problems Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Common Denominator

Months ago, I tripped on the sidewalk and my cell phone went flying through the air, and landed hard, real hard, on the pavement. When I picked it up, I was relieved to see that the screen was fine. I have a good case on my phone. Sadly though, when I turned the phone around, I noticed that the back of it had the “crackle” look. The back of the phone had been shattered.

Still, I was delighted to notice that my phone still worked, despite its new shattered look, and I figured that as long as it stayed in the case, my cell phone would be fine. No harm, no foul. Now, the truth is, we carry insurance on our cell phones, and for a nominal fee, I could have my cell phone replaced. But, honestly, I dreaded the experience of having a new phone sent out, having to figure out how to transfer everything, and I lived in fear of losing everything on my phone, despite backing it up regularly. So, I deluded myself that I was just taking a long time to consider whether I should just upgrade to a newer version of my phone or to get the insurance replacement, and then, I essentially just put it out of my mind.

Lately however, when I have been talking on the phone, I noticed that people were going in and out, and I was missing every 10th word or so. Usually, I blamed this on the other party. “You’re in a bad spot. You’re mumbling. Your bluetooth isn’t working,” I would grumble to others when I was talking to them. Sometimes, I would blame myself . . . .for being in a dead spot or having clogged ears. Finally (this took a long while, as I’m a stubborn old coot), I came to terms that I was the common denominator in this situation. It was my phone that was not working correctly. So, even with that realization, I still waited for several weeks more, telling myself that the old “turn off/on” trick would probably work. It didn’t. Many times that trick did not work.

So yesterday, I finally filed an easy, quick claim, and my insurance company sent someone out, on the very same day to bring me a new phone and to set it up, free of charge. Voila! It was that simple. And I still have all of my data, pictures, contacts, texts, etc. on my new phone.

This made me reflect on a good little lesson about life. If we have an ongoing problem in our lives with other people, institutions, etc., it is often helpful to open ourselves up to some real truthful self-awareness. If we feel that we are the poor victims in every single situation in our lives, guess what? That all gets whittled down to one common denominator – us, the poor, lowly victims. Can you imagine?!? In every single situation in our lives, we innocents feel totally wronged and victimized. In my cell phone situation, it was my belief that everyone else’s phone wasn’t working correctly, until I faced that I was the common denominator in this situation. It was my phone that wasn’t working. When I finally accepted that this situation was actually my problem, I had the insight and the power and the ability and the mojo, to finally do something about it.

Look for patterns of the gripes and problems in your own life. There are areas in our lives where we all have valid gripes. There are areas in our lives where our hands our totally tied. But they aren’t as many as we think. If you find yourself, having the same gripes and the same problems with many different sources, be honest with yourself – you are the common denominator. And once you do this, you have empowered yourself. You are no longer a victim. You can work on changes needed, in order to change the detrimental situations that you find yourself in regularly.

This is not a lesson is shame. Shame is what keeps us from telling the truth to ourselves. Shame is painful. To get beyond pain, we need to be compassionate with ourselves, as we open up to the truth about things. When we forgive ourselves for the parts which we play in our own problems, we then move on to the healthy path of direction, improvement and empowerment. We all make mistakes. We all get caught up in negative patterns. (some of these patterns have started as early as childhood) But we all, also, have the gift of reason and insight, to help us to get on to better paths.

Get detached from your ego, and look at patterns in your own life that you wish to change. Get real with yourself about the part that you play in these patterns, and try something new. This is how positive change happens in our lives. This exercise is what opens our lives to new possibilities and ways of feeling. And empowerment feels a hell of a lot better than embitterment and hopelessness.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2004. What makes you stand out in a crowd?

I Could Never

What I am writing about today, has nothing to do with the above quote. I just really liked the quote because I adore books. This one tickled me, too:

But here’s what is really on my mind today:

“I could never handle that . . . . I could never go through that.”

Yes, you could because you don’t have a choice. You would handle it. You would go through it. You would do your best and you would survive and maybe even thrive.

I remember having a friend who had twins shortly after having her first child. She said that people always told her that they could never handle her situation and she would laugh and then she would always answer them the same way, “Yes, you could, because you must.”

We always think that we couldn’t handle other people’s problems and difficult situations, because we are attached to our own problems. There is a parable that talks about throwing everybody’s problems into one big pile, and then the Universe telling us to go back to the pile and pick the same number of difficulties to take back, to deal with in our daily lives. It is said that we would be amazed by how quickly we would all run towards the pile, and take our own problems back. We know and understand our own problems. We are intimate with our own troubles. Sometimes we are even attached to them.

Dealing with, and grappling with my son’s epilepsy is probably the most difficult thing which I have ever dealt with in my life. People tell me the, “I could never handle that . . . ” line, all of the time. I know that this is their kind way to try to show sympathy and support and to compliment me on my “strength”. But I always answer it the same way that my friend with twins does, “Yes, you could, because you don’t have any other choice. You would do your best.”

I would rather not have to prove my strength through my problems. Wouldn’t we all? But that’s just not life. I have never met an adult person who has never had any problems or worries. Still, the blessings that come from our complications, are the reminders to ourselves, that we do have it in us, to manage and to cope and to persevere and to often overcome and triumph over the hardships in our lives. We can reflect on the many times that we have muddled through the tough times in our lives and made it through to the other side, maybe not perfectly intact, and probably not exactly in the same form that we started out in, but maybe that was the purpose for the problem, in the first place? Growth is hard but necessary. Growth from our adversities usually brings us to a whole new level of understanding and faith and compassion and respect for the sheer awesomeness and yet fragility of our own living experience.

“I could never, ever go through a world-wide pandemic and have to deal with all of the fears, and uncertainties, and grief, and ugliness, and pain, and difficult decision making that would come from that kind of a situation.”

“Yes, you could. You are in the middle of doing it. And you are doing great. And you have proved to yourself just how incredibly strong and vital and capable and resilient you really are, when it comes to having to go through really tough situations. And you will have this serene wisdom about yourself, to fall back on for the rest of your life. This wisdom will help to sustain you, during any calamity that comes your way. There is a hidden blessing in every curse.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Throwback Thursday (if you still feel like reading, these are links to previous, popular posts of mine). This particular post was actually published:

Awkward Stage

Mt. 2020

340 Best AA quotes images | Aa quotes, Quotes, Recovery quotes

Happy Labor Day. This is the right way to do a Monday, isn’t it? My family just woke up, fully rested and restored. The morning is bright and still and quiet and calm. I saw this meme the other day and I thought to myself, that is exactly what we are doing here in 2020. We have been assigned a whole range of seemingly insurmountable mountain tops. We have reached peaks of anger and frustration, and pinnacles of rage, in so many facets of our society. But on this day that reminds us about just how much we can achieve when we labor together, we realize that we are the chosen people, to move these mountains of fear, and pain, and shame, and anger, and inequalities, and sickness, to the side, in order to clear a path for all of us, to walk into a brighter tomorrow. We are the chosen people of 2020. We know this, because we are here. We are being trusted to move the mountains. Someone knows that we are strong enough, yet have malleable hearts and open, bright minds, in order to see beyond the terrifying heights, to the beautiful valleys that stretch beyond the rocky mountain ranges. As long as we all remember to see it as our sacred task and duty, for all of us to labor against the problems, instead of “us against each other”, we will make it. We will move mountains in 2020. We are the chosen people. It is time we start acting like it.