Good morning, friends. If you didn’t get a chance to read Thursday’s blog post, “The Lifeboat” or even if you did, please go back and read my wonderful, and loyal reader Kelly’s response to that post. It is beautiful, poignant and real. And (the other) Kelly is truly an excellent writer.
This is a “Gorge Season” in my family. Every family has them. We have three birthdays in a matter of a couple of weeks, and usually Easter falls right in the mix, as well. Yesterday, for my daughter’s birthday, we started with an onslaught of doughnuts, went to a very generous Japanese steakhouse for dinner, and ended up with my daughter’s favorite chocolate volcano cake and ice cream right before bedtime. My husband mentioned more than once that he had the worst night’s sleep of his life, last night. And we are just out of the starting gate on this year’s early Gorge Season. It gets harder every year, as we age, but somehow we manage to go at our spring Gorge Season with great gusto.
Before my daughter’s best friend arrived to our home to join us for dinner last night, I was thumbing through “Real Simple” magazine (the March issue). I have subscribed to this magazine for years. It’s a good one. One of my favorite features is the Modern Manners advice column by Catherine Newman. If I had to summarize almost every answer that she gives to her readers about various issues that they are in a huff about, I would say it is something like this: “Take a chill pill. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Life is too short. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”
In this issue, one person was upset with how her guests didn’t leave her borrowed RV the way she felt they “should have” done it. This is the finishing line of Catherine Newman’s answer to the reader: ” ‘Read my mind’ is an unrewarding approach to just about everything; if there are invisible strings attached, people tend to get tangled up in them.”
Another reader noticed some expensive antique silver decanter labels were missing after a few dinner parties she held for friends. She was concerned that they may have been stolen and she asked Newman if she should bring it up with her friends. Newman reminded her of the great possibility of finding the misplaced labels (this kind of thing has happened to me before, and then my high-and-mighty, outraged, suspicious mind immediately turns to shamed, chagrined mind. Has this happened to you? Not fun.) Newman’s finishing line to her answer to this reader: “Things are just things. Assume you lost them, and let them go.”
The final reader’s question was about her father constantly giving her unsolicited advice via articles that make her feel belittled and insulted. She wanted to know how to handle asking him to stop this behavior. A few of Newman’s final lines on this one were excellent: “You could also remind him that you’re on the same page. As my own son has said to me, ‘I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.’ ”
That one hit home with a little sting of “ouch”. Why do we parents have the tendency to forget that our adult children and our dearest friends and family, all likely share the same goals that we do? “I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.” And why do we all think we have the secret formula for everyone’s happiness and success??? In 2022, the self-improvement industry is projected to be worth around $13 billion dollars. If we all had the easy formula, there would be no 13 billion dollar industry to support. And further, everyone’s idea of happiness and success is different. My extremely extroverted and social friend was telling me that with my soon-to-be empty nest right around the corner, I probably should start to join a lot of clubs, find some social events, and fill up my calendar with lots of stuff in order to stave off the loss of my regular routine. I know that she meant well, and that she was trying to take care of me with love, so I didn’t have the heart to say, “That sounds like pure hell to me.” Her idea of happiness and fulfillment, is my idea of hell.
What I like best about the overall theme of “Real Simple” magazine, and that includes Catherine Newman’s Modern Manners column, is that it reminds me not to overcomplicate things. It reminds me that very few things in life are worth torrents of emotional angst and loads of hand wringing. It reminds me that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it. The older that I get, real simple feels real good. Maybe being happy and successful comes down to just experiencing the experience. The older that I get, the more plausible this seems. It really could be as simple as that – experience the experience, and then let it all go.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
OMG, thank you for the shoutout and for being so generous with your space! I am very flattered that you asked your readers to go back and read my response to The Lifeboat. Obviously, that piece struck a chord deep within me and I was compelled to write about it. I think I’ll modify my answer and post it in my space on Quora and see if it provokes comments from other readers. If I’m feeling it, other people must be feeling it too.
As for today’s post, Real Simple, I’m a fan as well! This passage that you wrote rings especially true for me:
“It reminds me that very few things in life are worth torrents of emotional angst and loads of hand wringing. It reminds me that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it.”
You absolutely nailed it with that statement. It’s all about CHOICE. I suspect that the majority of people don’t even realize that they have the choice. They experience emotions as something that happens TO them, not something that is generated BY them. My therapist said something profound to me last week: Emotions are clues. When we feel an emotion, especially something uncomfortable, we need to stop and ask the question, “What are you trying to tell me?” Taking the time to unpack the feeling and discover the source of the discomfort often reveals erroneous assumptions and/or faulty logic. At that point we have the opportunity to make a more informed decision, and we can literally choose to change our emotional experience.
It’s so simple, real simple even, but most people don’t know that they can do it. It takes courage because you have to be willing to encounter a truth about yourself that might not be pretty. Or sometimes, you discover a truth about yourself that is mind-blowing in terms of how AWESOME you actually are, and that can be just as unsettling as finding something that you don’t like!
So, I’m with you. KISS – Keep It Simple, Sweetheart!
KISS! Love it!!