Tag: inspiration

Dumb Little Things

I have a couple of friends who are in the beginning stages of getting divorced. It’s a situation fraught with emotion, and unfortunately, I have proven myself not to be the best support system in this situation. I just always manage to express the wrong words, it seems (my foot-in-mouth game is in full force these days). Last night, my guys were all at a football game, so I decided to watch a couple of podcasts with an interesting character named James Sexton, who is a divorce lawyer in New York City and has been one for over 20 years, in order to better understand the situation my friends are dealing with in their break-ups. James Sexton has handled many high profile/high net worth divorces and he has written a couple of books, the latest called: How to Stay in Love: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together. I should mention that James Sexton, himself, is divorced.

James Sexton doesn’t necessarily believe in the institution of marriage, although he claims that he still gets as weepy-eyed and romantic as anyone, at a beautiful wedding. (He claims he always watches the groom, because he loves to see that fullest expression of excitement, and hopefulness and love, in a man’s eyes.) In his experience as a divorce lawyer, Sexton claims that only about 25 percent of people are happily married. Over half of all marriages end in divorce (although people remain bright-eyed and hopeful, as 80 percent of divorced people marry again within 5 years), and he believes that about another 25 percent stay unhappily married because of religion, or for financial reasons, or “for the kids”. James Sexton says it all starts when people first get married. He claims people don’t know what they want out of marriage and when they do figure out what they want, they don’t know how to clearly and effectively communicate what they want to their spouse. James Sexton claims that if all marriages had prenuptial agreements (which he emphatically emphasizes to get) it would force people to confront those issues, and to learn how to communicate better about the “tough stuff”, right out of the box.

What breaks up marriages according to Sexton? He claims that marriages break apart very slowly, until it is “all at once.” While it appears that a marriage ends because a big calamity of cheating or financial blow-ups, the truth is, according to Sexton, that these things are generally the grand finale of a slow meltdown. “It’s dumb little things, man,” he said to one interviewer. He talks about one client first noticing that her marriage was breaking up when her husband no longer purchased her favorite granola, like he always had done. James Sexton says that the little, every day kindnesses (and sometimes even sacrifices) that we do for each other, is what makes our spouse feel so loved and appreciated and special. And he questions, why is this so hard for us to do? Why are we stingy with the actions and the compliments and the cheerleading for the one person who has given us the most to us in our lives, that being the pledge to share their entire lifetime with us? (James Sexton reminds people that all marriages end – either in death or in divorce.) He claims that the happiest marriages almost always seem to be the marriages that have a “us against the big, bad, scary world/life problems” mentality. Sexton says that the happiest marriages are those in which each partner is, by far, the other’s biggest fan and supporter.

I’ve been married for almost 29 years. I am still completely in love with my husband and I believe that he feels the same way about me (he always makes me feel loved and supported and cherished). It’s not always been a cakewalk. We have gone through major moves, job loss, financial disasters, dealing with supporting a child through the ups and downs of epilepsy, a miscarriage, dysfunctional relationships in our extended families, etc. We also have shared four beautiful children, amazing trips and adventures, financial booms, lived in beautiful places and have together loved countless pets, etc. We have shared an interesting, full life experience with each other so far. I feel blessed by my marriage more than anything in my life, but I also get grumpy and resentful and hurt. My husband does, too. In the end, though, I do believe that we both have always made “Team Us” our biggest priority.

The other day, I got a wake-up call from one of my best friends from college. On that day, I realized that she was even a better friend than I ever knew before. We had lunch and during that lunch, I was complaining to her about a trip that my husband wants to take this spring, to a place that I really don’t care to visit. A place that has deeply intrigued him for over a decade, scares me and really doesn’t interest me at all. I have told my husband to go with someone else, but he really wants to share this adventure with me. I have reluctantly agreed, but I have also managed to make him feel guilty and less excited by exuding my obvious blase, disinterested, “I’m doing you a big favor” attitude. After lunch, my friend called me, as we were both driving back to our own homes. She said that she still wanted to talk to me and that’s when she told me her truth: “You have always been an adventurer and a lot of tourists travel to this place every year. If you need to complain or gripe about it, call me, but support him. We’ve always talked about how lucky we feel in our marriages. I think that you should be more supportive of him. You won’t regret it.”

And she was so right! And in that moment, I felt incredibly grateful for my marriage, and also for this particular, insightful friendship all at once. (that kind of burst of gratefulness will bring you to tears – it feels so good) What did I do then? I burst out of the car when I got home and I told my husband how grateful I was for all his support in everything that I have ever wanted throughout the years (including having three dogs when he would have been happy with one, is just one example) and I also confessed what my friend had said to me, and that I realized that she was so right. I said from that moment forward, I have decided to be more open-minded and supportive and interested about the trip. And then my husband smiled and he said that she was always his favorite out of my friends. (ha!)

There is obviously no one magic formula for a happy marriage. James Sexton makes a point that in any other scenarios, almost none of us would enter into a situation with such hopeless odds stacked against us. Still, we do. Our need for love and connection and hope is strong and wired hard, into our DNA. I highly recommend checking out James Sexton on some of his YouTube video interviews. He is insightful, candid, and a great communicator.

“We’ve been indoctrinated to believe that it’s immoral to try to change someone else. We’ve been told that love, real love, is about accepting your partner “for who they are.” But we’re constantly changing our romantic partners merely by our presence in their day-to-day lives. They react to us. We react to them. That’s kind of the point. We influence each other’s behavior and, ideally, help each other, together, be the best version of ourselves.” – James Sexton

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

credit: @woofknight, Twitter

We have been hanging out with our two middle sons and their friends this past weekend. Our sons are 25 and 22. They eat a lot, and they have high, fast, young people metabolisms. I’ve been trying to keep up as best as I can. This lipstick will definitely come in handy for the rest of the week. I just couldn’t keep it secret from you until Favorite Things Friday. Ha!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

We have two of our sons with us this weekend which “magically” coincided with some delivery of outdoor furniture that needs to be assembled. (ha!) Anyway, my attention is diverted this weekend, so for this day of poetry on the blog, I am going to share some lovely words of Walt Whitman’s, who is considered to be one of America’s greatest poets ever. Walt Whitman loved our country. He called America “a teeming nation of nations” and “A grand, sane, towering, seated Mother.” I wonder if he would question her sanity today? Today’s poem is an excerpt from Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman:

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me.

Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”

Walt Whitman famously said this: “I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Weirdo

In my morning readings, I just read the word idiosyncratic. I haven’t seen that word in a while, and I love it. Idiosyncratic is one of my favorite words. Idiosyncratic means peculiar or individual. It means having habits and actions that are individual to you. Your idiosyncrasies are what make you stand out from the crowd. These are the things that the people who love you will nod about and recognize and smile, when you are spoken about. At my mother-in-law’s funeral in December, my sister-in-law passed out green ink pens to everyone. My mother-in-law wrote all of her correspondence (cards and letters) in green ink only. It was one of her special idiosyncrasies.

What are your idiosyncrasies? List them. Love them. Discover yourself today. Be proud of what makes you interesting and unique. Don’t be ashamed of what makes you, you. Those who love you will find these idiosyncratic attributes of yours to be endearing and familiar and interesting and intriguing and amusing and sometimes at the very least, just forgivable. Those who find your idiosyncrasies odd or irritating do not matter. They are not “your people.”

“It is one of man’s curious idiosyncrasies to create difficulties for the pleasure of resolving them.” – Joseph de Maistre

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Auspicious

These are the quotes that stuck out for me today, in my morning readings. They speak for themselves:

“Your values become your destiny.”
– Gandhi

“Every moment happens twice: inside and outside, and they are two different histories.” – Zadie Smith

And here is my own “feel good” story of the week:

As I mentioned in the blog, I started taking a Japanese Zen Art class last week at a local Fine Arts Center. Many Japanese calligraphers and artists use a red block stamp to mark their works, instead of signing them. I was excited to purchase my own soapstone stamp and red ink, to start making my mark on my own art. As I was searching for something unique and special (I’m not a lover of “practical and pedestrian”), I saw the unusual ink pad above up for auction on eBay. I put it on my watch list because I adored it. I sensed its special quality. Apparently, the turtle vermillion ink pad was made in Kyoto, Japan and it was sold to the seller in a specialized, traditional calligraphy shop there. The seller said that he was selling the ink pad because he no longer dabbles in calligraphy. He claims that the the turtle is considered to be an “auspicious” animal in Japan.

Now the truth is, my second Zen Art class is already this afternoon, and I am not a patient gal. I wanted my stamp, and my Asian red ink for today. I had already done a “Buy It Now” on an interesting stone stamp and I didn’t want to wait around for an auction to end on the ink pad above, so instead, I purchased a more “practical and pedestrian” ink pad from Amazon, and that was that. Truthfully, I had forgotten all about the turtle ink pad on eBay.

Last night, I was having trouble falling asleep. My husband and our three dogs were snoring away in chorus, as I tossed and I turned. Finally, I picked up my phone and I played around with it, and then I looked at my email. There was an automated email from eBay saying that the turtle ink pad auction was about to end and there were no bids on it. Eleven minutes from ending, I placed my bid. What did I have to lose? I played a couple of games and when I came back to my email, it turns out that I had won the auction. The adorable turtle ink pad is mine!! I paid the seller and then I finally fell into a deep sleep.

Almost every morning, my husband arises at the ungodly hour of 4:45 to go to the gym. I sleep. Around 6 o’clock this morning, I hear the buzzing of texts going off on my phone. I look at my texts and I see that the Family Chat was full of texts. I could start feeling my heart beating out of my chest, but then I calmed myself, reminding myself that if there were a real emergency, there would have been an actual phone call from someone. I quickly looked at the texts. They started with my husband texting that he saw a strange little white thing moving erratically on our street this morning when he came home from the gym and he wanted to see what it was, so he got closer and this is what he found:

The little turtle’s bright white egg was hanging by a thread on its back. My husband gingerly scooped up the precious little hatchling, and he brought it to safety, by taking the newborn baby turtle off of the road and placing it on a rock, by the small lake in our backyard.

When I excitedly told my husband about purchasing the turtle inkwell last night, after hearing the wonderful story about him saving the hatchling this morning, I smiled the biggest smile (inside and out). These happenings are so “auspicious”, for all of us (the baby turtle included). I am not a believer in coincidence. Coincidence is always Spirit being anonymous and deliciously mysterious.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Don’t Be Owned

“That of which we are not aware, owns us.” – James Hollis

James Hollis is a psychoanalyst, author (19 books) and public speaker whose main area of study is middle age in humans (in other words, us). He’s a difficult read. He says it like it is, and it’s not all “warm and fuzzy.” Still, his work is yet another reminder that we are the stewards of our own ships. Use James Hollis’ quote above to do a little soul searching of your own. Make a list of repeating patterns in your life – patterns that you like and patterns that you don’t like. Now, observe closely and really take ownership of your own part in each of these patterns. It doesn’t feel good to do this, especially with the negative patterns. We are a culture that likes to place blame elsewhere, but when we place the blame entirely on someone or something else, we lose agency. We may not be aware of it, but when we place all of the blame on entities outside of us, we are the ones putting our own selves in the ugly, hard, little victim seat in the corner, with nowhere else to go, but to sit and to pout.

Don’t be owned by the “unknown” parts of yourself. Be brave. Explore. You still have a good chunk of your life left to live. Do you want to keep continuing with unconscious patterns that are taking you to the same frustrations and toxicity, again and again? What about all of the good patterns in your life? Explore those, too. Become aware of the thoughts, habits, beliefs and actions that are bringing you to your highest level of living. Freedom is not being owned by anyone or anything. With full conscious awareness, you become free.

“In the second half of life, the questions become: ‘Who, apart from the roles you play, are you? What does the soul ask of you? Do you have the wherewithal to shift course, to deconstruct your painfully achieved identity, risking failure, marginalization and loss of collective approval?’ No small task.” – James Hollis

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Kia Ora

I love reading articles by Karen Nimmo. She’s a writer and a sports psychologist from New Zealand. She’s practical, sensible, no-nonsense, yet kind and humorous, as well. She says that when people come to her for issues in their lives, she’s noticed six universal cravings that almost all of us human beings seem to have, in order to create satisfactory lives. Karen Nimmo says that these are the six things that people crave the most:

  1. To Be Happy
  2. A Quiet, Calm Mind
  3. More Excitement
  4. More “me time”
  5. To Contribute to the Greater Good
  6. To be Loved

Do these resonate with you? Do you know what makes you happy? Do you know what calms you? What excites you? What would you do with more “me time” if you had it? What is your gift(s) that you bring to your communities and our world? Do you know just how deeply you are loved by many people?

These are good notions to ponder over the weekend. A new moon was just a couple of days ago. New moons are great times for fresh starts. What could you do to give yourself more of anything from the list above?

I will end with this:

Kia ora kou tou!! (this is a greeting that Karen Nimmo uses a lot. It is spoken by the Maori tribe in New Zealand and it is roughly translated as “Have Life! Be Healthy!”) Today Alan Cohen asked the question in his daily inspiration, “Are you letting life love you?” If you want to feel grateful, think of all of the times that life loved you, and took care of you, and made things alright, even at those times that you didn’t feel particularly lovable or worthy of love. Have Life! Be Healthy! Let life love you.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Let It Go (Again)

After my rant yesterday, you’ll be happy to know that I started my Zen meditation/art class yesterday and it was wonderful. And very much needed by me, at so many different levels. I think that the fun part of this empty nest stage in life is discovering yourself again. Surprising yourself about what intrigues you. Reminding yourself about what stirs your own inner core. You become your own major focus and project again, and in the beginning, it’s sort of a strange sensation. You almost feel a little shy and apprehensive, but you also feel a delightful curiosity and pleasure to get reacquainted with yourself. It’s like entering some place that you have been to long, long ago, but this time, you are seeing this place and visiting it again with “fresh eyes.” It’s almost like having a new puppy (or seeing glimpses of that “puppy” in your old dog self). Self discovery and rediscovery are the true blessings of the different stages of our lives.

I have written about “letting go” of outcomes, so many times on this blog, I think there are several dedicated pages and pages to the “letting go” topic. It seems to be one of those lessons in my own life that is going to keep on coming and coming and coming to me, until I finally “get it” and move on and let go . . . (ha!)

“If you hold on to the past (or even something in your present) too tightly, it will lead to anxiety and limit your perception of your options. Have faith in your ability to show up and cope with situations, even if they’re hard. Just because you don’t have evidence yet, doesn’t mean you’re not moving in the right direction.” – Jessica Lanyadoo

I like this reminder that I read yesterday. When you are holding on to your own limited sights and perceptions, and you hold on to what you want an outcome to be and believe that it should be, like a pitbull on a bone (and I am a stubborn old dog who is great at hanging on to my gnarly, rigid, well chewed on bones), you spend your present moments mired in anxiety and frustration and irritation. At this middle-aged stage of our lives, we’ve proven to ourselves, and to many others, the stones which we have to live life. We have gotten through at least 45+ years of life, and all of the ups and the downs and the surprises and the joys and the sorrows and the sweet stuff and the hard stuff and stuff that we never thought we could make it through, but we did. We did! We aren’t just survivors. We’re thrivers. So, word to me – “stubborn pitbull lady”, once you’ve done everything that is in your power to protect your bones, gather more bones, and enjoy your bones, it is then time to let some of them go. Bury the bones for later, or perhaps, for maybe never again. Just savor the bones that are fun to enjoy gnawing on in the present, and keep the faith that there will be more bones to enjoy in each coming day.

“Things don’t always go the way you planned. Fortunately.” – Anonymous

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Right Questions

The quote above doesn’t fully apply to what I am writing about today, but I heard it in a TED Talk while researching more about the subject that I am writing about today, and since I use my blog as a thought catalog for me, and also for anyone else who wants to use it that way, Reba’s quote is clearly “a keeper.” I understand that it is one of those wonderful Irish wisdoms that has been passed down for many generations.

What do I want to write about today? Asking the right questions. I was listening to a podcast the other day in which a life coach said that the biggest problem in her business is that rarely do people come to her, for help in their lives, asking the right questions. So that perked my ears, but then as podcasts do, the conversation meandered away and I never heard “the right answer” to asking the right questions. Obviously it is an important skill. If you look up “asking the right questions” on the internet you get a gazillion quotes from highly respected, successful people about why asking the right questions is so important:

“The wise man doesn’t give the right answers, he poses the right questions.” – Claude Levi-Strauss

“One of the many qualities that separate self-made billionaires from the rest of us is their ability to ask the right questions.” – Justine Musk

“Ask the right questions, and the answers will always reveal themselves.” – Oprah Winfrey

“To ask the right question is already half the solution of a problem.” – Carl Jung

“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on it, I would spend the first 55 minutes, determining the proper question to ask, for once I know the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than 5 minutes.” – Albert Einstein

There are many, many more quotes emphasizing the importance of asking “the right questions” which I could list here, but if you’re like me, these quotes just create undue stress. As I’m reading them, I’m thinking, “I get it. I get it. I totally agree! But how do you know how to ask the right questions??” The answer to that question (which I would put into the category of a “right question”), proved to be a lot more elusive than the emphasis of just how important it is to ask the right questions in life.

Stephen Graves, who also has a life coaching business, and writes a blog on LinkedIn recommends learning how to ask the right questions by starting with asking yourself these five main questions about your own life, and answering them in a journal:

  1. Where did I come from?
  2. Who am I?
  3. Why am I here?
  4. How should I live?
  5. Where am I going?

Interestingly, the key to answering these questions shown above, is also the key to learning how to ask the right questions about anything. When answering these questions, get really, really curious about your answers. We adults are sadly not nearly as curious as we were when we were children. We think that we already know all of the answers, or we dread appearing stupid or naive for not knowing something that we deem that we should know. When answering the questions above, let your natural curiosity and the open mind of your inner child, take over with more questions. Why did I answer the question that way? Are there other ways this question could be answered? In her TED Talk, Caroline Reidy says that the best philosophers/inventors/innovators in the history of recorded time, are always looking at problems and situations in their own lives, and in the world around them, with these questions in mind: What could be better? How can things be improved? Why is this particular problem not solved?

Pretend that your own answers to the questions listed above, about yourself, are magical. They don’t have to be “realistic”. Let your imagination take over completely. You are writing the answers just to yourself, in your journal. What have you got to lose? Keep your questions about your answers open to potential and possibilities and wonderment. Stay with your child-like mind. Don’t go straight to the negatives. Einstein also said this, “Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”

When answering the questions about yourself from above, it’s best to ask yourself open-ended questions that start with “Who? What? How?” which encourage you to add more to your answers. Don’t limit yourself. Be free and flourishing with your answers. Keep asking yourself, “And what else? And? And?” Write more and more and more . . . (Let your wrist get sore. This is in investment in YOU and your one and only life!)

In doing this exercise, you will see that asking yourself the questions, with curiosity, non-judgment and imagination, will get you to answers that are deep within yourself – sometimes surprising, interesting answers that maybe you didn’t even think were possible or worth considering. If you don’t like some of your answers, start asking yourself the questions of the greatest innovators: What could be better? How can things be improved? Why is this particular problem not solved?

A great mentor I had in my past would say that in order to help people, don’t give advice or commands. Ask them “the right” questions, in order to help them to get to their own answers and conclusions. It’s a really difficult skill to master. I’m so much better at spouting off-the-cuff advice and bossy commands (as others close their eyes, shut me out and doze off – rightfully so), but asking the right questions is one of the worthiest skills to aim for, because as so many smart people reiterate throughout the generations, asking the right questions is always the best way to get to the right answers.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday, September 11th

If there was any good that came out of that horrible, horrible day, it was that beautiful sense of connectedness with our fellow citizens, for weeks and months and maybe even a few years afterwards. If only we could use this day of remembrance to get back to prioritizing that deep feeling of compassion and unity, we would honor those who died in the highest way possible.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.