Tag: listening skills

Captive Audience

The Wise Connector posted this on Twitter as a friendly reminder.

We have relatively new neighbors who love to talk about themselves. They love to talk about the trips they were on, their kids, their grandkids, the services they’ve hired, etc. In short, they love to talk about themselves. They have never once asked me a question about anything going on in my life. If I interject something not pertaining to them, they quickly boomerang the conversation back to what they want to tell me. Sometimes I wonder if they even know my name. I think that I’ve noticed that they also seem a little miffed, and wonder why I avoid them like the plague, shutting my garage door before I am even out of my car.

Sometimes people treat good, engaged listeners as “captive audiences”. Remember that the reason why good listeners are good listeners is that they are kind, compassionate, considerate, interested, and engaged. Good listeners notice nuances, and hear things, and remember facts that most people do not. That’s what makes them so unusual and desirable in today’s world. It is also the reason why good listeners, in particular, notice when you are not listening. Think about the best listeners in your life. Let yourself be their “captive audience” for a change. Don’t assume you are as interesting as you think that you are, and that their “quietness” makes them boring. Really listening to your good listener, will make a world of difference to them, and it will ensure that they will always be around to “hear” you. You will miss your good listener. Good listeners are extraordinarily rare gems in today’s world.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Listen Up

I don’t remember the exact quote, but on Twitter the other day, someone tweeted something along these lines:

“The problem with being a good listener is that people don’t know when to STFU.”

There were many, many likes to this statement. I, myself, am just an average listener. It is something that I have had to work on over the years. I have a tendency to get excited and to interrupt. That being said, I’ve always tried to be cognizant of not holding people as my captive audiences. Nobody wants to be talked AT. People want you to show genuine, reciprocal interest in their lives, as well.

People who are really good listeners are probably among the most used and abused people in this world. They are so rare, that once we have one in our realm, we all tend to assume that they like being our sounding boards, and we lap up their rapt attention to our own showboating. Recently, I’ve been trying to engage the best listeners in my own life, to talk more about themselves. Because honestly, in my experience, the people who don’t talk that much, when they finally do say something, it tends to be profound. Also, the problem with excellent listeners is that they are usually the more “quiet” people in our lives. And when the quiet people get fed up with the rest of us more flamboyant ones, they tend to exit quietly. They don’t slam doors. They don’t demand equal attention. The good listeners just silently and slowly pull back and slide away. And their loss in our lives is a great one, because they are such rare gems. What best listener in your own life deserves more of your attention? Can you ask them questions without interjecting stories about your own life? You don’t have to “charm” an excellent listener. They are already charmed by you. They have shown it to you, again and again and again. Give their ears a break. This action will be the best thing that you have done for both of you, in a long, long time. There is no better way to show appreciation to the good listeners in your life, than to actively and earnestly listen to them.

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Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

No Offense

“Not to be a bitch.”

~ Me, about to be a bitch. – @WetMascara – Twitter

My sister used to always say, if you are about to start a conversation with “No offense, but . . . .” that’s your cue to shut your mouth right there. It’s like you are giving yourself your own pause and warning and finger shaking, that this conversation is not headed anywhere good, but sometimes, you just can’t help yourself, right? You keep blabbering on. And you naively believe that by saying “not to be a bitch”, or “no offense but”, or perhaps if you are a guy, the guy version is “not to be a dick”, that this is somehow going to negate every offensive word coming out of your mouth. It’s like we believe that the person who is about to get our verbal assault, appreciates the warning, and puts on their “sticks and stones – words don’t hurt me” invisible cloak of calloused thick skin. It’s like we believe that the person about to get a tongue lashing from us, is now going to sit in an aura of “open-mindedness” and gratefulness for our opinions, because we gave them a forewarning of our verbal punch, about to hit them in the face. It’s like we think that “not to be a bitch” is some kind of free pass or a “get out of jail free card”. It never turns out that way. It never does.

Instead what happens is that the person about to get insulted, has their hackles up. They’re pulling out their own verbal guns, and they are getting ready to aim them right back at you. You are about ready to experience a hard lashing from their prepared defense. Or worse, you are about to distance an important relationship that you have, because that person is about to retreat with some hurt feelings, and some deep resentment held against you.

It struck me, when nodding at this tweet, with unfortunate recognition and chagrin, that the people with whom we start conversations with “no offense but”, are usually people whom we genuinely care about. People who truly deserve our tongue lashings and unsolicited advice, are people whom we would never dream of giving them a warning, as to what is about to come. And when we know that these people, who got our verbal assault without any warning, deserved to be put in their place, we aren’t usually that concerned whether these people are offended or not. These are not the people whom we typically care to keep a relationship with in our lives.

The other day, I was blathering on about a decision that I was trying to make, out loud, on the phone with my aunt. She listened and when a pause in my dramatic soliloquy came, she calmly asked me, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?”

I actually paused again, to think about it. Yes, I did want her opinion, but I was so honored (and honestly, kind of shocked) that she asked me first. I felt deeply respected by that question. It’s a question that I hope to incorporate more into my own conversations going forward. It made me feel valued and heard. People who ask questions are the best kind of listeners.

If I’m honest with myself my “no offense but” usually comes out of me when I am exhausted from listening to the “same old/same old” complaints and problems, from people who seem to like to complain, but do not take any fruitful action to change the situation which they are complaining about. But who is to blame for my exhaustion and frustration with these types of conversations? (I am the one who is exhausted and frustrated, right?) I am offering a free audience to someone who likes to complain. I am volunteering a free audience to someone who perhaps genuinely enjoys complaining, and has no intention to change the situation which they are complaining about. Ever. The remedy here is not to snap out my nasty, high and mighty, “Not to be a bitch, but this situation is never going to change, and you aren’t doing anything about it”. Instead, I have other choices. I can change the subject, or I can politely ask, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?” Or, I can realize that this person just wants a listening ear, and I can decide whether I want to be the listening ear for this particular situation. (because after all, they are my ears, right?)

To be clear, no offense is intended with this blog post. The gut punch is all my own.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.