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Soul Sunday

Welcome to poetry day on the blog. Jorge Borges was a famous Argentinian writer and poet. This is what he said about why poetry is important in an interview:

Tell me, does this poem below move you? It was written by the American poet, Laura Gilpin (who only wrote one prize winning book of poetry, until she became a nurse, and a hospital reform advocate and she worked in medicine for the rest of her life). If this poem (or any other) moves you, “it is not an insignificant event.” A poem is a tiny little gathering of words, which has the ability to evoke deep emotion and poignant energy which reminds us about just how alive we are in our own bodies, not just by the way of our senses and our mind’s perceptions of our senses, but from the sentimental longings of our own hearts.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

662. Have you ever been in a submarine?

Greedy Mouth

We have a scheduled up day today. So I will just share this that I read the other day:

“To do all of the talking and not be willing to listen is a form of greed.” – Democritus

Ouch. I’ve never looked at “greed” in this form. It’s a good area that many of us could stand to be less greedy.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2301. What is your favorite movie genre?

Not Manic Monday, but Bangles . . .

Okay, don’t worry. It’s Friday. (happy Fri-yay!!!!!) It’s the day on which I lighten up on the blog. It’s the day I focus on all of my material stuff, because I like my stuff. A lot. Fridays on the blog are called Favorite Things Friday and it’s a day when I discuss my favorite products. Before I get to today’s favorite, do you remember Jello Pudding Pops? They were so good. They should bring those back. (although not their unfortunate choice of a spokesperson) I know. I know. I can make jello pudding popsicles by hand, but I’m a little lazy when it comes to cooking and kitchen stuff. Facts.

Today’s favorite is seen above. I was at my bank earlier this week and the woman who waited on me looked super sharp. She had a cute haircut, a simple, but elegant black summer dress on, and her one arm was adorned with what I thought to be many artsy bangle bracelets. (see above) I told her that I loved her bracelets. (I adore bangle bracelets, but having a small wrist, I’ve always had a hard time wearing them comfortably.)

“Oh honey,” she said, with a smile on her face. “These aren’t bangles. This is just one cheapie wrap bracelet from Amazon. But I do get compliments on it, all of the time.” Well, guess who sent me the link and guess who ordered one of those bracelets from Amazon within minutes, and guess the amazing price? $9.59 This is one fun, light, easy to wear, interesting looking cheapie bracelet that brought this woman’s plain black summer dress, up a notch. If you need a fun, pick-me-up, here is the link:

(If you can’t see the link, here is the description: Fesciory Leather Wrap Bracelets for Women, Boho Leopard Multi-Layer Crystal Beads Cuff Bracelet Jewelry)

Readers, I love and appreciate you, more than you will ever know. Have a fabulous weekend! See you tomorrow.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2368. What’s one thing you’d never let a child do?

Vulnerability Hangovers

I have a slight hangover today. And no, I didn’t drink too much last night. It has more to do with what I chose to write about on the blog yesterday. Brene Brown coined the term “vulnerability hangover” to describe feelings of shame, anxiety, exposure, self-doubt after being open and intimate about our true feelings, or about life situations which we have kept previously private and mostly to ourselves. We all walk that line of what we feel comfortable exposing about ourselves and our lives, and what we don’t. And sometimes, we tiptoe off of the line, or sometimes we even take a surprising leap (even surprising to ourselves) off of that line, and then we are stuck with the muddled feelings of relief yet regret, depletion, embarrassment, and ambiguity. These feelings are sometimes called “hangxiety” and they mimic the feelings that can occur in our bodies after a night of partying too much, with concerns that we’ve humiliated ourselves in the worst possible way.

I don’t have regrets about what I revealed yesterday about being estranged with family members. Authenticity is really important to me. I don’t care to create false images. I believe that a lot of unhealthiness in our society is related to image-consciousness, putting too much focus on what others think about us. (hint- they don’t really think much about us at all) This image-consciousness keeps a lot of things that need to be addressed, instead hidden, avoided and pushed under the rug. But, when you put the “tough stuff” out there, you sometimes feel weirdly naked and vulnerable and exposed. You allow yourself to be judged. You put your “humanity” out there, and then the image-consciousness bit in all of us, feels defensive and threatened and wants us to dive back into our safe, snug holes. We dread the idea that our Pandora’s box isn’t able to be closed again.

I was so grateful for those of you who commented on the blog yesterday. I know that this takes courage. Your comments took some of my own “hangxiety” away. Thank you. Many times friends and family will text me individually about one of my blog posts. They don’t feel comfortable commenting on my public blog space. It’s okay. I respect, and I understand this.

Interestingly, yesterday’s blog was one of the most read blog posts I have written in a long time. When we have the courage to “put ourselves out there”, we give others the permission to do the same, and barriers come down. Compassion and validation and community takes the shining, natural place of the individual masks which we all like wear.

My daughter is currently in a position where she is helping girls through the experience of rushing sororities at her huge southern university. Rushing sororities can be a very grueling, intimidating, and humiliating process. In its best light, the Greek system is meant to help people quickly find a group of friends with similar values and interests, and to create an instant social life and helpful network, for those who find themselves on huge campuses with mostly strangers. In its worst light, the university Greek system is full of judgment, cattiness, and based on first surface-level impressions without having the time to get to know a person in their “wholeness.” It’s really brave for a young person to put themselves out there in this way. I imagine most of these young ladies go through vulnerability hangovers throughout the entire process. My heart aches for their needless self-recriminations and fears. I want to hug them all.

I vividly remember once being in a group therapy situation, where I was describing a situation that had happened, in more of a logical, factual, clinical, flat-toned kind of way. “How did that make you feel?” the facilitator asked me. I answered him with more logical, sensical, matter-of-fact words, as if the situation was casual and had happened to someone else. “But, aren’t you angry?” he asked me pointedly, staring me down. “Of course I’m angry!! Why shouldn’t I be angry?!? This was wrong! It hurt! I didn’t deserve it!!” I blurted out emotionally, and loudly and full of tremorous rage. My explosion seemed to bring the room to a hush. Even I was surprised by my outburst. I had such a vulnerability hangover after that situation, I remember going to McDonalds right after the meeting and binging on chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers.

I write this blog for me. I love to write. Writing is my favorite creative outlet. It is my favorite path back to me. But I also pray that this blog helps people. I pray that things that I have gone through in my own life and my experiences that have I learned from (in good ways and bad), as “a mother,a daughter,a wife,a friend,a writer,a woman,a sister,a niece,a dog-lover, and mostly just another human being” can be a source of comfort and guidance and validation for others. We when share our passions and our ideas and our talents and our vulnerable hearts with others, that’s when we realize how connected everything really is on this Earth. When we share of ourselves, that’s when we realize that we truly are not alone. We all have the ability to be someone else’s “angel on Earth”, and also the beneficiary from “angels on Earth” from time to time. The system is designed that way, if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and true and open and to surrender to our own deepest wisdom.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2036. What’s in your perfect trail mix?

Ambiguous Grief

“People don’t become estranged from safe people.” – Josh Connelly

I’m not going to go into details, but I’m sad to say that I have been estranged from certain family members for several years now, and the choice to go no contact with these family members is the most difficult, yet most necessary decision which I have ever made in my life. And although this is definitely the right decision for me to have made, it is something that pains me greatly. It feels like a grieving process that never ever ends. When someone is still alive whom you grieve for, it is called ambiguous grief and it is sad, and confusing and never ending, and still filled with a tiny twinge of unhelpful hope. It’s hard to come to complete acceptance and closure in this situation. It’s hard to assuage the feelings of guilt, realizing that you may have inflicted some ambiguous grief on to someone else, only because for your own health and sanity, you had to make the choice to disengage completely from the relationship.

I knew that these particular relationships were unhealthy since I was a child. When I was a teenager I would comb the library trying to understand what I knew was wrong, but I didn’t have a name for it. When I first entered therapy in my twenties (hiding my car in a separate parking lot, terrified someone would know that I was there) I learned the term narcissism. This was in the 1990s. The internet was hardly what it is now. I had never heard the term “narcissism” before and it was such a relief to have an understanding of what was clearly happening in some of my closest relationships. I also learned terms like “enmeshment” and “boundaries” and “emotional abuse.” I know that you can find a gazillion resources about these terms on the internet now and that is a Godsend, but at the time, these resources were not so readily available.

It took me another twenty years, until I was in my mid-forties, having gone through years of therapy (two different therapists, plus group therapy, plus codependency help groups, plus online support, plus reading every self-help book available to me about the subject that I could get my hands on), and having tried every boundary suggestion possible, in order to make these relationships still work in my life, that I finally hit my bottom. My pitcher was full, and I could not take another drop of pain. I finally realized that nothing was going to change, and for the health and sanity of myself, and to be the best mother and wife for my immediate family, I had to go no contact with these people. It broke my heart. I’m a “fixer.” I wanted to “fix this” more than anything else. But it couldn’t be fixed. It took every bit of strength and courage that I had in me to make this decision to go no contact with these family members, and to stick with it. It still does.

Like I said, I don’t want to get into too many personal details, but I wanted to write this for those of you who may be questioning someone else’s choice to be estranged from their family members. (It’s more common than you think.) I assure you, these decisions are NOT made easily. They are grueling, and long in coming, after years and years and years, of trying and hoping and enduring great suffering. And estrangement isn’t even a perfect solution. It’s just the better of two evils. And once the decision is made, more societal shame is often heaped upon the victims for making this decision. It’s interesting to me that people are quick to “guilt” people who leave toxic relationships with people whom they are related to, but these same people are also quick to “guilt” people who are in toxic romantic relationships, to get out and to stay out. Why should anyone remain in any toxic relationship, no matter what that relationship happens to be?

I am happily married for almost 30 years. Our four adult children are thriving in their adult lives and we have great relationships with all of them. We live in a nice house and take nice trips and walk our nice dogs. I have sometimes gotten the insinuations from people that since I have a “great” life, I couldn’t have possibly lived through decades of abuse. If you could only realize how hard I have worked for my “great” life, making it my biggest goal and priority above all else, working on myself and my feelings and my understandings, every single day of my life to this day, you would understand better. People hide the hard stuff they go through. It’s our human nature. It’s our survival instincts. Often we hide the truth from ourselves, keeping ourselves in denial of the bad stuff, and of the toxic degree of the bad stuff, because it’s our only way through it . . . . until it isn’t.

I’m fortunate that I have dear friends and family who have supported me wholeheartedly throughout this experience, and I am forever grateful to you all. I love you all so much. I know that a lot of people don’t have this same kind of support and understanding. You all have helped me to heal in so many ways, and to open my heart to trust, more than you could ever understand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am writing this today to help others in my position, as you’ve gotten to know me and my heart, throughout my years of writing this blog. If you can accept and support me with this revelation that I have made today, please extend this same love, acceptance and support to others who have also had to make this dreadful decision, in their own lives. We really don’t know what anyone is dealing with in their private lives. This isolation and abuse is a lot to bear, without the extra pain of quick judgments, and guilt trips heaped onto a situation that you have not personally lived through, and you can’t possibly understand. People rarely lie about abuse. And accepting abuse is self-abuse, and no form of abuse is okay.

If you are a person struggling in any toxic relationship, please reach out for help. There are thankfully so many resources available now, thanks to the explosion of the internet and the new focus on the need for advances in mental health. Abusers thrive in secrecy. Accepting and sharing your truth, the truth, WILL set you free. It won’t be easy. But you deserve your own love more than anyone else in the world deserves it. You are the only one who can save you, and when you start doing that, you will be shocked at all of the support coming out of the woodwork to hear you, and to help you to help yourself.

“Less ‘You’re so strong’ and more ‘That looks heavy. Let me help you carry it.” – Nate Postlewait

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1329. Where is the strangest place you have ever fallen asleep?

Mindset

“The enemy is not a person. The enemy is a mindset.” – Daniel Lubetzky (founder of KIND bars)

I have always said that conflicts and wars are never going to cease, until people start looking at things in different ways. Beliefs are entrenched in us from childhood on. We live our lives based on our beliefs, but rarely do we examine our beliefs. Usually, we subconsciously act in ways that will enforce our beliefs. We live in places and we mostly interact with people who normalize our own beliefs. We are often scared to examine our beliefs for fear that we might have been mistaken, or that our beliefs are just conditioned from other people’s beliefs, and these beliefs aren’t actually our own, at our deepest cores. And then where does that leave us without the current framework of our entrenched beliefs?

I’ve written before about the time period in my early forties, when the life of our family “blew up.” We were “the poster kids” for the Great Recession. For years, we had gone along in our lives, in one entrenched way, and I honestly had convinced myself that it would not have been possible to take another direction, even if we wanted to change things up. I believed that we were “stuck” in one town, in one underwater house, in one stressful way of life, with very few options. And then the Universe forced our hands, and all of the sudden there were many options, which we didn’t even realize were available possibilities. We ended up here in Florida, in a better living situation, in every facet of our lives.

A wise friend of mine recently told me that before she makes major decisions or changes in her life, she opens up the proverbial file cabinet in her mind, and explores her beliefs about the situation in a detached manner. She writes them down and really explores if these old beliefs are actually true and make sense for the situation. She then writes down new beliefs that could be truer to her needs and her wants in the present time. My friend doesn’t beat herself up for beliefs that may have limited her in the past. She moves forward with a healthier, more open, more considered mindset.

What do you feel absolutely sure about but wish that you didn’t feel sure about it? Usually these are negative beliefs about health, finances, world problems, politics, relationships, your career, where you live etc. Open up that file folder in your mind, and really explore this belief. Byron Katie devised what she calls “The Work.” Use these four questions as a template to explore your beliefs. You may be shocked with the insights you glean about beliefs that you have been carrying with you for a really long time.

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2796. What excuse do you tell yourself far too often?

Monday – Funday

I know that I haven’t given the blog the attention that I usually give it these last few days. I’m in a pondering state of mind. It’s like I’ve finally fully accepted that my husband and I are truly empty nesters and now my mind wants to go to all of the “what ifs/what’s next/what do we do with this extra “freedom”/what is my/our vision for going forward.” This line of thinking takes me down many rabbit holes. It’s exciting and daunting and frustrating and interesting and something my husband and I both need a consensus on, in order to go forward with anything. I’ve written about this before, but this is an unsettling time in life, much like any other milestone period. It was mostly a well-defined path to drive the boat down the narrow stream of working, raising the family, limiting our choices to people/places/things etc. that made the most sense for “raising the family” in the best manner for us. Now our boat has landed from that narrow stream to the wide opened up mouth of the Gulf of Mexico. What makes the most sense for us right now? The paths are lot more wide open, and not quite as clear, than they had been for most of our adult lives. Having multiple choices can be formidable. And yet, my least favorite state of mind is “hanging in limbo.” I hate feeling directionless, and yet I know that the pondering and the considering and the weighing of options is vitally important before heading out to sea. Thankfully, my husband and I are yin and yang this way, in relationship to each other. So while we sometimes get really annoyed with each other, we also save each other from too many over-the-top impulse decisions, and yet also from sitting with too much paralyzing indecision, in equal form. We’re good for each other in this way.

And so my dear, wonderful readers, please bear with me in the coming days. Getting around to finally writing the blog this morning has actually been really cathartic for me. (Even though I was really wanting to stay exploring one of my deep diving rabbit holes.) Writing always helps me to see “where I am at”, and it helps to give me clarity. Writing is as good a reflection of oneself as any mirror, if you are willing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself. Writing helps one to “see” any situation more clearly.

To write well is to think clearly. That’s why it’s so hard. ~David McCullough.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2538. What is the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

Soul Sunday

Hi friends. Sorry to be MIA this weekend. I find myself distracted with researching a new project. I’ll be back in full form tomorrow. Perhaps on this Sunday (Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog) we should play around with haikus. Haikus are three-line poems with one line of five syllables, the next line having seven syllables and the final line having five syllables. Here is a good one:

I am distracted

Writing is good for my soul

So I will be back

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1355. What is your favorite part of the weekend?

Cheeky Friday

We had a lot of chipmunks in Pennsylvania when I was growing up. I’ve honestly never seen one in Florida. We have plenty of squirrels in Florida, but personally, I always preferred chipmunks to squirrels.

I feel like a little chipmunk this morning. I can’t seem to focus on any one thing. Today’s favorite for Favorite Things Friday is another brand of pen. (Big surprise) I read an article, earlier this week, from the New York Times’ Wirecutter about the best pen brand, voted on by their entire office. The winner is the Uni-ball Jetstream RT pen. So, of course I promptly ordered some of these pens on Amazon and they are great!! The best part about writing with the Uni-ball Jetstream RT pens, that stands out to me, is how fine-lined the results are when you write. I like a thin, crisp, elegant line of ink. As I always say, it’s the happy stream of the little delightful pick-me-ups throughout the day that add up, and makes for overall great days. When you find yourself saying thank you, throughout the day, you can’t help but go to sleep with a grateful heart.

“That softness around your eyes, a softness in your face. Almost the way you feel when you’re about to start crying. That, to me, is love. It can be romantic love, it can be friendship love, it can be family love, it can be love for a chipmunk. It can be love for anything.” – Moby

Have a great weekend, friends. I hope it is filled with softness and love!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2661. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be?

Happy Surprises

I am having one of those delicious weeks when there have been a few delightful surprises. On Sunday, we were originally supposed to pick up our daughter at around 10 pm from her flight coming in from London, at an airport two hours away. (She was flying with a friend from that town.) She had to drive back to college Monday morning, so I was dreading this late night situation for all of us. Thankfully and serendipitously, through no effort of their own, the girls were put on a different flight that got in at 7:30 pm, instead. It all came together in the best way possible.

This morning, I was reading an article about the best paper planners to purchase. From 2008-2022, I faithfully and lovingly used and adored my 8.5″ x 11″, Barnes and Noble hardcover desk diary, and then every year, I put each of their handsome black leather volumes on my shelf, to save for posterity. Then in 2023, the Barnes and Noble hardcover desk diary seemed to have disappeared. It appeared to have become a discontinued product. Much to my dismay, I couldn’t find one anywhere, in the stores or online, despite desperate attempts, on my part. (When I really want something, I’m like a dog on a bone, or even more like a wolf, or a lion on a bone.) This was the same for 2024. I have experienced two years of crappy, disappointing paper planners (despite spending hours trying to find a suitable replacement). So, as I was reading the article about planners this morning, I thought to myself, it wouldn’t hurt to look on Barnes and Noble’s website to see, if by any lucky chance, the hardcover desk diary was available for 2025. And you guessed it, it is available! And I put my order in, right away, with an enormous smile on my face! (This is huge for me. I love paper planners, like I love pens and perfume. Obsessions.)

Whenever any of my family members are worried or upset about something, I try to put on my best laid back, relaxed smile, and I breezily tell them to sit back and “Let Life love you.” (They mock me for this advice, in their best whiny mommy voices.) I remind them how things always seem to work out just fine. This is advice that is easier said than done. This is a time when I think, “Do as I say, not as I do.” In astrology, we are currently going through Mercury Retrograde for most of August. It is a time that you are said to expect snafus and last minute plan changes, and things from your past life, coming back for review. Like many people, when I get warnings like this, I immediately go to the negative. I think to myself, if there is any truth to astrology, then I am doomed. Doomed. I start gritting my teeth and bearing things, before they even happen. I am ashamed to admit that I rarely assume the positive. Maybe plans can change for the better? Maybe beloved discontinued products can come back for another round? Maybe Life is really rigged to love us, if only we let it do so . . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1204. What do you find ethereal? (Hint, the Cambridge dictionary says that ethereal means “very light and delicate, especially in a way that does not seem to come from the real, physical world“)