I spent two hours this weekend watching a video on closure and “good good-byes”. My mentees are a graduating senior in high school, and a fifth grader who is about to enter middle school. I have mentored them for three years, and this is the year in which it makes sense for all of us, to part ways from our regular weekly meetings. I am struggling greatly with this. I am quite fond of both girls and I am deeply concerned about doing this, in the healthiest way possible. I have never been good at good-byes.
The person who ran the video seminar I watched is a grief counselor. She kept repeating the idea that any change is a loss (even a change that we deem as a “good” change) and the natural response to loss is grief. I am a deep feeler. I am already feeling grief and concern about our good-byes. Unfortunately, in the past, when saying good-bye to people whom I worked for/with, or neighbors from previous neighborhoods, or even childhood friends, I don’t think that I did a great job expressing my sorrow about the change, to the people concerned, or even admitting my sorrow to myself. I tend to be too abrupt. I may have come across that I cared much, much less than what I really was feeling about the change. I tend to have a “Buck up and move on!” attitude, and retrospectively, I don’t think that this response is the kindest response for anyone involved, including me. I want to do these good-byes to my mentees better than I have done good-byes in the past. I want to make these “good good-byes.” I have grown. I want to do this lovingly and gently for all parties concerned.
The leader of the seminar told us that we needed to start talking about our parting of ways, now, a few weeks away from our final meetings. People need time to process their thoughts and feelings. People need a chance to talk about their thoughts and feelings which they have processed, and this should occur over several days and weeks, not just in one moment. The “Buck up and move on!” part of me, is afraid of this. I don’t want to keep poking the bear/picking at the scab. It hurts. A lot. But ultimately, in the end, I don’t want to have regrets and unsaid sentiments which haunt me. These are two girls who have already suffered a great deal of loss in their young lives. I want our parting of ways to be one that is considered natural and healthy and part of life’s evolvement. I don’t want them to personalize this loss, in any way, shape or form. As one participant in the seminar reminded us, the adage, “Relationships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” is true and all three kinds of relationships have their proper place in our lives.
Today is the first meeting with my girls, when I am going to start seriously broaching the subject of our “good-byes”. This is coming at a time when my youngest child is a couple months away from leaving our nest for college. There’s a little storm brewing inside of my heart, friends, to put it mildly. I think that my biggest fear is that this storm will turn into a raging monsoon and I will feel entirely out of control. I guess, if I am honest with myself, my biggest fear is being “out of control.” Which is funny because, as we all know, control is mostly an illusion anyway.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
