Tag: nicole lepera

Formula For Peace

“Expecting to be happy all the time is a root cause of much unhappiness.” – Dr. Nicole LePera

Expectations will always getcha, right? A wise person once told me to “never ‘should’ on yourself.” I think that this tweet by Dr. LePera is particularly apropos during the holidays. There is such an expectation to be “merry and bright” all of the time, and so, if you aren’t feeling this way, it makes you feel even more down and inadequate. Or sometimes you feel like it is your responsibility to make your loved ones’ holiday happiness come true, and this is not even possible. We can add to people’s happiness with kindness, but everyone’s own feelings are their own unique responsibility and capability.

If you take a moment to really become self-aware, you’ll notice that your feelings are often quite fleeting. If you stop right now, and think to yourself, “What am I feeling?” even if you think that the answer is “feeling nothing” or “feeling blank” or “feeling peaceful”, notice this. This “absence of feeling” is a feeling, too. What does “feeling nothing” feel like in your body? Does anything hurt? What is your breathing like? Now think a thought of something that makes you angry. Where does the feeling of anger creep up in your body? What are the bodily sensations of anger? Now think of something that makes you feel sad. Notice these sensations. Now realize how many different feelings and emotions, and the sensations that come with these feelings, have happened to you, in your body, in probably less than a minute. Don’t be stingy with yourself. Think of people, or things, or events, that make you feel happy, or filled with excited anticipation, and notice the sensations that come with these thoughts, too.

Feelings cycle throughout our being, all day long. Certain feelings can seem more passionate or dominant or stubbornly set, depending on the day, and our perceptions of what happened during the day, but if we get really curious about ourselves, we will notice the constant subtle shifting of our feelings throughout the day. Sometimes feelings occur because we are hungry, or physically ill or hurt, and we then use our minds to start making up stories about these physical sensations, in order to justify them, which only adds to the storm of emotion. If we just take a little time to notice and to accept our feelings as they come, we will see how easily they pass on through.

Just for today, be in detached acceptance of yourself and however you feel. Check in with yourself on the hour, and see if you can name and describe what feelings you are experiencing at that time of the day. Describe to yourself what the feeling’s sensations are in your body. Notice if any thoughts or states of being (hungry, sick, tired etc.) are adding some intensity to your emotional state. Just for today, be okay and content with yourself, in whatever emotional state you are in, and extend this courtesy to the other people whom you encounter throughout the day. Be an unpressured, detached observer. Don’t try to change yourself, and don’t try to change anyone else. Drop all of your expectations. Interestingly, by doing this, you may very well start experiencing the feelings of a deep, lasting, calming peace. Peace and contentment are some of the most comfortable feelings in the world to experience. By cutting yourself a break, and also letting go of trying to control others and their feelings, you may give yourself the gift of feeling “peace and contentment” more than you have felt these feelings in a long time. And isn’t “peace” what we universally wish for everyone whom we know and love, no matter what their outside circumstances may be? I know that we’ve gotten quite a few holiday cards offering us wishes of peace. Peace seems to be a universal desire for everyone. The answer to our own peace lies inside each one of us, and it is always available for the taking, ironically by just letting go.

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

“Feelings are something you have; not something you are.” – Shannon L. Alder

“But feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” – Anne Frank

“Emotion can be the enemy, if you give into your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions, because the body always follows the mind.” – Bruce Lee

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Understanding

Few people talk about the grief that comes after ending toxic relationships. Intellectually, we know it’s for the best, but we also have suffered a deep loss many don’t understand. – Dr. Nicole LePera

This was an interesting tweet by Dr. LePera that got a lot of responses of relatability. One response was so interesting that I had to put it into one of my inspirational notebooks: “Sometimes the head takes the elevator, while the heart takes the stairs.” (@sparkleandcocoa)

Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Just like people, many relationships have their good, healthy aspects and then their not-so-healthy characteristics. Some people can have healthy, loving, mutually satisfying relationships with people whom other people find to be completely toxic. Some people make excellent mentors or teachers or siblings, or leaders, but not so good spouses, parents, or friends, and vice versa. Some people are one person’s dream partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor, etc. and at very same time can be another person’s nightmare partner/parent/friend/relative/neighbor. It’s all relative and complicated and based on individuals’ temperaments, personalities, needs, beliefs, passions and tolerances, and how well these elements match to one another.

The loss of any relationship whether it’s due to death, or to a choice, has to be processed and grieved. Nothing is black and white. Most relationships have at least some good aspects to them. If relationships were purely toxic, they wouldn’t have likely come into fruition in the first place. When you grieve a relationship, you not only grieve “what was”, but also “what could have been.” Endings indicate a need to process “what was”. “What could be” is no longer in the cards.

I always call grief the loneliest emotion, because even if two people are grieving the same person, or the same experience, everyone has to do grief in their own way, and in their own time. No one grieves in the same manner. Usually the same loss means a different kind of loss for each individual in a relationship. What is universal however, is that never is there a more important time in the world for gentleness and kindness and understanding and empathy, then when someone is grieving.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.