Tag: Glennon Doyle

Let’s Have Fun!

I’ve touched on this topic earlier this month in the blog, in a post entitled “Unstuck”, but I think the theme bears repeating. We need to have more fun. We need to allow ourselves to have fun, even before everything gets “done.” Because everything that needs to get “done” will never, ever be completely finished. I once read that we are all going to die with our inboxes full. Facts.

Last night, I was out to eat with some of my dearest friends (first time in long, long while) and we were all discussing this matter of allowing ourselves to have more lightness, and joy, and fun. Instead of resenting others for having their own fun, we have to take over the reins and make sure that we are putting enough leisure and relaxation into our own schedules. Unfortunately, around the time of this particular discussion, the evening got cut short, as one of my friends got an intense, scary and sudden case of indigestion. This put us all into a frantic tizzy. Fully realizing that we aren’t anywhere near our twenties anymore, we didn’t do the old, “roll her over on her side, kiss her on the cheek, tell her that she’ll be fine, and head back out for a nightcap” routine. Instead, we all camped out at her house, stared at her frantically, questioning her about her symptoms every six seconds, reassuring each other that we didn’t need to head to the ER, because at our ages, indigestion can sometimes mimic heart issues. (I am sure that my friend was more than ready for us to leave her alone, when we all finally felt reassured that she was fine, and bid her adieu for the evening. Thankfully, my friend feels much better this morning, kindly answering all of our frantic, thinly veiled “good morning” texts.)

It struck me that this incident actually put an exclamation point on our discussion which we had been having about allowing ourselves to have more fun. Lately, my aging has come into much more acute focus for me. I turned fifty in December. In these last few years, I have witnessed some of my more elderly relatives and friends, suffer some very serious health issues. If I am lucky, and I take good care of myself, I may have about 30-40 more years to really experience the free, exciting fullness of life. I don’t have any time to waste. Do I really want 90-95% of that time left in my life to be spent making sure all of the solemn chores, duties, and responsibilities are “done”? Does perhaps merrymaking and entertainment deserve a little bit more than a mere 5-10 percent of my daily life?

My friend, the one who is thankfully feeling better this morning, texted that the author, Glennon Doyle, was on Good Morning America today, promoting her podcasts. She said that her next podcast will be on the topic of “Fun.” Glennon Doyle said that so many of us are juggling so many different roles in our lives, trying to keep the machine of our lives fully functioning, that we are forgetting to add the element of “fun and enjoyment” to the equation, which really is what keeps the machine of our lives, all greased up.

Earlier this morning I was reading an article about “cave syndrome”, which is the name given to the new phenomenon of people being afraid to re-enter society and normalcy, after what we have gone through this past year with the pandemic, despite being fully vaccinated and well. “Cave Syndrome” seems to be a subset of agoraphobia, not based on rational thinking, but instead, it is a form of being stuck in our fears and our past trauma. And a fair amount of people seem to be suffering from it. Yikes. Cave Syndrome does not bode well for free-wheeling fun.

I read a quote this morning by Larry Eisenberg that says this: “For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the Universe.” I think a lot of us need this reminder, especially us women. A lot of us have the tendency to take on a lot of other people’s worries, duties, responsibilities, feelings, etc. to the detriment of ourselves, and to the detriment of others, and to the detriment of our relationships with ourselves and with others. We aren’t the general manager of the Universe. Some Being who is much more powerful and omniscient than us, has faithfully got the wheel. And that Some Being really enjoys experiencing, and seeing us at frolic and play, the most, out of all of everything that we do.

Don't forget that you always have choices in life-even the choice to have FUN and ENJOY LIFE! | Quotes about having fun, Time flies quotes, Best quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Way Showers

I went to an “event” yesterday and I actually woke up feeling like I have things to write about. When you actually go and do things, you end up having stories to experience and then, stories to tell. Life felt a little “normal” again, for the first time in a long time, yesterday.

Yesterday the “event” that I attended, was my daughter’s first high school tennis match, of the season. And she won it. But it was a complete nail biter. She was down 3-6, came back 7-6, but then she and her very worthy competitor, ended up tying 8-8. They had to play a tie breaker, which my entirely exhausted daughter ended up winning, 11-9. My nails are bloody nubs. When the match was finally over, I was reminded of the author Glennon Doyle’s most famous quote, “We can do hard things.” I told my daughter what I liked best about her victory, was that she will always have the memory of it, in her back pocket. When she is struggling with any difficult situation in her life, she can think back to this moment, and know for a fact, that she is full of fortitude, perseverance, and calmness under pressure. She can do hard things. She has proven it to herself.

Yesterday’s tennis match wasn’t exactly “normal.” We have good winter weather here in Florida, therefore the matches are held outside. There was no communal snack table, no hugging, no high fives, nor any handshakes after the matches. Each competing duo was handed a fresh can of balls before their games. I was starkly reminded that it was during tennis season last year, when the reality of the coronavirus pandemic was truly setting in for all of us. At the last high school tennis match which I attended (in March of 2020), the coach told the players that the rest of the season had been cancelled. He also told them, that after spring break, they were not likely coming back to school. Unfortunately, he was right.

While I was at the match yesterday, I also partook in one of my other vices – eavesdropping. I have mentioned on the blog before that I like to eavesdrop. I am not proud of that fact, but I own it. As I was watching my daughter play, I overhead a group of high school girls talking. One girl said, “I have this condition called ‘anxiety’.” That statement started a chorus of statements: “Anxiety! Oh yes, I have that! My therapist says I have that, too. I hate anxiety. I can’t sleep! I can’t drive.”

Wow. At that moment I wanted to run over and group hug all of them. But of course, I couldn’t do it, because 1.) Covid and 2.) I was eavesdropping, which is a rude and hurtful thing to do. So, I just sat in my deserved little cloud of sadness, and I reflected a little bit. And I thought about the blog that I was going to write today.

I would like to pretend that these girls’ anxiety issues were all concerning this awful pandemic, which has a lot of us people, all wound up in tight little balls, these days, but I would be lying to myself. Quite honestly, I am sure that I could have overheard that conversation, at any time during all of the years which my children have been in high school, starting around the year 2010. Three of my middle son’s classmates committed suicide in high school. My daughter’s class just lost a classmate to suicide a couple of months ago. I know for a fact that my own children experience anxiety. I’ve witnessed it, first hand.

I believe life is mostly meant to be savored and enjoyed. I truly do. But do I live that? Am I an example of that? Do I model a life that is mostly “peace and joy”? Do I take any responsibility for my own peace and joy, or do I act as if I am a victim of circumstance? These are hard questions. The answers are hard to face sometimes.

Over the years, the women before us have fought hard for the rights which we women have today, such as the right to vote, to serve in the military, and to become vice president of the United States. It is easy to take these gifts for granted. In our “Declaration of Independence”, we were all promised the right to “the pursuit of happiness.” The women before us, worked hard and tirelessly, to make sure that we women had the equal right to “the pursuit of the happiness.” Are we doing our part in that quest?

I believe that happiness is a by-product of what we do. Is what I am doing on a daily basis bringing me happiness? Do my relationships with the others in my life, bring me happiness? Does my relationship with myself bring me happiness? Am I living to my own standards, or am I trying to live to the impossible standards of “fake world” as depicted on social media? Do I have a strong connection with my spirituality, a faith that makes me feel whole, not one that separates me from others with the sense that I am “holier than thou”?

Why are these questions important? They are important because I am a model to my daughter, and I am a model to your daughters and to your granddaughters, and to that beautiful group of girls, discussing, in earnest, their shared condition of anxiety. Kids listen to what we do, not what we say. Kids are excellent at honing in on hypocrites. After raising four almost grown children, and having made many an eloquent lecture (that I myself, was pretty impressed with), I learned that those loquacious words fell mostly on deaf ears, especially if I wasn’t walking my talk.

What are we modeling to the women of the future, friends? If I am honest, that group of girls, could have easily been me, and any one of my group of friends, in any of my various stages of my life. And that’s okay. It’s good to have friends to lean on for support. But it is also good to have friends to savor life with. It is good to have friends to laugh with, and to sit with, in awe of the pure beauty of each other, our friendships, and of the incredible, nature all around us. What are we modeling to the women of the future? “Don’t feel anxiety, girls, but I just changed my outfit fifteen times, because I feel so insecure about how I look. Don’t feel anxiety, girls, but it is important that you look lovely, have a great job, raise amazing kids (because if they aren’t amazing, it is all your fault), and sustain a romantic, exciting, successful marriage through it all. And if any of these areas of life are faltering, I judge myself mercilessly. But please don’t feel anxiety, girls. Seriously, life is fun, once you are doing a perfect job at getting good grades at school, getting into a good college with an athletic scholarship, landing a cute boyfriend who treats you well, and still being able to fit into your skinny jeans. Then, you can be just like “me.” Isn’t life fun? Why do you have anxiety, girls?”

Our daughters, our nieces, our granddaughters, our friends’ daughters will learn to have less anxiety, when we are the way showers of life lived with less anxiety. Our daughters will practice self-care, self-acceptance, and self-love, when we are the way showers of self-care, self-acceptance and self-love. Our daughters, our women of the future, will learn to have meaningful, purposeful, interesting lives of love and wonder and peace and calm, when we show them that this is possible. Our young women of the future will learn to love and to savor themselves, and to savor the very act of just experiencing life, when we teach them that they are lovable just because of who they are, not for what they do. When we show our girls, that life is a wonderful journey to be experienced in awe, in hope, in joy, in peace, and in exhilaration, our example gives them permission to live life the way it was meant to be lived. Will they still experience some anxiety? Of course. We all will. Anxiety is a part of life. But it can be a small footnote. Anxiety can mostly be experienced as a flutter in our stomachs, as a sign of exciting things to come. And let’s remember, when we are living in the fullness of the gift of just experiencing the astonishing miracle of living a human life on Earth, anxiety is easily noticed and then it is just as easily let go, as nothing more than a passing sensation.

Think of a young woman whom you love with all of your heart. Think of how joyful you want this young woman to feel, most days of her life. What does that look like? Do want her to think that she has to have a Louis Vuitton purse, work in a job which she hates, to make the money to purchase that purse, have her stay in toxic relationships that make her feel terrible, just for the sake of having relationships, and to spend hours of her precious life, photo shopping her real life into a fake online picture, to make her life appear “perfect”? Is this what we believe will bring our future young women happiness? What are we modeling to the women of the future, friends? Let’s choose to be the way showers of the wisdom we have obtained. Love and happiness is an inside job. Life is mostly meant to be enjoyed. Savor life. You don’t have to win at it. There is nothing “to win.” Life and love is given to you freely. Happiness is yours, as a by-product of doing and experiencing what uniquely brings you joy. You are an important piece of this tapestry called Life, and so is everyone else. You know this fact. I know this fact. Let’s live it. Let’s be the way showers to our young women. Let’s make the path easier and lighter and brighter for our young women, as it was made easier for us, by the mighty women who came before us. Let’s let anxiety become a barely noticeable footnote, in the otherwise amazing adventure of living Life. It will be good for our future girls. It will be good for us. Let’s be purposeful in our duty. Let’s be Way Showers.

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Lucky Spot

“Privilege is being born on third base. Ignorant privilege is thinking you are there because you hit a triple. Malicious privilege is complaining that those staring outside the ballpark aren’t waiting patiently enough.” – Glennon Doyle

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading is one of my most favorite activities in the world and one of the silver linings to this whole social distancing thing, is that it gives me an excuse to do a lot more reading. I honestly consider reading to be an enormous part of writing. You get a level of intimacy with writers that you wouldn’t get with the average Joe who you meet on the street. Writers and other artists give you deep intimacy, outside of your own intimate circles. Creatives share their fragile, bared souls with strangers.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a particularly political person. I really want this blog to mostly be a sharing of what it is like for me to be in this “cocoon” stage of life, in between Act I and Act II of my adulthood. Hopefully, by writing this blog, I selfishly bring some outpouring and validation for myself, which also hopefully, resonates with others. Still, there were a couple of interesting Comments yesterday about the George Floyd death and the implications that it has had on all of us in society, that makes me feel the need to touch on this subject a little bit more. I can’t ignore what is going on in our world, no matter how many times I quickly flip past the news, to numb out, on a silly “reality” show. The blog’s starting quote is from Glennon Doyle’s new book UNTAMED. (excellent read, by the way, and I must give a shout out to James Madison University in Virginia. Glennon and I share the same alma mater!!!)

I am white. I was raised in an upper middle class neighborhood in Pittsburgh, PA. My public high school had graduating class sizes of over 600 kids. In my graduating class, three of my fellow students were black. Interestingly, our principal was a black man. At James Madison University, I belonged to a large, popular sorority. One of my sorority sisters was black, in all of the four years that I belonged to my sorority. My husband and I have raised our four children in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Florida. We have always chosen suburban neighborhoods to live in, that had excellent public schools, frankly, because we didn’t want to pay for private school for four children. My kids’ experience with minorities in any of these schools, has been limited. This was not by design. This is not a fact which I am proud of. In fact, I often thought that my children’s limited contact with people different than us, was a major disservice to my children. Their schooling experience has been limited to white, suburban America. That is not representative of the real world. And yet, my kids will most likely be living and working and raising their own families with people who have come from all over the world, from every kind of experience which one can imagine. But if you haven’t been exposed to much different than yourself in your life, how well can you really empathize with other people’s viewpoints? How do you really know where other people are coming from, when your experiences have been very limited to “people just like you”?

What I am learning about myself, through this pain that our country is experiencing, is that I shouldn’t be so defensive about the label “racist.” I don’t hate anybody because of their background or the color of their skin. I know from every inch of my heart, how wrong that is, but it is also wrong to pretend that I understand other people’s feelings and experiences. It is wrong to assume that everyone comes from the same worldview I have, largely because my worldview has been created from my own limited experiences. Everyone has different experiences in life, and a lot of these experiences come from factors that are uncontrollable. None of us got to choose the color of our skin, our parents and siblings, the country we were born in, the financial status of our family of origin, the religion we were raised in (or not), our height, our genes etc. etc. Nobody gets to pick these things. Yet all of these factors have a whole to do with who we end up being as individuals. All of these factors have a whole lot to do with our perspectives of the world. All of these factors influence our views, our ideas, our morality, our emotions, and the stories we tell ourselves about our own lives and other people.

Now to be clear, it is not healthy to live a resigned life, feeling victim of all of the factors that you could not control. Each of us has an ability to better our own personal experiences with factors that we can control. We can control our own efforts, our own attitudes, our own perspectives, our own choices and our own actions. And that is what each of us must keep a focus on, the factors that we, individually, can control, with the idea that what we say and what we do and what we think, not only has a major impact on our own lives, but also on the lives of others. No matter what our race is, we must all own the power of what we can control, the personal viewpoints and choices which are helping to influence the overall creation of our own lives, our families’ lives, and the experiences of our communities, our countries and our world.

For me, I think that the labels that get thrown around a lot, like “racist”, “racism”, “privilege”, are such loaded, hateful words that it puts me in a defensive mode. And when I’m feeling defensive, I’m not open. My ears are shut down to other viewpoints because I’m feeling shame that feels unfair and unjustified. I have a good heart. I know that and I know that most people in the world have good hearts, too. I have decided to use this horribly sad time in our history to stay open and to try to learn. I am trying to move past the labels to a deeper understanding. Defensiveness keeps me closed and limited. Understanding and connection comes from an open heart. I hope that soon after the raging anger and hurt, which we all have been experiencing, dissipates, all of us can come together with open hearts and elevate our united experience together, so that all our descendants don’t have to deal with the rehashing of these same problems over and over, again. These societal problems can be solved. We have that power. And if we truly open our hearts to new ideas, and perspectives, and a unified vision of a more peaceful, beautiful world for all of us, we will be shown the path to make it so.