Tag: empty nest

What Next??

So yesterday I allowed myself a pathetic pity party.  I thought it felt good at the time, but it got old fast.  I think part of the mopefest was because I’m avoiding the hardest part of the Second Half of my Adulting.  For me (and I suspect for a majority of women in my position), this is the trying to figure out the big ol’ What I Want to Do Next.

I recently saw a picture of a rally in which a woman held a poster that read, “Teach our Daughters to be Somebodies, Not Somebody’s”.  I don’t think any of us made our minds up from the get go, to lose our “somebody” quality.  I take pride in being J’s wife, and my kids’ mom.  But over time, those identities did seem to swallow up most of the whole.  Those identities did seem to make the first half of my adulting simple.  Simple, mind you, not easy.  When your family is young, your purpose is very clear.  Keep the kids alive, keep them fed, keep them focused.  We are a “traditional” family, so my husband is the primary breadwinner and I am the primary “cat herder.”  Now as the cats are starting to leave the herd, there are a lot more options for me.  This is exciting, but also bewildering.

I was a marketing major in college, a textbook sales person before my kids were born and I had a few part-time jobs over the years that were also mostly sales oriented.  So, I suppose a sales job is a possibility.  I had a small accessories business on ebay several years back.  Perhaps I could start my own business again.  My volunteer positions over the years have all centered around my kids’ schools and sports.  Maybe I could branch out in the volunteer realm.  I honestly feel no strong inclination or passion about any of these ideas just yet.

I’m very envious of people who feel a strong lifelong passion for their occupation and/or their hobbies.  I’ve always felt like more of a dabbler.  I tend to lose interest quickly.  I read recently that to find a passion, you should follow your interests.  Learn more about them and see where this leads you.  There are so many gurus these days that advise to follow your heart or to follow your bliss.  But if you have spent a lot of your life filling your heart with your family and following your family members’ bliss, it’s puzzling at first to find your own pathway back to your own bliss.   So, I will take baby steps in getting to know me again.  What are my interests?  What are my favorite things to do just for me? What books/music/activities/foods really speak to me and how can incorporate these things into my second half?

Just like when my kids were born, I long for a detailed instruction book to guide  me on exactly what to do, step by step, with guaranteed results.  You’d think by my Second Half, I would have figured out that those instruction manuals really don’t exist, at least not in a traditional sense.  I guess that I am going to have to trust that my internal life manager who has gotten me this far, will lead the way, if I just remove the impatience and fear that is clouding the path.

Adulting – Second Half

Today is the first day of my second half of “adulting.”  Some people would say, “Whoa Nelly!  Don’t jump the gun!”  You see, my eldest child, my 22 year old son started his new adult life today, but I still have three kids in the cooker.  That said, I’ve always been one to look ahead and I think I saw the writing on the wall when my eldest got his driver’s license.  The fact that this new phase of my life was right around the corner became even more evident when he went off to college, which involved study abroad and internships in which he lived far, far away and came through the experiences alive and well and an even better, more interesting young man than he was before the adventures.  So obviously, I see where this is going with the rest of my brood, soon to be following suit.

I had my eldest son when I was 25.  I have spent most of my adult years being a mom.  “Mom” has been my primary title, identity and structure of my life until yesterday when I “let” one little birdie fly the nest.  At that moment, I felt that structure crack a teeny little bit.  Seeing my son off to his new adult life was surreal and sort of anti-climatic.  You drop your child off at his new apartment, you wish him luck on his first day of his exciting new job, you make sure he has groceries and you sit on your hands and wallet, knowing that he can well afford his own groceries now and your major work with him is done.  Your part of the masterpiece has mostly concluded and your role has changed from nurturer, teacher, mentor, protector, provider to mostly now, just an excited observer.   The scale has slowly shifted from predominantly shared adventures to now sharing with each other our mostly individual adventures.

As any parent having gone through this transition knows, the mixed bag of emotions being felt is tumultuous and almost undefinable.  I have heard that we can fit all of our emotions into four simple categories:  mad, glad, sad and scared.  Well, I’m here to tell you that it is possible to feel all of those emotional categories all at once and deeply!

I have started this blog for me, but if it is helpful to others that would be grand.  I have always felt that when people truly share what is really on their hearts, the world is a little less lonely.  I don’t know where my second half of adulting leads me but I am certainly in the contemplation stage.  And this new stage of my adventure is probably very similar to my son’s new experience – exciting, scary, exhilarating, freeing, introspective and necessary for us both to further develop into what we are meant to be in this mystery called Life.