Tag: fear

Courage/Stupidity

“Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. That is why life is hard. . . . . .What is the difference between courage and stupidity in your life? A big part of adulting is not crossing the line where your rebelliousness turns into recklessness. The people who ride this line most gracefully usually have a clear eye on their values and a good friend or two who will tell them when they’re being a dumbass. If you can’t decide if you’re being brave or stupid, call a friend.” _ from the Spiritual AF inspirational deck by Roxan McDonald

Earlier this year, I reluctantly agreed to a plan to go on a trip to Egypt with my husband, this upcoming spring. Visiting Egypt is one of my husband’s biggest dreams for a long time now and although I was nervous and not nearly as intrigued as he is with Egypt, I decided that I should muster up my courage and support him and get excited about sharing another wonderful adventure with him. I spoke at length with a sensible friend who had recently traveled to Israel, and she encouraged me to go. At that time, I think that I was choosing to be courageous, and it seemed to me, at that time, that the benefits of the trip certainly outweighed the risks. Egypt might not have seemed like the most safe place in the world for us to visit, but in light of all of the random shootings which we have here in America, “safe” is a relative term.

However, considering the terrifying events of this past weekend, we have cancelled our plans to travel to Egypt this spring. At this point, courage to go there, clearly seems to me, to be veering far more into the realm of recklessness. At my age, recklessness does not appeal to me at all. It goes without saying, that my sensible friend would most likely agree with our decision to not go, in light of the new information about the particularly unstable, worrisome and devastatingly sad circumstances happening in the Middle East.

I love what Roxan McDonald has to say about the fine line between courage and stupidity. This line gets particularly muddled when strong emotions come into play. That is why it is always helpful to have people whom you trust in your life, to be your sounding boards, and your helpful “voices of reason.” In the end, the final decision is totally yours, as it should be, but it is so good to have other people in your life, whom you deeply trust and who have no other stake in the game, other than the fact that they care about you. These people can help you to clear your vision and to see perspectives that you may not have considered, because your decision making process is already clouded by your own preconceptions and heavy emotions. These sounding boards in your life, also help you to get clear on your own desires and inclinations. If you find yourself strongly protesting and arguing against what they advise, this at least, gives you a clear idea of how you really feel about something and what you, yourself truly wants to do. (It’s like that old, wise adage of flipping a coin to make a decision, and then noticing how you are secretly hoping for how the coin will land, while the coin is still up in the air.)

I believe that my husband and I will visit Egypt one day. (Of course, right now my deepest wish is for a peace and comfort for all of the innocent people who are experiencing so much pain and loss in this horrific trauma, and in other traumas happening all over our world. War is hell.) I also know that this time period is not the time for us to go there. At the very least, my level of anxiety would make it impossible for me (and thus, for my husband) to enjoy ourselves and immerse ourselves in the once-in-a-lifetime experience.

There are no perfect answers and decisions about anything in life. These answers and decisions are as unique and personal, as is each individual person and all of the mitigating circumstances surrounding each person. One person’s courageousness is another person’s stupidity. In the end, though, it always comes back to learning to trust one’s self. You have all of the answers that you need inside of yourself. Sometimes you just need a little help excavating those innate answers, and that is one of the beautiful blessings of having each other.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Shoulder

It’s interesting to me, when you are going through one of your darker periods in life, how much you cling to your mundane chores. Your to-do list becomes your savior. Doing laundry becomes your lifeline. Waiting in queue on a customer service call with bad elevator music, can actually be peaceful and lulling. Doing anything is good. Idle time is scary as hell.

Yesterday, getting groceries was cathartic. A month ago, getting groceries was just another one of the routine banalities of my life. I also look at people differently. I understand that there could be a lot of pain underneath the clerk’s pleasantries. I understand that someone’s grumpiness could be caused by medications that otherwise save that person’s life. One of the rare blessings of suffering, is a true, pure empathy for the human condition. I even empathize with people who numb out, and try not to feel anything, ever. Empathy is a heavy, overwhelming load to bear sometimes.

Fear and sadness sucks the energy right out of you. Taking a shower sometimes takes monumental courage and momentum. And then all the “shoulds” start crawling around in your brain: “You should take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your loved ones.” “You should remember that your family and friends deserve attention for the good and bad things going on in their lives, too.” “You should live in faith, and not fear.” “You should divide your attention and focus equally among your four children, not just your child with epilepsy.” “You shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself. Count your blessings.” “You should stop hovering over your man-child with epilepsy, and help him live as normal a life as possible.” “You should keep the romance alive in your marriage, or you’ll lose even more.” “You should keep writing your blog, or maybe you shouldn’t.” “You should find the cure for all that ails your family, and maybe even heal the entire world, while you are at it.” My “Shoulder” in my brain is a total bitch and a strict task-masker. My Shoulder loves to generate anxiety. My Shoulder loves to control me with shame. My Shoulder tells me that I’ll never be enough. Someone very wise once told me to never, ever should on myself. I wish that I could stop my evil Shoulder. I should do a better job with that. Isn’t it ironic that a “shoulder” is something that we are supposed to be able to lean on in tough times?

Recently, I found a prayer in an old wallet of mine that has been one of my favorite prayers for a long, long time. It’s actually the 3rd Step prayer from the 12-Step programs. I have been praying it a lot lately. Not because I should, but because I can, and because it feels good. This prayer resonates with me. Maybe it will help you, too.

“God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.”

Friends, I pray to bear witness of my victory over my difficulties, to anyone whom it will help. I do this, quite honestly, because I desperately want victory over my difficulties, but also, I truly like to help people. It feels good. I think that this is what we are meant to do for each other. Please know that despite being in a trough period, I love life. I see beauty all around me, all of the time, to the point that sometimes it even overwhelms me. Love is the miracle, and it never leaves us. Love can never be destroyed. Love sustains all.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Happy New Year Again

This tweet made me laugh out loud this morning. For a good portion of the United States, Labor Day weekend marks the closing of many public and club pools. And that’s a hard reality for a lot of kids to accept. Having four children, I didn’t have the luxury of any idle threats. My kids greatly outnumbered me, so they had to believe that I was in control, at all times. Therefore, when I told them it was time to get out of the pool, or “something” would happen, they knew that the “something” was going to happen, no matter what. Fortunately for me (and for my kids), I never had to drag my children out of the pool with my teeth. But if I had to, I would have done it. And they knew that fact. Just like any otter mom, I have my fun and cute and playful side, but “When provoked . . . . they’ll snap. Otters boast a sharp set of canines and crushing molars. And theirs is a formidable bite, roughly comparable in force to a German shepherd’s . . .” (Outsideonline)

Last night also marked the beginning of Rosh Hashanah. Happy New Year, to my dear Jewish readers. I am not Jewish, but I love the new year celebrations of all religions and cultures. I think that they are wonderful reminders that we can start fresh and anew, any time that we want. On a day like this, that marks a transition for many of us, whether from a religious sense, or from a seasonal sense, or from a school calendar sense, this is a great day to carve out a few moments of reflection. Since the pandemic started, fear has been in control of many facets of our lives. We have had to “do” so much of our everyday lives, with an undercurrent of uncertainty and fear. What if we chose not to continue this way, no matter what is going on outside of ourselves? I am going to end this post with my favorite passage from Matt Haig’s How To Stop Time novel. It’s a good prompt for reflection today. I hope that you like it, as much as I do. See you tomorrow.

“And just as it only takes a moment to die, it only takes a moment to live. You just close your eyes and let every futile fear slip away. And then, in this new state, free from fear, you ask yourself: who am I? If I could live without doubt what would I do? If I could be kind without the fear of being f*cked over? If I could love without the fear of being hurt? If I could taste the sweetness of today without thinking about how I will miss that taste tomorrow? If I could not fear the passing of time and the people it will steal? Yes. What would I do? Who would I care for? What battle would I fight? Which paths would I step down? What joys would I allow myself? What internal mysteries would I solve? How, in short, would I live?” (Matt Haig)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fodo

I just finished an excellent book called, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Tawwab is a relationship therapist and the premise of her book is that almost all relationship issues (marital, family, friends, work, etc.) are related to our inabilities to create, and to enforce good boundaries for ourselves. Tawwab believes that the number one reason why people do not create and enforce personal boundaries, all stems from the fear of feeling “guilt.”

No one likes to feel “guilt”. It’s one of those negative emotions that feels like it is going to eat you alive. Guilt is one of those sickenly atrocious feelings that remind you of just how deep and unrelenting your feelings can be. Still, guilt is just a feeling, and if we don’t avoid our feelings, or deny our feelings, or ruminate in them, feelings pass, and often, fleetingly. When Tawwab suggests to one of her clients to place a boundary in a relationship, such as requiring people to call before showing up at their house, or to not call after 7 pm, she says that inevitably, her clients ask her how to place and how to enforce these boundaries without feeling “guilt.” Tawwab matter-of-factly tells them, “You will feel guilt. Do it anyway.” Tawwab then uses the analogy of the excitement we feel, the few days before we are going on a vacation. We still go about doing our daily duties, with the excitement still there, brimming in the background. “Excitement” is a feeling, just like “guilt” is a feeling, but we don’t have to let our feelings engulf us and/or put us in a frozen, catatonic state that stops us from living our lives.

Just like many other languages (other than English), have a lot of different words for “love”, I believe that we also need different words for “guilt.” Appropriate guilt is good. When we have done something, or we have said something, that goes against our own moral code (purposely, or even unintentionally), and this action has caused pain to ourselves and/or to others, the guilt that we feel helps to steer us on, to changing our behavior and to making amends. Feeling appropriate guilt is what separates most of us, from the few sociopathic and psychopathic people in our midsts. Feeling guilt is an appropriate response for having done something wrong. It is a natural navigational feeling to steer us back “on course”.

However, I think what we more commonly feel on a regular basis, is an inappropriate guilt, based on the erroneous idea that we are responsible for other people’s feelings and happiness. Even though the physical feelings are often identical, appropriate guilt is much different than what I am going to call, FODO (fear of disappointing others). Since the feelings are so similar in our bodies, when we are feeling “guilt”, the key question to ask ourselves is, “What did I do wrong?”

If I run a stop sign, and I cause a rear end collision, I will feel appropriate guilt. What did I do wrong? I ran a stop sign. (intentionally or unintentionally, I did it) I will apologize, I will give my insurance information, and I will take steps to be more careful when I am driving. The guilt will dissipate by me taking these actions. On the other hand, if my friend wants me to go out to eat with her, and I say no because I am tired, or I just don’t feel like it, or I would rather do something else, and she acts disappointed, I may feel those feelings that we tend to lump together under the heading of “guilt”. However, what I am really feeling, in this particular situation, is FODO (fear of disappointing others). What did I do wrong by saying “no” to my friend? Nothing. If she is feeling disappointed, that’s for her to work through. She has the right to feel disappointed or whatever feelings she feels, but her feelings are not my responsibility to change. And at the same token, it is not my friend’s responsibility to alleviate me of my feelings of “guilt” (FODO).

We don’t like to hurt the people whom we love. Honestly, we don’t like to hurt anyone in general. We fear disappointing others, because we fear losing them, or we fear being judged by them. But if the only way to keep a relationship with someone, is to constantly be doing things that don’t feel right for us, is this really a healthy relationship worth fostering in the long term? Is this really a healthy, authentic, growing, true relationship for either party involved?

Sometimes we do things that we aren’t completely excited about, out of our love for other people, and we do these things because it makes us happy to see them happy. When we choose to do these things, our motivation is primarily out of love, and not out of obligation, or to avoid feeling “guilt.” If I watch a football game with my husband, it may not be my first choice of things to do, but I enjoy being with him, and I like to participate in his interests sometimes. However, if I watched football games with him, all of the time, because I felt obligated to do it, for fear of losing my relationship with him, or to avoid some other negative consequence (such as him being angry or grumpy or aloof, etc.) than soon, my feelings would turn to resentment. The saying goes, “Choose guilt over resentment any time. Resentment is a slow burning soul killer.”

One of my wisest mentors once told me emphatically, “Never “should” on yourself.” Question every “should” that comes up in your mind. Is this “should” in your life something that you honestly believe, or is this “should” something that has been conditioned in you, or imposed upon you, by your family, or by your friends, or by society in general? It is a wise practice to take inventory of your own personal “shoulds” on a regular basis. Are you spending your holidays how you would like to spend them? Are you living where you would like to live? Do you belong to clubs and churches and activities and political parties and schools, that speak to your most intuitive self, and reflect your own personal interests and beliefs? Do you wear your hair in a style and a color that appeals to you? Do you wear clothes that appeal to you, and best reflect your true self? Do you keep work hours that feel right and fair to you? Does your work fulfill you in more than just a monetary sense? Are the people who you spend the most time with, your healthiest, most fulfilling relationships? Do you feel the need to hide parts of yourself, such as your sexuality, or your beliefs, or your hobbies, or your past, in fear of being judged or shamed? Do you go to restaurants, and see movies, and drive cars, and take trips, and read books that you like, or are your choices more a reflection on what “others would think”? Do you live an authentic life, or is your motivation primarily to impress or to please others (which, as we all know, is a futile, pointless endgame)? On the other hand, do you try to manipulate others with “shoulds” (and thus help to create fake, empty relationships filled with resentment and based on obligation), with the false, impossible idea that others are responsible for, and are somehow capable to create your own long term happiness, for you?

If a lot of your answers to these questions, made you realize just how much of your own life is being run by “shoulds” that ring false to you, or you realize that a lot of your life decisions are made, in order to avoid feeling FODO (fear of disappointing others), let this be your wake-up call. FODO won’t kill you. Resentment will. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your own happiness. These rules apply to everyone else, too. Once we are adults, everyone is responsible for their own selves. We were each given an incredibly unique and rare set of circumstances in order to experience a life that no one else has ever lived, nor will ever live again. Do not cheat yourself nor swindle Creation, by not being true to your own aspirations and insights and goals and lessons. Do not let something as trifling as a passing feeling (FODO), stop you from living your life to its fullest, deepest, most meaningful experience. When you take responsibility for your own life and happiness by being true to yourself with all of your decisions, those who truly love you, could never be disappointed. To see you shine in your truest, healthiest, most authentic glory will be a gift of inspiration to others, to do the same thing for themselves. And when that happens, we are all so much better off for it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Something to Cry About

Please do not miss John Krasinski’s third segment of SGN (Some Good News). It brings such hope and joy and fun, to this otherwise bleak situation which we find ourselves in. Here’s the link:

I’ve taken an informal survey among my family and friends and we all agree that at this stage of the game, it is like we have one good day, followed by one “meh” day, and then, another good day, followed by a low day . . . . . the cycle seems to be a pretty regular “up and down, up and down, up and down”. I find my better days are when I am looking forward to something, like a particularly good tasting meal, or for the final episode of Ozark Season 3. (Ozark Season 3 is really, really good.) I allow myself to feel the feels of the bad days, though, too. I’d rather process this coronavirus situation, while it is happening. I mean, I definitely have some time to do it, the time to process this mess. I don’t want to end up with ulcers, or sleep disorders, or worse personal issues, when we come through this, to the other side of it all. I’d like to process it all, and to come out to the other side of it, stronger and better than before, in all areas of my life that are truly important to me.

My one grandfather used to half-jokingly say to us kids, “Quit your crying, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” Now, I realize that psychotherapists could have a field day with that statement, but I knew that my grandfather would never really do anything to us, except spoil us with candy and dance with us, while he played his harmonica. My grandparents were all part of the Greatest Generation. They experienced the Depression as children, my grandfathers fought in WW2 and they saw their children grapple with Vietnam, and all of its after-effects. The Greatest Generation experienced a lot of ups and downs in their lives. We all do. Yesterday, I read an article talking about Generation Z (kids that are in their late teens and early 20s) having the highest anxiety and depression rates, among all generations. The article, written by a writing professor, asked her students to explain why they thought this phenomenon is happening (this discussion with her students, happened pre-coronavirus). She was puzzled because she didn’t see Generation Z as having any more than the usual problems that any other generation of kids go through such as divorced parents, worrying about paying for school, social issues, etc. She and her students came down to the premise that there are only two things that are majorly different for Generation Z, from other generations of young people. One was that they are exposed to so much social media. The onslaught of information, makes it obvious about what parties or outings that the teens weren’t invited to, there has been a whole new layer of bullying added to the dark mix of mean, and even the constant barrage of posts by celebrities, showing nearly impossible physical beauty standards have become the expectation of an entire generation to keep up with and to emulate. The other thought as to why Gen Z feels more anxiety than most, is that we diagnose people more than we ever have before with disorders. What was once just considered “quirky”, is now divided into many mental diagnoses, often with prescribed medicine in tow. Strangely, the fact that so many of their friends are diagnosed, makes kids more likely to look for their own disorders and challenges. It is sort of like when you were a little kid and you really wanted braces and glasses of your own.

The author of the article concludes that by facing our worst fears and doing it all together, in this coronavirus pandemic, the good that might come out of it, is that it will be a huge perspective changer, for her students and for everyone. Can you even remember any of the little, annoying things that were niggling at you before this quarantine happened? The professor says that before the coronavirus epidemic, she saw her students constantly “borrowing” other people’s problems, to create a little drama and excitement in their own lives. Currently we all have enough disturbances on our own plates, that none of us would ask for another helping, not even a sprinkling, thank you very much, of extra fear and anxiety to add some spice, to our own over-spilling piles, on our plates of fear and doom.

I once read a parable that if we all took our own problems and we put them in the middle of a circle and then we were told to run into the middle of the circle and grab the same amount of problems that we had put into the circle, it is most likely, that we would all grab our own problems back. We treasure our problems. We are greatly attached to our issues. We nurse them constantly. We know them intimately. Now, with this great equalizer, the coronavirus at play, a lot of our collective problems are starting to look very similar, to varying degrees. We have all been brought to a level playing field of concerns, mostly with our health, and the health of our loved ones, being our utmost, highest priority. Without our health, life really doesn’t happen. If living comes down to just desperately holding on to our struggling breaths, than all of our other disturbances mean nothing more than a pile of dust on the ground.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows there is no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist.” – Steven Pressfield

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

The Raw Real

Every morning before I write my blog, I pray. I know that I have daily readers. I have heard through the grapevine, that my blog gives my readers inspiration. In my earliest days of blogging, when I only had a sprinkling of readers, I would question, out loud, what my motivation was to write on a public forum like this. At that time, my husband said that there were a lot of ministers out there with smaller congregations than the amount of daily readers I had. He asked me if a minister would give up on their small, faithful congregation. That statement struck me and stuck with me. Now, I get that I am no minister. I am not nearly qualified enough, nor learned enough, nor pure enough to be a preacher. Truthfully, I’ve never felt called to be in the ministry. I’m not particularly religious. I have a very broad spectrum view of God, and yet I do have a deep, abiding faith in my big, broad God. I have a deeply personal relationship with my faith and a very individualized spirituality that works well for the both of us, me and the Universe. Our relationship is securely intact.

What am I getting at here? Sometimes through this whole coronavirus thing, I want to be a constant source of inspiration. I want to be a positive, powerful, uplifting inspiration to my family, to my friends and to my readers. I want to find just the right words that are going to make everything alright. I want to find the perfect meme that turns this all into one big ridiculous joke that we can all laugh at, and then go on our merry ways, like this pandemic is just one big, giant, aggravating disappointment. But right now, many, many tears are flowing down my face. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. Yesterday, I was just overwhelmed with it all. Yesterday, I walked 6.5 miles, to the point, where even Ralphie, our Labrador retriever, who’s usually in the lead and pulling my arm out of its socket, was being dragged along, behind me, looking completely exasperated and utterly bewildered, tethered to a fast moving, mad woman. I didn’t walk in the many pretty green spaces which we have all around us here. Most of our parks are now closed, but I wouldn’t have gone to a park, or even a leafy neighborhood, anyway. I purposely walked beside one of our uglier, busier highways – a place which I would typically avoid at all costs, especially in spring time, which is when we have our peak level of visitors, here in Florida. I walked along the unsightly, hot, smelly highway for the sheer relief of seeing some cars. I walked there to remind myself that there was still a faint stream of life, flowing through our community. Our town still has a pulse – a weak one, but it is still alive. Where there’s life, there is hope.

Today, I choose to be painfully honest with you all, as to where my mental space is right now. I’m not feeling particularly inspirational, nor cheerful. Everything that is supposed to be funny, just pisses me off. I’m letting the feelings flow, because I know that they will pass. If I bottle the negative feelings up, and pretend that they don’t exist, they will stay inside of me and fester. The festering feelings will turn into rot and I don’t need rot competing with my healthy body and immune system. I can’t let rot sit in my body, allowing my body to become vulnerable to this terrible, insidious virus.

I want to be an inspiration to myself and to you, my readers/friends. But more so, I have always promised to be painfully honest and vulnerable, in my sharing with you. I have sworn to myself that in this second half of my adulting, I would be, if nothing else, as authentic as I can possibly be, in all areas and relationships, in my life.

As I finish up writing this blog post, I feel better already. The release of my feelings, in the most honest of ways, has been very intense, yet very freeing. My load has been lightened. I don’t want to pass that ugly, heavy load on to you. I question whether I should just keep this post in the private archives, and to look for some more inspirational stories or funny memes to share instead, but I don’t think that is the right answer. I hope that by me, hashing up my internal turbulence and spitting it all out, that it gives you permission to do the same with your feelings. Get it all out. However you have to do it, as long as it is not harmful to you or to others, get it all out. Write it out, yell it out, stomp it out, run it out, scream it out, cry it out. Whatever you need to do, to safely release your private storm, it is okay. What we are dealing with here, is a lot. It is A LOT. It will pass. Good changes will come out of it. We’ll be okay and maybe even better for it, but for now, this coronavirus is a lot to deal with. It’s okay to admit that to yourself, and to your loved ones, and to God. God can take it. Just like when we were little kids having horrific temper tantrums and caught in the swirl of all of our emotion, those elders, those loving ones, in charge of our care, even if they were giving us ample physical space, were still surrounding us with love. The Love never stops. God loves us through all of this and understands that sometimes we are going to be on the floor, kicking and screaming, and crying and pounding our fists. Still, the Love never stops. It will sustain us.

This situation is overwhelming. It is scary. It has taken so much from us already and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Give yourself permission to feel the disappointment, the fear, the fury. Give yourself permission to question angrily “the whos and the whats, the whys, wheres and hows.” And then, when the tantrum is over, settle into some quiet. Catch your breath and if little else, blanket yourself in the warm, secure knowing that the Love never stops loving you. Love never, ever stops.