admin, Author at Adulting: Second- Half

The Earth Has Stopped

Yesterday, I read this quote in my meditation:

“It was one of those days so clear, so silent, so still, you almost feel the earth itself has stopped in astonishment of its own beauty.” – Katherine Mansfield

I think that is one of the most poignant, beautiful lines I have ever read. I had never heard of the author, so thanks to the wonders of the internet I was able to find out everything I could possibly want to know about Katherine Mansfield. She was a short story writer, from New Zealand. She was friends with D.H. Lawrence and Virginia Woolf. She passed on in 1923 due to tuberculosis at the young age of 34.

I think that quotes like the one above are why I love the written word. When someone can help encapsulate what I am experiencing, thinking, feeling in one short statement, I think that it is nothing short of a miracle. I think this is also why I love nature. The author passed in 1923, but yesterday when I was walking a trail in a nature preserve with my husband and my dogs, I experienced exactly what she wrote. The awe that I felt for the still nature around me almost took my breath away. Nature is not timeless, but for our lifespans, it might as well be.

I don’t really have anything else to say about this. Katherine Mansfield’s statement says it all and I am in awe of that. And I look forward to experiencing that “earth has stopped” moment again and again for the rest of my life.

It’s A Sign

A good decade ago, I belonged to a book club and the book that we were reading and discussing one month was Still Alice, which was focused on the subject of Early Onset Alzheimer’s disease. We were all still in our thirties, but instead of discussing the book, someone had gotten a hold of psychological tests we could all take to make sure that we none of us were in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. We all nervously scrambled, taking the test quickly and anxiously. It’s a shame that we all wasted our time worrying, instead of enjoying the discussion about a really good book. We all came out “normal.”

I laugh at my foolishness then, but as I approach 50, I find myself questioning whether I need to take that test again. I read once that most people are as forgetful as they were in their 20s as they are in their 50s, its just that when you are in your 20s you don’t even question it. In your 50s, you notice everything that you forget. Lately, everything gets questioned as a sign of aging for me.

My right arm has been sore for a while. Now, keep in mind that I type more than I ever have, I walk around with an 82 pound labrador who is mediocre at best, on a leash and my purse has so much stuff in it, I might as well be carrying around a bowling ball. That being said, on a day that my arm was particularly sore, I started out believing that I might have a debilitating case of arthritis and because I had time to stoke my imagination, I soon started hyperventilating believing that I was having a heart attack. Dr. Google is not my friend.

My body can’t do the things that it did in my 20s and 30s. I have come to terms with that. It’s just that with the self awareness that comes with aging, it’s less easy to brush things off. A bad mood is all of the sudden a concerning menopausal hormonal imbalance or a desire for a new car becomes a midlife crisis. Other people are forgiving of the foibles of aging people. Maybe I should just take advantage of that fact and enjoy some forgiven kookiness that comes with the second half. If I can let go of some of the anxiety, it could be quite freeing.

Hurricane Hell

I am sending my most heartfelt prayers and love and concern for the people being affected by Hurricane Florence. We live in Florida and experienced Hurricane Irma last year. It is such a terrifying experience.

When we were in the Florida Keys one time, we took a picture of a billboard. This is what it said:

Life is like a camera. Just focus on what is important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out, just take another shot.

The Florida Keys are no strangers to hurricanes. You are going to be okay, dear Carolinas/Virginia friends. Everything’s going to be okay.

Hello Friday!

Happy Friday! “Sassy, classy, and still kickin’ assy!” – Maxine

“I know every day is a gift, but where’s the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.” -Anonymous

So, my daughter has been telling me for weeks about an item that she thinks that I should add to my Favorite Things Friday blogpost. (New readers, I show my ultimate superficial side on Fridays, by pimping retail stuff that I like and I encourage you to share about the stuff you like, too, in the Comments section.) So, I was going to add her item today until I saw that it has been discontinued. (Please see my previous blog post Where Did You Go? for a rant on how terrible it is when our favorite things get relegated to the Discontinued box.) As per my rant, I saw that this previous cheap drugstore item, now retails on ebay for around $32 and my daughter saw one on Amazon for over $700 this morning. If you have “funny money” to burn, the item is called Band-aid Friction Block stick. My daughter claims that this has been a lifesaver protecting her from the painful blisters that all of her new school shoes have been causing on her pretty little feet. I hope that she uses this block sparingly, because this is the last one that we’re going to spring for, at those prices.

Let’s go for some more realistic recommendations on Favorite Things Friday:

Natural Life Toothbrush Cover – I love the entire line of stuff from Natural Life It is such a cute, upbeat, wholesome company. Natural Life is like the Chick-fil-A of cute, girly stuff, in my mind. I’m sure I’ll feature other items from Natural Life down the line, but I had to start with their wonderful toothbrush covers. They are like adorable hair clips for the top of your toothbrush. The plastic cover clips over your toothbrush, protecting it from germs, broken blush, and exploded face cream, when you travel. I have two of them. One says, “No More Cooties!” and it has flowers and rhinestones and the other says “Llive Happy” and it features an adorable llama. It’s things like these that make being a female so much fun!

Avalanche Travel Dog Bowl – In case you haven’t noticed in previous blogs, we have two dogs. We are slaves to our dogs. My friend has dubbed our lab, “Prince Ralphie.” This collapsible silicone dog bowl, is perfect for when we take our dogs on hikes, the beach and other adventures, like escaping from hurricanes. (Thoughts and prayers go out to all of our dear friends in the Carolinas and Virginia and all other areas being affected by Florence! Hurricanes are horrible.) Anyway, these bowls are silicone and collapsible, so they are light, easy to carry and easy to store. They are perfectly easy to set up and fill with water and food for your furry princes and princesses! Then, when the fur babies are finished, the bowls are very easy to clean.

La Croix Sparkling Water – After being a Diet Coke addict for years and burning a couple of holes in my stomach, I decided I needed to change some of my habits. I drank a lot of water, but then I got bored. I missed my fizz fix. I tried all of the sparkling waters on the market, but this is “the one”. I keep coming back to La Croix and it totally satisfies me. My husband feels the same way. No calories, no salt, no artificial anything, and yet it still satisfies. It’s an acquired taste if you are used to a lot of sugar and flavor in your drinks, but once you accept the change, there’s no going back. La Croix is the bomb! It’s got that perfect amount of “sparkiness” that I like in my healthy drinks.

Okay, one more Friday funny and then let’s all go have a really nice weekend!

“Every Friday I feel like I deserve a new addition to my closet for all of my hard work during the week.”

Funny, but true. Go get yourself a cutesy toothbrush cover, at least.

True Apologies

Earlier this summer, our family had gone to a local water park for the entire day. We hired our long-time pet sitters to come to our home to take our dogs out a few times that day and to walk them. Our pet sitters are a lovely mother and daughter team who have watched our dogs when we have been away on vacation many times, sometimes even out of the country. They have always been reliable and responsible. It has always been a great comfort to us that they look after our sweet pets and even check up on our home when we are gone. Their service is truly good peace of mind for us.

Unfortunately, on this particular day, our pet sitters made a mistake and did not have us on the calendar for the right day. Later that afternoon, I realized I had not left a check out for them and I called them to let them know that I would send the check in the mail. It was then that we all figured out that a date mix-up had happened and that they had not been to the house to look after our dogs. We were all upset and they quickly got into their car and headed over to our house. The pups were good and everything ended up being just fine. Honestly, at that point I wasn’t upset about the situation any longer. Mistakes happen and all was well.

However, the best part of this story comes after that little fiasco. The part that really made me ponder my own actions in life, was how well our pet sitters handled the aftermath of their mistake. In my email, I received the most genuine apology I have received (or frankly, given) in a long time from anyone or any entity. Our pet sitters completely owned their mistake, making no excuses. This was no “Sorry But . . . ” apology. They were not defensive. This was no “Sorry That You Are Upset . . . ” apology. Our pet sitters apologized profusely for their mistake with full understanding of why this experience would have upset us, let us know the thought-out changes that they had implemented in their scheduling system to ensure that this type of mistake wouldn’t happen again in the future and asked us kindly to trust them again for future business. My family understands that mistakes happen and we had no intention of “firing” them after this one episode, but the way that the mistake was handled was a lesson to me that I won’t soon forget.

Why is it so hard to earnestly apologize? Why do we think others expect perfection from us? None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. I think when we are wronged, all that we are looking for is true remorse from the offender, a feeling of being understood and heard as to why we are upset, and evidence that the offender has fully and earnestly considered changes to ensure that they won’t hurt us again. In that way, they are showing us that they value us and that they value our relationship to us. In my experience, these types of true apologies are rare in today’s world. True apologies are rare enough that I felt the urge to blog about them.

We have had our pet sitters come to our home and take care of our pets several times since this experience and they always provide a great service. I’m grateful to know them, not just as people who help take care of our family, but also, as teachers and way-showers, who have been good examples to me that showing humility and taking full responsibility for our actions are true markers of confidence and character. I actually have even more respect for our pet sitters now, after the mistake, than I did before. It’s been a valuable lesson for all parties involved and the dogs’ tails are still wagging.

Family Hashtag

I started a new family tradition a few weeks ago. Admittedly, it was created by that little control freak in me who wants to feel that my family is always safe and secure. It comes from the worrier in me who likes to “keep tabs.” I want to know what the temperature and pulse of my family and its individual members are, on a regular basis. Now my immediate family has a majority male contingent. There is my husband and three sons and then there is me and my daughter. I had to come up with a tradition that was going to be easily doable and interesting enough to keep the attention of an intense middle-aged executive, a young twenty-something on his own, a college fraternity man, two busy teenagers and me, their fearless leader. The one thing that we all have in common is a streak of competitiveness. So, I came up with Family Hashtag.

Every single day, we have agreed to text to a family chat, a # and then at least one word that describes our individual day. The competitive part comes in with the idea of how long can we keep the streak going? Admittedly, I’m usually the first one to post on a daily basis. I guess I serve as a reminder that this tradition isn’t going away anytime soon.

It is amazing what one word to a few words after a hashtag, can convey. Believe it or not, you can almost tell someone’s mood or “state of being” from just one little 3-second text. Examples: #ihatemath, #coffeeingallons, #relief Sometimes my family members are feeling tricky and mysterious and will post something quizzical that makes us all want to know more. Then, the chat gets a little more involved and interesting. At the very least, what I definitely know from my little daily game is that all of my family members are alive and breathing and still interested in keeping a connection with our little family unit. I highly recommend this game to all of my readers’ families, especially families run by sly Momagers like me.

Boys are People Too

I was required to open a Twitter account when my daughter was on a softball team many years ago. That is how the coach reached out to us parents. She was way ahead of Donald Trump. I didn’t even look at Twitter for many years after that, but recently I started following a few people and groups on Twitter because I find them to be so insightful and interesting. Think Smarter on Twitter is something that I try to check out almost daily. Here is one of their recent tweets:

I have four children. My first three children are boys. Honestly, since my youngest son is almost 18, I should say that they are men. I’ll never forget when my children were little, one of my sons asked why is it that in Disney movies, the boys tend to be big dopes and the girls are champions? The other boys chimed in, too, wondering why that was the way of Disney movies.

In the media lately, we have been exposed to the worst men’s behavior. And this is good. Men need to be held accountable for their actions. So, do women. People need to pay their consequences when they do wrong. Unfortunately though, it sometimes seems like men as a whole are being lumped into a group of jerks that the vast majority of men have nothing in common with. Men are being dehumanized and I think that they have a right to question this. I would not want to be judged by the behavior of a few evil women.

I like men. Most of the men that I have encountered in my life have been wonderful influences. Most of the men whom I know are nice, kind, loving, respectful people. They love their families, they provide for and protect their families and they serve their places of employment, their communities and their country. They are good people, just like most of the women I have encountered in my life. Men are not the enemy.

When I was in college, I attended a feminist speaker forum. One of the speakers showed some film footage of women’s rights rallies that had occurred in the 1960s. In these rallies, scores of angry women were yelling, “Take the power! Take the power!” Now, I realize that the women who came before me have made it so that my daughter and I do not have to feel nearly as discriminated against than the women of earlier generations. I am so grateful that these strong women stood up for what is right. Sometimes change requires extreme emotion. I understand that. I also know that further change is needed. However, I am hoping that we have come to a point in our history where that chant can be more of, “Share the power! Share the power!” An inclusive energy going in the same direction, can go so much faster and take us so much further than a constant battle. I believe that most reasonable people, men and women, would like for this direction to be the way of the future. It is what I hope for, for my daughter and for my sons.

******

I debated about whether to write about 9/11 or not. Why after 17 years does it feel so fresh? There are no words. Just a heartfelt thank you to the heroes and heartfelt prayers sent to the families who will never be the same due to this senseless tragedy.

Self Care

Yet another death of a music star was reported this weekend. Mac Miller, a young, rising star in the world of rap music died of an overdose on Friday. I didn’t know much about Mac Miller until this weekend. My kids liked his music and I found out that he was from my hometown of Pittsburgh. I checked out some of his songs on iTunes and I was surprised by how much I liked them. His rap has a jazzy, improvisational quality. It is not as angry as some of the rap music I have listened to and it seems to have a more reflective quality than most. If you can get past profanity, I highly recommend listening to some of his songs. Mac Miller’s improv podcast on NPR is particularly good.

What affected me most about this tragedy though, was that the world lost another great talent to the jaws of addiction and through its sadness and despair was looking desperately for someone to blame. That target to blame for many was Ariana Grande, his former girlfriend and also a great talent in the music world. She had to shut down all commenting functionality on her social media because of the the vitriol that was being spewed at her during a time when she was grieving the loss of someone she deeply loved and undoubtedly had tried to help rescue from his demons.

I read that more than 2/3 of American families have had to deal with the alcohol and/or drug addiction of someone they love. In 2016, the surgeon general put out a report that 1 in 7 Americans will face substance addiction and only 10 percent of those addicted ever get treated. These are dismal statistics.

Addiction is a nightmare. Watching someone you love in the throws of addiction is a living hell. The level of denial that overtakes an addict is almost impossible to understand. When someone loves an addict, don’t you ever think that they have not tried to help that person. Most people who care about an addict, go through a period of giving up their own sanity trying to bring their loved one back to life and reality. People who love addicts often become addicted to trying to help their addict and this condition is called codependency. When someone is in a state of codependency they lose sight of reality, too. They take the focus completely off of their own lives and put their entire focus on trying to save their addict.

The only person who you have control of in your life, is yourself. Our human nature wants to feel safe and secure and often tries to gain those feelings of false security by trying to control the “outside” – the people and circumstances in our lives. Sometimes we have painful feelings and inner issues to work on ourselves, but that scares us. It is easier sometimes to put all of that focus on “outside” projects than to deal with our own “inside” problems. Ironically, the only concerns that we really can fix and that we do have any control of, are the ones that are our own. People can help us and guide us through our problems, but the hard work is an inside job and it doesn’t begin until we admit that we have the problem in the first place.

I imagine Ariana Grande did everything that she could to try to help her friend and lover, Malcom McCormick. I imagine all of Malcom’s family and friends did everything that they could and some. Money was not an issue. Mac Miller could have afforded to stay in the best rehab centers in the world. The biggest hurdle that any addict has to cross, is admitting to themselves that they need help. The largest hurdle for any addict is to be able to cross over from the stronghold of Denial and reach out for help, fully knowing and understanding that they have lost all control over to the grips of Addiction. This is the hardest part for any addict to do. Many addicts, like Malcom, will lose their lives before completely surrendering to the idea that they have lost all control. They believe fervently that the only thing that is keeping them alive is the very thing that is killing them slowly and methodically on a daily basis. Addiction is treacherous.

Imagine that you are on a burning ship with all of your loved ones. You know that you must jump into the ocean to save your lives. Someone you love with all of your heart is burning on the ship but refuses to get off of it. This person is on fire but insists that they don’t need help. They actually get angry at you for trying to help them. You try to embrace this person, to reason with this person, but the closer you remain to this person, the more you burn in the flames. You finally have to make the heart-wrenching decision to jump off of the ship, praying that your loved one will come to their senses and jump into the pure water with you. You know in your heart that the only life that you can save is your own, as desperate as you are to save theirs, too. That is the terrible choice that Ariana and the people who loved Malcom had to make and they deserve only our deepest sympathies and understanding. No one who has ever loved someone deeply can make that decision lightly. Addiction is devastating for everyone it touches. Everyone.

Ginger Kids

My two eldest sons are redheads or what now seems to be more commonly called “gingers”. My youngest two children are brunettes. I sometimes break them down to the “reds” and the “browns.” When you have a big family, you’re always shortening things, categorizing; it’s just easier that way. My husband and I are both brunettes so we were a little bit surprised, at first when our first little ginger was born.

It turns out that both my husband and I carry the recessive gene for red hair. It’s the only way a “ginger” can occur. Only 2 percent of the world’s population are natural redheads. Unfortunately, there are thoughts that someday, due to the fact that the recessive gene could go extinct, red-headed people will be a thing of the past. How sad that would be! My sons both have brown eyes, but if you are a natural redhead with blue eyes, you have the rarest combination on the face of the earth. How lovely and special!!

I’ve always been attracted to redheaded people since I was a little girl. The fact was so obvious, that when I was a little girl, my mother cut out a magazine article featuring redheaded children and she wrote, “Your future kids . . . ” on top of the article. She was right! I think redheaded people just exude warmth! It’s not just their hair, it’s their whole energy field. They radiate a fiery passion that just glistens out to the ends of their hair reminding us of just how exciting life can be.

I read once that you can’t be anonymous and be a redhead. I believe that. I bet that there are very few redheaded spies. My eldest son won the yearbook senior superlative, “Most Likely To Always Be Remembered.” He’s 6’2″ with a headful of curly red hair and a big, deep, loud laugh. We took our eldest son to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico when he was two and when we were touring the local town, the elderly women would come up to him to touch his hair for luck. He happily obliged. He knows that he is lucky.

When we are young we want to “fit in”, melt in with the crowd. I think redheaded people are blessed in knowing that they just don’t “blend in,” right from the very beginning so they don’t ever get caught up in that nonsense of sameness. Now that I’m 47, I think I feel more internally redheaded in that sense, than I ever have been. I like being an individual. I feel more confident “owning” who I am. Of course, at my age, my real hair color has become a mystery thanks to the marvels of my stylist, but if I ever get bored, red might be the color to try.

Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog

Earlier this week, I had gone to a beautiful nursery by my house. I wanted to find some fall weather plants to replace some of my annuals that have gotten quite straggly. I love nurseries. It’s like walking along in the Secret Garden with so much to discover. The vibrant colors, the lovely fragrances, and the plants that are so symmetrical and perfect, it is hard to believe that they are natural, are just some of the treasures to see and experience in a garden. And of course, there are also the butterflies and the birds and the unusual insects that have smartly decided to call these beautiful sanctuaries their home.

Unfortunately, I made an unplanned kidnapping of one of those critters. I had put the purchased plants on all of the unoccupied seats of my car, drove them home and deposited them near to the spots that I wanted to plant them in. I then went to pick up my daughter from school. She and I were have a lively conversation about the day’s activities, until my daughter started screaming loudly. In that split second, I wondered if she had seen something that I had not seen and I wondered if we were about to be wrecked. She excitedly told me that something slimy had just landed on her feet. She didn’t have to give any more explanation, because a relatively large tree frog started landing just about everywhere in the car, like Spiderman sticking to all surfaces, sideways and upside down. I quickly pulled the car over and eventually and enthusiastically, we were able to guide our new friend out of the car and on to the grass, luckily with no harm caused to any of us.

I felt really sorry for our little buddy frog friend, though. I realized that he had just been cast out of the Garden of Eden. He was definitely not “moving on up” by being deposited in a lackluster clump of grass on the side of the road. What a bummer day for this little guy! Hopefully, using his best natural instincts and inner guidance, he will find his way back to his beautiful, heavenly home. I’m just grateful for another funny story in my life, that has a hopeful ending.