empty nest Archives - Page 173 of 179 - Adulting: Second- Half

Jumping to Conclusions

If you really want to test how positive or optimistic a person that you really are, watch your reaction to someone, who you love, not texting you back quickly, or not showing up immediately to a planned get-together.

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My friends and I had a hilarious discussion about our overreactions to everything. I have very smart, creative, imaginative friends, but like all things, being smart and creative and imaginative, can be a blessing and a curse. A friend of ours was meeting a mutual friend, but when she showed up, the friend wasn’t there. She texted the rest of us and said that the friend wasn’t responding to texts or calls. We all started reassuring our friend for about three minutes, but then the texting wildly veered into questions of car accidents, heart attacks, amnesia, early onset Alzheimer’s, passive-aggressive behavior from someone who secretly doesn’t like you, etc. etc. . . . . Turns out, a few minutes later, there was a text back to my friend and it was all just a very explainable miscommunication. Yawn.

Why do we go to over-reactions so often? Any time that I lose something and I can’t find it, before you know it, I am convinced that a very stealthy, clever robber (who probably lives in my attic) has stolen it. It never fails, I find the nail clippers or the pizza cutter, soon after my mind goes to crazy-land. In this particular situation, I know why I over-react. I’ve conditioned myself to believe that when I start blaming other people (real or fictitious) for my own foibles, the Universe will send me a lesson. I’ll find my object (yay!), but I will have the right dose of guilt and shame to punish myself for believing that someone is out to harm me. It’s a lesson that I’ve never fully learned and digested, because I do it to myself, again and again and again.

I wonder if we over-react for the adrenaline rush – the excitement, the flush the that comes to our cheeks, with our hearts pounding. I wonder if we do it to ourselves, because our otherwise normal, day-to-day life seems somewhat routine, dull, and boring. If we over-react, our lives are seemingly filled with mystery, intrigue and diabolical characters, just like the movies.

I always feel stupid and annoyed with myself when I realized I pushed my own panic button. I preach to myself (and to others, if I am honest) to stay in the moment, live in the now, deal with things as they come, but actions speak louder than word, right? I am also annoyed with how my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. Maybe, as a self-professed optimist, I need to take baby steps. I’ll allow myself to still over-think, and to over-hypothesize, but this creative over-reaction must always lean to the positive.

Shiitake on Gossip

On the way to school this morning, my daughter and I were discussing one of her classes that bores her to tears. She said, “You know, Mom, I just don’t give a shiitake mushroom about it.” That got us into a fit of giggling. I think that captures the Monday morning sentiment for most of us. My husband wondered aloud this morning, “I wonder how many people consider Monday their favorite day of the week.” We all agreed that these people would have to be very rare birds. (or mushrooms)

As you know, I am not above perusing gossip columns. (at least I own it) I check out Perez Hilton, radaronline, TMZ, etc. once in a blue moon, or if I am honest, once in a moon of any shape, size or color. I look at these websites to stay light and bemused (and probably to scoff in a tone of superiority – “Why are these people so famous? This is ridiculous” and then I say to myself, “Well, it could be because even middle-aged people like you, who can’t put a name to most of these young celebrities, read these stupid columns for ?!fun?!”). I, of course, go into my reading of the gossip, with a cynical mindset. My shadow side likes to read the Comments to the gossip the best, for the snarky, witty amusements. I, of course, never expect to glean any wise insights from these Comments which more often than not, take any stupid Hollywood gossip straight to the dark, divided road of political and racial issues. So, anyway, imagine my surprise when I actually found the need to write a Comment to a gossip story down in my special, precious wisdom notebook, to ponder myself, and to share with you, my friends and readers.

The story in question which I was perusing this weekend, was gossip about Justin Bieber’s and Hailey Baldwin’s upcoming nuptials. Now I, like a lot of the world, thought that these two were already married, but honestly, I don’t care enough to find out the true backstory. (as if finding out a true story about anything is actually even possible these days – it’s funny to me, that at a day and age of information onslaught, when nothing is seemingly secret or sacred, we know less truth about anything than ever before, but that’s for another blog) The Comments section about this Buzzfeed story, was abuzz with wiseacres putting bets on to whether this relationship would last more than two years. Some romantics really like these two celebrities, and were hoping that the Baldwin/Bieber marriage would last “forever.” Here’s where the wisdom popped out of the Comments section, like a huge gold nugget, in a gold pan otherwise filled with useless silt (or shiitakes gone bad). It was written by the sage user named “violinfemmes” (no “t” on purpose, I guess) Violinfemmes wrote:

“A word to the wise: When you focus on forever, you forget about now, and in a marriage, when you forget about now, you lose your chance at forever.”

Damn. I should ask violinfemmes to be my guest blogger. I believe that this astutely written wisdom, applies not only just to marriage, but to life in general. Damn. Do you know what I took from this experience? I am proud that I take the time to read the gossip. It is like panning for gold, and deeply challenging panning, at that. You know, in the end, I guess that I give a shiitake mushroom about what’s happening in this crazy world around us. Shiitake can be very appetizing and satisfying to devour. Frankly, I’ve always been the weirdo who loves mushrooms.

Not So Dull

When you have a rough start to your week, when everything feels a little bit off the track, getting back to the mundane, “dull” routine, feels wonderful. Laundry, sorting mail, dusting shelves, watering plants, driving to tennis lessons, walking the dogs, planning meals – all of these things are actually a delicious relief and activities to look forward to doing and to completing. When I am emotional, I tend to want to chuck it all, bring it all back to ground zero, quitting everything extraneous and just cling to the basic necessities. That says something about the “necessities” right? Despite considering myself a spontaneous person, I love the structure of my life. I love to scratch things off of my to-do list. Perhaps that is the main point of life’s little emergencies. Perhaps they are nothing more than reminders that the ordinary days are not as banal, and meaningless and non-stimulating as they feel sometimes.

I’ve mentioned before that my new TV addiction is Outlander. In almost every episode, the major characters face huge, yet unique “life versus death” obstacles, suffer major injustices and devastating losses; they go through and yet prevail from serious abuses of power, and at the end of it all, they still manage to look gorgeous and to celebrate with a delicious romp in the bed with each other, making all the right moves and saying all the right words to each other, after experiencing more troubles in just one episode, than anyone in real life, can expect to face in one lifetime. Why do I like the show so much? You would think it would bring up serious questions of my inadequacy. Or maybe getting lost in the fantasy of it all is part of my delicious, conventional, everyday routine? I’m not sure. But for the rest of this week, I am sure that vicarious thrills are quite enough.

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Da-na-na-na-nana-nana

Hey friends! Please don’t worry about me. It’s just that the week has started out with me having to put out a few small fires (not literal ones, don’t worry!). My time is being sucked into the vacuum of necessary, immediate attention. I hope to be back to regular form by tomorrow. In the meantime, as seen in a couple of flower pots:

You’ve Got Mail

Tomorrow is the first day of Autumn. I switched up my wreath on my door to a vivid orange one. I put an orange-red coat of polish on my toenails. As you know, I often compare us Second-Halfers to Autumn, a season which many people consider to be the most beautiful of the year. To celebrate, I’ve decided to send you, my readers, a card. (Keep in mind, I live in Florida. We like cheesy alligator references.)

I have more of these blank cards. So, if you, my very smart and creative friends, could come up with other things to write inside of them, I would love to have your ideas! See you tomorrow!!

Leaning In

I read an excellent article the other day. It is entitled How Emotionally Intelligent People Wisely Deal With Their Problems by Ayodeji Awosika. The whole premise of the article was that to solve your problems, you must lean in to them and tackle them full on. His most highlighted sentence in the article was this:

“Avoidance lets you off the hook in the short-term, but it doesn’t fix your problem, and often the problems you ignore compound and get worse.“

This was my favorite excerpt from the article:

“When you lean into your problems you more or less have this conversation with yourself:

“Okay. This is where I’m at. This is what happened. I’m responsible for the situation and addressing it head-on — while uncomfortable — will lead to either a solution or the peace of mind in knowing I did everything I could to improve it.” “

None of this is earth shattering information. We all know it. Everyone has problems. Everyone has been guilty of keeping their “head in the sand” from time to time. But the author is so correct in saying that the longer we avoid dealing with a problem, often the bigger it grows to the point of sometimes feeling insurmountable. We so often can be our own worst enemies in this crazy game called Life.

I’ll end with Awosika’s words:

“When you lean in, you build emotional muscles that grow as a result of the stress that comes with truly dealing with a problem. Not only can you produce a better outcome, but you get to put a deposit into your confidence & resilience account.

Do this often enough, and you’ll have the reward of being able to say “I’m someone who can handle my life.”

I like the last line: I’m someone who can handle my life. That’s a good mantra.

Fix or Feel

A friend of mine sent some helpful “keeping it all in perspective” one-liners to our group chat yesterday. One of the questions spoke to what is commonly seen as a male’s need to fix a situation versus a female’s need to just talk about the problem and vent. A minister suggested that you ask a person, “Do you want me to fix it or feel it?” The minister said that 95 percent of the time, his wife answers, “Feel it,” so he just becomes the best attentive listener that he can be. I think that I have a tendency to want to do both things for the people I love (feel it deeply with them and fix it right away), in an extreme, instantaneous manner to get everybody back to copacetic as quickly as possible. And then I wonder why they get annoyed with me. I plan to utilize this question more often. It puts me in mind of this hilarious, “Nail in Her Head” video. Here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O11_Ma20Rk

Happy Friday Eve, friends!

What’s In Style

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I remember watching an interesting TV show several years ago. It was a follow-up show to free extreme makeovers people had gotten from the TV show, over a year prior. It was a talk show, maybe Oprah or something very similar to her show. They revisited the people they had given expensive makeovers to, in order to see if the changes had “stuck” and if the changes had made a difference in the people’s lives and self-confidence levels. Interestingly, very few people kept the new style given to them (in the ways of clothes, hairstyles, make-up etc.) Most reverted back to what felt more like “themselves.”

One woman stood out to me. She agreed to get a makeover because her children were embarrassed by her outlandish, sexy style. They were an affluent family. The woman’s original style could best be described as Dolly Parton/Pamela Anderson, on steroids. She had bleached blond hair done up very big, with lots of extensions. She had very long fingernails, all bejeweled. She wore very colorful make-up and plenty of it. She wore so much jewelry that she sounded like a one-person marching band when she walked. This woman seemed to be a very fun, friendly personality and she was “game” to trying a new look. Her kids wanted her to be “toned down.”

The makeover was amazing. The woman was a naturally attractive woman and with the modern, svelte clothes, her straightened, sleek hair, and her overall gorgeous sophistication, the audience couldn’t help but jump up and give her a standing ovation, when she sauntered out on the runway to show off her new look. She glowed in the adoration and seemed genuinely excited to give her look a run for it, in her normal everyday life. But a year later, when the show visited the woman, she was back to her sexy, bosom blonde bombshell self, maybe even more so. She told the host of the show that while it was fine to try on a new persona for a little while, it didn’t feel like it was herself. She missed what she felt was the “authentic her” when she looked in the mirror.

After A Star is Born, everyone raved about how lovely Lady Gaga looked in the movie, au naturel. Her toned-down hippie chick beauty was stunning, yet I read that being in that “form”, was her least favorite part of making the blockbuster movie. She couldn’t wait to get back to her over-the-top shock style that she is known for and what she feels is the essence of her.

Diana Vreeland, long time editor-in-chief of Vogue magazine had a very distinct style. Modeled after Japanese Kabuki theater, she liked to keep her skin very pale, and yet she wore her blush on her cheeks, like two very distinct pink circles. Apparently, while on a flight one time, a well-meaning flight attendant came over and started rubbing Ms. Vreeland’s cheeks, “Here dear, I’ll help you blend your make-up.” It was a story the bemused, authority on fashion, loved to share at dinner parties.

What I take from all of this, is that we all look best when we look in the mirror and we see “ourselves.” No one knows us, better than us and the way to feel totally alive is to be ourselves, completely, from the inside out. Now certainly, if you are representing a company or entity that you work for, you must wear the uniform, but when you are just representing yourself, wear YOUR uniform and wear it proudly with no apologies or explanations needed.

Everlasting Peace

This was posted on Twitter’s Think Smarter today. Is this really true though? We all say that we want peace more than anything, yet so many of our actions vie for attention, appreciation, applause, adulation and approval. Our actions show that we are addicted to the a-words, yet seeking peace outside of ourselves, by depending on what other people do and think, and relying on experiences outside of us to go exactly how we want them to go, almost always never happens. These things are not within our control. Being out of control makes us feel anxiety, not peace. Depending on outside influences and circumstances, does not brings us peace. Why do we always get so confused on this matter?

I think it may be because if we are honest with ourselves, we are more likely to get appreciation, applause, adulation, positive attention, and approval from other people (no matter how fickle and fleeting) than what we give to ourselves. I read this statement recently, scratched in one of my old notebooks:

We are much harder on ourselves than life is . . .

I am currently re-reading one of my favorite spiritual books of all time – The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The premise of the book is that the peace that we are seeking lies within every single one of us, if we get past all of the layers of self-chatter, self-recrimination, judgments, beliefs, fears, pains. If we stop and observe all of that constant self-chatter, we are reminded that there is a very peaceful, non-judgmental observer who is seeing our “monkey mind” at work – the part of us that can actually observe our thoughts. That tranquil, loving observer is inside of every single one of us – the soul/spirit/God part of us, who just quietly experiences everything going on. It watches the things going on outside of us and takes in our physical sensations. It watches our minds and our thoughts, our brains trying to calculate and to make sense of everything, to give everything a story and meaning and a connection to our prior experiences – trying to give the illusion of control. This tranquil observer then experiences the emotions that the thoughts and the sensations from our experiences, evoke in our bodies and in our hearts. It makes no judgments, it makes no conclusions. This tranquil part of us is just aware. It is our awareness. It is our peace and it is always a part of us. It never goes away. We just have to get still enough to remember that it is there for us Always. Be still and know that I am. (Psalm 46:10)

George on Sleep

I slept in late today and it was delicious. I’m still a little sleep foggy. So today, I am going to give the late, great George Carlin my blog platform:

“People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’

If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.”
― George Carlin