Tag: empty nest

Palm Frond

“We don’t believe what we see. We see what we believe.” – Kelly Corrigan, a takeaway from her discussion with Mónica Guzmán

Mónica Guzmán is a journalist who wrote I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times. Guzmán describes herself as a lifelong liberal from Seattle who has parents who were once Mexican immigrants, who now happen to be fierce Trump supporters. Guzmán wrote this book in 2022. I just downloaded it to my Kindle. I imagine that an election year is as good a year as any, to read a book like this.

The only time that real, lasting changes occur anywhere, is when people change their minds. Real changes only occur when people examine their beliefs and find loopholes and pitfalls and questions where there used to be ironclad answers. Sometimes it takes extreme events in our lives to allow ourselves to fully and openly examine our own beliefs.

The other day, I was driving on the road and up in the distance was a blondish hump lying in the middle of the road. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. “It’s a dead animal,” I thought. “It’s roadkill.” Then my imagination really got to the best of me. “It’s probably a dead dog.” And due to the size and the color of the mass on the road, it was most likely a golden retriever. Someone’s beloved family dog, their gorgeous golden retriever, had been left in the middle of the road to die by some horrible jerk! I was sick to my stomach. I had tears in my eyes. And then as I got closer, I saw that it was a large palm frond that had probably been blown down in one of the storms we have been having. Yes, what I saw up ahead on the road was a palm frond all along. “We see what we believe.”

Sometimes just knowing why someone believes what they believe, helps us to gain empathy and understanding, even if we don’t share their beliefs. Sometimes exploring why we, ourselves, believe what we believe, helps us to gain empathy and understanding about ourselves. How many times do we watch a movie and a character has an extreme reaction to a situation, and just as we are scratching our heads, wondering about their over-the-top reaction, we get a flashback to the backstory of what most likely caused that character’s extreme reaction in the present time? Sometimes our beliefs come from irrational, exaggerated places in the dark corners of our minds that stem from extreme experiences, or frightening people who did not allow us to disagree.

In a divisive year, in a divisive time in our country, there is no better time to figure out how to feel better. The only way to figure out how to feel better about anything, especially troubling things, is to explore these situations with open-minded curiosity, and with the aim of finding some kind of understanding. I am hoping that Guzmán’s book has some good ideas about how to do this, because our current system of dueling parties, extreme media platforms, and people screaming at, and denigrating each other on social media, is getting us nowhere and has been getting us nowhere, for a long, long time.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2268. What is your favorite conversation topic?

Tuesday’s Tidbits

Here are some more things from my current thought-a-log:

+ “If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.” —Haruki Murakami

“To find newer ideas, read older books.” – Ivan Pavlov

When I was little, I loved to read my mother’s old Nancy Drew books, from when she was a little girl. They were hardcover, had browned edges and instead of talking about “cars” in the books, they were called “roadsters.” There was something so much cooler and enchanting about 1930’s Nancy.

I am currently reading Parable of the Sower. It is a dystopian novel published in 1993 by the now deceased, Octavia Butler. Butler wrote it to take place in the “future”, which starts in 2024. I tend to read right before I go to sleep. I don’t recommend doing this, with this particular book. Unfortunately this is one of those science fiction novels, that you can too easily see becoming “non-fiction” in the not to distant future if we don’t get serious about change for the good of the whole, versus just focusing on the constant infighting of various powers in our country. Scary.

“Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.” – Frederick Douglass

+ I recently read something that said that it’s a good idea to utilize this test for all of your relationships and situations in your life: Does this person/place/thing (thing could be an institution such as where you work, a club you attend, or a church, medicinal substance, etc.) “double my happiness and half my sorrows”? In other words, when I am going through a really good experience in my life, does this person/place/thing support me and share in my joy, and uplift me? And in times of sorrow, does this person/place/thing hold me, and help me through it to the other side of the burdens which I am carrying? If not, does this person/place/thing really deserve much of a placeholder in my life? You don’t deserve people who rain on your parade. And you don’t deserve people who disappear when times get tough, either. Maybe it’s time to get real and make a list . . . . A good way to know your “keepers”: Who are the people/places/things you can’t wait to go to with good news and bad news? Why? Are they the same lists? Why or why not?

+ And finally, this(!):

“Never apologize for what you feel. It’s like being sorry for being real.”

— Lil Wayne

****to J: maybe a wiser guy than you knew?! 😉

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1792. What three musicians do you feel have contributed the most to music?

Monday – Funday

Late last year, I purchased these two adorable cicada figurines at two separate times from two different antique dealers. I don’t know why I purchased them, other than I was attracted to them. I keep them by our front door. I feel like they are lucky and mystical. My husband has often commented that he thinks they are cool looking, and that was that . . . or so I thought. Today I read this article that came out in the news two days ago:

https://www.nbcnews.com/science/science-news/cicadas-2024-emergence-periodical-brood-2024-map-cicada-rcna134152

It appears that two broods of cicada are going to emerge in the United States this year, at the same time. This is so rare that the last time it happened was in 1803. Now, you are probably thinking, “Wow, what a strange coincidence!” But I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in the adage that coincidence is really just God/Universe being anonymous. I believe that we are all so intrinsically connected to everything that happens in nature, throughout all of time, but we have lost sight of this fact, because we are focused on all of the wrong things. We have lost sight of the magic of it all, despite the fact that it is all around us, doing its thing, despite the stupid, pointless games we play. Look for the signs, friends. The real signs. The signs that make you feel deeply connected and contented and comforted and wise and knowing and intuitive and assured. The signs are everywhere. Look for them and trust them.

Another great article I read this morning is this one:

https://www.axios.com/2024/01/20/single-women-homeowners-us-map?utm_source=join1440&utm_medium=email&utm_placement=newsletter

This article states that in the United States home ownership is now majority female. Why is this important? According to this article, only sixty years ago, women couldn’t get a credit card or a mortgage without a male co-signer. I’m 53. Thank you to the generations of my mother, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, my aunts, my older friends, and all the women of those generations who stood up for change. You made this right. My daughter and all of the women of her generation can’t even begin to fathom the world that you came up in. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (and ladies, let’s remember their sacrifices, and let’s not go backwards.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2691. Do you prefer hot tubs or steam rooms?

Soul Sunday

Good morning. Welcome to poetry day on the blog. Sunday is the ultimate “breathe out” day isn’t it. Breathe out, and write a poem today. You won’t regret it. Writing poetry is a great exercise in self discovery. Here is my poem for today:

“PRESS RESET”

If there was ever a reset button for anyone’s life,

it would probably be on a Sunday morning.

All of the plans, and actions, and inactions, forward motions,

mistakes, redos, have-tos, sideswipes, happy surprises,

less than pleasant surprises, items crossed off the to-dos,

items added to the to-dos, new things learned, old things confirmed,

aches and pains, losses and gains, dreamy nights, sleepless nights,

knowledge gleaned, wisdom earned, gratitude seeped in,

All of this. All of the bits and bobs, whirling around all week,

Sometimes ending in frenzy and collapse and exhaustion . . .

How to save all of this information?

In order to not have any losses,

Something deep within us, presses a button,

RESET. We are ready to begin again . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2045. Do you think chivalry is dead . . . and should it be?

I Do

We just arrived home from the wedding which we had attended last night. I’m tired, but happily so. There are few experiences in this world that are more beautiful, hopeful, earnest, and comforting than weddings. How lovely it is to see two people commit to be there for each other, in full support of each other throughout their shared journeys throughout their lifetimes. Many wedding traditions have changed throughout the ages, and it is true that not all marriages last, but during the celebration of the uniting of two people, the whole space around them is elevated. We attendees to the wedding are all delighted to witness a couple of our fellow human beings bare their souls to each other, and also to say to all of us who care about them and to Creation, “I’m going to take care of this human. I’m going to be there for this human through it all. This human is very special to me.” And we all feel happy that there is another twosome in this world that have committed to having each other’s backs in the most intimate, devoted, exhaustive way that it is not possible to do for everyone who we each know and care about. Marriage elevates us. It elevates our world. And you see a microcosm of this in any wedding event. You look over the sea of beaming faces and you see the elderly, and the youth, and everyone in between, and you realize that marriage is a huge part of what has made our humanity what it is today. Our biggest celebrations and traditions in life are always about love. Weddings encapsulate the act of love, not just the feeling of love, but the act of committing to actually being love in one of its most gracious forms, as a caring, dedicated, devoted spouse of another being. Weddings are wonderful.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1863. What song would you say best sums you up?

Furry Friday

Today we are going to a wedding. I always scour a couple’s wedding registry for something that I believe that the couple will have for a long, long time. I look for an endurable item. I think that it bodes well for the marriage, to use an item, or to see an item, and to remember your special day every time that particular item meets your eye. My parents’ friends bought us this large, unusual, beautiful salad bowl for our wedding and to this day, it sits out on our kitchen counter, holding apples and oranges. We’ll be happily married for 30 years in October.

I only bring this up about “special items” because on Fridays on the blog, I discuss the “special items” in life which make life more interesting. Favorite Things Friday is here! This Friday’s favorite I learned about from our dog groomer. She groomed Josie, our rough collie, the other day in about half of the time that it usually takes. (Josie is probably related to wookies. Her hair is similar to Chewbacca’s. Josie has A LOT of hair.) Anyway, our groomer said that she started using a new brush that has become a game changer for her business. It was invented by a Doodle breeder. The brush is called The Doodle Brush. You can buy The Doodle Brush on Amazon. I purchased one and haven’t used it much yet because the dogs were just groomed, but I trust my groomer. She knows her stuff. At $55, the brush is not inexpensive, but my groomer insisted it’s worth every penny. If you live with a furry critter (or two), this is a brush that you must check out.

Have a delightful weekend, friends! See you tomorrow!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

520. How modern are you?

Being It

The son of one of my best friends from college is getting married tomorrow. He is the first of our group of friends’ babies to get married. It feels surreal. As you age, you get little markers along the way, reminding you that you are aging. (a lot of these markers have landed on my face in the form of wrinkles and bags) But every once in awhile, as you are moving along your life, you get big flashing lights that are determined to get your attention. They seem to scream: “You, my friend, are definitely in a different era of your life!”

I remember clearly going to this young man’s parents’ wedding. We all went to college together. There were a slew of weddings back then. And then, after a while, there weren’t many weddings to attend at all. Everything evolved to baby showers. And then there was a long period of supporting each other as we raised our families, sharing our joys and our griefs along the way. And not too many years ago, the graduation notices of the children of my friends starting coming into the mailbox more and more frequently. The Christmas cards we receive every year seem to have more wedding pictures on them, and now the darling babies featured on the front on the cards are often the adored grandbabies of our friends.

It is not lost on me that the major milestones that mark the turning of the seasons of our lives, are the milestones that show where all of our loving energy has been invested. The milestones in our lives show the growth of our relationships and of our endeavors, and the branches of where our lives have grown and spread. I’m not sad that I am crossing into this new era of my life. I am perhaps a little (naively) surprised, but I am not sad. I delight in everything that I have experienced and grown wiser about in my life. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful to share this journey with others who help me to reflect on, and help me to realize all that life really is, which is to say, can mostly be whittled down to one pure thing – experiencing, living, and being Love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2101. Can you do any fake accents? If so, which one? (This reminds me of a “No Horse Pucky” story. Let me start by saying that my husband and I have power of attorney for each other, and I handle all of our monthly bills. One month, there was a problem on one of my husband’s credit card statements that I was trying to get rectified. The customer service people told me that my husband would have to call about it, but my husband was out of the country on business. So, I thought to myself, “I’ll just lower my voice and pretend to be my husband.” Simple. Problem solved. I practiced a few times and I called back. I did my spiel in my “man voice.” The patient customer service person listened and then said to me, “Ma’am, we really are going to need to speak to your husband.” So fake man accent, is clearly not one of my talents.)

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I’ve been stalled in writing because I am waiting for my mind to thaw, and my fingers feel like stiff little icicles that do not want to be separated from each other. I feel guilty living in Florida and complaining about the cold, but it is currently 46 degrees outside which is typically unheard of in our neck of the woods. And my husband and I are incredibly stubborn. We won’t turn on the heat pump unless things become dire. We don’t like the smell of burnt dust. I read something on the internet that said that those of us complaining about the cold, just can’t wait for the days that we can complain about the heat. Yes, that’s about right.

When I was in my twenties I had a boss who liked to ask quirky questions. She once asked whether I would prefer to freeze to death, or to be overheated to death. While I pondered the question (and also why she was asking it), she mentioned that freezing to death is actually a very calm, gentle, easy-going death. I never asked her how she knew this, but I never forgot this particular moment either. When I think about this now, I honestly pick “neither” forms of death. I pick neither.

I always feel bad for people from up north who come to Florida in December and January and end up coming in to visit us during a cold spell. The stubborn disappointment is palpable. Everyone seems to think that Florida is always sweltering because they once went to Disney World in July. These defiant winter tourists still wear their shorts and t-shirts and flip-flops and they pretend not to notice that their toes are turning blue. And of course, we overly dramatic Floridians are bundled up like we are about to ascend Mt. Everest, as we layer on every old coat which we have ever owned (“it’s a good thing that I kept my high school ski jacket for days like these”).

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1987. How do you feel about photography?

Pages from a Thought-alog

I have many notebooks full of thoughts that I have jotted down from signs I’ve seen, things that I have read, or insights that have come to me. In these notebooks I have pasted poems and artwork that inspire me, special cards that I have received, and feathers that I have found. I decided to flip through my current “Thought-alog” and share some of the goodies that I have in there, here on the blog today:

+ “Cycles end when you refuse to participate in them.” – SayItValencia, X When you raise a family, and then grow into becoming the elders of a large and growing brood, i.e. the matriarch and/or the patriarch of any family, and you are truly intentional about these roles that you have taken on, you inevitably become a cycle breaker. There are many things that you experience with your family of origin that you like and that you appreciate, and so you choose to deliberately continue these ways and traditions with your own family, but there are also things that you wish to stop. You want certain patterns of behavior and toxicity to end with you. You see how long certain cycles have continued on and on within your family line, and you decide that you will be where this negativity stops. You become a cycle breaker. This is not easy. People are resistant to change. You have to be continually aware and intentional to stop cycles from perpetuating. Generational cycles are highly ingrained. Sometimes as a cycle breaker, you even go a little too far in the opposite direction, and so your descendants may work to swing the pendulum a little bit closer to center. Regardless, I read somewhere that if you are an effective cycle breaker in a family or in an organization, you have likely changed the direction and the toxic patterns in this entity for at least seven generations to come. Being a cycle breaker is a worthy purpose and endeavor, in my book.

+ Major personal decisions should not be made by asking, “Will this make me happy?” but, “Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?” – James Hollis

Eating cookies for breakfast will make me happy in the short term, and this practice will certainly enlarge my physical presence, but overall, this choice only diminishes me. Of course, I am not sure that choosing to eat a cookie is a major personal decision, but unfortunately, these little decisions add up, too. Sigh.

+ “If you ignore it and it doesn’t go away, it’s reality.” – I’m sorry but I don’t know who to credit for this one, but I do think that it is an excellent litmus test. We tend to grow stories in our head that veer far from reality. That little bump on your skin becomes malignant cancer as fast as you can say, “Web MD.” Still, there are things that we know deep down that we have to address. They are the things that don’t go away and they keep pinging you and pinging you harder and harder to address them. I always tell my kids to always take heed of the first lesson that the Universe hands to you because if you ignore that lesson, you will most definitely get bigger, and more dramatic lessons headed your way. Face reality when it is manageable to do something about it.

+ “Our true nature is peace and joy if only we don’t disturb it.” – Swami Satchidananda Remember, the true and real and timeless essence of you, and of me, and of your dog, and of every other living being in this world, is that peaceful, calm, tranquil, unbiased observer and experiencer, in all of us. The observer of your thoughts and your feelings is the real you. The creator of your thoughts is just your ego and your ego has quite the imagination. Your ego likes to stir things up. Whenever you need peace, just take three deep breaths and sit back in the rocking chair of your true self – the unbiased, unfearful experiencer and observer of what’s going on around you and within you. When you are in that space, you can laugh at the drama queen that your ego tends to be.

+ Fun, new words and terms from the Urban Dictionary and other sites like it:

delulu – delusional

solulu – solution

popular loner (also known as background friend) – someone who has a lot of friends, makes a lot of friends easily, but tends to stay on the peripheral

JOMO – Joy of Missing Out. It is a term to remind us to stay in the present moment, instead of constantly checking our phones and/or social media feeds.

+ My favorite quote from a recent, excellent WSJ interview with the actress Natalie Portman:

WSJ: What’s your most prized possession?

Natalie Portman: “I don’t have a prized possession. I have prized humans and prized dogs I love. I am into living beings.”

+ Tape these to your bathroom mirror (good reminders):

“Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.” – Gary Snyder

“You cannot have a happy ending to an unhappy journey.” – Esther Hicks

“All stories have the same finale.” – Daily Stoic

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2105. What do you compartmentalize in your life? (Hint: Compartmentalization is a form of psychological defense mechanism in which thoughts and feelings that seem to conflict are kept separated or isolated from each other in the mind. -Wiki)