Tag: empty nest

Yesterday is Over

I missed writing my blog yesterday because I was at the hospital with my son. I have mentioned before that my youngest son is epileptic and yesterday, he suffered a major seizure. He’s okay. Other than some lumps and bumps from hitting himself on the hard floor of our local YMCA, where he works, he has mostly physically recovered. Emotional recovery will take a while longer. Yesterday, my son had his hopes finally dashed that he could wean himself off of his medicine forever, and live a “normal” life. All of our hopes for this outcome, were put to rest yesterday. Our family had one of our familiar wounds ripped open, and it will take some time to let it heal over again. The fragility of life and how little control we really have over anything, seems to be the theme this year, at every level of life, down to our family unit.

I’m very emotionally raw right now. My son’s biggest dream was to have outgrown his condition. His epilepsy diagnosis is something that we have been dealing with, working with, wrapping our heads around, for over six years now. His excellent response to his medicine cocktail (which took a while to find the right one – every epileptic person is unique, in what works for them), tricked us into believing that his brain had calmed down enough to say good-bye to the random electrical storms, stirring in his brain, forever, without the crutch of medicine. Medicines aren’t necessarily perfect miracles and we were eager to see if my son could be safe and healthy without his epilepsy medicine, and so with the blessing of his neurologist, we started the weaning process. My son’s seizure medication has a trunk load of side effects, including hair loss, weight gain, lethargy and a big tax to his liver, to name just a few. Still, after what we experienced yesterday, we’ll take these unkind side effects, in order to go back to the strong reassurance that these medicines have the ability to keep these scary and dangerous seizures at bay. (Before trying to wean from his medication, my son was seizure free for about four years.)

Seizures are terrifying to witness, so from a selfish point of view, I am grateful that I did not have to witness yesterday’s seizure. The head of the local YMCA called us and told us that the paramedics had taken my son via ambulance to our local hospital. We have been through this drill before. We knew what to expect. The miserable new wrinkle is that we were stopped at the door to the lobby of the hospital, only to be told that we could not go inside to be with our son, due to COVID concerns. That little wrinkle almost put me over the top.

We all have our burdens to bear. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Uncertain has always been my least favorite state of being, so during this period of trying to wean my son from the meds, we all have had a heightened sense of insecurity. Thankfully, we can go back to the security that his medicine has afforded us for the last four years. We can close the “what if” chapter, for now. We can focus on the “what is” chapter, and look for the healthiest ways to heal ourselves and each other.

Yesterday’s outcome could have been so much worse. I am very aware of that fact and I am very grateful. Most epileptics recover from their seizures just fine – the bigger concern is what they are doing when a seizure happens. Drownings, falling from high places, car accidents are really the biggest concern for most people with epilepsy. Thankfully, my son was in a safe place, surrounded by people who knew about his condition and care about him deeply.

I’ve always been very open on this blog. I’ve opened my fragile heart to you today. Please handle it carefully. Please take today to be very kind to anyone you meet. We really don’t know what trials other people are going through. We humans tend to be really good at “faking it.” And with everything going on in the world today, there is a whole lot more of us out there “faking it” than ever before. Be mindful of this fact, and please be kind. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others. We all have the power to be kind, and that power is more uplifting, and more reassuring and more inspirational, than almost any other power in the world because kindness is rooted in Love.

Me and Dog Named Rex

Lately, all of the protests, the political divides, and the attention to injustices and systemic racism, has made me more self aware. I’ve been trying to look at everyone who I meet and I see and I know, under the lens of what our similarities are, instead of our glaring differences. Recently, I had an “aha” moment, awakening me to the fact that I may not be as open minded as I like to portray myself to be.

I share practically the exact same sense of humor with two people in the world. The first person is my sister, and the second “person” is a furry named Rex Masters. Several months ago, someone “normal” who I follow on Twitter would retweet hilarious memes from a Twitter thread by someone who goes by the name of Rex Masters. Rex’s Twitter profile picture is a dog, or more so, a person in a fancy, colorful, furry dog suit, much like a college mascot. I started following Rex on Twitter, and it never fails, every single day, he gives me something to laugh about, usually something worth a hearty, laugh-out-loud guffaw. Now to be clear, at the time that I started following Rex, I was very, very naive. I didn’t know about “the furry subculture.” For those of you who are as “innocent” as I am, this is what Wikipedia says about the “furry fandom”:

“The furry fandom is a subculture interested in anthropomorphic animal characters with human personalities and characteristics. Examples of anthropomorphic attributes include exhibiting human intelligence and facial expressions, speaking, walking on two legs, and wearing clothes.” Wikipedia

Now, for the longest time, I didn’t realize that Rex was part of the “the furry fandom”. I honestly didn’t know that the furry fandom existed. I just figured that Rex had the dog picture on his Twitter as a way to keep his privacy and to be cute and funny. I figured that he liked dogs as much as I do. I didn’t realize that Rex was a hard-core fur-suit wearing member of the furry fandom, until I started noticing Rex’s posts about where to buy fur suit items and other posts expressing disappointment about furry conventions being cancelled due to COVID. So, I did some more research, to try to understand what the furry subculture is all about. It turns out, that a big part of being a furry, is having an alter-ego and often acting out that alter-ego, in a fur suit.

I pride myself in being a “live and let live” kind of a person. Or, at least I try to be. My thought is, whatever your hobby or interest is, as long as it doesn’t hurt you or anybody else and as long as all of the activities concerning the hobby, are among consenting adults, that is your business. Variety is the spice of life. I can’t pretend that I fully understand the appeal of being an adult and wearing a fur suit around for the “fun” of it, but of course, I am a menopausal middle-aged woman who is hot and sweaty, almost all of the time. Right now, in the midst of menopause and summer in Florida, even the act of wearing clothes, is starting to lose its appeal for me. Perhaps I should look into nudist colonies?!

Nonetheless, when I figured out that I was following a “furry” on Twitter, I got a little nervous. I wondered if I should “unfollow” him. What would people think?? What would this make people think about me, a middle-aged woman with a mommy blog, following a furry on Twitter??? Would people think that I was a furry?? Would people think that I was a kinky furry???

Now, I’ve always hated the question, “What would people think?” That particular question always brings out the righteously angry rebel in me. I usually bark out, “I don’t give a sh*t what people think,” any time that I hear that question being asked out loud. Still, I wish that was entirely true for me. While I may not be as image conscious, or embarrass as easily as some people, I still have my own large load of insecurities that I am weeding through. I care about what people think, more than I care to admit that fact, to myself or to anybody else.

I decided to keep following Rex Masters on Twitter, but I found myself refusing to ever retweet any of his tweets. Instead, I would take a picture of my computer screen with Rex’s memes and send them to my family and friends, almost daily. I would take a picture of just the memes – never, ever, ever including the source.

Recently, my eldest son, called me and asked me, “Mom, where do you get these memes?? They’re hilarious.” Now, I don’t make it a regular practice to lie to my children. So with a big sigh, I confessed that Rex Masters, the furry – a card carrying enthusiastic member of the furry fandom, was my source of my funniest shared memes. My son laughed out loud. I started giggling, too, mostly out of embarrassment and a little bit of shame. Why did I find the need to hide the fact that a person who wears a fur suit around as a hobby, makes me laugh almost every single day? I was more focused on outside appearances, than the very real connection and joy, I get from having a very similar sense of humor, to a man in a fur suit who calls himself Rex Masters. His memes have added a great deal of laughter and joy to my life, at a time in the world, that laughter is direly needed.

Rex Masters typically posts funny, silly, irreverent memes, but he shared this meme about thirteen hours ago:

Image

Me, and a guy in a dog suit, think alike, in a lot of ways and that is what I need to keep my focus on. Good boy, Rex! You are a good, good dog. You deserve a treat, my friend!

Your Person

“You are the most perfect you, there is” – Meraki (Etsy)

Think of the most wonderful person in the world, to you (or your pet or your family group or your friend group, or your God, just think of the most meaningful relationship(s) of love to you, that you have in your life). Think about how much you love that person, you admire that person, you care for that person, you treasure that person, you feel gratitude for that person, you feel beyond lucky beyond belief, to have that person in your life. Feel all of those wonderful feelings that just the thought of that person brings into your heart. Feel how much you light up around that person. Feel how secure and comforted you feel around that person. Think about all of the kind things that you do for that person to take care of that person and show them how much you love them. Think of all of the lovely things you have said to that person, all of the lovely things that you have done for that person, how much you consider the thoughts and actions and feelings of that person. Think of all of the kind things that you say to that person, to uplift them and to cheer them up when they are down. Think about all of the wonderful things and experiences and happiness that you want for that person. Think about how much time and energy and thought, you put into that person. Your person(s). Your familia. Your heart.

Now, just for today, try letting “your person”, be you. Today, “your person” is yourself. Treat yourself to all of the love and admiration and care and adoration and gratitude and pride and comfort, that you typically feel and give to “your person.” Realize, the true and amazing fact, that all of the love and admiration and care and adoration and gratitude and pride and comfort that you give to others, doesn’t go away when you give the same to yourself. No, in fact, all of this wonderfulness, will be amplified because you won’t be needy or full of expectations or full of resentments towards others in your life. You will be satiated with the love which you are craving, the love which you are often trying to get outside of yourself. If today, you allow yourself to be “your person”, you will find that you are so full of love and peace, that these feelings can’t help but to over-spill on to everyone you meet.

Just for today, just for experiment’s sake, allow yourself to be “your person.” When you catch yourself being mean or neglectful or judg-y or demanding or demeaning to yourself, apologize immediately – just as you would do for your “your person” when you have hurt them. Then do something nice for yourself, for reparations – just as you would do for “your person.” Compliment yourself. Thank yourself. When you make a choice or decision today, ask yourself if this choice is one that you would make for “your person,” with their best interests at heart. When you feel yourself in need of advice, ask yourself what advice you would give to “your person” in this situation? When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, just as you would do for “your person”. Don’t admonish yourself, endlessly. Help yourself to do better, as you would do for “your person” . When you feel yourself feeling scared or down or lonely or sad or angry, cheer yourself up, like you would do for “your person.” Empathize with yourself. Don’t dismiss your feelings. Be kind to yourself just like you are kind to “your person.” Let yourself feel and visualize holding yourself, just as you would do for “your person.” Protect yourself, like you would protect “your person”, from cruel people and negative places and experiences.

Today, be real with yourself. Be authentic. Be as you are. You know that you love “your person” authentically, “flaws” and all, because the totality of “your person” and the intimate knowledge of that totality, is what makes you so close to “your person.” You know and accept “your person” like no one else does. Today, be that “knower” of yourself, and accept yourself completely and totally. Give yourself this great gift. If “your person”, asked you for this genuine love and acceptance, you would say, “Honey, you had me at hello. The gift is already yours.” Give yourself the pure and freely given gift of total love and acceptance that you give to “your person”, just for today.

Try this experiment, just for today. What have you got to lose? Today “your person” is you. I think that maybe if all of us did this experiment a little bit more and a little bit more, we’d be surprised about how much better our lives would get, individually, and collectively. Love is infinite. Love has infinite supply. Love is. Why would we deny something for ourselves, that by its very definition is infinite? We have put up the barriers, we have closed the doors, and we have created the false conditions. Love hasn’t done any of that. Love just waits patiently, surrounding us, waiting for us to wake up from the illusion that we don’t deserve, what we already have.

Love “your person” today, with all of your heart. Love “your person” today with everything you have. Today, your person is you and you deserve real Love.

Hand Held

https://twitter.com/natureslover_s/status/1272275368414793729?s=20

I love this video. It must have been taken during Australia’s wild fires a few months ago. There is so much comfort in having your hand held. Someone holding your hand is a total energy transfer of love, and strength and stability and comfort. A couple of years ago, I was on a trip with my best friends from college and I ended up with a corneal abrasion on my eye. I was so scared and I was in a lot of pain. One of my dear friends just quietly sat with me, in the car, on the way to the doctor and held my hand. I vaguely remember how scary and painful the eye injury was, but I VIVIDLY remember how comforting it was for my friend, to just confidently, hold my hand. That part, I will never forget.

A while back, I was about to do a reading at my grandmother’s funeral. I was sad, nervous, emotional and anxious. My sister grabbed my hand and held it and squeezed it before I headed up to the pulpit. I’ll never forget that caring moment and how much it conveyed it to me, in just a couple of seconds of human touch. Who knew that there was so much electricity and power and knowledge and wisdom, swirling in our hands?

I suppose healers and massage therapists and wood workers and sculptors understand better than most of us, how to convey the love in our hearts, out into the world, through the use of our hands. These wise people understand that our love doesn’t want to be trapped inside of us all day. Our love gets restless, and it wants to be set free, in order to grow and to expand. What is a more beautiful, tactile way to set free love, than through the tenderness and warmth of holding hands? Is there a more perfect universal communication of our unity and our energetic connection than holding hands?

If there were ever a time that the world needed to be holding hands, it is now. Threaded hands signify our connection, our compassion, and they remind of us of how much power and energy each of us has coursing through our veins. Holding hands transforms that power into love and strength and allows Love to pass, without disruption, through all living things. If we can feel all of that power and vigor, just in our own two hands, imagine that power amplified by millions and millions of hands being held together at one time. That power would be incredible. It would be overwhelmingly amazing.

If ever there was a time in the world, that needed more hand-holding, that time would be now. If you are living with people who you love, take some time to hold their hands today. Think back fondly to your own memories of when the human touch, meant the world to you and let the warmth of that memory melt into your heart. If you are by yourself today, put your hands together in prayer position. Did you ever stop to ponder as to why we put our hands together to pray? Think about it, as you hold your hands together, firmly in front of your heart. Sometimes the vital power of this energy we feel in our hands, is so great that we feel a great deal of heat, or a jolt of electricity, that is almost overwhelming. We hold so much power in our hands. Let’s use that power to hold and to connect and to uplift and to feel. Let’s not turn that power into fists of hate and hurt and violence. Let’s use our hands for what they were really made for, and what nature intended them to do. Hands were made for love, and for connection, and for creation. Even a little koala fellow innately understands this truth about holding hands. Simple nature is so very, very wise.

Soul Sunday

Good morning, friends. It’s a lovely sunny Sunday morning here which is so refreshing because we have had quite a bit of rain here lately. It makes me feel peaceful and hopeful. New readers, Sundays are devoted to poetry here at Adulting – Second Half. On Sundays, I either share a poem I have written or I share a poem written by someone else. Please share your poetry with me and other readers, in the Comments section. Today’s poem is from a book of poetry by Kevin Anderson. I love his poetry because it follows the same format of adding to and thus, cleverly changing an original thought or idea, to something more profound. This poem is from the book Now is Where God Lives.

Don’t talk about great souls.

Don’t talk about great souls – become one!

Don’t talk about great souls.

Become one

with all.

Don’t talk about great souls.

Become one

with all

great souls who have embodied the Great Soul.

Never

I’m a deep person. I enjoy meaningful, interesting conversations. A lot of the time, small talk annoys me and bores me. I usually get off on intensity. But honestly, lately everything just feels way too intense. Lately, all the irons in the fire feel way too hot and I can’t find tough enough gloves to avoid the heat. I’m a little raw these days. I found this poem this morning, which was cut out and pasted in one of my journals. I’m sorry, I don’t know who to attribute it to, but I found it to be very helpful and I hope that you enjoy it, too.

Never

Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. – Proverb

Never look for something you do not need to do

Never put your trust in one on whom you can’t rely

Never try to be someone which, for you, would be a lie

Never try to control something that cannot be controlled

Never worry about aging, or the process of becoming old

Never try to run the lives of children you hold dear

Never try to live a life completely based on fear

Never try to make okay that which simply is not

Never try to cover up something you have just forgot

Never act if you are doing this life yourself

Remember you have to participate and there’s really lots of help

Never forget to remember that you can have some fun.

You don’t have to make trouble to do it, only let it come.

Feel Good Friday

Sending Lots of Love on this Beautiful Friday – Commentwarehouse ...

My grandfather loved to garden and he had a gorgeous bleeding heart plant that I can still picture to this day. Isn’t it wonderful when certain things in nature remind you of people and places and things that you have loved along the way? New readers, Fridays are devoted to the “outside pleasures” in life. Welcome to Favorite Things Friday!!! On Fridays, I typically list three favorite anythings that have added joy to my life and I strongly encourage you to add your favorites to the Comments section. You can never have too many favorites. Please see previous Friday posts for more and more favorites. Here are today’s favorites of mine:

https://www.cnn.com/2020/06/11/health/orlando-hospital-coronavirus-patient-housekeeper-wellness/index.html

The link above takes you to a feel-good story in the news. (Those are hard to find these days, aren’t they?) The news story talks about how a cleaning person at the hospital helped save a COVID patient’s life, by talking to him daily and by giving him hope and inspiration by talking to him about their families and about their shared faith in God. This man was so ill that a priest had even delivered his last rites. Miracles are all around us, and this story is a good reminder of that fact and also about the power and beauty of human connection.

Trip Splitter App – My friend just mentioned this awesome app yesterday. This is an app that makes it simple and organized, for people to enter their individual expenses, when on a group vacation. It then makes it easy to divvy up “who owes who what”, at the end. (Does this wording remind you of anything? Who’s on first? That’s what I said. Who? Who.) I love simple and useful apps that make life just a little bit easier. This app sounds worth its memory space on your phone, for sure.

Finally, my favorite word for the day is a Korean word. The word is “son-mat” and it “describes the specific, irreplaceable flavor of someone else’s cooking.” (NY Times) My husband’s colleague, who lives in New York, only recently got his first take-out pizza since before the coronavirus crisis began. He told my husband that the pizza was the best pizza that he had ever tasted. Ever. “Son-mat” is a word that should exist in every language, in my opinion. There is something very special about something cooked by someone else. We all bring our own uniqueness and love, to even foods as simple as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Happy Friday Quote Pictures, Photos, and Images for Facebook ...

Trust That

“Once an old woman at my church said the secret is that God loves us *exactly* the way we are *and* that he loves us too much to let us stay like this, and I’m just trying to trust that.” – Anne Lamott

Growing pains hurt. We are collectively going through a lot of growing pains these days. I remember clearly, one summer when I was a young teenager going through a lot of physical growing pains. I must have been having a major growth spurt. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to a total throbbing ache in my legs, night after night. The pain was so persistent and nagging, I thought that it would never go away. But of course, the pain did go away, once my growth spurt was over. The pain was intense enough that I remember having it, but it got resolved, naturally, once my body had grown into its adult proportions.

That’s how growing pains work. They are painful enough to remember, but not painful enough to do any real major harm. In fact, that ache is just a reminder that a real and major metamorphosis is happening. We will never forget the collective pain and angst that 2020 has brought to the world, but we will come out of the other side of it all, stronger and wiser and better than before. The important thing is to remember that God/Universe loved and supported us before 2020, God/Universe loves and supports us through 2020 and God/Universe will love us when we reach the other side of all of this tumult. The important thing to remember is that no matter how intense the pain is, it is temporary, and in the meantime, we are always being held in the hands of a Great Love. Always.

Lucky Spot

“Privilege is being born on third base. Ignorant privilege is thinking you are there because you hit a triple. Malicious privilege is complaining that those staring outside the ballpark aren’t waiting patiently enough.” – Glennon Doyle

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Reading is one of my most favorite activities in the world and one of the silver linings to this whole social distancing thing, is that it gives me an excuse to do a lot more reading. I honestly consider reading to be an enormous part of writing. You get a level of intimacy with writers that you wouldn’t get with the average Joe who you meet on the street. Writers and other artists give you deep intimacy, outside of your own intimate circles. Creatives share their fragile, bared souls with strangers.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a particularly political person. I really want this blog to mostly be a sharing of what it is like for me to be in this “cocoon” stage of life, in between Act I and Act II of my adulthood. Hopefully, by writing this blog, I selfishly bring some outpouring and validation for myself, which also hopefully, resonates with others. Still, there were a couple of interesting Comments yesterday about the George Floyd death and the implications that it has had on all of us in society, that makes me feel the need to touch on this subject a little bit more. I can’t ignore what is going on in our world, no matter how many times I quickly flip past the news, to numb out, on a silly “reality” show. The blog’s starting quote is from Glennon Doyle’s new book UNTAMED. (excellent read, by the way, and I must give a shout out to James Madison University in Virginia. Glennon and I share the same alma mater!!!)

I am white. I was raised in an upper middle class neighborhood in Pittsburgh, PA. My public high school had graduating class sizes of over 600 kids. In my graduating class, three of my fellow students were black. Interestingly, our principal was a black man. At James Madison University, I belonged to a large, popular sorority. One of my sorority sisters was black, in all of the four years that I belonged to my sorority. My husband and I have raised our four children in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Florida. We have always chosen suburban neighborhoods to live in, that had excellent public schools, frankly, because we didn’t want to pay for private school for four children. My kids’ experience with minorities in any of these schools, has been limited. This was not by design. This is not a fact which I am proud of. In fact, I often thought that my children’s limited contact with people different than us, was a major disservice to my children. Their schooling experience has been limited to white, suburban America. That is not representative of the real world. And yet, my kids will most likely be living and working and raising their own families with people who have come from all over the world, from every kind of experience which one can imagine. But if you haven’t been exposed to much different than yourself in your life, how well can you really empathize with other people’s viewpoints? How do you really know where other people are coming from, when your experiences have been very limited to “people just like you”?

What I am learning about myself, through this pain that our country is experiencing, is that I shouldn’t be so defensive about the label “racist.” I don’t hate anybody because of their background or the color of their skin. I know from every inch of my heart, how wrong that is, but it is also wrong to pretend that I understand other people’s feelings and experiences. It is wrong to assume that everyone comes from the same worldview I have, largely because my worldview has been created from my own limited experiences. Everyone has different experiences in life, and a lot of these experiences come from factors that are uncontrollable. None of us got to choose the color of our skin, our parents and siblings, the country we were born in, the financial status of our family of origin, the religion we were raised in (or not), our height, our genes etc. etc. Nobody gets to pick these things. Yet all of these factors have a whole to do with who we end up being as individuals. All of these factors have a whole lot to do with our perspectives of the world. All of these factors influence our views, our ideas, our morality, our emotions, and the stories we tell ourselves about our own lives and other people.

Now to be clear, it is not healthy to live a resigned life, feeling victim of all of the factors that you could not control. Each of us has an ability to better our own personal experiences with factors that we can control. We can control our own efforts, our own attitudes, our own perspectives, our own choices and our own actions. And that is what each of us must keep a focus on, the factors that we, individually, can control, with the idea that what we say and what we do and what we think, not only has a major impact on our own lives, but also on the lives of others. No matter what our race is, we must all own the power of what we can control, the personal viewpoints and choices which are helping to influence the overall creation of our own lives, our families’ lives, and the experiences of our communities, our countries and our world.

For me, I think that the labels that get thrown around a lot, like “racist”, “racism”, “privilege”, are such loaded, hateful words that it puts me in a defensive mode. And when I’m feeling defensive, I’m not open. My ears are shut down to other viewpoints because I’m feeling shame that feels unfair and unjustified. I have a good heart. I know that and I know that most people in the world have good hearts, too. I have decided to use this horribly sad time in our history to stay open and to try to learn. I am trying to move past the labels to a deeper understanding. Defensiveness keeps me closed and limited. Understanding and connection comes from an open heart. I hope that soon after the raging anger and hurt, which we all have been experiencing, dissipates, all of us can come together with open hearts and elevate our united experience together, so that all our descendants don’t have to deal with the rehashing of these same problems over and over, again. These societal problems can be solved. We have that power. And if we truly open our hearts to new ideas, and perspectives, and a unified vision of a more peaceful, beautiful world for all of us, we will be shown the path to make it so.

Hard to Hate

“No matter who the threat is, no matter what the threat is, you look them in the eye so that they know you’re human.” (a Black Lives Matter demonstrator in Whitefish, Montana, who stood up to an angry man who was inches away from her face, talking about the advice her late father had given to her)

“There is no law that we can pass that will change an individual’s heart. We must create spaces for open communication between law enforcement officials and the communities they serve. These serious conversations will lead us to better outcomes. It’s hard to hate up close!” – Senator Tim Scott, South Carolina

dont be racist pin, anti-racism pin, anti-racist button, black lives matter pin, BLM pin, feminist pin, protest pin, gifts for feminists

In a tensely angry moment, I purchased the above pin. The purchase came after a day of running errands with my daughter, last week. As we all know, last week was very tumultuous and emotionally charged. My purchase came from a moment of helplessness at my very core, where I wanted to hug every person of color whom I came in contact with, in order to show that I truly care about George Floyd’s needless death. I wanted to show that in my deepest humanity, I felt sick and sad and scared and yet even hopeful about the whole situation, but in reality, I also felt entirely uncomfortable, too. I didn’t know what to say to anybody, and I felt very ill at ease and anxious to get home. I remained silent and awkward in every store, although I did try to convey my heart, through my eyes, the only part of my face that was showing, above my mask. In the car, my daughter mentioned that she had felt the same level of agitation and helplessness that I had felt. We both noticed the races of the other people who we had come in contact with, more than we ever had before. It was a strange awakening. So, in my anger and in my sadness, and in a mix of shame and righteousness, I purchased the above pin.

I proudly showed my new piece of attire to my sons. They winced. “Wow” and “Okay” is all that they said. I was surprised by their reaction. In my emotional moment, I honestly thought that I would probably get some “cool mom points” for my purchase. I imagined that by me wearing that pin – me, a middle-aged, well-heeled white woman, with nice clothes, a designer handbag and coming out of a snazzy car, would be making a statement, everywhere I went, without having to say one word.

But then I calmed down. That choice didn’t seem particularly brave. It seemed sort of defensive and it lacked self reflection. It pushed the problems of society away from me.

In my settled-down self awareness, I decided that no child, no matter what the color of their skin, needed to see me adorned with “the f-word”, no matter how many pretty flowers were surrounding it. Instead, I started researching racism on-line. I downloaded the book How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi. I am currently reading this book, slowly and carefully, watching for any signs of defensiveness I may have, that could cloud the open mind, which I have always prided myself for having. I am currently scouring my own beliefs, and the hidden, subconscious aspects of my own character that do not, in any way, reflect what I want for me, and for my family and friends, for my country and for humanity.

I don’t wear the pin that I purchased. Instead, the above pictured pin, has a rightful place on my cork board next to my desk, where I keep pictures of my family, our dogs, trips that we have been on, and other images that are inspirational to me. The pin still serves as an excellent reminder . . . . a lovely, forceful reminder to me.