday. That was fun. Ha! My gynecologist is a lovely young woman with a three-year-old child who is already ready to sit on Santa’s lap this year with his wish list. I wonder if my doctor tries to get clues about what menopause will look/feel like for herself, when she examines us middle-agers both physically, then also emotionally, by asking pointed questions like, “No really, how ARE you? Do we need to up your hormones?”

My examination went well. Apparently, I’m “normal.” (I’ll leave it at that.) As I was leaving the doctor’s office, a young man was leaving the office as well. He appeared to be a pharmaceutical salesperson. We were both walking behind an elderly couple who were holding hands as they slowly, and I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y meandered down the long hallway towards the elevators. “I’m going to need you to be the rude one first, and swing wide around them,” the salesperson playfully said to me with raised eyebrows. “Sorry guy,” I said. “You didn’t realize that I’m not a bitch.” And so we all made peace with slowly making our way to the elevators at a drunken (possibly passed out) snail’s pace.

When we got into the elevator, the elderly couple were still holding hands. “I love that you are still in love,” I said to them, and then the young man and I both smiled at them in admiration and appreciation. “Married sixty-three years!” the woman exclaimed. “And we courted for four years before that,” the elderly man boasted.

“That’s incredible and rare,” I said. “I hope to get to that anniversary with my husband.”

“At this point in my life, I just feel astonished and lucky to wake up and to get to live another day,” the woman said, honestly and profoundly.

And that’s when the young man chimed in and said, “I think that we all should feel that way, no matter what our age. I mean none of us are guaranteed anything, right?” And that’s when we all smiled and nodded appreciatively at the wisest being in the elevator. And for some really heartwarming reason, at that moment in an otherwise ordinary day, I felt so good and so connected with every generation in our world (both young and old and those like me, the “in-betweeners”). I had an extra spring in my step as I got off of the elevator. I turned around. I smiled brightly. And I genuinely and warmly wished them all a wonderful afternoon, and then I happily headed to my car, feeling like all was right in our world.

It’s the little things that make us feel alright. The little things count a lot (if we remember to count them). As it is said, the little things are the big things.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

It Just Blooms

On my to-do list for today, is to get a birthday card in the mail for my cousin’s little girl who is soon to turn two. Imagine being two these days. Everything is so completely different than when I was two, or even when my children were two years old. Technology is moving at such a rapid rate. It’s only in the last twenty years that inventions like smartphones, Google, Facebook, electric cars and Bluetooth have become part of mainstream society. Who knows what’s next? I have never had a scientific type of mind, but I am eager to see what is coming up for all of us, around the corner, most likely in rapid succession.

It’s when I consider all of these rapid changes in the world, that I get really annoyed at myself, and at others, when we start saying disparaging things about younger generations. Who are we to judge? Who are we to say what we would have been like, if the internet, Facebook, Instagram and digital cameras were part of our growing up experience? When you start comparing generations, you are never doing an apples to apples comparison. A truly scientific experiment would require that all of the outside variables be exactly the same, and that’s not possible with human beings, not even for identical twins in the same family.

Why do we humans have such a need to make comparisons? If we are honest with ourselves, it is either to make up for insecurities in ourselves (feeling better than), or to validate our own poor opinions of ourselves (feeling less than). Neither comparison does anything productive for us, or for anybody else. Comparison is only helpful when it is inspiring and inclusive. That kind of positive comparison is just an act of witnessing and discerning whether you say, “Gee, I want some of that. How do I get something like that for myself?” or “Wow, that’s interesting. It’s not for me, but variety is the spice of life.”

There is such an emphasis today on “likes” and “claps” and “followers”, but in our frenzy for approval, do we ever really stop and ask ourselves why? Is something only good for us, and interesting to us, and exciting for us, if other people say that it is? How much time are we spending talking to others about our lives, posting “stuff” about our lives, always justifying our opinions about things, versus actually just living our lives? If we are making a living from our “likes”, “claps” and “followers” then it follows that the court of public opinion, should sway our choices, I suppose. But then that just turns our own life into a commodity, being shaped by forces that aren’t really authentic to our truest selves. When we are so focused on the “likes”, “claps” and “followers” of any life decision that we make, we are no longer living our true life, but more of an empty image, that changes with the wind. And also, when the people who are making their own lives/selves, their “product”, and are then, exposed to be something different than what they are portraying, everyone feels disappointed and deceived. We see this happen time and time again.

When someone I love asks me to help them with a dilemma they are experiencing, I offer my opinion (sometimes too quickly and boisterously and annoyingly – I own this about myself. Thank you for still loving me, my peeps) but I also like to remind the person that if they put their question “out there”, they are likely to get half the world agreeing with their actions, and half the world disagreeing with their actions. Even if a majority vote leans one way or another, what does that really matter? The only thing that really matters when making a decision about your life, is what deeply resonates with yourself, at your very core. If you put the focus back on what resonates with yourself, versus what generates a bunch of “approval”, you will experience your deepest, most sacred connection to your own self and your own life. Authenticity never requires approval. It just is.

9 Quotes to Help You Stop Comparing Yourself to Others | Comparison quotes, Powerful quotes, Challenge yourself quotes

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Talking ‘Bout My Generation

I wrote an answer, not too long ago, on Quora that seemed to resonate with people and now unfortunately, some people have mistaken me as some sort of an “expert on aging.” Almost every morning someone poses a question to me, about being old. I’m not sure that I am ready, mentally or emotionally, for the “wise old lady” reputation. I mean I’m only 48, for goodness sake! Still, Quora fits my “know-it-all”, “let’s sit around and philosophize about life” personality to a tee, and I have a hard time not answering questions, which people have asked me to answer. Today, someone asked me to answer a question on how old people feel about the younger generations having it easier than we did. This was my answer:

This question is written with the assumption that the younger generations DO actually have it easier than we do and I do not necessarily believe that statement. I think that whenever we compare generations, we are already starting with faulty premises, because it is not a level playing field. It is always comparing apples to oranges because the circumstances each generation are born into are always different i.e., technology, leaders, economics, social movements, world problems, health issues etc. etc.

I have four children ages 15–23. In some ways their childhoods were easier than mine, but in other ways, I think that they had it harder. I think there seems to be more pressure for kids to succeed in school and in sports, at levels that are insanely difficult, compared to when I was a kid. Further, the fear from violence in our society has been taken to whole new levels. When I was a kid, you could still meet your loved ones at the gate when they were getting off of an airplane, without even going through security. The only drills we ever had in school were sporadic fire drills. These negative changes, make me sad for the younger generations and sad that our previous generations have allowed these situations to spiral.

I believe that the duty of any generation is for the individuals in that generation to be the best individual version of themselves, and to foster their own individual talents and gifts, to the highest degree, so in turn, a world of inspiration, beauty and wonder is being passed on to the next ones, inspiring them to do the same. This is the only way that this world will elevate and prosper. That is the sacred duty of all of us, regardless of what generation we were born into in our lifetimes.

Now, in all fairness, I am not the only “old lady guru” on Quora. In fact, this answer had over 100 other answers from other “gurus”. I never read the other answers on Quora’s questions before I answer a question, because I don’t want to be influenced by other people’s answers. However, I do read the answers after I have written and posted my answer. What made me sad about this question/answer was that most of the 100+ “answerers” felt the same way as I do. The conclusion seemed unanimous: Our younger generations don’t really have it as good as we did, in many, many ways. What does that say about us???