authenticity Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Vulnerability Hangovers

I have a slight hangover today. And no, I didn’t drink too much last night. It has more to do with what I chose to write about on the blog yesterday. Brene Brown coined the term “vulnerability hangover” to describe feelings of shame, anxiety, exposure, self-doubt after being open and intimate about our true feelings, or about life situations which we have kept previously private and mostly to ourselves. We all walk that line of what we feel comfortable exposing about ourselves and our lives, and what we don’t. And sometimes, we tiptoe off of the line, or sometimes we even take a surprising leap (even surprising to ourselves) off of that line, and then we are stuck with the muddled feelings of relief yet regret, depletion, embarrassment, and ambiguity. These feelings are sometimes called “hangxiety” and they mimic the feelings that can occur in our bodies after a night of partying too much, with concerns that we’ve humiliated ourselves in the worst possible way.

I don’t have regrets about what I revealed yesterday about being estranged with family members. Authenticity is really important to me. I don’t care to create false images. I believe that a lot of unhealthiness in our society is related to image-consciousness, putting too much focus on what others think about us. (hint- they don’t really think much about us at all) This image-consciousness keeps a lot of things that need to be addressed, instead hidden, avoided and pushed under the rug. But, when you put the “tough stuff” out there, you sometimes feel weirdly naked and vulnerable and exposed. You allow yourself to be judged. You put your “humanity” out there, and then the image-consciousness bit in all of us, feels defensive and threatened and wants us to dive back into our safe, snug holes. We dread the idea that our Pandora’s box isn’t able to be closed again.

I was so grateful for those of you who commented on the blog yesterday. I know that this takes courage. Your comments took some of my own “hangxiety” away. Thank you. Many times friends and family will text me individually about one of my blog posts. They don’t feel comfortable commenting on my public blog space. It’s okay. I respect, and I understand this.

Interestingly, yesterday’s blog was one of the most read blog posts I have written in a long time. When we have the courage to “put ourselves out there”, we give others the permission to do the same, and barriers come down. Compassion and validation and community takes the shining, natural place of the individual masks which we all like wear.

My daughter is currently in a position where she is helping girls through the experience of rushing sororities at her huge southern university. Rushing sororities can be a very grueling, intimidating, and humiliating process. In its best light, the Greek system is meant to help people quickly find a group of friends with similar values and interests, and to create an instant social life and helpful network, for those who find themselves on huge campuses with mostly strangers. In its worst light, the university Greek system is full of judgment, cattiness, and based on first surface-level impressions without having the time to get to know a person in their “wholeness.” It’s really brave for a young person to put themselves out there in this way. I imagine most of these young ladies go through vulnerability hangovers throughout the entire process. My heart aches for their needless self-recriminations and fears. I want to hug them all.

I vividly remember once being in a group therapy situation, where I was describing a situation that had happened, in more of a logical, factual, clinical, flat-toned kind of way. “How did that make you feel?” the facilitator asked me. I answered him with more logical, sensical, matter-of-fact words, as if the situation was casual and had happened to someone else. “But, aren’t you angry?” he asked me pointedly, staring me down. “Of course I’m angry!! Why shouldn’t I be angry?!? This was wrong! It hurt! I didn’t deserve it!!” I blurted out emotionally, and loudly and full of tremorous rage. My explosion seemed to bring the room to a hush. Even I was surprised by my outburst. I had such a vulnerability hangover after that situation, I remember going to McDonalds right after the meeting and binging on chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers.

I write this blog for me. I love to write. Writing is my favorite creative outlet. It is my favorite path back to me. But I also pray that this blog helps people. I pray that things that I have gone through in my own life and my experiences that have I learned from (in good ways and bad), as “a mother,a daughter,a wife,a friend,a writer,a woman,a sister,a niece,a dog-lover, and mostly just another human being” can be a source of comfort and guidance and validation for others. We when share our passions and our ideas and our talents and our vulnerable hearts with others, that’s when we realize how connected everything really is on this Earth. When we share of ourselves, that’s when we realize that we truly are not alone. We all have the ability to be someone else’s “angel on Earth”, and also the beneficiary from “angels on Earth” from time to time. The system is designed that way, if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and true and open and to surrender to our own deepest wisdom.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2036. What’s in your perfect trail mix?

Memory Jogs

Sometimes I come to the blog having no idea about what I am going to write about and other times I have hundreds of ideas that have come to mind from things that I have heard, or read, or seen, throughout my week, and so, I sloppily write reminders (sometimes readable, sometimes not) on my calendar, so that I have writing prompts. Here is an accumulation of my hastily written memory jogs for this week:

+ Are you in charge of your day or is your day in charge of you? Who’s in charge here? Do you allow distractions and interruptions and other people’s problems take over your day? Do you have a general outline for your day or do you just allow whim and fancy and spontaneity and intuition to take over the day’s plot? Are you so “in charge” that your days have become rigid and banal and monotonous? (To be clear, there are no “right” answers here, but a little self awareness by answering these questions can help you to fine tune your days, because after all, it is our days that make up our weeks, our months, our years, our lives . . . .)

+ There was a comedian who was joking that the only reason why mindfulness (staying in the moment) has only become a really popular concept in the last decade or so, is because before that, we didn’t really have a choice not to be mindful. Without the internet, cell phones, 800 TV channels, etc. we were mindful, whether we realized it or not. I was reminded of this when I drove up the street for my eyebrow waxing appointment, earlier this week. I realized that I had forgotten my phone on the way to my appointment (only ten minutes up the road) and then I was horrified when I had to wait, because my technician had another customer ahead of me who was still there. The low level anxiety and fidgetiness which I felt throughout the whole experience (and I was back home, all waxed up, in less than an hour) was eye-opening and a little disappointing to me, for sure. For perspective, on this day in 1981, MTV was launched. It was 43 years ago, in which seeing music played on television was considered unbelievably cutting edge. I was 10. And ten-year-old me was mindfully mesmerized by the amazing new phenomena of music and graphics all mixed together on a TV screen. Imagine.

+ The popular inspirational speaker, Og Mandino once said this,“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” I love this. I think that this thought is so much better than pretending that this is the last day of your own life. Whenever that sentiment is said, about pretending that it’s your own last day on Earth, I think to myself, “Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t be doing laundry, or washing dishes, or going to the grocery store, and I would want all of my favorite people around me, all day long (and I would want them to be sobbing – kidding, sort of).” Let’s face it, pretending every day is your last day on Earth, is just not a practical, or do-able sentiment. It’s an uncomfortable, annoying sentiment that serves to remind you that you really can’t just do what you really want to do, all day long, every day of your life. You may die on the biggest chore day of your life. Facts. But Og Mandino’s statement is doable, and it helps us to grow our own compassion levels, exponentially. So when we do come to our own last day on Earth, we’ll have a lot less regrets and then, we can rest in peace.

+ I’ve noticed a form of speech being used a lot more than I had ever heard it before and I really like it. It reminds us of the nuances of life and it helps us to steer away from black and white thinking. This is the use of “and, also”. So I can say, “I like the thrill of big summer storms, and also, I sometimes find them terrifying.” “I enjoyed the visual effects of that movie, and also, I found the movie to be disturbing.” “And also” is a lot better than a “but”. A “but” is negating. It sucks all of the positivity and truth, out of our first statement, like a vacuum. “And also” is inclusive, and it says that two seemingly opposite experiences, can and often do, happen at the same time. Using “and also” in our communication is truer to our messy, organic human experience.

+ As a segue from my last point, you can say, “I am an authentic person, and also, I am a private person.” Authenticity is the ability to be the truest version of yourself that you can be in any particular circumstance. Authenticity is not creating false selves to impress different people, at different times. However, it is healthy to be discerning about how much of your true life, opinions, experiences, etc. you choose to share with different people in your lives. You can be an authentic employee, without choosing to spout out what you really think about your boss. Inauthentic people create lies and falsehoods and illusions, in order to impress others. They tend to be “different people with different people.” Authentic people are comfortable in their own skin and are typically “what you see is what you get” with everyone they meet, and also, they carefully choose a different level of intimacy and vulnerability with each relationship, which they have in their lives, for their own well-being. In my experience, as you age, you naturally tend to become much more authentic, and this is so refreshing and freeing.

+ In the United Kingdom, when a company goes bankrupt, there is a list of creditors to pay from any of the assets still left. The last creditors in line to get any of their money back are called “residual beneficiaries.” Typically, by the time everyone else is paid, the “residual beneficiaries” get little to nothing back. A speaker on a podcast I was listening to, said that sadly, in today’s busy lives with intense careers, long work hours, and overfilled schedules, we often (unintentionally, of course) turn our most cherished loved ones into being our “residual beneficiaries.” Also, typically, the very last residual beneficiaries on our personal lists, are ourselves. Is your life a healthy company- simplified, streamlined, focused, and on point to its mission statement? Or are you (and your loved ones) getting bankrupted by unhealthy, unwieldy practices? You are your own life manager. Do you have a good one?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2586. What gives you pause?

The 4th

My friend shared this beautiful writing by Cody Bret (see below). It is such a good reminder to not take things personally and to just to be your true authentic self. Always, always focus on the relationship that you have with yourself and make sure that it is a nurturing, kind relationship. The relationship that you have with yourself, is the most important relationship which you will ever have, and it helps to determine the quality of relationships that you will have with others. It is also good to remember that sometimes people just don’t have more room in their lives to foster and to keep any more deep, consuming relationships, and so they can be quite fond of you, and yet still not be available for the depth of relationship which you would like to have with them, and that often has NOTHING to do with how they perceive you. Finally, if you do have a visceral strong opinion about someone else, it’s always a good idea to explore those feelings. Underneath hate, dislike, discomfort is often a big mound of pain and recognition, asking for some healing. Often the people we despise are angels in disguise, leading us to our greatest mending and personal insights.

The way people view you.

Sometimes I think about the different characters I play in everybody’s story.

I’m a terrible person in some people’s narratives and a Godsend in others.⠀⠀⠀

And none of it has anything to do with the person I truly am. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The lens that others view you through is coloured by their upbringing, beliefs, and individual experiences.⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people see your bright personality as endearing and others see it as annoying.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people think you’re weak and emotional and others feel safe to be themselves around you.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people think you’re rude and selfish and others respect the way you stand up for yourself.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Some people admire the way you take pride in the way you look and others think you’re conceited.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

And none of it has to do with who you truly are as a person.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

What you have to understand is that you have no authority over how people view you so never try to control the way others see you because the only thing that truly matters when the dust settles down at the end of the day is what you genuinely see in yourself.

~ Cody Bret

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1224. What’s your biggest challenge in the mornings?

Monday – Funday

The writer Joe Lansdale says the key to his success is, “I write like everyone I know is dead.” Most writers are told to write about what we know. The famed writer Anne Lamott says this: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

It’s a tough line that we writers walk. Most of the world lives behind screens and masks and passive aggression and fragile egos. It’s hard to be direct and honest and “say it like it is”, full well knowing that someone else’s “say it like it is” about the exact same situation, may look like an entirely different “is” than yours. Many times, my truth is not the same as your truth (and yet confusingly, these opposite truths can be mutually accurate, all at the same time) And then we’ve got the whole “cancel culture” thing going on. And on top of all of this, we have our natural human beings’ need to be liked and to be loved and to be understood. We don’t consciously want to hurt anyone – even those who have hurt us. And we don’t want to be hurt in the process, either.

This is why journals and diaries are wonderful. This is also why it is also important to get your own personal take on things, out there in the world, in one form or another, even if it is just opening up to a trusted friend. Honestly, the world doesn’t need ten more of the same “Awhoooos” wolf songs in a row. That gets rote and boring and tedious. It feels fake, easy and sometimes conniving and controlling. What I have found, many times in my own life, is that when I am more open and honest and vulnerable in my communication, it seems to give others permission to do the same. And it makes me feel closer to people and it also makes me realize that a lot of all of our “Awhoooos” in all of our different lives, are more similar and relatable than we would have ever expected. And in intimate moments, the next song is called “Awhooo” and instead of rolling our eyes, we all smile at each other and we often nod in appreciation of what we share in common.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

1325. Do you have any phobias?

The Boss

RIP – Iris Apfel (We lost a good one yesterday. What a strong inspiration to live your life fully, up until it is the time to pass on, at the ripe old age of 102 . . . . ) A fashion designer once said this about Iris Apfel’s trademark look: “It appeals to a certain kind of joy in everybody.” Thank you, Iris, for your bravery, your audacity and your authenticity. Thank you for your joy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Here are some of Iris Apfel’s best quotes:

“When you don’t dress like everybody else, you don’t have to think like everybody else.”

“More is more and less is a bore.”

“Remember not to be bossy… be the boss!!”

“Get comfortable outside of your comfort zone.”

“Get old, but don’t get boring!”

“If your hair is done properly and you are wearing good shoes, you can get away with anything.”

“You don’t have to be an artist to be a creator, because creativity comes in a lot of forms, like cooking or keeping a house or dressing well. What you need is imagination, to make things up for yourself.”

“The worst fashion faux pas is looking in the mirror and seeing somebody else.”

“When you try too hard to have style, you look uncomfortable, like you’re wearing a costume, like the clothes are entering the room before you do. If you’re uptight, you won’t be able to carry off even a seemingly perfect outfit. If that’s happening, I say abandon the whole thing. It’s better to be happy than well dressed.”

“You can’t go home again. If an experience was wonderful, don’t try to re-create it. It will never be as beautiful as it was the first time.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

592. What is your favorite decorative piece or artwork that you own?

Oh, you!

Logic was my favorite class that I took in college. I took it to fulfill my Humanities credit requirement. It was taught out of the Philosophy department, but the class was more like figuring out math puzzles. It wasn’t a lot of writing, like I had expected, but still, I loved it. I actually looked forward to the out-of-class work. Most of my Logic class was working out proofs such as: if A=B, and B=C, then it follows that A=C. I like it when I can get out of my emotionality, and I am able to look at situations with my clear, logical mind. I like it when things make sense.

So, using my most logical part of my mind, I confidently make this statement: It is illogical to ever feel insecure in yourself. Why? Because you are one-of-a-kind. There is no one in this world who is or was, exactly the same as you. Even if you are an identical twin, it is impossible for you both to have experienced the exact same experiences, with the same exact consequences every single second of your individual lives.

No one ever says, “That’s the best Mona Lisa.” Why? Because there is only ONE authentic Mona Lisa. Now some people may not be impressed with the Mona Lisa. So what? Some people may like other paintings better. Again, so what? Some people may think that the Mona Lisa is the greatest painting that exists in this world. And again, so what? There are no other Mona Lisas in this world. There may be imitations of the Mona Lisa, but that’s just it, they are just imitations. A painting can be judged to be the closest imitation to the Mona Lisa that exists, but then that just makes that particular painting, itself – “the best imitation of the Mona Lisa.” And the Mona Lisa still stands as THE Mona Lisa.

There is no true competition. Yes, there are games in our lives that we compete in, and there are job offers that are limited to one recipient, and on Black Friday, one person may beat out you for that last doorbuster $50 HDTV. But those are just competitions experienced throughout your one unique life. No one else will have the same exact series of competitions played out in their lives. You will win some. You will lose some. So what?

When we feel insecure it brings out the worst in us, doesn’t it? Jealousy, passive aggressiveness, control, anger, meanness, pettiness, cruelty, usually comes out our own shadows when we are feeling “less than”, or badly about ourselves. Do you find it hard to be kind when you, yourself, are feeling on top of the world? Of course not! It’s easy when we are feeling great to only notice daisies and rainbows and cute puppies and cupcakes for everyone! But on a bad day, that jackass who rode by in his beautiful, brand new Ferrari probably got that “over-the-top/too flashy” car undeservedly from ill-gotten funds, right? Doesn’t he know that his Ferrari’s cost could probably feed a dozen hungry children for years and years on end?? So you are justified in snidely cutting him off, or smirking when he gets pulled over in a traffic stop, right?

Is it possible that Ferrari guy, is a self-made person who created a wonderful company out of his garage that now provides a comfortable lifestyle for hundreds of families with newly created jobs? Is it possible that Ferrari guy gives more to charities than you will even make in your lifetime? Is it possible that Ferrari guy is a spoiled rotten, trust fund baby who inherited all of his money from his great-grandfather, who was a mafia kingpin? Again, the answer to all of these questions is: so what? What has that got to do with you, Mona Lisa? You are Mona Lisa. Keep your nose in your own one-of-a-kind life, Mona. No one else gets to live it but you. What are you doing with your one and only life? You can get inspired by Ferrari guy if you want to, or you can be disgusted with him, if you want, as well. You, alone, are feeling that sense of inspiration or that pit of disgust in this moment that you are reading this sentence.

Again, I repeat my logical supposition: There is no “you” better than you. There is no “you” worse than you. You are you. You are the only you. It is illogical to ever feel insecure in yourself because there is no other “you” to compare yourself to, nor will there ever be. Even if you are cloned, it will be impossible for your clone to experience the exact set of experiences, relationships, coincidences, lucky breaks, and consequences to actions than you are experiencing in this time period. If you can see my supposition to be true, does it follow that Ferrari guy shouldn’t be a blip in your mind? Does it follow that your own authenticity is inimitable, as hard as the imitators may try? Does it make sense to try to be an imitator when you, yourself, are a one-of-a-kind treasure? Does it do good to remember that every single being you come across today, including every blade of grass that you walk on, is a one-of-a-kind treasure never to be repeated again? The Mona Lisa is protected by great, complicated security measures. Millions of people around the world spend money to spend a couple of minutes gazing at her, for maybe once in their lifetimes. All you have to do, right now, is to look in the mirror in order to see something at least, as precious and as rare as THE Mona Lisa.

Try to go through life just for today, applying my logical supposition. Is it possible that the world could appear wholly different to you with this logical lens? You may say, “So what?” And that’s fine. Your responses are uniquely yours and these responses will determine how you experience your one and only precious life, and they also will determine how others experience you. If you believe that you needn’t ever feel insecure again (because of the logical proof which shows that it is silly to do so), than your shadow side will have a much harder time popping out of your psyche, with all of the simple, beautiful, logical light shining brightly upon it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Mature People

My “bounceback game” is decidedly lacking. We got back from our overseas trip last week, and I am still crawling around with perpetual mind fog. So yesterday, when I reached my 3 p.m., “I’m all out of steam, is it almost bedtime?” moment that has perpetuated since we have returned, I discovered the Holderness Family videos, and I rested on the couch, and I binged on them.

The Holderness Family is an adorable family who live in Raleigh, NC and they make hilarious parody videos. They also invented a best-selling family game, and they have even written a book on fighting fairly in marriage. Did I mention that the Holdernesses also won The Amazing Race (and were the oldest couple to ever do so)? The family is incredible, but they are lovable, authentic, and too goofy to hate on, despite their many talents, beauty and gifts.

One serious thing that struck me while binging on “the whole of the Holdernesses’ conglomerate” yesterday, was the major theme of their podcast (oh yeah, they also have a popular podcast . . . sigh). The major theme which the Holderness Family apparently often repeats on their podcast is “Mature people ask for what they want.” The Holdernesses admit that this is often hard for anyone to do because we fear rejection, being judged or appearing selfish. So I guess, that the addition of this statement could be, “Mature people can deal with rejection, feeling judged, or appearing selfish. Mature people aren’t quick to personalize other people’s reactions. Mature people realize that everyone has needs, including themselves.”

It is amazing to me to witness (and also personally experience from time to time, myself) just how many people in the world have a hard time asking for what they want, and yet, seethe in resentment for not getting what they want. I have just recently experienced grown adults, already retired from major successful careers, ask for what they want in the most mysterious, and indirect ways. They use other people as shields. “So-and-so was wondering if you had a chance to look at the contract? I told them that you were probably busy . . . .”

I was a marketing major in college. I’ve held a few sales jobs throughout my lifetime. I think that sales jobs should be required for everyone and anyone to experience for at least a few months (also required: being a food server – you will never, ever tip badly if you have ever served tables, even just once in your lifetime). To hold a sales job and to be successful at it, (and remember, everything that you are looking at right now in your space that you are sitting in, was sold to someone, first as an idea, and finally to you, as a product that you eventually acquired) requires a huge level of stamina, grit, and not personalizing massive amounts of rejection. Selling also requires you to get really good at asking for what you want, and believing that you deserve what you want. As a successful salesperson, your entire sustenance and well-being relies on this skill of asking for what you want with enthusiasm and confidence, and being able to let rejection roll off of your back.

Today, try out using the Holdernesses’ mantra: “Mature people ask for what they want.”

Start small if you are too nervous. “Please unload the dishwasher.” “Please pick up the dry-cleaning.” “Please allow me some space when I first get home” . . . . .

Then, when you receive what you want, or you at least you get a clear understanding of why you won’t be getting what you want (and 99.9 percent of the time these reasons of not getting what you want are not about you, but more so, about what is going on with the other party), you will be filled with gratitude. Then, just say, “thank you”. “Thank you” to the party who fulfilled your request, or at least gave you an honest explanation of why they aren’t capable to fulfill your request at this time, and “thank you” to yourself for being brave and stepping up for yourself and for your own needs, in the most mature way possible.

“Mature people ask for what they want.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Let Myself Be Happy

I’ve spent some time the last couple of days going through my daily journals. I wanted to get a sense of the sequence of some events that have happened in my life, mostly in my forties. My forties were tumultuous times for me. I think they are a time of tumult for a lot of people. In your twenties, you are still figuring things out, and that fact is expected, and accepted by you, and by the grace of everyone else. In your thirties, you are in go-go-go/do-do-do mode with very little time for real and honest introspection. It is typically in your forties when the cracks start to show, and the internal questions start banging in your head, such as are you happy with the directions your life is going in? Are you living a genuinely authentic life, true to your own intrinsic values?

It was in my forties, that my husband and I started to take things in a different direction for ourselves and for our family which was truer to what we really wanted in life. In truth, we were sort of forced into it. The dramatic moment of becoming “the poster kids for the Great Recession” (against our strong, and stubborn wills at the time) helped facilitate that movement. And what once seemed like the worst thing that ever happened to us, became the best catalyst to project us towards being more real and conscious about our choices for our family and for ourselves. (The Universe knows what it is doing.) When I read over the journals (I only started consciously journaling on a daily basis in 2013, when I was 42), I am grateful to my younger self. I admire her. She had to make some really hard decisions about where to live, and how to live, and who to remove from her life for the health and the protection of herself and her family. I also feel some pangs for her, because she had a hard time letting stuff go. She did the tough stuff, but she lived in too much fear and worry and doubt and even sometimes sadness, on a daily basis. And the interesting thing is, that everything that my forties-self worried about, has long since resolved itself. In fact, some of the events that were jotted in my journal, I don’t even remember happening.

I think that I decided to look up the sequence of events in my life in the past decade because a couple of weekends ago, my husband and I were sitting in a hospital room with an extended family member who is quite ill. Despite having trouble speaking, she wanted to talk. She talked and talked. And we listened. And what she talked about, were the different experiences that had happened throughout her life. It was like a highlight reel of the truly impactful, proud, emotional, interesting events which had happened in her own life. I think this reminded me that I don’t want to wait until I am facing down my own death, to reflect on my life. I want to do spot checks. I want to end on a high note with very few regrets, and so it is important for me to do the course corrections along the way.

In my Twitter feed this morning, Moral Philosophy, asked their readers, “What are some common regrets people have when they get old?” Interestingly, although there were many people answering the question, most of the answers were repetitive. One reader suggested everyone read the book, Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. Bronnie Ware is an Australian palliative nurse who has spent a lot of time caring for patients in their dying days. This is what Bronnie Ware says are the biggest regrets of the dying, and most of the many answers from Moral Philosophy’s question of today, fell into these categories:

The 5 Greatest Regrets of the Dying are:

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish that I had let myself be happier

“I wish I had let myself be happier.” From going through my journals of the last decade of my life, it was certainly full of happy moments. But many times, I allowed those moments to be clouded with fear, worry, guilt, rumination and righteous anger. When I am 62, I hope to look back at these next ten years of my journals, and I hope to be as proud as I am of my younger self, for her bravery, and for her honesty and for her authenticity, but I also hope that another thing that stands out to me, from these reflections of my future journals written throughout my fifties decade, is the sense of serenity, peace, faith and surrender. My deepest self inherently knows that the Universe knows what it is doing. It is time to shed all of the fearful parts of myself who want to doubt, and who want to try to control the uncontrollable. When I read my journals of the future, I hope only to read the words of my truest, deepest, eternal, peaceful, loving Self.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Sure Do Love

RIP – Loretta Lynn This loss really got to me yesterday, although I think that a peaceful death, in the homestead that you love, after 90 years of exuberantly loving life, is a lovely, gentle, fitting ending to a beautiful life on Earth.

I have never been a huge country music fan, but I always found Loretta Lynn interesting and intriguing. I watched Coalminer’s Daughter more than a few times. I read two of Lorretta Lynn’s books. I even drove my children by Hurricane Mills ranch in Tennessee when I was doing a nine-state road trip with four little kids. (Don’t ask – these are the things that you do when you are young, and energy-filled, and crazily optimistic.) We stopped at a small country diner down the road from her beloved ranch, and we were told that she often made her way down the road to have dinner there. Even as long as we lingered over biscuits and gravy, sadly, Loretta Lynn didn’t show up that evening.

Years ago, I watched Mike Wallace interview Lorretta Lynn on 60 Minutes. At this point, Loretta was already up there in age, (probably in her late 70s or early 80s), and she was as positive, charming and authentic as ever. I remember Mike asked her one of those annoyingly obvious-answer questions, like sportscasters ask quarterbacks after they lose a huge game, “How do you feel about losing this game?” Mike asked Loretta the “duh question” (although I don’t remember what the actual question was that he asked her), and she answered back in her simple country twang with “Well, of course I felt terrible. Wouldn’t you, Mike?” I could tell, it was at this moment in the interview, that Mike Wallace, a longtime, veteran journalist, appeared to be a little shaken by Loretta Lynn’s frankness. He became a little sheepish, but also utterly charmed. Loretta could say things like this with her down-home, no BS, this is the way of life, common sense, and still be utterly kind and gracious. She didn’t come off like a sarcastic harpy. She came off as innocent, pure and real, looking imploringly at him with her gorgeous, full of fun, sparkly blue eyes. And I remember watching Mike falling a little bit in love with her, as I believe the rest of the audience was doing as well. I know that I did.

As I was reading some of the tributes to Lorretta Lynn yesterday, I ended up on her Instagram. On her personal Instagram, Loretta posted many, many pictures of the obvious loves in her life: her late husband, Doolittle, her children, her family and friends, playing music with her country music friends and colleagues, her ranch, her horses. I noticed without fail, she would post the picture and she would write things like this: “This is Mooney. I sure do love this man. I love you, honey,” or “Ernest brought up my horse to the ranch to cheer me up. I sure do love that horse,” or “This is the woman that helped raise my kids. She is like our family. I sure do love . . . .”

Since the news of her death, there is an obvious outpouring of loss and sadness over a real American treasure, Loretta Lynn. She lived the American dream, but she was also honest about the hardscrabble life of the poorest, working class members of society (particularly women), before it was cool to be honest about anything. She never walked away from the truth ever. She lived her life purely, focused on what she loved. She loved her husband, her family, her friends, her music, her ranch, and her faith throughout her entire life. She lived her life honestly, abundantly, authentically, excitedly and gratefully.

What do you “sure do love” in your life? Focus on what you “sure do love” every single day. Because honestly, that is really what life is all about. A little country girl from Butcher Holler, Kentucky, knew this truth, and Loretta Lynn lived this truth probably better than almost anyone in the world. And that is why it hurts so much for us to let her go.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.