Empathy Machines

Before I get to what I really want to write about today, this:

Reading is an empathy-generating machine.” – Dr. Vivek Murthy

Isn’t this the truth? When we are having conversations, we are typically taking turns waiting to talk. Our conversations have a tendency to veer off-topic. But when you are reading, it’s just you and the words which you are reading. And written words tend to be more soulful, more thought-out, more vulnerable, more honest than everyday conversations. Reading really helps you to understand how someone else feels about their experiences. Empathy is being able to answer the question: “How do you think this makes me feel?” for someone else, other than yourself. Reading gives you time to absorb and to understand the words, and to make conclusions about the words, without getting defensive or argumentive or confused. I absolutely love to read and empathy is a wonderful by-product of reading.

And also before I get to what I really want to write about today, this:

Credit: @woofknight, X

“Oh to have impacted someone so much that they find bits of your soul and hold the memory of you in things and places when you’re not around.” Isn’t this a beautiful part of the human experience? Isn’t it wonderful to have people (and pets) in your life who come to mind often, even when they are not around. And isn’t it also great to be the person who someone is reminded of, when they see or experience certain things? These are the types of aspects of living life, that my soul crushes on, hard.

Okay, finally to what I planned to write about today:

Yesterday, our youngest son called me around 11 am. And my heart fell to the floor. I knew that my son was at work, my kids rarely call me (texting is king), and also, he has epilepsy. Thankfully my son was fine, but he was letting me know that he had just gotten an emailed letter stating that his longtime neurologist/epitologist’s practice was no longer taking my son’s health insurance.

This was the final push, which we have long-known was coming, to force us to go about finding my son a new practioner. His neurologist is getting close to retirement age, he practices in a town three hours from where our son lives, and he is technically a Pediatric Neurologist. Our son turns 24 at the end of the year.

Already I have a lump in my throat, writing this. Our son was 14 when he was diagnosed with epilepsy. He started with the small seizures called “absence seizures” or “petit mal” seizures which had probably been going on longer than we think. I often thought that my son was ignoring me or distracted with daydreaming, which I know is not out of the realm of things that teenage boys do. (he has two older brothers) However, the summer that he was diagnosed with epilepsy, our daughter and I picked him up from a summer camp (where he had gotten very little sleep) and my son’s disjointed, disorganized, “filled with stalls and stares and pauses” stories about the camp made it clear that something just wasn’t right. Later that night, I found some videos of children having absence seizures on “YouTube” and my stomach filled with dread. I took our son to our beloved pediatrician the next day only to have him confirm my fears, and to quickly recommend one of the best pediatric neurologists in town.

It took a long while to see Dr. W. He had quite the waiting list of people from in town, and from out town, who wanted to consult with him. We went to see his younger associate first, and while this young man was fresh out of medical school, and was eager and obviously brilliant, he spoke entirely too fast, and too matter-of-factly, to parents who were quickly coming to terms that life as we had all known it, had come to an end, and a big change was in store for our family. We decided to wait for an appointment with the heralded Dr. W, to see what he had to say about our son’s condition.

I quickly understood why Dr. W was so popular with his patients (and all of the medical staff). He was kind, down-to-Earth, patient to answer all of the questions and challenges that I was peppering him with, and he took a genuine interest in our son, outside of his epilepsy. It turns out that Dr. W had grown up in a farm town, and he took an interest in studying neurology because he had an uncle with epilepsy who chose never to get it treated. (This uncle would often ride around on large tractors, to the dismay of his family.)

Over the years, we have had many ups and downs with our son’s epilepsy. Epilepsy is tricky because it is treated with heavy-duty brain medication, with heavy-duty side effects, and these medications work differently, with each individual and they can stop working as one’s body changes. There is not a “one medication fits all” situation with epilepsy. There are always more questions than answers with any condition involving the brain. Currently, what is thankfully keeping ours son’s seizures at bay, are three different medications, taken two times a day. Some people with epilepsy can never keep their seizures at bay. We are lucky. This I know. I have never been more grateful for anything else in my life. It took us a long time, and a lot of scary moments with our son having many major seizures, to finally get to this combination that currently works for him. And all of the while, Dr W. did everything in his power to support us, but more importantly, to support our son, as we went through this long process of finding meds with the least side effects, that still stopped the seizures. Dr. W cared for our son throughout high school, throughout college, and throughout starting his sales career in his young adulthood. Dr. W has been a constant in our son’s sometimes otherwise unpredictable experiences.

My son was an easy patient. His mother was not. I was a totally desperate, semi-hysterical, pain-in-the-ass, many, many times. (I’m pretty sure that my son and Dr. W probably have some private jokes about his neurotic mother who thinks she knows everything due to her intimate relationship with Dr. Google, and do you know what? I effing love Dr. W for this fact. Dr. W always made our son feel nothing less than a totally normal, awesome guy with an unfortunate affliction which we were going to find a way to control. Usually Dr. W spent the appointments more focused on these sincere questions: “What did our son think about that game last night? Whose our son dating now? How’s school going? Who can I reach out to at the DMV, to let them know that it is now safe for you to drive?”)

When you are going through something tough in life, you are never alone. God sends angels. They are usually in human form. Dr. W will always be one of these “angels on Earth” for me, and for my family. Always. He took “bedside manner” to a down home, yet ethereal form.

So yesterday, with my voice cracking, I told my son that he should reach out to Dr. W for a recommendation of whom he should go to now, for treatment of his epilepsy. The time that we long knew was coming, has now come. Thank you Dr. W, for everything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, from the bottom of the deepest wells of my heart. I am a grateful witness and recipient, to you living a well-purposed life.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

938. What is the most beautiful city in the world?

Your Masterpiece

I got back to art class yesterday, after a few weeks off for Christmas break. It was great to be back. I painted the little guy above as sort of a “warm up”. I thought that I would share him with you. He makes me smile.

The best part of getting older is coming to the proven realization that the end product of anything truly doesn’t matter. The real joy always comes in the doing, in the process, in the flow. Yes, a successfully grown family, business, career, marriage, homestead, project, craft etc. can give you a sense of satisfaction and pride and maybe even some accolades, but those feelings are such a small blip of feelings versus the myriad of feelings and experiences that go into the process of forming and building and creating and experiencing all of the works of your life. There’s peace in this realization. Your life is your main product. And it doesn’t end, until you end. And none of us really know what “when you end” means, if we are honest with ourselves. We all have beliefs and hopes, but none of us truly know the mysteries of what happens to us after we die. So, in the meantime, we are living our ongoing creative product – our lives. And this product is a collaboration with the entire world around us. Our main creative product, our individual life, has the support of the whole entire world which only benefits when our creative product brings more individuality and beauty and imagination and our own uniqueness that is unrepeatable, to the whole of it.

I’m a middle-age, empty nester who is attending art class for the fun of it. I’m not graded. My output doesn’t matter. It’s even okay if I don’t particularly enjoy my art class on any given day. If I spill some paint, so what? If I never frame my art, who cares? The joy is in the doing. The joy is in the exploring. The joy is in the accepting. The joy is in the gratefulness for the experience – every bit of it.

Your life is your only creative product. Everything else that you do is part of that product. Be joyful in “doing” your life. Explore. Accept the messiness and the so-called flaws of it all. Mostly, be grateful for having the experience of being able to create your one and only masterpiece, and also be utterly grateful for all of the wonderful beings who are co-creating with you. If our world isn’t a creative masterpiece of miracles, than what is?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

583. Do you prefer blue or black inked pens?

It Bears Repeating

Hi friends. I slept in. I am fatigued. This year has been full of big changes for our own family and for those whom we love, and I think that this is all catching up on me right now. So, in conservation of time and energy, I am going to reprint one of my more popular blog posts which tends to trend at this time of year (which is fitting!). Here it is:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the comfort food of holidays. Thanksgiving is warm slippers, a hot mug of coffee, non-glitzy, down-to-earth, deep sigh of relief, wholesome goodness. Thanksgiving is a cozy, fuzzy blanket, wonderful smells wafting in the air, the fading beautiful colors of a summer well spent. Thanksgiving is easy laughter, easy going energy, a building of anticipation of a fabulous feast and an exciting holiday season ahead. Thanksgiving marks the start of the end of a year. It is the awards show of the year, where the award receivers are looking back at all which the year has brought to them, and thanking everything and everyone who deserves to be thanked for helping to get the award receivers to this point of evolution and elevation in their own lives. Thanksgiving is the joy of a parade, the celebration of man’s best friend, and the communion and camaraderie of fans of the same teams. Thanksgiving is the reminder that there are few feelings better than the overwhelming reassurance of all of our blessings constantly provided to us. Gratefulness is probably the largest ingredient of love, and Thanksgiving makes this fact abundantly clear.

As I say (and I feel deeply) every year, thank you friends and readers for supporting and being a vital part of my blog. I love this blog and so by extension, I love you all. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now go get going on your turkey . . . . . See you tomorrow!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thank You, Thank You!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Happy Thanksgiving! I am incredibly grateful for this blog and I am so thankful for each of you, my faithful readers. A blog without readers is just a personal journal, and I already have a few of those. To feel a responsibility and a desire to write this blog every single morning, has been a Godsend for me. This has been particularly evident to me in the last few months, with my son’s epileptic seizures flaring up. They say that the person who saves you, is always you. If that’s the case, then the deepest part of me, who has the inclination to spill out my soul on this blog, is what saved me this fall. Thank you for being there to help me to sort out all of the pieces of my fragile heart during these last few months. Things are definitely looking up. We are making it to the other side of our family’s most frightening experience, and I feel you holding my hand through it all. Thank you for your interest, your kindness, your caring, your attention and your loyalty. I am immensely thankful for you, my readers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One of the more popular posts which I have ever written on my blog is trending again. This is the right time for it. Happy Thanksgiving. Here is the post:

Capeless Heroes

Image

I don’t have the right words today. I have so many large emotions swirling all around my mind and my body. I tend to lash out angrily when I don’t have my balance. I don’t want to do that on my blog. It isn’t helpful.

Here’s what I’m grateful for today: my faith in an all-powerful, all-wise God/Universe, my family and our health, my friends, being in my comfortable home, the beautiful sunshine, our dedicated health workers and first responders and scientists and business heads and all of the world’s leaders tasked with helping us to find the quickest and safest path out of this mess (I’m hating having to make the “bad guy” decisions like scrapping vacation plans and telling my middle son that he can’t see his girlfriend (of 3+ years), until she is home and quarantined for 14 days. I can’t imagine the stress and pain and uncertainty our leaders are feeling, as they make difficult, overwhelming decisions on a daily basis), music, nature, swinging around in my daughter’s hammock, being able to face-time our eldest son, our dogs, fish and guinea pigs, wild birds, grass, kindness (I read a story about a quarantined single mom and kids in Norway who reached out on social media, and asked strangers to make her kids’ birthdays special, while quarantined, by sending them birthday cards. They have been inundated with greeting cards from all over the world, some of them artistic master pieces!), soap (luckily I’ve always been a soap hoarder, because I love great smelling soap), on-line capabilities for work, school and shopping, delivery people, coffee, learning to appreciate home-cooked family meals again, candles, a less-packed calendar, people keeping their sense of humor during difficult times, watching the wind mildly shake the palms, water, the rough times which I have gone through, before in my life, that have helped me to keep perspective, to be more even-keeled and less anxious now . . . . .

What are you grateful for today? Please tell me in the Comments section. Love, peace, serenity. Good juju. I’m sending it all to you.

The Lesson of an Elderly YouTuber

I read a beautiful story this morning about an elderly YouTuber. He loves to post videos about his gardening. In December, he decided to create individual “thank you” videos to each and every one of his subscribers. He had almost 2,000 subscribers, so that act was daunting, in itself. Now he has 897,000 followers because the story of his gratitude has gone viral.

Why is it so hard for us to express our gratitude when there is such a hunger for it in this world? I think that is why we love our pets so much. Every day, my husband has gotten up and gone to work to support our family for almost 25 years and who in the family is the most excited and thrilled and thankful to see him when he comes home every evening? – Our dogs.

I have told you before, readers, and I want to say it again. Thank you so much for supporting my blog. I look at the numbers of it every day. I question myself and my motives when I do this. Is it an ego thing? There is an element of that to it, I am sure. As much as I would like to be, I’m not above having an ego. I am human. But there is a bigger part of me, who is so grateful for the connection. When I see people have taken their precious time in their days to spend some time reading my blog, that means something. It is a gift to me and it makes me feel heard, understood and appreciated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for that.

Every one of us has had a myriad of people who have helped get us to where we are today. Our families, our friends, our teachers, our preachers, our bosses, the authors of the books we have read, the actors of the shows we’ve watched, and even the jerks whose actions have taught us to stand up for ourselves, are all precious beings who have played a part in our own individual “becoming.” Why is gratitude for this in such scarcity, that 800,000 people would join a stranger’s YouTube channel, in hopes for an individual, sincere “thank you”? Honestly, we should be living our lives in the spirit of gratitude. We aren’t in this thing called Life alone and not one of us would be where we are today if it weren’t for the precious gifts of the other people sharing our experience. We aren’t living in a vacuum.

I had a college professor who loved to proclaim that once a certain level of material needs are met, people don’t work for money. As young, foolish college students, we would snicker at this proclamation. He would tell us that if we were to become successful in life, we would have to understand that people have a real need to be appreciated. Why does it sometimes take until middle age or maybe even older, to fully realize this? If we feel a hungering for appreciation, why would it be any different for any other being sharing the experience of Living Life?

I wonder what it would be like to sincerely express thankfulness to everyone who touches our lives today. To actually look them in the eye, without a phone connected to our ears, and to truly show how grateful we are for the part they are playing in our Life’s experience. I wonder if that feeling of gratitude might almost be overwhelming. Perhaps that may be the reason why we avoid the act of gratefulness as much as we do – to the point that it has become a real rarity. I don’t know, but I am mustering up the courage to give it a try. It will probably be wonderful.