Tag: healthy

Thoughts for Thursday

+ I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating. Don’t question if something is normal. Instead ask the question, “Is this healthy?” Normal means “typical, standard, usual, expected,” according to the dictionary. Think about a lot of awful things that were once considered “normal.” Slavery. Smoking in airplanes. Women needing men to co-sign for loans. Lawn darts. . . . . The list goes on and on. Familiarity often breeds acceptance. When making decisions, plans, actions, always ask yourself, “Is this a healthy choice for me? Am I supporting something that is healthy?” Let “healthy” be your arbiter. “Normal” changes all of the time.

+ Joan Didion once said, “A writer is always selling somebody out.” I think this is the biggest struggle in writing. Even if you’re a novelist, you are still getting your ideas from observations and experiences from your real life. And your perception of things is your reality, even if others have a completely different perception. I never want to “sell anybody out.” Writing is my peace, not my weapon. It’s a fine line we writers walk. And now that there are so many forms of social media, I think that Joan Didion’s statement also applies. Kids can’t give their permission to air funny, embarrassing videos and antics. It’s a conundrum, for sure.

+ This is from a sign that I saw recently (it’s a good reminder. My grandmother used to always say “tend to your own knitting”): “Better worry about your own sins, ’cause God ain’t going to ask you about mine.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1714. Would you ever live in a treehouse?

Boundaries 101

Boundaries got brought up in a recent discussion with friends. “Boundaries” is a hot word/hot topic these days, but there is often a lot of confusion around what boundaries are, what they mean, and also how to enforce them, and also how to respect others’ boundaries. I didn’t get completely clear on my own boundaries, around a lot of things, until I was middle-aged. I think this is the case for a lot of people, particularly women. We are conditioned to be the “pleasers”, the soothers, the facilitators, the mediators, the givers. So, with all of that conditioning, creating boundaries seems “mean” to us, and impossible to erect.

What is a boundary? A boundary is a rule that you make for yourself about what you will and will not accept in your life. People often get confused that boundaries are about making strict rules for other people to follow, for their own comfort. For example, “You will not yell at me.” “You will eat all of your vegetables.” “You will not call me after 8 pm.”, etc. Those rules are fine, but people are people. People don’t always follow rules. It’s hard enough to control our own selves, let alone trying to control others. Instead of stating your boundaries as rules for other people to follow, you restate your boundaries as what you will and will not accept, in your own life’s experience. So, the above statements, stated not as rules, but as boundaries become: “I will not allow myself to be yelled at by anyone. I will physically leave any situation where I am being yelled at . . . ” “If you are my child, I expect you to eat all of your vegetables, and if you don’t, here are the consequences . . . .” “I will not accept calls after 8 pm and I will mute my phone.” (Notice the difference. Boundaries start with “I” statements. Rules start with “You”.)

Boundaries aren’t just with other people. You can have boundaries around food. “I don’t eat meat.” “I don’t eat dairy.” “I only eat desserts on special occasions.” You can have boundaries around everything that you do: what and how much you drink, how much TV/social media you consume, how and how much you exercise, what kinds of movies you will watch, how late you work, what time you go to bed regularly, etc. etc. Again, boundaries are rules that you that you make for yourself about what you will accept in your own life and what you will not accept in your own life.

On top of making your rules for yourself, you also get to decide to change these rules if you like. And you also get to decide how rigid or permeable your boundaries are in every facet of your life. All of this is in your control. It is your right (and one might argue, your necessity) as a living, breathing human being, to create and to enforce your boundaries. Sounds simple, right? Then why is it seemingly so hard for people to create and to enforce boundaries?

Simply put, we have a need to be liked and accepted. We have a need to be understood. We have been conditioned to be “polite and congenial.” We fear being perceived as “mean” or “selfish.” We fear losing people and relationships if we erect boundaries. We dread conflict. And thus, people who do not respect boundaries, will run roughshod all over our boundaries. We give our power away to people who don’t want us to have boundaries. These people will test us and manipulate us to change our boundaries, and unless we enforce them, our boundaries are decidedly pointless. We all dread this process, but it’s a good process. Once you get good at protecting and enforcing your own boundaries, you earn self-respect. You learn to trust yourself. You become your own best friend. Your need to be liked and agreed with, becomes a lot less important than your desire to be respected. If you lose someone because you protected your own boundaries, is this a person that is healthy to have in your life, anyway?

A big mistake a lot of us do when stating our boundaries is that we JADE. JADE is an acronym for justify, argue, defend and explain. Our boundaries are what is right for us. When we start JADE-ing, we weaken our boundaries. We are needing others to agree with our boundaries, in order to enforce them. No one on this Earth is going to like and agree with all of the boundaries that we make for ourselves. Let’s be honest, you don’t like or understand a lot of other people’s boundaries, and that’s okay. You don’t have to like other people’s boundaries, but you do have to respect them, because if a person is good at protecting their own boundaries, you will suffer consequences for crossing their boundaries. “This is what is right for me.” “This is what works for me.” “This is what I have to ability to offer at this time.” This is all the JADE-ing anyone of us ever has to state about our own boundaries. You came up with your boundaries for a good reason for yourself. (You already did a lot of JADE-ing with yourself, in order to decide your boundary in the first place. Trust that fact. No one knows what it is you need, and what is best for you, more than you. No one.) When you JADE, you start showing weakness in the belief of your own needs and protecting your own needs, and the people who don’t like your boundaries, will try to chip away at them, by arguing with you and employing tactics like guilt-trips and persuasion. Don’t open the door to this with JADE-ing in the first place.

The best thing you will ever do for yourself and your boundaries is to lose the need to be liked. If you respect and honor and protect your own boundaries, you will like yourself a lot. You will attract healthy people into your life, who respect your boundaries and respect their own boundaries. (People who have healthy boundaries, are trustworthy, direct and upfront, and are usually good about respecting other people’s boundaries.) You will trust yourself with your own boundaries, and thus you won’t feel as fearful or untrusting of others, because ultimately you know that you can trust yourself to take care of yourself, in a predictable, reliable, nurturing, protective manner. If you are consistent with your boundaries, you may not be liked by some (who would rather you didn’t have any boundaries, for their own sakes), but instead, you will be admired by many. By practicing the protection of your own boundaries, you will become stronger and calmer than you ever knew was possible. There is no better feeling than being able to love and trust yourself. When you get to this level of self-respect, you get really picky about who gets access to you anyway. The need to be “liked” by everybody falls way down the ladder, naturally.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2426. Have you ever bought anything after an infomercial? If so, what?

Two Questions to Erase

I wrote this post yesterday morning, because I knew that we would be out early for one of my daughter’s tennis events. After I wrote my post, I read this article/interview (see below). I continue to be in awe of the Zelenskys and all of the Ukrainian people. I love this quote from Olena Zelenska, the first lady of Ukraine, taken from the article and I just had to share it:

Madam First Lady, given everything that is going on, how are you and your family holding up?

“It’s like walking a tightrope: If you start thinking how you do it, you lose time and balance. So, to hold on, you just must go ahead and do what you do. In the same way, as far as I know, all Ukrainians hold on. Many of those who escaped from the battlefields alone, who saw death, say the main cure after the experience is to act, to do something, to be helpful for somebody. I am personally supported by the fact that I try to protect and support others. Responsibility disciplines.“

I think Olena Zelenska is spot on with this. I love the comparison to a tightrope. When you are in the middle of a ongoing crisis, I think the last thing you should do, is to get your head wrapped up in thinking about all of the details and “what ifs” and the extremes of the crisis which you are currently weathering. I always follow ODAT (One Day at a Time), and even sometimes, “one minute at at time” when I am going through something extremely difficult.

Here is the rest of the article. It is an excellent read:

https://www.cnn.com/2022/04/12/europe/olena-zelenska-ukraine-first-lady-amanpour-cmd-intl/index.html

And here is my original post for today:

“Intelligent people are those who agree with you.” – Alan Cohen

We all think that how we specifically think about things, or how we view things, is what is right. We know the right way of how to do everything. We know the right way for everybody to do life right. We are shocked when other people see things differently or don’t handle things the way we think they should (“should” being another troublesome word). Don’t these people know what is right? We see this again and again on political forums, where conservatives and liberals go in circles, trying desperately to prove to the others just how right they are about things. And of course, we watch these scenarios and we sigh, and we think to ourselves the old adage, “Would you rather be right, or be happy?” If we changed the question to “What is right for me?” we avoid the going around in the pointless circles. We save ourselves a lot of grief. And it is even better if we tweak the question to, “What is right for me, right now?” Because, as those of us who are in our second half of life have dearly learned, often what was right for us at one time, often changes to something different, down the line.

Now, you may think, “Well murder isn’t right. Most people agree with that statement.” Of course murder isn’t right. Or is murder right in self-defense? Is murder right during wartime? Is murder right when it comes to capital punishment? Is abortion murder? I don’t want to debate these questions here on my blog. This type of debate will never be the purpose of my blog. The point that I’m making is that “right” is a nebulous subject.

We belong to societies where the rules and laws are created and enforced either by force, imposed by a dictatorship (who has decided what is right for their subjects), or by a democracy, in which what is considered right and enforceable by laws and punishments, is determined by a majority. And these determinations often change over time. What was right for one era in time, no longer fits. (Look at how many states have legalized marijuana usage in recent years.)

Which brings me to the second question that we should remove from our vernacular. “Is this normal? This question is better asked in this way, “Is this healthy?” In years past, it was normal for smokers to smoke in their cars with their windows rolled up. So what if this was “normal”? We all know that smoking, in any condition, is not healthy. This is much like the old question so many of us heard from our parents growing up, “If everyone was jumping off a bridge, would you do it, too?” It might have been normal for all of our teenage friends to be “jumping off bridges”, but is “jumping off bridges” healthy? In short don’t worry about being “normal”, worry about being “healthy.”

In the natural world, there are no definitions of what is right or wrong, or good or bad, or even normal or healthy. In the natural world, you do an action and there are consequences to your actions. It is as simple as that, and not really complicated at all. If you walk in front of a raging bull, you are likely to get trampled. Even if you are a moral vegan and you have never, ever eaten one bite of beef, if the bull is angry and you are in his way, you will get trampled. And you might think, “Wow, that wasn’t right for that bull to trample me! I’m a vegan and a champion of animal rights!” And nature replies, “A bull is a bull. Getting trampled is a natural consequence of getting in front of a raging bull.”

The beauty of tweaking these two pointed questions in your life, is that you get to decide what is right and healthy for you, with the understanding that you will bear the consequences of any of these decisions that you choose to make. You get to choose what you do, but you do not get to choose how people react to what you do, nor do you get to choose what other people think or do in their lives. You do not need others to decide for you, nor to validate your choices of what is right and healthy for you to do. You don’t need anyone’s permission to live what you deem to be a rightful and a healthy life. And they don’t need your permission or validation, to live what they see to be right or healthy for themselves. In short, as my grandmother loved to preach, it is best to “tend to your own knitting.”

Anytime you are stuck in a quandary these are your best “go-to” questions to ask yourself. “In this situation, what is the right thing for me to do, for me, right now? And secondly, “Is what I am doing a healthy choice for me?” Trust that these are the only questions that you are responsible to answer for, which will bring about various consequences for yourself, and for your own life. The rest of it all, is not yours to concern yourself about, and is out of your control anyway. Save yourself undue grief. Don’t have concern about being “right” or “normal”. Follow your own intrinsic moral code, and make healthy choices, and you will do just fine.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fodo

I just finished an excellent book called, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Tawwab is a relationship therapist and the premise of her book is that almost all relationship issues (marital, family, friends, work, etc.) are related to our inabilities to create, and to enforce good boundaries for ourselves. Tawwab believes that the number one reason why people do not create and enforce personal boundaries, all stems from the fear of feeling “guilt.”

No one likes to feel “guilt”. It’s one of those negative emotions that feels like it is going to eat you alive. Guilt is one of those sickenly atrocious feelings that remind you of just how deep and unrelenting your feelings can be. Still, guilt is just a feeling, and if we don’t avoid our feelings, or deny our feelings, or ruminate in them, feelings pass, and often, fleetingly. When Tawwab suggests to one of her clients to place a boundary in a relationship, such as requiring people to call before showing up at their house, or to not call after 7 pm, she says that inevitably, her clients ask her how to place and how to enforce these boundaries without feeling “guilt.” Tawwab matter-of-factly tells them, “You will feel guilt. Do it anyway.” Tawwab then uses the analogy of the excitement we feel, the few days before we are going on a vacation. We still go about doing our daily duties, with the excitement still there, brimming in the background. “Excitement” is a feeling, just like “guilt” is a feeling, but we don’t have to let our feelings engulf us and/or put us in a frozen, catatonic state that stops us from living our lives.

Just like many other languages (other than English), have a lot of different words for “love”, I believe that we also need different words for “guilt.” Appropriate guilt is good. When we have done something, or we have said something, that goes against our own moral code (purposely, or even unintentionally), and this action has caused pain to ourselves and/or to others, the guilt that we feel helps to steer us on, to changing our behavior and to making amends. Feeling appropriate guilt is what separates most of us, from the few sociopathic and psychopathic people in our midsts. Feeling guilt is an appropriate response for having done something wrong. It is a natural navigational feeling to steer us back “on course”.

However, I think what we more commonly feel on a regular basis, is an inappropriate guilt, based on the erroneous idea that we are responsible for other people’s feelings and happiness. Even though the physical feelings are often identical, appropriate guilt is much different than what I am going to call, FODO (fear of disappointing others). Since the feelings are so similar in our bodies, when we are feeling “guilt”, the key question to ask ourselves is, “What did I do wrong?”

If I run a stop sign, and I cause a rear end collision, I will feel appropriate guilt. What did I do wrong? I ran a stop sign. (intentionally or unintentionally, I did it) I will apologize, I will give my insurance information, and I will take steps to be more careful when I am driving. The guilt will dissipate by me taking these actions. On the other hand, if my friend wants me to go out to eat with her, and I say no because I am tired, or I just don’t feel like it, or I would rather do something else, and she acts disappointed, I may feel those feelings that we tend to lump together under the heading of “guilt”. However, what I am really feeling, in this particular situation, is FODO (fear of disappointing others). What did I do wrong by saying “no” to my friend? Nothing. If she is feeling disappointed, that’s for her to work through. She has the right to feel disappointed or whatever feelings she feels, but her feelings are not my responsibility to change. And at the same token, it is not my friend’s responsibility to alleviate me of my feelings of “guilt” (FODO).

We don’t like to hurt the people whom we love. Honestly, we don’t like to hurt anyone in general. We fear disappointing others, because we fear losing them, or we fear being judged by them. But if the only way to keep a relationship with someone, is to constantly be doing things that don’t feel right for us, is this really a healthy relationship worth fostering in the long term? Is this really a healthy, authentic, growing, true relationship for either party involved?

Sometimes we do things that we aren’t completely excited about, out of our love for other people, and we do these things because it makes us happy to see them happy. When we choose to do these things, our motivation is primarily out of love, and not out of obligation, or to avoid feeling “guilt.” If I watch a football game with my husband, it may not be my first choice of things to do, but I enjoy being with him, and I like to participate in his interests sometimes. However, if I watched football games with him, all of the time, because I felt obligated to do it, for fear of losing my relationship with him, or to avoid some other negative consequence (such as him being angry or grumpy or aloof, etc.) than soon, my feelings would turn to resentment. The saying goes, “Choose guilt over resentment any time. Resentment is a slow burning soul killer.”

One of my wisest mentors once told me emphatically, “Never “should” on yourself.” Question every “should” that comes up in your mind. Is this “should” in your life something that you honestly believe, or is this “should” something that has been conditioned in you, or imposed upon you, by your family, or by your friends, or by society in general? It is a wise practice to take inventory of your own personal “shoulds” on a regular basis. Are you spending your holidays how you would like to spend them? Are you living where you would like to live? Do you belong to clubs and churches and activities and political parties and schools, that speak to your most intuitive self, and reflect your own personal interests and beliefs? Do you wear your hair in a style and a color that appeals to you? Do you wear clothes that appeal to you, and best reflect your true self? Do you keep work hours that feel right and fair to you? Does your work fulfill you in more than just a monetary sense? Are the people who you spend the most time with, your healthiest, most fulfilling relationships? Do you feel the need to hide parts of yourself, such as your sexuality, or your beliefs, or your hobbies, or your past, in fear of being judged or shamed? Do you go to restaurants, and see movies, and drive cars, and take trips, and read books that you like, or are your choices more a reflection on what “others would think”? Do you live an authentic life, or is your motivation primarily to impress or to please others (which, as we all know, is a futile, pointless endgame)? On the other hand, do you try to manipulate others with “shoulds” (and thus help to create fake, empty relationships filled with resentment and based on obligation), with the false, impossible idea that others are responsible for, and are somehow capable to create your own long term happiness, for you?

If a lot of your answers to these questions, made you realize just how much of your own life is being run by “shoulds” that ring false to you, or you realize that a lot of your life decisions are made, in order to avoid feeling FODO (fear of disappointing others), let this be your wake-up call. FODO won’t kill you. Resentment will. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your own happiness. These rules apply to everyone else, too. Once we are adults, everyone is responsible for their own selves. We were each given an incredibly unique and rare set of circumstances in order to experience a life that no one else has ever lived, nor will ever live again. Do not cheat yourself nor swindle Creation, by not being true to your own aspirations and insights and goals and lessons. Do not let something as trifling as a passing feeling (FODO), stop you from living your life to its fullest, deepest, most meaningful experience. When you take responsibility for your own life and happiness by being true to yourself with all of your decisions, those who truly love you, could never be disappointed. To see you shine in your truest, healthiest, most authentic glory will be a gift of inspiration to others, to do the same thing for themselves. And when that happens, we are all so much better off for it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

NOT Normal

It took me until my second half of adulting to really understand the distinction between “normal” and “healthy”. I used to constantly question things that I was doing or feeling with this type of question, “Is it normal for me to feel this way?” A very wise person once said to me, “Normal is not the same thing as healthy.” A lot of things and ways of being that we consider “normal” in society are not necessarily “healthy.” When you put it in the context of history books, this becomes much more obvious. I wasn’t feeling all that great over the weekend. My sinuses are showing me no mercy, so I sat on the couch, rested and binge-watched The Feud (excellent, by the way), based on the rilvary of the now deceased movie stars, Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. The amount of smoking, drinking and calling female workers “honey/sweetie/babycakes” which was clearly more of the norm back then, obviously wasn’t healthy for any of the parties involved.

I think that this is a great thing to ponder as I start the new year. When I start questioning if something is “normal”, I am getting myself into the fruitless comparison game. When I start questioning what is “healthy” for me, I am keeping the focus on what is best for me and my circumstances. Healthy is a good goal. “Normal” is nebulous and subjective and ever-changing. What is healthy for me is already programmed into my DNA if I get quiet enough to listen to my body, my inner voice, and my deepest longings. “Normal” is noisy, opinionated and tries to control me by outside sources.

“It may be normal, darling; but I’d rather be natural.” – Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany’s