Tag: toxic relationships

Starry Skies

My sister used to say that everything has an expiration date. We were actually talking about hair stylists at the time. My current hair stylist is wonderful. I have been going to her for several years now, and unless she retires, I don’t see an expiration date in sight for using her services. But I have had several hair stylists throughout the years and at the time of having that conversation, I was feeling guilty about wanting to try a new one.

I was reminded of this conversation because recently my middle son was lamenting about feeling uneasy about a friendship that he is no longer interested in pursuing. He has had this friend since they were children, but they are going on two completely different paths in life, and they have very little in common anymore. The glue that keeps them together is little more than “guilt” these days, and perhaps a little bit of a sad nostalgia for “what was”.

I’ve had meaningful relationship experiences with people I was only with for a day – a nurse who held me and soothed me when I was crying about my miscarriage, an almost all night long, deep, meaningful conversation with other teenagers whom I had met on a summer vacation across the country, and a cancer patient whom I met on a long flight. She and I ended up sharing a pleasant lunch together at an airport. I have never forgotten any of these people. Obviously. I am writing about them now.

How long a relationship lasts does not indicate how profound or meaningful it is to your life. Healthy relationships are built on mutual connection and affection. Unhealthy relationships are based on fear, obligation and guilt. What was once a mutually healthy, growing relationship, can become unstable, and stale, and even toxic. Everyone and everything on this earth is involved in a constant process of change. Sometimes these evolutions bring you closer to others, and sometimes these transformations show that the time has come to go our separate ways.

Sometimes it’s necessary to love people from afar, and from a distance. Sometimes it’s comforting to reflect on all of the connections that you have made in your own lifetime, and to remember these relationships and experiences fondly and gratefully for the growth that they have created in you. It is sort of like gazing at the same stars, in the same sky. We all have stars of connection that we have shared with others throughout our lifetime, and the light from the stars of those same shared connections, continue to shine brightly, in our hearts, in the form of gratefulness and of fond memories. By the end of our lifetimes, we will have created a star-filled sky of connections for ourselves, and at the same time, we know that we are a shiny, brilliant part (no matter how distant) of many others’ star-filled skies of lifetime connections, relationships, and bonds. No relationship is ever truly over if it is always remembered. We just have to look up at the starry skies at night to understand this pure truth.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Understanding

Few people talk about the grief that comes after ending toxic relationships. Intellectually, we know it’s for the best, but we also have suffered a deep loss many don’t understand. – Dr. Nicole LePera

This was an interesting tweet by Dr. LePera that got a lot of responses of relatability. One response was so interesting that I had to put it into one of my inspirational notebooks: “Sometimes the head takes the elevator, while the heart takes the stairs.” (@sparkleandcocoa)

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Just like people, many relationships have their good, healthy aspects and then their not-so-healthy characteristics. Some people can have healthy, loving, mutually satisfying relationships with people whom other people find to be completely toxic. Some people make excellent mentors or teachers or siblings, or leaders, but not so good spouses, parents, or friends, and vice versa. Some people are one person’s dream partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor, etc. and at very same time can be another person’s nightmare partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor. It’s all relative and complicated and based on individuals’ temperaments, personalities, needs, beliefs, passions and tolerances, and how well these elements match to one another.

The loss of any relationship whether it’s due to death, or to a choice, has to be processed and grieved. Nothing is black and white. Most relationships have at least some good aspects to them. If relationships were purely toxic, they wouldn’t have likely come into fruition in the first place. When you grieve a relationship, you not only grieve “what was”, but also “what could have been.” Endings indicate a need to process “what was”. “What could be” is no longer in the cards.

I always call grief the loneliest emotion, because even if two people are grieving the same person, or the same experience, everyone has to do grief in their own way, and in their own time. No one grieves in the same manner. Usually the same loss means a different kind of loss for each individual in a relationship. What is universal however, is that never is there a more important time in the world for gentleness and kindness and understanding and empathy, then when someone is grieving.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Narcissism Ad Nauseum

There is so much attention on the personality disorder called narcissism these days. It’s almost overwhelming the amount of information and so-called experts that there are on the subject of narcissism, in books, in social media, on TV, and in podcasts. Many of us have become armchair psychologists, doling out diagnoses of narcissism to the people in our own lives, whom we dislike, and whom we find distasteful. Many times I have experienced two people who I know, who were once a romantic couple, or who were once extremely close friends, all of the sudden, after the breakdown of the relationship, each triumphantly calling the other a narcissist, sometimes with fancy adjectives like “malignant”, “sociopathic” or “covert” added to the title, for flourish and for emphasis. Believe it or not, though, not every self-absorbed, self-impressed person who takes too many selfies, is actually a narcissist. A true, clinically diagnosed narcissist, is probably more rare than snow in south Florida, because most narcissists will never, ever get near to a psychologist’s office for self-reflection, and/or diagnosis. Self-reflection is not at all possible for a true narcissist. A true narcissist blames all of his or her own problems, on all other people, and on institutions that have somehow personally persecuted him or her, in his or her own mind. A true narcissist believes that they are never at fault for anything. A true narcissist is a perpetual victim. A true narcissist will never find reasons to change themselves, in order to create any kind of lasting, meaningful, positive adjustments, in their lives and in their relationships. A true narcissist might do chameleon-like, manipulative acts, here and there, to get you to do what they want you to do for them immediately, but in the long term, a true narcissist will always revert back to their insidious, controlling, image conscious, conniving, self-interested behavior, in all of their relationships. (This happens in their professional and their personal relationships, and even in their casual relationships). A true narcissist does not feel any empathy for anyone. He or she only sees others as objects. Narcissists see others as objects and tools who are for nothing more than to get the narcissist, whatever he or she wants. If others do not comply with the narcissist’s bullying, angry outbursts, and manipulations, then the narcissist plays the poor, abandoned victim, and then quickly moves on to their next target.

When you have experienced a relationship with a person who meets the actual diagnosed criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, you will never have to question what the word “toxic” means again. The level of emotional abuse, confusion, cruelty, hurt, “walking on eggshells”, targeted rage, bewilderment, anxiety, sadness, dramatic highs/lows, and self questioning that goes along with being in a relationship with this type of personality disordered person, is overwhelming, damaging, and traumatic. I don’t choose to get into the details right now, but I will say that I learned what the word “narcissist” meant, long before their were millions of resources out there, describing this disorder. I learned what the word “narcissist” meant before there was even a fully functioning internet. And at that time, I was so incredibly relieved to have a name and a description, for what was going on in some of my closest relationships. I felt so gratified and validated to finally understand that my perceptions and my intuitions were correct. This is why part of me is extremely happy that these resources are so readily available now, for confused and bewildered people who are in relationships with narcissists and other toxic, personality-disordered people. To feel the kind of validation that I felt, is so gratifying and awakening, and I want that consoling feeling for anybody.

That being said, there is another part of me who sees that the terminology around narcissism is getting somewhat watered down, and the term “narcissist” is becoming so mainstream, that it sometimes casts doubts on people who truly have suffered in toxic relationships, with these extremely disordered and damaged narcissists. And honestly, a lot of people who we casually disparage as “narcissists” might not actually be diagnosed as such, if they were to undergo the clinical testing that factually determines people’s psychological disorders. But here’s the thing, none of this matters. If the behavior that any one person is exhibiting to you, is painful to you, that is all that you need to know.

When healing from toxic relationships, there is a stage that everyone goes through, where it is so comforting to plow through all of the resources to help explain and to confirm, what was just experienced, in an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, though, this stage is a stage where a lot of people get stuck. A lot of us become unofficial Ph.Ds. in psychology, relationships, addictions, personality disorders, etc. at this awakening stage. While it feels good to have a “definition” and proof of one’s undeserved victimization, what really feels good is growing strong enough and wise enough, to gain enough self-love and enough self-confidence and enough self-awareness, that you are highly unlikely to fall prey to any of these toxic, painful, user-types in your own life, ever again.

Most narcissists don’t fall for other narcissists. Most healthy people, with healthy boundaries and expectations, are not narcissists’ main attractions either. Narcissists tend to be magnets for people with low self-esteem, above average empathy and sensitivity, and porous or non-existent boundaries. The reality is that most narcissists and other toxic individuals, developed their personality disorders from abusive people and situations in their own lives, and codependent-type people, with a lot of empathy, often think that with just enough patience and stamina and love, they can help, or change, or heal the narcissists in their lives. (Unfortunately, a healed narcissist is among one of the rarest things in life, even more rare than snow in South Florida. When you are not capable of self introspection, all hopes of healing, end right there. And, like any other infliction, others can support you and guide you, but only you can heal yourself, and that firstly, takes a strong personal desire for change, and for help. It takes an honest and earnest ability to take personal responsibility for your own life. A true, clinical narcissist really isn’t capable of this action, short of a miracle.) Bottom line, if you find yourself in a lot of relationships that feel toxic and uneven and painful, instead of trying to find the correct label for that toxic person or people in your life, and then staying mired in those definitions and in “the whys” that particular person or persons became so damaged and hurt you, and then spending even more time trying to figure out how you can “fix” them, your energy is much better served focusing on YOU, and on your life going forward. Instead of staying stuck in righteous indignation for all the ways that a person “did you dirty”, make your list of their wrongdoings, burn it, and then make a devout promise to yourself that you will practice tools, to keep your precious self, protected and deeply loved, from here on out. It doesn’t matter, really, if the person who you had an unhealthy experience with is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or Lucifer, himself, or maybe just Oscar the Grouch. What matters is, that you recognize that you deserve more. What matters is, that you stand up for yourself. What matters is, that you protect yourself. What matters is, that you honor your own intuition and feelings and boundaries, and make that your highest goal for yourself, for the rest of your life. If you have trouble doing any of that for yourself, choose someone wonderful, who you love more than anyone or anything on this earth, perhaps your child, or a dear friend, or a healthy partner, or your beloved pet, etc. and any time that you have to make a decision for yourself, ask yourself what you would want for that particular loved one, and you do that for yourself.

When you get to this level of self-respect, self-care, self-sufficiency, you’re a badass. You’re practically bullet-proof. And toxic people like much easier targets than bullet-proof badasses. It doesn’t matter if all of the world calls someone who hurt you a jerk, or a victim, or a sweetheart, or a malignant narcissist. What matters is that you trust yourself, to accept what you want for your life, and you accept nothing less. When you are bubbling over, full of life and love itself, you won’t go wandering around looking for others to fill you up, whether it be with their acceptance, or their attention, or their approval. When you trust yourself to honor yourself and your own needs, you will attract other healthy people into your life, who are doing the exact same thing. That’s inspiring. That’s enlivening. And don’t forget, the old adage is true: Living well is the best revenge.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.