When our four kids were little and I would start to complain about everything that had to be done, especially around busy times like the holidays, my husband would say to me, “I’m happy to help. Just give me a to-do list.” My husband was always extremely helpful. His generation was the beginning of the generations of dads who are “all in” – changing diapers, carrying around the diaper bag, taking turns waking up with the kids in the middle of the night. Still, it was me who was the one dedicated to coming up with “the plan/to-do list/what needs to be done”. My exhaustion was never from doing the tasks of raising kids. It was more of a mental exhaustion. “How’s this all going to work?” “How are we going to get everyone to where they need to be and then pick them up on time?” “What should we make for dinner (every single night)?” “How do we handle each child’s individual crises, triumphs and challenges?”
This holiday season is so delightful because we have several “adult heads” taking the wheel. These young adult brains are great, not only at executing plans, but strategically thinking the plans up, too. They have energy, foresight and enough experience now, to know what will work, and what won’t work for our big clan. Sometimes I have even been handed “to do” tasks and this suits me just fine. It is really relaxing to not always have to be the lead dog. Every stage of raising a family is different. But each stage is absolutely wonderful in its own way. Raising a family is the most interesting, challenging, satisfying, humbling, self-discovering experience of my lifetime.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
This provoking Tweet took up a lot of my thoughts yesterday. Looking at its stats, it really hit home for a lot of people. I read a lot of the comments underneath the tweet. The author of the tweet is a black woman, and a lot of the people who commented, said that they were tired of “struggle” being the “badge of honor” for people of color. Many commenters said that they are tired of “strong” being the trait that overshadows everything else that any individual mother is, both in the lives of her children, and also in her own life.
I texted the tweet to some of my close friends. It resonated with them, too. One of my friends is a single mom, and she has been the primary parent for her two sons, for many years now. She noted that she tried hard to show her boys that not only was she strong and resilient, but that she is also responsible for her own happiness. Honestly, this friend of mine goes at life with a gusto. I am sure that her boys would describe her as “so strong”, and yet also happy and full of life. I admitted to my friends, that in reflecting back on being a young mother of four children, I think that I was “hit or miss” in regards to what this text is saying. I was happy raising my family, and we had a lot of fun and love, but I can’t say that I did a great job with “peaceful” all of the time. I worried too much. I took a lot of things too seriously. I tried to control people and experiences outside of myself, way too many times. Another friend agreed with me, that she also worried too much. We both lamented the fact that we sometimes let worry affect our moods too much, and that impacted our families. My friend said that she is now focusing on being that happy, peaceful grandma, filled with fun and love, to her beautiful granddaughter. I thought to myself, “Oh yes, I am going to do that, too. I will be the same way. I will be that wonderful, peaceful, fun-loving grandmother.” And then it struck me, the fact that I said that I also plan to be “that happy, peaceful” grandmother, denotes that there really is a choice involved. Happiness, peacefulness, and resiliency are states that we can choose to strive for, and to achieve, if we make them our highest priority.
Years ago, a friend was telling me about an argument that she had with her mother. Her mother was annoyed that my friend wasn’t doing more for her husband. Her mother claimed that her own generation did a lot more for their husbands, than our generation does for ours. In a fit of anger, my friend snapped back, “Well, maybe that’s because we don’t want to become angry, bitter, resentful, brittle older women, like so many women in the generations who came before us.”
Whether we want to admit this or not, our mood states effect, and are noticed by everybody, and everything around us. Our loved ones, the people who we claim to care about the most in this world, live in the vicinity of our own personal energy, more than anyone else. They absorb, and/or are repelled by the energy which we are constantly “putting out there.” In that sense, if we want to uplift our families, our friends, our communities and the world, we need to find ways to uplift ourselves. It’s our responsibility. Some may say this is our highest responsibility.
Anthony DeMello’s writings are some of my favorites out of all modern philosophy. He says this:
“If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole Earth.”
And this:
“Live your life as you see fit. That’s not selfish. Selfish is to demand that others liveas you see fit.”
And this:
“The reason you suffer from your depression and your anxieties is that you identify with them.
You say, “I’m depressed.” But that is false. You are not your depression.
If you want to be accurate, you might say, “I am experiencing a depression right now.” But you can hardly say, “I am depressed.”
That is but a strange kind of trick of the mind, a strange kind of illusion. You have deluded yourself into thinking—though you are not aware of it—that you are your depression, that you are your anxiety, that you are your the delights and the thrills that you have. “I am delighted!”
You certainly are not delighted. Delight may be your experience right now, but just wait, it will change; it won’t last: it never lasts; it keeps changing. . . . .
It never strikes us that things don’t need to be fixed. They just need to be brought into awareness so they can be understood.”
And finally this:
“May the peace of God disturb you always.”
Peacefulness lies deep within each of us, and we will find it, if we are willing to let go of the idea that we have to find peace in the circumstances outside of ourselves. Many people commented on the above tweet, stating that their mothers were strong and capable and resilient, and yet also, kind and loving and peaceful. Being strong doesn’t have to be synonymous with being miserable and full of struggle. What we model for our children and for our grandchildren, teaches volumes to them, more than anything that we say. By giving ourselves the intrinsic right to peacefulness, and happiness, and joy, no matter what our present circumstances are, we are showing our children that they can have the same. And when we are resting in our deepest inner peace, we are able to handle our struggles with grace and courage and strength, no matter what comes our way.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
