Tag: self worth

Gift Ideas

I think what I have been most jealous about men, throughout my life, is that they don’t seem to worry nearly as much as we women do, about what other people think. I just finished watching a wonderful Oprah Insider video which featured an author and psychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb. She said this: “Guilt is not part of the X chromosome.” The audience of mostly women, laughed knowingly and appreciatively. Gottlieb’s point is that society has conditioned women to believe that other people’s feelings are our responsibility, and so we take on what is called “emotional load/labor” on top of all of the other caretaking duties that often end up disproportionately in our laps.

Interestingly though, because we women often believe that we are responsible for other people’s feelings, we tend to get really controlling about the narrative. We try to control what other people think about us, or about situations, instead of just accepting and allowing other people to think what they think, and to feel what they feel. In this regard, men tend to be better at “Live and let live.” Men don’t seem to get their self-worth from what other people think about them, nearly as much as we women do. Men get their self-worth from what they think about themselves, and my hunch is that they aren’t nearly as hard on themselves, as we women tend to be on ourselves.

I don’t mean to generalize. This is just a theme that has been playing out lately in my life, when talking to friends who are women, and with shows and podcasts I have listened to recently. Perhaps a beautiful holiday gift we could give to ourselves, is to stop worrying so much about what other people think, and put all of that energy back into what we think is best for ourselves. And at the same time, a beautiful holiday gift that we could give to others, is the acceptance that they are free to think what they think, and to feel what they feel, without interference from our desperate need to control the narrative.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Lecture #867 to Myself

Today is a good day to give yourself what you need. Instead of being frustrated with others and their lack of fulfilling your needs, step into your power and give it to yourself. Talk to yourself about what your needs are (be the best listener and “hearer” that you have ever had in your life, for yourself), and what feels lacking in your life right now, and ask yourself, calmly but firmly, to find ways to fulfill your own needs. The direct route to anything whether it be a road, or communication, is usually the healthiest, easiest, and fastest way to get to the point of destination, where you are wanting to arrive.

Don’t expect others to fulfill your needs. Make the decision to be the best life manager you have ever been since you took on this role when you were born. Show yourself appreciation. Place boundaries where needed. Give yourself good nourishment, some solitude, some playtime, and sound rest. Be really honest with yourself about what you need, and be really honest with yourself if you have been indirectly trying to get others to fulfill your needs, and then feel resentful when they don’t. There is no better way to get respect from others than giving it to yourself first.

And remember, also, that it is not your job to fulfill other adults’ needs. If they directly ask for help, you can decide whether you have the current capacity to be of service, and then you can choose to do so, willingly and happily. You also have the right and the ability to say, “No.” You are not the only source to fulfill someone else’s various needs. Their source (just like yours) is bubbling inside of them.

(Most of my blog posts that read like the one above, are reminders and lectures that I give to myself. If you need this lecture, too, then I am happy that it helps more than me. If it doesn’t apply, than please just smile to yourself, and think, “Wow, that lady is one hot mess!” and feel smug that you are a little further along on the direct route of your own path in life, and carry on to have a wonderful day.)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.