expectations Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Your Word

Wow. I am really at an exhale point. And it feels so good. The extra hour of sleep could not have arrived at a better time. October was a month of distractions of major proportions for me – good ones (enjoyable visits with loved ones, and fun, energizing personal projects) and bad ones (two major hurricanes rolling through my town). And in my life, at least for now, things feel back to a little more even keel (not counting the crazy, suspenseful election and that’s all I will say about this. This is not a political page. There are countless ones of those all over the internet and in your neighborhood and on your TV and in your face – I think that one thing that we all can agree on, is that it will be really, really good for this presidential election to be done and over with.)

I’ve noticed that a life lesson that is really being drummed into me at this time in my life, is just how much I value accountability. Reliability, accountability, doing what you say you are going to do, no excuses, etc., etc. is really, really important to me. I’d much prefer “under promising and over-delivering” to anything else. I value kind, direct and honest communication. Thankfully, my closest family and friends are those people. My family and my friends are my rocks. Rarely am I disappointed by any of them. I have chosen wisely. I also try to be the same dependable and reliable person for the people in my life. If I say that I am going to do something, I do everything I can to stand by my word.

People who aren’t reliable often don’t have bad intentions. They are usually good people with good intentions, but are often not organized nor realistic. They tend to be people pleasers, who promise the moon, and think that they’ll figure out a solution to getting you the moon, later . . . . And then, what’s so hard in these situations is that often the disappointed party, ends up feeling like “the bad guy” for calling the unaccountable party out. Often times the person who gets let down feels badly for feeling disappointed and angry and frustrated. People who are manipulative snakes know what they are doing, and they don’t feel badly about leaving you in a lurch. (but the true, evil snakes of the world, are few and far between. Call me Pollyanna, if you will, but this has been my experience in my almost 54 years of life) So, the usual situation which I have experienced is a transaction between two good people who want a satisfactory experience, but one person is not good at living up to their word, and the other person has to keep lowering and lowering their expectations. And then it becomes sad and squirmy and an overall negative experience for all of the parties concerned.

I just had to get this out. Thank you for witnessing me, friends.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

credit: @wiseconnector, X

I think that a big part of this statement is that as you get older, your good people picker is better honed. And your BS meter is highly tuned. You understand that time is more limited than you ever realized and so that time is best served in the realm of goodness. And fortunately good people are everywhere. You can surround yourself with some really good gems!

If you are still doing some weeding out for what exactly constitutes “good for your soul” in your overall life, spend some time on what standards you have for yourself in all facets of your life. (standards = your boundaries) Today is the new moon. We are getting really close to the new year, and we aren’t quite overwhelmed with the holiday-hoopla yet, so we have some time for some deep, truthful contemplation. Use this time to think about keeping your standards, versus disappointing yourself with unrealized expectations.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Potato House

I was going through some writer’s block this morning and then I saw this meme above. Isn’t this a fun idea? It’s not like these people are only offering potatoes to trick-or-treaters. Kids get to choose between another piece of the same old/same old candy, or they get to brag and tell the crazy story at school about getting a potato for Halloween.

Don’t we all need a random potato in a pile of the usual candy? There is something wonderful about being oddly surprised. When something unusual happens (and not a “bad” unusual), it spawns a little bit of delight in us, doesn’t it? So much of our every days are made up of our rote habits and routines. Even our holidays become so “traditional” that we rarely shake things up. We put the wreath and the tree in the usual spots, barely even thinking about what we are doing.

Let’s all add a potato into today’s basket of candy. Got to a grocery store you never go to, to see what they are offering up. If you’re “doom scrolling”, try a different news website than you usually check out, to scare yourself silly. Make breakfast for dinner. (the last time I did this, my family thought it was the best meal they had eaten in a long while) Listen to a song in a foreign language. (I found this song the other day and I can’t stop playing it.) It’s wonderful!

I like to watch animals in nature, or even our own dogs. They never cease to surprise me. The other day, Trip, our Boykin spaniel was violently barking and snarling at some enterprising young men my husband had hired to wash our windows. We all wanted Trip to “hush up” in a big way but none of our scolding was stopping him from his angry rant. In fact, our scolding was giving his tantrum explosive fuel. Then, Ralphie, our Labrador retriever disappeared. He came back with Trip’s favorite blue spiky ball and he placed it at Trip’s feet. Trip can never resist this ball. He picked it up in his mouth. Problem solved! Hot potato! Our dog has more sense than we do.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Formula For Peace

“Expecting to be happy all the time is a root cause of much unhappiness.” – Dr. Nicole LePera

Expectations will always getcha, right? A wise person once told me to “never ‘should’ on yourself.” I think that this tweet by Dr. LePera is particularly apropos during the holidays. There is such an expectation to be “merry and bright” all of the time, and so, if you aren’t feeling this way, it makes you feel even more down and inadequate. Or sometimes you feel like it is your responsibility to make your loved ones’ holiday happiness come true, and this is not even possible. We can add to people’s happiness with kindness, but everyone’s own feelings are their own unique responsibility and capability.

If you take a moment to really become self-aware, you’ll notice that your feelings are often quite fleeting. If you stop right now, and think to yourself, “What am I feeling?” even if you think that the answer is “feeling nothing” or “feeling blank” or “feeling peaceful”, notice this. This “absence of feeling” is a feeling, too. What does “feeling nothing” feel like in your body? Does anything hurt? What is your breathing like? Now think a thought of something that makes you angry. Where does the feeling of anger creep up in your body? What are the bodily sensations of anger? Now think of something that makes you feel sad. Notice these sensations. Now realize how many different feelings and emotions, and the sensations that come with these feelings, have happened to you, in your body, in probably less than a minute. Don’t be stingy with yourself. Think of people, or things, or events, that make you feel happy, or filled with excited anticipation, and notice the sensations that come with these thoughts, too.

Feelings cycle throughout our being, all day long. Certain feelings can seem more passionate or dominant or stubbornly set, depending on the day, and our perceptions of what happened during the day, but if we get really curious about ourselves, we will notice the constant subtle shifting of our feelings throughout the day. Sometimes feelings occur because we are hungry, or physically ill or hurt, and we then use our minds to start making up stories about these physical sensations, in order to justify them, which only adds to the storm of emotion. If we just take a little time to notice and to accept our feelings as they come, we will see how easily they pass on through.

Just for today, be in detached acceptance of yourself and however you feel. Check in with yourself on the hour, and see if you can name and describe what feelings you are experiencing at that time of the day. Describe to yourself what the feeling’s sensations are in your body. Notice if any thoughts or states of being (hungry, sick, tired etc.) are adding some intensity to your emotional state. Just for today, be okay and content with yourself, in whatever emotional state you are in, and extend this courtesy to the other people whom you encounter throughout the day. Be an unpressured, detached observer. Don’t try to change yourself, and don’t try to change anyone else. Drop all of your expectations. Interestingly, by doing this, you may very well start experiencing the feelings of a deep, lasting, calming peace. Peace and contentment are some of the most comfortable feelings in the world to experience. By cutting yourself a break, and also letting go of trying to control others and their feelings, you may give yourself the gift of feeling “peace and contentment” more than you have felt these feelings in a long time. And isn’t “peace” what we universally wish for everyone whom we know and love, no matter what their outside circumstances may be? I know that we’ve gotten quite a few holiday cards offering us wishes of peace. Peace seems to be a universal desire for everyone. The answer to our own peace lies inside each one of us, and it is always available for the taking, ironically by just letting go.

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

“Feelings are something you have; not something you are.” – Shannon L. Alder

“But feelings can’t be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.” – Anne Frank

“Emotion can be the enemy, if you give into your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions, because the body always follows the mind.” – Bruce Lee

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Uniquely You

RIP – Angela Lansbury (Darn, we’ve really lost some good ones lately, haven’t we?)

On a positive, hopeful note, Angela Lansbury was days before turning 97-years-old. Loretta Lynn died recently at age 90. Both women worked at what they loved, well into their elder years. This common trend towards longevity means that us middle-agers still have a lot of life to live, and a lot passions to explore. Vida!

The other day, my husband and I were riding through a car wash and I smiled to myself when the long stringy flaps moved up and down and all around our windshield. I was remembering being a little girl in a carwash with my Pop-pop. My grandfather used to call those washing flaps, “the dancing ladies”. Yesterday, the picture on my blog held this quote from Cesare Pavese: “We don’t remember days, we remember moments.” How true is that statement?! Sometimes I remember the oddest of things. I wonder why certain, seemingly inconsequential “moments” stick in my mind. This quote does remind me that when we remember, and when think of people, we think of their “idiosyncrasies”, like my grandfather calling the carwash brushes, “dancing ladies.” When we think of the people whom we love, we think of moments with them, that make them unique to us. All of the little habits, and the ways of people are what makes them special and distinct and interesting to us. Even in a field of daisies, each little daisy has its own way of being, and dancing in the sun. Each little daisy is wonderful in its own way and helps to make the field of daisies what it is – a feast for the eyes.

In other news, I read a good article today that discussed the difference between having “expectations” versus having “requirements”. The article said that when you set expectations you allow for a little “wiggle room”. You are being hopeful, but you often set yourself up for disappointment. Requirements are more ironclad. Requirements mean business. Requirements require clear communication and boundaries and consequences. Are there areas/relationships in your life where you could step up your expectations to requirements, for access to you and to your precious time? Are there promises which you’ve made to yourself that could use the reinforcement of “requirement” status?

Now I’ll leave you to your day, my little daisy. Before you leave, this is a REQUIRED assignment: Take this moment to think of a trait that makes someone whom you love “so them.” Now think of a unique trait (positive only please) that people would think of when they would think of you. Smile and have a wonderful Wednesday.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Magnificent Woman

As Elsa watches her mother, Margaret (Faith Hill) herd cattle, she sees her as a woman – not solely a mother – for the first time: “I watched her ride and I didn’t see my mother. I saw a woman. And the woman was magnificent.” Jan 16, 2022

(from the TV Series and Yellowstone Prequel “1883”)

The other day, my friend mentioned that she attended a funeral of a man who had died. When he was alive, the man was passionate about two major hobbies in his life. My friend said that the man’s wife announced that she planned on continuing with his hobbies as an act of keeping him alive in her heart. My first thought was that this was sweet, and romantic, and loyal, and beautiful. But my second thought was, “Wow, this is what we women do so much of the time. We take on the passions and interests of our lovers and of our families and we often whittle our own passions and interests down to mere afterthoughts, to the point that we often forget what these passions were at all.”

I’ve witnessed it again and again, in myself, and in other women whom I know. We are the supporters and the nurturers, so we become “the soccer moms” or “the football moms” or “the wife of the esteemed So and So”. And our own interests and hobbies which are what make us unique in this world, often get relegated to the bottom of the list, the first things to get cancelled and crossed off when the calendar gets filled. And we are okay with this. We are the ones who do the crossing off. It makes sense to us. How could a book club or an art class be more important than supporting our loved ones at their functions and activities? We slowly diminish our own selves and we take on the role of “family cheerleader/supporter/bolster” to the point that our whole identity is wrapped up in other people’s lives and experiences. And without those “other people”, we are a little lost to ourselves. And they don’t know us as much more than an assistant to their own needs. And at the very worst, we start resenting others for this type of martyrdom, when they never asked us to do this for them in the first place. We start resenting others for what we have done to ourselves.

While watching the episode of “1883”, where the teenage daughter shockingly realizes that her own mother can ride horses and herd cattle every bit as deftly as she can, we see that the daughter is filled with awe and pride. Up until that moment, the daughter has only known her mother as “the mother”, the supporter of her father and of the family. She is in her late teenage years when she first comes to the realization that her mother is a woman in her own right, filled with talent and skill and bravery and regality, all outside of her role as the matriarch of their family.

When talking with my husband about this phenomenon that I’ve noticed and pondered, he said that he witnesses many men losing their individual identities to their careers. He has known many men who get their entire sense of self, solely from their job titles and thus, he knows men in their late seventies, with enough money stashed in the bank for five lifetimes, fearful to retire. They are so wrapped up in their jobs, that they don’t know themselves without these duties, responsibilities and titles. They don’t know themselves without the role that they play in their careers.

I’m not saying any of this is bad, per se. We have to make sacrifices and prioritize our lives in ways that make sense. We, of course, must be responsible to our responsibilities. And our life roles and our responsibilities are often things that we are passionate about. Still, aren’t we also responsible to nurture and to bring about the most innate, creative, unique version of our own selves into this world? It is our own unrepeatable, distinguishable self who initially attracted our lovers to us. Our children want to know the sides of us that exist beyond fulfilling their needs, especially as they become independent adults. Watching us fulfill our own interests, gives them permission to do the same thing, guilt-free. Our children want to fully understand their own DNA, by witnessing the fullness and uniqueness of us, from whence they came. We owe it, not just to ourselves, not just to our loved ones, but also to this world, to this one experience that we co-create together, to really explore what uniquely fills us with passion and desire and meaning and purpose. We owe it to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to this world, and to its Creator, to explore and to prioritize and thus to become the fullest expression our own unique spark and mark that we make in this world, outside of any roles or titles that we take on, throughout the journey. We must be as interested in what makes us tick, as individuals, as we are dedicated to the support roles which we play in life. Otherwise we cheat ourselves and we cheat others out of how amazing and astonishing this experience of Life, that we all share together, can truly be.

TOP 25 ROLES IN LIFE QUOTES | A-Z Quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Cat Woman

A friend of mine sent a screen shot to our group chat yesterday. (okay, I had to pause for a minute when I looked at my opening sentence. That sentence would not have been even understood 10 years ago. It might not have even been understood 5 years ago. Funny, the winds of change.) Anyway, the screen shot showed two beautiful, gray-haired ladies dressed artistically, almost “punk rockerly”. The caption said: “20 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After The Age of 40 . . . .#1-20 The Weight of Other People’s Expectations and Judgments” – Wrong Turn at Albuquerque

I love my friends! The friend who sent the screenshot said that maybe the age should have been changed to “30”. I thought that maybe we could somehow make it so that there wouldn’t even have to be an age listed on that quote. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our daughters or at least, granddaughters could look at that quote quizzically like it was meaningless and hard to understand? (kind of like how meaningless and hard to understand my first opening sentence would have been to me 10 years ago)

My daughter looks adorable every day for school. She started high school and although they don’t require “uniforms”, there is a “uniform” for the girls who attend her school. Ripped jeans, Vans or Birkenstocks, straightened hair, tops that are not too short to break dress code, but right at that fine line seem to be “the uniform” right now. That is the expectation if you want to be one of the crowd and to avoid being judged.

Recently we were reminiscing about the year that my daughter was a cat for Halloween and she decided that the costume was way too great to be worn just on the one day of Halloween. She wore her ears and her tail for weeks and weeks. She wore that costume to stores, to preschool, and to bed. She wore that costume out. She wore that costume with pride and dignity. Other people’s expectations and judgments weren’t one thought in my 4-year-old daughter’s mind at all. When does that shift occur?

It’s funny, but watching my kids grow up, it sometimes seems like they already had it all absolutely right when they were little and then we adults messed with them. We helped them become uptight little robots conforming to society’s judgments and expectations. They’ll play along with the rules of the game, until they reach our age and then they may get a screenshot that jars their memory that maybe “the rules of the game” are a little ridiculous. And something inside of them that has been sitting dormant since they were innocent little kids in cat costumes at the grocery store, will come roaring out and life will get interesting again. Hopefully that age of awakening will drop from 40 to 30 to not needed, because that future little girl will never have been a prisoner to what other people think.