“The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. Be patient and stay the course.” – Fabienne Fredrickson
My youngest son has started a sales job this summer, and this past week he has experienced a lot of frustration, feeling like his efforts aren’t going anywhere. Having been in sales, at his same age, I remember those feelings all too well. A huge part of doing well in sales is keeping the faith and staying the course. In sales, you tend to get disappointed by targets you work your tush off for, and then end up with delicious surprise sales, that almost seem like a gift out of nowhere. The fruits of your labors, often pop out where you least expect them to be.
I remember reading once, that if we instantly got everything that we wanted right when we asked for it, we would quickly become overwhelmed. (Ever arrive home to a pile of Amazon boxes at your front door, full of impulse purchases??) We would soon find out that half the things that we thought we wanted, were things that we really didn’t want, in the long run. Ideas and creations and intentions that have spent some time, hibernating, cocooning, and then even some more time percolating and simmering, usually give us the best refined and blooming results of whatever it is that we are truly and ultimately seeking.
Plant your seeds. Do what you can for these seeds. Water them, make sure they get some light and heat, fertilize your seeds with excitement and optimism, but don’t hover over them, with wringing hands. Be patient. Believe that before you know it, you will be filling baskets full of the ripe fruits of your own labors.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Meet Bert and Ernie. I just recently purchased these wonderful fellows from a seller on eBay, who lives in the same small town in Pennsylvania (population less than 4,000) where one of my grandfathers grew up. That (and also for their strange, unique, inimitable, one-of-a-kind style) was a huge part of why I chose to purchase “Bert and Ernie” (these aren’t their original names that I know of – I have chosen to give them these particular names so that I can easily refer to them, when my husband and I go plant shopping to fill them, in the near future.) Ironically, when we first moved to Florida, we lived on a street that had the same name as that very same small town, and at that bewildering time in my life, the irony and the familiarity of the street name, felt really special and comforting to me. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in the adage that “Coincidence is God acting anonymously.” I believe in continuous, comforting signs from parts yet unknown.
I love unusual jardinière. I believe that this love started when I was a young girl and I first read The Secret Garden. There is something mystical and magical about gardens filled with unusual plants and complementary pottery and statues. I believe that everything carries an energy, and everything shares the energy of the Creator and also of all of us, the mini-creators. I love that sensation of adding new energy into a space and seeing and feeling what that new object, or plant, or artwork brings to the overall area and vitality of that space. Of course, I am always at the real risk of clogging my energy with too much stuff. This I know. Still, Bert and Ernie are a great addition. I feel it in my bones. Our garden welcomes them.
“I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear!” — Ernie
“Oh, I love pigeons more than anything else in this world… besides oatmeal.” — Bert
“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.” ― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
“At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done–then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago.” ― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
****The Answer to your question: Windber, PA (for some puzzling reason people who aren’t familiar with Windber, always have a hard time spelling it . . . .it is “one of those words”)
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
+ ” . . . .you are not supposed to be perfect. And neither is your mom, and neither is your ex, and neither is anyone. We’re not supposed to be perfect. The people you look up to, they’re not perfect. Nobody’s perfect. We’re not supposed to be perfect. We’re supposed to be a mess. So can you be the most authentic, aligned, healthy, well-adjusted version of the mess that you are?” – Jessica Lanyadoo
So the main goal is to be less messy of a mess, I guess.
+ I read that an excellent question to ask yourself is, “Does this really need a response?”
We are such a fast moving society. We often tend to react versus respond to situations, and it is interesting to ponder how much of anything actually even really requires a response. Along those lines I read something the other day that said to allow yourself to go ahead and act on a thought/inclination/idea/impulse, but just make sure that you are actually “acting on” something, and not just “acting out.”
+ I thought that this was a beautiful explanation by the painter, Pete Sandker, about why he paints:
“I remember when I was younger and driving out west with my family and seeing these incredible mountains and waterfalls and groves of aspen trees in the fall and being overcome with this feeling that I wanted to somehow do something about all the beauty I was seeing. Like this feeling I wanted to just grab a whole mountain in my hands and drink the ocean.
. . . . it was almost a sad feeling that I was seeing something like that and then would have to go home and just forget about it and take out the garbage and pay the bills . . . . so now I have this painting thing to channel just a bit of that and feel satisfied that I did something about what I saw.”
This begs the question, what are you doing about all of the beauty that you are seeing and experiencing in the moment, or have seen/experienced in your lifetime? Do you revisit all of the photographs which you have taken? Do you take time to sit and soak in your loveliest memories? Do you look at what your food looks like, and do you spend some time really tasting it, before you swallow? Do you keep mementos from your favorite trips and holidays around your living space to remind you of just a smidgen of the beauty which you have experienced in your own lifetime? Another question I read over the weekend struck me enough to write it on my calendar (and unfortunately I don’t remember to whom to give credit): Where are you directing your energy? Do yourself a favor today, and direct a good amount of your energy towards the beauty. It’s everywhere.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Today’s topic on the blog is going to be tough. Please don’t click on the video below until you read the blog, and then decide for yourself whether you should watch it. The clip is a scene at a Christmas dinner in the incredibly well-acted Hulu television streaming series, The Bear. The scene, featuring the extremely talented actress, Jamie Lee Curtis, contains a lot of profanity, and it could be triggering for some of you, or at the very least, a spoiler for those who are in the midst of watching The Bear.
Emotional abuse is every bit as real as physical abuse and sexual abuse. Often abusers use more than one form of abuse, but emotional abuse by itself is every bit as damaging as physical abuse and sexual abuse, often because it is harder to describe and to explain. There are no physical marks with emotional abuse. No one’s body has been violated. (although emotional abuse tends to go deeper – it penetrates the soul.) Victims are often disbelieved or discounted as being “sensitive” because there is “no proof.” And abusers aren’t always abusing. Physical abusers aren’t pounding their fists on to people 24/7. Sexual abusers typically spend a great deal more time on grooming their victims and everyone else around them, than they actually do perpetrating their vile acts. And most abusers tend to be some of the most charming, interesting people you might meet on any given day. This is part of the abuse. It’s a constant bait and switch, or as some people call it – “the mindf#ck.” It’s known in psychology circles as “the intermittent chicken effect” which is based on a experiment with chickens. Renee Linnell explains it perfectly:
“In a child psychology class I took in college, I learned about intermittent reinforcement. In an experiment, chickens were taught to push a button with their beaks. In one group, each time the chicken pushed the button, a food pellet appeared. The chickens would peck at the button until they were full, then they would stop. In the second group, the chickens got rewarded with food at first but then consistently got nothing when they pushed the button. These chickens pushed the button a few times after the food stopped but soon grew bored and quit. In the third group, the chickens sometimes got a food pellet and sometimes did not. It was random. These chickens pecked the button until their beaks bled . . . and kept on pecking, never knowing if just one more push of the button would reward them with food. The result of the experiment: To strengthen behavior of any kind, use intermittent reinforcement.”
The scene below shows Jamie Lee Curtis’s character, “Donna”, holding everyone in the room hostage to her extreme moods. The entire afternoon, the show portrays how everyone around Donna is tip-toeing, doing everything that they can to keep her “even”. Donna’s friends and particularly her family are walking on eggshells, trying desperately not to set off the bomb of Donna’s extreme mood swings. They are all in a state of constant “fight or flight”, also known as hypervigilance. Their nervous systems have been on high alert all day. When someone has an emotional abuser as part of their everyday life, their nervous systems are usually a wreck because they are always “reading the room”, as if they were in a constant state of a high stakes, emergency situation. This becomes the usual state of being for victims of emotional abusers, particularly for their children, because their children have no choice otherwise. Abusers’ children rely solely on their abusers for their needs to be met. And so they learn to adapt the best ways that they can to manage their precarious situation.
Now when you watch this particular scene (or the whole episode), you can’t help but feel compassion for Donna. Donna is clearly a very sick and sad individual. She seems to have some mental disorders that she self-medicates with alcohol. It’s highly likely that she was a victim of abuse or trauma, herself. Abuse, mental disorders and addiction often go hand-in-hand. The real problem is that Donna doesn’t see herself as the problem. She sees everyone else as the problem, and she views herself as the victim. This is also common of abusers. However, when we excuse the behaviors of abusers, and we allow it to continue in our own lives by pretending it isn’t happening, nothing changes. The cycle of abuse goes on and on, and that’s why the same types of abuse and addictions are often perpetuated continually, throughout many generations of individual families. In the ideal world, Donna would submit to her problems, and get the help that she needs for her mental disorders and for her addiction to alcohol, and her family would get the help that they need for the coping mechanisms (such as codependence, acting out in rebellion, denial, their own addictions etc.) which they created for themselves, in order to deal with Donna’s unhealthy, damaging behaviors. But often it doesn’t go that way. Many abusers don’t believe that they have a problem. Many abusers can’t see that they are the problem. And many families choose to push things under the rug, and go along with the abuser’s illusion that there are no real problems (or that the victims themselves are the real problem), out of fear and sadness and guilt and shame and misguided “love and loyalty”.
I’m grateful for (as vivid and disturbing and upsetting as it can be), The Bear‘s honest portrayal of what many families experience when they have an abuser in the mix. It validates victims of emotional abuse, and with the popularity of the show, it seems obvious that this kind of abuse is more prevalent and relatable than we would like it to be. But by bringing this situation to the forefront, this show creates an opportunity for discussions and awakenings which can lead to healing for many people, and for many families. Long-running abusive cycles can be broken for future generations. Victims of abuse can be victorious cycle-breakers. And in the end, isn’t that a big part of what we are doing here on this Earth – trying to guide and to heal ourselves and each other, on to something better and more hopeful and more wonderful than has ever existed before?
Victims of abuse, I see you. I validate you. I care. You can prevail and be the change.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
“I’ve always been skeptical of the staycation. The coinage is too cute for what feels like a consolation prize: While other people are off exploring the Blue Lagoon by camper van, you get to stay in your very own home and go to your usual supermarket for Cheerios!
So I was intrigued to discover, thanks to my colleague Catherine Pearson, that I have been vacationing all wrong. Evidently, my tendency to stumble into time off without a plan is unlikely to produce a restorative effect. Instead, one should imbue the time off with the urgency of a weeklong trip. Jaime Kurtz, a psychology professor at James MadisonUniversity and the author of “The Happy Traveler: Unpacking the Secrets of Better Vacations,” advises asking oneself, “If I were moving away soon, what would I most want to do, and who would I most want to spend time with?” – from a The New York Times article by Melissa Kirsch
This article caught my attention immediately because it took a quote from a professor from my alma mater, James Madison University. (Go Dukes!) Now that we are empty nesters, my husband and I have found comfort in not having to schedule our major vacations during the summer months, due to our kids’ school and sports schedules. Our kids are grown. My husband and I can take vacation any time of the year that we want to vacation. By traveling mostly in the fall and in the spring, we often miss major crowds and major heat. It’s a relief. It’s relaxing.
So essentially, when we have time off in the summer, my husband and I do tend to “staycation”. However, I like the idea of treating a staycation with more intention and preparation. My friend told me recently that she and her longtime partner have made a pact to schedule at least one day-trip a month, to a location they have never been before. There is much less hassle, packing and expense with these day trips and yet they still have the thrill of anticipation, novelty, adventure and escape.
Pick a day this week that you don’t have a lot scheduled and treat it as if it were a vacation day. Use the professor’s question above to help guide you: “If I were moving away soon, what would I most want to do, and who would I most want to spend time with? (and don’t let your practical mind take over with thoughts like, “Well, I would tidy up, dust and start cleaning out drawers”, unless these activities are what you really enjoy doing on your vacations.)
And on an entirely different note, I watched this TED Talk yesterday and it is one of the best TED Talks that I ever watched. For those of you who consider yourself to be creatives (which should be all of you), this is a “can’t miss”:
And final thought of the day from the movie, Wine Country:
“From one old lady to another, get over all your shit, ‘cause it is later than you think.” -Lady Sunshine
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
When I was with my best friends from college a couple of weeks ago, we got to talking about the young girls’ body confidence these days, and the fact that most young women these days often wear, on average, about a third of the body coverings that we wore at their ages. Some of my friends are thrilled with this evolution, some of my friends are struggling with it (especially when it comes to our own daughters) and I, myself, sit somewhere in between these two opinions. I think that it is important to have pride and confidence in the precious, unique vehicles which house and transport our souls. But sometimes it seems to me, that putting so much focus and emphasis on “in your face”, look at my body, look at my body, look at my body, look at my body, puts too much emphasis on physical looks (especially for women) and not enough emphasis on the person as a whole. (which ironically is what I think the whole “body positive” movement is trying to do – bringing the emphasis back to unique qualities of the individual) As in anything, the pendulum always swings back and forth, this I know.
Anyway, I’m not here to debate the merits of any side of this story. I can see all sides which is often the case in my own life, which leaves me in an almost constant state of “muddled-ment” and puzzlement about many things. (An unmade mind is a messy, sleepless, frustrated thing. Sigh.) Today, though, I would like to share this beautiful piece below by the writer, Molly Burford. It’s easy to compliment someone on their looks or their outfits. Take some time today to compliment someone in your life for what makes their own unique spirit so special. Take some time today to compliment yourself about something distinctive that makes you stand out from the crowd (and make sure that it has nothing to do with looks.) I imagine that a lot of these compliments below, apply to you, my readers. Consider yourself complimented and as always thank you for reading the blog. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I saw this meme as I was scrolling on Twitter this morning, and I was amused at how the creator got what he or she thought to be a hilarious meme, “sort of” wrong. Ryobi tools and Milwaukee tools are owned by the same company. Ryobi is just the less expensive brand of the same tool maker. Let me put it in fashion terms: Ralph Lauren is the luxury brand, and Polo is its more affordable line. Versace is the luxury brand, and Versus is its more affordable line. Milwaukee is the luxury brand, and Ryobi is the more affordable line.
Now you may have never taken me to be a tool aficionado, and with this assumption, you are correct. Beyond a hammer and a screwdriver, I’m pretty hopeless when it comes to tools. I only know about Milwaukee and Ryobi because my youngest son had an internship with their parent company last summer. Last summer, I learned more about tools than I ever wanted to know. (on an aside, the Milwaukee “Sharpie type” pens are the best, most long lasting, I have ever used. The next time that you are in Home Depot purchasing potting soil, slide over to the Milwaukee section and buy a pen. You won’t regret it.)
Experiencing this other person’s gaffe this morning, reminded me of why knowledge is so important. We often make assumptions and jump to conclusions, without understanding the full picture. As we age, and with a lot of experiences already under our belts, we often forget to ask the who/what/where/when/why/how questions that were pounded into us, by our English teachers when we were kids. We project what we think that we “already know” on to our experiences, and we forget that we are still susceptible to mistakes and misjudgments. It’s so easy to end up with egg on your face when you are poking fun at an experience that you don’t have full knowledge about. The safest thing ever to poke fun at, is yourself. No one knows you like you do, and even with your own self, you still have some knowledge to learn. Today get curious. Ask yourself a who/what/where/when/how/why inquiry about yourself. You might be surprised to learn that you are more multifaceted than you realized. And if you see something that seems a little “off” to you (like the Ryobi guy using a Milwaukee tool), don’t be afraid to investigate. Ask questions. Try to come to understanding versus presumption.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I just showed this meme (above) to my husband and he mentioned that he thinks a lot of kids these days seem to think that they should be starting at Chapter 20. (yes, he and I have become the old, know-it-all cranks, whom we told ourselves we would never become. 😉 )
The beauty of getting older is reflecting on all of the chapters behind you to see how they shaped who and where you are today. This meme is the epitome of showing that it is always, always about the journey and never really about the destination. (I mean, we still don’t know how the Bezos/Amazon story ends yet, do we?) The destination is just something to aim towards, but the journey is where the all of the experiences happen. The journey (also known as the chapters of our lives) are all of the ups and downs, the adventures, the heartaches, the happenings, the experiences of our lifetime that chisel away at who we are becoming, throughout our entire lives. Why would anyone want to skip to Chapter 20? You would miss out on everything that made you. You would miss out on all of the explanation and understanding of how you even got to Chapter 20. You would miss out on being at Chapter 20, and being able to look back fondly at Chapter 1, and notice how Chapter 1 is innocently filled with high hopes, and impossible dreams, and vivid visions, and smile to yourself, to see how far you have come. There is something extremely special and satisfying about reveling in everything that it took to get you to Chapter 20.
When I am reading an excellent book, or watching a wonderful movie, I never want it to end. No matter how good the ending ends up being, I’m always a little disappointed. I’m sad that the experience is over. Excellent chapters make you want to experience a never-ending story. None of us know when it will be the final chapter of our own book, so we should just savor the chapters while we are in them. And the truth is, none of us can be entirely sure that there actually is a last chapter . . . .
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Happy Friday!!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!!! Lately, all of us probably have some of the same favorites: water, shade, ice cubes, ice cream . . . . My own favorite for today, is dual purpose. It keeps my hair off of my neck, and it has a personality – it is a little sneaky and clandestine. My favorite for today is probably more for my female readers, unless you have a man bun (see above). (I’m still in awe that I have any male readers – thank you, guys!!) Today’s favorite is The Hidden Pocket Scrunchie Hair Elastic. This cute, fun scrunchie has a zipper pocket where you can keep things like money, air pods, chapstick, etc. If you are doing some weeding outside (what are you crazy? There’s a heatwave going on!), and the ice cream man happens to pull up, all you have to do is reach up and pull the dollars out of your hair. How fun! I got mine at a local boutique but you can find them at Target and Amazon.
Bonus Favorite: For those of you who have dogs who love the water as much as our Ralphie, the Labrador retriever does, we finally found a collar for him that does not leave a rash around his neck, from its constant dampness. The collar is called the Coastal Pro – Waterproof Dog Collar. Ralphie’s collar is a beautiful shade of aqua blue (and it hasn’t faded) but these collars come in all different, vibrant colors. For those of us, whose dogs are also part fish, these collars are a must. We got ours on Amazon for $15.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
There is so much heat in the air, that even sitting in the air conditioning feels like being in a tanning bed. I feel like a slug. I don’t want to move. It feels like it takes the gallant effort and mental fortitude of a Navy Seal to psych myself up to go outside, just to get my mail. There’s summer in Florida and then there is “summer in Florida, amirite?!?” We are definitely in “amirite” territory this week. (in case you haven’t heard enough complaining about this unprecedented summer heat wave, I just indulged you.)
I’ve gotten a few dozen new subscribers in the last week or so. Thank you, welcome. I’m so honored. I love to write and I would do it in a void, but it feels truly validating to be read. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I wrote a blog post once about my writing process, and about how what you get in your email, is usually the first draft. I can almost guarantee that you will find at least one typo or grammatical error. That’s why I have my editor (aka my wonderful husband) read my blog post every single morning. My sweet husband then texts me, how much he liked my post and what he got from it, and then right after that text is “And here are all of your mistakes:”. And I always think to myself (almost every single day), “How did I not catch that mistake?!? How did I miss that?? I’ve read over my post 3-6 times before publishing! How does that happen? And how does my husband spot the mistakes every single day, right away?!?”
Now my husband is not critical. He is the most supportive person in my life. My husband just happens to be far more detail oriented than I am. (All you’d have to do is look at our respective packed suitcases, desk tops or individual grocery carts to see how differently our minds work.) While in a hotel room my husband might hone in on the small knick by a light switch, while I, at the same time, am determining what the overall ambiance of the room, the hotel, or even the whole town itself, intuitively feels like to me. My husband is detail oriented and I’m big picture, and this is why we work well together.
And now is the moment that I finally get to my point: “Fresh Eyes” on any situation in your life is so important. An open mind to what these “Fresh Eyes” see, is also equally as important. Make sure that you have at least a couple of people in your life, who you admire, trust, and believe that they have your best interests at heart (friends, family, minister, therapist, mentor). When you have a situation in your life that you want some feedback on, go to your trusted “Fresh Eyes” people. Be open to what “Fresh Eyes” see. Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing what “Fresh Eyes” puts a spotlight on. Your “Fresh Eyes” people are coming into the situation, having never seen it before. When I write my blog posts, my mind already knows what it is trying to say. Often I can’t type the words fast enough. I often miss my mistakes, because my mind already sees what it wants to see. It already has a fixed idea or a prejudice as to what the blog post is saying. “Fresh Eyes” usually don’t come into any situation with a predetermined agenda.
If you prefer “finished product” with few or no typos, just go read my blog on my website in the afternoon. Rarely do I change the ideas or sentences in my posts, but sometimes I get the inspiration to do so. Therefore, what you get in your email every morning, is usually not the final “turn into the teacher” paper. I rely on my favorite “Fresh Eyes” to give me different perspectives, and to help me to clean things up a little bit here and there. Having two extra sets of eyes or more, is never a bad thing with any situation in life. Ask a beautiful monarch butterfly. It has 12,000 eyes (is it a wonder that butterflies are not easy to catch?)!!!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
