I just finished an excellent book called, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Tawwab is a relationship therapist and the premise of her book is that almost all relationship issues (marital, family, friends, work, etc.) are related to our inabilities to create, and to enforce good boundaries for ourselves. Tawwab believes that the number one reason why people do not create and enforce personal boundaries, all stems from the fear of feeling “guilt.”
No one likes to feel “guilt”. It’s one of those negative emotions that feels like it is going to eat you alive. Guilt is one of those sickenly atrocious feelings that remind you of just how deep and unrelenting your feelings can be. Still, guilt is just a feeling, and if we don’t avoid our feelings, or deny our feelings, or ruminate in them, feelings pass, and often, fleetingly. When Tawwab suggests to one of her clients to place a boundary in a relationship, such as requiring people to call before showing up at their house, or to not call after 7 pm, she says that inevitably, her clients ask her how to place and how to enforce these boundaries without feeling “guilt.” Tawwab matter-of-factly tells them, “You will feel guilt. Do it anyway.” Tawwab then uses the analogy of the excitement we feel, the few days before we are going on a vacation. We still go about doing our daily duties, with the excitement still there, brimming in the background. “Excitement” is a feeling, just like “guilt” is a feeling, but we don’t have to let our feelings engulf us and/or put us in a frozen, catatonic state that stops us from living our lives.
Just like many other languages (other than English), have a lot of different words for “love”, I believe that we also need different words for “guilt.” Appropriate guilt is good. When we have done something, or we have said something, that goes against our own moral code (purposely, or even unintentionally), and this action has caused pain to ourselves and/or to others, the guilt that we feel helps to steer us on, to changing our behavior and to making amends. Feeling appropriate guilt is what separates most of us, from the few sociopathic and psychopathic people in our midsts. Feeling guilt is an appropriate response for having done something wrong. It is a natural navigational feeling to steer us back “on course”.
However, I think what we more commonly feel on a regular basis, is an inappropriate guilt, based on the erroneous idea that we are responsible for other people’s feelings and happiness. Even though the physical feelings are often identical, appropriate guilt is much different than what I am going to call, FODO (fear of disappointing others). Since the feelings are so similar in our bodies, when we are feeling “guilt”, the key question to ask ourselves is, “What did I do wrong?”
If I run a stop sign, and I cause a rear end collision, I will feel appropriate guilt. What did I do wrong? I ran a stop sign. (intentionally or unintentionally, I did it) I will apologize, I will give my insurance information, and I will take steps to be more careful when I am driving. The guilt will dissipate by me taking these actions. On the other hand, if my friend wants me to go out to eat with her, and I say no because I am tired, or I just don’t feel like it, or I would rather do something else, and she acts disappointed, I may feel those feelings that we tend to lump together under the heading of “guilt”. However, what I am really feeling, in this particular situation, is FODO (fear of disappointing others). What did I do wrong by saying “no” to my friend? Nothing. If she is feeling disappointed, that’s for her to work through. She has the right to feel disappointed or whatever feelings she feels, but her feelings are not my responsibility to change. And at the same token, it is not my friend’s responsibility to alleviate me of my feelings of “guilt” (FODO).
We don’t like to hurt the people whom we love. Honestly, we don’t like to hurt anyone in general. We fear disappointing others, because we fear losing them, or we fear being judged by them. But if the only way to keep a relationship with someone, is to constantly be doing things that don’t feel right for us, is this really a healthy relationship worth fostering in the long term? Is this really a healthy, authentic, growing, true relationship for either party involved?
Sometimes we do things that we aren’t completely excited about, out of our love for other people, and we do these things because it makes us happy to see them happy. When we choose to do these things, our motivation is primarily out of love, and not out of obligation, or to avoid feeling “guilt.” If I watch a football game with my husband, it may not be my first choice of things to do, but I enjoy being with him, and I like to participate in his interests sometimes. However, if I watched football games with him, all of the time, because I felt obligated to do it, for fear of losing my relationship with him, or to avoid some other negative consequence (such as him being angry or grumpy or aloof, etc.) than soon, my feelings would turn to resentment. The saying goes, “Choose guilt over resentment any time. Resentment is a slow burning soul killer.”
One of my wisest mentors once told me emphatically, “Never “should” on yourself.” Question every “should” that comes up in your mind. Is this “should” in your life something that you honestly believe, or is this “should” something that has been conditioned in you, or imposed upon you, by your family, or by your friends, or by society in general? It is a wise practice to take inventory of your own personal “shoulds” on a regular basis. Are you spending your holidays how you would like to spend them? Are you living where you would like to live? Do you belong to clubs and churches and activities and political parties and schools, that speak to your most intuitive self, and reflect your own personal interests and beliefs? Do you wear your hair in a style and a color that appeals to you? Do you wear clothes that appeal to you, and best reflect your true self? Do you keep work hours that feel right and fair to you? Does your work fulfill you in more than just a monetary sense? Are the people who you spend the most time with, your healthiest, most fulfilling relationships? Do you feel the need to hide parts of yourself, such as your sexuality, or your beliefs, or your hobbies, or your past, in fear of being judged or shamed? Do you go to restaurants, and see movies, and drive cars, and take trips, and read books that you like, or are your choices more a reflection on what “others would think”? Do you live an authentic life, or is your motivation primarily to impress or to please others (which, as we all know, is a futile, pointless endgame)? On the other hand, do you try to manipulate others with “shoulds” (and thus help to create fake, empty relationships filled with resentment and based on obligation), with the false, impossible idea that others are responsible for, and are somehow capable to create your own long term happiness, for you?
If a lot of your answers to these questions, made you realize just how much of your own life is being run by “shoulds” that ring false to you, or you realize that a lot of your life decisions are made, in order to avoid feeling FODO (fear of disappointing others), let this be your wake-up call. FODO won’t kill you. Resentment will. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your own happiness. These rules apply to everyone else, too. Once we are adults, everyone is responsible for their own selves. We were each given an incredibly unique and rare set of circumstances in order to experience a life that no one else has ever lived, nor will ever live again. Do not cheat yourself nor swindle Creation, by not being true to your own aspirations and insights and goals and lessons. Do not let something as trifling as a passing feeling (FODO), stop you from living your life to its fullest, deepest, most meaningful experience. When you take responsibility for your own life and happiness by being true to yourself with all of your decisions, those who truly love you, could never be disappointed. To see you shine in your truest, healthiest, most authentic glory will be a gift of inspiration to others, to do the same thing for themselves. And when that happens, we are all so much better off for it.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
