empty nest Archives - Page 161 of 168 - Adulting: Second- Half

G and G

I love the writing of Kelly Corrigan. I just binge read two of her books which I faintly remember reading, at least snippets of, before. (on an aside, don’t you love the word “snippet”? It’s a great, fun word. It would make a really good, cute pet’s name. Snippet, come here, boy!) The first book of Kelly Corrigan’s books that I just read, is actually her latest book, entitled Tell Me More. One of my favorite chapters in that book is “No”, in which she talks about evolving to understand how important it is to cultivate the ability to say “no.” Kelly’s mother has perfected the ability to say “no”, to the point of an exact science. In Kelly’s words:

“My mother had her own mind and she used it. . . . She didn’t demand her way, but she didn’t pretend to be without preference either. . . . Very few people I’ve known are able to set themselves free the way my mother has. Liberated by the simple act of saying no – which I submit is impressive for any woman, and downright radical for one raised in the Nice’n Easy generation – my mom had always been able to find outs where others could not. Looking back, I think it came down to her impressive willingness to be disliked and her utterly unromantic position that people should take serious – if not total – responsibility for their own happiness.”

When Kelly Corrigan was growing up, her parents were, in many ways, polar opposites. Her father was an easy-going, extremely loving, extroverted sports fanatic. Her mother was the practical, no fuss/no muss sort who was introverted to the point of preferring a “Party of One.” They usually drove separate cars to all outings, including church and family gatherings. The second Kelly Corrigan book, which I just devoured in a little over a day, was called Glitter and Glue. Glitter and Glue is a name Kelly’s mother came up with, for the style in which she and her husband parented and raised up their family. Kelly Corrigan’s dad was the “Glitter” and her mom, was the “Glue.” Kelly didn’t come close to fully appreciating the “Glue” part of the equation, until she became a female head of household, herself.

We all need “Glitter and Glue”, don’t we? Too much glue, and we are just a gloppy, boring puddle of mired down rules, and rigid necessities, but without the glue, the glitter has nothing to stick to, nothing to help it shine. It just falls to the ground in a difficult to clean up, spread out, pointless, formless mess. Now that we are in our Second Half of Adulting, we now have to do a lot of our own self-parenting. Our own parents are getting up there in age, or are sometimes even gone, and our children have grown past the need of tireless, uninterrupted daily parenting. We need to take responsibility for our own needs now, and part of that includes parenting our own selves with a strong foundation of glue (our habits, our beliefs, our routines), and yet, a sparkle of glitter that makes it all fun and exciting and seemingly, more worthwhile and meaningful. Because in the end, Kelly Corrigan’s mother is absolutely and totally correct. We are all completely responsible for our own happiness, as “unromantic” as that seems.

“Learn to say no. And when you do, don’t complain and don’t explain. Every excuse you make is like an invitation to ask you again in a different way.” – Kelly Corrigan, a takeaway from her friend’s three years and $11,000 worth of therapy

Star Wars

My family, friends and regular readers know that I faithfully read my horoscopes every day. Cue in the prayers for my soul, from my more traditionally religious friends, family, and readers. Cue in the sighs for my naivety, from my more intellectual friends, family, and readers. Cue in prayers and sighs and tongue clucking, from the smartest and most religious among them all. Cue in the eye rolls from my kids. Cue in the cute wink from my patient, amused, “totally gets me” husband.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I feel the need to warn you all, that today’s stars forbode angry tempers among all of the signs. There is a Pluto-Mars opposition that only occurs once a year, happening today. According to the stars and the scopes, it is likely to be an edgy, ornery day for all of us. So, my advice is to take a few breaths before you react to anything or anyone. My advice is to respond calmly versus reacting, reaction-ally. My advice for today, is to think before you speak, give others the benefit of the doubt, and protect yourself from undue toxicity.

Now some would argue that this is good advice to heed any day of the week or of the year, for that matter, and I concur. See, my point is proven. Is reading your horoscopes such a bad thing or is it just a reminder, on a daily basis, to be your best self, while also providing an explanation and an excuse, when you are not quite your best self? All bases are covered. You are welcome.

“The only day to watch is Tuesday when Mars squares Pluto, a combustible situation. Friends or team members could be ornery, so sit tight and let this pass.” – My Stars

“Tempers could flare on Tuesday, when warrior Mars forms a combative square (90-degree angle) to controlling, domineering Pluto. Fortunately, this challenging transit only comes around once a year, but when it does, a clash of egos could quickly escalate into an epic showdown. People will be hotheaded and ready to sting, and even the most enlightened among us won’t be able to totally dodge the intensity. If emotions are intensifying, step out for some air instead of getting sucked into the drama. Socially, beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing. That quiet observer could be an undercover competitor with a secret agenda—or not! But since it’s going to be hard to tell near Tuesday, keep your cards closer to your vest. Mars and Pluto are the lusty co-rulers of Scorpio—and in a combustible square, they can stoke passion. Simmering attractions may explode, but they might also get complicated quickly. Rule of thumb? Get a grip before you strip.” – Astrotwins

Morphing

I fear, as I age, that I am becoming more and more “set in my ways”. This is something that I swore to myself, that I would never become. “Set in my ways.” To me, “getting set in my ways” is as ugly a sign of aging, as the ever increasing age spots that appear to be multiplying on my body at an exponential basis. Two age spots have just appeared on my left hand, I noticed, as I just glanced down at my hands, resting on the keyboard.

Daylight Saving Time (there is officially no “s” after Saving, btw) has thrown me for a big old loop. And this is annoying, because this fall end of Daylight Saving Time, is the one part that I used to actually always like, and to look forward to, but now, I notice that this particular Daylight Saving Time has just made me feel grumble-y. I am kind of annoyed that it is now light outside when I drive my daughter to school. I miss the darkness that helped to camouflage my bedhead, my crooked glasses, and my smeared mascara running down the side of my cheek that is typically more wrinkled than the other side of my face because I sleep on my side, much to the chagrin of my perfectionist dermatologist. The mask is off, and all of my morning imperfections are bared for every sneering, judgmental teenager to see.

Since the clocks fell back, everything feels just not quite right. Everything feels just a little “off.” When I was younger, I think that I just rolled with things a little bit better. Or maybe I wasn’t as perceptive. I didn’t notice as much. Maybe life was more of a blur when I was younger. Maybe I wasn’t quite as introspective and self aware back then. I’m almost 50. I’ve accumulated a lot of moments in life. I’ve learned that change is inevitable and I am not really in control of almost anything. I dropped that delusion a while ago. (well, maybe I still hang on to that illusion of control, here and there, but at least I am now aware that I’m delusional)

I had lunch with a good friend of mine the other day. We have known each other for thirty years. Lately our lunches center around the game of, “Is this normal?” Like, for instance, my hips are achy almost every single night, “Is this normal?” And then when she cops to achy hips, too, I feel sorry for her and greatly relieved, all at the same time. I imagine that if I called her up right now, somewhere in the conversation, I would sneak in, “Daylight Saving Time really messes with me more than ever. Is this normal?” And being a good friend, whether she honestly feels this way or not (although I suspect that she does), she would say, “Oh yes. I hope that the Florida legislature abolishes it soon. It really messes with my circadian rhythms, more than ever. I’m a mess.” And then I would smile with her, knowingly and appreciatively.

Yep, those are the kinds of conversations I have now with my friends. “Never Have I Ever” has morphed into “Is This Normal?” so fluidly, that I’m not even sure, exactly, of the precise moment when the game changed. And change irritates me now more than ever. I feel grumble-y, even after a restful weekend, with an extra hour of sleep. Is this normal?

“Oh, my ways are strange ways and new ways and old ways, And deep ways and steep ways and high ways and low, I’m at home and at ease on a track that I know not, And restless and lost on a road that I know.” – Henry Lawson

Satiation

“Happiness is not the same as pleasure. Pleasure is an immediate experience, very transient in nature, that’s enjoyable, and if we experience a great deal of it – there’s a sense of satiation.” –Frederick Lenz

After a delicious, lingering, multi-course meal last night, and an enjoyable cool and crisp walk to our car, feeling the first hints of autumn breaking the ridiculous summer heat that we’ve experienced for what feels like an eternity, and then falling into a deep, dreamy sleep with the understanding that we got a guilt-free bonus hour of pure rest last night, the only thing that I could think of this morning was the word “satiation”. So, I looked up quotes on being satiated.

writing-gives-words-my-feelings-indeed-gives-me-sense-peace

May you feel satiated this morning, my dear friends and readers. May you feel satiated with everything that brings you pleasure. Good books to read; good shows to watch; good, warm fur to pet; good slippers to comfort your feet; good family and friends to laugh with; good, hot coffee to warm your inners; good, crusty pastries to pleasure your tongue; good, warm sunshine to bask in; good, interesting sights to see; good, soothing, long, baths with good, clean, sweet smelling soap; good music in your eager, discerning ears, good news in your inbox. May you feel completely, utterly satiated with the goodness of Life. And may you bask in that satiation.

Candy Comes in Handy

Happy Halloween, friends!!! I remember years ago when I was just a kid, writing for the school newspaper, I decided to write about the history of Halloween. Despite all of the work that I put into the article, (this was before the internet/Wikipedia, I actually had to go to the library to research and spend daunting hours sifting through the card catalog and then, musty books) the article was a dud. Even I don’t remember what it said, or what the history of Halloween really is, because the reality of it all is, nobody cares. Holidays, like Halloween, are whatever anybody wants it to be. Little kids will not just wear their ninja and princess costumes, they will BECOME ninjas and princesses. Staunchly religious people will see Halloween as an evil holiday that serves only to worship the devil, and they will shut themselves off behind tightly closed doors and keep their lights out. Closet stage designers will use Halloween as a time to creatively turn their suburban McMansion into an even more elaborate version of Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Stressed out middle-agers will use Halloween as an excuse to blow off steam, and to eat and to drink, to all excess, hiding their stress behind goofy, all in good fun, costumes. Wiccans will likely incorporate more serious ceremony into the day.

Like all things, Halloween all comes down to the perspectives, and the projections that we put on to it, all coming from our own unique life stories and experiences and teachings. And the funny thing is, each Halloween, every year, may be a little different for each of us, depending our moods, on the age of our kids or grandkids, if we are invited to costume parties, and just our own mindset. No matter how you decide to celebrate or to not celebrate Halloween, I hope that this year’s Halloween exceeds all of our best expectations. (I know that I personally have bought some extra bags of candy this year. Even if we don’t get the big crowd of trick-or-treaters coming to our home that I am hoping for, there are no doubts that the candy will NOT go to waste.)

Partial List

A Partial List of Random Things That I Love:

Remembering something that you were looking forward to (like a book release or a TV series drop or something that you had ordered) that you had temporarily forgotten about and getting excited about it all over again.
A really, good smooth writing pen – extra bonus if it was a free pen given away at a really cool place or at a memorable event.
A really thick, intriguing looking magazine.
Unscheduled days full of whimsy.
Serendipity.
Stories told by little kids, and watching their minds and imaginations churning, as they continue to embellish their stories.
Witnessing random acts of kindness.
Feeling the sweet relaxation of total surrender.
Hitting every green light.
My dog, Josie, “helping” me make my bed.
Twix bars.
The magic, transformative power of sunglasses. (you get a different attitude with every pair, trust me on this)
Total trust in your hair stylist.
Trick-or-treaters, particularly the ones who really take their costume to a whole new level and “become” the character they are dressed up to be.
Rain cancellations that you were secretly hoping for.
Laugh lines next to kind eyes.
The rare nights that all six members of my family are sleeping peacefully under one roof.
Almost all Italian food.
Feeling like my digestive system is actually working efficiently and correctly.
People who take their jobs seriously.
People who dare to start new things, like clubs and companies and events.
Guest stars on Saturday Night Live who really give it “their all.”

These are just a few things to came to my mind in less than ten minutes. I dare you to do your own list today. You’ll be amazed at every little thing that holds meaning and happiness for you! Maybe if we were required to come up with one of these love lists with every to-do list that we write, the stuff on the to-do list wouldn’t seem so daunting or banal or meaningless. The love list is more fun to come up with, that’s for sure.

“There are three kinds of people in this world: 1) People who make lists, 2) People who don’t make lists, and 3) People who carve tiny Nativity scenes out of pecan hulls. I’m sorry, there isn’t really a third category; it’s just that a workable list needs a minimum of three items, I feel.” – Mary Roach

My Favorite Story

Dear Children,

I want to tell you a story. I think that you may have heard variations of this story before, but it’s a good story. It’s worth hearing again. Once upon a time, about thirty years ago, an eighteen-year-old girl met a twenty-year-old boy, up on a hill, on the girl’s first weekend, away at college. The attraction between the boy and the girl was instant. There was a fiery pull towards each other from the very start. The relationship was young, so of course, it had its fair share of dramas and petty break-ups and make-ups, as many young relationships, made up of passionate, stubborn, youthful people, often do. But somehow, the Universe knew what it was doing, and it did its part to keep the magnetic pull between these two people, a stronger force than any other kind of force that would ever try to keep them apart. Twenty-five years ago, on this very day, these two young people got married and started out on what would become an amazing shared life adventure, one like they could never have imagined.

Marriages are a co-creation of life with Life. This marriage had many co-creations: the marriage relationship itself, four incredible children, adventures in moving and exploring and vacationing, shared extended family, shared friendships, cozy homes and gardens, shared pets, shared championing of and patience for, each other’s individual personal growth, shared adversity and painful moments, and shared triumphs and glories. That is what marriage is, shared Life. I think what made this particular union so successful and loving for all of these years, was that the boy and the girl (now a man and a woman) understood the most important part of that sharing, that part being a shared devotion and appreciation and understanding of each other’s sacrifices and commitments that make the union a strong, powerful force to be reckoned with. This union is a safe haven for them and for their children, to always be able to come home to, and to rest and to renew in its kind, empowering nourishment. Nothing was more important to the man or to the woman than what they had created together. They understood that about each other and thus, the man and the woman both felt fiercely loved and treasured and honored and cared for, and there is no better feeling in the world, than that feeling. It is everything that these two lovers want for their children and their grandchildren and for the generations to follow them.

This story is still playing out, but I think the moral of the story will remain the same. Believe in love. Live love as an action. Be in awestruck gratitude when you find someone who is willing to give to you every part of their very self, for the rest of their lives. Know that there is no greater gift that they could give to you. Honor and respect and reciprocate that gift. The gift of Love grows and grows when it is nurtured, and that blooming of Love is where the greatest treasure, out of all of Life’s wonderful treasures, is truly found.

I hope that you enjoyed this story, my dear loves. I know that it is my favorite story of all time and for all of eternity.

Lessons from the New Car

Sometimes I think that I read into everything maybe a little too much. I am always looking for the story, the meaning, the lesson, etc. behind everything that happens in life. I preach to myself and to others about letting life just happen, to just experience life, to let it be, etc., but that all is easier said than done. For instance, I got a new car over the weekend and I absolutely love it, but once again, my mind started garnering lessons for me to glean from the experience of driving and taking care of the new car.

I find myself wanting to keep my new car in pristine condition. When I turned in my old car to the dealership, it was clear that a lot of life had happened in that car. It was decidedly NOT in pristine condition. Not even close. But at one time my old car had been new to me and at one time, I had wanted to keep that car in immaculate condition. I had once felt about the old car what I feel about my new car right now.

So here’s where “the lesson” comes in for me. Why do we get so excited about the novel, brand new, untouched things in our lives, but start quickly taking the other things for granted? It’s not just the material things that we do this with, either. We are careful and kind and excited when we start new jobs, or get new pets or start new relationships with people and clubs. We want to be at our best in these new situations, putting our best foot forward, wanting to impress and show our “worthiness”, but after a while, the freshness wears off, and our laser focus stars honing in on all of the negativity and the things that we don’t like. The new situation isn’t “special” anymore and it is just another thing in life that we have to take care of and maintain, often with a tinge of chagrin and agitation and sometimes even, disrespect and carelessness.

I even thought about this concept in the context of my body. At almost 49 years of age, I have had many life cycles in this body. My body has helped me to bring forth four people into this world. It has allowed me to walk miles and miles through places and adventures that have made my life so interesting and expansive. My body has allowed me to share a deep physical and spiritual intimacy with my husband, showing me what true ecstasy is all about. And I have had many cycles of taking good care of my body until I have given way to excesses or laziness, only to get frustrated that my body isn’t allowing me to do what I want to do, or not looking the way that I want it to look, despite my lack of care or concern for it.

So, I have decided that while I am focused on wanting to keep my new car as immaculate as possible, I think that I will extend this spotlight on to other areas of my life that probably could use my attention and my care and my excitement and my gratefulness. I think that I will direct some of this targeted care to things that are perhaps a tad bit more important and likely to stay with me, much longer than my current new car will ever be with me. My overactive mind, always seeking the lesson, might be something that deserves my appreciation right now. My mind is making me see everything in my life, in a whole, new, fresh light – not just the car.

My Gallant Ride

Good-bye my sweet, precious, white pony. Thank you for all of the rides. The wonderful freeing rides, with the wind whipping at my face, my hair flying in all different directions, like flames flickering from my very alive and flowing mind. Thank you for making me feel very vibrant and free, at a time when I was at one of my lowest times – a time when I had been brought down to my knees and was building myself back up from the smoldering ashes of what had once been, my former life. Thank you for helping me to stoke that flicker of rebelliousness, carefree-ness, and vitality into an alive, glowing flame, inside of me again, reminding me that it is actually quite fun and interesting and daring, to be me. You have my gratitude for letting me take my moods out on you. You diffused my anger and frustration, like nothing else could, when I dared you to take whipping turns and change your regular gait to high speeds, in seconds flat. You allowed for my tears, when I took long, solemn rides, to calm my sad heart, when I was feeling down and uneven. Thank you for all of the safe travels on the often untraveled, mysterious roads going to destinations, both unknown and sometimes far away. I will always be grateful for the attention that you helped me to garner, at a time when I was feeling bland and anonymous and small. Thank you for helping me to dare to dream again. Thank you for patiently letting me ride you, slowly and hesitantly, on the bumpy road back to a big part of myself, which is now healthfully growing strong and proud and spirited. I will never forget what you did for me. Safe travels on your next journey, my sweet, little, precious white convertible. You did you job so very well!

Keeping It Casual

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpHeEiVTALU

Meredith’s Casual Friday Outfit

Happy Friday! Happy Favorite Things Friday!!! New readers, I don’t get deep and reflective on Fridays. On Fridays, I keep it light and airy and I typically list about three favorite things, songs, books, websites, ideas, etc. that keep my life humming. I ask you to list your favorites in the Comments sections, because favorites are fun!! Fridays are fun!!! Please see previous Friday posts for more favorites. Here are today’s favorites:

Dove Lavender and Coconut Milk Whipped Body Cream – This product is one of Allure Magazine’s Beauty Best Buys. The way to my heart is through my smeller. (“The nose . . . it always knows.” – Toucan Sam) This concoction is amazingly good smelling and very emollient, which is key because I hate to break it to you, but Winter is Coming!

Bath and Body Works Brown Sugar & Fig Fine Fragrance Mist – Someone told me that fig perfume is very alluring. Despite having a shelf full of perfume, I couldn’t resist just one more. I started out cheap and figured that I could work my way up. Well, I don’t have to because the first day that I wore this scent, I received a compliment on it. Cha-ching! This is a lovely, light, fall feeling scent and it won’t break the bank.

CurlyGirlDesign.com – These cocktail napkins are one of the many products available on this wonderful, inspiring, fun and empowering gift boutique website. My book club friend gifted me these napkins, perhaps a decade ago and I have never used them, because I love them so much. It means so much to me that she “knew my heart.” When you give one of your friends a gift from this website, she will feel the same connection and care.