March 2025 - Adulting: Second- Half

Considerations (it’s a Thursday Thing)

+ For some reason, this particular post that I wrote four years ago, has been trending a lot lately (and since I have been asked by more than one person – unfortunately the bougainvillea and the house pictured is a stock photo and not actually mine.) It’s not a bad post, if I do say so myself. (and this is when my late grandmother would say, “Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.”)

The Bougainvillea

+ A friend once told me that her marriage counselor said that in long relationships, it’s like being married to eight different people at different times, and so some people are capable of handling this, and some are not. I’m not sure that I agree with this statement completely. I do believe that we mature and we grow and we change (all of us) as life goes on, but I also believe that certain traits and values are pretty hardwired to go the distance with us, throughout our lives (even the ones that we wish we could change). What are your thoughts on this? I am reminded of the wise old adage that says, “Women go into marriage hoping to change the man, and men go into the marriage hoping that the woman never changes.” As a mother of two engaged sons, who have been with their sweethearts for many years, I ponder these things more. I have high hopes for my sons’ beautiful love stories which I am so grateful to witness them, as they gently unfold.

+ A quote I saw recently, I found deeply motivating, and as a person with many decades of life behind me, I have experienced this as fact many times in my own life, and I have often witnessed it happening in the lives of others, too. Know this: “Everything you want, wants you even more.” (just remember that “what you want” is most likely the feeling that you think “what you want” is going to get you. Explore why you want that feeling. And then realize that there are many ways to achieve that feeling that you think that you will get from “what you want”, more than just the far off, highly detailed, specific way you think you have to go about, in order to achieve the feeling. If happiness is what you want, it wants you even more. It is here for the taking. Explore.)

+ If you follow astrology at all, we are in a period of a lot of planets in “retrograde.” Some people believe that this means that people and places and things from our past, will often come around again, to make sure that what we needed to learn and to grow from these particular experiences, has actually happened. If you are experiencing an ex (romantic or otherwise) coming back into your life, Nate Postlethwait has written an excellent guide to “the roadmap to reconciliation.” It’s wise to ponder this roadmap, before jumping right back in. I’ve simplified and paraphrased it here:

Has the other person fully owned their behavior which lead them to becoming an ex in the first place?
Has the other person done “the work” (i.e. sought help from therapy, or groups like AA or self-help, etc.) to fully understand and empathize with the impact of their behavior on you?
Has the other person sincerely apologized for their behavior (showing true empathy and understanding for why you are upset)? A good question to ask here is, “How do you think that made me feel?” People who are incapable of true empathy will struggle with this question.
Has the other person been held accountable for the abusive things that they have done? Have they worked to make amends?
Has the other person stepped out of the victim role, and stopped blaming others for what has happened? Have other people stopped enabling this person to continue their abusive behavior and scapegoating and gaslighting, as well?
Has the other person expressed that they have created peace and healing in their own life, whether you reconcile with them or not? (this shows that they are not just pretending to “change” with the ulterior motive/manipulation of just getting you back into their lives. It shows a true motivation to heal the unhealthy parts of themselves, for themselves, to lead a better life with more fulfilling relationships going forward.)

*****Until these things have happened, it’s probably not safe to bring something or somebody back into your life (at least not intimately), unless you want to experience more of the same abuse. It’s okay to love people from afar. Self-care is healthy and important. Being able to trust yourself, to protect yourself, is absolutely vital.

+ Finally, for those of you who have been wondering – yes, our son got a residency on Match Day in radiology at a major university hospital in our state! We are so thrilled and excited. This is the last year that all four of our babies will be in their twenties. I feel old just writing that, but more so, I feel incredibly thankful and blessed. The best is yet to come . . . . (believe it!)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Just the Same

“This is one of The White Lotus’s best tricks: introducing us to entitled characters who we’re supposed to loathe, while at the same time knowing that, deep down, we’re not entirely unlike them.”

“it was a moment many of us will recognize, where you realize that a decades-long friendship is now primarily held together by its own history, rather than shared values in the present. And if you want it to continue, you might have to look the other way.”

“I think the show is asking a much more exposing question: At our core, do we really change all that much from who we were in high school?”

(quotes from Louis Staples, Bazaar)

I love watching the The White Lotus series. It’s one of my favorite series on TV and I am honestly pretty picky about what I watch. I typically much prefer to watch movies over television. This season three of the The White Lotus series is particularly outsized in its explorations of human psyche and dynamics. This season is definitely more hair-raising and fearless than the previous two seasons (which says a lot), and it certainly won’t be for everyone. (prepare to be sickened – prepare to squirm – prepare to see things that you wish that you could wash eyes out after viewing them)

Interestingly, the most intriguing “story within the story” for many people (and one of the actresses Leslie Bibb is actually surprised by this. She thought that maybe the friendship story would be considered the most boring of all of the subplots, but this is not proving to be the case) is about a trio of high school friends who have gone in all different directions, but still, in their middle forties, remain friends, and have taken a reunion trip in Thailand together, in order to reconnect. But the rest of the story, is a story that is as old as time. The rest of the story (at least so far – we are six episodes into the total of eight episodes which make up this season) is just another modern day version of “Mean Girls“. And if you are a woman, you’ve never had to watch the Mean Girls movie to already know the script (you could probably write it). You can probably guess that the script is full of competition, fake-ness, and passive aggressive behaviors and comments, and some backstabbing, and some gossip, and some more gossip, cleverly being painted as “concern.” And if you are an honest woman, you can admit to yourself that your own self has fallen into one or more, of the not too pretty, surface-level, stereotypical versions of “friend” in various friend groups throughout your lifetime. The friendship being depicted in this season of White Lotus is relatable, but it’s not flattering to any of the friends. It’s triggering. It’s hard to admit toxicity in relationships that mean a lot to you, for the amount of time and energy which you have invested in them. It’s hard to own up to your own unhealthy contributions to a toxic dynamic. It’s hard to face that even in your middle-aged years, you may not have changed as much from your high school years, as you think that you have evolved. That is the trick of The White Lotus. If you have enough humble self-awareness, you can own your humanity, with all of its foibles and flaws and thus, feel more compassion for yourself and for others.

I love to go to Reddit and read people’s thoughts on each new episode of The White Lotus. The friendship trio gets a lot of women admitting to experiencing, and also being part of friendships like the one depicted in the show, for most of their lives. I’ve witnessed my daughter experiencing these dynamics throughout her childhood into college. I’ve witnessed the elder women in my life still experiencing these dynamics in their retirement circles. I honestly don’t know one woman in my life who hasn’t experienced some unhealthy dynamics in her friendships throughout her lifetime. It’s not the story that we like to tell ourselves, though. Our “besties” are our chosen family. Our friends know us better than anyone. Elbert Hubbard’s famous quote is this: “A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.”

And I think the quote by Hubbard is the complicated truth. Our friends are human. Our friends are flawed. We, as individuals, are human. We, as individuals, are flawed. Therefore our human relationships are fragile and flawed. A true friend knows these things about you. And more importantly, a true friend knows these things about themselves. And so, if underneath it all, there is true authenticity and vulnerability in a relationship, despites all of the flaws that everyone brings to the table, you deeply love each other just the same.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Respect

My son, who is finishing up his four years of medical school in May, finds out if he gets a residency today. (sadly, some medical students after doing everything that they possibly could to get into medical school, and then doing everything in their power to pass all of the rigorous testing that medical school entails, still do not end up with residencies) On Friday, if my son has a residency, we will find out where his residency will be on National Match Day, when all graduating medical students who have residencies will find out where they will spend the next five years as medical residents, working crazy hours and making relatively low salaries while they do it. A mysterious algorithm spits this all out on one day. (it’s oddly similar to the NFL draft)

I don’t say this to brag. I am extremely proud of my son. I am extremely proud of all of my sons and my daughter. (along with my husband, my four children are my absolute favorite people on this Earth, not because of their many talents and gifts and loving natures, but mostly because they are mine) I am writing this because we don’t come from a long line of medical people in our family. We knew nothing about medical school and residencies and cadavers and National Match Day until our son decided to take this path in life. And yes, down the line, after our son pays hundreds of thousands back in medical school loans (we paid for his undergrad, a lot of medical students have undergrad loans, as well), and he pays his dues as a resident for another five years (in their first years of residencies, all doctors have to do a general medical rotation, in which they continue to witness the highs and lows of the ER, and the cancer ward, and the psych units, much like they already experienced in their four years of medical school), our son will hopefully have a well-paying, highly respected position at a hospital. But, please realize, most doctors don’t do this for the money. (that might actually be a foolish choice) My son’s two brothers have made plenty of money right out of college, selling tech products. My son’s best friends have made plenty of money right out of college as engineers or as “finance bros” in New York City. My son has not picked the easy route to a prosperous life. His climb has been on the rough side of the mountain. His climb has been an intuitive one, listening to a deep, deep calling, along with all of his medical school friends who have heard the same calling, and were brave enough to listen to it, and to follow it, despite all of the roadblocks and hardships and calamities that taking this calling endures. And for the rest of us on the other side of the mountain, thank God that these people followed this calling. For we all call to them, when we are at our weakest. And they come running.

Witnessing our son’s journey from deciding he wanted to get into medical school (less than half of people who decide to apply to medical school, get in, often applying to 40+ medical schools each), hearing horrific and inspiring and shocking and hopeful and devastating stories that were not fictional depictions of what goes on in hospitals, (Truth is always stranger and certainly more poignant than fiction.), watching our son work grueling hours, while taking one difficult test after difficult test after difficult test, in order to graduate from medical school, I have never felt a more profound respect for those in the medical fields, than I feel right now. I don’t give my respect away easily. People have to earn my respect. My son has earned my deepest respect. His fellow medical student friends have earned my deepest respect.

For those of you in the medical fields, you are among those elite people who make choices not just for yourself, but for all of us in society. Police officers, soldiers, teachers, firefighters and many, many others belong to this most elite of tribes. Thank you for listening to your calling and for serving the rest of us with your incredible gifts. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Discoveries

“We create to discover what we already know but cannot yet name.”

“Don’t be afraid to cut something. The best ideas are resilient. If it truly belongs in your work, it’ll find its way back.”

I took yesterday “off”. I did only the essentials and in the meantime, I read one and a half books. I love to laugh. (and I mean, LAUGH – not chuckling, not giggling – these are just small tastes of the real thing) Chapter two of Disaster Preparedness: A Memoir by Heather Havrilesky made me laugh until I cried. And then I decided to read it out loud to my husband at dinner, and I couldn’t read it to him, without snorting, and losing my breath with laughter. I belly laughed. He could hardly understand what I was reading, so he just laughed along with me. There are few better feelings than belly laughing.

The top two quotes are from a conversation that Kelly Corrigan had on her podcast with Pete Docter, the creator of the animated movies, Inside Out and Monsters, Inc. The first quote resonates in this way: I believe that I laughed so hard reading the chapter in Disaster Preparedness (which is about the author’s growing up in the 1970s/80s) because the author absolutely named feelings that I felt, growing up during that time period, as well. She “named” what I already knew and I had experienced long ago. That is what all artform and creativity is about, right? We allow ourselves to be a channel for the muses inside of us, and out pops something that speaks to us so intimately and intuitively, as if it was always there. We now have a “name”, or a “symbol”, or a “picture” or a “description” or a “song”, for what is swirling inside of us. And often it is these outcomes of our creativity (the name, the symbol, the picture, the description, the book, the song, the movie, the dance . . .) that makes us all feel connected. The dots get connected when we feel a familiarity, or a relatedness, or a knowingness with our own creations, and also with others’ creations.

Yesterday, I also read a memoir by the actress Ione Skye in its entirety. Ione is only a few months older than me, and she played in a lot of TV shows and movies with stars like John Cusack, Keanu Reeves, Matthew Perry and River Phoenix. Ione Skye hung out with the 80s supermodels and had a toxic relationship with Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers and a short marriage to Adam Horovitz (Ad-Rock) of the Beastie Boys. Based on my (unconscious) book choices, I must be feeling nostalgic. What struck me most, while reading this particular book, was that I was experiencing all of these “blasts from the past.” There were many names that I had honestly forgotten all about, until I saw their names in print. This book named all of the BIG names, who were the BIG names in my impressionable, coming up years. I doubt my kids would have even recognized half of the people whom Ione Skye was writing about. I said to my husband, we really do live generationally. Yes, generations overlap like a venn diagram, but ultimately all of our most poignant frames of reference, such as world leaders, national and international major happenings, fashion, famous bands, famous actors, famous movies, etc., are shared primarily with the generation we grew up with. Yes it’s true, many generations experienced the pandemic, but my generation experienced the pandemic as middle aged people, mostly concerned for protecting their children, and also their elders. Reading these books yesterday, gave me a feeling of kinship with my own generation, like I haven’t felt in a while. These books (creations) helped me to discover this nostalgic, grateful, sentimental, loving feeling that I already know and experience deeply. (Gen X, I love you all.)

The second quote from above, doesn’t just apply to creating. I truly believe that if something that is meant for you to have, or to be experienced, it will happen. Don’t worry if you feel like you missed your first shot. Believe that if it is meant to be, the Universe, in all of its glory and wisdom will see to it, and guide you to it, along the way. Your dreams are planted in you, for a reason. I have so many examples and illustrations of this, in my own life. The first one that comes to mind, is the house I currently live in. In my married life, I have never lived longer in one home than in this one, and despite all of its quirks, and its aging bones, and its ever constant need for expensive updates and fixes, I love my home. I have never felt more at home anywhere else. My husband feels the same way. However, when I first visited this home, it was up for sale, it was entirely overpriced, it had a master bathroom that made me laugh out loud, and all there was to the landscaping, was trimmed up, bush-sized weeds. (even as my realtor and I left this home, both still giggling about its bright, bold gold lame’ tub, I had this weird, indescribable, knowing feeling that I would live in it one day.) Well, a few months later, the home which we were renting was being put up for sale by the owner, and we didn’t want to buy it. Our current home (the one I visited with the realtor), not being able to be sold for its ridiculous asking price, was up for rent, and was located just right around the corner from our rental, making for an easy move. We decided that we could live with a gold lame’ tub for one year. After one year, the house was growing on us (and also, we didn’t want to move again, being a family of six, plus a menagerie of pets). And so, we were able to get the beleaguered owners down to a fair price, and we purchased the home. Fast forward, 11 years later. Home Sweet Home.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thinky Thursday

I have found that Thursdays are the days on which I am most drawn to writing on my blog. Maybe it’s because I have accumulated a lot in my head throughout the week, and before I chuck it all, and just enjoy my favorite, free-flowing Fridays, I decide that I must record some of what I have experienced and learned for posterity’s sake. (the older I get, the more I find that I must write things down. I probably will end up being one of those little old ladies who lives in a sea of colorful post-it notes, guiding her all along the way.) Speaking of writing things down, I was shopping yesterday, and I overheard two young women talking. The one young lady said to the other, “Oh, I need to get an address book.” And the other said, “For what?” And the first young lady answered, “For the wedding.”

Now this is one of those times that my evil, ever-present eavesdropping got the best of me, and I blurted out, “Girls, I have been married for over 30 years, and I still have my precious little “wedding box”. It’s like a recipe box that holds address cards. I just use colorful notecards to write down new people in my life, and also for the new addresses of the “old people” in my life. I know that we are supposed to computerize everything these days, but I honestly love my wedding box.”

The bride-to-be seemed absolutely delighted by my suggestion (sweet girl). She said, “Oh that’s a great idea! Thank you. I don’t like computerizing everything either.” (girl after my own heart)

Speaking of young ladies, lately I’ve noticed a beautiful trend on a lot of young ladies’ faces. I call it “subtle sparkle.” I have been the unfortunate experimenter of “splashy sparkle” throughout my life, but “subtle sparkle” is so much more lovely, and intriguing. One of my future daughter-in-law’s friends was talking to me, and as we were talking, I noticed her gorgeous green eyes especially. I then noticed just a hint of sparkle on her eyelids and I asked her if she thought that my crepey 54-year-old eyelids could pull it off. She insisted that I absolutely could (sweet, sweet girl) and she told me that it was Fenty Diamond Bomb All Over eyeshadow. Ironically, this same week, a young lady was waiting on me at my local grocery store, and she carried the same kind of intoxicating, clandestine shimmer on her eyelids. She shared with me that her eyeshadow was Moondust by Urban Decay – Space Cowboy. I took this as a sign to buy. I am a true believer that we are never too old for a little shimmer in our lives. Try these out, friends. Let your light shine.

There are two more things that I need to record on the blog this Thinky Thursday: First, I read an excellent article this morning by Sasha Chapin who insists that true charisma is responsiveness. It’s a fact, isn’t it? I immediately thought of the people whom I consider to be the most charismatic people in my life, and what makes them so intriguing is that they are so utterly intrigued with life, and with other people. Sasha says this about one of his own most charismatic acquaintances: “He is remarkably compelling, largely because he seems captivated by everyone and everything around him. Everywhere he goes, there is more ambient energy.” Chapin also says this: “You might dismiss this as a trick, but unless you genuinely love people and are comfortable in your own skin, it’s a really hard trick to pull off.” Reading this article, I immediately thought of one of the most charismatic people I have ever known. Her name was Jodi and she was a high school friend of mine, and of everyone else’s. She has unfortunately passed away many, many years ago (she died soon after we graduated from high school), but I can still vividly picture Jodi’s sparkly eyes and her bright smile, to this very day. She was probably one of the most popular people in our high school, but not just with the popular crowd. Everyone loved Jodi and I believe that it was because when you were with her, she gave you her full, genuine attention. She was authentically responsive to everyone she met. She didn’t just put on a show. Jodi pulled you on stage, and made you part of her show. True charisma is responsiveness.

And here’s a final fun tip: Earlier this week I read a good article that compared our minds to overworked, overstressed, on-the-verge-of-burnout employees. We all have three elements to ourselves: Mind, Body, Spirit But we humans have a tendency to dump all of our decision making onto our poor, overworked, overstressed, overthinking, overanalyzing, on-the-verge-of-burnout Minds. Our Spirits are subtle. Our intuition rarely screams. Our Spirit prefers “subtle sparkle”, but it always knows what is best for us. And our Bodies are workhorses. Our Bodies go, go, go until they don’t have the choice but to finally scream out in pain. So, in order to give our Minds a break, and to give our Bodies and our Spirits the equal attention that they so full-heartedly deserve, here is interesting way to tune into what our Bodies and Spirits are trying to say to us. Use yourself as a human pendulum. Stand up and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Think of a decision which you are having trouble making, and form this decision as a “Yes/No” question. Now notice if your Body is leaning forwards or backwards. At this moment, your relaxed Body is listening to the “subtle sparkle” of your Spirit. If it leans forward, the answer to your question is “yes.” If your Body leans backwards, the answer to your question is “no.” Now, of course, your overstressed, overworked, over analytical Mind is going to try to immediately take over and call all of this nonsense, but teamwork is dreamwork. Don’t necessarily dismiss what your Mind tells you, but make sure that you don’t dismiss what your Body and your Spirit are trying to tell you either.

That’s all for today, friends. Have a wonderful weekend. Shine on.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

They Both Got Good Ones

This morning on a phone call:

Me: Did you hear that Dolly Parton’s husband died?

My husband: Yes, and when I saw that news I thought to myself, Kelly’s going to dive deep into that one.

He knows me so well. I had already read about a dozen articles about Dolly’s marriage and extremely private husband. They were supposedly opposites, but they loved each other’s company. Dolly called Carl Dean, her husband, her “best friend” and she said that they shared a naughty sense of humor. While Carl Dean hated the limelight and he was, in her words, more of a “loner”, he always supported her decision to be a country music star and everything that comes with that profession. Carl told her that he had picked her, not the lifestyle, and that he would always pick her for the rest of his life. In one video, Dolly (who met Carl Dean when she was just 18 years old, and married him at age 20) spoke of the great comfort it is to come home to someone who clearly knows you, and who loves you for exactly who you are, when everything else is stripped away.

My favorite quote about Dolly and Carl was from a reddit thread from a couple of years ago. One redditor simply said, “They both got good ones.” I think that sums it up perfectly. Maybe for some, that is all that there is, to the simplest, best formula for a happily ever after marriage.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.