Tag: inspiration

Crying Game

“Embrace crying as a spa day for your eyes.” – Chani Nicholas

“Whenever I’m struggling I think of this: what’s going to make the most positive difference to MY life right now? Then, I go do that one thing and I almost always feel better.” – Karen Nimmo

My daughter was talking to me the other day, and she was obviously holding back tears. I reminded her to let her tears flow. Crying and tears were designed to be our bodies’ release valves. My daughter was holding back her tears back because she didn’t feel like she “should” be upset. (the modern day shame – to be upset about anything “trivial” implies that you are privileged. Remember my favorite mantra -“Just because someone is dying of a heart attack, doesn’t mean that your broken toe doesn’t hurt.”) Nothing terrible has happened recently. My daughter has just had one of those seasons “on the grind.” She is finishing up two difficult, time consuming online college accounting courses. She’s worked a ton. Her boyfriend is away, taking summer courses at his college. This summer just hasn’t been a typical, laidback, full of ease and fun season, like it has been in the past for her. She feels overwhelmed and stressed during a time that is often perceived to be the most easy-going time of the year.

I’ve been feeling grumpy lately. There are a lot of little aggravations in my life that feel as “stuck” as the sickenly hot summer air in Florida has been for months. There has been virtually no movement on situations such as car repairs (my husband’s car has been in the shop since the beginning of June due to a shortage of parts) and a few other long-standing, seemingly never-ending red-tape issues going on in our lives. These things are out of my control. I know that things could be far, far worse. I also know that I shouldn’t let things that are out of my control bother me, but I can feel the frustration cooking under my surface, and scolding and shaming myself for feeling frustrated only adds to “the boil.”

I love Karen Nimmo’s (well-known author and psychologist from New Zealand) question that she says she asks herself, and she also reflects upon, any time a client comes to her with their problems: What’s going to make the most positive difference in my life right now? She says when tackling any problem, you have to take it one-step-at-a-time. You have to prioritize what needs urgent attention before getting down to the brass tacks of the overall issue. If a patient comes into the ER with an infection that is full of puss and blood on their arm, this wound must be attended to first, before you can start exploring what caused the infection in the first place.

So mostly, my daughter needed a good cry. I hugged her, and the release made her feel a little better. She also made plans to do some line-dancing with friends this weekend, which is new and intriguing to her. I got my hair done and my eyebrows waxed this week. These things are within my control, and they always give me a lift when they are completed. I’m signaling to the Universe that I am ready for the new season (a season in which hopefully some of these longstanding irritations will come to completion). What’s going to make the most positive difference in your life right now? You’re not going to solve all of your problems and issues and irritations, in one fell swoop, but you can take small steps towards positive resolution. And you will feel, at the very least, a little bit better.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ “Did you learn how to think or how to believe?” I read this question from a story on Rob Brezsny’s website. A father would often ask his daughter this question when she came home from school. It’s such an excellent question to constantly ask yourself, throughout life. Whether reading, or watching a show, or attending a speech or a service, ask yourself this question. With so much information overload these days (and now a ton of it being produced by artificial intelligence), this question has never been more important. Be discerning. Consider the source. Watch people’s actions, not their words. Think for yourself. Believe in yourself. Trust what resonates from the deepest part of yourself. You have more of the answers than you ever give yourself credit for, as most of the answers lie deep within yourself.

+ “Why can’t people be normal when they ascend into positions of power? Like what is it?” – martha, Twitter

“No one who wants to be in a position of power is normal to start off with. Like cult leaders, they’re all narcissistic to some degree. No normal person seeks power. Egomaniacs do.” – Zoraya Black, Twitter

I read this interaction on Twitter this morning. It is my belief that history’s most effective leaders have been hesitant leaders. They have stepped up to the plate when no one else was willing, or able to lead. They lead for virtue’s sake, for future generations’ sake, and how they ended up becoming leaders had nothing to do with their own personal power plays, but more so from an organic following of people who admired their ideas and their actions. Mahatma Gandhi and George Washington are known to have been extremely reluctant leaders.

“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” – William Shakespeare

Where are these rare birds these days? These true leaders tend to be the strong, silent types. It’s hard to find them in all of the clamoring for attention, and individuals’ need for their own fifteen minutes of fame. I do pray that these naturally sound and honorable people, like cream, rise to the top and become visible, and able, and available to us again. Never has our country needed them more.

+ I didn’t win a billion dollars in the Mega Millions last night. No one did. But even if I did, I believe that I would still be writing this blog. I love it that much. There are a lot of things in my life that would change if I had won, but there are certain things that I would do everything in my power to be sure that these situations stayed the same, because these people, places, things, and relationships are sacred and essential to me – you and this blog being one of those things. This is an excellent thought train to get real clear on what is most vital and meaningful to you, in your own life, right at this very moment. If you won a billion dollars, what would you definitely want to remain the same as it is, in your life right now? Feel grateful for these people, places, and things, and share your gratitude with them. You didn’t need a billion dollars to experience their preciousness in your life. Savor all that you have been blessed with in your life. Realize that you wouldn’t trade these things for a billion dollars.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

You’re Not Sunk

“Your fear that leaving this relationship will be a waste of the time you’ve invested in it over these past five years is a psychological trap called a sunk cost fallacy. It’s when you make the irrational decision to stay in a relationship based on your past investment of time, love, work, and energy, rather than on what’s in your best interest going forward. Sunk cost fallacies keep us stuck in the bad thing rather than allowing us to move forward in the direction of something better.” – Cheryl Strayed (from Dear Sugar)

I’ve written about sunk cost fallacies before, but I think this thought bears repeating. Today, is the first day of August and almost the last day of summer. (My husband keeps reminding me that this is not technically true, but the kids from our area go back to school next week and my daughter heads back to college the following week, so in my mind, which has been conditioned to the school calendar for a long, long time, summer is practically over. Remember, much like northerners are usually happy to see the winter end, most of us Floridians feel the same way about summer.) Not only is it the first day of August, but it is also a Full Moon day. Historically, full moons have been thought to be a time of reaping the harvest, and letting all things go that no longer serve us. Full moons have been thought to be times of culmination and of release.

So today, with it being a full moon on August 1st, it is an excellent day to get real with yourself, and ask yourself if you are currently caught up in any psychological traps of the sunken cost fallacy variety. These traps don’t always just relate to romantic and platonic relationships. We can get caught up in sunken cost fallacies related to almost anything: our jobs, the people we go to for services, such as doctors, hair stylists, dry cleaners, etc., a hobby, a volunteer position, where we live, where we vacation, our daily habits . . . . it can apply to almost anything. Basically, we all have areas in our life where things are a little stale and no longer working for us, even if they worked perfectly for us in the past. Just as a lovely little pot is the perfect place to house and to protect a young growing plant, there comes a time when the plant needs to be transplanted to an area where it can better spread its roots, in order to grow and to thrive.

In my own life’s experience and in observing others’ experiences, I’ve noticed that if we hang on too long to anyone or to anything, for no other reason than we have already spent a lot of time, energy, work, resources and emotion, on that situation, eventually the Universe will do the pruning for us, sometimes in a shocking, sudden, dramatic fashion, since we weren’t heeding its constant, growing louder hints from our own intuition, for a long, long time. And then, after the dust settles, we end up landing in this place of wonder and of amazement, because we suddenly see that the drab, dire story which we had been telling ourselves – “There is no other choice/option here”, is clearly false. We were the ones holding the keys to our own options and to our own freedom, the whole time. And this is when we ask ourselves, “Why did I waste so much time and energy staying put?”

Change is scary, but change, as we all well know, is the only real constant in life. By the time we hit middle age, we all are likely to have stories in our histories that prove that the sunken cost fallacy is truly just a mind trick. (Ask me about a money pit house we owned in the Carolinas sometime, if you want your ears burned off.) We are often susceptible to the sunken cost fallacy because of our honest, good intentions, always looking for the benefit of the doubt, our high hopes, and our misguided loyalty that sometimes veers into obstinate stubbornness. We’re human. However, knowing that we are all susceptible to the sunken cost fallacy but also capable of overcoming it, where does it seem to be sinking its teeth into your life? What, in the cupboard of your one life, has gone well over its expiration date? Where in your life, has your intuition been pinging you to change it up? Remind yourself of other times in your life when you finally made a much needed change (or it was made for you), and how the outcome of that change has improved your life immensely. Remind yourself also, that you brought all of the lessons, understandings, and happy memories that came from that prior situation along with you, even after you made the decision to leave it. All is not lost. The biggest trick of the sunken cost fallacy is the idea that just because something is no longer a fit for you, doesn’t mean that you got absolutely nothing for all of the time, energy, emotion and work, you put into it. The most invaluable, precious things in life are the things which we always have with us, the things which no one else can ever take from us – our memories, our knowledge and our wisdom gained, and our strength from fully experiencing life, and processing what those experiences mean to us, going forward.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

A wise person once said to me, “You don’t go to the gym, see a totally fit, “stacked” person and say to yourself, Hmmm, I wonder why they are here? They are already totally fit.”

When you see the totally fit person at the gym, you inherently realize that they are there at the gym to maintain their body’s strength and flexibility. They got fit at the gym, and they stay fit by regularly going there to work out. Their body’s strength and flexibility and health are a priority to them, and this is shown by their actions.

My hairstylist is 60 and I have been going to get my hair done by her for almost a decade. Since I’ve known her she has always been thin and svelte. Even during the pandemic, she kept her weight steady. My hairstylist also has to stay on a gluten-free diet for her digestive health, and she told me once that it really bothers her that people assume that she is thin only because she is on the gluten-free diet. She works hard at maintaining her weight, and her health, and it “irks” her that people think that she just lucked into her long-lasting body type.

Whatever you admire about a person – their relationships, their career, their style, their health, their knowledge, etc., most likely did not come easy. Even if the natural, raw talents and abilities were there, it is difficult to grow, and to maintain these gifts. It’s an uncomfortable truth, but the facts are, people live their priorities. It’s insulting to someone to treat their best attributes, assets, and gifts as only lucky breaks, which just happened to easily and randomly fall upon them, out of the clouds, and then magically stay there, without any effort on the lucky person’s part. When you see the admirable “finished product” of success, health, happiness, you don’t see all of the “behind the scenes” of blood, sweat, and tears, research, desire, tough decisions, and prioritizing that it took to get there, and then also, to keep it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

This is how Joseph Fasano, poet who wrote the poem below, describes poetry:

Joseph Fasano gets to the heart of it here. The reason why so many of us avoid reading or writing poetry is because it is vulnerable. It is emotional. It is truthful. It lays things bare. When I come to the blog on Sundays (a day that I have devoted to poetry), I often think to myself, do I have it in me to write about what I am really feeling? Can my mind translate my heart today? Many times I just don’t want to “go there.” So I put an oven mitt over my heart, and I look for someone else’s poem to publish.

“Why speak of the use
of poetry? Poetry
is what uses us.” – Hayden Carruth

Is it possible that poetry is just the soul translated? Poetry is the noble attempt to put into words that which can never fully be explained. Poetry is our soul trying to speak to us about what really “speaks to us.” Write a poem today, using this prompt: “I am the translator. Soul, what are you trying to tell me?” Perhaps use your non-dominant hand to write your poem. I imagine that your inner poet has more to say to you, than you think.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ten Years

I finished up one of my two-year journals yesterday. I set it on top of the other four finished journals. So for ten years now, from the summer in which I was 42 until this summer when I am 52, I have written a daily journal entry. I wish that I had journals from the age of 12, but before I was 42, keeping a journal was a spotty, sporadic, unintentional thing. There is something about middle age, that brings an urgency to realizing the brevity of your own life, and the compelling need to understanding how you are living your own life, into vivid focus.

I use the Building the Best You journals. They are currently out of print, but you can still get them from used book sellers. (just make sure that the ones you purchase are in “like new” condition – i.e. not written in) I just ordered two more of them yesterday, even though I already have a small pile of empty ones in one of my cupboards. I like doing that, as an act of confidence in myself. It shows commitment to continuing to do a journal entry every day, and the best part, of course, is that each book magically adds two more years to my life. Ha!

These journals aren’t particularly special. They ask the same six questions every day, so that you can compare your answers, year over year. The best part about them is that there is hardly any room to write. You have to answer the questions more in “phrases”. The answers which you write are more of a “gist” or a “theme” of your day. Every six weeks or so, is a page of longer questions and there is a little more space to answer those questions, but again, it doesn’t require a lot of time or energy to fill the small spaces. The format of this journal, makes it easy to commit to doing it for the long term.

What do I get from journaling? It’s a small time commitment that gives me so much in the way of self-knowledge. It’s a place to spill my messy feelings and sort them out. I have a daily record, which turns into a weekly record, then a monthly record, and finally, a yearly record of what I did, and what I am currently doing with the precious days of my life. I read this quote this morning:

“Don’t be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of.”   – Charles Richards

I think this is sort of a dark quote. I don’t necessarily agree with it. What I have found out from daily journaling is sometimes those moping days, those restless days, those sick days, those recalibration days in which you don’t do a whole lot, are often the days that you end up using to pivot, and to fuel yourself into a new direction. And honestly, daily journals are mostly truly life affirming – when you read over a few months, or a year, or even ten years, it’s amazing to see how many experiences which are packed into one human life. With daily journaling, I also get to notice my patterns, and my habits, and areas where I may be just going through the motions. I get “wake-up calls” about what aspects of my life I might want to consciously change and do better, and about other areas in my life that I can feel really proud about myself and want to continue. I have gained so much overall perspective from my journals. I can see that most things that I was so upset about at one time, mean almost nothing to me now. In fact, sometimes the things that I jotted down that were deeply upsetting me, I can now barely remember what happened. I also see that the truly awful stuff in life is really much more rare than all of the goodness, beauty, wonder, gentleness and evenness that our everyday lives are filled with on a reliable basis. When I remind myself and others that the storm clouds always, always pass, it’s not just fluffy talk. I have written proof. This is so comforting.

It’s never too late to start journaling. I wish that I had started the daily practice of journaling sooner than I did, but I certainly don’t regret starting it (and now I already have ten years in). So if you don’t keep a daily journal, start now. At the very least, on each calendar page, jot a couple of happenings and draw an emoji for how you feel. A journal helps you to create intimacy with yourself. It helps you to feel understood by yourself. There is no relationship in this world, more important than the one which you have with yourself. Give yourself this gift of journaling. You won’t regret it. You will get to know an interesting, brave, genuine, vulnerable, honest, hopeful, resilient human being living an ordinary life (that will sometimes show some real extraordinary glimpses of life), like you never have before.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+“Fire rests by changing,” wrote ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus. In accordance with astrological omens, I ask you to meditate on that riddle. Here are some preliminary thoughts: The flames rising from a burning substance are always moving, always active, never the same shape. Yet they comprise the same fire. As long as they keep shifting and dancing, they are alive and vital. If they stop changing, they die out and disappear. The fire needs to keep changing to thrive!” – Rob Brezsny

I think that the older I get, the harder it is to embrace change. I think to myself, “I’ve worked so hard to get where I am. Why risk it?” But then, that restless, unsettled, fidgety feeling sets in and the only thing that remedies that feeling is adding a little variation to the mix. Yesterday, I signed up for a combination meditation/painting class at a local Arts center for a few weeks, later this fall. My fire flickered in a new direction and it feels good.

+ Most of the plants that we have around the house, we have had for years. But every year they look a little different. Plants that were lush and beautiful one year, are sometimes a little scrawny and leggy in other years. But sometimes, just like us, one of our plants has “their year”. This is “the year” for this particular plant. It is full and happy and showy and proud. And I am beaming for it. I can’t help but notice it every time I step outside and I’m not even mad about it covering up the unique features (particularly two cool magenta dragons) of my antique jardiniere. If you, just like this lovely plant, are having “your moment” right now, let yourself shine! We are all better for it. It’s inspiring. It’s beautiful. It’s hopeful. And if this is one of your barely hanging on moments, don’t be a hater to the lush. Use its “busting-out-of-its-seams-beamingness” as a reminder and an inspiration, that your superabundant season is right around the corner. There is always room for everyone to bloom, in each of our own wild, wonderful and unique ways. The most fabulous garden is one that is full of unique, and individually interesting plants, all teeming with life and vitality.

+ The other day, I was in a grumpy, grouchy mood. And because I was in that kind of dismal mood, I felt like I had to justify it. Things that were really no big deal, I let grow exponentially in my mind, in order to account for my “no good, rotten, very bad” mood. My ridiculous, “privileged” rant looked like this: “We didn’t get mail. Work on our house would have to be extended into the next morning. A bill was incorrect. It’s hotter than hell . . . .” Now on another day that I was feeling better, none of that triviality would have registered a bleep on my mood meter. I honestly don’t know why I was really feeling so grumpy. It could have been bad sleep. It could have been “stuff” my subconscious is working out. The point is, sometimes you just have to feel your feels, and then let them go. There doesn’t always have to be a true reason, or an explanation, or something/someone to blame for the ways that we feel. And our feelings do not need to be fed and bolstered and blown out of proportion by our minds. Feelings are meant to be as transient as the winds. (And if you want to hang on to your good feelings, they are best fertilized with gratefulness.)

+ Yesterday, I saw a trailer for a movie based on The Hunger Games‘ prequel. I never knew that the prequel book existed. Before I even got home, while I was in the movie theater, I downloaded The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes to my Kindle and I can’t wait to start reading it. The Hunger Games books are some of the best books which I have ever read! The prequel novel by Suzanne Collins apparently came out in 2020. How did I miss this fact?! I had some time on my hands to read books in 2020. Didn’t we all??? If you didn’t know this and you are as excited about it as I am about it, you’re welcome.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Equilibrium

Mountains can be climbed with as little effort as possible and without desire. The reality of your own nature should determine the speed. If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Then when you’re no longer thinking ahead, each footstep isn’t just a means to an end but a unique event in itself.
– Robert M. Pirsig 

(On an aside, before I get to the quote, the Wise Connector on Twitter today, asked his readers to describe their favorite people to hang out with in three words. He has 531 responses so far, but these same words are seen most often in the answers: funny, loyal, positive, real, authentic, kind, honest, curious, smart, creative and adventurous. Would you answer the same way? I thought to myself, the person who I hang out the most with in my life, is myself. Do I make myself a good person to hang around with? Food for thought . . . . )

Robert Pirsig wrote Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I read this quote yesterday and this line really stood out to me: “If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion.” This quote obviously doesn’t just apply to hiking up a mountain. It applies to our lives. How many times do we decide to “push through” something, often ending in less than satisfactory or even disastrous results? Or at other times, do we waste our restlessness on bad habits or impulsive decisions, instead of using that time to focus that energy on pushing through on to our goals? When we say that we want balance in our lives, we are talking about that “equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion”. This is a good thing to ponder. When in your life do you feel most exhausted? Are there people, experiences, places, situations etc. that continually exhaust you? What can you do to limit this exhaustion? What do you do when you feel restless and bored? What do you do with that extra energy? Is what you do with your restless energy fruitful and propelling you forward, or is it just wasted, frenetic energy? Maybe creating lists of what to do when we are exhausted and what to do when we are bored, would be helpful reminders because tired minds aren’t balanced, and wired minds aren’t balanced. They don’t make the best of guides.

My daughter has been taking two online college accounting courses over the summer, and she is following a technique that she read about, where she studies for 25 minutes and then she gives herself a five minute break. She was amazed yesterday, how productive she was, completing her assignments using this system. She had found her equilibrium. She was even and productive. And she felt really good about it.

You are climbing your own mountain, of your own life. “The reality of your own nature should determine the speed.” If you become aware enough to make adjustments when you are feeling exhausted, or when you are feeling restless, your speed will be in perfect cadence with your intermittent goals. You will reach the apex of your life, one step at a time, enjoying each footstep as a “unique event in itself.” We see the same words all of the time, when describing a state of peace and serenity: Balance. Equilibrium. Awareness. (essentially staying in NOW) Just like climbing mountains are achieved by many hikers, all of the time, every day, all over the world, we can have the same success and enjoyment climbing the mountains of our own lives: Being fully aware, one step at a time . . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Welcome to poetry day on the blog. Our two middle sons moved to new apartments recently and so, as we mothers do, I sent them a reminder text to change their mailing addresses on the post office’s website. I wrote, “Hi boys. Please remember to change your addresses on the post office’s website.” Two hours later, I had an aha moment. Our sons are not “boys.” Our sons are fine young men of the ages of 25 and almost 23. I sent a new text to them, correcting my error, and telling them that I should not have called them “boys”. I proudly see what amazing men they are turning out to be. But, fellow parents, let’s be real. If I am honest with myself, our sons will always be my little baby boys (and our daughter will always be my precious little baby girl) and so when I read this poem, shared below, this past week, I thought to myself, “Wow, Robert Hershon nailed it. He just nailed it.” I think that there is nothing more fulfilling in any creator’s heart than when we have written/sang/painted/photographed, etc. something and we get this proud knowing feeling that says, “Damn, I just nailed it.” Try nailing one of your passions today (maybe even nail art?), and give yourself that satisfactory feeling of savoring it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Seeds

“The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. Be patient and stay the course.” – Fabienne Fredrickson

My youngest son has started a sales job this summer, and this past week he has experienced a lot of frustration, feeling like his efforts aren’t going anywhere. Having been in sales, at his same age, I remember those feelings all too well. A huge part of doing well in sales is keeping the faith and staying the course. In sales, you tend to get disappointed by targets you work your tush off for, and then end up with delicious surprise sales, that almost seem like a gift out of nowhere. The fruits of your labors, often pop out where you least expect them to be.

I remember reading once, that if we instantly got everything that we wanted right when we asked for it, we would quickly become overwhelmed. (Ever arrive home to a pile of Amazon boxes at your front door, full of impulse purchases??) We would soon find out that half the things that we thought we wanted, were things that we really didn’t want, in the long run. Ideas and creations and intentions that have spent some time, hibernating, cocooning, and then even some more time percolating and simmering, usually give us the best refined and blooming results of whatever it is that we are truly and ultimately seeking.

Plant your seeds. Do what you can for these seeds. Water them, make sure they get some light and heat, fertilize your seeds with excitement and optimism, but don’t hover over them, with wringing hands. Be patient. Believe that before you know it, you will be filling baskets full of the ripe fruits of your own labors.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.