Tag: codependency

Surrounded by Cranks

Yesterday, everyone in my orb seemed to be cranky. My husband was a grump all day. Most of the texts that I received throughout the day from family and friends were predominantly a litany of complaints. A man who had come to do some pressure washing at our home, had his pressure pump break in the middle of the job, and he was angry! I had a phone call with my irritable youngest son that was not pleasant. In short, I was surrounded by cantankerous energy and there was no escaping it.

In years past, being the spongy person that I am, I would have turned myself inside out trying to change everyone’s moods, mostly for my own comfort. If they all got into better moods, then their grey clouds wouldn’t overtake me. Also, in years past, I might have just succumbed to joining the Cranks Club. In my younger years, I had such loose boundaries that my motto might have been “Mi Mood-a, Su Mood-a”.

But at the ripe old age of 52, with a lot of reading and soulful introspection, I have grown. I no longer try to change anyone’s moods. I have my own fair amount of grumpy days and I am entitled to them. I don’t believe in “toxic positivity.” To stay healthy, you must feel (feel, not ruminate on nor marinate in, but definitely feel) your feelings, in order to free them. Ignored, stuffed, denied feelings have a way of turning into emotional explosions and illnesses and disorders. However, I also now make the strong effort to no longer take on anyone else’s moods. Yesterday, I, myself, was having a positive, serene, enjoyable day, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take that away from me.

In our parts, we have been enjoying the most beautiful crisp, clear, cool evenings for the last few weeks, with the perfect view of Venus and Jupiter coming closer together every single night. We walk our dogs most nights, but last night I wasn’t ready to go back into the house, after our walk. I hopped on to my bike and I invited my grumpier half to come along if he wanted to, and so he did. (Mostly my husband came along on our bike ride because he doesn’t think that my bike is well-lit enough. He’s protective, even when he is ornery.) And it was so lovely and peaceful and quiet and still and centering. My husband remained silently grouchy, but he enjoyed the excursion. I remained happy and grateful and cheery, and I enjoyed the excursion. And then we came home, we went to bed, and we woke up to the blank slate of our individual rested selves, fresh and ready to start a new day, on the first day in a hopeful new month, in the early parts of a lovely new year.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Get Your Sh*t Together, Portia

I am an ardent fan of this new season of The White Lotus. Sunday’s finale can’t come soon enough, even with everything that I need to be getting done this week. If you are squeamish about sex and nudity, avoid the show, but otherwise, indulge! The White Lotus is so intriguing and the characters are fascinatingly flawed, and thus extremely interesting to get to know. Jennifer Coolidge plays Tanya, the only main character from the first season to return. Tanya is an insecure, emotionally immature, aimless, only child who has inherited half a billion dollars. She is ridiculously needy and oblivious. In short, no one really should take any advice from Tanya, but in the scene below she doles out advice to her assistant, Portia. Her bottom line is “Get your sh*t together, Portia.” (I imagine that this line is quickly going to become one of those cultural meme taglines, if it isn’t already)

There was a time in my life, that if I were Portia, I would have thought, “You must be kidding, Tanya. Who the hell are you to ever tell anyone to get their sh*t together?” I would have scoffed and brushed it off quickly. In short, I would have “shot” the messenger.

However, I am older and wiser now. Some of the best advice I have ever gotten has come from people who have learned things the hard way, through difficult experiences. Their advice comes from an earnest hope to help others avoid the same miserable difficulties which they have gone through. Experience is always the best teacher, but if you can vicariously learn from other people’s experiences, this really helps to dodge some scary bullets. As an eldest child, I have always felt a special empathy for my own eldest child. The eldest child tends to make a lot of mistakes that the younger siblings (if they are smart) learn to avoid making themselves.

For years, trying to work through “stuff” on my own, I avoided therapy. I was told that therapists just went to school to study psychology in order to fix themselves. I wasn’t going to take any advice from any messed up person who needed fixing. But then I lived long enough to realize everyone needs some fixing. I have never met one person in my life who has all of their “sh*t together” in every facet of their lives. So then it occurred to me that perhaps it is not such a bad thing to get advice from a person who is self-aware enough to admit that they need some fixing, go to school for it, and then try to help others with their gained knowledge. So back in the 1990s, I went to therapy for the first time, and I learned all about narcissism, boundaries, gaslighting, codependency, etc. And now I look at the internet and I see that the whole world is just catching up to these terms and their meanings, which helped me immensely, decades ago.

The gist of this post is “Don’t shoot the messenger.” But don’t put the messenger on a pedestal either. The messenger, no matter who they are: a therapist, a minister, a priest, a yogi, a rabbi, a writer, a relative, a friend, a boss, a mentor etc. is just another flawed human being, just like you and me. Trust your own intuition. If the message resonates deeply, the message is meant for you to learn from it and to gain knowledge and wisdom from it. If the message seems a little “off” to you, trust your inner judgment, even if the message is coming from someone whom you deeply respect. Messages often come from the most unusual, and unlikely sources. And don’t discount good messages either, just because you later find out that the messenger was not the perfect angel of God whom you had built them up to be. (That’s on you.) The message itself was always the gold that shows you that the answers that you need, are always deep inside of you, yourself. The messengers whom we come across in life are just people, who are working on their own sh*t, who are used as the vehicles to pass on this gold of unveiled understanding and wisdom that resonates from the depths and the portals of our own souls.

So I say to you (and to me) today, “Get your sh*t together.” If you feel like this message resonates, run with it. If not, discard it. And know that I am just a writer, a scribe, a person with a passion for the written word. I have my merits and I have my warts, but my message is its own separate entity. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Lifeboat

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Last night, before falling asleep, I was scrolling through Twitter and I came across a story that gave me pause. A woman had posted that she had spent the last forty-eight hours wondering if her addict was even still alive. Luckily, he was found unharmed. She posted a picture of herself crying, and she asked her followers this:

Can someone please tell me it’s going to be okay . . .

In a matter of just a few hours, over four hundred people wrote back to her, with kindness, love, deep empathy, and for the most part, the same message, just written in different words. The gist was this:

It’s going to be okay, but you can’t fix this for him. You have the power to save yourself, and no one else.

Many of us who love alcoholics/addicts have had to let this message really sink in. Many people who answered the woman’s question suggested Alanon. Alanon is a great organization. It is geared towards focusing on the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and most of us go to our first Alanon meeting hoping that we will get a written, step-by-step guidebook on how to “fix” our addicts. It’s shocking, and at first, somewhat deeply deflating to hear the truth: You can’t do anything to help someone in denial, or who really doesn’t want to change. You MUST take care of yourself. You must take all of the energy that you have been putting towards your addict, and you must refocus it on to yourself.

This is a short article that explains an addict’s thought process better than most I have ever read (and I have read a lot):

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-an-addict-21927#toc-experiencing-consequences

All of the tools in the world, i.e. therapists, ministers, self-help books, rehab, 12-step programs, yoga, family interventions, affirmations etc. won’t do a lick of good for the person who is not deeply invested in using these various tools in order to help themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes alcoholics and addicts don’t want to be “helped.” And being overly invested in “fixing/helping/changing” someone else and their lives, is its own form of addiction called codependency.

When you wake up to the realization that someone you love is deeply entrenched in alcoholism or addiction, I liken it to realizing that you and your loved ones are on this scorched earth, burning island. You, in your newly awoken state, realize that you can no longer live in denial of the destruction and the damaging fires. You realize that there’s a lifeboat, and you jump on it and you desperately try to get your loved one to get on to that lifeboat with you. But, unfortunately, your addict may not want to get on to the lifeboat. They may try to pull you into the water, where you both will drown. They sometimes want and choose to stay on the burning island, and they are angry that you longer want to be there, pretending that all is well. It’s heartbreaking to get on the lifeboat by yourself, but it is the only choice available, that at the very least, saves one life. It is the only choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for anyone involved that there is a way off of the burning island. And as the example I read last night, with hundreds of responses in a matter of just a few hours, you are not alone, floating on your lifeboat. There are many, many of us, floating in these wavy waters with you, willing to give a helping hand, and full of understanding, from our knowing, pained hearts.

****Readers, I choose to keep the identities of the addicts in my life private. I assure you that everyone in my immediate family is healthy and well, at this time. Thank you for your love, understanding and concern.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

ICF

“Help is the sunny side of control.” – Anne Lamott

I think that I will be having to learn the “help/control” lesson for the rest of my life. I try to absorb the lesson. I really do. And it’s not that I believe that I am the “Great and Powerful All-Knowing Oz”, although I am positive that’s how I come across to the deeply loved others in my life, many times. (Thank you for still loving me. I’ve heard, “Don’t worry, honey, we know your heart,” from more than a few of you, for more than a few times.) For me, it’s more that so many of my own life lessons have come by the hard way, with a lot of experiences, and books read, and fervent prayers, and deep meditation, and intensive therapy, that I want to believe I can transfer all of that hard-earned knowledge and skills to my loved ones, in the form of quite a few simple, but bossy edicts, so that all of those who I care about can experience “free and easy”, sooner than I ever did. And even closer to the truth, I want to feel safe from the pain of seeing my loved ones get hurt, from experiences that I feel could have been easily avoided and “fixed”, if they would just let me in, to take over the wheel.

It’s really hard to stay in our own lanes and watch others who we care about struggling in their own lanes with problems, that from our point of view, look relatively simple to fix. It’s really easy to focus on other people’s problems in order to not have to put the microscope on our own selves. Other people’s problems aren’t nearly as hidden and painful and shameful and daunting and emotionally charged, to us, as our own problems. Still, if another adult is struggling in their own lane, and we offer to help them, and they refuse, we must honor that. We must wish them well, and be on our way, driving down the lane of our own life’s path. At the same token, we must keep good boundaries, protecting our own lane, so that we don’t allow other people’s problems and issues and insecurities, to spill on to our own paths, causing obstacles and hazards and trauma, which are not our responsibility to deal with.

It was a hard, hard pill to swallow, when I finally faced the lesson that a lot of my “helping” wasn’t completely out of the pure goodness of my heart. A lot of my “helping” of others, came from out of my own fears. And when I am fearful, that’s when my Inner Control Freak comes roaring out, like a ten foot tall Cher in a Native American headdress. My ICF thinks that if she can just “fix” everyone and everything, and put everyone and everything back in line, with the logic and the reason that, “DUH!” makes so. much. sense. (or, at least makes total sense to my own bold ICF), than nothing could possibly go wrong, and we could all sleep easier, and more peacefully for the rest of our lives. Right. (insert eyeroll)

I have a lot to deal with in my own lane. I have an Inner Control Freak who looks like a Cher impersonator, sitting in the front seat with me. She’s hard to keep down. But I do notice that when I keep my eyes ahead to my own future, and I only stop for the other drivers, who legitimately need and want some help, the path of my life is easier. I do sleep more peacefully. And my traveling companions, seem to enjoy my company a lot better, too, when I don’t try to contort myself into their GPS systems. When I remember that we all have the same Guide, who knows The Way better than any of us, that’s when I can let go, and let the wind blow in my hair, as we all move along towards the glorious horizon.

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Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Narcissism Ad Nauseum

There is so much attention on the personality disorder called narcissism these days. It’s almost overwhelming the amount of information and so-called experts that there are on the subject of narcissism, in books, in social media, on TV, and in podcasts. Many of us have become armchair psychologists, doling out diagnoses of narcissism to the people in our own lives, whom we dislike, and whom we find distasteful. Many times I have experienced two people who I know, who were once a romantic couple, or who were once extremely close friends, all of the sudden, after the breakdown of the relationship, each triumphantly calling the other a narcissist, sometimes with fancy adjectives like “malignant”, “sociopathic” or “covert” added to the title, for flourish and for emphasis. Believe it or not, though, not every self-absorbed, self-impressed person who takes too many selfies, is actually a narcissist. A true, clinically diagnosed narcissist, is probably more rare than snow in south Florida, because most narcissists will never, ever get near to a psychologist’s office for self-reflection, and/or diagnosis. Self-reflection is not at all possible for a true narcissist. A true narcissist blames all of his or her own problems, on all other people, and on institutions that have somehow personally persecuted him or her, in his or her own mind. A true narcissist believes that they are never at fault for anything. A true narcissist is a perpetual victim. A true narcissist will never find reasons to change themselves, in order to create any kind of lasting, meaningful, positive adjustments, in their lives and in their relationships. A true narcissist might do chameleon-like, manipulative acts, here and there, to get you to do what they want you to do for them immediately, but in the long term, a true narcissist will always revert back to their insidious, controlling, image conscious, conniving, self-interested behavior, in all of their relationships. (This happens in their professional and their personal relationships, and even in their casual relationships). A true narcissist does not feel any empathy for anyone. He or she only sees others as objects. Narcissists see others as objects and tools who are for nothing more than to get the narcissist, whatever he or she wants. If others do not comply with the narcissist’s bullying, angry outbursts, and manipulations, then the narcissist plays the poor, abandoned victim, and then quickly moves on to their next target.

When you have experienced a relationship with a person who meets the actual diagnosed criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, you will never have to question what the word “toxic” means again. The level of emotional abuse, confusion, cruelty, hurt, “walking on eggshells”, targeted rage, bewilderment, anxiety, sadness, dramatic highs/lows, and self questioning that goes along with being in a relationship with this type of personality disordered person, is overwhelming, damaging, and traumatic. I don’t choose to get into the details right now, but I will say that I learned what the word “narcissist” meant, long before their were millions of resources out there, describing this disorder. I learned what the word “narcissist” meant before there was even a fully functioning internet. And at that time, I was so incredibly relieved to have a name and a description, for what was going on in some of my closest relationships. I felt so gratified and validated to finally understand that my perceptions and my intuitions were correct. This is why part of me is extremely happy that these resources are so readily available now, for confused and bewildered people who are in relationships with narcissists and other toxic, personality-disordered people. To feel the kind of validation that I felt, is so gratifying and awakening, and I want that consoling feeling for anybody.

That being said, there is another part of me who sees that the terminology around narcissism is getting somewhat watered down, and the term “narcissist” is becoming so mainstream, that it sometimes casts doubts on people who truly have suffered in toxic relationships, with these extremely disordered and damaged narcissists. And honestly, a lot of people who we casually disparage as “narcissists” might not actually be diagnosed as such, if they were to undergo the clinical testing that factually determines people’s psychological disorders. But here’s the thing, none of this matters. If the behavior that any one person is exhibiting to you, is painful to you, that is all that you need to know.

When healing from toxic relationships, there is a stage that everyone goes through, where it is so comforting to plow through all of the resources to help explain and to confirm, what was just experienced, in an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, though, this stage is a stage where a lot of people get stuck. A lot of us become unofficial Ph.Ds. in psychology, relationships, addictions, personality disorders, etc. at this awakening stage. While it feels good to have a “definition” and proof of one’s undeserved victimization, what really feels good is growing strong enough and wise enough, to gain enough self-love and enough self-confidence and enough self-awareness, that you are highly unlikely to fall prey to any of these toxic, painful, user-types in your own life, ever again.

Most narcissists don’t fall for other narcissists. Most healthy people, with healthy boundaries and expectations, are not narcissists’ main attractions either. Narcissists tend to be magnets for people with low self-esteem, above average empathy and sensitivity, and porous or non-existent boundaries. The reality is that most narcissists and other toxic individuals, developed their personality disorders from abusive people and situations in their own lives, and codependent-type people, with a lot of empathy, often think that with just enough patience and stamina and love, they can help, or change, or heal the narcissists in their lives. (Unfortunately, a healed narcissist is among one of the rarest things in life, even more rare than snow in South Florida. When you are not capable of self introspection, all hopes of healing, end right there. And, like any other infliction, others can support you and guide you, but only you can heal yourself, and that firstly, takes a strong personal desire for change, and for help. It takes an honest and earnest ability to take personal responsibility for your own life. A true, clinical narcissist really isn’t capable of this action, short of a miracle.) Bottom line, if you find yourself in a lot of relationships that feel toxic and uneven and painful, instead of trying to find the correct label for that toxic person or people in your life, and then staying mired in those definitions and in “the whys” that particular person or persons became so damaged and hurt you, and then spending even more time trying to figure out how you can “fix” them, your energy is much better served focusing on YOU, and on your life going forward. Instead of staying stuck in righteous indignation for all the ways that a person “did you dirty”, make your list of their wrongdoings, burn it, and then make a devout promise to yourself that you will practice tools, to keep your precious self, protected and deeply loved, from here on out. It doesn’t matter, really, if the person who you had an unhealthy experience with is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or Lucifer, himself, or maybe just Oscar the Grouch. What matters is, that you recognize that you deserve more. What matters is, that you stand up for yourself. What matters is, that you protect yourself. What matters is, that you honor your own intuition and feelings and boundaries, and make that your highest goal for yourself, for the rest of your life. If you have trouble doing any of that for yourself, choose someone wonderful, who you love more than anyone or anything on this earth, perhaps your child, or a dear friend, or a healthy partner, or your beloved pet, etc. and any time that you have to make a decision for yourself, ask yourself what you would want for that particular loved one, and you do that for yourself.

When you get to this level of self-respect, self-care, self-sufficiency, you’re a badass. You’re practically bullet-proof. And toxic people like much easier targets than bullet-proof badasses. It doesn’t matter if all of the world calls someone who hurt you a jerk, or a victim, or a sweetheart, or a malignant narcissist. What matters is that you trust yourself, to accept what you want for your life, and you accept nothing less. When you are bubbling over, full of life and love itself, you won’t go wandering around looking for others to fill you up, whether it be with their acceptance, or their attention, or their approval. When you trust yourself to honor yourself and your own needs, you will attract other healthy people into your life, who are doing the exact same thing. That’s inspiring. That’s enlivening. And don’t forget, the old adage is true: Living well is the best revenge.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Let Go of the Leash

A friend sent this meme to a text chat that we were having yesterday. We mothers were lamenting how hard it is for us, when our “remote kids” (grown and/or away at school) are going through stresses and we can’t be there to “fix” everything. We all laughed and related to the meme. I related to the meme so much that I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon thinking about it. When my friend sent the meme, I immediately texted back, “I think that’s what my family can’t stand the most about me.”

A few years ago, one of my sons angrily stated that I held all of my kids “on a leash.” That statement stung. (Obviously, it stung, as I am still remembering it and writing about it now.) I was floored by his statement. I was flabbergasted. I was so completely angry and incredulous and insulted. Was he kidding?!? A leash?!? I was the mother who went out of her way to give her kids privacy. I never opened doors without permission to enter. I never went through their things on snooping missions. Unlike many of their friends’ parents, I never tracked their whereabouts on my phone. I wanted to raise confident, independent, adventurous and autonomous children. I was the one who championed studying abroad, and I made the appointments for them to get their drivers’ licenses, as soon as legally possible. My mantra had always been to trust my children, until I couldn’t, and I stuck with that mantra valiantly, for the most part. I really never understood what my son meant completely with his “leash accusation”. I think we dropped the whole argument back then, and we moved on. Yesterday, though, I had an “aha” moment.

Despite my best and highest intentions, I realize that I do sometimes keep my entire family “on a leash.” The leash is never physical. The leash is never about whereabouts, or rites of passages. It’s more about happiness and comfort and security and control. It occurred to me yesterday, though truly unintentionally, I sometimes keep my family on a tight “emotional leash”.

For some backdrop to my point, I would like to talk about codependency. “Codependent” is a term that was first used to describe a spouse or a close family member of an addict. A codependent gets themselves so wrapped up in the addict’s life, keeping up appearances and responsibilities that really should be the addict’s duties, that they lose themselves in the process. A codependent’s happiness and security is only felt when they are keeping the addict’s life on track. If the addict is happy and behaving appropriately, then the codependent is happy. But trying to control an addict, and the consequences of addiction in an addict’s life, is a lot to deal with, and codependents often end up exhausted and depleted. Codependents often get extremely frustrated and resentful of their addicts, because they believe that everything that they are doing for their addict, often goes unreciprocated and unappreciated. The codependent has this idea that if they take care of the addict’s life, then it follows that the addict will “owe them” and return the favors and help to meet the codependent’s needs (whose needs tend to be mostly for security and control), but of course, that rarely, if ever, happens. Security and control do not blend well with addiction. Even more crazy, when an addict sometimes does do the hard work and heals their addiction, and then takes responsibility for their own life back, a codependent’s life typically falls apart. The codependent has made it such a total part of their own identity to keep the addict together, that they have completely lost focus on their own self (and sometimes their own mental and physical health) in the process. And whose really to blame in this scenario? Many people would say “look what that terrible addict did to that poor person”, and many times codependents do get a martyr status, but at what cost? Who gave their life away in this toxic system? The addict gives their life away to their substance or habit of choice. The codependent gives their life away to the addict. In the end, it is often the case that the codependent finds himself or herself to be equally as sick as the addict. The codependent is addicted to fixing the addict’s life, at the expense of working on their own lives, and growing their own interests and fostering their own health and well-being. And that is why they say that addiction is a “family problem.”

Now, thankfully, none of my children are addicts. The above explanation is the severest form of codependency, which I have used to drive my point. Codependency is a trait that a lot of us women have a tendency to veer into (even without the problem of addiction), particularly those of us who are mothers. There’s a whole spectrum of codependency and there is a whole spectrum of caring. Those of us women who have made raising our families, our highest callings and our highest purposes in life, often lose ourselves in the process, without even realizing it. That was never our intention. It’s just that we get so ingrained in our family members’ individual lives, that we forget about our own individual interests, and our own needs and our own well-being. We feel happy when everything is going well for our family members, and we feel devastated when it’s not. Now, some people would say, “Well, that’s just love and there is nothing greater than a mother’s love.” And that is true to a point. Of course, it hurts to see a family member struggling. Of course, it is exciting to see the people, whom we love with all of our hearts, triumph. However, when our own emotional states are so intertwined with the states of other people’s lives, to the point that we are losing sleep, taking on responsibilities that aren’t ours to take, making our loved ones feel incompetent because we step in all of the time and take over the wheel, and in the meantime, find very little of meaning or have very little focus on our own individual lives, that’s when we’ve crossed into unhealthy codependency. That is when we start holding emotional leashes. That’s where the term “helicopter parent” comes into play. When we make others feel responsible for our happiness, mostly because we have made ourselves responsible for their “happiness” (as we have defined it), this is an unhealthy equation that does not bode well for close, authentic relationships. We are not independent or interdependent in these types of relationships. Instead we are dependent on each other, and thus “codependent.” When others feel they have to be a certain way, or feel a certain way, or act a certain way, in order to keep our equilibrium okay, this system is bound to fail. It isn’t real. It makes everyone on edge. It has become a family system based on false security and a desperate need for control.

In the end, each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It’s not even possible to make anyone else feel anything. We each make our own feelings, and our own responses to, and boundaries around, things that happen outside of us. We each are responsible for our own lives, our own boundaries, and own satisfactions. No one deserves an emotional leash. Every adult in a healthy family deserves to be “free range.” We deserve to meet each other in our beautiful, familial meadows, sharing individual and shared adventures, without feeling a responsibility for anyone else’s responses, emotional states, or perspectives of these experiences in life. As much as caretaking is important in motherhood, so is modeling a healthy way of being. It is interesting to me that a meme that at first made me laugh at myself knowingly, made me introspect as much as it did, and seriously so. It made me reflect on life lessons that I thought I had already learned and mastered. Ha! (the story of my life) The meme made me want to get my proverbial scissors out, and to cut some leashes, for the betterment of my family and also, for the betterment of myself. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. And now, only love, authenticity and abiding faith remains.

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July, friends! I hope that you have a safe and happy day!!!

Today, when I was reading about July 4th, I was struck by how many times the words “independent” and “independence” came up. After all, it is 244 years ago that our forefathers claimed today as “Independence Day” for our country. This prompted me to look up the definition of “independent.” This is the first definition that popped up on Google:

“Being independent means being able to take care of your own needs and to make and assume responsibility for your decisions while considering both the people around you and your environment.”

I like this definition of independence. Sometimes I think that we want our independence, but without personal responsibility. Sometimes I think that we want our independence, forgetting to be considerate to the fact, that our actions do affect others and our Earth. Sometimes I think we confuse selfishness with independence. They are too entirely different things. Independence is a virtue. Selfishness is not. Today we celebrate the independence of our great country. Today marks the day that the United States of America declared its ability to take care of its own needs, and to assume responsibility for the decisions of our country, with consideration for other people, other countries, and our Earth. In some ways, the United States has done an excellent job with our independence. In other ways, we have some work to do.

Our countries, our states, our institutions, our communities, our families, are all made up of people. Today, when we consider our own individual independence, we can consider how well we are living up to that honorable definition of independence, in our own individual lives. As we celebrate our “independence”, we can use the celebration as a time to reflect on how “independent” (in the virtuous sense of the word), we really are, in our own lives. Do we rely on others for our physical needs and emotional needs, without taking any personal responsibility for those needs? Are we healthfully interdependent with others, or are we woefully stuck in a codependent cycle with those we love? Do we make our own decisions, and do we take responsibility for the consequences of those decisions, or are we quick to blame others, and to take the victim stance, when things go wrong? Do we make decisions for ourselves with the mindfulness of how those decisions will affect ourselves, others, and our beautiful planet, or do we just act on impulse and let the pieces fall as they may?

We declared quite a responsibility, as a country, those 244 years ago. I think that the founders of our country, understood the weight of that responsibility, but firmly believed that we were better off with our freedom. Our founders believed that we were up to the challenge of co-creating the greatest country that has ever existed. Our forefathers made the decision to declare independence for the United States, thoughtfully, carefully, and with a full understanding of what the consequences of declaring our independence would bring for us, then and for the ongoing future.

We tend to celebrate July 4th with fireworks, and barbecues, and parades and parties, without really giving much thought to what the day really means to us. Perhaps this virus catastrophe, can be used in a good way, to give us more space and more down time to really reflect on how well we are living up to our own “declarations of independence”, in our own lives, and as citizens who make up our country. Claiming independence is commanding, freeing, exciting, exhilarating, creative and allows us to fulfill our fullest purposes and destinies. But claiming independence goes hand in hand with enormous responsibilities, vision, sacrifice, empathy and consideration for others, and the need to protect the boundaries of our own autonomy and independence. Claiming independence is a brave and heady endeavor and it must often be reclaimed and revisited, again and again. We can thank our forebears for the start of it all, but it is our responsibility to keep the good vision of it all, alive and well and prospering.

136 Quotes About Change In Your Life and In The World (2019)

Self Care

Yet another death of a music star was reported this weekend.  Mac Miller, a young, rising star in the world of rap music died of an overdose on Friday.  I didn’t know much about Mac Miller until this weekend.  My kids liked his music and I found out that he was from my hometown of Pittsburgh.  I checked out some of his songs on iTunes and I was surprised by how much I liked them.  His rap has a jazzy, improvisational quality.  It is not as angry as some of the rap music I have listened to and it seems to have a more reflective quality than most.  If you can get past profanity, I highly recommend listening to some of his songs.  Mac Miller’s improv podcast on NPR is particularly good.

What affected me most about this tragedy though, was that the world lost another great talent to the jaws of addiction and through its sadness and despair was looking desperately for someone to blame.  That target to blame for many was Ariana Grande, his former girlfriend and also a great talent in the music world.  She had to shut down all commenting functionality on her social media because of the the vitriol that was being spewed at her during a time when she was grieving the loss of someone she deeply loved and undoubtedly had tried to help rescue from his demons.

I read that more than 2/3 of American families have had to deal with the alcohol and/or drug addiction of someone they love.  In 2016, the surgeon general put out a report that 1 in 7 Americans will face substance addiction and only 10 percent of those addicted ever get treated.  These are dismal statistics.

Addiction is a nightmare.  Watching someone you love in the throws of addiction is a living hell.  The level of denial that overtakes an addict is almost impossible to understand.  When someone loves an addict, don’t you ever think that they have not tried to help that person.  Most people who care about an addict, go through a period of giving up their own sanity trying to bring their loved one back to life and reality.  People who love addicts often become addicted to trying to help their addict and this condition is called codependency.  When someone is in a state of codependency they lose sight of reality, too.  They take the focus completely off of their own lives and put their entire focus on trying to save their addict.

The only person who you have control of in your life, is yourself.  Our human nature wants to feel safe and secure and often tries to gain those feelings of false security by trying to control the “outside” – the people and circumstances in our lives.  Sometimes we have painful feelings and inner issues to work on ourselves, but that scares us.  It is easier sometimes to put all of that focus on “outside” projects than to deal with our own “inside” problems.  Ironically, the only concerns that we really can fix and that we do have any control of, are the ones that are our own.  People can help us and guide us through our problems, but the hard work is an inside job and it doesn’t begin until we admit that we have the problem in the first place.

I imagine Ariana Grande did everything that she could to try to help her friend and lover, Malcom McCormick.  I imagine all of Malcom’s family and friends did everything that they could and some.  Money was not an issue.  Mac Miller could have afforded to stay in the best rehab centers in the world.  The biggest hurdle that any addict has to cross, is admitting to themselves that they need help.  The largest hurdle for any addict is to be able to cross over from the stronghold of Denial and reach out for help, fully knowing and understanding that they have lost all control over to the grips of Addiction.  This is the hardest part for any addict to do.  Many addicts, like Malcom, will lose their lives before completely surrendering to the idea that they have lost all control.  They believe fervently that the only thing that is keeping them alive is the very thing that is killing them slowly and methodically on a daily basis.  Addiction is treacherous.

Imagine that you are on a burning ship with all of your loved ones.  You know that you must jump into the ocean to save your lives.  Someone you love with all of your heart is burning on the ship but refuses to get off of it.  This person is on fire but insists that they don’t need help.  They actually get angry at you for trying to help them.  You try to embrace this person, to reason with this person, but the closer you remain to this person, the more you burn in the flames.  You finally have to make the heart-wrenching decision to jump off of the ship, praying that your loved one will come to their senses and jump into the pure water with you.  You know in your heart that the only life that you can save is your own, as desperate as you are to save theirs, too.  That is the terrible choice that Ariana and the people who loved Malcom had to make and they deserve only our deepest sympathies and understanding.  No one who has ever loved someone deeply can make that decision lightly.  Addiction is devastating for everyone it touches.  Everyone.