Monday – Funday

Good morning. I’ve had the most restful, restorative, balancing weekend. My husband has off of work today, so we both slept in. When we finally woke up, after experiencing a weekend full of rain showers, we looked out of our windows to witness a marvelous, sunny day. The picture above is the top of our screened in porch. The rain drops are sitting on top and they are being kissed by the sunlight and so they are creating the most beautiful, rainbow-y, glittery cover you’d ever want to see. Nature never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday, I read an interesting article. Sarah Sloat wrote an article for The Atlantic about “eldest-daughter syndrome”. Here are some quotes from the article:

“Women are expected to be nurturers. Firstborns are expected to be exemplars. Trying to be everything for everyone is likely to lead to guilt when some obligations are inevitably unfulfilled.”

“Being an eldest daughter means frequently feeling like you’re not doing enough, like you’re struggling to maintain a veneer of control, like the entire household relies on your diligence.”

“At least, that’s what a contingent of oldest sisters has been saying online. Across social-media platforms, they’ve described the stress of feeling accountable for their family’s happiness, the pressure to succeed, and the impression that they aren’t being cared for in the way they care for others. Some are still teens; others have grown up and left home but still feel over-involved and overextended. As one viral tweet put it, “are u happy or are u the oldest sibling and also a girl”? People have even coined a term for this: “eldest-daughter syndrome.”

I’m the eldest daughter and I found the article to be relatable, but I’m not convinced that it is just an “eldest daughter” thing. I think that it is a daughter thing. I think that it is a woman thing. I’ve known many eldest daughters who didn’t fit the definition of “people pleasing kin-keeper.” They set out on their own, striving for adventure and independence much like their brothers. However, unlike their brothers, they were often shamed for their actions, or made to feel selfish or unnatural.

Last month, my daughter brought home some college friends to attend a local festival in our area that is somewhat akin to our city’s own Mardi Gras. She also included some dear high school friends who attend different universities. Her boyfriend, who is also a student at a different university than our daughter, was also in town to celebrate with his friends. And our youngest son lives downtown near to where the festivities would be, and so our daughter wanted to be sure to see him and celebrate with him as well. At the end of the night, when our daughter and her friends, who were staying with us, came home, they all looked exhausted but happily satiated . . . . except our daughter. She looked mostly exhausted. She had been so busy trying to coordinate everyone else’s great times that she felt depleted, frustrated and slightful resentful that no one seemed to notice the efforts that she had gone to for this event. I hugged her hard and I snidely said, “Welcome to womanhood.”

What woman has not felt any of the emotions above? What woman has not felt any guilt for not fulfilling traditional society’s definitions of nurturer, daughter, sister, mother, etc.? What woman has not felt some secret resentment that the men in her life are not subject to these same standards and expectations? What woman has never asked herself, “I’m happy that everyone is having a wonderful time, but who in the hell is taking care of me? Who really cares if I am doing alright?”

When we “give to get” that’s called codependence. When we get all of our self-worth from what we do for others, without keeping what we are doing for ourselves, as an equal part in that equation, that’s called martyrdom, and martyrdom has a way of going down a dark road to a desperate loss of our own individual identities. When we define ourselves only as somebody’s wife/daughter/mother/sister, etc. we find ourselves empty when we ask ourselves, “Yes, but who are you?”

How to heal this? It’s the same as being able to heal anything. It starts with self-awareness. It starts with asking hard questions and being able to feel the uncomfortable feelings that often come with the true answers. It’s being able to define for yourself what your roles mean in your life, and what you are willing to do in these roles, even if others don’t agree with your choices. It’s creating boundaries. It’s defining “self-care”, and what that means for you. It’s developing self-worth that isn’t reliant on other people’s judgments and values, but those of your own. It isn’t easy. Healing is never an easy process, but to live the fullness of life and our own individual purpose, healing is crucial.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1446. What have you done that is out of character for you?

Soul Sunday

One of my friends commented on my post yesterday. My friend is one of those people who you can’t help but to instantly like (and her husband is the exact same way). I’ve never heard of anyone not liking her, or her husband. They are delightful. There is a saying that my grandmother used to say a lot when we were kids, “To know her, is to love her.” How wonderful to be one of those people in the world!

But getting back to business, today is poetry day on the blog. Since it is the week of Valentines Day, I am choosing to share a wonderful poem that Bob Marley wrote about love. (I consider my blog to be a curation of thought and of creativity, and it’s often not just my own thoughts and creativity. My blog is a collaboration with me, you, and many other interesting, past and present creators along the way. My blog is a thought museum, doused with a lot of emotional sauce and a bit of creative spice.) Bob Marley was a true master of the creative arts. Here is his poem:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only.

She loved before she may love again.

But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,

and the two of you may never be perfect together

but if she can make you laugh,

cause you to think twice,

and admit to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto her and give her the most you can.

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day,

but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her,

don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.

Smile when she makes you happy,

let her know when she makes you mad,

and miss her when she’s not there.”

― Bob Marley

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

650. How many pairs of shoes do you own? (my answer is – A LOT. I own A LOT of shoes.)

Kep and Collies

Credit: V&A

These are drawings that Beatrix Potter (author of Peter Rabbit and other beloved children’s classic books) made of her dog, Kep. Kep was a rough collie which is the same breed of dog as the legendary “Lassie.” (interestingly the Lassie TV series featured nine different collies, and they were all male) My father and my aunts were raised with a collie named Irish, who became a legend in our family lore. Irish might as well have been one of the Lassie actors, because by many accounts, he saved all of their lives more than once, by coming out of nowhere and attacking rabid wild animals that were out to maim precious, innocent school children. Still, Irish was also gentle and intelligent enough to meet the kids at the bus stop every single day, in order to escort them home.

Admittedly, I only half believed the hero collie stories that my father loved to recount about Irish. I saw fuzzy video footage of Irish, playing around and wrestling with my grandfather, and he appeared to be a majestic, beautiful dog as most collies are, but he died long before I was born. I never met the real-life version of Irish.

Years ago, when our four children were still young, our beautiful family dog – a rare, fun-loving Irish Water Spaniel named Little Bit had died of old age, and I wanted to get a new family dog, but I didn’t want to raise a puppy, as I had my hands full with my busy, energetic little children. Therefore, I put an ad on Craigslist asking if anyone needed to rehome a dog, whose purpose would be a family dog for a boisterous young family of two parents and four little kids. A while ago, on the blog, as a memorial to her recent death, I wrote this same story about how Lacey, our first collie, came into our lives. Still, the story bears repeating (as most of our legendary pet stories do). A farm couple reached out to me about needing to rehome a collie named Lacey. When I drove hours and hours into the deep countryside, I found a nervous, edgy Lacey to be flea-bitten, missing hair on her back where donkeys had kicked her, and she was being kept in a rusted cage with chihuahuas. (Please don’t judge these people. They didn’t live much better than she did. They had hoped that Lacey would have herded the donkeys, instead of getting harmed by them, and they recognized that she needed a better place to live. They gave me one of the best gifts which I have ever received in my lifetime, and for that, I will be forever grateful to them.) At that time, however, I was not enchanted with Lacey. I didn’t think that she “fit the bill” for what we were looking for in a family dog, but I didn’t want to leave her there, in that dire state, either. I brought Lacey back with me, with the full intention of giving her to a collie rescue, but we all know how that goes. Looking back, I believe that I probably fell in love with Lacey on the ride back home. The rest is history (and now family lore and legend).

We currently have another collie named Josie and let me tell you, everything that you have ever read, watched or seen about collies is true. “Lassie” is a true story. Period. Collies are the perfect mix of the most gentle, even-keeled, observant, sweet, intelligent dogs, with a strong flare of “look out, I will come out from nowhere, and cut you if you mess with me or my family, and you won’t even see it coming”. Lacey and Josie, both, were/are the leaders of the pack (we’ve always had multiple dogs) and yet, they carry their leadership so subtly, you wouldn’t even know it. They truly temper when to strike. Visitors have always loved our collies the best, out of all of the various dogs we’ve shared our lives with. Why not? Collies are beautiful, regal, elegant, friendly and mostly obedient. (When Josie doesn’t want to do something, and I pull on her leash, she does the “collie nose slide”, where she ducks her head in such a way that the collar slides off of her neck and down from her long, pointy nose. She then sits there, looks at me knowingly, and allows me to slide the collar back on to her neck. She humors us by wearing a collar, but Josie has made her point. “Lady, I’m not interested in going where you want me to go. I’ll do it on my own volition. Now let’s carry on.”)

Yes, we do have tumbleweeds of fur floating around our house on a regular basis. Yes, we do have a fur kid who announces the Amazon guy, pesky squirrels, and Ralphie, our Labrador retriever jumping into the pool, with a loud, insistent, alarming bark that does get annoying at times. And yes, we do have a dog who has made it her duty to be as loyal, loving, and measuredly, observantly protective as any dog can ever be. When I realized recently, that Beatrix Potter, one of my favorite authors, was another lover of rough collies, it made my heart sing. Kep. Irish. Lassie. Lacey. Josie. . . . . nothing less than legendary.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1058. What is something constant in your life?

Sweet, Sweet Friday

Credit: @contradiction70, X

Happy Friday!! Happy National Girl Scout Cookie Weekend!! (it’s a real thing – look it up) Happy Favorite Things Friday!! On Fridays, I try to shut my brain off, and stay with enjoying the sensuous stuff in life. Life is meant to be experienced, right? Nowhere ever is it said that life is meant to be overthought. Today’s favorite of mine is a food. I realize that my Friday favorites have mostly been good things to eat lately. This is because this is what happens when you tell yourself that you should finally get serious about losing a few pounds. The Universe says, “Ha!! Have you tried this amazing delicacy?”

My wonderful aunt and uncle gave us a tin of the absolute best chocolate covered peanuts that I have eaten in my life. (and I have eaten A LOT of chocolate covered peanuts in my lifetime. Just call me “Mrs. Goodbar”) Hubs (Hubbard Peanut Company) offers these delectables and now, unfortunately, I have a new addiction. I have not tried any of their other offerings (yet), but I promise you, if you purchase their chocolate covered peanuts, the enormous tin won’t last you a week. Here is their website:

https://www.hubspeanuts.com/

Have a delicious weekend, friends. Savor it. Savor your life. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2078. Do you like hot or cold food better?

Wowza Question

“A life-changing thought exercise: If you were the main character of a TV show, what would you be rooting – screaming at the screen – for them to do next?” (@alicellemee, X)

Oooof. I came across this quote yesterday on X. What an interesting question! Emotional distance really makes it easier to be clear on next steps, doesn’t it? The other day I was perplexed by a decision I had to make, and one of my dear friends helped me through it, by asking a lot of questions related to the situation. They were really good questions to ponder and these questions helped to see more options and consequences than my reactive state was allowing me to see. She didn’t advise me nor shame me, she just helped me to see things through different lenses.

The question above allows for emotional distance. It’s so much easier to tell other people and to yell at characters on TV about what their next moves should be. I think that if I were watching myself on TV (Firstly, I would likely be a little bored. I ain’t no Daenerys Targaryen, by a longshot) I probably would not be sure what she should do next, but I might be screaming, “Do something!! Please! Let’s make it a little more interesting, shall we?!” Maybe that’s the answer, in order to make life a little more tantalizing, try something new, every single day. And if that “something new” becomes a passion, roll with it. Hard.

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”– Nelson Mandela

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1193. Are you a hat person?

True Love

This is a Valentine for all of the people out there in the world who aren’t afraid to love fully. This is a Valentine for all of the people who robustly show, feel, and express their love for people, places, things, experiences, nature, hobbies – essentially, all of life, with the fullness of their whole, entire hearts. These people are the strongest, most whole people in the entire world. It takes vulnerability to love with everything you’ve got. Most people are too afraid to love at this level. And this is sad, because if we all took off all of the safety, protective equipment that we have chained all over our individual hearts, the world would move to a beautiful energy like we have never experienced before, in the history of life. For those of you who are brought to tears by the sheer awe of the beauty and miracles, happening all around us every single day, you are experiencing pure, uncontaminated love, and your beautiful love emanates all around you, and moves through everything, and touches the experiences of all of us. Remember, feeling love never hurts. Feeling love feels better than anything. It is lack of love that hurts. It is painful to hold in, and to shut down love. Unconditional love requires nothing in return. Yes, we can desire to be loved back. We can wish someone who has passed was still here in human form, to share our human form of love, but true, authentic love doesn’t require a pair. Love just is. Love is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude, astonishment, reverence, wonder, enthrallment for who and what you are beholding in your every moment’s experiences. If you have given something or someone the gift of your fullest love, you have given them everything. Because the truth is, Love is everything. And like a persistent flower that pokes out of the most desolate pile of concrete in the world, love cannot be stopped. Why not chose to be fertilizer for love? You are loved. You ARE Love. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1931. Who can you be yourself around?

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ This is for my friends and family, up north. I do miss seeing and experiencing the beauty and the serenity and the quiet of blankets of freshly fallen snow. Our eldest son lives up north. He just sent us a picture from his back balcony. There’s a large house behind his apartment building that is painted a bright Kelly green. It is a good reminder that there is always the green of new growth hidden under the blankets of stillness and solitude.

+ On X yesterday, the Wiseconnector posted this: “Someone said, ‘A lot of people struggle with sleep because sleep requires peace.’ ” I believe that peace is extremely helpful for sleep. Inner peace, or else utter exhaustion that finally leads to pure surrender, is what helps us to get a good night’s sleep. Perhaps this means that it is total surrender that is truly equal to peace?? Another quote that I read recently said this: “Accept the unacceptable and the unacceptable ceases to exist.”

+ On the eve of Valentine’s Day I got to thinking about the wonderful word of “our”. “Our” denotes the things that we share and enjoy with others. I have so many “ours” with my husband. Our marriage, our family, our friends, our home, our dogs, our vacations, our dinners, our shows, our memories . . . . . I have a lot of “ours” with a lot of different people in my life. Think of all of the “ours” you have in your own life. “Our” means that we share a common love, time, appreciation and experience with a lot of the same things, and a lot of the same people. At work, you have “our” workplace, “our” goals, “our” lunchroom. . . . . With your friends you have “our” other friends, “our” good times shared, “our” inside jokes. . . . With your pets you have “our” walk time, “our” cuddle time, “our” favorite spots to be together in the house . . . . Friends, we have this time together at “our” blog. You have made this blog “ours” by validating it with your presence, your consideration, your time, your kindness, and your thoughtful comments. I love you. I appreciate you. I am so happy that you are part of one of my own “ours.” Think of some of your other “ours.” We don’t live life in a vacuum. We are all interconnected. Even your community has “our” parks and “our” grocery stores and “our” schools and “our” firefighters . . . . No one is alone.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1672. What still amazes you? (The first two things that popped into my head the minute I saw this question are dolphins and sunsets.)

Monday – Funday

Credit: @ArgyllSeaGlass, X

Mondays are tough. Mondays after a Super Bowl that goes into overtime are brutal. What I do love about the Super Bowl is that it is a great connector of people. Even if you don’t love football, you can’t help but giggle at the commercials, be completely wowed by the halftime show (Skates! Usher, you blew it out of the water!), and feel your patriotism rise a little bit. (the flyovers never fail to take my breath away.)

I was flipping through Big Panda and Tiny Dragon by James Norbury. On page 28, is this exchange:

“Nothing is happening,” said Tiny Dragon.

“Maybe,” said Big Panda, “it’s happening underneath first.”

I love this exchange. Sometimes in the beginning of the year, you feel like everything that you want to accomplish and experience is at a standstill. But you’ve made plans. You’ve implemented changes. You’ve gotten organized and did some purging to make room for the new, but your outsides don’t necessarily reflect this. Or do they? We’ve lived 6 weeks into the new year. I bet if you look at these past six weeks, you’ll be amazed at what you packed into them, and all that has already occurred in your life since the beginning of the new year. I did this exercise yesterday and I was happy to realize that in the last six weeks, we created a lot of fun memories with our family, and also with some of our extended family and friends. We attended a wedding, made a couple of nice upgrades to our home, and made some decisions regarding our plans for a secure future. We packed plenty of our normal routine stuff into our days, with some really good, fun times sprinkled into the mix. Our seeds for the year of 2024 are definitely coming up to the surface and they are beginning to sprout.

Reading this passage from Big Panda and Tiny Dragon, also made me question if I was doing a good job, making sure what happening “underneath” is being healthfully nurtured. Am I feeding and nurturing my hopes and dreams, for the year and beyond, with good thoughts, faith, plans of action, and steadiness? Or am I letting what’s “underneath” rot in the decay of negativity, regret, hopelessness, aimlessness and frenzy? What happens underneath the soil, is always a good indicator of how healthy and vital a plant will grow. What does my own grounding of soil need to ensure my own healthy growth? I am the gardener of my soul.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

194. To whom do you matter most?

Soul Sunday

We just had a wonderful time with friends who recently moved to Florida from up north. So they are so full of joy and excitement and adventurously exploring all of the different things to do around here. We have lived here for 13 years now, so it has become our “normal.” Being with them, revitalizes my own delight for where we live. I get to see my “same old/same old” with fresh new eyes. It is such a lovely gift. It is truly a gift when you feel revitalized by someone else shining their bright light on what you have gotten used to seeing, and thus sometimes leave in the dark shadows. Today, on poetry day on the blog, I am only going to share one of Kahlil Gibran’s shortest, truest poems.

“Desire is Half”

Desire is half of life.

Indifference is half of death.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2740. What is something that you’re are afraid to try?

Stream of Thought

I just read a story about the second oldest woman in the world. She is 116. She was born when Theodore Roosevelt was president.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that if we are lucky enough to grow old, we live through a lot of decades. We live through an incredible amount of change. My friends and I laugh that often we no longer recognize who the stars are on the covers of magazines. Sometimes it feels like I have entered an entirely different world from the one I knew.

We all adapt to change. It’s not really a choice. But how often do we embrace change?

What decade of your life do you feel like you most belong to? What decade did you feel the most comfortable in your own skin? Which worlds of your lifetime resonated the most? Is it wise to believe that the best is yet to come?

A friend recently remarked, “Curiosity killed the cat.” I replied, “But satisfaction brought him back.” She laughed. She had never heard the second line. I honestly believe that curiosity is my lifeline. I don’t want to revel in old “glory days.” I want to have glorious days until the end of my life. And I do believe that this is possible.

“When our mind is in shambles and we dare to reflect on the story of our life, we may discover, in the stream of our thoughts, the fault line between what we have underfelt and what we have overthought on our way.”
― Erik Pevernagie

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

830. Name your secret obsession.