Tag: forgiveness

Thoughtful Thursday

Kristin Fontana writes an excellent newsletter. She was talking about a conversation she watched between two “relationship experts.” Fontana said that what she got from the conversation was a definition of forgiveness which I have never heard before, but it really resonated with me. (I just knew that it had to come here to be a thought exhibit at Adulting – Second Half. ) Forgiveness is the memory without the emotional charge. Forgiveness is experience alchemized into wisdom.

The concept of forgiveness is a toughie, isn’t it? It’s a confusing concept. It’s hard because many times forgiveness is treated like an “all or nothing.” And there are so many contradictory pity statements floating around out there about forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget.” “Forgive but don’t forget.” “To err is human; to forgive, divine”. “When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”.  Oscar Wilde said this: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” When I looked up quotes about forgiveness, the AI overview said this, “There are many quotes about forgiveness, including the idea that it’s a gift, a constant attitude, and the final form of love.” 

Ultimately, in order to forgive anyone or anything, we must let go of the emotional charge that comes from the memory of the incident or incidents. To let go, we have to be able to detach. To let go, we must be able to trust ourselves to go through the process of alchemizing our experiences, and the emotions that come from those experiences, into wisdom, and then to act on our deeper wisdom going forward. This process is probably one of the hardest lessons we humans ever learn. But when we don’t go through the process of forgiveness, we withhold love and peace from ourselves.

And also from Kristin Fontana’s newsletter, verbatim, is this lovely fable:

According to an old Native American Legend, one day there was a big fire in the forest.

All the animals fled in terror

Suddenly, the Jaguar saw a Hummingbird pass over his head, but it was flying toward the fire.

Moments later, the Jaguar saw him pass again, this time he was headed away from the fire.

The Jaguar asked,
“What are you doing Hummingbird?

“I am going to the lake”,  he answered.
“I drink water with my beak and throw it onto the fire to extinguish it.”

The Jaguar laughed. “Are you crazy?” Do you really think you can put out that big fire on your own with your very small beak?”

“No”, said the Hummingbird, “I know I can’t.”
“But the forest is my home, it feeds me, it shelters me and my family. I am very grateful for that.
I am part of her, and the forest is part of me.”

I know I cannot put out the fire, but I must do my part.”

At that moment, the forest spirits who listened to the Hummingbird were moved by the bird and its devotion to the forest. 

Miraculously, they sent down a torrential downpour, which put an end to the great fire.

The Native American grandmothers would tell this story to their grandchildren. Then concluded with, “Do you want to attract miracles in your life? Then do your part.”

“You have no responsibility to save the world, or find the solutions to all problems but to tend to your personal corner of the Universe.”

“As each person does that, the world will save itself.”

That’s all we really have to do, right? Do our own teeny part, and then trust the Universe to take care of the rest. The Universe is using each one of us, and our own unique individual gifts and talents, to bring up the whole, but we were also gifted with free will, so that we can choose to fly like the hopeful hummingbird, or we can sit in cynicism like the jaded jaguar. We can be brave enough to feel our emotions and set them free, and then march on with our deeper wisdoms into a brighter and lighter future.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fluidity

Everything is fluid. Even how you think about things is fluid. Especially how you think about things is fluid. We have started getting Christmas cards and a couple of them have come from people who were from a time when we lived in a whole different state. I have really fond memories of the people there. We were young families, literally raising our kids as a village. The neighborhood we lived in was mammoth. It was so big that it was essentially our neighborhood kids filling the entire elementary school. But yet, the neighborhood felt small, due to the wonderful circle of people we cavorted with there.

Many of our former inner circle there, like us, have left the neighborhood, for different neighborhoods (upsizing and downsizing) and like us, have even left for different states. We had to leave that neighborhood, and that state, back in 2011, for the necessity of greener pastures to support our large family quickly descending upon college age. So, leaving there, was truly bittersweet. We had poured our heart and souls into re-designing and adding on to the home where we lived there, with the faulty assumption that it would be the home that even our grandchildren would come to visit. And then, almost immediately after we finished the totally draining (both emotionally and financially) years long housing project, the Great Recession housing crash happened. We essentially had to give that home away for pennies on the dollar.

For many years, I had bitter feelings about that home. It had become a financial burden and albatross around our necks. It became “the thing” that made it hard to get “a fresh new start” in our new state. It was amazing that a creation that I had once had been so proud of, and had poured so much of my heart and creative vision into, had quickly turned into one of my biggest nightmares. It was a really humbling, shocking, disillusioning time in the lives of our family. And for years, only thoughts of anger and disbelief and frustration and regret, surrounded any ideas of our former home.

Today, out of curiosity, after receiving the cards that reminded me of our “former life”, I looked up our former home. It had been sold again in 2017 and the owners had added on even more beautiful updates. Interestingly, I noticed that all of my feelings of anger and disgust, had dissipated. I am back to feeling proud of “my former creation.” I am back to feeling deeply proud of the fingerprints, and the heartbeats, and the creative vision that we had for that home. I am mostly proud of the happy history and memories that we added to that place which we called home for a time in the life of our family. I am back to feeling only a full fondness for a lovely time in my life, and the lovely nest which we had created for our family at that time. And at the same time, I have no desire to go back. I am truly fulfilled at where I am in my life right now, and I see how all of the dots in my life have been connected and are being connected, as the picture of my life is being lived.

I have noticed this circling around of feelings and perspectives many times, about many people and situations, in my own life. I have also noticed this in the lives of others. Life has a way of softening the edges, after processing the hard stuff. How many people, having gone through vicious divorces, end up deeply hugging each other at their shared children’s major milestones? How many people have been able to find the gifts of lessons and silver linings, and forgiveness of self and others, in even the worst circumstances of their lives? Oprah Winfrey is credited with saying this: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it’s accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

If you are going through a tough time in your life, give yourself the knowing that someday you will likely look at this situation with a different perspective. The worst, sharpest edges causing the gashes, and the bleeding, and the pain, will dull with time. The sharpest edges will stop being able to hurt you anymore. That’s the beauty of true forgiveness. It’s an acceptance of what is, and deciding to only take the “good stuff” from the situation. Forgiveness is finally stopping the continually gashing of yourself with the sharp edges, and allowing yourself to heal the wounds, so that when you come back to viewing the situation, you will see that the now dulled edges, can’t really hurt you anymore. You will find that with time and distance, the healing has created a strong (and sometimes scarred, but often stronger for the scarring) barrier to what was once a truly visceral, seemingly unending pain. Believe this. Stop poking at your pains and let them be. Allow the miracle of the change of perspective to appear when the timing is just right. Believe in impermanence and fluidity because they really are the only constants in life, besides the underlying Love that holds us all afloat.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

“Why You Should Get Used To Being Misunderstood:

If we say what we want, we will be called aggressive. If we people please or appease, we will be called selfish because it’s never enough.

If we place a boundary, people won’t honor them or will violate them. If we have no boundaries, we’ll drown as we try to meet everyone’s expectations.

If we follow a path that’s not traditional, we’ll be told it’s risky or it won’t work out. If we do what’s expected of us, there will still be people who critique how we do it.

If we have the courage to share our gifts with the world, there will be people who would prefer us to be silent.

If we stay in our comfort zone, we live with the regret of “what if I would have…”

If we decide to break the cycle, there will be people who label us as the problem.

If we stay in dysfunction, the connection and love we receive there will always come with conditions.

If we outgrow relationships, some people will feel abandoned in the process. If we stay in relationships we’ve outgrown, new versions of ourselves won’t be accepted.

The only answer really is to live a life that’s authentic to us and allow people to misunderstand us in the process

Because they will anyway.” – Dr. Nicole LePera, @Theholisticpsyc (Twitter)

I usually make Monday posts on the blog, light, short and funny. (I like to just ease into my week.) However, today I’m feeling a little more verbose. And if you think that I am verbose and prolific, then you need to check out Dr. Nicole LePera on Twitter and/or Instagram. Dr. LePera freely gives out a plethora of helpful, insightful, meaningful, direct, easy to understand “therapy” on a daily basis. I highly recommend reading her stuff. She has given me so much food for thought. I agree with Dr. LePera’s platitudes about 98 percent of the time and even when she is saying things that “I already know”, the daily reminders are so helpful and useful. I found the thread which she recently wrote on making true apologies and amends to be so excellent that I decided to send it to our immediate family text chat because lately I think that our family has been a little lax in that area with each other. (This action of mine got “ignored”, or met with mixed reviews, but the seed has been planted . . .)

As much as I appreciate Dr. LePera’s insights, over the weekend she posted a thread about “forgiving” her younger self for all of the mistakes she had made throughout her lifetime. It was a beautiful thread and I think that forgiving yourself is key for a healthy mindset, but I also think that Dr. LePera should have taken it a step further to thank her younger self for having the guts and gumption to venture into life without all of the accumulated wisdom she has acquired throughout her life, from her studies and from her experiences. Do elite athletes like Michael Jordan have to forgive their younger selves for not being the amazing players that they eventually became, from the get-go? Is anyone an expert at anything from the starting gate? The seeds of talent and desire may be there, but the seeds have to be nurtured and grown, and usually this “seed nurturing” in anyone’s life starts out by some pretty young, naive, inexperienced farmers (our younger selves), who are learning as they go. Of course we young farmers make mistakes! It would be weirder if we didn’t! And we’ve all had to grow the seeds of our lives in all different terrains, with all sorts of unique weather, and conditions, and toxicities. Honestly, what’s more impressive – a naive little seedling that makes it through a big storm, or a hearty tree that is firmly rooted and has the knowledge and ability to rely on the experience of making it through many storms?! We need to thank those little seeds who were us for having the guts to give it all a try, without much knowledge, training and experience to go on. We need to thank the younger versions of ourselves for overcoming our fears in order to be willing to try all of the experiences that have molded us into ourselves today. The younger versions of ourselves helped us to evolve and to become who we are today, right at this very moment. Ponder this: We are currently, right at this moment, the younger versions of ourselves, who ten years down the line, we will be simultaneously forgiving and thanking, all at the same time.

Perhaps all that life really is, is growing from seedling into hearty trees, reaching into the skies of our adventures, constantly learning as we go. Isn’t this action best done with big dollops of forgiveness and gratitude for ourselves, and for others, as we co-create this beautiful, mysterious forest of our shared world?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The One You Need to Forgive

“My love, if the mistakes you made in the past no longer represent who you are now, it’s safe to forgive yourself.” – Valencia, Twitter

If you have learned from your mistakes, and you have changed your ways, then you have used these gifts and lessons from the Divine to turn this world into a better place. You have inspired others to do the same by your beautiful example. What could be more sacred than that? The people who have taught me the most about changing bad habits, or changing unhelpful thought/relational patterns, are people who have walked hard, narrow roads before me, climbing the rocks of integrity and candor, with their brutal self honesty. Their brave actions, which support their clear, honest words, are more inspiring to me, than any lecture I have ever received from a gilded, coddled, protected cocoon.

Forgive yourself. You are the only one left who needs to do this. Everyone else (every One) who matters, has already forgiven you. Have you ever thought about the fact that by overcoming your own transgressions and by inspiring others to do the same, you might be an important part of the Divine plan to lift this world to a higher plane? You are a beautiful example of evolution and elevation. Take off the cloak of shame, now. Forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices t… | Choices quotes, Forgive yourself quotes, Wisdom quotes
42 Forgive Yourself Quotes | Self Forgiveness Quotes images – tiny Positive

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Cherry on Top

I was all set to write about this life management theory that I have been learning about and that I find to be very interesting. Then, I got distracted (story of my life) during my morning reading, and I found two quotes that really struck me as important enough to discuss. I use this blog to commune with you, my wonderful readers, but also as a library of sorts, for me to keep useful, interesting information and inspiration for myself. So, tune in tomorrow for words on a thought-provoking life theory, but for today, here are the quotes:

“At the end of a good book, I always feel fuller, but also irrationally abandoned.” – Charmeuse (Twitter)

I absolutely love when someone puts into words exactly how I feel and in such an easy, succinct way to understand. I always feel this way after a good book. The two best books that I have read lately, which made me feel this way, were Glennon Doyle’s UNTAMED and J.D. Vance’s HILLBILLY ELEGY. (this one has been made into a movie directed by Ron Howard. I am very excited to watch it!)

The second quote is a little more somber. This is the quote:

“Make peace with the apology that isn’t coming.” – Valencia (Twitter)

The most beautiful heartfelt, thought-out apologies which I have ever received are from kind, loving people who have barely offended me. (we all make mistakes) These apologies were full of emotional empathy, not one excuse, and were followed with an earnest change in behavior. I think that a lot of us (or at the very least, me) get caught up in these fantasies, of that type of sincere, genuine apology coming from the people who have cut us to our cores. But here’s reality friends, people who are capable of hurting us that deeply, are most likely the same types of people who are not capable of a great deal of empathy and self reflection and introspection. Hurting people hurt people. Unfortunately, it is typically the most damaged souls that cause the most damage. These people are not capable of the apologies and of the understanding (the kind of apologies that are often shown at the climax of a dramatic movie) which we are most wanting and needing to hear. So the sooner that you can make peace with the fact, that the genuine apology is unlikely to occur, and trust yourself going forward, to keep healthy boundaries with toxic people and negative situations, the easier it is to move on with your life, forgiving yourself and others, for past situations that caused harm. (Remember forgiving does not mean forgetting or even resuming a relationship. It just means letting go of the rumination and the pain of it all. Forgiveness is for yourself.) Take only the growth and the lessons and the wisdom which you gleaned from a relationship or a happening, and let go of your need for the apology. It is the only way to peace. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. And remember, if by rare chance, a person does do the hard work to change their ways, and evolves into a better, more authentic person, the apology received will be like the cherry on top, of the beautiful, delicious dessert that you have already created for yourself, with your healed and happy life.

To Err is Human

There’s a scene in the movie Ingrid Goes West where two of the characters borrowed another friend’s truck and they don’t return it on time, causing him to miss an important event.  On top of that, they don’t answer his frantic calls and they drive the truck while intoxicated and high and wreck it, causing significant damage to it.  When they finally return the truck the next morning, dents and all, the apology given to the truck owner is so flimsy, light, and half-hearted, you would have thought they had just stepped on his toe.  “Sorry, it was an accident,” was basically the flippant, flat reparation given to the stunned victim.

The movie is a comedy of sorts and you do find yourself laughing at the absurd audacity of the lack of concern on the characters’ parts, for the serious distress and upset they caused for their friend.  I think why this scene seems so appallingly funny, is because most of us do the exact opposite.  When we do something wrong or make a mistake, we flog ourselves endlessly for days on end, until finally we find another mistake that we have made to punish ourselves for, and we move on to punishing ourselves for the new offense.

“Dwelling on mistakes will not erase them.” – Smart Thinking, twitter

Sometimes it feels like, if we beat ourselves up enough, then that will beat the mistake into thin air, like it never happened.  We all know that doesn’t work, but we certainly give it the “old college try”, don’t we?

“Your best teacher is your last mistake.” -Smart Thinking, twitter

If we change our perspective on our mistakes, we learn a lot from them.  That is certainly a more fruitful thing to do than beating ourselves up into a state of despondency that is doing nothing for us or for the person or persons whom we hurt.  Bottom line, we all make mistakes and errors of judgment.  This is part of our being human.  We need to own our transgressions, apologize soulfully from our hearts and empathize with what it must feel like for the person we hurt, in order to best deal with and move through our mistake. Next, we need to make fair amends where we can, by doing what we can do to compensate for the pain that we caused for another being.  And finally, we need to forgive ourselves and let it go. Whether the other party chooses to forgive us, is up to them and on their own time schedule.  We can still forgive ourselves, though.  Feeling forgiveness, like happiness, is an inside job that we do for ourselves in order to live in a peaceful, emotional state.

When we learn from our mistakes, we can almost change our perspective to see the lessons that they bring to us, as astute gifts of wisdom.  Sometimes the person we have hurt is ourselves, and we must take the very same steps to work through the offense of hurting ourselves, so that we can move on with a clear, peaceful conscience and the wisdom to do better in the future.

“What was your best experience?

Answer:  It was your worst experience.

Why?

Because it was so convincing.” -unknown