admin, Author at Adulting: Second- Half

Front Row Seats

On an aside, before I get to what’s really on my mind today, last night, I went to bed belly laughing with my husband. My second eldest son used a “Face App” to age himself and his siblings to an age, older than even his parents, and he sent the pictures to the family chat. It is kind of disturbing to see pictures of your kids at ages, even older than yourselves. I got a glimpse of who will be coming to visit me in the nursing home. Their responses were even more hilarious. “Scary.” “Terrifying.” “Brutal.” I said to my husband, “I wonder back when we were their ages (currently spanning ages 15-23), if we had that app and saw pictures of what we looked like today, would we find the startling pictures to be scary, terrifying and brutal?” Thankfully, aging is a slower process than an instant application, so our response to aging is not quite as harsh as that, except on really bad days.

Another concept that I kept pondering a lot yesterday was self-care/self-love. Yesterday, was kind of a “bad” day in some ways, but like all bad days, it had a silver lining. The people whom I love most – my husband, my kids, some extended family and some really good friends and even my dogs, bolstered me, nurtured me, cared for me, validated me and made me feel quite loved and understood. I’m lucky to have such good, solid people in my life. I hope that I am as good at nurturing them in return, for all that they do for me. I think we all, especially we women, spend a lot of time nurturing and caring for others. Sometimes we even get a lot of our own “self-worth” from what we do for others. But the question that kept popping into my head yesterday, is the wondering to myself, if I would put my own self into the category of the best carers/nurturers, in my own life.

At this stage of the game, in this second half of our adult lives, most of us have experienced the painful process of having to extricate toxic people from our lives. Even if we still love the damaging person(s), we realize that for our own sanity, the toxicity and the drama and the upsets that these people’s actions create, no longer deserve a place, in the front row of our lives. Even if we don’t do the extrication process in order to protect ourselves, we often finally do it, for our families’ best interests and health and sanity. So, the question kept popping up in my mind, what category would I put myself into, in my own life? Would I be in the loving/caring/nurturing category or would I often be in the toxic person category? When I talk to myself, am I kind, considerate, understanding and patient with myself, or am I judging, condescending and harsh? When I care for myself, do I encourage good nutrition, extra sleep and healthy exercise or do I look for the “quick fix” from unhealthy options? When I give myself advice do I do it in a positive light or is it spiraled in negativity? Do I give myself the sound advice that I would give to the people I love the most, and want for them, only the best? In short, do I treat myself how the best nurturers in my life treat me, or am I in the toxic person category? Do I treat myself as a loved, valued and respected member of the group of people who I care for the most? Do I nurture myself in the ways that I hope to nurture my spouse, my children, my family, my pets and my best friends? I came to the conclusion yesterday, that self-care is not just an occasional splurge on a massage or allowing myself to spend some hours just reading a good book. Self-care is making sure that I am in the circle of people who I trust the most, the people who I know have my best interests at heart – the people who are rooting for me. Self-care is making sure that I, myself, am not in that circle of people who have proven to be too negative and hurtful to be a big part of my life any longer. Like it is often said, we can’t do our best job loving and caring for others, if we don’t do it for ourselves first. For some reason that statement became more clear to me yesterday. Do you treat yourself like a person who deserves a front row seat in your life? I think that it is a good thing to ponder, from time to time.

One Year Anniversary

Today is a very special day at Adulting – Second Half. Today is the one year anniversary of this blog. One year ago, I started this blog on a whim (and honestly, probably my way to process some grief). My husband and I had just dropped our eldest son at his first adult apartment, about to embark on his first, real adult job. He was officially off of our payroll, and officially at the beginning of a whole new path for himself, a path in which we would now be mostly bystanders and adoring fans, waving from the sidelines. I realized, particularly in that moment, that I was nearing the end of a major path in my own life. My Adulting – First Half had been on this wide path of child rearing, focused on raising our four children to independence, for a long while now. The path has sometimes been smooth, sometimes rocky, and up and down hills and mountains. The path has been sometimes clear with breath-taking views of gorgeous horizons. The path has sometimes been foggy and the path has even run into some big storms, here and there. Even still, my Adulting – First Half road has been a beautiful, miraculous journey, a path that I have never regretted taking.

My eldest son had reached our united path’s finish line and our three other children, dutifully always following their eldest brother, like “ducks in a row” (as I have always insisted), are nearing that finish line at a clip pace, as well. And therefore, so am I.

I want you to know how grateful I am, to all of you, for your support, your kindness and your validation, as I have dared to take steps into my new path, my Adulting – Second Half path. In some ways, I suspect that this path is a path that will help me to find ways back to parts of myself that I had long forgotten even existed. And that is scary and exciting, all at the same time. The best part of writing this blog, is the realization that as I embark on a new path in life, and probably at lot of little side paths and stop offs along the way, I am not alone. None of us are alone. Thank you for being such a beautiful, comforting reminder of that fact.

With heads held high, and hearts wide open, forward march . . . . . .

Adulting – First Half

I recently purchased a book for the two reasons that we are told never to buy or decide to read a certain book. The reason why I chose this book to read, is that I found the title intriguing and I liked the cover. (I’ve decided that I will focus A LOT on the cover and the title, if I should ever write a book.) I had no idea what the book was about.

The book is called Guac is Extra, But So Am I – The Reluctant Adult’s Handbook by Sarah Solomon. The funny thing is this book is all about Adulting – First Half. I’m feeling very voyeuristic reading it, because it is like peering into the young twenty-somethings lives of today’s world without having to ask for details from my 23 year-old son, who might be tempted to sugarcoat things that he would think that his “fragile mommy” wouldn’t understand – ha! I dare you to ask your kids what a “thot” is? (or just look it up on the Urban Dictionary website)

The book is hilarious, offering all sorts of advice, in every aspect of a young person’s starting out adult life, from practical issues, such as investments and house buying (according to the book, a new trend is for people to purchase their “vacation homes” before their real homes, because those homes are more affordable and can offer investment income later – hmmm, the economy is humming, I guess.) It offers advice on crypto-currencies, how to make mixed drinks with the complimentary drinks offered on airplanes, and why certain engagement ring trends may be too trendy.

Apparently, I missed the boat on the blog trend. Bloggers who started blogs in 2006-2010 hit the market at the right time, before the market got saturated, according to the book. Here is an actual quote from the book, highlighted in red:

“Another one bites the dust,” she muttered, seeing another longwinded FB post about someone quitting their jobs to focus on their, blog, seven years too late.”

There are a lot of the things in the book that are quite different than when I was starting out my adult life, in the early 1990s. Certainly, our trendy “early adulting advice books” would never have had whole chapters devoted to social media, and the etiquette and career ramifications surrounding social media. Hell, I didn’t spend much time at all, on a computer, until around 1998, when I was about 27. Of course, most of that time was spent waiting forever and ever, for an internet website to download, listening to the noisy dial-up connection doing its thing, as I changed a fussy baby’s diaper.

That baby, whose diaper I was changing, is now a twenty-three year old IT professional. Yesterday, he texted his Dad and I, a picture of his lobster roll that he is eating in San Diego, where he is attending a business conference. He has always loved to eat. I figure that when I am done perusing this fun, interesting read, I’ll pass it on to him. While reading the book, it struck me that while a lot of the advice offered in the book would never have applied to me when I was in my young twenties (there is a whole chapter entitled Personal Brand and a whole sub-chapter on Ghosting), the tone and the feelings imbued in the book, are the same feelings that I think that I felt, at that stage of the game – excited, scared, a little cocky (which most likely was a cover for a lot of insecurity), a little defensive and yet optimistic and hopeful about the wide canvas ahead of me. Interestingly, these feelings are not too different than the feelings that I feel now, as I am embarking on the new empty nest stage of my Adulting – Second Half. And what’s even better about this situation, is that all of the advice for 20-somethings, is written and contained in a beautiful, hardbound book (with a lovely cover, I might add). I take this to mean that books are classic and timeless and likely to be around, for at least a little while longer. Books are something that still connect us, no matter what generation we are from. And if that universal connection, that knowing connection that I am feeling right now, is the only thing that I get from purchasing this book (chosen mostly for its title and its cover) than it was worth every single penny that I spent on it.

What Block Provokes

I woke up with some writer’s block this morning, so I decided to look up “thought provoking thoughts.” I found these to be interesting:

“I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too.”
― Brian Selznick, The Invention of Hugo Cabret

“If love is blind, then maybe a blind person that loves has a greater understanding of it.”
― Criss Jami, Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile

“While we may judge things as good or bad, karma doesn’t. It’s a simple case of like gets like, the ultimate balancing act, nothing more, nothing less. And if you’re deteremined to fix every situation you deem as bad, or difficult, or somehow unsavory, then you rob the person of their own chance to fix it, learn from it, or even grow from it. Some things, no matter how painful, happen for a reason. A reason you or I may not be able to grasp at first sight, not without knowing a person’s entire life story—their cumulative past. And to just barge in and interfere, no matter how well-intentioned, would be akin to robbing them of their journey. Something that’s better not done.”
― Alyson Noel, Shadowland

“Poor God, how often He is blamed for all the suffering in the
world. It’s like praising Satan for allowing all the good that happens.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly,

Pringle Boy

Yesterday I ran into our local Walgreens drug store, for some chips that my daughter needed, for a party that she was attending, at the summer camp where she volunteers. In front of me in line, was a young father and his adorable two, maybe three-year-old son. The father, it seemed, had just run into the store, quickly, for some batteries. The son lagged behind the father as they headed to the cashier to pay. The little boy saw a can of pizza flavored Pringles right at his level, and he grabbed the can very decidedly. As his dad was paying for the batteries, the little guy assertively put the can of Pringles on the counter (well, actually, the part of the counter that is a little lower, where they keep the plastic bags) with a firm, confident bang. “BAM! We’ll be taking these Pringles, too,” are what his very clear actions seemed to say.

“Do you want to buy those, too?” the cashier hesitantly asked the young father. The little boy smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

“Uh, uh, well, uh, um, sure, why not?” said the Dad and he looked at me, a little sheepishly. I just smiled, knowingly. I had been through that drill many times throughout the years. The little boy confidently grabbed the Pringles can and kissed the top of the lid, as they headed out of the store.

The cashier and I had a fun conversation about what we had just witnessed.

“It usually doesn’t go that way for the kids,” said the cashier. “I’ve honestly never seen a little guy so sure of himself. Usually, the kids are more sneaky and whiny about the whole thing.”

“I’m guessing that if he had been with Mom, that it may have gone the other way,” I giggled and the cashier agreed. When I relayed the event to my husband last night, he said, “The Dad was probably figuring that he’d get to eat at least half the can.”

There really wasn’t anything particularly unusual about this happening. I am not even sure why I am writing about it. Still, the experience sticks with me. I guess that I found it to be cute and nostalgic. I also liked the little boy’s happy, self-assured confidence. In some way, a three-year-old little boy inspired me, a 48-year-old woman, to have a little more swagger. When you go for things that you want with happy pluck and assurance, I think that you get a little more favor towards the outcome that you are wanting. I know that I was secretly rooting for the boy to get his Pringles. And I relished in his triumphant joy, as he kissed the top of the can.

Feeling Friday

Hi Friends!! Happy Friendly Friday!! Yay, Friday is finally here!! On Fridays, at Adulting – Second Half, we keep it Frivolous! Frivolous Friday!! On Fridays, I list three favorite products, services, websites, songs, etc. and I encourage readers to add some favorites to my Comments section, so that we all can have some Friday fun! Please see previous Friday postings for more ideas. Here are this Friday’s Favorites:

Secret Box New York Constellation Earrings – I love these earrings! They take your zodiac sign’s star constellation and make them into a pair of intriguing, mismatched earrings. One side is just the major star (one CZ) and the other side is the rest of the constellation. These are fun and definitely conversation starters. They have constellation necklaces to match, as well. Unique, and can be dressed up or down!

Chanchitos – “In the small village of Pomaire, Chile, it is believed that “chanchitos,” little pigs, bring good luck. Three legged chanchitos are especially fortunate and are traditionally given to friends as a token of goodwill and love.” I found these sweet trinkets at a little souvenier shop recently and I brought one back for me and my kids. My little chanchito is smiling at me right now, as I write my blog. They are inexpensive, cute reminders of just how lucky we all are, just to be breathing and soaking in this miraculous experience called Life. You can find similar ones to what I bought, at Many Hands Gallery, on-line.

Emu Oil – I recently bought some emu oil cream because I was in a climate much more dry and less humid than me and my skin are used to being in. I have used it before, but I forgot just how emollient, and saturating and healing, emu oil really is for our skin, the largest organ of our bodies. One person told me that emu oil healed her sister’s scars after a sledding accident. It is particularly good for sensitive skin. If you have spent a little too much time in the sun lately, you need emu – emu 4 u.

Here’s A Little Gem

Our little local library has a fundraiser that helps support their programs for children. The library has a tall glass case that houses donated costume jewelry. The library charges three dollars per piece of jewelry, and apparently the fundraiser does quite well for them. I, myself, have donated a fair share of gently used jewelry and I have picked up some great gems at a bargain price, as well!

I don’t have much on my mind today, but I thought that I would mention this fundraiser, as a good fund-raising idea for anybody involved with a church, or a school, or another organization, that has a constant stream of people coming through. The case, with the jewelry, does not take up much space and people just pay for the jewelry when they check out their books, so the fundraiser does not require a whole lot of manpower. Overall, it seems to be a win-win for everyone in the community.

Image result for good quotes on donations

Small Corrections

“When you wait until momentum is well underway before you are aware that you are moving in the direction that you don’t want to go, sometimes the momentum is too strong and so that negative momentum just has to play itself out. But . . . .There is always another opportunity to direct your thoughts and accomplish momentum in the direction of things that you do want.” – Esther Hicks

My daughter got her driver’s license permit earlier this spring. She and my husband (driving lessons have always fallen under my husband’s “list of familial duties”; the experience of our kids learning to drive, wreaks such havoc on my nerves that I am more likely to cause an accident, than to teach the kids to prevent one) will soon be “all-in”, with my husband teaching my daughter the driving skills that she will need to get her safely to where she wants to go. These lessons will get her motor-motor skills to a certain precision level, in which my husband and I won’t have to hold our breaths, every time she drives somewhere, until she comes home. I remember when I learned how to drive, my dad had to keep emphasizing to me, that driving is really a series of “small corrections”, instead of big swerves or trying to change lanes instantly. This lesson came to mind recently, as girlfriends and I were discussing the changes and sometimes tumult, summertime can bring to family life.

By middle age, we all have hopefully matured to a level where we have tried to hone our communication skills. We have learned to be better listeners. We have made the effort to become more self-aware and to find healthy ways to understand and express our needs and concerns while empathizing with the fact that others’ needs and concerns must be considered, as well. But sometimes . . . . sometimes all of that learning, and all of that practicing, and all of that patience, goes flying out the window, and momentum kicks in, and like a horrified spectator, we see ourselves moving into the “no turning back zone”, where we act and react emotionally, forcefully, and sometimes even, slightly out of control.

That’s why it is so key in life to have a circle of friends, with similar lives, who can validate your experience, laugh along with your stories in a knowing way which makes you feel less freakish and alone, and to remind you that you can “bring it back to center”. You can get centered because you have the long practiced skills, and these good friends always remind you, that it is all going to be okay.

Summer, in all of its fabulous-ness, requires a fair amount of adjustment. Schedules change. There is a lot more free time. It’s really, really hot outside. Kids away at school are suddenly home again, but in the habit of living their own rhythms, which are not often on the same circadian rhythms as their parents. If you go at this seasonal adjustment, with small corrections – kind, but assertive reminders of expectations and requests, the adjustment may not be seamless, but it is often painless. However, many times in summertime, with everyone going in many different, random-by-the-day directions, and then all of the sudden, coming together into very close, sweaty quarters, like small summer rental cottages, or cars full of people and luggage, all that pent-up emotion, and unspoken frustration comes out like a long-dormant volcano, and the eruption is shocking to everyone, even to the erupt-or(s). But as the above quote reminds us, once the eruption is over, once the lava has cooled, we have the ability to change the momentum. We can change the momentum to a positive outlook, newly cleared air, and a reminder to make small corrections, so that the momentum does not build to create another Vesuvius-like eruption. One major display of fireworks is good enough, for any particular summer.

I Wish All Days

I wish all days felt as happy and cheerful as the days when you bring home a new puppy.

I wish all days felt as cozy as the days that are so snowy or rainy, you have no choice but to wrap yourself up in a blanket and relax and read.

I wish all days felt as safe as the days when all of the people, who you love the most, are right under your roof, happily chattering away and doing their thing.

I wish all days felt as deliciously anticipatory as the days you are expecting the delivery of an interesting package.

I wish all days felt as hilarious, as the days when you read, see or hear something so funny that you laugh so hard, so much that it hurts, or you even pee your pants a little.

I wish all days felt as wondrous as that first day of vacation in a new place that you have never been before, and this place is entirely different than anything you have ever seen or have experienced.

I wish all days felt as satisfactory and full of relief, as the days that a job is completed, and it is completed well, to everyone’s delight.

I wish all days felt as exciting as the days you get a job offer or a college acceptance or you make the team or get a part in the play.

I wish all days felt as miraculous and full of relief as the days you hear that you, or a loved one, are completely healed from a serious illness or medical emergency.

I wish all days felt as comfortable and relaxing and full of acceptance, as the days when you have a long lunch with dear, long-time friends.

I wish all days felt as delicious as the days when you really, really savor eating something especially scrumptious, without any guilt or hesitation.

I wish all days felt as magical as the days when it all seems to come together – you look good, you feel good, you do good and you have all of the right words.

I wish all days felt as luxurious as the days, when all you did was love and cuddle your babies, and smell their precious little heads.

I wish all days felt as satisfying as the days when you achieve a physical goal and you feel pride in that accomplishment, in every fiber of your being, physical, mental and spiritual.

I wish all days felt as easy and whimsical as the unscheduled days on our calendars.

I wish all days felt as mystically reassuring as the days you find a lucky penny.

I wish all days felt as sexy as when you have those “lost in your lover’s eyes” moments that seem to convey everything that words cannot convey.

When I looked at my “I wish all days” list, I experienced the very feelings that I was writing about, all over again. So I guess that I am having one of those fabulous days of feeling cheerful, cozy, safe, anticipatory, amused, wondrous, luxurious, satisfied, excited, grateful to God, accepted, satiated, magical, proud, whimsical, reassured and sexy. In fact, I felt all of those feelings in the hour that it took me to write the list. I experienced all of those wonderful feelings in just one hour! I highly recommend that you write your own “I wish all days” list and give yourself the gift of a lot of positive energy and possibility, all in about 1/24th of your day. And then, when some negativity starts seeping in, read your list to yourself, and you can feel all of those terrific feelings, in just a few minutes. Try it. It works.

Is This Normal?

“Part of our difficulty in dealing with traffic jams et al is that we have come to view them as unusual. Somewhere along the line we failed to notice that life is.

In our illusionary approach to our lives we have been able to fool ourselves into thinking that things should go right and . . . we have a very specific idea of what “right” is. We have come to believe that the easy, the problemless, the fun are “normal” and everything else is abnormal or bad. We have predetermined what life is or should be and we expect it to run smoothly along those lines.” – Anne Wilson Schaef

The above selection is from a morning meditation book that I read every day. I really had to think about this one. I agree that we shouldn’t let the small gripes and aggravations (traffic jams, spills, headaches, etc.) get us down or view these happenings, as really out of the ordinary. At the same time, the big highs and the big lows are rarities. The big highs and the big lows stand out to us, because they don’t happen all of the time. If we let it be, life is usually relatively calm, mild and uneventful.

What I have been reading and meditating on lately, all comes down to acceptance. I think acceptance means to let life play itself out without resistance, particularly a resistance to circumstances that we don’t have any power to change. Acceptance means letting go. Acceptance means to stop adding to our own suffering by commiserating constantly over unchangeable happenings that make us angry, sad, miserable, etc.

The serenity prayer, in my mind, is one of the most helpful, wise tomes of wisdom, ever written and one of the most useful tools ever made, if we make it a practice.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.