Tag: retirement

Monday – Funday

I know that I haven’t given the blog the attention that I usually give it these last few days. I’m in a pondering state of mind. It’s like I’ve finally fully accepted that my husband and I are truly empty nesters and now my mind wants to go to all of the “what ifs/what’s next/what do we do with this extra “freedom”/what is my/our vision for going forward.” This line of thinking takes me down many rabbit holes. It’s exciting and daunting and frustrating and interesting and something my husband and I both need a consensus on, in order to go forward with anything. I’ve written about this before, but this is an unsettling time in life, much like any other milestone period. It was mostly a well-defined path to drive the boat down the narrow stream of working, raising the family, limiting our choices to people/places/things etc. that made the most sense for “raising the family” in the best manner for us. Now our boat has landed from that narrow stream to the wide opened up mouth of the Gulf of Mexico. What makes the most sense for us right now? The paths are lot more wide open, and not quite as clear, than they had been for most of our adult lives. Having multiple choices can be formidable. And yet, my least favorite state of mind is “hanging in limbo.” I hate feeling directionless, and yet I know that the pondering and the considering and the weighing of options is vitally important before heading out to sea. Thankfully, my husband and I are yin and yang this way, in relationship to each other. So while we sometimes get really annoyed with each other, we also save each other from too many over-the-top impulse decisions, and yet also from sitting with too much paralyzing indecision, in equal form. We’re good for each other in this way.

And so my dear, wonderful readers, please bear with me in the coming days. Getting around to finally writing the blog this morning has actually been really cathartic for me. (Even though I was really wanting to stay exploring one of my deep diving rabbit holes.) Writing always helps me to see “where I am at”, and it helps to give me clarity. Writing is as good a reflection of oneself as any mirror, if you are willing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself. Writing helps one to “see” any situation more clearly.

To write well is to think clearly. That’s why it’s so hard. ~David McCullough.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2538. What is the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

Absolute Truth & The Four Hour Rule

 “All things in this world, including ourselves, are aggregate sums of atoms, which are made up of rotating electrons. The ultimate history of mankind is moving toward a happy ending for people of all races. The Earth, the galaxy, and the universe all rotate. In other words, I think rotation is the absolute truth. So as long as I’m thinking about pi, I think I can live a life according to truth.” – From the Morning Brew quoting Akira Haraguchi who is the first person to recite 100,000 digits of Pi

Happy Pi Day!! I believe in the truth. I believe that we are headed towards the happy ending for all people. Let’s all just make sure that we are rotating in the right direction.

Yesterday was our annual termite inspection day. Recently we figured out that we have lived in our current home for ten years which is longer than we have lived in any home in the entirety of our married life (and is also why I should be currently cleaning the damn clutter out instead of writing my blog). Anyway, our termite inspection guy is a nice, older chatty guy who, since around 2019, has told us his fondest good-byes, mentioning that he won’t see us next year because he plans to retire. But of course, this same guy showed up at my door yesterday to inspect our house for termites (none, thank goodness) and of course, I teased him. And as usual, as I followed him around the house, as he put a flashlight on to every nook and cranny (and I cringed, embarrassed by the dust), we chatted. Our chat was mostly about “the what nexts” of retirement. I’ll call our inspection guy “M” from here on out. M told me that he really does want to retire, so he has made some, what he considers to be, outlandish demands on his company, like no more Saturday jobs, and that he has to be done inspecting by 2:30. The company keeps happily meeting his demands.

“M, this means that they really love and respect you! They appreciate you. They don’t want you to leave,” is what I said.

And he nodded, looking both proud and sheepish at the same time. “It’s hard for me, ya know,” he said. “There is still that young competitive guy inside of me who wants to be the best in the office, at every facet of the game.”

“M, maybe you just need to change your mindset a little bit,” I said gently. “Maybe there comes a time when we stop the climb, climb, climb, and we turn around, and we become the elders who reach back our hands to help show the youngers the way. Maybe it becomes our job to make the climb a little bit easier for those who are coming up behind us, and pushing them along to surpass what we were able to do. And just maybe, by doing this act of passing on the wisdom, knowledge, and confidence to our younger successors, this is really the true pinnacle of our careers, and of all of the success that we have had in our careers. And maybe we also have to show them that it is possible to leave the game, and to go on to do other things.”

M looked at me thoughtfully, like he wanted to agree, but he is clearly still in a state of flux, thinking everything out before he makes his true retirement move. He did tell me that he is clearly thinking out how he would spend his time if he retires, by checking out local gyms, buying an electric bike, and turning his garage into a mancave. M told me that he didn’t want to ruin his successful, many decades long marriage, in his golden retirement years. M said that the reason why his marriage is so successful is because they took advice that he got from his cousin many years ago. She called it “the four hour rule.” She told M to never spend more than four hours at a time with each other, without taking a break, (sleeping is not included) throughout their marriage, and they will live happily ever after. His cousin reminded him that most major arguments in marriages happen on the weekends, or on vacations and holidays. Couples rarely argue during the week, when they spend just about four hours together in the evening, eating dinner together, talking about their days, and then perhaps watching a show before heading to bed.

Since 2019, when the inspections have been over, I have shook M’s hand and wished him well in his retirement, thanking him for his excellent service throughout the years. This time I didn’t do it. We both laughed when I told him that I’d probably see him again next year. But when I closed my door, I felt a little lump in my throat. This time did feel different. I’m pretty sure that it will be a different person doing the inspection next year. I felt a mix of resignation/excitement/planfulness in M’s demeanor this go around, that told me that M is now truly ready to take his next steps into a truly different stage of his life. And who’s to say what will be happening in my own life at this time next year? Will we still be at this house? Whatever does all happen, I do know is this: M, and me, and everyone else in this world, are ultimately all rotating towards the absolute truth . . . . . and this is all that really matters.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1762. What do you consider yourself an expert at?

Stratagem

Do you remember when you were in high school or in college, and you looked around, and you found yourself super stressed by all the people around you who seemed to have their whole lives already mapped out with carefully crafted, detailed precision? Do you remember those times when it felt like everyone around you was walking around with their vital mission plans in their backpacks and they were just chomping at the bits to get to graduation, and to get on with it? And you were thinking to yourself, “Oh my gosh, do I even have a backpack?” Maybe you were one of those people who came out of the womb holding your solid lifetime plan in your hand, but I was not. I was an achiever, yes. I did well in school. When I fell in love with my husband, I knew that I wanted to share my life with him. I knew that I wanted a big family, but all of the rest of it, seemed more like a hazy outline. (and honestly, sometimes it still does) When I was young, I was caught up in “the shoulds” and people pleasing and towing the line and “achieving”. I followed the script.

I bring this up because lately I feel like I am back in that scene with the backpacks, except now it’s all a bunch of middle-aged empty nesters, carrying weathered, higher quality backpacks, and it appears as if they all have been given their next ironclad missions. They can’t get their For Sale signs out fast enough. The moving trucks pull up, right after the graduation parties. And here I am, back to, “Oh my gosh, do I even have a backpack?” I had a text conversation with my sister-in-law the other day that looked something like this (and for context, our youngest child graduated from high school last year, her youngest child graduated last week):

Me (thinking she would need comfort and reassurance): Congratulations!! Don’t worry, empty nest is really nice and simple and peaceful. You do less dishes and less laundry.

SIL: Yay!! We are putting our house up in the spring, moving across the country to our dream town in our favorite state, we’re going to rent first and then we are going to buy. We’ve been dreaming about this very moment for years, and . . . . . . (on and on and on with precision detail and excitement). And then she asked, What are your plans for empty nest?

Me: Well, um, we don’t have our plans quite sewn down just yet. We’re still figuring it out, but we are having fun doing the figuring out part.

SIL: As long as you are having fun, you are doing it right.

My sister-in-law is correct. Having fun with the process is important, but I still feel envious of my fellow empty nesters, purposefully walking around (sometimes running around) with their seemingly long thought-out, highly anticipated master plans. The one thing that I know for sure, during this next stage of my life, is that I won’t be stuck on “the shoulds” nor “the script.” When I reflect back on my life, the decisions that I made when I followed my heart and my intuition, have brought me to my favorite people, and my most memorable places, and my most treasured activities (such as starting this blog). Perhaps, my own master plans are never meant to be in step-by-step form, held in a handy backpack. Perhaps the compass in my heart is really all that I have ever needed, and it will take me everywhere that I need to go. I just need to trust this fact, let go of my comparison anxiety, and let the needle steady and point me in the direction which always seems to lead to my most authentic, deepest self and my most profound experiences, often in the most spontaneous of ways.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Paradox

I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon lately when people ask me how I am enjoying my empty nest and I say, “I’m loving it!” Some people almost recoil. I had one woman say, “Well, don’t tell your kids that!” What?! Why?! Would it better for me to plague my kids with unfounded guilt over my own neediness? How can I expect my kids to confidently take up the reins of their own adult lives, if I don’t emulate how it is done?! Wasn’t it my primary job to give my four children the proverbial roots and wings? I have completed the main purpose of my job, as a mother. I know that I will always be a support player in all of their lives, but I have proudly handed them the keys to driving their own lives, into the futures of their own choices. I am excited to witness where their adventures take my darlings, and I am excited to dust off my own neglected keys, and to start driving into this next phase of my life, with a little more focus on myself, and the new destinies of my own choosing, this go around.

My family is a traditional family. Other than me having a few part-time jobs here and there, my husband was/is our family’s primary breadwinner. My main job was to run our household and to be the main caretaker of our three sons and our daughter. Out of the almost 29 years of our marriage, I have had the role of family caretaker for 27 years (the age of my eldest son). It has been quite a lot – a lot of fun, a lot of energy, a lot of money, a lot of adventures, a lot of tears, a lot of food, a lot of decisions, a lot of worry, a lot of excitement, a lot of scheduling. . . . Anyone who has ever been in the swirl of a big family, even for just one meal, thinks to themselves, “Wow, this is a lot.”

And guess what? I loved raising my family a lot. I gave it my everything. My family was always my highest priority, and it always will be that, in my heart. However, I am tired. I am spent. I am ready to keep things simpler, quieter and a little bit more focused on my own interests now. And that doesn’t make me a terrible mother. Nor does it negate all of the wonderfulness I have experienced raising my kids for 27 years. I have an excellent relationship with all four of my adult children. I am thrilled to start getting to know them now, more as interesting contemporaries, on a more level playing field.

When someone retires from a decades long career such as teaching or being a police officer or some business position, everyone is so excited for these people. They get comments like, “You must be so excited! I am so happy for you!” No one assumes that these people who devoted a huge portion of their lives to their vocations are devastated to be retiring, and pining away to still do it. Nor does anyone assume that because the retirees are happily anticipating retirement, that must mean that they detested what they did for a living. So why should it be any different for us parents who decided to make parenting and household management our primary vocation?! I have no regrets about how I chose to spend almost all of my adult life, raising my family. I am proud of the family which I helped to create and to lead and to mold. There is nothing in my life that means more to me. But yes, also, “I am so excited about my retirement!” Yes, I am eager to put more of my primary focus on to “me” now. And yes, it’s also a little disappointing to feel like I have to once again defend my choices as a woman, and as a mother, all of the way into the empty nest, especially when I feel like I am defending myself to other women.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Who I Am

Image

@michaelwithana (Twitter)

There’s a conversation that I had with a friend last week that has been swimming around in my head, wondering if there was a blog post to come from it. Then I saw this tweet this morning and I saw it as a sign to “just start writing.”

My friend has a daughter in her early twenties who is going through one of those existential crises, where she is utterly unsure about every decision she has made in her life thus far. The daughter opined to her mother that she felt that every decision she has made thus far, in her young adult life, was because she was following the opinions and directions of others. Her strong will to please others had superseded the will to get to know herself, and to follow her own direction in life. And she felt unhappy and unsure with her current station in life, yet she had no idea what direction she wanted to take next. After my friend told me about this discussion she had with her daughter, she and I almost immediately said at the same time, “What woman hasn’t experienced these feelings at least once in her life? ”

Probably most young people, no matter what their pronouns (my kids would be so proud of me for putting it this way. . . I’m growing . . . .I’m learning) experience this “What am I doing? What is my purpose?” crisis as they grow up, and move out of their childhoods. I remember a time when my eldest son, who was a sophomore in college at the time, called me, in pure angst, declaring, “I just don’t want to be “a suit”, Mom. I can’t end up being “a suit”!” I believe that I said something like, “Well, knowing strongly what you don’t want, can help you to pivot that, to what you do want. If you don’t want to be “a suit”, you do know that you want a career in which you don’t have to don a suit.” On an aside, he’s now a successful tech guy. I think that he only has worn his one and only suit at the very occasional wedding, interview and funeral.

Lately, it has struck me, as we have been getting more Christmas cards with address changes than we have gotten in a long time, that my husband and I are entering into one of these transitional times in life, when this type of existential crisis starts rearing its ugly head again. Kids are growing up, and leaving the nest. Friends are retiring or changing career paths, while downsizing or changing their lifestyles completely. The sometimes mindless, yet purposeful formula that we have been following (and the formula that most of our contemporaries have been following) is coming to a close, as it enters into a wide open, blank-spaced new chapter in our lives. And that’s daunting. Exciting, but daunting. This stage in life starts churning up an angsty, but undirected sense of urgency. As previous ironclad objectives and goals come to a close, the time has come for imaginative pondering and wandering into wide open possibilities.

Before writing this blog post, I read a few articles about getting to know yourself, but I liked this question set, written by Farnoosh Brock, the best. It really helps get the contemplative juices flowing (taken verbatim from this article: https://www.prolificliving.com/get-to-know-yourself/)

  1. What activity in your life lights you up with joy?
  2. What is something you always love doing, even when you are tired or rushed? Why?
  3. If a relationship or job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave?
  4. What do you fear about leaving a bad job or a bad relationship?
  5. What do you believe is possible for you?
  6. What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
  7. What is the thing that you are second most proud of?
  8. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
  9. How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better?
  10. If you could have one single wish granted, what would it be?
  11. How comfortable are you with your own mortality?
  12. What is your highest core value?
  13. To your best knowledge, how do other people perceive you?
  14. How would you like others to perceive you?
  15. How confident are you in your abilities to make decisions for yourself?
  16. What is your biggest self-limiting belief?
  17. Who is the most important person in your life?
  18. Who is your greatest role model?
  19. Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with?
  20. What is something that is true for you no matter what?
  21. What is your moral compass in making difficult decisions?
  22. What is one failure that you have turned into your greatest lesson?
  23. What role does gratitude play in your life?
  24. How do you feel about your parents?
  25. How is your relationship with money?
  26. How do you feel about growing old someday?
  27. What role has formal education played in your life and how do you feel about it?
  28. Do you believe your destiny is pre-determined or in your hands to shape however you wish?
  29. What do you believe is the meaning of your life?

No matter what your age, or stage in life, I think that these questions are interesting and vital and an excellent pathway to better understand yourself and what is meaningful and vital to you. Pick just one question and play with it today. Maybe journal about it. Be curious about yourself. You might be surprised by the answers that float to the surface. You might even learn something new and interesting about yourself. You might even fall just a little bit in love with yourself. Knowing yourself intimately makes the loving yourself thing, a whole lot easier.

70+ Self Love Quotes | Self Love Captions For Instagram - Succedict
46 Love Yourself Quotes To Carry You Through Tough Times

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Get Out of the Way

I love this video! Imagine loving to eat anything that much. Did you run that fast to the coffee maker this morning? I came close. Who knew that meal worms could be that motivating? What’s your meal worm? What motivates you so much that a whole flock of showy flamingoes would knowingly step out of your way, as you zoom towards your prize? Knowing your motivators is a superpower. Knowing what motivates you, is what will help you to propel towards your goals. Usually we have at least a vague sense of our goals, but a lot of times we don’t reach our goals because we go at them the wrong way. We don’t take steps that motivate us, and we lose interest quickly. A great way to figure out what motivates you is to think of times that you felt the most proud of yourself, and/or the most fulfilled in your life. List those times. Look for commonalities. Things that compel you to take action, are things that motivate you. You are motivated to take action towards the things in life that you are doing or would do for free (even if you are paid to do it).

Another trick to figure out what motivates you is noticing what you think about when you wake up every morning. What excites you about your day? What are you eager to get to? What do you find yourself talking about frequently? These things are your interests and your passions. These things are the rewards that will motivate you to take action. Perhaps honestly reflecting on your passions and motivators, may help you to shape, and even to reshape your goals in life. Remember, Fabio loves mealworms. I don’t love mealworms. They aren’t my motivator. Mealworms are kind of gross to me, actually. I’m betting that you don’t love mealworms either. They aren’t your motivator, at all. And that’s okay. Variety is the spice of life.

I love writing this daily blog. I don’t get paid to do it, but I would be so lost without it. I think about writing first thing when I get up in the morning. I think about my blog throughout my day. I think about things to write about in the shower, and when I am getting ready, and when I am walking around, doing my chores, etc. I question every event in my life, with the frame of: Would this be a good topic to write about? Quite possibly I would actually do the Fabio speed-paddle to my computer every morning, if I had to, just to fire up WordPress. Writing is one of my mealworms. It’s a delicious, juicy, nourishing, personal made-for-me mealworm, that I would have a hard time living without.

A friend of ours is going to be retiring in the next year or so. Interestingly, some of the things that he wants to do in retirement, are a few nights a month of bartending, and also, being a tour guide in a local aerospace museum. I thought to myself, “Wow, our friend is a very social guy. He obviously likes the idea of being with big crowds of strangers. He probably likes the idea of meeting new and different people all of the time. These are the types of activities that excite him and energize him. Being in social situations and crowds is a huge motivator to him, obviously.” Now, neither of those activities appeal to me at all, but it delights me that our friend knows himself, and he knows what he wants to do. I find other people exploring, and then knowing, and then doing their own unique passions, so inspiring and interesting. I don’t want Fabio’s mealworms, but I am vicariously thrilled with his passion for his mealworms. What are your mealworms? It’s a great thing to meditate on this weekend. You might surprise yourself. Feel free to share your mealworms in my Comments section. It might inspire a few of us flamingoes to try something new. It might remind us flamingoes, that we can fly.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Wide Open Sea

Yesterday, a good friend of mine from college announced that she was taking an early retirement from a career that she has had since we graduated from college almost 30 years ago. I am so excited for her, and I am also extremely curious to see what she ends up doing next. I think that this new stage of life, this second half of adulting, sometimes feels a little rudderless. The options are starting to open up more and more, and that feels exciting, yet daunting, and sometimes overwhelming, all at the same time. For a long time, I was sailing along in the narrow channel of raising a family, while my husband built his career and supported our family, and now, I am seeing this wide open seascape at the end of the channel. It’s thrilling, but my compass is doing that wild shaking and moving that happens sometimes with compasses. It hasn’t quite settled down yet. I am eager to watch the other ships who have travelled the narrow channel with me, enter into the big, blue sea. I am curious as to where their new travels will take them, as the confines of the structural shores, slowly fade away. I want to be inspired by the other captains’ ideas and visions. I want a new destination point. I don’t like feeling rudderless.

This is a time period in our lives where “the lulls” are starting to be broken. Our kids are growing up and moving out. Our priorities are starting to shift, sometimes rapidly. We’re getting signals by watching the changes in other people’s lives that remind us that we don’t have to keep doing things the way which we have been doing them. There is no “one size fits all” formula to live life, and that seems more acutely evident now, than it ever has before. Two others of my closest friends from college become official empty nesters this year. By summer, all of their children will have graduated from high school and moved on towards their own adult lives. I am only one year away from this phenomenon myself. Wow.

I am guessing that in this next stage of my life, I will be doing a lot of loop de loops. There is a great deal more space in wide open sea, to change directions, and to stop and to explore small islands of curiosity. There is more space for error in wide open territory. Of course, the weather can get turbulent. There may be less “protection” from the winds of change, that my narrow channel afforded. Still, I am ready for the adventure. Anticipation is a delicious part of life. Anticipation of the unknown is one of the biggest thrills in life, if you can get past the fear.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. - Douglas MacArthur

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Paved Paradise

Beautiful Flowers - Picture of Rotary Botanical Gardens ...

We have a little narrow flower bed in our back yard that is sort of a hodge podge of plants that didn’t do well in the front of our house, or in other more notable flower beds and planters around our house. We plant these failing, limp little greenies in this back bed, by a small lake, in hopes that they get revived. We got the idea from our local Home Depot store. They have a flower bed in an otherwise hot and cracked and ugly parking lot, that is filled with plants that didn’t sell. And honestly, both of these flower beds are among the prettiest groupings of plants and flowers that I have ever seen, other than in fanciful, public, well-tended botanical gardens. The flowers in our back bed and in the Home Depot leftovers bed, thrive and bloom and burst with all different colors and shapes and sizes. They aren’t particularly planned out arrangements, but the mixture of all of them, reaching to the sky and showing off their blooms and green finery, is stunning. The plants scream “I’m Happy!” Invariably, the plants and flowers which we put into our back bed, thrive better than any other plants that we care for, inside and outside of our home.

It struck me the other day, that through this whole coronavirus situation, a lot of us have been thrown to “the back beds” of our lives. But the interesting thing is, I would be willing to bet that we all have gotten a few “happy surprises” and insights about ourselves and our lives. We might find that there are some aspects of being in the back bed that have really helped us to truly thrive, maybe even in some ways, better than ever. In my own family, my husband has worked from our home, instead of an outside office, for the first time in his thirty years of working on his career. And he likes it. My mentees have mentioned that online learning works better for them and they feel like they are learning more, without distractions. Friends and family have all noted that the less rushed pace and the no longer filled up calendar pages, have really helped with catching up on much needed rest and contemplation. We all seem to hope to keep more open space in our lives, even after this virus situation corrects itself. I have found myself rediscovering some very comforting corners of my own house, with pretty views that I never took the time to notice before. My husband and I are in the beginning stages of contemplation of what and where our empty nest should look like, once our daughter goes to college in a couple of years, and this virus situation has really helped narrow the field. Despite sometimes being intrigued to try city living (we’ve always been suburbanites), we realized, through this situation, that it is an abundance of nature which really soothes our souls. A big city is no longer a draw for us, in retirement. In fact, we’ve even been tossing around the idea of a more rural way of life.

Most of the plants which we attempt to heal and to revive, in our back flower bed, come back with a flourish. Sometimes we do end up re-planting the renewed bloomers back in other parts of our yard, but many of the once withering plants, end up staying in place, in the back bed by the lake where they were restored. They stay where they were healed. They bloom where they are planted. And their beautiful rejuvenation is a glorious sight to behold!