We have a scheduled up day today. So I will just share this that I read the other day:
“To do all of the talking and not be willing to listen is a form of greed.” – Democritus
Ouch. I’ve never looked at “greed” in this form. It’s a good area that many of us could stand to be less greedy.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
2301. What is your favorite movie genre?
“1. Being a great listener isn’t genetic and it isn’t magic. It’s a skill set that can be taught, learned and practiced.
2. Don’t be “that guy” at the bar. Ask questions.
3. Beware of stacking…where you take one thing you know about a person and stack up all the other things you assume about them underneath.
4. Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer. All or nothing.” – from Kelly Corrigan’s takeaways from a conversation that she had with author, David Brooks whose latest book is How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
So, I read this synopsis this morning in my email, and so I have now added another book to my long queue of must-reads. But in the meantime, my curiosity got to the best of me and I read a whole other manuscript of an interview with David Brooks about his latest book.
David Brooks claims to have written this book because he is concerned of the epidemic of loneliness and despair and separateness that many various statistics and anecdotes point to, in our society today. He claims that we must learn to look at each other with open minds and open hearts, and to be vulnerable enough to share our own open minds and open hearts with others. Below is one of David Brooks favorite quotes that inspired David himself to become more emotionally available:
“In the middle of life, I learned that if I seal myself off from the pain of living and from the emotions of living, I’m sealing myself off from the holy sources of life itself.” – Frederick Buechner
And so David says this:
“I realized along the way that to see others well, you have to be open-hearted. You have to open up your heart to other people.”
The interviewer asked David Brooks why paying attention, which seems like such a simple act, is actually a really profound moral and creative act?
Brooks answered that there is almost nothing better you can give to a person than the gift of just being seen, without judgment or expectations. He said that a friend had an a-ha moment when David Brooks was trying to explain this concept. His friend said this:
“That’s what we do with our grandkids. We just behold them.”
Wow. That’s beautiful. What if we just “beheld” people? What if we really did utilize the “namaste” idea that “The Spirit in me beholds the Spirit in you” with everyone we came in contact with today? I have a sneaking suspicion that if the majority of us did this on a regular basis, the world would be uplifted in ways we never could have imagined.
David Brooks also said this in the interview: “We like friends who are linger-able. People you just want to linger with.” Isn’t this the truth? Aren’t there certain friends and family members that time just flies by with, and you sometimes wish that it would never end? I have certain friends whom I have lunch dates with, that I learned not to schedule anything else for later in the afternoon, because I am so excited to linger with these “linger-able” people as long as possible. I think that I might spend some time today on what traits makes certain people so “linger-able.” And I will spend some time in gratitude for the “linger-able” people in my life who find me to be “linger-able”, too.
What are the different practices of diminishers and illuminators? – Another question asked of David Brooks by the interviewer, Cherie Harder of The Trinity Forum.
“. . . diminishers, first, they don’t ask. So if you’re not a question-asker, you’re probably a diminisher. Secondly, they stereotype, and so they have labels. And thirdly, they do a thing called stacking. And stacking is when, if you learn one fact about a person, you make a whole series of assumptions that you think must also be true of that person.”
Wow. I know that I have sometimes been guilty of being a diminisher and making snap “stacked up” opinions of people. I also know that people have “stacked up” me. I find it interesting and amusing when people are shocked to find out that I am a deep thinker/writer, or that I love hiking, or that I have three sloppy dogs, because on the outside I’m also a stay-at-home spouse of a banker, who likes pretty clothes and accessories, and enjoys riding around town with my convertible top down. So they have already pigeon-holed me into a certain stereotype. To add to this point, the most right-wing leaning, conservative in their politics person whom I have ever met, lives in California, gardens her own vegetables (and she’s been a vegan longer than anyone I know), is a tech expert, shaves her head, does not wear make-up and wears the same t-shirt/jeans combination “uniform” every day of her life. And she’s not a lesbian or a transgender person (even though she has been confused to be these labels many times). She’s in her sixties and she has been married to her husband for decades. Hmmm. Categorizing and pigeonholing people sometimes makes navigating our lives and our experiences easier and more streamlined, but wow, do we miss a lot, when we smugly assume that our assumptions are the unquestionable truth. If we treat each person as an intriguing world unto themselves to explore and to get to know, we will never be bored.
Number 4. on the list above is a big “ouch”, isn’t it? As a mother of four, I have often prided myself on my multi-tasking abilities. “I’ll listen to you while I’m doing the dishes, or folding the laundry, or secretly thinking about my grocery list in my head. In fact, I’ll listen to you as I’m doing all of these tasks at once.” I need to remove the “dimmer” option on my listening switch. It’s not helpful for any of my relationships.
I’m going to end this post with some poignant quotes David Brooks uses to remind people who are in the throes of depression, that they are still very much needed in this world:
“Life has not stopped expecting things of you.” – Viktor Frankl (Viktor Frankl was a Holocaust survivor. If you are still here, there is a reason for you to be here. Make it your purpose in life to find that reason, and to be it.)
“Without your wound, where would your power be? Your low voice trembles into the hearts of men because of the wounds you carry. In love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” – Thorton Wilder
If you are in pain, if nothing else, try to use that pain for love’s service. You know pain intimately, so another sufferer will feel “seen” by your full attention and understanding, more than from anyone else. Your pain will not be for nothing, and perhaps it will be alchemized into another molecule of deep, authentic love that our world sorely needs.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
The Wise Connector posted this on Twitter as a friendly reminder.
We have relatively new neighbors who love to talk about themselves. They love to talk about the trips they were on, their kids, their grandkids, the services they’ve hired, etc. In short, they love to talk about themselves. They have never once asked me a question about anything going on in my life. If I interject something not pertaining to them, they quickly boomerang the conversation back to what they want to tell me. Sometimes I wonder if they even know my name. I think that I’ve noticed that they also seem a little miffed, and wonder why I avoid them like the plague, shutting my garage door before I am even out of my car.
Sometimes people treat good, engaged listeners as “captive audiences”. Remember that the reason why good listeners are good listeners is that they are kind, compassionate, considerate, interested, and engaged. Good listeners notice nuances, and hear things, and remember facts that most people do not. That’s what makes them so unusual and desirable in today’s world. It is also the reason why good listeners, in particular, notice when you are not listening. Think about the best listeners in your life. Let yourself be their “captive audience” for a change. Don’t assume you are as interesting as you think that you are, and that their “quietness” makes them boring. Really listening to your good listener, will make a world of difference to them, and it will ensure that they will always be around to “hear” you. You will miss your good listener. Good listeners are extraordinarily rare gems in today’s world.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I don’t remember the exact quote, but on Twitter the other day, someone tweeted something along these lines:
“The problem with being a good listener is that people don’t know when to STFU.”
There were many, many likes to this statement. I, myself, am just an average listener. It is something that I have had to work on over the years. I have a tendency to get excited and to interrupt. That being said, I’ve always tried to be cognizant of not holding people as my captive audiences. Nobody wants to be talked AT. People want you to show genuine, reciprocal interest in their lives, as well.
People who are really good listeners are probably among the most used and abused people in this world. They are so rare, that once we have one in our realm, we all tend to assume that they like being our sounding boards, and we lap up their rapt attention to our own showboating. Recently, I’ve been trying to engage the best listeners in my own life, to talk more about themselves. Because honestly, in my experience, the people who don’t talk that much, when they finally do say something, it tends to be profound. Also, the problem with excellent listeners is that they are usually the more “quiet” people in our lives. And when the quiet people get fed up with the rest of us more flamboyant ones, they tend to exit quietly. They don’t slam doors. They don’t demand equal attention. The good listeners just silently and slowly pull back and slide away. And their loss in our lives is a great one, because they are such rare gems. What best listener in your own life deserves more of your attention? Can you ask them questions without interjecting stories about your own life? You don’t have to “charm” an excellent listener. They are already charmed by you. They have shown it to you, again and again and again. Give their ears a break. This action will be the best thing that you have done for both of you, in a long, long time. There is no better way to show appreciation to the good listeners in your life, than to actively and earnestly listen to them.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’m hesitant to write this because I am fully aware that this will come across as a brag, or at the very least, a “humble brag”. It will make it seem like I need approval and accolades. I don’t. For the most part, I deeply know and I understand my own intrinsic worth (and thus, everyone else’s worth – it’s a package deal). I also recognize that we all volunteer our time and our resources to entities that are important to us, in order to make a difference in this world. Many people volunteer a hell of a lot more of their time, money and energy than I do. I am grateful for all of the generous, kind people who surround me in this world.
Still, I must share what is on my heart. I received a card from my elementary school mentee yesterday and this is what she wrote:
“I want to thank you for being with me this whole time and talking to me when I need someone to talk to. You also listen when I’m talking to you. You make me feel like I am really somebody!!”
I am choked up every time I read it (which has been around 600 times since yesterday). I haven’t always been a great listener. In fact, for most of my life I have been a great interrupter. Being an active listener is something that I have had to make an earnest effort to work on, over the years. I also have a “save the world complex”. Being an avid reader has made me feel like I can find the answers to mine and everyone else’s problems, if you just give me enough time to research it, and then explain it. I love to spout out knowledge and advice. (Ask me how that’s worked out for me. The world is still a little bit of a mess, isn’t it? And frankly, I have probably lost a couple of frustrated friends along the way, due to my overreaching.)
What this note from my dear young friend reminded me about, is that it doesn’t take much to make a difference in someone’s life. What most people want, in order to feel like a “somebody”, is just someone to be there, and to listen to them. My young friend didn’t write about the gifts which I have bought for her, nor about my treating fast food on occasion. My young friend wrote about me holding space for her.
The Inner Practitioner (Twitter) writes about these steps for holding space for someone, in order to give them the most honor and respect, and in order to show them that we value them. When we hold space for someone, we are showing them that we know that they are fully capable of “doing this thing which we call life.” When we hold space for someone, we are sharing our pleasure in being part of their support system. We are happy to witness their life’s experience. (The steps below are in the Inner Practitioner’s own words and quoted):
STEPS FOR HOLDING SPACE
1) Really listen to understand.
2) Feel what they are saying.
3) Don’t take on their energy.
4) You don’t need to solve their problems.
5) You don’t need to agree with them. You don’t need to share your disagreement with them.
6) Let them be themselves without any judgment.
7) No matter how they feel, their feelings are valid. Support their feelings. Let them know that their feelings are valid.
8) If you can, use empathy instead of sympathy. Sympathy means understanding from your own perspective. Empathy means putting yourself in others’ shoes to understand them.
9) Practice makes perfect.
I know that this “holding space” effort, will be a lifelong lesson for me. But I also realize what an important lesson it is. Everyone on this earth deserves to feel like they are “a somebody” because they are somebody. What a privilege and an honor it is, to be able to show someone what an amazing “somebody” they are, just by holding space and listening to them. We are all stitches and blocks and material, in this quilt of life which we all share and create together. We are all a “somebody” that helps to keep the immense quilt of Life all sewn together, and to make it a delightfully beautiful, never-finished, work of art.
“There is a thing that I do: W-A-I-T. It stands for “Why Am I Talking?” explains Hanks. “I wrote that down in a notebook that I keep to remind myself that listening, for me anyway, is a disciplinary art. I have to force myself to listen because I love the sound of my own voice and because I’m a movie star I’ve been infantilized by everybody I come across who says I’m wonderful.” – Tom Hanks, being interviewed about his new movie, A Beautiful Day in the Neigborhood, in which he depicts Mr. Rogers
Listening is a disciplinary art for almost everyone, except for a few treasured, gifted, amazing people who everyone is equally intrigued by, and adores, all at the same time. I’m not a great listener. And since I am not a charming movie star, I’m already starting out with two strikes against me.
Despite swearing that I was going to expand my horizons this year, and start volunteering for things that didn’t involve my local school district, (trying to branch out from what I have done for the last two decades or so), I’ve ended up becoming a mentor to a 10th grader and a 3rd grader on a weekly basis. (like many middle-aged women, I am not great at saying “no”, nor was I doing an especially ambitious job of looking for volunteer opportunities, outside of the schools) I had to get special training for this mentor position. I went into the training cocky, presumptuous and overconfident. I’ve raised four almost grown children, who I think are pretty special people, and I’ve volunteered in the schools for 20 years. I could teach this “mentoring class” on the fly with one hand tied behind my back. I’ll put my time in to meet the state requirements, but I will probably be bored out of my mind. HA!
The focus of the mentor training was on LISTENING and what “real listening” is, and what it means to people. If you are good listener, apparently your response to the person you are listening to, will be a good reflection and understanding of what they expressed to you. That’s it. That’s all that they want. They want to feel heard and understood. They want to feel validated and important. They want your confidence that they are capable people who will figure out their own issues, in due time. The worst response apparently is advice, evaluations, and analyzations. Even reassurances can just be experienced as condescending brush-offs.
So right after my training session (after finishing up eating my crow and choking on some feathers), I ended up writing a long apology for my lack of listening skills, throughout the years, to my family (husband and kids) on our family group chat. My dear ones all kindly accepted my apology with not one protestation that I was mistaken about my lack of good listening skills. There was not one “awww, but you are too hard on yourself, you are a GREAT listener” from any single member of my crew. Rightly so. I then sheepishly extended this apology to some of my lifelong friends. They were very gracious in accepting my apology, as well.
I’ve worked harder on focusing on what the other person is saying, instead of using that time to come up with my soliloquy in response. Still, I know that I have some work to do on this listening process, yet. Yesterday, when I rudely interrupted my 10th grade mentee with a question about her story, she patiently but firmly replied, “I didn’t get to that part of the story yet.”
I like Tom Hanks’ W-A-I-T trick. I don’t want to be a walking podcast. I want to be present for my family and friends. I want to be a little more Mr. Rogers and little less “movie star – in my mind”. I think that life probably feels a little bit more in depth and meaningful that way.
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”― Ernest Hemingway
“This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you, allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.”
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen
“Two waterfalls do not hear each other.” – u.fo Twitter
I don’t know what this says about me, but I had to look up the meaning of the above proverb, to be sure that I was understanding it. The proverb is saying that when two beings are being loud, endlessly making noise, there is no real communication happening. It is impossible to really “hear” and digest what is being said when everyone is talking at once.
My husband likes to hear our family’s chatter. Sometimes, I ask him why he is being so quiet and he says he just likes to “hear” our family. A couple of days ago, one of my meditations talked about how soothing the sound of water is to our hearts and souls. It’s so true. Think of all of the different sounds water makes. The trickle of a small fountain, the rush of the tide, rain hitting the roof, bubbly brooks flowing down a mountain, the filling of a bath tub with the anticipation of how good the water will feel against our skin are all the beautiful, unique nuances of the sound of water. The sound of water is incredibly therapeutic and available to all of us. If we just listen . . .
I guess the sound of water is like all things, best in moderation. The sound of two large, crashing waterfalls would become deafening after a while. But if we didn’t have all of the lovely sounds water makes, the silence could be deafening, too.
“The sound of water says what I think.” -Zhuangzi
“I first noticed how the sound of water is like the talk of human voices, and would sometimes wake in the night and listen, thinking that a crowd of people were coming through the woods.” – Freya Stark
“The biggest communication problem is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply.” – Stephen Covey
I wish this statement wasn’t true for me, but it is, unfortunately, very true. It’s like when someone starts talking, key words that they are saying start pinging and all of my experiences that have anything to do with those key words come to the forefront of my mind, banging loudly and insistently, to get out into the open.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I said, “I don’t mean to interrupt but . . . ” I wouldn’t need to buy Mega Millions lottery tickets.
A friend in a book club of mine was a psychologist who studied group dynamics. In order for group communication to be effective, she said that you should let at least three other people speak before you speak again. I wonder if waiting that amount of time makes you finally start listening to others or if it just means you are better formulating in your mind what you are going to say next?
I guess not being a good listener kind of makes you a “know-it-all.” It means you must think that you have already heard it all, seen it all, processed it all and it is only you there needed to spout it all out. It is like arrogantly believing that the person you are talking to hasn’t gone through meaningful life experiences that you could gain any knowledge from. It’s assuming that they are just lumps of clay there to absorb all of your thoughts, explanations and stories without believing that they have anything interesting or insightful to say. Ugh! When you look at it that way, you realize how much you miss out on by not really being present to what someone else is saying. By devising your next soliloquy while the other person is talking, you are cheating them out of an attentive listener and you are cheating yourself out of absorbing some possibly truly important wisdom and delightful observations.
“You can’t fake listening. It shows.” – Raquel Welch
