No Offense

“Not to be a bitch.”

~ Me, about to be a bitch. – @WetMascara – Twitter

My sister used to always say, if you are about to start a conversation with “No offense, but . . . .” that’s your cue to shut your mouth right there. It’s like you are giving yourself your own pause and warning and finger shaking, that this conversation is not headed anywhere good, but sometimes, you just can’t help yourself, right? You keep blabbering on. And you naively believe that by saying “not to be a bitch”, or “no offense but”, or perhaps if you are a guy, the guy version is “not to be a dick”, that this is somehow going to negate every offensive word coming out of your mouth. It’s like we believe that the person who is about to get our verbal assault, appreciates the warning, and puts on their “sticks and stones – words don’t hurt me” invisible cloak of calloused thick skin. It’s like we believe that the person about to get a tongue lashing from us, is now going to sit in an aura of “open-mindedness” and gratefulness for our opinions, because we gave them a forewarning of our verbal punch, about to hit them in the face. It’s like we think that “not to be a bitch” is some kind of free pass or a “get out of jail free card”. It never turns out that way. It never does.

Instead what happens is that the person about to get insulted, has their hackles up. They’re pulling out their own verbal guns, and they are getting ready to aim them right back at you. You are about ready to experience a hard lashing from their prepared defense. Or worse, you are about to distance an important relationship that you have, because that person is about to retreat with some hurt feelings, and some deep resentment held against you.

It struck me, when nodding at this tweet, with unfortunate recognition and chagrin, that the people with whom we start conversations with “no offense but”, are usually people whom we genuinely care about. People who truly deserve our tongue lashings and unsolicited advice, are people whom we would never dream of giving them a warning, as to what is about to come. And when we know that these people, who got our verbal assault without any warning, deserved to be put in their place, we aren’t usually that concerned whether these people are offended or not. These are not the people whom we typically care to keep a relationship with in our lives.

The other day, I was blathering on about a decision that I was trying to make, out loud, on the phone with my aunt. She listened and when a pause in my dramatic soliloquy came, she calmly asked me, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?”

I actually paused again, to think about it. Yes, I did want her opinion, but I was so honored (and honestly, kind of shocked) that she asked me first. I felt deeply respected by that question. It’s a question that I hope to incorporate more into my own conversations going forward. It made me feel valued and heard. People who ask questions are the best kind of listeners.

If I’m honest with myself my “no offense but” usually comes out of me when I am exhausted from listening to the “same old/same old” complaints and problems, from people who seem to like to complain, but do not take any fruitful action to change the situation which they are complaining about. But who is to blame for my exhaustion and frustration with these types of conversations? (I am the one who is exhausted and frustrated, right?) I am offering a free audience to someone who likes to complain. I am volunteering a free audience to someone who perhaps genuinely enjoys complaining, and has no intention to change the situation which they are complaining about. Ever. The remedy here is not to snap out my nasty, high and mighty, “Not to be a bitch, but this situation is never going to change, and you aren’t doing anything about it”. Instead, I have other choices. I can change the subject, or I can politely ask, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?” Or, I can realize that this person just wants a listening ear, and I can decide whether I want to be the listening ear for this particular situation. (because after all, they are my ears, right?)

To be clear, no offense is intended with this blog post. The gut punch is all my own.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.