Tag: inspiration

Real Simple

Good morning, friends. If you didn’t get a chance to read Thursday’s blog post, “The Lifeboat” or even if you did, please go back and read my wonderful, and loyal reader Kelly’s response to that post. It is beautiful, poignant and real. And (the other) Kelly is truly an excellent writer.

This is a “Gorge Season” in my family. Every family has them. We have three birthdays in a matter of a couple of weeks, and usually Easter falls right in the mix, as well. Yesterday, for my daughter’s birthday, we started with an onslaught of doughnuts, went to a very generous Japanese steakhouse for dinner, and ended up with my daughter’s favorite chocolate volcano cake and ice cream right before bedtime. My husband mentioned more than once that he had the worst night’s sleep of his life, last night. And we are just out of the starting gate on this year’s early Gorge Season. It gets harder every year, as we age, but somehow we manage to go at our spring Gorge Season with great gusto.

Before my daughter’s best friend arrived to our home to join us for dinner last night, I was thumbing through “Real Simple” magazine (the March issue). I have subscribed to this magazine for years. It’s a good one. One of my favorite features is the Modern Manners advice column by Catherine Newman. If I had to summarize almost every answer that she gives to her readers about various issues that they are in a huff about, I would say it is something like this: “Take a chill pill. Is this really a hill you want to die on? Life is too short. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

In this issue, one person was upset with how her guests didn’t leave her borrowed RV the way she felt they “should have” done it. This is the finishing line of Catherine Newman’s answer to the reader: ” ‘Read my mind’ is an unrewarding approach to just about everything; if there are invisible strings attached, people tend to get tangled up in them.”

Another reader noticed some expensive antique silver decanter labels were missing after a few dinner parties she held for friends. She was concerned that they may have been stolen and she asked Newman if she should bring it up with her friends. Newman reminded her of the great possibility of finding the misplaced labels (this kind of thing has happened to me before, and then my high-and-mighty, outraged, suspicious mind immediately turns to shamed, chagrined mind. Has this happened to you? Not fun.) Newman’s finishing line to her answer to this reader: “Things are just things. Assume you lost them, and let them go.”

The final reader’s question was about her father constantly giving her unsolicited advice via articles that make her feel belittled and insulted. She wanted to know how to handle asking him to stop this behavior. A few of Newman’s final lines on this one were excellent: “You could also remind him that you’re on the same page. As my own son has said to me, ‘I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.’ ”

That one hit home with a little sting of “ouch”. Why do we parents have the tendency to forget that our adult children and our dearest friends and family, all likely share the same goals that we do? “I promise I want me to be happy and successful too.” And why do we all think we have the secret formula for everyone’s happiness and success??? In 2022, the self-improvement industry is projected to be worth around $13 billion dollars. If we all had the easy formula, there would be no 13 billion dollar industry to support. And further, everyone’s idea of happiness and success is different. My extremely extroverted and social friend was telling me that with my soon-to-be empty nest right around the corner, I probably should start to join a lot of clubs, find some social events, and fill up my calendar with lots of stuff in order to stave off the loss of my regular routine. I know that she meant well, and that she was trying to take care of me with love, so I didn’t have the heart to say, “That sounds like pure hell to me.” Her idea of happiness and fulfillment, is my idea of hell.

What I like best about the overall theme of “Real Simple” magazine, and that includes Catherine Newman’s Modern Manners column, is that it reminds me not to overcomplicate things. It reminds me that very few things in life are worth torrents of emotional angst and loads of hand wringing. It reminds me that life can be as simple or as complicated as I choose to make it. The older that I get, real simple feels real good. Maybe being happy and successful comes down to just experiencing the experience. The older that I get, the more plausible this seems. It really could be as simple as that – experience the experience, and then let it all go.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Lifeboat

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Last night, before falling asleep, I was scrolling through Twitter and I came across a story that gave me pause. A woman had posted that she had spent the last forty-eight hours wondering if her addict was even still alive. Luckily, he was found unharmed. She posted a picture of herself crying, and she asked her followers this:

Can someone please tell me it’s going to be okay . . .

In a matter of just a few hours, over four hundred people wrote back to her, with kindness, love, deep empathy, and for the most part, the same message, just written in different words. The gist was this:

It’s going to be okay, but you can’t fix this for him. You have the power to save yourself, and no one else.

Many of us who love alcoholics/addicts have had to let this message really sink in. Many people who answered the woman’s question suggested Alanon. Alanon is a great organization. It is geared towards focusing on the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and most of us go to our first Alanon meeting hoping that we will get a written, step-by-step guidebook on how to “fix” our addicts. It’s shocking, and at first, somewhat deeply deflating to hear the truth: You can’t do anything to help someone in denial, or who really doesn’t want to change. You MUST take care of yourself. You must take all of the energy that you have been putting towards your addict, and you must refocus it on to yourself.

This is a short article that explains an addict’s thought process better than most I have ever read (and I have read a lot):

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-an-addict-21927#toc-experiencing-consequences

All of the tools in the world, i.e. therapists, ministers, self-help books, rehab, 12-step programs, yoga, family interventions, affirmations etc. won’t do a lick of good for the person who is not deeply invested in using these various tools in order to help themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes alcoholics and addicts don’t want to be “helped.” And being overly invested in “fixing/helping/changing” someone else and their lives, is its own form of addiction called codependency.

When you wake up to the realization that someone you love is deeply entrenched in alcoholism or addiction, I liken it to realizing that you and your loved ones are on this scorched earth, burning island. You, in your newly awoken state, realize that you can no longer live in denial of the destruction and the damaging fires. You realize that there’s a lifeboat, and you jump on it and you desperately try to get your loved one to get on to that lifeboat with you. But, unfortunately, your addict may not want to get on to the lifeboat. They may try to pull you into the water, where you both will drown. They sometimes want and choose to stay on the burning island, and they are angry that you longer want to be there, pretending that all is well. It’s heartbreaking to get on the lifeboat by yourself, but it is the only choice available, that at the very least, saves one life. It is the only choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for anyone involved that there is a way off of the burning island. And as the example I read last night, with hundreds of responses in a matter of just a few hours, you are not alone, floating on your lifeboat. There are many, many of us, floating in these wavy waters with you, willing to give a helping hand, and full of understanding, from our knowing, pained hearts.

****Readers, I choose to keep the identities of the addicts in my life private. I assure you that everyone in my immediate family is healthy and well, at this time. Thank you for your love, understanding and concern.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

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credit: @CynicalMother, Twitter

That’ll wake your brain up on a Monday.

Yesterday, my husband and I had a late lunch at a lovely local farm market, designed for people to sit and stay for a while. There are front porch rockers, and a playground for the children, and a stage for local talent to provide enjoyable background music. There was a breeze in the air, children were playing and pretending to drive a stationary tractor, and dogs were calmly sitting at their people’s feet. People would bike up, park their bikes in the stand and grab a water and a handful of sunflower seeds before heading off on their biking adventures again. The overall scene was so peaceful and beautiful and calming and lovely. I thought to myself that this is all that anyone ever really wants and deserves. Everyone wants their untroubled, easy place under the sun to laugh, and to smile, and to be nourished. A place to drink in all the natural beauty and to admire it and to enjoy the company of others sharing the same appreciation of the goodness and the wholesomeness of life. And that’s why it hurts so bad when we read the hard stories in the news. We are heartbroken to hear that people are being robbed of their harmonious time in the sun. It’s just so senseless. The sun, and the earth, and the waters are natural, abundant, powerful nurturers and providers. They want to be utilized for their loving energy and not pointlessly scorched, and ruined, and bled on and wasted in pain.

Yesterday, in that beautiful moment of clarity, and of beauty and of harmony, I thought of so many other incredible places on this earth that I have visited and where I have felt that same kind of relaxing, soothing energy that I was so acutely experiencing and enjoying and soaking in. And I prayed that someday this would be the only kind of place everyone in this world will ever know. The very scene felt born out of our collective, peace-loving hearts. It was wonderful. It was real. And it should be available to all, all of the time. The sun, and the earth, and the skies and the waters eagerly agree.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Lighten the Load

I’m a spongy person. I have the tendency to feel and to absorb everybody else’s emotions besides just my own. (I think this is very common in us mom-types) Yesterday was a doozy for my sponginess. It seemed so many of my loved ones were having big ups and downs, and I got on that roller coaster with them. My husband was hangry (hungry and thus, angry), my son was deeply disappointed over a test grade, my daughter was over-the-moon excited about finding her college roommate, and my sister was distraught. And I gathered that whole mix of other people’s emotion into my body, and stirred it up and I let it stew. And that’s on me.

I know that I have this tendency to take on other people’s emotions. And while it seems “nice” and full of empathy, it honestly isn’t helpful for any of us. Two frenzied worked-up people equals a lot more chaos than just one upset person. Nothing is getting solved and no one is being helped. And in the end, taking on too many swirling emotions, on top of your own mix of emotions, can lead to fatigue, resentment and even sickness.

I’ve learned a lot about noticing this phenomenon with our three dogs. When one of our dogs gets worked up, before you know it, all three have “caught” the excitement and they all end up in a hyperactive tiz. The only way to calm this situation in a hurry, is to become calm and quiet and centered myself. Dogs understand and relate to and respond to this peaceful, confident energy. Our trainer told us that our sweet, gentle collie is the leader of our pack of three dogs, and it is not because she is big (Ralphie is bigger) or because she is the only female. It is because Josie has the calmest, most centered energy of the three of them.

It helps to have the self-awareness to know that I have this tendency to take other people’s feelings on. It helps me to notice when I am falling into this habit. This is when I take a deep breath in order to ground myself. Then, I can remind myself that this feeling is not actually my own feeling, and whatever strong emotions my loved ones are feeling, these feelings will pass, just like mine do, on a regular basis. It is also my job to put boundaries on any conversations or situations that I am finding to be taxing, upsetting or draining. I have the right to stop a conversation, or to keep it to texts, or to keep it to a certain time limit. When I bring a calm reassurance that my people will be able to handle whatever they are dealing with, this is what is most helpful to all of us. Getting overly involved in other people’s issues may mean that I am avoiding or not spending enough time on my own matters of business, problems and dreams. My life, my feelings, and my actions are my responsibility. Others carry that same responsibility for their feelings, their own actions, and their individual lives. By tending to my “own stuff”, I take that burden of worry from other people, and I can inspire them by example to know that they are fully capable of taking care of their “own stuff”, too.

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Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Finish Strong

Fast approaching, is the end of the first half of my adult life, which I mainly devoted to taking care of my family. My daughter has decided to start college in the summer term, so by the end of this June, 26 years of parenting and 12 years of supporting high school activities, sports, and guiding our four children into their own burgeoning adulthoods, is about to come to a close. All of us parents know that we will be parents for life, but the hands-on, main focus, every day sort of parenting which I have done for most of my adult life, is coming really close to coming to its own close, in a matter of a few short months. I’ve brought this up on the blog before, but it bears repeating. I am now constantly reiterating to myself a mantra that I oft repeated to our kids, throughout their childhoods. Finish Strong. Whether it was pertaining to a school year, a class, a sports season, a race, healing from an injury, an essay, an exam, etc. the directions I gave were simple: Finish Strong.

So, during these last few weeks I have been busy putting celebratory dates on the calendar. I have been busy with planning, and spouting lots of last minute advice to my daughter with hopes that I am not forgetting anything important and pertinent. I have been busy savoring the last high school tennis season (actually the last high school sports season which I will ever attend regularly). Overall, I have been busy with working on the finishing touches and flourishes of the final chapter of Volume 1, of my own Adulthood Saga.

At times, my busy mind has veered into trying to goad me into making a firm outline, in order to carefully plan Volume 2 of my Adulthood Saga. My Inner Control Freak sometimes goes into panic mode, and she makes me feel like we had better get going, in order to be well-prepared, organized and energized for Chapter One of Volume 2. My Inner Control Freak is telling me that Volume 2 is right around the corner and it has got to be great, fulfilling, amazing and ready at the start. “Focus on the Future!!’ she screams. But my wiser, calmer, most intuitive self, says, “Woah, Nelly. Let’s just breathe. Let’s just focus on the tasks at hand. All that you need to do right now is to Finish Strong. Volume 2 will take care of itself, in many, many ways, just like Volume 1 did, when you reflect back on it.”

I am proud of Volume 1 of my Adulthood. The protagonist is an interesting character. She has grown a lot. She has lived a lot of her goals and her dreams and her plans, and yet she has also been open enough to take some new directions that life’s storms and surprises have imposed upon her. She is about to put the finishing touches on the first half of her adult life. She is proud of her accomplishments, achievements, and evolvement. She has learned from many mistakes, and she realizes that she is strong, and resilient and open-minded enough to learn from the future lessons that are bound to arrive in Volume 2. Mostly, though, the protagonist, while closing out the first volume of her adult life, is in savor mode. She is savoring what she has created for herself, what she has co-created with others, and she is grateful. So very grateful. And in that spirit of thankfulness, and brimming with love and awe, she is doing what she must do. She is finishing strong.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Better

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How can you not be in awe of Dolly Parton?! Besides her amazing creative talents, and her dedication to being purely and authentically herself, she has given millions away to pay for books for children, college educations for her employees, and for vaccine development during this heart wrenching pandemic. And yet Dolly remains humble, grateful, thoughtful and down-to-earth.

I think that this fan’s tweet, says it best:

“There is a Dolly Parton hall of fame and it’s the planet earth. Love you.”tanya tagaq@tagaq

In times of strife, the cream rises to the top. We love to focus on the villains and the bad guys, but just for today, let’s just be in awe of the people who make this world a better place. Let’s focus on the real-life superheroes who are all around us, making this world inspirational, hopeful and even more beautiful. Don’t focus on flaws. Don’t start with “yeah, but”. We’re humans. We’re all flawed. But there are certain people who have an incredible knack for doing what is in their hearts to do, and they make it happen. Make your list today of people who are alive today, who make you want to become a better version of yourself. Is it the Ukrainians? Is it Zelenskyy? Is it Dolly? Is it your neighbor? Your sister? Your mother? Your child? Your friend? Your doctor? Your teacher? Doesn’t just thinking about these people fill your heart with so much pride and hope and enthusiasm for life, and for all that this world is capable to be??? Think of moments in your own life that you stood up to the challenge, and you put out the best version of yourself, just because you felt the need and the drive and the inspiration to do so. These moments were not only your gift to yourself, but also your gift to the entire world. Don’t be stingy. Give us more of your truest, kindest, purest, heartfelt self. If we all did this on a regular basis, just imagine how fantastically beautiful this world would be. It is people like Dolly Parton who give us a hopeful glimpse.

you make me wanna be a better man – theQuotes.me

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday-Funday

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credit: @andymewborn, Twitter

I think that the above meme has become particularly more applicable to me as I have gotten older. It really does stress me to have more than one important thing to do on any particular day. I have the tendency to over-exaggerate the importance and the relevance on any “big, BIG, BIG” event on any one specific day. Interestingly, my twenty-something sons and I are complete polar opposites in this regard. My sons try to pack in as much other stuff that they possibly can before “The Appointment” and then to come screeching into “The Appointment” huffing and puffing, breaking speed limits, with no seconds to spare, all of the while trying to pull off an air of complete badass nonchalance. It makes for a really fun family dynamic amongst us at times. If this sensation were a perfume it would be called, “Tension in Ze Aire.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Listen Up

I don’t remember the exact quote, but on Twitter the other day, someone tweeted something along these lines:

“The problem with being a good listener is that people don’t know when to STFU.”

There were many, many likes to this statement. I, myself, am just an average listener. It is something that I have had to work on over the years. I have a tendency to get excited and to interrupt. That being said, I’ve always tried to be cognizant of not holding people as my captive audiences. Nobody wants to be talked AT. People want you to show genuine, reciprocal interest in their lives, as well.

People who are really good listeners are probably among the most used and abused people in this world. They are so rare, that once we have one in our realm, we all tend to assume that they like being our sounding boards, and we lap up their rapt attention to our own showboating. Recently, I’ve been trying to engage the best listeners in my own life, to talk more about themselves. Because honestly, in my experience, the people who don’t talk that much, when they finally do say something, it tends to be profound. Also, the problem with excellent listeners is that they are usually the more “quiet” people in our lives. And when the quiet people get fed up with the rest of us more flamboyant ones, they tend to exit quietly. They don’t slam doors. They don’t demand equal attention. The good listeners just silently and slowly pull back and slide away. And their loss in our lives is a great one, because they are such rare gems. What best listener in your own life deserves more of your attention? Can you ask them questions without interjecting stories about your own life? You don’t have to “charm” an excellent listener. They are already charmed by you. They have shown it to you, again and again and again. Give their ears a break. This action will be the best thing that you have done for both of you, in a long, long time. There is no better way to show appreciation to the good listeners in your life, than to actively and earnestly listen to them.

404页面 | Listening quotes, Good listener, Mindfulness quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Version 2.0

I can honestly say that any time I have dealt with a personal challenge or tragedy, I have come out, at the other side of it all, as a person with more depth. I like who I am now much better, having bore the brunt of scars and pain and fear from any of the struggles which I have experienced and I have survived, and even sometimes thrived through. I believe that all of our experiences, whether we deem them “good” or “bad” have brought beautiful hues and nuances to our overall beings, making us deeper, more interesting, more reflective, more empathetic, stronger and yet more sensitive, all at the same time. Our experiences and our reactions and responses to our experiences hone our creativity and our understanding of Love, like nothing else does.

Our collective humanity has been going through a shitstorm (for lack of a better word) in these last few years. We are taking our licks and we have been forced to watch the people whom we love and care about, take their own licks, which is sometimes even more painful than bearing our own wounds. There was another generation, that comes to mind, whose some members are even still alive. This generation absolutely got more than their fair share of tumult and pandemonium to deal with in their own young lives. They experienced World Wars, and the Great Depression, and The Holocaust and vast discrimination, without many of the technological advances, and the medical advances, and the rights, and the comforts and the conveniences that we so easily take for granted today. They are called “The Greatest Generation.” This Greatest Generation is widely known for their collective character, their foresight, their sacrifices for the greatest good of all, their work ethic, their integrity, and their commitment and loyalty to their people and their causes.

I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten the naïve, sometimes selfish, sometimes impulsive, uninformed, judgmental, know-it-all younger versions of myself. My life experiences have shaped me into a more authentic, honest, patient, introspective, self-aware person than I started out to be and I hope that I continue to grow in that direction, until my last living breath. I hate what we are experiencing right now in this world of the pandemic, fractured politics and crimes against humanity. However, I also have no doubt that it is fire that forges steel. I believe with all of my heart, that it is often the worst of circumstances that can bring out the best of humanity and of creation. I think that our world would definitely benefit from “The Greatest Generation” Version 2.0. Don’t you?

Quotes about Greatest Generation (59 quotes)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Love Is An Action

In the matter of less than six months, three members of our combined extended families have lost their spouses to sudden deaths. All three of these people who died were in their fifties and younger. This has been a lot to consider and to digest and to process. It has been a stark reminder to me of just how short life really is, and how important it is to savor all of it. In times of sorrow and of pain and of uncertainty, which since the pandemic started, seems to be more of the norm than it ever was before (at least in my own life), it really helps to be reminded of all of the good and the love and the wonder that still surrounds us. These two recent news stories filled me with hope for humanity.

The first was the story of the Polish women who left their strollers waiting for the Ukrainian refugee mothers who were coming into Poland, at the train station platforms. I am sure seeing those strollers meant so much more to these refugee mothers, than just the use of much needed baby strollers. It was a message of hope, and of love, and of empathy, and of unity, like nothing that we could ever convey in words:

https://www.today.com/parents/parents/strollers-refugees-viral-photo-rcna19020

The second inspiring news story is about a hotline created by a couple of teachers and their elementary students to uplift people who need to feel some hope and some joy. It is called “Peptoc.” I called the number this morning and I picked the option to hear children’s laughter. Is there a more beautiful sound in this world? I think not. The number is here: 707-998-8410 I may keep it on speed dial. Here is the article:

https://www.npr.org/2022/03/06/1084800784/peptoc-hotline-kindergarteners

Love is an action. What does your love action look like for today?

Love quote - Love is a verb. | Love is a verb, Love quotes with images, Love quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.