I’ve mentioned in one of my Favorite Things Friday posts, the journal that I write in every single day. It is a published journal called Buildingthe Best You by Caroline Harper and each book contains two years of daily journals. I like it because the area to write in is so small, you can’t even write in full sentences. Basically, every day you answer the same six questions and the next year is right beside the previous year on the same page, so you can do a quick comparison of your answers. It takes all of three minutes to fill out, every night. Every three months or so, there are longer questions with more space to fill, but overall, it is very simple and quick to fill the journal out and at the very least, you have a quick recap of what you have been doing with your time and life. And by comparing the years, you can decide if you have made any progress in your life skills, or if you are at a standstill or even regressing. It’s a great tool.
I just finished filling out my third journal book at the end of July. So, I have consistently kept a journal for six years. This beats my past record of six consistent days of keeping a journal, by quite a lot. My past record was made when I was in the third grade and My Diary (literally) had a fancy little lock on it. I imagine that I stopped writing the journal when I lost the key to the lock.
When I realized a few years ago that I was actually committed to keeping a journal, I purchased a bunch of copies of Building the BestYou, as they were on clearance at Barnes and Noble. When I went into my cabinet the other day, to start a new journal – my fourth one, I did a quick inventory of how many journals I had left. I figured I had enough journals to get me well into my sixties. But then I started getting nervous. The superstitious part of me started kicking in, in an intense way. My breath was quickening, and my heart was beating harder . . . . I knew what I had to do. I went to Amazon and I ordered two more books. I effectively added four more years to my life. Keeping a journal is powerful stuff.
Above are pictures of charts that I took from an interesting book that I read over the weekend. The book is called The Happiness Curve WhyLife Gets Better After 50 by Jonathan Rauch. The author is an award winning journalist, who set out to do some research as to explain what used to be known as the “midlife crisis”, which the author himself prefers to call a “slump.” The book sets out to show the interesting fact that in a time period in life where people have achieved a fair level of success in everything that they had set out to do: their careers, their families and relationships, hobbies, etc., many of us midlifers seem to feel a confusing, unexplained level of dissatisfaction. As shown in the above charts, our life satisfaction ratings are at the lowest that they will ever be, and yet there doesn’t seem to be a real reason for it. As the author writes “I’m dissatisfied with my life right now because. . . .(yet) there is nothing after the because.” The author starts the book offering these heartening statements:
“First, midlife slump (not “crisis”!) is completely normal and natural. Like . . . adolescence, it is a healthy if sometimes painful transition, and it serves a purpose by equipping you for a new stage of life. You may feel dissatisfied, but you don’t need to feel too worried about feeling dissatisfied.
Second, the post-midlife upturn is no mere transient change in mood: it is a change in our values and sources of satisfaction, a change in who weare. It often brings unexpected contentment that extends into old age and, yes, even into frailty and illness.
Third, by extending our life spans, modern medicine and public health have already added more than a decade to the upturn. . . . . Some sociologists call this new stage of life encore adulthood. Whatever you call it, it is a gift the likes of which mankind has never known before.”
What I liked best about the book was the positive reassurance. The book reassures us that it is normal and natural to feel that way that we do (science shows that even primates go through a midlife slump), during such a huge transitional time period in our lives. Just like we give a little more understanding to our teenagers, knowing they are going through a lot of big changes all at once, we have to offer that same kind of leeway and comfort to ourselves. While the book showed all of the research proving that this time period is an emotionally fraught period, it also showed the research that proves that this tough phase passes into something that is reportedly to be, many people’s most satisfying life periods ever. While we are in the trough, the author recommends that we normalize our feelings by opening up to spouses and partners and friends, who are likely feeling the same malaise, to interrupt our internal critics and stop with comparisons, to take care of our physical bodies with good nutrition, exercise and rest, to practice staying in the present moment, and to step (do NOT emotionally leap) into changes that you are wanting to make. He says in order to avoid impulsive moves that you might regret, you should make lateral moves in an incremental, constructive and logical manner. However, the author says that “the most important wisdom of all” is to wait and to sit in the knowing that it gets better. He says this:
“In the Voyage of Life, you are a plaything of forces larger than yourself, borne upon a stream you cannot control. So relinquish control. Trust the river. Trust time.”
The author speaks of walking with a fellow writer, a man whose life and work he had always admired. He was shocked when his friend admitted that he, himself, had experienced a midlife crisis/slump. His friend had this to say:
“Midlife crisis begins sometime in your forties, when you look at your life and think, Is this all? And it ends about ten years later, when you look at your life again and think, Actually this is pretty good.”
The author ends the book on this hopeful note:
“If I had to explain the upside of the U in just three words, the words I would use are these: Gratitude comes easier. That is the hidden gift of the happiness curve.
I recently heard a man say that he lives for his vacations. I thought to myself, “That is scary and sad.” First of all, most Americans only get, on average, 2-3 weeks of vacation per year. So that is a lot of pressure and expectation resting on less than one twelfth of your entire year. What if your vacation ends up not being everything you built it up to be in your mind? What if you get sick? What if the venue looks a lot better in pictures than it really does in person? And even if your vacation does end up being a fabulous time, why would the rest of your life (the overwhelming majority of it) be a drab and dreary purgatory, until your vacation time is called?
I started to think that it would be a worthy goal to try to make every day feel like it has a little bit of vacation in it. Now, I recognize that this is easier to accomplish on weekends or other days that are off from work, so I figured yesterday, a Saturday, would be a good day to give it a good college try. I talked my husband (the teenagers at home had their own ideas of what a vacation day looks like, and that idea didn’t include hanging around all day, with mom and dad) into going to a neighboring town and hitting a small museum, a quaint art gallery and lush botanical garden – all three places that have been on my bucket list for quite some time. They were all three inexpensive, yet interesting venues that you didn’t need to invest hours and hours, at each one. The mix of all three made for a circus of the mind. It was like going to different tents for entirely different experiences and expeditions, and all three were easily explored in a short distance of a few walk-able miles, and the venues were explored and devoured in a time span no longer than four hours. We also managed to fit in a delicious meal at an authentic German cafe and had fun conversations with other diners, which ended with the whole cafe singing “Happy Birthday” to Kathy, a sweet elderly woman who was on her way to a baseball game, but she first sat and relished in our off-key, but full of heart and noisy song. My husband and I topped all of this off by splitting a homemade ice cream sandwich, which was made of delicious, creamy homemade ice cream sandwiched in between an award-worthy brownie and a cookie, pressed (yes, and the ice cream stayed cold, don’t ask me how) and then sprinkled with Butterfingers. While, we devoured our treat, we happily watched a little girl and her mother dance in the bubbles that were streaming playfully from a bubble machine that the ice cream parlor’s owners had installed outside of the store. The little girl wore a shirt that said this:
“Everybody Laughs in the Same Language”
When we got home, our kids were at home and still up, so we all cuddled on the couch and watched a movie together. Yesterday was easily a vacation-worthy, memory-filled experience. Now, I realize not every day is going to have the free hours for ambling, and not every day is going to be crisis free. Honestly, right now it feels good to envision the rest of my day, today, as a day at home, resting and getting organized for the week. Still, I refuse to live a life that is only zestfully experienced, two or three weeks out of a year. Yesterday, reminded me that with a little bit of effort, imagination and a “go with the flow” adventurous spirit, and without the tethers of grand expectations, even an ordinary day can feel like a vacation.
I had my annual physical yesterday and my doctor has a wipe board in her waiting room. One of her staff wrote this quote on the board in fancy letters:
“Be Patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year.”
I thought that was such a nice reminder. We are such tough task masters on ourselves. Also, sometimes I think that the qualities about ourselves that we take for granted, other people marvel about. I know that I am so impressed with people who really think ahead and seem to be so prepared for anything, like good scouts. Another quality that I just marvel at, is people who can pack up a suitcase or trunk of a car, so it fits about eight times the amount of stuff you think should be able to fit in there. I love people who put you at ease right away and make you feel like you have known them since you were born. The point that I’m trying to make is that we all have some really special traits, beyond our obvious talents that we use to define ourselves, such as art or music or sewing or number crunching. Just because it seems easy and innate to us, doesn’t make it any less special. Our gifts are the gifts that we share with the world, that in turn, makes the whole world move in symbiosis.
So please today, know that you are special, needed, and gifted, even when you are not in full bloom.
Hi readers! Happy Friday!!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!! New readers, on Fridays we discuss STUFF – the material parts of life that make living grand. On Friday, I mention three of my favorite things, songs, websites, books, etc. etc. and I ask you to add some of your favorite STUFF in the Comments section. Please check out previous Friday posts (there are a lot of them by now), for more favorites.
I grew up in Pennsylvania. In the summertime, in Pennsylvania, people have flowers galore. It is truly lovely. I spent my thirties in North Carolina. Carolinians enjoy beautiful flowers in the summer time, too, but due to the heat they don’t plant quite as many of them, as the northerners do, in my experience. When I lived in NC, I fell in love with the Crepe Myrtle bushes/trees. Carolinians plant those beauties everywhere! Then in my forties, we moved to Florida. I was shocked to see that people didn’t plant a whole lot of the traditional flowers that I was used to seeing. You see, Florida is just too damn hot in the summer and delicate flowers like impatiens, just wither and fry down to nothing, unless they are connected to a drip, containing gallons of water. And even then, there are no guarantees. However, tropical flowers bask and thrive in the Florida sun and grow at exponential rates, so much so, that soon a machete becomes a much needed gardener’s tool.
Above are pictures of three of my favorite Florida Loving Plants. Here is why:
Bromelaid – I bought one small bromelaid with its gorgeous pink flower, a few years back, to support breast cancer awareness. Well, now we own about 18 of these beauties from that one small plant. These plants put rabbits to shame in the field of reproduction. Their flower is so dramatic, and bursts with color and energy and it blooms for a long time. I love, love, love this plant!!
Musical Note Clerodendrum – This plant is fabulous. It’s blooms are white puffs that look just like musical notes. It constantly blooms as if it is constantly singing. Ours really took off when we planted it in a flower bed, by the small lake that we have out back. It looks delicate, but it can’t help but thrive and bloom and burst with its song, in our tropical environment.
Chenille Plant (red-hot cattail) – I have this plant in a jardiniere (remember that word from last week, friends??) by my front door. It just grows and flows like a little waterfall full of pink, fuzzy caterpillars. It does just fine in hot Florida, although it does require a fair amount of watering. (I sometimes pour a little ice in it, and it seems to appreciate the effort while it withstands the sunshine)
Enjoy your weekend, friends! As always, thank you so much for your support and validation!
I bought tickets for my husband and I to see an upcoming Elvis Costello concert. Much like the response that I got a couple of years ago from a young coworker when I mentioned that I was going to Hall & Oates that weekend – “Oh, cool! Is that an island?”, my youngest two kids (the brown haired ones) were initially confused (two famous Elvis’, how can that be?), then bemused, and finally, convinced that their father would not be excited about my impulsive plans.
Ha! I explained to my children that my husband (their father) always sprinkled a couple of Elvis Costello songs on to mixed tapes that he made for me, when we were dating in college. I then went on to remind them what mixed tapes were, and I laughed as I thought about the “fun” we had when the tapes accidentally turned into unwound, knotted up messes.
Anyway, I firmly believe that my husband is even more excited for the concert than I am. I think Elvis Costello appeals to my conservative husband’s secret side – the rebellious poet. Here are some interesting thoughts/quotes from the sometimes controversial, but decidedly talented Mr. Costello:
“I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused.”
“I wish you luck with a capital F.”
“Who put these fingerprints on my imagination?”
“There are some things you can’t cover up with lipstick and powder.”
I learned a new word this morning. I get a daily email from word genius and like an annoying, smug, little know-it-all kid in your honors English class, often I look at the “word of the day”, that comes on this email and I say to myself, “Oh, phhhh, I already know that word.” Well, lah-ti-f-ing-dah! (that one is not actually a real word. It’s not likely to be featured on word genius any time in the near future.)
Today’s word is a lovely word. I absolutely plan to add it to my vernacular. Today’s word is Senescence, pronounced Sa-ness-scents. It means “the aging process.” Now if you are thinking, “Oh, phhhh, I already know that word,” to you I say, “Well, Lah-ti-f-ing-dah!” I personally don’t recall ever hearing the word, senescence, and I think it sounds a hell of a lot better than the totally annoying, abrasive, constantly overused word “aging”, that seems to be coming at me at all angles, these days. Doesn’t Senescence Home sound like somewhere you’d actually want to got to, versus “Old Age Home”? Even “Anti-Senescence Cream” makes me want to put the cream back on the shelf, saying to myself, “Maybe I actually want some senescence. It sounds mysterious, sensual and sophisticated.”
Us second half adulters have earned our senescence, which to me, seems to really mean “the essence of sense.” We have so much sense now that we have matured, that we have lengthened the word “sense”, to “senescence”. I’m proud of my hard-earned senescence.
word genius likes to give you fun little facts about the “word of the day”. Today we read that tortoises have what is called negligible senescence, meaning that with proper care and exercise, tortoises can live indefinitely. I think that I might come out with a whole new skin care line. (because we don’t have enough of these products, right Ulta? Ha!) I will call it “Tortoiseshell Luxury Shield Cream – for elegant people who only want to experience negligible senescence.” Anyone offering seed money for this promising enterprise?!?
I’m getting “back to normal” (whatever that means) today, after a busy day of appointments and being out of the house, all day yesterday. For reasons that I cannot fully explain to myself or to others, I have been in a particularly “feeling good”, centered, calm, “go with the flow” kind of a mood, the last few days. (Take that, middle aged hormone fluctuations!!! You can’t keep me down!!!)
I read one of my online meditations today. (Think Smarter – I just can’t get enough of these tweets). I really liked the last line of it. I think this is something that we all need to hear, to know, to absorb, to feel, every single day of our lives. Here goes (you are going to want to enlarge it, print it and keep it somewhere cemented in your mind):
I am sure that I have written about this before, but it is so striking to me that the first half of adulting seems to be so much about building things up, attaining, creating and while there is still some of that momentum going on in the second half of adulting, a new, greater emphasis seems to be on the “letting go.”
One of my meditations this morning talked about the difference between perseverance (hanging in there) and just holding on. When we are just desperately “holding on”, sometimes we are not letting go of a situation or a person or a lifestyle or a job title, etc., that has long passed its expiration date. That’s not perseverance. This type of holding on can turn to desperation, and an inability to move on with our lives.
Anne Wilson Schaef writes this:
“Perseverance is continuing to work at something for as long as there is value in working at it. Perseverance is being appropriately related to ourselves, the situation, and others involved. It is the commitment to seeing something through to completion and the ability to recognize when the completion has been reached.”
I think a lot of us are really good at the stubborn, “dog-on-a-bone”, toughly hanging on, aspect of perseverance, but the understanding when the time has come to let go, is actually the much harder part for many of us. We have been taught not to be quitters, and to always have hope. But I think sometimes we are confused between the real conclusion to something, versus the happy ending that we are deeply attached to, in our minds. Or, sometimes, coming to an ending of something is difficult for us because it is just our individual time of conclusion, in a particular happening – kind of like the passing of a baton, in a long race. It is hard to comprehend that when we are a part of something, that we won’t necessarily always be the ones to see it through to the end, if there really even is a true ending. We have a hard time seeing ourselves as just one part of a long story or journey or adventure. We fear missing out.
It’s interesting to me that when we are blessed enough to reach the second half of our adulting, a time when we have hopefully gained a lot of experience, and the wisdom that comes from all that experience, life shows us that sometimes the hardest lessons often aren’t about the determination to attain something. The dedication to achieve a worthy experience of living, and the moxie, and the stamina, and the steadfastness it takes to even make it to our second halves, while all very important, has all been building to what is sometimes the biggest challenge of all. The hardest lesson, that which we have prepared for, with all of this spunk and all of this persistence, is really the ability to know when a particular lesson, experience, and/or adventure in life, has been exhausted of all that it was meant to teach us. It has been wrung out and we have to take the exit sign, on to our next, new journey. The upside of this, is that we can transfer our hard-earned perseverance to our new focuses in life. When we allow ourselves to surrender to the conclusion of an old adventure, we realize that the immense relief that we feel, frees up new, vital energy that we can put towards new, exciting adventures, making us feel more alive than ever. And, at this second half stage of the game, we now have the wisdom and confidence of knowing that we have the perseverance to see the new experience through to its end, and we also have the knowing that we have the strength to let “it” go, once that ending has arrived for us.
My two eldest sons are spending the weekend in NYC together. There is nothing that warms a mother’s heart more than her children choosing to spend time together that has not been forced upon them or scheduled for them. Seeing my sons’ adult relationship bloom and flourish makes me smile as I write this. I hope that their relationship continues to satisfy them both so much, that they continue to choose to share spontaneous adventures throughout their lifetimes. Because who else better can look into the excited, awe-inspired gaze of an adult on an adventure, and purely see a glimpse of the once known, thrilled, beaming child that lives on underneath the adult exterior?
