masks Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Vulnerability Hangovers

I have a slight hangover today. And no, I didn’t drink too much last night. It has more to do with what I chose to write about on the blog yesterday. Brene Brown coined the term “vulnerability hangover” to describe feelings of shame, anxiety, exposure, self-doubt after being open and intimate about our true feelings, or about life situations which we have kept previously private and mostly to ourselves. We all walk that line of what we feel comfortable exposing about ourselves and our lives, and what we don’t. And sometimes, we tiptoe off of the line, or sometimes we even take a surprising leap (even surprising to ourselves) off of that line, and then we are stuck with the muddled feelings of relief yet regret, depletion, embarrassment, and ambiguity. These feelings are sometimes called “hangxiety” and they mimic the feelings that can occur in our bodies after a night of partying too much, with concerns that we’ve humiliated ourselves in the worst possible way.

I don’t have regrets about what I revealed yesterday about being estranged with family members. Authenticity is really important to me. I don’t care to create false images. I believe that a lot of unhealthiness in our society is related to image-consciousness, putting too much focus on what others think about us. (hint- they don’t really think much about us at all) This image-consciousness keeps a lot of things that need to be addressed, instead hidden, avoided and pushed under the rug. But, when you put the “tough stuff” out there, you sometimes feel weirdly naked and vulnerable and exposed. You allow yourself to be judged. You put your “humanity” out there, and then the image-consciousness bit in all of us, feels defensive and threatened and wants us to dive back into our safe, snug holes. We dread the idea that our Pandora’s box isn’t able to be closed again.

I was so grateful for those of you who commented on the blog yesterday. I know that this takes courage. Your comments took some of my own “hangxiety” away. Thank you. Many times friends and family will text me individually about one of my blog posts. They don’t feel comfortable commenting on my public blog space. It’s okay. I respect, and I understand this.

Interestingly, yesterday’s blog was one of the most read blog posts I have written in a long time. When we have the courage to “put ourselves out there”, we give others the permission to do the same, and barriers come down. Compassion and validation and community takes the shining, natural place of the individual masks which we all like wear.

My daughter is currently in a position where she is helping girls through the experience of rushing sororities at her huge southern university. Rushing sororities can be a very grueling, intimidating, and humiliating process. In its best light, the Greek system is meant to help people quickly find a group of friends with similar values and interests, and to create an instant social life and helpful network, for those who find themselves on huge campuses with mostly strangers. In its worst light, the university Greek system is full of judgment, cattiness, and based on first surface-level impressions without having the time to get to know a person in their “wholeness.” It’s really brave for a young person to put themselves out there in this way. I imagine most of these young ladies go through vulnerability hangovers throughout the entire process. My heart aches for their needless self-recriminations and fears. I want to hug them all.

I vividly remember once being in a group therapy situation, where I was describing a situation that had happened, in more of a logical, factual, clinical, flat-toned kind of way. “How did that make you feel?” the facilitator asked me. I answered him with more logical, sensical, matter-of-fact words, as if the situation was casual and had happened to someone else. “But, aren’t you angry?” he asked me pointedly, staring me down. “Of course I’m angry!! Why shouldn’t I be angry?!? This was wrong! It hurt! I didn’t deserve it!!” I blurted out emotionally, and loudly and full of tremorous rage. My explosion seemed to bring the room to a hush. Even I was surprised by my outburst. I had such a vulnerability hangover after that situation, I remember going to McDonalds right after the meeting and binging on chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers.

I write this blog for me. I love to write. Writing is my favorite creative outlet. It is my favorite path back to me. But I also pray that this blog helps people. I pray that things that I have gone through in my own life and my experiences that have I learned from (in good ways and bad), as “a mother,a daughter,a wife,a friend,a writer,a woman,a sister,a niece,a dog-lover, and mostly just another human being” can be a source of comfort and guidance and validation for others. We when share our passions and our ideas and our talents and our vulnerable hearts with others, that’s when we realize how connected everything really is on this Earth. When we share of ourselves, that’s when we realize that we truly are not alone. We all have the ability to be someone else’s “angel on Earth”, and also the beneficiary from “angels on Earth” from time to time. The system is designed that way, if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and true and open and to surrender to our own deepest wisdom.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2036. What’s in your perfect trail mix?

Riding A Bike at Target

I am hesitant to put this out there, because the “mask situation” has been a controversy for what feels like most of the pandemic, but I am going to take a chance. My readers know my heart. I walked around Target for two hours yesterday and I wasn’t wearing a mask. I didn’t really even need to buy anything (but of course I ended up with a cart full of stuff, anyway). The experience was delightful!

My family and I have been fully vaccinated for about a month now. Our governor has lifted all mask regulations. Target has lifted their mask regulations. So, like a kid, wobbling around on a bike, when first learning how to ride it, I wobbled around with my big red cart, with a huge smile on my face, to anyone who would meet my eyes. It was kind of like learning to ride a bike all over again. It all comes back to you. I promise you, it does.

I thought to myself, in some weird way, maybe this is sort of a gift, which has come from this awful pandemic. Getting to experience things, like it was the first time all over again, is kind of thrilling. I had forgotten how much I liked to shop in Target. I had forgotten how much fun it is to leisurely amble around a store, without actually having anything really to shop for, instead of zipping around the store as quickly as possible, like I’m a super-crazy-competitive contestant on Supermarket Sweep. Yesterday, I didn’t dodge others like they were poison incarnate. And they didn’t dart away, in fear, from me, either.

I would say that only about half of us in the store (shoppers and employees) were maskless, but that’s okay, everyone learns (or re-learns) to ride a bike, in their own time. When I was checking out my purchases, my clerk, looked at me in the eyes, smiled and said, “Wow, it’s so nice to see people buying lipstick again.”

23++ Inspirational Quotes About Living Abroad - Best Quote HD

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

We all know that change is the only constant, but change usually does come in quite subtly, doesn’t it? The few, shocking, sometimes devastating, “change your life in a moment” times, are thankfully pretty rare, but at least those changes are obvious.

We just made the last payment of our second son’s undergraduate college education. He graduates from college this April. Two down, two to go. It’s surreal, reflecting on that fact. There is a long period of time when your kids are in their elementary school/middle school ages, that you think that things are never going to change. Each year seems mostly “the same old/same old”, until your first child goes to high school. From then on, the changes go into warp speed. (Interestingly, the changes in my face and my body, seemed to have gone into warp speed, at the same time that my kids started into their high school and college years. Everything is interconnected, right? It’s so not fair.)

We’ve all gotten a hard lesson in change this past year, haven’t we? A lot of these changes have more of the “in your face” variety. (you remember your face, right? It’s that part of your body which spends a lot of its waking hours underneath a mask.) What have these past year’s changes, changed in you? What have you learned about yourself this past year? What has changed for the better? What has changed for the worse? What changes would you like to see in yourself and in the world, going forward? These are the questions which I am pondering for myself, lately.

Image result for best quotes about change

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Game

Sometimes, when I am bored, I think of crazy scenarios in my head, and then I tell myself, “Someone has done, or will do, exactly the insane storyline that I have playing in my head,” and then I crack myself up. It’s like my own little sit-com, playing in my brain. So when I saw this meme this morning, I giggled to myself, realizing that I am not alone in my fun little game. But then I thought, someone else is thinking, “Someone out there is weird enough to think of crazy things which people could do, and then thinking that someone probably has already done the said crazy antic.” Remember, I write this blog from Florida, home of “Florida Man.” Nothing is too crazy for Florida Man.

What She Said

Here are some interesting quotes of the week:

“Please scream inside your heart.” – As advised at a Japanese theme park, so people wouldn’t scream out loud which would make it easier for the coronavirus to infect other people

I thought to myself, “Who hasn’t screamed inside of their heart, at least once, throughout this pandemic?!?” I have managed to scream inside of my heart and outside of my heart, on more than a few occasions, during this event-filled year. And I haven’t ridden on one physical roller coaster this entire year, but I have ridden on plenty of “proverbial roller coasters” throughout this pandemic. This has been one hell of a roller coaster year, so far, hasn’t it? I just hope that we are already past the major highs and lows, and are we coming to calmer, slower part of the ride, in order to get us safely back to the station. But who knows? Keep your seat belts fastened.

“We Ride Together. We Die Together. Bad Marriage For Life”. —- Will & Jada Smith, a joint quote they put out, after publicly explaining Jada’s relationship with another man, during a rough patch in their long marriage

Hmmm. I think sometimes people assume that all long marriages are happy marriages. Sadly, I think there are quite a few people who have committed to “Bad Marriage for Life.” Like all things in life, if you are going to commit to it, shouldn’t the goal be to commit to something good? As the wise Maya Angelou once said, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

And finally this:

I saw this sign posted on Twitter. Locally, I have seen signs posted in stores, that more so just plead with their patrons, “Please be Kind. Wear a mask.” Why do we have to beg each other to care about each other? It’s not an argument worth getting into, though. On our local Nextdoor social media, I have noticed that the longest thread, with the most messages, is a back and forth argument between the adamant Masks vs. No Masks camps. And all of that fruitless energy, could be much better spent towards personal peace and boosting our own individual immune systems, which is really the best shield against this scourge. I think that quote below says it best. Simple, but not easy. Below is an evolving process that lasts a lifetime, it seems:

40 Quotes for Coping with Things You Can't Control

My Ninja Mask

“It’s not the strongest species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the most responsive to change.” – Charles Darwin

If ever there was a year to see how adaptable we are, 2020 would be it. The first time I saw a child in the grocery store with a mask on, my stomach lurched and my heart filled with sadness. My youngest son recently commented on the same fact. Seeing children wearing masks brings a visceral reaction for a lot of us. Of course, our precious children need to be protected. Wearing masks is smart, considerate and often required. Interestingly, my eight-year-old mentee loves her “camo” mask. She told me that it matches a lot of her clothes and she feels like a ninja. I would call that being responsive to change.

Maybe if some of the rest of us adults could change the fear, anger, righteousness, embarrassment, frustration, and sadness that we often attach to the masks, to instead, a chance to bring out our own “inner ninjas”, our survival rates would go up and our contagion levels would go way down. I imagine that flexible, agile ninjas are the epitome of healthy immune systems. It’s a lot more fun to go about our daily chores with a stealthy ninja spirit, than a spirit filled with fear, defiance, resentment and defeatedness. Ninja energy seems to be a lot more vital and mysterious and sly, than already attaching sickness, pain and outrage, to what is nothing more than a piece of cloth and some string.

The Masked Man

I don’t enjoy wearing the masks. They are uncomfortable, hot and they make me feel unfriendly. My son who lives in New Jersey, said that he saw a woman in the grocery store wearing a mask with slits cut out under her nose and her mouth. It kind of defeats the purpose, right? Still, I empathized with her. Once again, I’m in total awe of all of our essential workers, who wear the masks hours and hours, on end. The following post went viral in my local Nextdoor neighborhood social media. The person who posted it, said that she did not write it, nor did she know who to attribute it to, but I’m glad that she posted it anyway. It hits home.

“I wear a mask in public, NOT for me, but for YOU. I want you to know that I am educated enough to know that I could be asymptomatic and still give you the virus. No, I don’t “live in fear” of the virus, I just want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. I don’t feel like the “government is controlling me,” I feel like I’m being a contributing adult to society, and I want to teach others the same. The world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s not all about me and my comfort. If we all could live with other people’s consideration in mind, this whole world would be a much better place. Wearing a mask doesn’t make me weak, scared, stupid or even “controlled,” it makes me considerate. When you think about how you look, or how uncomfortable it is or what others think of you, just imagine someone close to you, a father, a mother, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle choking on a ventilator. Then ask yourself if you could have worn a mask to prevent their suffering would you have?”

I love the idea of being “considerate”. I love the idea of being “part of the solution.” We are like one worldwide team trying to conquer this horrible virus. It’s good to be reminded that we are all on the same team.