Tag: empty nest

Thinky Thursday

I have found that Thursdays are the days on which I am most drawn to writing on my blog. Maybe it’s because I have accumulated a lot in my head throughout the week, and before I chuck it all, and just enjoy my favorite, free-flowing Fridays, I decide that I must record some of what I have experienced and learned for posterity’s sake. (the older I get, the more I find that I must write things down. I probably will end up being one of those little old ladies who lives in a sea of colorful post-it notes, guiding her all along the way.) Speaking of writing things down, I was shopping yesterday, and I overheard two young women talking. The one young lady said to the other, “Oh, I need to get an address book.” And the other said, “For what?” And the first young lady answered, “For the wedding.”

Now this is one of those times that my evil, ever-present eavesdropping got the best of me, and I blurted out, “Girls, I have been married for over 30 years, and I still have my precious little “wedding box”. It’s like a recipe box that holds address cards. I just use colorful notecards to write down new people in my life, and also for the new addresses of the “old people” in my life. I know that we are supposed to computerize everything these days, but I honestly love my wedding box.”

The bride-to-be seemed absolutely delighted by my suggestion (sweet girl). She said, “Oh that’s a great idea! Thank you. I don’t like computerizing everything either.” (girl after my own heart)

Speaking of young ladies, lately I’ve noticed a beautiful trend on a lot of young ladies’ faces. I call it “subtle sparkle.” I have been the unfortunate experimenter of “splashy sparkle” throughout my life, but “subtle sparkle” is so much more lovely, and intriguing. One of my future daughter-in-law’s friends was talking to me, and as we were talking, I noticed her gorgeous green eyes especially. I then noticed just a hint of sparkle on her eyelids and I asked her if she thought that my crepey 54-year-old eyelids could pull it off. She insisted that I absolutely could (sweet, sweet girl) and she told me that it was Fenty Diamond Bomb All Over eyeshadow. Ironically, this same week, a young lady was waiting on me at my local grocery store, and she carried the same kind of intoxicating, clandestine shimmer on her eyelids. She shared with me that her eyeshadow was Moondust by Urban Decay – Space Cowboy. I took this as a sign to buy. I am a true believer that we are never too old for a little shimmer in our lives. Try these out, friends. Let your light shine.

There are two more things that I need to record on the blog this Thinky Thursday: First, I read an excellent article this morning by Sasha Chapin who insists that true charisma is responsiveness. It’s a fact, isn’t it? I immediately thought of the people whom I consider to be the most charismatic people in my life, and what makes them so intriguing is that they are so utterly intrigued with life, and with other people. Sasha says this about one of his own most charismatic acquaintances: “He is remarkably compelling, largely because he seems captivated by everyone and everything around him. Everywhere he goes, there is more ambient energy.” Chapin also says this: “You might dismiss this as a trick, but unless you genuinely love people and are comfortable in your own skin, it’s a really hard trick to pull off.”  Reading this article, I immediately thought of one of the most charismatic people I have ever known. Her name was Jodi and she was a high school friend of mine, and of everyone else’s. She has unfortunately passed away many, many years ago (she died soon after we graduated from high school), but I can still vividly picture Jodi’s sparkly eyes and her bright smile, to this very day. She was probably one of the most popular people in our high school, but not just with the popular crowd. Everyone loved Jodi and I believe that it was because when you were with her, she gave you her full, genuine attention. She was authentically responsive to everyone she met. She didn’t just put on a show. Jodi pulled you on stage, and made you part of her show. True charisma is responsiveness.

And here’s a final fun tip: Earlier this week I read a good article that compared our minds to overworked, overstressed, on-the-verge-of-burnout employees. We all have three elements to ourselves: Mind, Body, Spirit But we humans have a tendency to dump all of our decision making onto our poor, overworked, overstressed, overthinking, overanalyzing, on-the-verge-of-burnout Minds. Our Spirits are subtle. Our intuition rarely screams. Our Spirit prefers “subtle sparkle”, but it always knows what is best for us. And our Bodies are workhorses. Our Bodies go, go, go until they don’t have the choice but to finally scream out in pain. So, in order to give our Minds a break, and to give our Bodies and our Spirits the equal attention that they so full-heartedly deserve, here is interesting way to tune into what our Bodies and Spirits are trying to say to us. Use yourself as a human pendulum. Stand up and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Think of a decision which you are having trouble making, and form this decision as a “Yes/No” question. Now notice if your Body is leaning forwards or backwards. At this moment, your relaxed Body is listening to the “subtle sparkle” of your Spirit. If it leans forward, the answer to your question is “yes.” If your Body leans backwards, the answer to your question is “no.” Now, of course, your overstressed, overworked, over analytical Mind is going to try to immediately take over and call all of this nonsense, but teamwork is dreamwork. Don’t necessarily dismiss what your Mind tells you, but make sure that you don’t dismiss what your Body and your Spirit are trying to tell you either.

That’s all for today, friends. Have a wonderful weekend. Shine on.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

They Both Got Good Ones

This morning on a phone call:

Me: Did you hear that Dolly Parton’s husband died?

My husband: Yes, and when I saw that news I thought to myself, Kelly’s going to dive deep into that one.

He knows me so well. I had already read about a dozen articles about Dolly’s marriage and extremely private husband. They were supposedly opposites, but they loved each other’s company. Dolly called Carl Dean, her husband, her “best friend” and she said that they shared a naughty sense of humor. While Carl Dean hated the limelight and he was, in her words, more of a “loner”, he always supported her decision to be a country music star and everything that comes with that profession. Carl told her that he had picked her, not the lifestyle, and that he would always pick her for the rest of his life. In one video, Dolly (who met Carl Dean when she was just 18 years old, and married him at age 20) spoke of the great comfort it is to come home to someone who clearly knows you, and who loves you for exactly who you are, when everything else is stripped away.

My favorite quote about Dolly and Carl was from a reddit thread from a couple of years ago. One redditor simply said, “They both got good ones.” I think that sums it up perfectly. Maybe for some, that is all that there is, to the simplest, best formula for a happily ever after marriage.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thoughtful Thursday

Kristin Fontana writes an excellent newsletter. She was talking about a conversation she watched between two “relationship experts.” Fontana said that what she got from the conversation was a definition of forgiveness which I have never heard before, but it really resonated with me. (I just knew that it had to come here to be a thought exhibit at Adulting – Second Half. ) Forgiveness is the memory without the emotional charge. Forgiveness is experience alchemized into wisdom.

The concept of forgiveness is a toughie, isn’t it? It’s a confusing concept. It’s hard because many times forgiveness is treated like an “all or nothing.” And there are so many contradictory pity statements floating around out there about forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget.” “Forgive but don’t forget.” “To err is human; to forgive, divine”. “When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”.  Oscar Wilde said this: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” When I looked up quotes about forgiveness, the AI overview said this, “There are many quotes about forgiveness, including the idea that it’s a gift, a constant attitude, and the final form of love.” 

Ultimately, in order to forgive anyone or anything, we must let go of the emotional charge that comes from the memory of the incident or incidents. To let go, we have to be able to detach. To let go, we must be able to trust ourselves to go through the process of alchemizing our experiences, and the emotions that come from those experiences, into wisdom, and then to act on our deeper wisdom going forward. This process is probably one of the hardest lessons we humans ever learn. But when we don’t go through the process of forgiveness, we withhold love and peace from ourselves.

And also from Kristin Fontana’s newsletter, verbatim, is this lovely fable:

According to an old Native American Legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest.

All the animals fled in terror

Suddenly, the Jaguar saw a Hummingbird pass over his head, but it was flying toward the fire.

Moments later, the Jaguar saw him pass again, this time he was headed away from the fire.

The Jaguar asked,
“What are you doing Hummingbird?

“I am going to the lake”,  he answered.
“I drink water with my beak and throw it onto the fire to extinguish it.”

The Jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy?” Do you really think you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”

“No”, said the Hummingbird, “I know I can’t.”
“But the forest is my home, it feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that.
I am part of her, and the forest is part of me.”

I know I cannot put out the fire, but I must do my part.”

At that moment, the forest spirits who listened to the Hummingbird were moved by the bird and its devotion to the forest. 

Miraculously, they sent down a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.

The Native American grandmothers would tell this story to their grandchildren. Then concluded with, “Do you want to attract miracles in your life? Then do your part.”

“You have no responsibility to save the world, or find the solutions to all problems but to tend to your personal corner of the Universe.”

“As each person does that, the world will save itself.”

That’s all we really have to do, right? Do our own teeny part, and then trust the Universe to take care of the rest. The Universe is using each one of us, and our own unique individual gifts and talents, to bring up the whole, but we were also gifted with free will, so that we can choose to fly like the hopeful hummingbird, or we can sit in cynicism like the jaded jaguar. We can be brave enough to feel our emotions and set them free, and then march on with our deeper wisdoms into a brighter and lighter future.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thursday’s Thoughts

+ One time a man told me that life is like a toilet paper roll. It goes faster as you get towards the end. It’s always bothered me to feel the truth in that statement. Today I read an article that stated that it is a common phenomenon for people to feel like time goes faster as we get older, but obviously that’s not true. It’s just a perception. Sixty-minutes was an hour when we were twelve, and sixty-minutes is an hour, now. Scientists believe that this perception comes from the fact that when we are younger we are experiencing a myriad of novel and new complex situations. Everything which we experience is new to us, when we are young. Our brains seem to slow down, in order to process and assimilate all of this new information. As we get older, we are often stuck in familiar routines and we tend to experience far less novelty. We almost get lost in large swaths of time that seem to pass in a blink of an eye. Researchers suggest that if you want time to appear to slow down, add change into your life. Try new experiences and learn new skills. A study was done where they asked teenagers and elderly people to explain the same experience which they all had just gone through together. Teenagers added a lot more detail about what they had all experienced, almost like a slow motion picture. Older people, didn’t recount nearly as much about the experience. Some scientists believe this is about our brains and neural pathways being less pliable as we age, but others think that it is more because when you’ve lived a lot of life, the details of all your experiences kind of all meld into each other, whereas when you are young, each experience is fresh and new, with less to compare it to, so the details of happenings appear more vivid and unique to young people. Apparently, the secret to “slowing down” life (perception-wise) is to take time to notice the details (take time to smell the roses), and to constantly expose yourself to new and unique experiences. In short, we older folks should try not to get “set in our ways”, if we want time not to fly away on us. Friends, slow your roll.

+ For those of you who are feeling a little tired and frustrated, and maybe questioning a passion project that seems to be at a standstill, read this quote by Matt Reilly and decide whether it resonates (I hope that it’s the boost you need, and if the quote doesn’t resonate, then you have your answer – you have found the natural ending of this particular endeavor) – “You haven’t come this far, to come this far.” Keep in mind the parable of the long distance swimmer who was exhausted and just about to give up, when suddenly the clouds lifted, and she realized that the shore was only a few feet away.

+ For those of you who miss my Friday favorites, I am giving you a day early bonus of not one, but two favorites of mine. The first favorite is this really cool, Personalized Engraved Compass that I purchased for my husband for Valentine’s Day from Uncommon Goods. The compass is lovely. It is very good quality, it shipped safely (especially for being a personalized item) and arrived quickly and most importantly, it was quite the hit with my true love! For those way-showers, and True Norths of your own life, consider getting them this: https://www.uncommongoods.com/product/personalized-engraved-compass?srsltid=AfmBOoq_wWwzJvmZGIS_sMfzn7u07IPI5Lempgq593c5ZmlRQU7AGzHN

And my new enthusiastic favorite: Castor Oil I have been experiencing some achy muscles lately, particularly in my neck and shoulders and after reading an article about the wonders of Castor Oil for pain relief and moisturization (and a gazillion other things – the Ancient Egyptians believed that Castor Oil was the ointment of the gods.) I purchased some and I am in awe of the difference I felt, in just one day. Make sure that you get pure cold-pressed, organic castor oil, preferably in glass bottles. (supposedly better). There are many options on Amazon.

“My soul can find no stairway to Heaven other than the beauty of the Earth.” – Michelangelo Buonarroti

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Bubbling Water

“It is the beauty within us that makes it possible for us to recognize the beauty around us. The question is not what you look at but what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau

“Be a fountain, not a drain.” – from the movie The Forge

I see that the original Dr. Scholl’s sandals are making a comeback. I will not be participating. The worst sprained ankle that I ever got as a kid came from tripping while wearing my Dr. Scholl’s. Dr. Scholl’s sandals were a drain on me, not a fountain.

There are a lot of draining people, news, experiences, etc. happening around us these days. It is so easy to feel depleted and overwhelmed. So that is why it is vitally important to stay self-aware. What are you looking at? What are you “seeing”? Are you surrounding yourself with fountains or with drains? What about you? Are you a fountain, or are you a drain to others? Are you a fountain or a drain to yourself? Are your thoughts and actions replenishing, uplifting, refreshing, and coming from deep within yourself, like a fountain? Or are you choosing to do things and to think things that deplete you, leaving you feeling empty and exhausted?

I don’t spend much time on social media. I find it to be more of a drain than a fountain. However, when I want to be uplifted and inspired I like to look at Gregorio Catarino’s feed on X. He mostly posts beautiful, inspiring artwork. Every once in a while he posts captioned art. Gregorio recently posted this picture from Disney:

Be a fountain for yourself right now, and conjure up some of your favorite memories. I had a interesting conversation lately with a group of friends and we all came to the conclusion that our best memories rarely came from the big, well-planned, carefully orchestrated events or holidays in our lives, but more from the spontaneous, out-of-nowhere, surprise gifts of unexpected wonderful moments. When we were reflecting on each of our favorite memories, they tended to be the moments that unexpectedly came together, almost like magic, like gifts showered from above, when least expected. Likewise, when I reflect back on my many travels and vacations, my favorite memories are usually experiences with individuals, or the ambiance of a certain place, or happening upon things that I have never come close to experiencing anywhere else. The tours and the famous sites are interesting, but what sticks out to me, in my fondest memories, are the “fountains” of friendly restaurant owners, and artists whom I only shared the language of awe and appreciation with, or the times laughing with my loved ones, like the time our family was famished and we were all staring at a food elevator in a Chinese restaurant in New York City, salivating like dogs every time that the elevator’s bell rang, praying that the food being delivered was finally ours.

If you choose to be a fountain, and if you choose to look at things more deeply than with just your eyes, you have a better chance at having fun, which alchemizes into your treasure box of your most cherished, beautiful memories. Be a fountain. Be a fountain for others. Be a fountain for yourself. The world can never have enough fountains.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Milly, Freddy, Evie, and me

Recently, I was listening to a really interesting podcast about Internal Family Systems theory. Internal Family Systems focuses on the idea that each of us have many parts to our own selves, and many of these parts have been created by us, throughout our lives, from early childhood on, in order to protect our core selves from situations and emotions and personality traits that we deem as “bad” or “too much” or “overwhelming.” The counselor being interviewed suggested that in order to understand our own actions and reactions, and also to understand the ways in which we go about living our lives, we should try to notice these different parts of our own personalities. She stated that it is okay to even give these personality traits “names” as long as they weren’t derogatory, like calling one of your managers, “Judgy Judy”. Just “Judy” works. (She said that it is vitally important to be compassionate and understanding with each part of ourselves, in order to open up and to understand how we operate, in our everyday lives.) To be clear, the counselor claimed this is not the same as multiple personality disorder, as you fully understand that these are all just different parts and traits of your one true self. You have created these personality aspects, in order to protect, and to deal with, and to manage different situations and triggers that happen in your life.

Firefighters are the parts of us that see everything as an emergency. Firefighters want to diffuse the situation immediately. They want to numb us from big feelings immediately. They aren’t “bad”, they are just reactors (and sometimes over reactors). They are the parts of us who don’t think before we act. Firefighters like the immediate gratification of quick shut downs. Firefighters tend to bring our addictions and obsessions and distractions into the picture quickly.

Managers typically have the same voice as the biggest critics in our lives, such as a controlling parent, or a demanding boss, or an exacting teacher. They are the parts of us that believe that we are only good for what we give and for what we do. Managers aren’t “bad”, they are just controlling. They are the parts of us who believe that we must control everything, in order to be safe. The counselor being interviewed said that our managers tend to be super judgmental and critical of our own selves, and thus also tend to be overly judgmental and critical of everyone and everything else, creating a lonely void and disconnection in our lives. The managers are overly concerned with appearances and images and titles and yet get frustrated when we still feel empty and hollow inside after each achievement. The managers tend to cyclically chase the next big thing. They like to keep us “busy.”

Exiles are the parts of us which we have abandoned. Somewhere down the line, maybe because of past criticisms or experiences that brought us shame, we have decided that these parts of us were too shameful to own as part of ourselves, so we put these parts of ourselves in the dark recesses/dungeons of our minds and we pretend that these things don’t exist. But they do exist. They do not go away. And since we don’t acknowledge them, the exiles have a tendency to come out of nowhere. We then like to project these exiled parts of ourselves on to other people, and then we put our anger and hatred of our own exiled parts, on to the subjects of our projections.

It is important to note that none of these personality aspects are “bad.” We all have these different parts and they were all created out of good intentions. They all just believe that they need to “protect” the Core Self, which ironically is the most serene, safe, connected, pure, authentic, peaceful, aware, “real” part of us who really doesn’t need any protection. They key to using Internal Family Systems theory in order to help you better understand your own actions and interactions in your own life, is self-awareness. Notice and catalog the people and the situations which trigger you. Why is this a trigger? Who comes out the most when you are triggered, your firefighters or your managers? Do your firefighters come out for certain triggers, and do your managers come out for other triggers? Who is mostly leading you through your everyday life (ideally, through enough compassionate and open-minded introspection you will get to the point where your core self is the one who mostly runs the show)? Who or what do you detest the most in life? Can you find any part of our your own self that has some resemblance to that what which you utterly can’t stand (Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.)? Is it possible that your “exiled parts” aren’t really bad but just need redirected or put into situations where they would be treasured and appreciated? (for instance, the counselor talked about working with a lot of ADHD clients, who had spent years being chastised for being the disruptors in their classrooms, and thus they took on the moniker of “f-up” and acted up accordingly. However, when the counselor changed the way that her clients saw their ADHD traits, and asked them to redirect these traits into fields that required manic energy and single-minded focus, many of them became highly successful, and soon embraced the idea of how being “different” actually became their unstoppable superpower.)

This is just an overview. I’m just relaying what I got from the conversation from the podcast. I found it helpful and worth some exploration. Milly, my manager, and Freddy, my firefighter, and Evie, my exile, seem to appreciate the newfound attention and acknowledgment. (wink)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

*******And here’s a bonus, from my lighter, less intense part of myself (yes, she does exist). I have a new favorite to share! I found the owl version of this cup at a local store, and of course, I had to get myself more (a lot more). Go to this website, if you want to have a fun surprise in your everyday cup of coffee or tea. Creature Cups have built in “company”, and fun surprises lurking just below the surface of your drink. Here is where to buy:

https://creaturecups.com/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAzba9BhBhEiwA7glbagoV6IRPaucLZ2JWnCWt1IoxSwiV0-VnmFpYqLYw5E3FRb-8vV0cLxoC7jwQAvD_BwE

Find Your People

Happy Monday after the Super Bowl. I heard on the radio that this is the least productive day of the year. This is not surprising. I am only here being “productive” because I heard a song on one of our regional commercials, (Publix) during the Super Bowl that I had to look up. And now I MUST archive it here at the blog. I now have a new favorite band. Here is the song by Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors:

Here are the lyrics:

You gotta find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
The kind you want to stay up with all night
You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel whole
That won’t leave your side when you lose control
The ones that don’t let you lose your soul

You gotta find your people
The ones that get the joke
Who understand what you’re saying before a word is spoke
You gotta find your people
That put the needle in the groove
When you’re together, you got nothing to prove
When you’re together, you got nothing to lose

In a world of strangers, you don’t know who to trust
All you see is danger, tryna find what you lost
You can’t go in alone, everybody needs help
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

You gotta find your people
That’ll call your bluff
Who’ll ride along when the road is rough
You gotta find your people
The ones that you feel equal
They pick you up and don’t put you down
Help you find your way in the lost and found

In a world of strangers, you don’t know who to trust
All you see is danger, tryna find what you lost
You can’t go in alone, everybody needs help
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

The ones that understand you
The ones that lend a hand to you
The ones that don’t demand anything from you

You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
That tell you the truth then wish you well
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself
You gotta find your people, then you’ll find yourself

As I was researching this, I found out that this band has a lot of amazing songs with amazing lyrics. Listen to “Gratitude” and watch the lyrics. So good.

One of my favorite parts of life is the happy surprises and the least expected, unlikely discoveries that seem to come to you, just when you need them. I never dreamed that this year’s Super Bowl would help me to find a new favorite band. Score!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Next Exhibit

“Nobody can drive you crazy unless you agree to sit in their passenger’s seat.” – Alan Cohen

^^^^^Here’s another one that I had to have for our shared thought museum, here at Adulting – Second Half. How true is this statement? As I am writing this, a squirrel is trying to get Trip (our excitable and infamous, and unfortunately proven, squirrel hunter/killer Boykin spaniel) to fully engage. The daredevil squirrel is tapping on the fence and slowly walking across it, twitching its tail tantalizingly, and frequently pausing and watching Trip, as he cheekily shows off his tricky little tightrope routine/show. Interestingly, Trip is watching calmly and alertly in the backyard, but he is not choosing to engage in what is usually (thank goodness) a fruitless game. Trip is enjoying the plush grass, the still cool air, and his full tummy from the hearty breakfast that he just consumed. He is taking a backseat and allowing the show to go on, without participating in it. The squirrel is annoyed with this, surprisingly. He seems agitated and keeps chirping incessantly at Trip. Apparently, Rocky the squirrel, likes high stakes games of putting his life on the line for the pure thrill and excitement of it. (I truly believe that much like free solo mountain climbers, there is something annoyingly unusual in squirrels’ brains which makes them relatively fearless and antagonizing. My apologies to squirrel lovers, but not really.)

It is nice and surprising to see Trip not jump shotgun into the squirrel’s Ferrari. It shows a healthy side of Trip seldom seen. I believe that this bodes well for a peaceful day for all of us.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

New Exhibit

Here is a new exhibit in the thought museum that I call, Adulting – Second Half: (Ladies, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, wives, boss ladies, this one is especially important for you to take your time with, and to ponder with open hearts and minds):

“If a problem isn’t yours to solve, to do so would be a robbery for the person who needs the accomplishment or the lesson.” – Holiday Mathis

Ooooof. Those of us who consider one of our superpowers as being “helpful”, don’t like to consider the idea that sometimes our “helping” could actually be labeled as “robbery.” We don’t like to think that sometimes what we consider to be helpful, might actually be something more like controlling, or enabling, or arrogant and presumptuous. In short, people who tend to “help” in a codependent manner need every bit as much help as the people whom they believe they are “helping.”

When we do other people’s work, we are stealing the pride and self confidence that they achieve from accomplishing the work on their own. When we swoop in and “fix” other people’s problems, we delay the lessons the Universe is trying to teach them. The irony of all of this is, most of us “helper” types can’t stand to be “helped.” We like to be lone wolves. We can do it all ourselves. Nobody can do it better than us. Don’t try to control us. (And then, if we are honest with ourselves, we sometimes then like to thrash our chests and to lament, “Who cares about me? Who’s “helping” me? I do everything for everybody else, and nobody cares about poor little me.” We rarely think to refocus some of our own “helpful” energy on to ourselves.)

Now help isn’t bad. It is kind and good and positive to support each other through this journey we call life. Life can be hard. We need each other. However, the key difference between “helping” and “enabling” is best explained by the Association of Intervention Specialists: “The key difference between helping and enabling someone is that helping supports positive change, while enabling mitigates the consequences of negative behavior without addressing the underlying issue.”

So, for example, if a friend who is in financial trouble, asks you to help them move to a cheaper apartment, it is helpful and kind for you to assist in that way. But if a friend who is in financial trouble, wants you to help them to continue to pay for expensive rent which is way beyond their means, that is enabling to do so.

True help lifts people up. It helps them to see that they are capable and able and resilient and strong. It supports their own ability to solve their own problems. True help is support that lasts. When we feel confused if we are helping someone, or instead, we may actually be enabling someone, it is always good to check our motivations for our “helping.” Are we trying to control the situation to settle our own fears and anxieties? Are we overly concerned with our image of being a “good” person and focused on what other people may think of us? Are we overly concerned with the outcome, so that if a person whom we are “helping” doesn’t respond to our “helping” in the way that we want them to, we seethe with resentment? Is “helping” someone causing problems and detriment in our own lives and health? If we answer “yes” to any of the questions above, we aren’t being helpful to anyone, ourselves included.

What do you think of the new exhibit? Is it a little bit of “shock art”? Do you recognize yourself in any of it? Are you a helper or a robber? If someone isn’t “helping” you in the way you think that they should help you, is it possible they are actually “helping” you more than you could ever know?

Another addition to this exhibit could be: “When you change perspective, everything changes.” – Jenny Colgan

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Once Again

I don’t know if I am alone in this sentiment, but my Januaries tend to be “fits and starts.” My intentions are always full speed, but then I get sidetracked and waylaid and confused and distracted by my bloodhound of a nose whom I call “Curiosity”, with a mix of affection and annoyance. As much as I feel like I should be taking the direct road ahead, full speed, non-stop into 2025, my self-driving car is quick to take the side roads, seemingly longing for the more interesting, intriguing scenic route.

For me, today feels like another one of those “true starts to the new year.” Today is a new moon and the official start of the Asian Lunar New Year. It is said to be an extremely auspicious day for casting out into the Universe, our deepest intentions for the new year ahead. This is supposed to be a highly transformational, spiritual year, by many beliefs and faiths. It’s a year to embrace mystery and wisdom in equal parts.

The other night when my husband and I were watching a football game that was going really, really south, really, really fast for one of the teams, the announcer, Tony Romo said that it is key in any football game/season, for any football team, to “learn from the past, but don’t live in it.” This is an excellent day to take this advice for ourselves. Take wisdom from our lessons of 2024 and from all of the years prior, but at the same time, look forward to, and embrace, the mystery that 2025 and the years beyond it, have to offer us.

On a different note, I recently read that “forests are the lungs of the Earth.” Isn’t that beautiful? When you are in a moment when you need to center yourself, and just get back to your breath, imagine deeply breathing in a beautiful, serene, ancient forest, and just breathe, along with the steady, wise lungs of the beautiful Earth.

Friends, Happy New Year, once again!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.