admin, Author at Adulting: Second- Half

Judgment Day

As I get older, I have a fear of becoming extremely judgmental and set in my ways. Now that’s judgmental in itself, me presuming that older people ARE more judgmental and set in their ways than younger people. This self realization lead me to do some homework on this topic of judgment versus discernment.

When my four kids were little and they would be making fun of each other’s haircuts or outfit choices or the ways that they each laughed or ran or threw a ball, I would spout out this “groaner” statement, “There has never been a statue erected to a critic.” In time, my youngest son, who I have more than once suggested has a tendency to be inflammatory, would say, “Actually Mom, there is a statue erected to the movie critic Roger Ebert in Illinois.” This would start the chain of snickering and they’d all be friends again. Kids against Mom. Mission accomplished. 😉

Anyway, I decided to do some studying on the difference between being judgmental and being discerning. Being judgmental or not being judgmental, seems to be a hot topic these days. These are the days of the idea that everyone’s the same, everyone gets a trophy and yet, there’s been a lot of backlash against the practice of “trophies for everyone.” I understand that backlash. I don’t deserve a trophy for singing or dancing. Those aren’t my talents. Other people are better at singing and dancing than me. That doesn’t make them better people than me, just better singers and dancers. Way better.

The topic of being judgmental has a lot of weightiness to it because of the religious undertones. “Let he who has not sinned, cast the first stone,” comes to mind the minute I think of the judgment topic. The Bible itself is telling us not to be judgmental. But if we didn’t have judgments, if we didn’t recognize differences, would mankind have even evolved? Would we even exist? That’s when I really started researching preferences or discernment versus judgment.

Now I like to simplify things. I have always thought that those yellow Dummy books like “Home Buying for Dummies” for instance, were just great. So, I have dummied the whole “judgment versus discernment idea” down for myself. I find it helpful. I hope that others do, too and that I’m not the only “dummy” on the subject.

Let’s pretend that we are in a park and we see a cute, tail wagging puppy and we also see a snarling tiger. The non-judgmental, non-discerning person will say, “Puppies and tigers are just the same. I’m going to love up on both of them!” Even us dummies can see that this is a recipe for disaster. The judgmental person will say, “Tigers are BAD, EVIL creatures. Their only motivation in life is to maul and eat people. I’m going to start an “I HATE TIGERS” club to get others to agree with me and validate my opinion which is the only right opinion to have about tigers.” This is showing a lot of hate and fear, a need for control and a need for outside agreement and validation for the judging person’s opinion. It is also making sweeping generalizations about tigers and their motivations that the judging person couldn’t possibly really fully know or understand. The discerning person will say, “My education, experience and gut instincts are telling me that I should keep a very safe distance from wild creatures like tigers. Domesticated puppies are likely to be safe, so I don’t have to keep my distance from the puppy.” Or the discerning person could say something like this, “I have a lot of background in animal behavior and I have a tranquilizer gun in my backpack. I find the tiger intriguing, so I will take calculated risks when approaching it.” The discerning person is making decisions for himself or herself based on facts, experience, gut instincts, and what is best for that individual person. The discerning person has no need for outside validation; they are comfortable with making their own assessments for what is right for themselves. The discerning person is coming from a place of self-confidence, self-protection and creating healthy boundaries for himself or herself without requiring other people to have those same boundaries for themselves. There is no religious edict that I know of that is against us being discerning.

That may seem like an oversimplified example, but if you put a person who has committed crimes in place of the word “tiger”, you can see how it fits. It is not being judgmental to not hire an arrested embezzler to invest your life savings. That is a discerning and wise choice. To say that the embezzler is a bad, evil person who did their crime because they only have hate in their soul is judgmental. The embezzler will go to jail to pay their consequences for committing a crime. That is all that there is to it. Those are the facts. In nature, there are no rewards or punishments, just consequences for behavior, thus leaving out judgment. Judgment is perhaps between us and our Maker only. But discernment shows that we have self-understanding, self-care and preferences. Discernment perhaps is a tool given to us by our Maker so that we can grow to be our own best selves. Discernment allows us to grow to the best of our own abilities in the safety and security of knowing and trusting ourselves and trusting our individual choices completely. Discernment says, “I know what is best for me. I know what I like and I know what I need.” Discernment is a tool for us to use individually. It doesn’t try to control other people.

I’ll end this blog post with a description about one of my favorite cartoons that I cut out from The New Yorker magazine. In it, a boy and his mother are looking at a piece of modern art in a museum. The picture shows the mother saying something. The caption reads, “Instead of saying ‘It sucks’, try saying ‘It doesn’t speak to me.’ ” Judgment versus discernment. There is a difference.

If I Want To . . . .

My husband loves to quote Coach Willie Taggart, “The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude. So go have a great day if you want to!” We repeat this quote a lot to each other and to our kids, especially on Mondays. It’s a big responsibility to have a great day. There are so many obstacles in the way. Traffic, cranky people, an off-putting comment, an overflowing in-box, less than good sleep the night before, all seem to be roadblocks to the choice of having a great day. That’s the key word, though, right? Choice. We choose how we look at traffic, cranky people, annoying comments, huge workloads and sleepiness.

In today’s world, sometimes it doesn’t feel cool to be Pollyanna. You are almost expected to be cynical and sarcastic, if you want to be considered smart and “in the know.” In the end though, what matters more? How you perceive others to consider you to be or how you feel at the end of another precious day in your life? Traffic can be turned into the blessing of having a car, and having forced alone time to think and contemplate and rest, in your car. Cranky people can be a lesson in empathy and sending a silent prayer or blessing that connects you and the upset person to a force that holds both of you in the Highest of esteem. Annoying comments can be a lesson in self awareness as to why the comment pricked us and could there be merit or a lesson in the thought, despite its unfavorable form of transport? Huge workloads force us to prioritize and take tasks, methodically, one at a time. I read once that we are all going to die with our in-boxes full. Again, it is looking at things in a different perspective. Sleepiness is just our bodies telling us to remember to prioritize our rest. A quote I often think of is that your body is your soul’s address. Be a good landlord.

I don’t think having a great day is always an easy task in our modern world. But it is a task that I think is definitely worth pursuing. So, thanks Coach, I will have a great day. If I want to . . . .

I’m Grateful

RIP John McCain – Thank you for your service to our country.

I don’t ever want to politicize this blog. I’m not a very politics oriented person. However, I will always be grateful to those who serve our country. Thank God for all of the people who are willing to do the jobs that make my life and the life of my family members easier, safer and free. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

John McCain was a prisoner of war for many, many years. He was tortured, starved and isolated. I’m in total awe of people who can go through personal tragedies of that magnanimity and come out the other side still being able to function, serve and grow. How inspirational! What a reminder of the resilience of the human spirit!

I read once an interview with several former prisoners of war. Despite the horrific torture, pain and solitary confinement many of them had gone through, it was almost unanimous that the starvation was the worst part of their ordeals. I’ll probably enjoy a nice brunch with my family today. I don’t even think about the idea that there won’t be enough food for me and my family to eat today or any day. What a blessing that is in itself!

I guess sometimes you don’t know how good you have it in life, until something is taken away. All of the things that we take for granted on a daily basis are in fact accumulations of blessings. Thank God for the farmers and the harvesters and the truckers who drive the food to our stores. Thank God for the people who work in our stores to give us access to the harvest. Thank God for our ability to pay for our bounty and for the physical ability to ingest our food and savor its multitude of flavors. Meals are just one of our many, many daily blessings.

I hope that today we are all blessed with a sense of utter gratitude for the many, many miracles that will form this just one single day in our lives. I am incredibly grateful for you, readers of my blog. Thank you for making me feel that what I have to say has worth and is of interest to read. Every act of kindness is an act of love and in the end, love is really what it is all about.

I’ll Just Wear My Feet

For most of my adult life I’ve worn high heeled shoes. In fact, I would get so many comments on that fact that I used to joke that I had Barbie doll feet, so they weren’t capable of going flat. When I do wear flats, I feel like I’m walking funny. My friend mimicked my flat shoe walk one time and it wasn’t cute. Can you say “quack, quack”?

As I’m getting older though, the heels that I wear are definitely more of the wedge variety. I’m in awe of the women who can walk around in the spiked heels without grimaces on their faces. When the Taylor Swift concert was over the other night, we saw many women carrying their spiked heels as they hobbled out to their cars. Our Uber driver commented on the fact that he’s never seen women make it through any wedding without losing their heels for the comfort of their feet. He’s right. I’ve come home from more than one wedding or Christmas party and dumped my shoes into the garbage can before I even walked through the door to my house, vowing never to wear those shiny, pointy, expensive little torture devices strapped to nails, ever again.

When I was a teenager, I babysat for a little girl who when I would tell her to put her shoes on, she would politely say, “No thank you. I’ll just wear my feet.” She was on to something. I love walking around in my bare feet. I’m pretty sure that is mostly what nature intended. I’m pretty sure that our feet weren’t designed to sustain the pressure of a 4 ton elephant standing on them. Our feet don’t look anything like elephant feet.

I’m pretty sure down the line, high heeled shoes are going to be in the history books of shameful practices imposed on women, like the Chinese foot binding. I don’t think high heels are necessarily imposed on us, though. We like how we look when walk in them. We like the extra height and the extra wiggle it gives to our rears. Today’s feminism seems to be very much a Helen Gurley Brown’s Cosmopolitan oriented feminism. It says I’ll look as sexy as I want to look, but while I’m wearing these 4″ heels and long, fake eyelashes, I will also run this organization like nobody’s business, I will tell this news story and interview this sports star with “no hold back” brazenness, and I’ll stand up for my personal space and dignity with a big black #. You can look, but don’t touch boys, unless I say you can.

As an older, more conservative woman, I have to admit that I have mixed feelings on my perceptions of today’s feminism. Having a loving husband and three kind sons, makes me more sensitive to the male point of view than I have ever been in my life and I don’t want my daughter to think that her value comes from her looks. That being said, when I’m not just “wearing my feet”, I love strapping on a new pair of gorgeous, girly, glittery, elevated shoes in anticipation of good times ahead. I’m not even sure that there is any kind of statement or meaning or manipulation tied to wearing them, at least consciously. I think it is just a matter of feeling fine and knowing that I can take them off whenever I want.

FTF

FTF – Favorite Things Friday! Were you thinking it meant something dirty?? There are so many acronyms these days. Thank goodness for being able to google the Urban Dictionary or I may not be able to communicate with my kids in text form. On a different note, I saw this quote on one of those funny napkins yesterday:

“This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.”

I don’t think that salads were created for Fridays. Friday is all about letting loose, letting your hair down, and “sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy”! My favorite days are days when everyone is really happy and Friday has the best chance for being that day! 🙂 On to favorite things:

The Daily Skimm – A good friend from college recommended this daily email service and for me, it is the perfect amount of daily news. I avoid watching the news like the plague. (especially these days – it’s just all too depressing) This gives the highlights of the major headlines of the day without going into too much detail. The summaries are light and funny and include links if you want to go into a particular news story at a deeper level. So, I am able to remain informed without getting too obsessed and too downhearted. My husband and I have a daily morning routine, in which I read The Daily Skimm aloud to both of us while he is getting ready for work. It’s a daily moment that I treasure. Here is a link to join, if you are interested: http://www.theskimm.com/?r=fdfcd0ab

Spirituality and Health Magazine – I discovered this wonderful publication when I had a job merchandising magazines. (btw, that was the best part time job ever- it was like getting paid to exercise and read! LOL) I love the articles, ideas and book suggestions in this magazine. Mostly though, like most of the magazines I subscribe to, I have one feature that I turn to first and is probably the primary reason why I subscribe to the magazine. That feature in this magazine is a monthly column by Rabbi Rami Shapiro called Roadside Assistance for the Spiritual Traveler that I think is just great. The author is a very wise, insightful man and his answers to questions always make me think and reflect. Rami Shapiro is also the author of several books.

SpiritCups by Capital Cups – Over the many years of school/sports fundraising for my four kids, I have cringed at some of the items we were supposed to pimp to our family, friends and neighbors. Usually my husband and I decided to just take “the hit” ourselves because we couldn’t look ourselves in the mirror asking our loved ones to buy filthy expensive wrapping paper that tore the minute you touched it. However, being mostly past the fundraising years, this is an item that I would actively look for a cute, sporty looking kid in the neighborhood with a clipboard and uniform, to sell to me. The cups we have purchased from this company are all decked out in our favorite teams’ logos and they last FOREVER! These are our go-to daily cups for everything we drink. They are dishwasher safe and unbreakable. My eldest son quit playing football when he was about 12 and we still have the cups that we purchased from his Pop Warner days and they are still in good shape. He’s 22 now. I’m not sure if you can purchase them just as a consumer, but if you are in charge of some fundraising, look into selling these cups. They are great!!

I’ll end on a Friday quote I saw recently:

There’s just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka!

Thanks, as always for reading and sharing my day!

Faking Smiles

I mentioned recently that one of my favorite things is my daily meditation book, Meditations for People Who Worry by Anne Wilson Schaef. Yesterday’s meditation talked about bad moods. The timing was uncanny because Tuesday I was in a rotten mood for no particularly good reason. Sometimes bad moods just happen. A friend of mine recently shared the quote, “Was it a bad day? Or was it a bad 5 minutes that you milked all day?” Tuesday I was a milkmaid.

In the meditation, Schaef talks about how “catchy” bad moods can be for the people around us. It is so true. How many times have you walked into a store, or a restaurant, or a salon and just felt the negative energy in the air? You feel yourself being repulsed and you don’t even know why. In an ideal world, we all have the healthy boundaries to say that the other person’s lousy mood is all about them. It doesn’t have anything to do with us and we remain our happy little Pollyanna selves. That is correct in theory, but most of us have a little sponginess in us that soaks some of that negativity right up. Schaef says that when we are in a bad mood (it happens), it is our responsibility to own it and to warn others of our mental state. She says to kindly assure others around us that our mood state is “ours” and it has nothing to do with them. Let them know that we need a little space, which most people are happy to give to people in crummy moods. Even if we know someone’s bad mood isn’t related to our doings, angry, grumpy people aren’t the most fun people to be around. She says that this “warning device” is the best for all parties involved. Of course, when you are in a really bad mood you can always take the more selfish advice of Bill Watterson (creator of the cartoon Calvin and Hobbes): “Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.” That could be more fun.

Windows of the Soul

Keeping on the theme of sparkles, I love sparkly-eyed people. They always look like they are in on some fabulous secret. Sparkly-eyed people have the look like they know about the incredible surprise party that’s about ready to happen and they just can’t wait for the reaction. My grandmother used to say fondly, “They look like they have the knick in ’em.” I think she meant that mischievous, fun quality that some people just seem to have in spades.

My favorite picture of our four children is a picture that was taken right after my daughter was born. My good friend, an excellent photographer agreed to come over to our home to do a photography session when my daughter was only about a week old. How she ever got four children ages eight and under to come together for photos that will always be my lifetime favorites just proves her talent! In my favorite picture, my two middle sons have caught each other’s eyes and are looking at each other with naughty little grins and sparkly eyes, as their responsible big brother gazes lovingly at the tiny little baby girl in his arms. My second son, an instigator and pot-stirrer by nature, looks like he is doing everything he can do to get his little baby brother with the big, giant conscience to let loose, just by the devilish look in his sparkly eyes. They aren’t kidding when they say that a picture tells a thousand words.

I cut out a picture from a magazine years ago. In the picture, three lovely elderly women, all decked out in flowery dresses are laughing joyfully at something that tickled all three of them. They all have sparkly eyes that seem to shine from the picture, even though the picture is worn and old. Under the picture, is a caption, a quote from Lauren Bacall. It says, “I think your whole life shows in your face, and you should be proud of that.” I’m guessing that sparkly-eyed people don’t take their lives too seriously. I’m also guessing that they have a lot of laugh lines that they haven’t bothered to “fill in” because sparkly eyes emphasized by laugh lines are a beauty and a treasure to behold!

Sparkle Face

Right after reading my blog, make a point of looking up Ellen Degeneres’ Glitter Has Got To Go stand-up routine. That’ll be your laugh for the day. The first time I saw her do that routine, I was waiting in a doctor’s office waiting room and I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. I’m not subtle when I think things are funny. My family gets a bigger charge out of watching me laugh at comedians, than watching the comedians themselves.

The reason why the Glitter routine came to mind is that I have had an ongoing problem with Sparkle Face for most of the summer now. For some reason, one of my favorite make-up brushes (not sure which one) has been transferring iridescent green sparkles on to my face – not a lot of sparkles, just a random sprinkling which land on different areas of my face like little green, shiny freckles or zits. The crazy thing is that the sparkles don’t show up right away. The must be buried into my relatively heavy “Please Make Me Look Younger, Lifted and Wrinkle Free” foundation and powder duo and then only start glistening and shining hours later, usually when I’m in public.

Now I know that some people get insulted when others tell them that they have broccoli or poppy seeds stuck in their teeth, but I think it is a kind gesture to tell another person about their unplanned teeth decorations. You are just showing them that you love them and don’t want them to be embarrassed. People are funny when they want to tell you about something in your teeth, though. Instead of just saying it, they make funny motions with their hands towards their own teeth. They’re trying to be subtle but the charade playing is anything but discreet and it is pretty funny to watch. My husband, kids, friends and random strangers have all been sweet with their concerns about letting me know about my Sparkle Face. They point to their own faces and kind of swirl their fingers around their cheeks. “You’ve got something green and shiny on your face. You’ve got a sparkle on your nose. Did you want that there?”

The bad thing about these damn green, iridescent sparkles is that they must be attached to super glue, because they are next to impossible to get off my face once they appear. Part of me wonders if they are blooming out of my pores and actually have sparkly little roots underneath my skin. I always thank my kind, “let me help you stop embarrassing yourself” posse and then I start digging away at the sparkle hoping that if it won’t disappear, that it may get dirty and at least not catch the light. I try to at least lower the glisten factor.

You may be thinking, “Why don’t you just throw away your make-up brushes?” If you are thinking that, you are not a woman who wears make-up. My make-up brushes are broken in. Their hairs are perfectly matted to the contours of my face. This doesn’t happen overnight. Plus, I’m stubborn. I’m also stumped as to where the sparkles came from in the first place. I’m 47 years old. I’m all about loosening the guidelines on how to dress appropriately as you are aging, but I know that I am way past the Sparkle Pony stage and I’m happy for that.

If this continues, the Sparkle Face at least may look a little more appropriate as the holidays approach. Or if I’m really lucky, it’ll start showing up as a must-do trend on the covers of magazines. I’m not holding my breath on that though. I’ll just keep on shining my Sparkle Face until the last little glimmer disappears from my brushes. I just hope that the sparkles aren’t capable of reproduction.

Charmed, I’m Sure

Years ago I worked for a small “mom and pop” company. Every morning when I would walk through the door, the owner would warmly and happily exclaim, “There she is!” That greeting always made me feel so welcome and special. After decades, I got reunited with a childhood friend. One of the first things she reminisced about was the nickname my father had given to her. She said it had always touched her and she’d never forget it. One time I was staying with a friend at her home. Back then I thought Diet Coke was the “Breakfast of Champions.” I’ve matured a little since then, but I’ll never forget opening my guest room door in the morning and seeing a cold, frosty Diet Coke waiting for me right outside the door. There was a skylight there and the sunlight was beaming on the Diet Coke, like it had been sent from Heaven. In a way, it had been. When my beloved grandmother died, a fellow soccer dad sent me a kind sympathy card with a lovely poem enclosed. The poem touched me so much that I have included it in every sympathy card I have ever sent since (unfortunately too many to count). I have heard that the poem has been read in many funerals.

Kathleen Winsor said that “Charm is the ability to make someone else think that both of you are pretty wonderful.” When I started looking up information about charm one of the first articles to pop up had a title that was something to the effect of “20 Signs that You are a Charming Person Without Being Aware.” I think that is the essence of charm right there. It is genuine, sincere kindness with no ulterior motives attached. A truly, naturally charming person is unaware of how much they have elevated the person they have touched. Like H. Jackson Brown said, “People may not exactly remember what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

Dale Carnegie has a famous, often repeated saying, “To be interesting, be interested.” When someone describes a charming person, they often say that the person made them feel like they were the only person in the room, even if the room was a stadium full of people. I remember a friend telling me about going to an event to see the Dalai Lama. It was a stadium event, and it was sold out. She said that the Dalai’s presence was so calm, peaceful, loving and tranquil that she had to look around herself more than once, to make sure that she wasn’t the only person present.

In today’s world with so many different information outlets and media content, it seems like everyone is scrambling for their “15 Minutes of Fame.” My son often repeats the saying that never before have lives so unlived, been so well-documented. I sometimes feel a bit precious writing this blog. I think that is why charm is such a warm, special quality. The enthusiasm, sincerity and attention is all directed at others, which is such a rarity in a selfie obsessed time period. Like all traits, charm can be used for good or for bad, depending on the intentions of the charmer. Nonetheless, when it is used for good, it is a quality that is a difference maker in people’s lives and experiences, sometimes in ways that create lifetime memories and feelings that will never be forgotten.

New Normal

My friend was texting our friend group last night. She had just dropped her eldest daughter at college for the first time and was going through the inevitable turbulent feelings that come with that scenario. We, of course, were all comforting her, letting her know that she will soon come to accept and maybe even end up liking her “new normal.” Ironically at the same time, my husband and I were driving home from dropping our second son at his college for his sophomore year. Unlike last year’s teary, dramatic good-bye with our son, this year’s good-bye was short and sweet. I feel nothing but excitement for him. I’ve been through this drill a few times. It’s not new to me or to him. I know that everything is going to be just fine. Having kids go to college and even having a child leaving the nest completely has become my “new normal.”

I wonder how many “new normals” you have had to come to accept by the time you are middle aged. If change is the only constant, I would imagine the “new normal” number runs in the thousands. Marriages, divorces, births of children, all the different stages of a child growing up, job changes, new pets, diagnoses of chronic illnesses and conditions, moves to different homes, new schools, new places of worship, the illnesses and losses of loved ones, the list goes on and on. I think the beauty of getting older, is that you’ve gotten that “new normal” experience under your belt so many times. Having this experience to lean on when you are dealing with the inevitable rough feelings that comes with change, helps you to know that you are going to be okay, even more than okay. You have proven it to yourself, again and again. Buddhists have a saying that “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” When our “new normals” are first thrust upon us, the scary, lonely, fearful, angry, painful feelings are real and must be processed. However, we can lean on the fact that our current lives are a culmination of a giant stack of “new normals” that we have accepted before. We can limit our suffering with that calm, peaceful acceptance that we can handle this change like we have handled the many changes that came before and the many other changes that our coming our way in the future, all in this roller coaster ride we call Life.